


Let It Burn

by Samsam4short



Series: Eternal Flame [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Amnesia missed a spot, Character Death, F/M, Graphic Torture, Hurt/Comfort, I like to swear a lot, Main Character Death, Nightmares, Original Character(s), POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Porn With Plot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut, So much smut, Sorry Not Sorry, Spoilers - Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep, Spoilers - Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance, Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You Spoilers, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-07-23 08:37:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 51
Words: 282,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16155488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samsam4short/pseuds/Samsam4short
Summary: My story isn’t special. My story isn’t beautiful. My story isn’t even about me, it’s about him.It’s always been about him.I’m eighteen when darkness comes to claim my world. The past nine years have been silent, sweet, playful. Before then? That’s the problem. I don’t remember.Anything.[Completed]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyyy, can you tell I haven't published anything online in years?
> 
> Anywho. An old timer in the fanfiction game, but getting back into actually posting stuff instead of hoarding it on my computer and hissing whenever someone comes near it a la Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I have loved Kingdom Hearts since I was a wee little nugget and this story has been rewritten probably a thousand times in the past twelve years that I've been a fan, but now I've cooked up something that I love and wanna share it with the world. I'm not gonna play the 'if you don't like... don't read this' game. Kingdom Hearts is just something I've always loved, as is really well written OC fanfiction so if those are two things that make you happy as well, strap in. We're in for one hell of a journey  
> Standard disclaimers apply, also in regards to Rueki's weapon and her world. All of it is based on Rikku's style of fighting and the Al Bhed from Final Fantasy X. The Godhand is actually on of Rikku's weapons in FFX, a quick google search will give you a picture of what it looks like.  
> I don't know what else to put in the notes...so here's a story.

I.  
My story isn’t special. My story isn’t beautiful. My story isn’t even about me, it’s about him.  
It’s always been about him.  
I’m eighteen when darkness comes to claim my world. The past nine years have been silent, sweet, playful. Before then? That’s the problem. I don’t remember.  
Anything.  
When I was nine, Del and Amaya woke me up from inside of a cleaning shed. My head was resting against a dirty mop, my feet propped up against a wall. Del insisted I was an alien. Amaya took my hand and led me into the orphanage they lived at, begging the owners to let me stay. I don’t know if they wanted to or were obligated to. I was in too much of a fog to remember, but that’s how it happened and that’s all I remember. Before then isn’t even a blur. It’s completely gone, almost as though the memories weren’t even there in the first place. What do I care though? My teens were good. My friends were kind. I was happy.  
And stupid.  
For as long as I can remember, Transmute City has been a cold, bleak, dreary mess of fog and cement buildings. The stars are blinking out but before then, it used to look pretty at night, the light of the midnight sky twinkling against the pavement. Now it just looks miserable. Maybe I’ve just become a cynic in my old age. Scratch that, I definitely have.  
Amaya has her pretty, black hair clipped up behind her ears. The explosion burned most of it off, but even with the angry scars along her pale face, and the entire left side of her body and her missing left hand, she is still beautiful. Funny, I don’t think I know anyone who looks this beautiful, mutilated, disfigured and with ear length, choppy hair. Her big green eyes flick up to me.  
“Ready to close up for the night, Rueki?” She asks, zipping her jacket up, bracing herself for the night air. Not that the daytime air in Transmute City is pleasant. I skim my fingers over the computer at the cash register and heave a sigh.  
“Yeah, let’s do it. We haven’t had any customers in hours, I doubt we’ll get any now.” I shrug, bumping the register drawer shut with my hip. And while it’s true that we haven’t had customers in hours, normally that wouldn’t bug me. I like what I do. In theory, I know how to repair a Gummi Ship like a champ. In practice, it’s a whole different thing, but that’s Amaya’s area of expertise. She knows exactly what to do to restore any ship to full power, but she hates test flying them herself. So that’s what I do. Honestly, if we stayed open through the night, just so that I could take someone else’s ship for a spin, it wouldn’t be the first time.  
But it would be the first time we were out this late since the explosion. I don’t like the idea of Amaya being out this late, even with me at her side to protect her. Not while she’s still got her arm and leg wrapped in bandages.   
Plus Del will start to worry and the last thing I want to do after working late is placate my easily excited boyfriend. It doesn’t take much to work Del into a state of being completely intolerable.   
I yank on a pair of black leather gloves that I have stored under the counter, along with my bag and an oversized claw of a weapon—the Godhand. I have to set it on the counter to slide it up my arm and strap myself into it. It buckles above my elbow and at my wrist. I wish I had something a bit more lightweight. I wish I had something that didn’t nearly knock my 5 foot frame over if I fell slightly off balance. I wish I didn’t need to wear this thing everywhere just to keep my friend safe.   
The gloves have holes in the fingertips. They’re old, I’m surprised they still fit my hands. I wiggle a finger out of one of the holes as the bell to the shop door dings loudly. Amaya and I both look up at a boy with big blue eyes and spikey brown hair. He’s mildly adorable and looks distraught, but I don’t have the temperament to entertain a child right now and Amaya could hardly defend both him and herself if they got caught up by a hoard of Heartless.  
“We’re closed.” I say flatly.  
“Please, it’s an emergency.” He sounds whinier than I expected. He can’t be more than fifteen, everything is an emergency at that age. More to the point, someone his age shouldn’t be out now. It’s way after the town’s curfew. What are his parents thinking?  
“Everything’s an emergency. We’ll reopen tomorrow at 9.” I insist.  
“But we don’t have time for that!” He insists.  
“Do you not listen to the law at all? Kids under the age of eighteen are not to be out after 10 without a parent or guardian. Now go home.” I stomp out from behind the counter, hoping that the Godhand makes me look intimidating at the very least, but to my surprise, the boy doesn’t even flinch. He simply sizes me up and looks to Amaya, whose emerald eyes are narrowed into slits at me. She pouts before traipsing over to the boy, setting her good hand on his shoulder  
“I’m sorry about my partner. Of course we’re here to help! What seems to be the problem?” Bitch. She knows that I won’t tell her no. And she’d starve herself if it meant feeding a stranger, she’s such a sap.  
“Maya…” I mutter. “It’s late. The Heartless are out.”   
She chooses to ignore me.  
“Our Ship. When we were landing, something in town went off, it damaged the wing. We just need someone to repair our ship so we can leave.” The boy tells her and to his credit, he doesn’t stare long. He looks over her scars as quickly as his eyes will move, and then looks at me.  
“Oh a wing? That’s no good. What model is your ship?” She asks, taking her hand off his shoulder to go to where our catalogue sits, directly next to me on the counter.  
“Ummm…” The boy mutters, looking to Amaya who is thumbing through the catalogue, then me, then down at his feet. “I’m not sure, my friends might know.” I don’t even try to hide the fact that I’m rolling my eyes at him. With the Godhand strapped to my arm, I clunk past him, to the door which I throw open and pop my head out. To my surprise, a dog and duck in intricate clothing stand outside. Unsurprisingly, there is a smoking Gummi Ship crashed against the pavement.  
“This your friend in here?” I call out to them.  
“Yup! That’s Sora!” The dog hyuck’s out.  
“Well come in here and collect him, he’s harassing my friend.” I tell them.  
“Better you than us.” The duck says back. Snarky bastard.  
“Hey!” The kid, Sora, is behind me with his hand on my shoulder. “I just need some help. Please.” He whines.  
Suddenly, Amaya is right behind me too, and I hear her voice right at my ear.  
“It’s a Kingdom. That might be an issue. That’s an old model. A really old model, I don’t think we have any parts for it.” She mutters, though to herself or Sora or me, I am not sure.   
“We definitely don’t. We haven’t ever had anything in stock for it.” I say, not because I have the inventory memorized, but because I’m not stupid enough to believe we have something ordered for a rare, old ship.  
“Oh no, what are we going to do now?” The dog asks.  
“We have to get out of here to find the king!” The duck says.  
“And Riku. And Kairi.” Sora murmurs.  
“Sorry. Tough luck.” I tell him.  
“Rueki!” Amaya admonishes. “Have some sympathy.”   
“I’m not a miracle worker.” I insist. Finally, I step out of the door frame and Sora and Amaya follow me, Sora with his head down, Amaya with her arms crossed. “Look, Sora, right? I’m sorry. It really is garbage luck.”   
“It’s okay. We’ll figure something out.” He tells me, with an optimism that he is clearly trying very hard to keep up. It strikes me that I don’t recognize this boy at all. Or the dog, or the duck for that matter. But it’s not every day I find a teenage boy traveling with talking animals through this world. To be honest, until darkness fell, I was the only oddity in this world. Me, the alien from the cleaning closet. “We always do.”  
“You’re from another world.” I say, and of course, it’s the most obvious thing in the world, he wouldn’t be here, desperate to get out, if he wasn’t.  
“Yeah.” He nods. “Yeah, I’m Sora…but you already heard that. And this is Donald and Goofy.”  
“Sora’s the keyblade master.” Goofy says.  
“We’re trying to close the Keyholes of all the worlds.” Donald says.  
“Oh!” Amaya is locking the door behind me, but when I turn she is standing against the locked door, her eyes are wide with recognition. “So that way the Heartless can’t destroy the worlds!” Well I’m glad she knows what’s going on, because despite being the town oddity, I know nothing about any of the magical keyholes or darkness in worlds that she’s talking about. All I know is the Heartless infestation is a colossal pain and nothing we do seems to be stopping it.   
“Right!” Donald chimes in.  
“I didn’t think the legends of the Keyblade were real though! A hero fighting for light, fighting away the darkness, the only one who can close off all of the worlds.” Amaya gasps, which I guess is why I haven’t heard of it. If the legends were a little too farfetched for even Amaya to believe, no way she’d expect me to pay any mind to them. “I remember reading tales of the Keybearer when I was little, it always seemed like such a wonderful story. I’m so ashamed I didn’t believe it.” She’s looking down at her boots, her dark hair falling into her face.  
I don’t have time, however, to tell her just how okay it is to be a cynic. It’s almost as though the word ‘Keyblade’ tantalized the Heartless. The ever present fog in Transmute City goes black. The Heartless are coming in. I shove an arm in front of Amaya as Sora summons up a sword shaped like a key. Well I’ll be damned, a keyblade. Maybe when this is over I’ll read up on the Keyblade. Maybe.  
Probably not.  
“Get home. Now.” I order Amaya, who is nearly trembling with fear. My poor friend. But I’m not stupid enough to believe that now is the time to hug her woes away. There’s not a thing I can do but try to protect her. And this time, she doesn’t argue with me, she takes off sprinting in the opposite direction of the darkness.  
“We can handle this.” Sora tells me and I snort.  
“Magic sword or not, you’re like, what? Ten?”  
“Fourteen!” He whines. I grab a handful of items from my bag. A Silence Grenade, a Blessed Gem and a Shining Gem. This will mess them up.  
“Get back.” I warn him. “Cluster Bomb’s are nasty.” After all, laying these through the streets of Transmute City to protect the townsfolk was what caused the accident that hurt Amaya.  
Sora looks at me skeptically, but as the Heartless begin to materialize and a white light of synthetics begins to surround me, he listens and urges his friends back. The items begin to fuse between the claws of my Godhand and I can feel the heat and energy—my energy--radiate off of the bomb. But I’ve got it, I can contain it. I pinch my eyes shut, wishing I had some sturdier gloves as the items continue to bond to one another until the energy starts to rise and rise and then it’s ready. I wind my claw back and chuck the bomb at the Heartless, leaping back myself. Like a series of fireworks, the bomb explodes, violent and red. It’s nearly blinding and I can feel the flames, hot, hot, hot as the Heartless disintegrate and melt into the ground. By time the flames are gone, I can feel Sora’s eyes on me, and I know he’s not stupid. I can feel the questions radiating off of his blue gaze.  
“Yeah, that’s what got Amaya.” I tell him, yanking the goggles over my head. I’m not gonna lie to him, and I’m not gonna let him speculate for himself. “We set them all around town, to get triggered by the Heartless. And they work, Amaya just didn’t get away fast enough.” Sora gives me a sheepish smile and yet again, I get the feeling that he is trying very hard to keep that smile in tact.  
“I was just gonna ask how you did that thing with the fire.” He insists. I scoff out loud.  
“You don’t need to lie kid.” I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m Rueki by the way. Amaya was the one you just met. We’ve got another friend, Delfinius, but definitely don’t call him that. Just Del.”  
“Rueki, Amaya, Del. Alright.” He nods. And before I can stop myself, the words fly out of my mouth.  
“Since we couldn’t fix your ship, the least we can do is let you stay with us. At least until you can figure something out.” I shift my weight from one foot to the other, the weight of the Godhand yanking at my shoulder. I know that Amaya and Del would admonish me if I didn’t offer him a place to stay, and to be honest, I’m curious about this kid. At least maybe I can get some information out of him if he’s gonna be my houseguest.   
“Well Gawrsh, you’d really do that for us?” Goofy asks.  
“Yeah, what’s the catch?” Donald looks up at me skeptically and I snort.  
“Well, while the great and powerful Keyblade Master is in town, maybe he can do something about our Heartless population? That in your job description, kid?” I incline an eyebrow at Sora, who grins cheekily at me.  
“Sure thing, old lady.”  
Sometimes, I think I’m still too nice.  
\--  
Home is a shack. Like most of Transmute City, it is grey and run down looking, but Del always keeps a fire lit inside so at least it’s a nice little escape from the whipping wind. I’m mostly used to walking home in it, now, but Sora clearly isn’t. He’s shaking so hard he is nearly vibrating and he, Goofy and Donald nearly trip over one another on their way in through the door.   
“Are you the Keyblade Master?” I hear Del’s voice before I see him, and he barely even notices me step over the pile that our stray’s have formed on the creaky wooden floor. Of course, I should’ve known better than to think that he would be tolerable tonight. Instead, my boyfriend will spend the rest of the evening ogling this ‘new hero’ like he is a shiny new toy.   
“Thank goodness you’re alright.” Amaya thankfully notices me, and tiptoes in my direction, but throws her arms around me with a complete lack of grace. “I made all of you dinner.” She says.  
“And apparently told Del everything?” I raise an eyebrow at her then look to my boyfriend, who still hasn’t greeted me, but is instead, helping Sora to his feet, talking his ear off about how cool it is to meet him. “His hero worship is showing.” I pretend to gag and Amaya giggles.  
For his sometimes too much to handle personality, at least Del is cute. Sandy blond hair and green eyes, very boy next door. His eyes looked a lot prettier when they were staring at me with wonder though, and not Sora.   
“He wanted to know where you were. He was worried.” Amaya insists, and while I am sure that is true, I know that Del was just haranguing her in hopes of hearing a good story. Del shakes Sora’s hand, nodding his head animatedly.  
“Well, glad he’s not worrying anymore. What’s for dinner?” I sigh. Amaya frowns, knitting her brow together. She looks at Del and clears her throat. His eyes go wide and for a second, he looks away from Sora, to the two of us.  
“Rueki!” His voice sounds like a ray of sunshine, the first nice day of spring. My irritation is instantly forgotten when he strides over to me, takes my face in his hands and kisses me. “I’m glad you’re alright. Sora said you used a cluster bomb to get rid of the Heartless, that’s awesome, I wish I could’ve been there fighting with you two!” His hands slide down to my shoulders to give them a gentle squeeze. I roll my eyes a tiny bit, but smile, because I really don’t mind him talking a mile a minute when it’s about me. I can tell he couldn’t care less about the bombs I threw, though, now that this mysterious trio has arrived.  
Amaya scoops out bowls of chili for the group of us, and her and I eat at the counter while Del sits around the fire with the boys.  
“I was worried earlier, Rueki. I know you, I was worried you were going to do something dumb and try to sacrifice yourself for them.” Amaya says, spooning some beans out of the chili before plopping them right back into the bowl.  
“It didn’t come to that, it was just a few Heartles, Maya. Plus I’m not a complete masochist. The kid’s a stranger, I’m not dying for him. Now eat your food, you’re looking too skinny.” She isn’t. Amaya has always been built perfectly. Unlike it did with me, puberty actually blessed her with boobs. Lucky bitch. I got wide set hips and the chest of ten year old boy. And I don’t know why she’s so worried. Sometimes I think that Amaya only puts up with me because I’ve been her friend for so long. I wouldn’t die for her, I wouldn’t die for Del, and certainly not this stranger. My heart’s not that gold. Hers is. And though she is too polite to say it out loud, I’m sure it drives her nuts.  
“It’s getting worse though. Otherwise things wouldn’t be this way, I wouldn’t be this way. The bombs in the city will only help us for so long before there end up being more…like me.” Amaya says. I sigh, chewing on my lower lip.  
“I know. This kid, the Keyblade Master. What’s the deal there? I asked him to help with our Heartless problem and he said sure. You mentioned something to him about the Heartless traveling through darkness.” I remind her. She shrugs, limply, not the same Amaya she usually is, cute and lively. Though something tells me that is my fault. She’s not exactly great at expressing her genuine opinion. If she thinks I’m acting somber, she’ll do the same. Anything not to rock the boat.  
“They’re old stories I would read about in the library in the orphanage. Legends of warriors who fought on the side of Light and protected the worlds from Darkness. Even I didn’t think any of it was real. But if it is, if this boy is the Keyblade Master, maybe he can save our world.” She won’t meet my gaze, so I squeeze the stump where her hand used to be.  
“And if he can’t we’ll figure out a way, okay? We’re not living in fear forever. So, stop worrying, it won’t help us. We’ll do what we can for this world and then, once you’re feeling better, we’ll build a ship and fly away to somewhere safer. All three of us. But at the end of the day the only ones we can save are ourselves.” I promise. Her eyes flick up to mine and she flashes me a tiny half smile before she pulls herself away from me. She looks to Del, Sora, Donald and Goofy and gives them a thoughtful look for the longest moment.  
“I think I’m gonna turn in for the night. It’s been a little too eventful for me, I’m exhausted.” She says. “Besides, I’ve got a plan for Sora’s ship, it’s going to take most of the day tomorrow though. I want to save my energy.”  
“I feel you there.” I grab our bowls and pour the chili we didn’t eat back into the pot and set our bowls in the sink. “I’ll give him a grand tour tomorrow, see if we can find the source of our Heartless problem.” Amaya follows me over and turns on the water. I shake my head at her.  
“Don’t. He can do it.” I say, nodding toward Del in the living room. She doesn’t seem too keen on my attempt at revenge, but she smiles anyway.  
“If you say so.”  
\--  
I am woken up at what I would guess to be about three in the morning to Del, wrapping his arms around me in my bed.  
“Is your mattress broken?” I ask, sleepily, irritated because half awake, I don’t care how cute he is. I don’t want him disturbing my slumber with affection.   
“I told Donald and Goofy that they could sleep in my room, Sora is taking the couch.”  
“What a hero.” If I could roll my eyes and harder I would end up swallowing them.  
“He’s a nice kid, you and Amaya should fix his ship.” He says, running his hands down my sides.  
“You should let me get to sleep.” Because clearly he couldn’t stop chatting Sora up long enough to listen to why we can’t fix his ship.  
“All I’m saying is he wants to help us with the Heartless, this is the least we can do.” I feel his fingers slide into the waist band of my pajama pants.  
“I’m not awake enough to be having this conversation with you.”  
“If you guys can’t fix his ship, you could build him a new one.” His hips press against my ass, his cock hard and I jerk away, rolling onto my stomach.  
“Del, seriously, it’s not a time normal people are awake.” I swat him away.  
“C’mon Rueki, it’s been such an exciting night, I just have so much energy.” He insists, wrapping his arm around my waist. I roll my eyes and turn over onto my back. With the room being so dark, he doesn’t see me close my eyes as I let him pull my pants down and climb on top of me. It’s not bad. It’s not that I don’t find Del appealing. But the idea of sleep sounds so much nicer than letting him treat our intimacy like a momentary distraction from his adventure.  
He tells me all about his plans to show Sora around the city tomorrow as he fucks sloppily into me. I zone out, thinking about how I will be showing Sora around the city because Del will probably be too overzealous an excitable to properly show the Keyblade Master where the worst of the Heartless population is, effectively.  
“Rueki, were you listening to me?” He must’ve asked me a question. Damn, now he’s gonna know I was zoning out.  
“No, not really.” I don’t bother lying to him, if he wants to be with me, its not because I’m a bullshitter.  
“What’s wrong?” He asks me.  
“Nothing, I’m just tired.” Which isn’t a lie, but listening to how great Sora is, on repeat mode, isn’t exactly turning me on.   
“Okay, I’m almost done.” And he is, it takes just a few more seconds before he pulls out and finishes on a towel that he must’ve brought into bed. I throw my legs over the side of the bed and yank my pants up, coming to a standing position. “Where are you going?” He asks.  
“To the bathroom?” I raise an eyebrow, though I know in the darkness, he cannot see me.   
“Oh, okay.” I have to try not to roll my eyes at how completely unenthused I have been every time the boy has opened his mouth tonight, and there’s a selfish reason for it. For the past nine years I have been the topic he constantly brings up, I have been the hero he has worshipped. I have been the most exciting thing in his life and not living on that pedestal anymore has nudged me closer to the anticlimactic truth—Del is a child. And it kind of unnerves me how much of a deal breaker I know this is and yet how little I think it will hurt when I have to break things off.  
After using the bathroom, I pop my head out toward the kitchen. Unsurprisingly, Del did not do the dishes. My hand curls into a fist and I have to take a deep breath. He’s only annoying to me now that Sora is here. Once our world is free from Heartless and the Keyblade Master is gone, I will be the exciting thing again and he’ll be back to worshipping me on his hands and knees. I just have to get through this next day or two without throttling my boyfriend.  
Sora appears to be sleeping pretty soundly on the couch, and though I don’t want to wake him, my desire to avoid Del is a little stronger. I turn on the water in the kitchen sink, just a little so that the stream is soft and gentle. As the water heats, I put a lid on the pot that the chili was in and put that inside of the refrigerator, hoping that it isn’t bad after sitting out for a few hours. I don’t know, I’m not some domestic goddess, I don’t know how long anything can be left out for. But at least I can clean up a mess. It dawns on me, how incredibly codependent me, Amaya and Del are to one another and it makes me instantly uncomfortable. I resolve to try to be a lot less needy when it comes to them as I get to work on the dishes. Or at the very least, non-needy enough where I can figure out by myself if my food is still good.  
My goal of keeping my actions quiet works almost the entire time I’m cleaning. The kitchen is borderline spotless when I hear Sora mumbling to himself in the living room.  
“Mom must be wondering where I’m at. Dinner was almost ready when I ran back to the Island.” At first I think he’s talking in his sleep, and then I see him sit up and lean over the top of the couch, looking at me.  
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. The rule in this house is last person to go to bed does the dishes. I guess Del’s nose was just too far up your butt to remember.” I mutter, turning the water off. I quickly dry my hands off on a towel. “Do you want any water or something to eat or anything?” I ask.  
“Some more of that chili would be great.” He says and I smile a bit to myself. Of course, a teenage boy wakes up at the crack of dawn and instantly wants food. Sounds about right. I tuck into the fridge and spoon out a bit from the pot into a bowl and set it on the counter. I open up a drawer in the kitchen and pull out a few things. Bomb fragment, Mana Sphere. Perfect. I set them on the Transmutation Circle that we have drawn on the counter, then set the bowl down and give it a tap. It lights up for a very brief second, and after a series of five silent bursts of flame, the bowl is piping hot and the flame is but a memory. I put a spoon in the bowl and walk it to Sora.   
“Careful, it’s hot.” I warn him, but he’s looking at me like I have two heads. “Dude, you can summon a giant, magical key that’s supposed to help get rid of darkness or whatever. Don’t make that face at me.” He at least has the good sense to look away as he stirs his chili.  
“Yeah, but I didn’t ask to be the Keyblade Master. It just kind of happened.” He shrugs.   
“And I had to learn Alchemy before I could use it. I can’t mix something without the right supplies. You just happened to be lucky I had a bomb fragment still. A heat blaster works a lot faster and quieter than the microwave.” I tell him. He smiles softly then looks up at me.  
“Sorry your boyfriend didn’t spend any time with you. I kept telling him that you did all the fighting back by the shop, I didn’t even have to kill any Heartless, he should’ve been checking on you.” He looks so sweet and sincere that I can’t even make a snide comment at him. I mildly hate myself for being such a sucker for this kid.   
“No worries. Del’s always been like that. Apparently he and Amaya used to be inseparable until I just appeared in town one day. For the past seven years he’s been following me around like a lost puppy. She was his friend first, I can only imagine how cheated she feels.” I shrug. Maybe if Del wasn’t getting on my nerves as of late, I’d be more upset. Maybe, but probably not, it’s not like I’m great at actually expressing my feelings anyway.   
“Still, I’m sorry.” He takes a bite of chili and I have no idea how he is okay eating it at that temperature, but I’m not gonna try to parent him. “What do you mean you just appeared in town?” He asks.  
“Are we playing twenty questions now?” I smile, and he meets my expression with a smile of his own.  
“I just…we’ve made a lot of friends in every world we’ve been to. But I don’t know much about any of them. Not really.” He confesses and my stomach drops a little. I get that. I can’t count how many times I’ve been driven crazy by Del and Amaya barely grazing the surface of things. It’s almost as though, despite being my closest friends, they are both functioning on a completely different wavelength from me.   
“Okay.” I nod. “So twenty questions: what’s the deal with this whole Keyblade thing? Amaya doesn’t really have a ton of information for me and I know for a fact Del couldn’t sit still through story time, let alone ever read a book on his own.” Sora snickers a little and has to make a visible effort not to choke on the chili.  
“You know, I know about as much as you do.” He tells me. “My world got taken over by darkness. But before it did, the Keyblade appeared in my hand. I met Donald and Goofy in Traverse Town. The King of their world disappeared, and left them a note, telling them to find the key. Which I guess meant me. Anyhow, every world has a keyhole and once the Heartless invade a world, they try to find the keyhole, so they can get inside it and destroy a world’s heart. We’ve been going from world to world, sealing the Keyholes so that all of the worlds are safe.” He tells me. I scrunch my face up at him.  
“You’re like five years old and you’re doing all of this?”  
“I’m fourteen.” He whines and I smile at him. “Okay, I get a question. That Alchemy thing you do…what is it?” He asks, wide eyed as he spoons chili into his mouth.  
“Alchemy was a science for transforming matter. It’s part of a lot of different cultures, but the natives of Transmute City were mostly refugees and those from an ancient race called ‘Al-Bhed’. From what I know of their history a lot of them were technofiles and built a lot of crazy machinery, which is where that claw I had earlier, the Godhand, came from.” It’s super old, but I got it at a pawn shop for cheap, so I can’t complain. “But along the way, they also spent a lot of time mixing and creating different items, both of help and for destruction. Bombs and elemental weapons as well as potions and elixirs. It’s all just a lot of trial and error, but I’ve got a list of things I’ve created from successful mixes and a list of ones I should never try again.”   
“But how do you do it?” He asks.  
“I either have to combine the items inside of my Godhand or with a Transmutation circle. Which is how I heated your food. You just gotta have the right things on hand and you can make anything.” I say.  
“Is it hard though?” He’s shoveling food into his mouth faster, as though it’ll make me answer questions with some more urgency.  
“The first couple times. It uses up some of my energy to combine everything. That’s how you get a chemical reaction. But once you get the hang of it, you figure out how many transmutations you can handle at a time without hurting yourself.” I can remember the first time I tried transmuting a basic potion and how exhausted I was after. I think I napped for about five hours straight. “Okay, my turn. Where are you from?”  
“I was from The Destiny Islands.” He tells me.  
“So like tropical type climate?” I lift an eyebrow and he nods. “Damn, this town’s gonna kill you. I don’t think it’s ever gotten warm enough to walk around without a jacket.” I tell him. He groans and rolls his eyes.  
“Just the walk from here to your shop coulda killed me. My friends from home—Riku and Kairi—and I talked about seeing other worlds forever. I didn’t think I’d miss the Island so much.” He sighs.  
“I get it. Your world was destroyed. Doesn’t matter how much you wanna leave home, it’s different when you can’t go back.”  
“Is that what you meant when you said you appeared in this world? You were from a different one?” He asks, his eyes lighting up. He’s a cute kid, I’ll give him that.  
“I don’t know. Probably.” I confess. “I woke up here one day and all I could remember was that my name was Rueki and I was nine. I don’t have anything else.” I say, toying with a loose thread on my pajama pants.  
“Well, what do you think?’ He sets his bowl down on the ground in front of us.  
“I think I’m lucky to be alive and healthy. Waking up in strange places isn’t safe for anyone, let alone a kid.” I remind him.  
“C’mon Rueki, for real!” He insists.  
“I don’t know. I don’t like to speculate, I don’t like to be wrong. Amaya and Del both think I’m from a different world. I don’t have the telltale Al Bhed green eyes. But like I said, this world was only mostly populated by the Al Bhed. There were other refugees here too, it could just be a coincidence.” I say.  
“You have green eyes.” He reminds me and I smile a little.  
“They’re a little too blue of a green. Amaya’s eyes are the right shade of green.” I tell him  
“So… you don’t remember anything?” He asks.  
“Nothing at all.” I confirm. He makes a face at me like I just said the wrong thing, but a smile quickly covers up the distraught expression and he doesn’t leave me in the dark long.  
“My friend Kairi, it was the same thing with her, but she was younger. Her and I were both only five when Riku and I found her. I tried asking her about her home world tons of times, but she didn’t have any memories of it.” He touches his heart as he talks and my eyes widen. Oh, young love.   
“Have you found any trace of your friends?” I ask him and he frowns a little.  
“Riku. I found him in Traverse Town. We’re both looking for Kairi, but neither of us can find her.” He trails off and then says, brighter than before “I know we will though.” He says. I nod at him, tucking a knee to my chest.  
“I’m sure you will kid.” Though I don’t know if I believe that, but I’m sure Sora will try his damndest.   
“You know, I do want to help your world. If I can go for a look around town tomorrow, I can try to find the keyhole. It might help you…and your friends.” And when he talks, I know who he is talking about, specifically.  
“Thanks for not staring at Amaya, by the way. You know, I used to get annoyed when people would stare at her before. I’d think to myself ‘we all get it, she’s the most beautiful person anyone has ever seen, carry on’. I dunno, it was selfish of me, I guess. That’s why I liked Del so much, he was the only one who was more intrigued by me than Amaya.” I tuck a strand of sandy blonde hair behind my ear. “Now, when people stare at her, I’m annoyed for a whole different reason. She didn’t choose to be out late. I mean, she did, her me and Del were working late one night when Del and I first started dating, she told us we should go home and enjoy some time together. She’s never been anything but happy for us. But while we were at home, making eyes at each other, she was closing up shop. She got attacked, some bombs went off and instead of escaping from the Heartless and running home, she got caught up in the explosion. She got trapped underneath a swarm of Heartless.”  
“She’s lucky she’s alive.” Sora breathes and I nod.  
“Oh, I know, and she knows. Still, I’m annoyed at this world. At our sorry excuse of a security system. Bombs placed all over town, bombs that require darkness for activation. We’re lucky this hasn’t happened to more people.” I grumble, mouth twisting into a pout.  
“It’s not your fault though, you know. Leaving her at the shop. She told you to go home, you couldn’t predict anything like that would happen.” I don’t know if he’s trying to reassure me or if he’s trying to reassure himself of something, but I scoff.  
“I’m not dumb, of course it’s not my fault, I didn’t attack her. I don’t make a practice of blaming myself for things that are out of my control.” I tell him.  
“But I thought she was your friend and you wanted to protect her?” He asks.  
“I do, obviously. Anyone would, she’s quite nice, I’m not a monster. But I’m also not a self loathing crybaby. With age comes wisdom, kiddo.” I grin at him. “Besides, if you’re gonna preach to anyone about absolving oneself of blame, preach to Del. I swear, it’s once a week ‘we’ve gotta protect her Rueki, if we’d stayed late with her, she’d still be safe’. And I get it, it sucks, she’s gonna be marked forever, but that’s why I want to get out of here, go to a different world, a safer world.”  
“Are you ever gonna try to find your home world?” He asks me.  
“Yeah, one day. Del wants to the most. Not that I don’t, but it’s hard to miss a place when I don’t remember anything about it. But Del’s like you and your friends. He wants to see everything there is. That’s why he’s clinging to you like a lost pet. You’re the closest to a real adventure he’s ever come.” I snicker a little. Sora rubs he back of his head and looks apologetically at me. “He’s gonna try to show you around town tomorrow unless you can wake up early enough to come with me and Amaya to work.” I say. Sora’s eyes flash in mild horror.  
“Please wake me up before you leave.”  
I have to bite back a cackle.  
“Then you’d better get some rest, kid.”  
“You should too, old lady.” He says. I roll my eyes at him, but give his shoulder a light push as I get up off the couch.  
“Gnight, brat.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well look at you, you got through the first chapter without pressing the big ole 'x' in the upper right hand corner. Might as well keep going, yeah? Also, in regards to this chapter and the next. I wanted to get these three out in one go because well, they are what leads into the story. Just one or two wasn't gonna do it justice, or keep you, the reader, hooked. Most likely. Will I be posting three chapters every week? That's a negative. I'm a grown up with a grown up job and a spouse and in laws and family obligations, I wish I had as much time for writing as I did in high school-no sleep, no problem- but I just don't. That being said, this story will be getting weekly updates, so be on the look out for chapter four on Saturday!
> 
> Love ya'll

II.  
I dream that instead of a heart beating inside of my chest, there is a pulsating black hole.   
Monsters climb out of it and consume me, whole.  
I wake with a jolt on the floor of my room. A night spent with my back on the concrete floor isn’t appealing, but waking Del after he had sprawled out like a starfish across my mattress, upon my departure last night, was not happening. He is still snoring when I wake, a kink in my neck, my limbs tingling after I thrashed into the floor. I groan, pushing the tangled mess that remains of my long blonde hair out of my face. As per usual my bangs flop back down into one of my eyes, I’ve got a dreadful cowlick right in the center of my head, so when my options are bangs that hang in my eyes, or bangs that stand straight up, I can clearly choose the lesser of the two evils.   
The bathroom mirror is not my friend this morning. After I take a piping hot shower and run a brush through my hair, I put on mascara and lipstick –I had resolved a long time ago to stop attempting to conceal the mole just below the left corner of my mouth, the corner that my bangs don’t cover. Finally, I loop my hair into a pony tail and turn away from the barely human looking creature in the mirror. At least now it looks like I’ve put some effort into getting ready. I’m wearing a pair of white shorts, a black belt with a big side pouch for different mix ingredients and am zipping up a red and black hooded sweatshirt with the shoulders cut out when Amaya knocks on the bathroom door. I know it’s Amaya because she knocks so very delicately, even before she lost her hand, it was like she was trying so very hard not to wake anyone when she knocked, even in the middle of the day. Which is completely unnecessary, being that a thousand cluster bomb explosions couldn’t wake Del. I nudge the door open for her as she peeks her head in through the door.   
“I didn’t expect you to be awake so soon.” She whispers to me, looking at me with big, beautiful eyes.  
“Del decided to play hero and offered Donald and Goofy his bed, so he assumed I’d want him to share mine with me.” I tell her. “And by share, I mean he commandeered my bed as his own.”   
“You look nice today.” She tells me. I roll my eyes. I hate when she blows smoke up my ass.  
“I look human, thanks though.” I yank on a pair of tall socks to go under the knee high combat boots that I usually yank on before coming out of the bathroom. “You want me to make some breakfast?” I ask. Her eyes become the size of saucepans.  
“Oh no, I, Rueki, you’re a terrible cook!” She giggles, hiding her face in her good hand. “I’m so sorry, that was mean, you’re not terrible.” A totally unnecessary apology, I am a terrible cook, I just hoped that I was the only one that thought so. That way I can at least pretend that I’m an important part of this household.  
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll add that to the list of mean things you’ve said. I think this marks number four.” I wave my hand at her. “You ready for work? I told Sora he could hang around the shop, that way Del doesn’t spend the whole day batting his eyes at the poor kid.” I smile. She giggles again.  
“Well, honestly, I was hoping both you and Del would be up.” She says, suddenly sheepish. “Cuz if you want, you don’t need to work today. I’m gonna be repairing Sora’s ship all day, it’s going to be a pretty big project, it’s gonna take up my entire day. I was hoping one of you guys could just stay and assist me and the other could show Sora and his friends around town. I figured it might be best for you to go with Sora, cuz like you said, Del just gets too easily excitable, but if you really wanna come with me, you can of course.” She’s blushing from her hairline to her neck and I can tell she’s trying so hard not to be offensive. But Del does our inventory, he would be able to help Amaya find the parts she needs better than I would.   
“Oh man, thank goodness you don’t need my help.” I twirl a loose strand of hair around my finger, pretending to pick at some split ends. “Sora actually asked me last night to show him around town, something about looking for our World’s Keyhole? I’d hate to let him down.” I’m laying It on kind of thick, I mean even I don’t believe me, but Amaya does, that’s what matters. Her features visibly light up, she claps her hands together.   
“Really? I mean, of course if you want, when you’re done, you’re more than welcome to—” She starts but I shake my head.  
“Don’t strain yourself, ‘Maya.” I smile at her then turn to the couch, where Sora is, indeed snoring. “Kid!” I shout and Sora jolts up eyes wide, blinking comically. “Geddup, we’re taking a walk.” I tell him. He groans, rubbing his eyes and yawning. I nab my Godhand off the counter and strap my arm into it.  
“It’s too early.” He insists, and I am inclined to agree, but nonetheless, I nab an apple out of a bowl on the counter and throw it at him, and my aim is good. I hit him square in the head. “Ahhk!” He rubs his head, narrowing his eyes at me. I just shrug and grab an apple of my own out of the bowl, biting into it loudly before yanking my boots on.  
He follows me as I head out the door and we’re greeted to a particularly icy wind, which rips the door from my grasp and slams it behind us.  
“Good thing you came with me, if that didn’t wake Del up, I don’t know what will.” I shout to Sora over the sound of whipping wind. He narrows his eyes and cocks his head to the side.  
“What?” He shouts back. I shake my head and make a motion for him to follow me. We move as though we are walking through sand. It’s a particularly nasty day today and when a series of bombs goes off, and darkness starts to swirl in, I can’t even shout over the wind to warn Sora to prepare for battle.  
Heartless materialize, coming to life out of the blackness, talons sharp, movements slow and distorted. I’m thankful that I strapped into the Godhand before we left. Of course this couldn’t just be a leisurely stroll through town. Sora crouches into a battle stance, and out of thin air, the Keyblade materializes. A gold and silver sword, shaped true to it’s name, like a key.  
I load a frag grenade and antidote into the Godhand and channel my energy, shooting a ‘Blaster Mine’ and stunning the Heartless into sleeping. Sora charges and with the swing of his sword, knocks out a row of them. I whip around, smashing the rusted red metal of the Godhand into a cluster of three, and they disintegrate, leaving the world as quickly as they came. Sora looks to me, Keyblade still at the ready. And rightfully so.  
Another mass appears, these ones are the ‘solider’ breed, creaking, clattering metal. I shoot out another Blaster Mine, and we annihilate these ones the same way we did their predecessors, although it takes two attacks for me now to get rid of them, thanks to the energy drained from my mixes. I shake my arm out as another heard of Heartless materialize, these ones looking like giant black orbs from hell. One of them comes barreling at me before I even have time to make a mix and I smash the God hand into it, whirling around, pounding the metal into the creature. As I attempt to spin around, another barrels into my stomach, knocking me flat to the ground, an angle that lets me see Sora trying to fight off three at the same time. Damn, I can’t look weak compared to a flipping fourteen year old. I leap onto my feet, a little light headed and I remind myself to limit the mixes for the time being. The weight of the Godhand is almost overbearing, but with a swift kick to one of the orbs, I leap, backflipping over and on top of the first orb. I have to wrap my legs around it as it thrashes, but I beat into it with desperation, slamming the Godhand down with all of my might. The other orb, not very smart, comes barreling into the first one, probably in an attempt to knock me off, which nearly works. But I hang on with all four limbs as they pound into one another, until the one I am riding disintegrates. It takes one more well placed smashing of my Godhand to kill the other. Which leaves me just enough time to race to Sora and help him fight off the last orb. I quickly fish two potions out of the pouch on my belt and offer him one. We both drink greedily, waiting for the next throng to come. When several minutes pass and no more appear, I grab the sleeve of Sora’s shirt and make a gesture toward a large building. We sprint inside, ducking into the lobby, which appears to be the only thing unlocked. I’m almost certain this is an old shelter of some sorts, but in all the years I’ve lived here, it hasn’t been functional. Del and Amaya and I tried dozens of times to break open the doors when we were younger but they wouldn’t budge.   
“What’s the plan?” Sora asks, huffing and I sigh.   
“Go back home, sleep forever, never worry about the Heartless again?” I try. For a moment he seriously considers it.  
“My home’s still gone though.” He says.  
“Well damn.” I sigh. “I guess we look for the keyhole then? Is there any rhyme or reason as to where it is, in most worlds?”   
Sora rubs the back of his head.  
“Well, it’s usually hidden until I defeat some really crazy, big Heartless.” He confesses and I groan.  
“Sounds about right. How do we find, said scary Heartless?”   
“Um, well, we usually follow someone around their world, they tell us about a trouble maker who is using the Heartless to their advantage, and either we fight them or they lead us to the Heartless…”  
“So what I’m hearing is we currently have no solution. Cool.” I nod.  
“Well, where do the Heartless usually go in your World? Like is there one direction they all head in?” He asks.  
“Yes, the direction where people are. They come at us, they eat our hearts, then they peace the hell out.” I say, and I’m not sure if those are the correct logistics as to how Heartless operate, but it sounds right in my head, and Sora doesn’t correct me. He just nods.  
“Okay, what about parts of town that you don’t usually go to?” He’s surprisingly patient and calculating for a fourteen year old, and I give him credit. It can’t be easy to stay sane when for the sake of your own survival, your brain needs to try to figure out where monsters hide.   
I rake my brain as I slide down the wall, taking a seat on the ground. Sora follows suit. From my pocket, I procure a map, something I didn’t even realize I still had in there, still it has it’s uses when it comes to certain mixes. I lay it out, spreading it across the floor.  
“There’s gotta be some sort of sensical reasoning to this.” I insist, leaning to look at the map, stray pieces of my hair falling into my face.  
“Well you said that Amaya got attacked at the shop, right?” He asks me and I shake my head.  
“Just outside the shop, so roughly here.” I point to one location on the map. I think quickly and pull out a marker.  
“What else do you have in your pocket?” He jokes and I smile back.  
“It would be easier to give you a list of what I don’t have in here.” I mark a dot on the map. “There was another really nasty attack, the reason we have a curfew, a few weeks before Amaya got attacked. A little girl was out late, her heart got stolen just past the schoolhouse.” I mark another dot on the map, across town.   
“What else?” Sora ask and I really have to think, because there have been so many small attacks, so many travelers exaggerating stories of getting attacked for sympathy or in hopes of getting free repairs, so many reports from people we don’t even know, but a few more stand out.  
“A traveler from another world was staying at the Inn while we fixed his ship, he never came back.” I mark a dot on the Inn. “The Orphanage was the first big attack though, right before Del, Amaya and I moved out of there and on our own.” I mark another dot. “And then the parade through town on Founders Day. It runs through all of main street, but the attacks didn’t start until they got here.” I mark another dot and Sora scrunches his face, looking at the dots with a cocked head.  
“What order did they happen in?” He asks. I start drawing lines, and three strokes of the marker in, my stomach drops. The five points make a star with the abandoned shelter, the building we’re in now at the front and center.   
“Damn.” I whisper.  
“That’s here.” He says and I roll my eyes.  
“You’re very smart for a seven year old.” I tell him. He itches his nose with his middle finger and I burst out laughing. “Shit, who taught you that one, the Duck you hang out with?” I ask.  
“Actually, my friend Riku did.” He laughs. “That’s a pretty common move when we’re in class.”   
“Lemme guess, he’s older and cooler than you?” I ask. Sora pouts.  
“Maybe if you spent less time trying to be funny and more time trying to find Heartless—”  
“Maybe if you spent less time crashing your ship, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” I boop his nose and he rolls his eyes at me. For being such a doofus, this boy really does have a tude on him if you press the right buttons.   
“So what is this place?” He asks me.  
“I’m pretty sure it was a shelter at some point, for travelers from other worlds. A hostel of sorts, but it’s been shut down for as long as I can remember. We used to try to break in all the time as kids.” I confess and he smiles a bit self satisfied.  
“Betcha didn’t have the right key.” He taps his Keyblade against the ground.  
“Stop being a tool and just see if it’ll work.”   
Those could’ve been my last words, which actually wouldn’t be the worst way to die.  
Sora taps the key against the glass of the doors and they fly open, as though they had been waiting for years. We blink, exchanging surprised looks. I hesitate, but Sora takes a step through the doors, and that is when all hell breaks loose.   
Heartless pour out of the walls as though they are made from darkness itself.   
“Shit!” I hear Sora curse but don’t even get time to pick at him for his language.  
I hold back rummaging through my pocket as Sora dives in, slashing at the Heartless, despite the fact that they’re overwhelming the room. Black Magic Sphere…come on…I find a Master Sphere and slam them both into the Godhand before knocking back another potion. This is gonna take all of me and then some.  
“Fall back!” I scream at Sora, feeling the energy rush out of me and build in the Godhand. He casts a look over his shoulder to me, where I stand with a glowing claw attached to my arm, and he dives out of the way, under a table with a missing leg. The Heartless race over, trying to crowd him as I unleash a Tallboy.  
It knocks the wind out of me and puts me on my back. The ceiling of the building is hazy, but I see black starting to cloud my vision and I force myself up, onto my knees. I blink back stars and smash my Godhand into several Shadows. They disintegrate quickly, thanks to the immense damage dealt by the Tallboy. They’re a bitch and a half to cook up, even at full health, but they’re worth it for the widespread, catastrophic damage. I see Sora clamber out from beneath the table, and I push myself up, off of my knees. I nearly topple over onto the Heartless, but I whip my body around, smashing my claw into them. I beat and beat, trying to make my way over to Sora, despite the claws that rip through the exposed skin of my thighs. These fuckers maybe be small and weak, but they’re annoying as all hell. I kick one out of the way, launching a grenade from out of my pocket. It explodes in a burst, taking out a few Heartless without wasting any of my energy  
“There are too many!” Sora shouts out. And that’s when a green light washes over him. And me.  
“Sora!!!” Donald rasps from the front door. “What do you think you’re doing?”  
“Don’tcha know, we’ve gotta stick together to fight the Heartless!” Goofy reminds him.  
“This wasn’t exactly planned, this just kinda happened.” I insist, feeling much better after being cured, and I smash my claw into a cluster of Shadows, taking them out in one swipe. Much better.  
Planned or not, Donald and Goofy join us, Goofy smashing his shield into Heartless, Donald casting magic on them, a series of third level spells, knocking out groups of them, while Sora and I slice at them with our weapons. It takes forever, there have got to be thousands of them, but at long last, the room is clear, and the four of us fall into a heap, leaning with our backs against one another.  
“I never want to do that again.” I breathe.  
“I uh, I think my Shield’s busted.” Goofy says.  
“I’m so tired.” Sora heaves.  
“Tired? You’re tired? I’m so awake I could…” Donald doesn’t get to finish his very fake, very out of breath statement though. Underneath the four of us a rumbling starts, and it’s all we can do to scramble away from one another, to opposite sides of the room as a crack slices open through the floor. An arm reaches out: yellow and deadly, jagged, like an old rusted machine. But the creature moves quickly, in huge movements, erupting from the core of the world as though it has had eons to rest.   
A drill protrudes from one hand. The left leg is a cannon. It looks directly at me and fires a shot. I throw myself out of the way, and land hard, with a thud, thanks to the weight of the Godhand. It looks to Donald, and launches a cannon. He casts a Magnera spell and the cannon blows back, knocking the creature on it’s back. As it rights itself, I see the Heartless insignia on it’s underside and Sora and I exchange a knowing look. Here’s the big, bad, scary Heartless. It shoots another cannon ball at Goofy, who blocks it, despite the dent in his shield, and the cannon ball, once again knocks the Heartless over. It follows the same suit with Sora, who also deflects, before it turns on me again, this time the drill coming to life. It sprints over to me drill in it’s outstretched arm. I don’t have enough energy to create any more mixes, so I chuck a grenade at it and hope for the best. It falters and races to Donald, but I run after it, slashing at it from the back. It creaks and stutters, unable to register who it’s coming at. It whips around, suddenly dangerously, close to me, drill in it’s face, when Donald casts a fire spell, it turns back around to him, before it can get me and this time Goofy closes in, knocking it. It rounds on him and Sora slashes at it’s back.  
As it spins around it grows closer and closer to each of us, and by time Sora delivers the final blow, the drill has grazed the skin of my face. The Heartless creaks and stutters before combusting into rays of light. I have to shield my eyes until finally the light dissipates. It does and the Heartless is gone and I sink onto the floor, lying flat on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Once again, Donald, Goofy and Sora are in the heap with me, panting, sweating and mildly dying. Donald has enough MP left to cast Curaga on he and Goofy and I roll Sora an Elixir as I drink one of my own.  
“I’m dying.” Donald sighs.  
“I don’t think I can do that again.” Goofy says.  
“I don’t want to do that again.” Sora agrees. I just press the heels of my hands into my eyes.  
“That’s it, right? Like there’s not another bastard of one after this?” I ask. The air goes still.  
We wait for a minute, then another, then another.  
We wait a lot longer than we should before another light flashes in front of us and I want to cry. If this is another fucking Heartless…  
But it’s not. A Keyhole appears on the ceiling and with lazy limbs, Sora points his sword at the ceiling and a burst of light shoots out of the tip of the blade and through the Keyhole. Once again, it’s so bright, I have to shield my eyes, but once I do, the Keyhole is gone and I take a breath.  
“That’s it?” I ask and Sora nods.  
“That’s it.” He confirms.  
“But uh…we don’t need to move for a little while, right?” Goofy asks.  
“I hope not.” Donald sighs.  
\--  
And we don’t move for at least another hour. When we are finally able to get back to our feet, we head right back home to find Del and Amaya still gone.  
“They left before we did.” Donald tells us.  
“Well, I guess your ship must suck to repair.” I shrug.  
“Didn’t you say you didn’t have the parts to repair it?” Sora asks me and I shrug.   
“We don’t, I’m sure we don’t. But Amaya said she has a plan.” I say with a shrug and then add “I mean, she’s a sweetheart, she’d do anything she can to help.” More for Sora’s benefit than mine, because truth be told, I’m worried about what kind of plan she might have an how far in debt it might put us. So much munny is rolled into that shop, we really can’t afford to lose more than a few parts in exchange for Sora saving our world.  
“Sounds like she’s a good friend.” He says and I nod.  
“They’re both turds, but so am I, so it’s fine.” I laugh, and as if on key, Del and Amaya bust through the door at that moment.  
“Oh! Sora, Donald, Goofy! How was your tour?” Amaya asks.  
“Well, we sealed the Keyhole, defeated some Heartless.” Donald starts.  
“And froze our butts off.” Goofy laughs.  
“So now we’re hungry.” Sora laughs and Amaya bites her lip.  
“You sealed the Keyhole?” She looks like she’s holding back tears, which is mildly embarrassing. She throws her arms around Sora and wraps him in a tight hug, leaving me feeling quite a bit like chopped liver.  
“That explains why there were no Heartless on the way home! That’s so freaking cool, Sora, what did you do? How did you fight them? Where was the Keyhole? How many Heartless do you think there were?” Del asks, crowding Sora while he is still wrapped in Amaya’s embrace.   
“Um a lot? Rueki was there, she can probably tell you?” He says it more like a question and Del waves his hands.   
“But you’re the Keyblade master, like you really know what’s going on!” Del insists and I roll my eyes.  
“I’ll make dinner I guess.” I mutter and I disappear into the kitchen as my friends coo over Sora.  
I grab some leftover chili and start dishing it out into bowls.  
I don’t even realize when Amaya appears beside me, but she does, and helps me start spooning.  
“Oh, Rueki, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to not thank you, I mean of course, I am so thankful that you helped Sora, you’re such a strong person.” She is talking a mile a minute and I shake my head at her.  
“It’s okay. I don’t need to be thanked, not having the Heartless around will be thanks enough.” I say, though I definitely don’t mean it. Fuck Del, completely brushing me aside like that. And after I pretended to tolerate sex with him and everything. And hey, fuck Amaya too, cuz I know she’s only fawning over me now to assuage her guilt at ignoring me.  
“I know! It’ll be so lovely not to have to run, not to have to live in fear.” Amaya is biting her lip, but it doesn’t hide her smile. “I only wish there was something we could do to repay Sora and his friends.”   
“Well you were working on his ship, right? If you’ve got it fixed, I’d call that even.” I shrug. Amaya is still chewing on her lip. “I know that face, what’s wrong?”  
“You couldn’t fix my ship.” Sora’s voice sounds off behind us, incredibly doom and gloom for him. We turn, me leaning against the counter top, Amaya with her fingers laced together.  
“I’m sorry Sora…that’s true.” Amaya looks down at her feet. “We won’t be able to fix your ship, I mean it’s not in bad shape, but it won’t take you as far as you want to go. So I made you a new one!” She looks up, eyes light, smile spread across her face like ‘haha gotcha!’  
“Everything’s all state of the art, the best ship money can buy!” Del leans in from the other room, standing against the wall.  
“What?” Sora and I ask at the same time.  
“I can’t accept this!” Sora insists as I stare back and forth, incredulously between Del and Amaya.  
“Sure you can, you saved our world!” Del insists.  
“Consider it our gift to you!” Amaya beams.  
“Guys, this is…” Sora is trying and failing to come up with words, so I step in for him.  
“Fucking ridiculous is what it is. Do you not care about eating for the next month?Or have you both somehow forgotten how expensive parts are when you’re building a ship from scratch?” I snap. Del and Amaya both look me over for a long quiet moment.  
“Do you even realize how cold you’re being?” Del looks at me incredulously.  
“Better cold than stupid!” I snap at him. “We don’t have the money to be throwing parts away, especially on a ~happy joy free gift~ of a job! I get it, you’ve got a raging hardon for this guy’s heroics and Amaya can’t tell someone no, but I can. We will literally starve if we give away a free ship.I am not exagerating and the both of you should be smart enough to realize that!”  
“Rueki, what Sora did for us isn’t something we can ever repay, this is the least we can do!” Amaya insists and I whip around on her.  
“No, housing him for free and doing free repairs on the ship that already exists was the least we could do. What you did was charity work, and without even consulting me?” I ask.  
“You were busy!” Amaya insists.  
“And you’re selfish.” Del grumbles.  
“And you’re an overbearing, dull, unimportant moron who thinks he can give meaning to his idiotic existence by shoving his nose up the ass of anything new and exciting that crosses the atmoshpere. And maybe it makes you feel like you’re not an asshole for us leaving Amaya unprotected at the shop that night. But newsflash, Del, us going bankrupt isn’t going to give anything meaning, it’s just going to make us homeless.” I remind him and his eyes flash, something frightened and hurt, but I don’t care. Who the hell do they think they are?  
“Rueki, I’ll pay.” Sora insists. “We’ve got enough munny, I swear.”   
“No you won’t, this is our way of saying thank you, Rueki is just being greedy.” Del sneers.  
“I’m being practical, which I understand, is something you can’t even spell, but use your mind for once Del! Or at the very least, get the opinion of someone who is, I dunno, 1/3rd owner of the shop? Cuz that’s kind of a big decision to make without even saying a word to me!” I snap. He looks me over with narrow eyes, crossing his arms to his chest.  
“Is that really all you think of us, Rueki? That I’m dumb and Amaya is a doormat with no opinion of her own?” He asks and I scoff.  
“Dear Twilight, do you not even realize that this is so not the time to be having this argument?” I ask.  
“Well it sounds like it should be, cuz that’s the only reason you think your opinion is more valid. Amaya and I are beneath you, and therefore we don’t deserve a say. But that’s a pretty weak argument if you ask me.” He insists and I grab a fistfull of hair from my temple, trying so hard to resist the urge to pull it out.  
“We. Will. Starve. On. The. Streets.” I say, between breaths. “Is that not a good enough argument for you?” I ask.  
“We’ll make it up later in the month.” Amaya pipes in.  
“You, I would recommend you shut up, because I know Del talked you into this shit so he could look cool for his new boyfriend.” I wave a hand at her and her jaw actually drops.  
“No, it was my choice Rueki! I was the one attacked by the Heartless, I am the one who wants to show gratitude to the person who rid our world of the things I still have nightmares about!” She shrieks.  
“That was not mine or Del’s fault, ‘Maya. So you could lay off rubbing it in.” I remind her.  
“And you could’ve stayed with me instead of being so controlled by your horomones that you ran off with Del the first chance you got! But this isn’t about fault, this is about paying our respects!” Her good hand is balled into a fist and I roll my eyes.  
“You are such a bleeding heart, such a flipping martyr. It’s cool though, that you’d rather screw yourself over if it meant you could pat yourself on the back and go ‘wow, I did a good deed, my existence isn’t meaningless’.” I roll my eyes.  
“Is that what you think of us?” Del barks. “That we’re meaningless?”   
“No, I think you’re fucking dumb and she’s a sap and that you’re both shit friends. You care more about your consious than you do about me! About yourselves!”  
“At least we have consciousess, you’re an ice cold bitch!” Del snaps and I’d like to say I hit him. I’d like to say I cried. But his words don’t even phase me. Instead I just roll my eyes and sneer.   
The kitchen is quiet for a strained, pregnant moment before Sora speaks.  
“I can pay…” He says in a small voice.  
“No!” Del and Amaya both shout.  
“You know, it’s pretty fucking clear that you guys would certainly benefit from my not being around.” I snarl.  
I don’t offer another word. Instead I strap into my Godhand and stomp out the door.  
I am around the corner before I notice Sora, Donald and Goofy chasing after me. It doesn’t bother me that the idiot brigade hasn’t even bothered to follow me. My own friends don’t give a damn enough to try to make ammends. Whatever, maybe Del was right, maybe I am above them, maybe they suck and all they are, is two people I put up with for convenience sake. After all, why would I want to be friends with some sappy, spineless, moron of a girl and date a cute, idiotic pest of a boy?  
But no, I don’t mean that, I was pissed. I was acting out of anger, thinking out of anger. Del and Amaya are my friends and as much as my ego wants to think I don’t need them…  
Well I don’t need them, but I want them. And they might very well need me.  
I slow down a little and hear footsteps clattering behind me.  
“Rueki!” Sora breathes! “Look, I’m sorry, If I would’ve known what they were trying to do I would’ve refused! I can pay you guys, I know Del and Amaya don’t want me to but I don’t want you guys to lose your house or the shop!”   
I heave a sigh.   
“That wasn’t something I wanted to drag you into.” I shake my head. “They should’ve told you, you know warned you that it’s gonna be costly. I mean I could even handle them giving you the ship at wholesale…” I shake my head. “Sorry. We’ll work it out. It’s fine.”   
“I can’t accept such a huge gift, Rueki!” He insists and I smile a little.  
“That’s cuz you’re not a suck human being. But maybe they’re right. Maybe I am and I should be bending over backwards to give you a free ship. I just dunno anymore. Maybe they’re better off without me and my bad attitude. Maybe I should build a ship of my own and find my home world without them.” I shrug. Sora looks at me with hurt eyes. “C’mon, let’s get you to your ship.”  
We walk through town, taking the longest way possible, unbeknownst to the trio. And yeah, it’s probably a little bit mean of me to subject them to unnecessary cold, but it does help me clear my head. And come to terms with the fact that I need to apologize to my friends, which almost pains me to do. It makes me feel like an idiot, having to admit that I was wrong. But it’ll definitely make for more harmonious living. I unlock the garage, pop open the roof of the shop, and the light of the day lights up two ships: Sora’s mostly fixed Kingdom and a newer, sleeker ship.  
“It’s smaller.” Donald says.  
“But probably faster.” Goofy counters.   
“Looks like these are the keys.” I toss them to Goofy, who fumbles them. Donald ends up snatching them.  
“I’m flying.” Donald takes them and unlocks the ship, opening it up and heading in. Goofy follows suit. And I have to admit, it’s nice. I’m surprised they were able to crank it out in just a few hours, but I suppose nothing should surprise me when it comes to what my friends will do to be kind.   
Sora looks me over for a long minute, rubbing the back of his head.   
“Are you and your friends gonna be okay?” He asks and I shrug.  
“Probably. And if not, it’s not your problem, don’t worry kid.” I try.  
“You could come with us?” Sora tilts his head to the side and I can see it is a strained effort. I don’t belong any more in his trio than I do in my own. I offer him a weak smile and shrug.  
“Nah, you’d hate traveling with me. I’m a pain in the ass, remember?” I ask and he falters.  
“But what about finding your home world? And traveling?” He reminds me, as though I need it.  
“No offense, kid, but I’m not equipped for saving the world. I’d get in your way. I want to find my home world. I want to prove myself on my own, I don’t want to feel like I owe anyone for saving me from my not so terrible life.” I insist.  
“But…” He starts and I shake my head.  
“Like I said, I want to have adventures on my own, make new friends, broaden my horizons, break free from this tiny world. I can’t do that as your tagalong.” I remind him. He looks at me for a long moment and then nods. “If I can make amends with my friends and do that with them, cool. If not, well I know what I want and nothing’s gonna hold me back.”  
“I’m glad we became friends, Rueki.” He tells me and I heave a sigh, pulling him into a tight hug. After a moment I release him and pat his head.   
“Me too, kid.” I reply.   
“See you around, old lady.” He smiles.  
“Yeah, yeah, get outta here before I beat your ass.” I wave my hands at him. He doesn’t turn back as he leaves, but I watch them take off and disappear into the atmosphere.   
After leaving and closing the garage, I stand out in the cold for a minute, rubbing my arms. I should probably apologize to Del. I should probably thank Amaya and tell her that she’s a good person for helping Sora. I rehearse my apology like a mantra in my head on my walk home. They don’t tend to come easy for me, but like I told Sora, I don’t have a terrible life. I need to learn to embrace that and stop waiting for greatness to happen.   
I am not prepared for what I see as I push my shoulder into the door of our home, opening it wide. Del sits at the kitchen table, shirt half way across the room, lying draped over the couch, along with his belt, his shoes, Amaya’s jacket…  
She’s straddling him, her choppy dark hair hanging in her face as she kisses down his neck. His head is thrown back, hands sliding the zipper of her dress down. His eyes are closed and moans are spilling from his lips.  
“Maya…” He breathes her name like it is the gospel. A gust of wind slams the door shut behind me and Del jolts up. Amaya literally falls off of his lap and onto her ass on the ground. His eyes go wide as he takes in the sight of me. He climbs up, zipping his jeans—which do not hide the erection protruding from his pants. Amaya turns, her good eye meeting me.  
“Fuck. Shit.” Del chokes out.  
“Rueki!” Amaya’s face turns hot pink. “We were just…we thought…where’s Sora?” She asks. I blink, because that’s all I can think to do.  
I should be hurt. I should be devastated. I should be angry. I should be something.  
I’m not even shocked.  
This is no more inconvenient to me than the icy wind. What kind of ice cold bitch can catch her best friend and her boyfriend going at it and feel nothing at all?  
Scratch that, I do feel something. A heavy, hollow nothingness in the pit of my stomach.  
“We thought you’d be out longer. It’s not what it looks like. She was hurt over what you said, I was comforting her.” Del says these very contradicting things and I just look at him with a twisted, mildly displeased face, because that seems like the expression I am supposed to show. C’mon Rueki! I’ve gotten pissed at much less than this.  
But did I ever love him? Were he and Amaya ever more than just the best of an odd situation?  
I feel my temples pounding and I shake my head, trying to shake off the disgusting suspicion that I have spent the past nine years faking my way through friendship, because who the hell does that? What kind of person thinks that is appropriate?   
“This is the first time this has ever happened, Rueki, we are so sorry, nothing like this will ever happen again, it was just the heat of the moment and—” Amaya starts, all poetic and pleading, but Del cuts her off.  
“You’ve been acting so distant lately, and Amaya needed me and it just felt so good to be needed, I mean you didn’t love me or anything, right? I mean you were so mean earlier. ” Del swipes a hand through his hair.  
“Omigod, Del, that is not helping!” Amaya turns to him with a bright red face.   
“Hey, if she weren’t so cold, I wouldn’t have—”  
I can’t hear any more of this.   
As quickly as I entered the house, I turn to leave, letting the door slam behind me. The icy wind is, for the first time in the nine years that I have memory of, soothing. I want to stand there, eyes closed, back to the door, letting the wind beat into me, just to prove I can feel something, but that is too high a risk. There is a good chance Del and Amaya will come after me as soon as they are dressed, and by then, I don’t want to be anywhere near them. I don’t want to be anywhere where they can come to plead, to try to absolve themselves of guilt. I don’t want to listen to them tell me it’s my fault for being an ice queen.  
Because it might be true.  
Do I even have a heart? Or am I no better than the creatures I just helped the keybearer banish from this world?   
I set my hand to my chest, wanting to listen to the sound of it beating, but my hands are already numb from the weather. I cannot feel anything, let alone a hummingbird heartbeat.  
They don’t need me. They don’t need a liar, a fake friend, an emotionless piece of trash weighing them down any further. They need each other, but they don’t need me.  
Have I been faking this the entire time, counting down the minutes until I could leave them behind, unconsciously? Have I been spending these past nine years, thinking I am above them, above their friendship, above caring about them? I didn’t think so, but if not, then what the hell kind of person barely even blinks when she sees the boy she is supposed to love—or at least like— hooking up with the closest thing she has to a sister?  
I need to get away from them, as far as I can.  
I break out into a sprint, and I don’t even think about what I want to do, but my body understands what my brain is subconsciously thinking, without even being told. My legs, though short and thick, take me to the Gummi Repair Shop before Del or Amaya can catch up to me. I unlock the door to the Mechanic’s Bay and take one look at the huge ship sitting on deck. A Kingdom, Amaya had called it. I remember her words to Sora clear as day ‘We won’t be able to fix your ship, I mean it’s not in bad shape, but it won’t take you as far as you want to go. So I made you a new one!’ But I don’t need to go as far as Sora. I just need the next world over. After all, I might not even be from this world and…  
I want to leave behind this disturbing disassociation. I want to get into the air and fly so fast that I leave all traces of myself behind. I want to fly somewhere that stings and burns just so I can prove to myself that I am not defective.   
I slam my fist onto a button, opening the roof of the building before stomping over to the desk. As the roof creaks open, I grab the keys to the ship from the desk and unlock it. A ramp slides out of a door and as soon as I am safely inside, it retracts, the door shutting behind it.  
It’s huge, but overall, the same layout I’m used to from all the test flights I’ve done. Guns, acceleration, and rows upon rows of buttons, triggering different reactions from the ship. I climb into the pilot’s seat, strapping myself in before I jam the keys into the ignition. I turn them and the ship roars to life. I pull a lever and it starts to ascend. I climb and climb, making sure I am right at the edge of my world before I take off.  
For being as hefty as it is, the Kingdom moves launching me through space at blinding speed, lighting up every nerve ending on my skin. I laugh, eyes bright and wild as I soar, as the light of the stars zooms past me. I cruise like this for an hour at least, wondering if I ever really need to come down. I feel good, I feel something.  
That is when something grabs onto the ship and pulls.  
There is no world in site, just a black mass of nothingness, and for a moment I panic. A black hole is hella difficult to pull away from. But just as quick as panic sets in, my reflexes take control. I slam into the over drive button and hurtle one of the thrusters forward, whipping the ship away from the black hole at top speed. It’s touch and go for a minute, but I tear free.  
Just in time to realize which of the wings on the ship is still busted.  
The right wing, the wing closest to the hole rips off, spiraling straight into the center of the mass.  
“Fuck!” I cry out, cranking the thrusters once more, but it’s no luck. Without the wing, the ship quickly loses altitude, sinking swiftly into the blackness. The gravity of this hole is outrageously strong, stronger than anything I’ve ever heard of. I pinch my eyes shut and for a second, I think to pray, but I don’t know what to pray to.  
So I let myself sink.  
The ship grows hot as it falls and as quickly as I was taken by the blackness, grey light floods the windows of the ship. A city, not unlike my home world appears around me. Tall grey buildings, pounding rain, black skies  
I slam several of the buttons in the front, trying to find the one to eject me from the ship, but I’m not fast enough.  
The impact of the ship smashing into the ground knocks me unconscious.


	3. Chapter 3

III.  
My body hurts. Every single one of my limbs, appendages and joints aches. My lungs are on fire. And my head is throbbing.  
It’s bright in the room I am in, sterile. Too white. The light nearly blinds me and I squint, looking at the ceiling through narrowed green eyes.  
“You’re awake.”  
I jump, faster than my body wants me to, harder than my body wants me to, and move with zero coordination. I hit the floor, tumbling off the bed, and although it wasn’t a far fall, it hurts all the way up to my spine. What the hell?  
I look up at the figure the voice came from, and had I not known by the sound that the owner was male, there’d be no way for me to tell what the hell I was talking to. The man wears a black coat that goes down to his ankles, black boots and black gloves. The hood of his cloak is up and hangs so low, I cannot see his face, not even in the overbearing light of the room. He’s skinny, almost androgynous in shape, but I guess if I really look, I can kind of see the outline of broad shoulder muscles.  
“Hey, don’t do that, you’re gonna hurt yourself.” He sounds whiny, nasally. Like he’s got a sinus infection or something.  
“Tchh.” Is my clever reply, before I leap off of the floor and take off into a sprint. I grab the nob of the door and yank it open, taking off down the hall, but not before I hear him whine to himself.  
“C’mon! I’m not the right guy for this kind of job.”  
I’m half way down the middle of nowhere, in a pure white hall with pure white walls, my pulse hammering in my temples, my lungs screaming. I don’t know how this guy hasn’t caught me, being bottom heavy with short legs means speed isn’t exactly my friend, and with how much pain I’m in, this guy is either in hella bad shape or not trying hard.  
I swallow, dryly.  
Let’s hope it’s the former, I don’t want to know what this place has in store if he’s not even trying to catch me.  
I dodge down halls, trying to remember the turns I take. I read somewhere once that if you keep your hand on the wall in a maze, you can get out of it, no problem. I slam my right hand against the closest wall, hoping this is true.  
Scouring the depths of my memory, I try to remember what happened that led me here.  
Del and Amaya.  
She was in his lap, half dressed, his lips at her neck. She begged me to stop, promised this was the first time this had happened, that it was an accident and she’d never mean to hurt me. He was flustered, accused me of being distant, of not being that into him in the first place, of driving him to do this. He wasn’t wrong, my heart is racing more now in this empty hallway than it ever had with him.  
And that didn’t feel right, that was disturbing. I dated him for a few months, I’d been friends with him for years, I should’ve felt something, right?  
Anything?  
I don’t even feel anything now, with the memories so fresh.  
Why? How can I really be that cold?  
Sora’s ship.  
It was right outside the shop, I didn’t come from Transmute City, I wasn’t a native, and clearly my friends didn’t need me anymore. I don’t want to admit it to myself, but I know I’ve outgrown them too. So I took off…  
And then?  
Oh no. The wing. Amaya must’ve started a half assed repair before giving up on the Kingdom, making it flyable but unstable. That’s why my lungs are on fire. The ship spiraled into a strange, black hole. Into a grey world and then…  
I remember waking up in a sterile white room.  
I slow to a walk as I look over the hall I’m in. I haven’t moved my hand but I must’ve been running in circles, because despite the non distinct décor, I am certain I’ve been in the hallway before.  
“Fuck.” I whisper.  
“That’s not a very nice word.” The nasally voiced guy is standing behind me. I whip around to see him wagging a finger at me. With his other hand, he pulls down the hood to reveal a pale face, sandy brown hair spiked into some odd mullet-mohawk combination and eyes that are the same shade of green as mine. “C’mon, cut me a break, I’m just supposed to be your babysitter.” He tells me.  
“Fat chance.” I rasp back, because my throat is still screaming, but again I take off into a run, vowing to stick to the left. I don’t get far before a black swirl materializes in front of me. Damn, Heartless. It is now that I realize I don’t have the Godhand on me anymore, and I’m certain it’s mullet man who took it. I reach into the pocket of my belt for a grenade or something. There is a gaping, singed hole in it, which I can only assume is from the explosion of my ship.  
I am utterly useless.  
From the darkness, mullet man emerges and I feel my back hit a wall.  
“What the hell are you?”  
“Demyx, number IX, the Melodious Nocturne. I control the Dancer Nobodies and the element of water. And, as of right now I am your personal escort to a meeting in your honor." He says with a goofy little wave of his hand, as though it is absolutely no big deal. As though I did not just wake up in a strange place with a strange man sitting beside my bed.  
“I’m not letting you escort me anywhere.” I tell him.  
“I don’t think either of us really have a choice.” He tells me with an exhausted sigh. “Trust me, I’d rather be sitting on the sidelines, I don’t want to drag you around. This usually isn’t my kinda gig.”  
“Then why are you the one doing it?” I ask.  
“Couldn’t tell ya.” He says with a shrug. “Usually this is Axel’s thing. You’ll meet him at the meeting, he and Saix were patrolling the city when your ship crashed.” These names mean absolutely nothing to me.  
“I’m sorry that I crashed, trust me it was not intentional. But I’ve got munny on me, I’ll buy some parts, have it repaired in a few days and then I’ll be gone, you’ll never see me again.” The munny thing is a complete lie, and I have no idea what state my ship is in or if it can even be fixed. But this guy, Demyx, doesn’t know that, right?  
“You have no idea where you are, do you?” He asks me and I shake my head. “You didn’t mean to end up here? You’re not using the power of darkness to travel?”  
“What? No.”  
“I knew it.” He grumbles. “Well this will be a complete waste of both of our time.” He says.  
“Then I don’t need to go anywhere?” I ask and he chuckles.  
“I think we’re both outta luck there.” He tells me. “Seriously though, can we make this as easy as possible?”  
“Are your friends going to kill me?” I ask, because I have a feeling this guy is 100% a doofus, 100% of the time and couldn’t lie to me to save his life.  
“I doubt it. That wouldn’t be normal practice, but then again, you showing up here isn’t normal practice.” Doubting my death isn’t exactly the reassurance I was hoping for, but I also am not stupid enough to be genuinely hopeful. And, I don’t have any more cards to play. I don’t think I can keep him talking too much longer and I have absolutely zero weapons with me. This is great. Demyx the mullet man is going to lead me to my slaughter.  
I follow him, my head down, my hands in my pockets as he leads me down a series of hallways. I try to keep track of what directions he is turning, in case I need to make a break for it, but everything is so plain and white, I know I’ll be screwed if I try to run. It all just looks the same.  
Finally, we stop at a set of gigantic double doors that must go up at least three stories. Seems rather unnecessary, but I keep my mouth shut. If I’m gonna die, I want it to be saying something a little smarter than ‘those doors are tall’.  
Demyx walks me through the darkness to what I’m assuming is the center of the room, and I almost think that it is a nice relief from the blinding whiteness. Almost. And then the lights kick on to reveal—surprise, surprise—another white room. This one completely empty, save for a series of chairs. Thrones, it almost appears, all at different heights throughout the room. I count them in my head. Twelve. All but one of them currently occupied by people in the same black robe as Demyx. Eleven men, one woman. Their eyes bare into me.  
“I brought the girl.” Demyx says, sounding just as doofy as he did a few minutes ago talking to me.  
“Thank you number IX, you may take a seat.” Says a man with deep skin, glowing golden eyes and snow white hair. Well, at least this explains the number thing, they must all have their own respective hierarchy among the group. Sucks that the person most likely to be my friend is almost at the bottom. “State your name.” The man with the golden eyes booms at me. I wrinkle my nose, cuz this is weird and uncomfortable and I hate it. On display like an animal for show, to people who are maybe going to kill me.  
“Rueki.” I say, resolving to keep my head high. No matter what happens, I’m doing it with dignity.  
“And where are you from?” He asks again.  
“Nowhere.” I say, crossing my arms to my chest.  
“Every being in this universe is from somewhere.” He reminds me. I roll my eyes and huff. Does it really matter?  
“Transmute City.”  
“That is nowhere.” A man with long hair, pulled into a ponytail and an eyepatch over one of his eyes comments, a twinkle in his visible eye.  
“It doesn’t change the fact that we don’t know why you’re here, Rueki.” A man with silvery blue hair a scar on his forehead, and golden eyes—is this a thing here?—says to me, his voice chillingly calm. I don’t know what it is about him, but he looks down at me and I can feel his gaze pierce me. It leaves me uncomfortable and cold to the bone, like an icepick to my spine. Another man is looking at him, a man with red hair and tattoos below his green eyes. He looks at the blue haired man with such intensity, almost as though he is trying to convey something telepathically. If the blue haired man acknowledges the other man’s gaze, he isn’t showing it.  
“My ship crashed. A wing came off of it and the repair that was done on it was a complete hack. The shop didn’t have the right parts and the girl doing the work was too distracted by her boyfriend.” Never mind the fact that it was my shop and the boy she was distracted by was my boyfriend.  
“This explains nothing.” A man with black hair and some hefty sideburns says. “No one has entered this world by accident before.”  
“Lucky them.” I can’t hold that back, my stupid mouth got carried away. The red haired man cracks a smile and it’s the first warm feeling I’ve experienced in this world. Maybe there’s hope for me. “Look, I don’t know where I am, I got here by accident. I promise. I already told Demyx, just give me a few days, I’ll fix my ship and be gone, I promise.” I insist.  
“You don’t seem to understand, Rueki from Transmute City. This world is not a ship stop like your world is. This world isn’t even on the map for those not traveling through darkness. So how could you, of all people have ended up here?” The man with the white hair asks and I raise an eyebrow.  
“What does that even mean? I traveled by Gummi Ship, like most people?” It sounds more like a question that a statement and a blonde woman, the only woman in the room lets out a high, almost musical giggle. I’m transfixed by the sound of it.  
“Awwe the little princess got lost on her adventure and doesn’t know how to handle herself around the bad guys. You’d be precious if you weren’t such an idiot.” She snaps, leaning back into her hands, and for a second, I think I could slap her. Just a second because there’s something in her icy blue eyes that scares me just a bit.  
“I can promise you guys, I want to be here as little as you want me here. There was a traveler in my world, he crashed this ship, it got a half assed repair job and he took off in another ship so I borrowed his ship.” I say. “I don’t know what the hell he was using to travel, darkness or whatever, but I can promise you, this is all just a mistake.”  
“Tells us more about this traveler.” A man with blue hair, covering one of his eyes leans forward in his seat. He’s younger than the rest of them, with the exception of the girl or Demyx, maybe, both of whom look to be about my age.  
“Just some kid.” I lie straight through my teeth, because Sora was good to my world. He saved me and the people that might have once been my friends, he’s a good kid and according to the girl, these people aren’t good people. I’m not ratting out the mere existence of the Keybearer. And maybe if I play dumb they’ll be inclined more to just let me go. Maybe. “I dunno, he didn’t stay long.”  
“And why were you so desperate to escape your world that you took off in a damaged ship?” An older man with pale hair and strange, green eyes asks me, with a look that is unsettling. Not for the first time today, I feel like a science experiment on display.  
“I…” I’m caught off guard on this one. Damn, can’t play dumb here. I try to come up with the most feasible lie, but I know I’m taking too long, they’re not gonna believe me. I heave a sigh, mouth coming into a pout. “I had some friends that stabbed me in the back. I couldn’t be around them anymore. We’d always talked about seeing other worlds, I figured maybe it was time for me to do just that.” I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, disturbed by how void of emotion my voice sounds. Nothing, still no pain, no agony, not even the faintest trace of annoyance at catching my boyfriend and my best friend going at it. It feels like nothing more than a mild inconvenience, a stubbed toe is worse than this.  
C’mon Rueki, there’s gotta be something.  
“Welp, I believe her. I don’t think she’s a threat. Just some girl on an adventure gone wrong.” The redheaded man shrugs, and the way he looks at me is perhaps the most disturbing of all. Even from his throne I can see it in his eyes, he believes me, he trusts me. And he doesn’t even know me.  
“Whether or not she’s believable is besides the point.” A burly man with spiky brown hair says. “What’s most disturbing is how ‘some girl on an adventure’ was able to find our world. Tell us, was there anything strange about this traveler that might lead you to believe he was traveling by darkness?”  
Yes, definitely. “No. Like I said, it was just some kid.” Who might or might not have power over a magical weapon with an affiliation to the light. Well, I guess I gave a half truth. There is no way Sora would be traveling by darkness.  
“Umm, she did seem pretty scared of me, guys. I think Axel is right. I don’t think she means us any harm.” Demyx says and I make the decision in my head to stick with him, or possibly this Axel guy. Some allies right now would be awesome.  
“If she’s afraid of you she either is a fantastic liar or completely innocent, being that you’re the most incompetent among our ranks.” A man with pink hair says in a voice smoother than silk. It takes me a minute to realize he just insulted Demyx.  
“Hey, I did a good job watching over her!” Demyx insists.  
“Watching over a comatose girl is nothing to be proud of.” The pink haired man says again.  
“Enough of your squabbles, Marluxia, Demyx.” The white haired man says, and although I got the feeling he was in charge from the beginning, I am now certain. “I also agree that this girl is nothing of importance.” He nods and I glare. Wow, fuck you too dude.  
Ugh, I need to set my ego aside, being ‘nothing of importance’ to this group is probably a good thing.  
“What shall we do with her, Superior?” An English accent sounds off from a man with closely cropped blond hair. “Such a funny thing that her fate rests in our hands.” He says, almost as though something about it is ironic. I must be missing the joke.  
“Like I said, I can leave as soon as I’m done repairing my ship..”  
“Your ship is beyond salvation. When Axel and I found you, you were lucky for his presence. Were it not for him, you’d have been engulfed by flames, just like your ship.” The blue haired man with the scar—Saix, I’m assuming from what Demyx said—nearly barks at me and I wrap my arms around my waist, almost as though they can protect me from him. I don’t like him. I really don’t like him.  
“Oh…” Is the weak response I have to offer. The girl cackles at me again, and I’m sure my patheticness is quite amusing to her. I look to Demyx, to Axel, because despite not knowing them, they’re the only ones that seem like they wouldn’t take any pleasure in my demise. Maybe my weakness will be endearing to one of them?  
“Awe, c’mon guys, let’s just cut her loose. Open up a portal to somewhere and drop her off.” Demyx insists, thank Twilight.  
“We can’t just let her go, you bumbling idiot, she knows too much.” The pink haired man says.  
“Awe man, you kids and your name calling. Slow your roll, Marluxia, she doesn’t know squat. She just woke up.” The man with the eye patch waves his hand. “You’re not thinking of the big picture if you wanna get rid of her.”  
“That lovely little weapon of hers was quite a rarity, I agree with you, Xigbar, this girl could be useful.” The man with the short hair says and my eyes widen.  
“So you did take my Godhand.” I grumble.  
“Someone of your stature is hardly fit to wield such a powerful weapon.” Sideburns says to me.  
“Besides, couldn’t have you coming after us with that thing, got it memorized?” Axel asks me and my stomach does a weird backflip. How is he so nonchalant? How are all of them so nonchalant as they discuss my life.  
“I don’t trust her, Superior. Harmless or not, she appears far too unpredictable and unhelpful for our cause.” Saix says, looking over me with narrowed eyes. My stomach does a different kind of backflip when he talks.  
“Can you fight, Rueki?” The man who looked at me like a science experiment asks and I nod.  
“Obviously, or I wouldn’t try lugging that damn claw around with me.” I say and the woman giggles again.  
“Ooh, ya know, I think this one might be fun to keep around. She’s feisty, she’ll be a joy to play with.” I’m both a little aroused and a little horrified at what playing with me entails to her.  
“I’m an Alchemist, too.” I say. “Whatever you guys need, potions, elemental stuff, I can synthesize it all, I just need materials and you know, my Godhand.”  
“Oh you certainly won’t be getting that back any time soon.” The man with hair covering his eye tells me.  
“We’ve got the whole elemental thing down, kiddo.” Eyepatch—Xigbar—says to me. “C’mon Xemnas, she wants to be helpful. Let’s see what she can do.” He says to white hair, who looks over me.  
“Very well then, Rueki. I agree, if you are looking to help our cause, we would be more than grateful to you.” Xemnas nods at me, his voice incredibly calm, despite everything. “However, I agree with Saix on the fact that you are an oddity, unpredictable. For the time being, you will be required to be under constant supervision by one of our members.”  
“I’m not a child, I don’t need a babysitter.” I insist, though that probably is a bad idea and I probably should just be grateful. I really need to figure out how to control my damn mouth.  
“Having a babysitter keeps you alive, Rueks, got it memorized?” Axel asks me. What a fucking tragic nickname, maybe he and I can’t be friends after all. “Anyway, when do I start?” Axel asks, as though the job is automatically his, and based on what Demyx said, it might very well be.  
“This is no job for you, Axel.” Saix snaps.  
“You have plenty of other missions you need to complete, number VIII. Now is not the time for you to focus on chaperoning. Number IX, however, you have no current missions on the docket.” Xemnas says and I look to Demyx.  
“Me? Oh, I dunno, this doesn’t really seem like the kind of job for me.” Demyx shakes his head. Dammit, mullet man, help me out. If Axel’s not gonna babysit me, it’s gotta be Demyx.  
“Are you not competent enough to watch over someone who is a foot shorter than you?” Marluxia snorts and jeez, he must really hate Demyx.  
“No, it’s just, she’s uh…spunky.” Demyx says and I want to tell him I’ll behave for him, but I’m also over the whole ‘looking weak to save my own skin’ thing. I’m already gonna live, what’s the worst they can throw at me? My eyes instantly wander to Saix. Oh please, no.  
“I’ll watch her. After all, we girls have gotta stick together.” The blonde woman looks at me as though she is a housecat and I’m an unlucky mouse.  
“Watching over her is not an optional mission, number IX.” Xemnas tells Demyx, who instantly sulks, but I breathe a sigh of relief. “My comrades, you are all dismissed. We will have another meeting in a few weeks time to discuss what to do next with our dear new, ally.” Xemnas makes direct eye contact with me and under his golden gaze, I begin to wonder if death would really be worse than this.  
\--  
My new room is as sterile and white as the room I wake up in. The only reason I know it is a different room is the fact that there is a dresser and a chaise in it along with the bed—which was the only thing in the first room, if memory serves me right. There is absolutely zero here for entertainment. Apparently there is a library somewhere in this place—The Castle That Never Was, inside of the World That Never Was, how creative—but I am not to go in it. Why? Because apparently Marluxia likes to spend his time there and Demyx would rather not be in the same room as him.  
“It’s like I’m his punching bag or something. He’s always got such an attitude, like he’s better than me.” Demyx tells me one day, as he plays music on his sitar. He’s good at it, really good and most evenings, he’s kind enough to play me to sleep.  
“He’s a douche, that much was pretty clear at the meeting.” I say, drawing transmutation circles with my finger into the comforter of my bed.  
“Yeah, most of the guys here kind of suck, I usually just keep to myself, play my music.” He tells me. “But uhh, it’s definitely nice to have you here!” He tells me and I snort on a laugh.  
“Dude, you don’t need to blow smoke up my ass.” I tell him.  
“I’m not, you haven’t really been directly mean to me yet.” He confesses.  
“And I promise not to run off on you again.” I tell him and he looks at me, skeptically. “Seriously, you’re probably the only one I wasn’t afraid to get stuck with. Other than that redheaded guy, Axel, right?” I ask and he nods.  
“Yep.” He tells me. “You know, it’s kinda weird, I looked to see what kind of missions Axel was slated for, and there wasn’t really anything. A couple small scale ones, but like I said, usually taking care of new members and showing them the ropes is his job. I don’t know why they gave it to me.”  
“Maybe because I’m a prisoner and not a member.” I grumble and Demyx chuckles, a pleasant musical sound in contrast to his nasally speaking voice.  
“Maybe.” He agrees. “Maybe they think he’ll be a bad influence on you. He’s unpredictable, apparently you’re unpredictable too.” He reminds me and I snort.  
“Only unpredictable when you don’t know me.” I say. “Is that Saix guy always so…cold?” I ask, unable to come up with a better word.  
“Oh yeah, most of the time he’s the most heartless one of all of us. Not that any of us have hearts.” He says, and I think it’s a strange metaphor, but whatever makes him feel like a more badass villain. “He’s got control of the moon though, or rather it has control of him. You catch him in a bad phase and he’ll go berserk on you.” He warns me and I scoff.  
“Wait, what do you mean the moon controls him?” I ask.  
“Well we’ve all got control of an element.” He says and I blink. “What did you think I meant when I said I had control over water?” He asks.  
“That you were really good at holding your pee?”  
He doesn’t stop laughing for seven and a half minutes.  
\--  
The man with short blond hair stops by one evening a week or so later and I quickly learn that his name is Luxord and that he would have gambled away his limbs already if he didn’t have uncanny good luck.  
“Have you been a good prisoner, Rueki, love?” He asks me and I roll my eyes.  
“The best. Probably should let me off on good behavior.”  
“Now that’s an idea. Shame the Nocturne here hasn’t been able to take you on a mission, give you a chance to prove yourself.” Luxord says with a shrug.  
“That wouldn’t be intentional, now would it?” I raise an eyebrow. Luxord shrugs and sets a stack of playing cards on the bed between the two of us.  
“I’m number X Rueki, I’m afraid I’m even lower down the totem than our friend Demyx, so to speak. I’m afraid I’m as lacking on information as he is.” He tells me, cracking his knuckles.  
“Don’t let him fool you, Rueki.” Demyx tells me. “He may be number X, but he’s always scheming something.” He says.  
“That’s unfair.” He says to Demyx. “I’ve never been accused of scheming.”  
“Well uhh…maybe that’s not the right word.” Demyx says, scratching his chin. “Well you’re always busy with something that only you, Saix and Xemnas ever seem to know anything about for some reason.” He says and Luxord’s carefully neutral expression breaks into a smirk.  
“Now that, you are correct about.” He says. “But dear Rueki here has no need for useless information about what I get up to, lets not bore the poor girl to death.” He says.  
“That’s sufficiently been done.” I say. “I’m getting serious muscle atrophy here.” I pout and Luxord chuckles.  
“What does number IX have you doing for fun?” He asks and I shrug.  
“He tells me stories. Plays music.” I say.  
“You poor girl, we must get you a hobby.” He says.  
“She keeps asking about the library but you know who likes to hang out there.” He sighs and Luxord chuckles.  
“Still quite scarred from when you found Larxene and Marluxia defiling one of the book cases?” And honestly, I don’t even wanna know the story behind that one.  
“I mean I clearly can’t even navigate my way around the castle, Demyx can attest to that. What’s the harm in letting me go by myself? I’m sure Demyx has a lot better things to do than tell me stories.” I say and Demyx shakes his head.  
“Definitely not, this is my kind of mission, keep signing me up for this type of thing.” He says. “Besides, we still ‘can’t trust you’ yet.” He says with air quotes.  
“What about you, Nocturne? Do you trust our houseguest?” Luxord lifts an eyebrow as he looks at me.  
“Sure. She’s too afraid of Saix to run.” Demyx says with a shrug and I shoot him a glare.  
“Dick, I told you that in confidence.” I snap and Luxord chuckles.  
“Well then, perhaps we’d best get Demyx a mission you can tag along on.” Luxord tells me.  
“Perhaps.” I roll my eyes. “That’s not very promising. So I get to sit around until then?” I ask.  
“That depends.” He tells me.  
“On what?”  
“Do you play Black Jack?”  
\--  
Demyx gets assigned a mission. The worst type of mission apparently, because Larxene, the woman cackles at him and calls him ‘the Heartless Wrangler’. Demyx groans something about it always being him and drags me outside.  
It rains the entire time we are outside, me without a weapon, sitting on the side of the castle while he fights the mobs of Heartless that keep trying to flock inside the castle to get out of the rain.  
“You know I can help you, right?” I shout to Demyx, through the booming thunder and pounding storm.  
“No you can’t you don’t have a weapon!” He shouts back at me.  
“Tell me where my Godhand is and I’ll go get it.” I insist.  
“Rueki, no offense, but I still like having the skin on my shell.”  
I huff and throw myself against the side of the building. My back screams at me for days.  
\--  
I have lost seven rounds of Black Jack and three rounds of Chess to Luxord today already. I’m in the process of losing another.  
“I thought you said you were good at chess?” Luxord all but laughs at me.  
“Is luck your element? Is that what this is?” I ask, running a hand through my hair.  
“Luck isn’t an element, Rueki, doll.” He tells me. “Time is though. And that’s mine.” He knocks my Queen off the board and I pout.  
“Time isn’t an element. Neither is the moon.” I say, remembering what Demyx said about Saix. “Aren’t there only four? Earth, Fire, Water and Air?” I ask and Luxord smirks at me. “And lightning I guess is it’s own elemental magic. And ice. And light. And darkness…” This isn’t going exactly where I want it to.  
“You’ll break dear Xigbar and Marluxia’s hearts.” He laughs at me and I raise an eyebrow.  
“Wat kind of bullshit elements do they have?” I ask.  
“Space and Flowers.”  
“Flowers are not an element.”  
\--  
It’s been exactly eighteen days since I became a prisoner here. I think to myself that I should be etching tally marks on the side of the castle as I sit and wait for Demyx in the rain.  
There are so many damn Heartless  
\--  
“You mean you caught your boyfriend cheating on you with your best friend?” Demyx nearly gasps, quite scandalized.  
“She must be quite the prize for him to toss you to the wayside, so to speak.” Luxord says.  
“She is very beautiful.” I agree. “But he was kind of a whiny brat. She did me a solid, taking him off my hands.” I shrug.  
“Are you sure you have a heart?” Demyx cackles at me and Luxord elbows him sharply. I raise an eyebrow but no one says anything more to me. I begin to wonder just what I don’t know about this Organization.  
\--  
I’m sitting on the floor, beside Demyx’s throne, waiting for this meeting to mean something.  
“Can you play Black Jack with Luxord today?” I call up to Demyx, who snorts.  
“You don’t wanna lose again?”  
Xemnas and Saix appear in their thrones.  
“Axel.” Xemnas calls. “Bring him in.”  
Axel enters the same doors that Demyx and I entered almost three weeks ago. I almost have an aneurism.  
A boy stands next to him, about the same height as me with sandy blonde hair and eyes as blue as the ocean.  
He could be Sora’s duplicate.  
“Today is a very important day.” Xemnas booms from his throne as I look desperately at the boy, trying to get him to make eye contact with me. If he looks at me I’ll know, I’ll really know if he’s Sora. “Another comrade has decided to wear the coat. I’d like you each to welcome our number XIII, Roxas, the Key to Destiny.” No way the key thing can be a coincidence. No way. What the fuck are these people?  
“Key to Destiny?” Demyx pipes up and I want to personally thank him for being on the same wavelength as me, even if unintentionally.  
“Roxas wields the Keyblade.” Xemnas answers and I must be dreaming. No way. Sora is the Keybearer. Nothing Amaya or Sora told me about the Keyblade stated that more than one person could wield it… “And he makes our ranks complete. We have fully assembled into Organization XIII.”  
I squint my eyes, looking over at the boy, Roxas. He’s Sora. I swear, he looks so much like him. And yet, when I cock my head to the side, he looks so unlike Sora and so incredibly sad that there’s no way that face can belong to the same boy. He looks up, his eyes locking onto mine and there is absolutely no recognition. Axel looks in the direction that Roxas is staring into and makes eye contact with me. His gaze lingers as though he is trying to figure something out—the exact look I thought Roxas might give me. I look down, wringing my hands.  
What the hell happened to Sora and why does this boy look so much like him? Why does he have the Keyblade?  
\--  
Saix finds Demyx after the meeting—which means he also finds me—and looks at me in a way that makes me want to find a hole and die in it.  
“You have a mission, number IX.” He says. “And a chance for you to prove yourself, Rueki.” I don’t like how he sounds when he says my name, as though I am something stuck to the bottom of his shoe.  
“Awe man, I was hoping we could take the rest of the day off.” Demyx sighs.  
“Perhaps you’d rather spend the rest of the day chasing Heartless away from the Castle?” He asks.  
“Definitely not, we’d love to go on a mission.” I say and Saix’s eyes narrow.  
“I believe the Nocturne can speak for himself.” He says, in a voice colder than ice.  
Demyx takes a note card out of Saix’s hand and leads me away.  
“Huh.” Demyx looks over the notecard as he has a hand on my shoulder, directing me away. “I haven’t been to Hollow Bastion in months.” He scratches his head.  
“What’s a Hollow Bastion?” I ask and Demyx gives me a sly look, shoving the card into his pocket. I am mildly disarmed.  
“It’s a…well you’ll see when we get there.” He says and with the wave of his hands, opens up one of those big, dark portals I’ve become accustomed to traveling with him. I’d rather we just exit the castle through the giant doors, like normal people. I don’t know how he does this, but according to him, it’s a trick everyone in the Organization knows, and I am a bit too afraid to question it. I pout.  
“I hate traveling through the darkness.” Black claws reach out to grab us as we walk. Dusks follow us around with their slow, distorted movements. Demyx walks past them, whistling, as though he doesn’t even notice. “What’s our mission supposed to be?” I ask.  
“Take a book from a wizard and scatter the pages from it.” Demyx says with a shrug.  
“That sounds…underwhelming.” I say.  
“My kind of mission. I can send a few Dusks in and they’ll gather the book up for me. We can get ice cream, we don’t need to do anything.” Demyx beams at me. I’ve pieced together from our trips outside to wrangle the Heartless that the Dusks seem to be the pawns of the Organization, something the members can summon at will. Again, the less I know though, the better.  
“How the hell am I supposed to prove myself?” I ask and he raises an eyebrow.  
“Do you want to get the book from the wizard?”  
“I would if I had a damn weapon.” I huff. He snickers at me and tucks into his pocket, pulling out a handful of synthesis items and a marker.  
“Think you can work with these?” I definitely can. I snatch them up and shove the items into my now mended pocket while I draw a Transmutation Circle on each of my hands. “What does that do?” He asks me.  
“It gives my energy a portal, so to speak. Even combining the items is useless without energy—my energy.” I say  
“Aren’t you gonna wear yourself out?” He asks and I shrug.  
“Not with only enough to make three or four cluster bombs.” I tell him. We come out the end of the tunnel to a world, filled with waterfalls and flowers, and yet, there is still enough concrete and merchant shops that it resembles Transmute City. I look around, taking everything in. Well holy shit, another world. True I crash landed in the World That Never Was, but outside of the castle, I’ve seen almost nothing. But this? This is something. “It’s what Transmute City would look like if it was actually not cold and miserable all the time.” I say.  
“Does it look familiar to you?” He asks and I lift an eyebrow. What a weird question.  
“No? It’s nice though. It’s cool. Now I’ve seen two more worlds than Del and Amaya.” I smile at him. He gives me a very half assed laugh and I sigh. “Where’s this wizard supposed to be?” I ask him.  
“There’s a house not far from here, you’ll know it when you see it.” He tells me. Utterly unhelpful, but whatever. I take off at a run, beyond excited to have some time out again. I feel the sun on my pale skin and I want to cry. It’s not raining. It’s not super cold here either, it’s actually pretty nice, and I get to stretch my legs. Maybe I should’ve taken Demyx up on his offer to kick back and eat ice cream.  
I find the house faster than I expect, it’s a tiny shack and once again, I am reminded of my home. The door is unlocked, no one is home and the book is on a wooden table. This is too fucking easy. I look around the room. Seriously, there’s no one here. Is this a trap? I snatch the book up and tear out every single page. Something about this feels dirty, but if this amounts to my freedom, then I honestly don’t care.  
“Hey!” Fuck. I spin and a man with dark hair wearing black leather emerges from a room.  
“You’re not a wizard.” I say to him and he squints at me, pulling a gun? No a sword? Out from behind his back.  
“Who are you?” He asks. Damn. I grab a handful of items out of my pocket and create a cluster bomb, throwing it to the ground and it explodes in a blaze. I break out into a sprint, the pages tucked to my chest as I hear the man shouting at me.  
“Leon? What the hell happened?” A female voice calls out, but I don’t stick around long enough to see who the woman is.  
I find Demyx exactly where I left him, two ice cream bars at hand, but I don’t waste any time. I grab him by the arm.  
“Rueki—hey!” He chokes out as I nearly take him to the ground.  
“Portal, now! The wizard has friends who wear leather!” Demyx, for all of his goofiness, waves his hand and opens up a portal. We race inside as I hear someone call out:  
“Stop! Thieves!”  
We catch our breath when the portal closes behind us. I’ve got a stitch in my sides but at least my lungs aren’t on fire anymore.  
“What the hell kind of mission was this?” I ask and Demyx laughs.  
“My favorite, I didn’t have to do anything. Wanna tag along on my missions forever?” He asks and I flip him off.  
“You’re the worst. And I hate you.”  
“Which is why I dropped your ice cream bar, not mine.” He grins at me. I sigh flopping down in the portal. For some reason, the Dusks and the claws don’t bother me as much right now. Probably because I’m spent.  
“I better get major bonus points for this.” I sigh.  
“You get all of the bonus points…And I’ll put in a good word to Xemnas for you.” Demyx says.  
“Let’s hope it gets us somewhere.”  
It does. One unsupervised visit to the library coming right up.


	4. Chapter 4

IV.  
“I know you.” I hear the voice before I can tell who it belongs to. My eyes dart up from the book I am pretending to read because honestly, any time where I’m not being babysat by Demyx and Luxord is appreciated at this point. Even if the books in this library are all boring as hell. How many tomes can one have about the darkness in someone’s heart?  
This trip to the library was supposed to be a treat, a reward for helping Demyx complete his mission. So far, all it has been is an unsupervised excuse to take a nap, which I guess is still better than a supervised nap.  
Axel, the red headed one, is standing in front of the table I’m at, elbows resting against it, close enough where I can feel him breathing.  
“Yeah, you’re the one that found me. You and Saix, right?” This might be the first time I’ve ever been alone in a room with him, and I can’t tell if he’s being weird to me or if he’s just a weird dude in general. Regardless of how good he smells—smokey, like a bonfire-- I don’t need anyone this close to me. And yet, I certainly don’t mind.  
“Right. But I know you, I’m just trying to figure out where from.” He tells me, not moving away. “Have I slept with you?” He asks me and my stomach does a backflip. That’s new. I don’t think anyone ever has made me this anxious.  
“Do you make a habit of sleeping with strange women?” I manage to choke out, and I’m relatively proud of myself for the witty response. I watch his lips curl into a smirk and he goes to tuck my bangs behind my ear when I reach up to grab his wrist. “They’re there for a reason.”   
“Suit yourself.” He taps me on the nose and offers me a wink. Definitely being flirty on purpose. Never looking away from me, he uses his leg to yank out the chair across from me and sits down in it.  
“I thought I was allowed some freedom from the babysitting, since I’ve exhibited such good behavior?” I mutter, looking back down at the book, pretending to be engrossed by it.  
“I’m not here because of Xemnas.” He informs me. I feel his eyes on me and have to fight the shiver that it sends down my spine. He is not going to get me squirming this easily.   
“Mmmhmm, cuz you’re not all his puppets.” Or employees, or minions.  
“See, the thing is, Princess, I’m no one’s puppet. Got it memorized?” He asks and taps his index finger to my temple. My eyes dart up and I slam my book shut, setting it on the table.  
“Do you try to get a reaction out of everyone that wanders into this world?”  
“See, the thing is, Rueks—”  
“Don’t call me that.”  
“The thing is, you are the only one who has just wandered into our world. This is an in between world, you can’t get here unless you’re trying, or someone is trying to make you. So who’d you piss off that put a curse on your ship?” He asks, lifting an eyebrow, still staring at me, eyes blazing.  
“I already told you all, it’s not my ship. Some traveler passing through crashed it.” I say, vowing to keep Sora’s name out of this. They don’t need to hear anything about the Keyblade master’s existence, as self proclaimed bad guys, they’ve lost that right. Especially with the arrival of that Roxas kid leaving me confused and unnerved.  
“Mmhmm.” He leers. “Just some random traveler?”  
“Yup.”  
“You know, I don’t really buy that.” He tells me. I shrug.  
“Your wise and powerful leader seemed to.” I remind him. He snorts.  
“You’re pretty cute, but you could do without the attitude, Rueks.” He leans forward a little and I can feel his knee press between mine. He pushes in hard and my knees buckle leaving just enough room for his leg to rest between my thighs. I feel like I may combust  
“Welp, cute has never been my strong suit.” I sputter, forcing myself to look away from him.   
“I know you.” He tells me again. “You can’t be from Transmute City.”  
“I can synthesize a Firestorm for you and then we can debate that, if you’d like.” I grumble, still flustered.   
“So hostile.” With the flick of his wrist, a tiny flames erupt from his fingertips, catching my gaze, soft and controlled before he flicks his wrist again and extinguishes them. “Number Eight, the Flurry of Dancing Flames. You’d have more luck synthesizing a Flash Flood, Rueks.”  
“Dancing Flames, huh? That’s a really cute nickname, you should tell everyone about it.” I nod, thankful that I’ve already seen Demyx’s elemental display so Axel’s doesn’t completely throw me off guard. He’s smirking at me, despite my teasing and I shift my weight, uncomfortably. “Well Dancing Flames, I can tell you that I’ve never met you. Unless you’re a really forgettable lay.” I look up at him, drumming my fingers on the table.  
“Oh, I promise, if I slept with you, you’d remember.” There’s another backflip, this time it’s my poor heart. “Really, your entire life, you lived in Transmute City?”  
“As far back as I can remember.” He doesn’t need to know that there’s a bit of a shortage in my childhood memories. Still, I doubt he’d recognize me if he knew me before the age of nine. Axel leans forward a little and starts drawing circles on the back of my hand with his finger.  
“Still, you wouldn’t have ended up in this world as a trick of fate. You have to be something special to have gotten here.” He insists, looking up at me through heavy lashes. I jerk my hand away to rest it under my chin. He smirks immediately. Bastard. I’ve never felt so hungry for someone in my life. Not Del, definitely not Del.   
“I crash landed, you don’t get more of a coincidence than that.” I breathe, feeling a bit dizzy. I draw my mouth into a straight line, trying to compose myself a little better. This dude is just fucking with me, I cannot let him get to me.  
“Oh I don’t believe in coincidences. That string of fate ties us together all together a little too tightly.” He informs me.  
“Well, to that, I would say you’re at the very least, a little naïve.”   
“Well what if I called you a cynic?” He asks and I smile a little.  
“I’d call that a compliment. I don’t want anyone to accuse me of being dumb enough to have the wool pulled over my eyes.” He’s making it hard to focus with the way he’s shoving his leg further between mine. I feel what must be the sole of his boot slide up my high dangerously high.   
“So you’d rather do the wool pulling?” He asks.  
“If the options are screw or get screwed, I’d happily do the screwing.” I swallow, trying to keep my breath from hitching as I feel his heel press against my—  
Fuck.  
“Oh, I’m right there with you, Rueks.” He leans all the way across the table, close enough that all I have to do is breathe a little too heavy and our lips will touch. The pressure of his heel between my legs makes my limbs tingle. I chomp down on my lower lip as he grasps my chin in his hand. My hand falls down to the table as he tilts my face so that my eyes meet his.  
“You really want a reaction out of me, don’t you?” I ask. “Or are you always this much of a slut?” He snickers a little but drops his foot back down under the table and I blink, probably comically, tying to clear my head. I feel like I can finally see straight again.  
“You wouldn’t know, would you? You know, babysitting the new recruits is usually my job. Damn shame we didn’t get paired together.” He tells me.  
“Well, I’m not a new recruit. I’m a prisoner for some reason. Besides, you’re busy with Roxas, aren’t you?” I ask. He snickers.  
“Eh, the kid is barely even coherent yet. Everyone starts off that way here.” He says, which makes absolutely zero sense, but I already feel like I am coming off as too interested, he doesn’t need to get the wrong idea. “And I’ve babysat more than one newbie at a time before. So what’s so special about you that needs to be kept so far from me?” He asks. I roll my eyes.  
“Absolutely nothing. I’m sure it’s not a personal attack.” What a fucking diva.   
“I don’t believe in coincidences.” He reminds me. I smile but roll my eyes, just so he doesn’t pay too much thought to the smile.  
“Okay, well this has been fun, but I think my babysitters will miss me too much if I’m gone much longer.” I say, pushing my chair away from the table.  
“And no kiss goodbye for me?’ He teases, smirking at me. I have to bite my lip to stop from smiling, as I stride away but he certainly picks up on my emotions. “Are you enjoying yourself, Rueks?” He raises an eyebrow. I turn pointedly away from him to set my book up on the shelf. I lean up on my toes and before I can push it onto the shelf, he is behind me, sliding the book up for me, hips pressed against my ass.  
“I’ll never admit it.” I tell him. I spin around and am nose to nose with him, our hips still touching.  
“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” He breathes, and I feel his words tingle all he way down to my toes.  
“You gonna let me go?” I ask though I’m praying he’ll hold me captive. I feel a heat spreading up between my legs and damn no one has made me feel this way before. Axel pushes his hips down further into mine, grinding them—hard. “Oh.” I choke out. Gripping the back of the book shelf desperately.  
“Do you want me to?” He asks me, raising an eyebrow. He takes my hand from the book shelf, in his, and guides it up to he zipper of his robe. I can’t help myself. I tear the zipper as far down his chest as my hands can move without breaking contact and then throw my torso into his. I crush my lips so hard against his that our teeth click. He growls, and sucks my bottom lip into his mouth. I whine, feeling his tongue slide against my mouth and then back inside. I feel drunk and desperate when Axel pulls away from me, his forehead pressed to mine. “Do you want me to?” He whispers, this time asking a completely different question. But our lips are so close, I’m inhaling his exhale, I don’t even know how to respond. But I know what I want, and it’s not even a want anymore. I fucking need him.  
“Don’t stop.” I beg. He doesn’t. Instead, he grabs the top of my thighs, surprisingly strong for how skinny he is, and picks me up, spinning me around and laying me on the table. It’s tiny and the wood is pressing against my lower back in the least comfortable way ever, but I am past the point of caring. I unbutton my pants as Axel yanks the zipper of his coat down and tosses it to the ground. I kick my boots and shots off in one go. His eyes meet mind and my breath hitches.  
“Damn.” He inhales sharply and dives in on me. His mouth smashes into mine and I wrap my legs around him. He stumbles a bit and I can feel his cock pressing into me, hot and hard with only the thin fabric of my panties between us. My nails bite into his bare back and I feel his muscles moving as he stabilizes himself. He sets one hand on the table and drives one in between us to push my panties aside. An ungloved finger—when did he take those off—slips into me, thick, calloused and so very warm. I grunt as Axel’s mouth pulls away from mine, only so that he can be far enough away to watch me. I squirm at the feeling of his eyes on me, I turn my head aside and bite my lip.  
“Just fuck me.” I whine and he snickers, I feel his thumb press into my clit and my hips buck fiercely, embarrassingly.   
“All in good time, Rueks. Got it memorized?” He all but laughs at me, and I decide I like him better when he isn’t talking. I wrap my hands around his shoulders, pushing him down so his lips are against mine. His tongue rolls into mine, filling my mouth deliciously, satisfyingly. His fingers slide out of me and, slickened by my wetness, he rubs them in lazy, tantalizing circles around my clit, but never touches it.   
I sigh against his mouth as his pace picks up, rubbing me until I am just on the verge, before his fingers dart between the swollen lips of my cunt. He wets his fingers again inside of me and this time, when he darts out, he flicks his fingers over my clit.  
“Axel, fucking hell.” I pant, unsure of when his mouth left mine, but I’m too far gone to care. He grazes my clit a little more with the delicious, calloused pads of his fingers and I come undone with a cry, my hips jerking into his hand. He keeps his finger pressed to me but doesn’t move it as I ride out my orgasm, and slowly, the world begins spinning on it’s proper axis once more. Finally meeting his gaze I catch my breath and watch him smirk at me. Fucking smug bastard. I feel so exposed to him and I don’t even know this man. How the hell has a complete stranger caused me to come apart so quickly?   
He's just hot. He’s sexy as fuck and I am coming out of a breakup with someone who bored me to tears. This is normal, totally something to be expected from an eighteen year old.  
Teasingly slow, he slides down his pants and boxers, springing free and I take a good long—and thick—look at him. I have to bite my lips to keep from moaning.  
“Please.” I breathe, hating myself for being such a slave to my hormones, hating myself for being such a slave to him right now. But he obliges, pushing my panties even further aside as he sinks into me. And I don’t think anything of the hate.  
Because I love this.  
Axel’s hips still for a second as he takes a harsh, deep breath, rolling his shoulders back. He looks down at me and leans in just long enough to bite lightly on my lower lip, before his hips snap into mine.   
I lean up, watching him fuck me, watching his cock disappear into me, our foreheads pressed together. It’s only a matter of minutes with this delectable sight in front of me and my recent orgasm, before I become a moaning, spluttering mess. He’s groaning and it’s a jumbled disarray, but somewhere in it I hear my name and a series of curse words. He thrusts a few more times, grasping my hips with the hand not supporting his weight. I feel a heat, a burning sensation coming from his fingers as his self-control splinters and he comes, with the violent thrust of his hips, inside of me.   
He stills in me and drops down to his elbows, feeling like he is about a thousand degrees and I wince a little, the pain in my hip suddenly unbearable. He removes his hand from my skin and I look down to see redness, in the shape of his fingertips, against me.   
“What the hell?” I ask. His face twists a bit and all it takes is one look for me to tell he’s just as confused as me.  
“I don’t know that’s never happened.” He confesses, but I can tell there’s something he isn’t telling me, which is fair. He met me less than an hour ago and I let him fuck me on the table in the library, he doesn’t owe me anything. I push myself up and he slides up and out of me, along with the mess we’ve made. I quickly pull my underwear and shorts back up, still half lying on the table as he pulls his jeans up. We are silent as we both redress, but my heart is still hammering in my chest. Everything happened so quickly, I can barely wrap my head around it, and while it was admittedly, a very stupid choice to fuck a strange man in a strange new world, I did want it.  
I definitely wanted it. And I want it again.  
“Demyx is gonna come looking for me if I’m gone too much longer.” I say once I am standing and my shoes are back on. Axel snickers a bit.  
“Wouldn’t want to give our beloved Nocturne a heart attack, catching us in the act, now would we?” He asks.  
“Aparently we wouldn’t be the first he’s caught in here.” I shrug. Axel turns to look at me, mouth tilted upward in the slightest of smiles.  
“All that funny business that you instigated, aside, I do know you, Rueki.” He says and I roll my eyes.  
“Of course, that was all me. I’m the mustache twirling villain, stealing your virtue, says the blonde girl to the scary man in black.”   
“Give it a months time and I’ll be able to tell you where I know you from, alright?” He asks, looking at me, deadly serious.  
“Sure, I’ve got it memorized.” He doesn’t know me from somewhere, but if that’s the excuse he wants to use to keep fucking me like that, I won’t complain. He chuckles and walks past me, ruffling my hair as he does.  
“Good girl.” He’s out of the room and I have to force myself to stop from staring after him.


	5. Chapter 5

V.  
It’s raining in the World That Never Was. It’s always raining. It spews from the sky, chilly, but not frigid. Not the way it was in Transmute City, though I’m not sure it could be worse than that. Standing, beneath a skyscraper, with my palms open, I stare at the sky, eyes narrowed.  
“Demyx?” I call over the storm. I hear him grunt and the sound of his sitar smashing into something.  
“Whoa!” Jeez.  
“Demyx!” I call out, and I’m pretty sure he can’t hear me. Heaving a sigh, I peak around the corner of the building, only to see him using the water to his elemental advantage, drowning a heard of Heartless at the base of the building. Despite not being able to hear me, he can see me just fine.  
“Uh, don’t worry Rueki! I’ve got this under control.” He insists, using his full weight to smash his sitar into the heartless. I duck back behind the building.  
“I don’t understand why I need to be here then!” I shout at him, as loud as I can.   
“Can’t hear you! Sorry!” He huffs back as he, I assume, fights more Heartless. I roll my eyes and heave a sigh, sliding down the building, folding my knees to my chest.   
We’ve been out here for hours. Apparently I was gone ‘too long’ at the library, three days ago, so my round the clock babysitting has of course, resumed. That’s what I get for having reckless sex, I suppose.  
My hair hangs completely limp against me, I keep having to push my bangs out of my mouth. Demyx says this is the most he’s ever been stuck on Heartless cleanup duty. I’m beginning to wonder if this is a personal attack.  
“It’s cold can I go inside?” I shout, peaking my head around to see more Heartless forming.  
“Kinda busy right now, Rueki.” He reminds me.  
“You know, I can help you get this done in half the time!” I insist.  
“Oh no, the Superior will have my head!” Oh, so he can ‘hear’ me now? I watch him stomp his foot to the ground and water shoots out of the pavement in a spike, taking out a group of Heartless. Still, it doesn’t seem to matter how many he kills off, for every one he kills, two more come to take its place. I grab the hem of my shirt and twist it, ringing some of the water out of it. Despite my offer to help Demyx, I still don’t have my claw back, I’d be completely useless in a fight, though I’m not so much desperate for my weapon right now as I am an umbrella. Sighing, I pinch my eyes shut and rest my head on my knees.   
“You looking to imitate a drowned rat, or is that just a lovely little coincidence?” I know the voice. My stomach twists and I look up, snapping my neck to look at him.  
“Are you following me?” I shout, squinting as I cover my eyes to block out the rain. Axel crouches over, hood up, but not hanging so low that I cannot see his face. He squats down so that we’re at eye level.  
“You can’t call it ‘following’ when it’s purely coincidental, Rueks.” He winks at me. I roll my eyes.  
“What ever happened to not believing in coincidences?” I ask. He snickers.  
“Good memory. Well, maybe fate has us bound together. We’ll be forced to keep running into each other, forever. Besides, I waited the three day rule before coming to call on you, what more can you ask for?” He shrugs. “So Demyx still hasn’t finished with Heartless patrol?” He raises an eyebrow.  
“More keep showing up and he insists he’ll be in trouble if I help him.” I say.  
“What a true gentleman, keeping the lady safe from the dirty work. Can’t say I’d do the same, myself.” He tells me. Somehow, this doesn’t surprise me.  
“I think it’s a little more self preservation than it is chivalry.” I remind him.  
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I might have your ticket out of this lovely monsoon we’re having.” He makes a gesture, flicking his wrist at the sky.   
“Did you bring me an umbrella and a dry change of clothes?” I raise an eyebrow.  
“Sorry Princess, can’t help you there.” He says. “But I can get you back into the Castle.” He’s looking me over in a way that makes me shiver, and not from the cold. I have no right to be nervous around him, I remind myself. Not after the other day in the library. Not when he’s seen me naked. “Not for anything fun, get your mind outta the gutter.” He says and I have to force myself to look away from him to hide the embarrassment on my face. I know I’m not good at hiding things but I didn’t realize I was that transparent.  
“Your mind’s in the gutter.” Wow. For how clever I was the other day, apparently my mind has resorted to being as crafty as an eight year old. Axel reaches a hand out and helps me to my feet. “Has my leash been loosened again? Is that why I’m allowed back inside?”   
“Of course not, that’d be too nice. I heard you were a very bad girl, breaking all the rules, wasting hours and hours in the library. Such a hooligan.” He teases. I roll my eyes. “Nah, in fact the only reason you can come back inside is because of Demyx. The Superior has called a meeting. Wouldn’t be the same without our friendly neighborhood Nocturne.” He nods his head at the corner of the building. I sigh.  
“Demyx!” I shout.  
“Rueki, I’m busy!” He whines. Axel leans across me to poke his head around.  
“Too busy for a meeting, Dem? I think on a scale of 1-10, Xemnas’ll give that that excuse a negative 9, don’tcha think?” He asks. Suddenly, Demyx looks alert and wide eyed. He takes a swing at some of the Heartless and curses.  
“I’m coming, I promise!” He shouts, taking another swing as he makes his way over.  
“Hmm, something you two have in common.” Axel says, in a low voice, and I reach over and punch him. “Damn, temper, temper, Rueks. And here I was, thinking we were friends. You’re breakin’ my heart.” He pouts, looking at me with puppy dog eyes, right as Demyx appears, panting.   
“He called a meeting? Now?” Demyx whines. “Didn’t we just have one when Roxas got here?” He asks.  
“It’s been a week.” Axel reminds him.  
“And since I got here it’s been three weeks, six days, five hours and thirty minutes. But who’s counting?” I flash a sicky sweet smile. I don’t actually know that those are the exact hours and minutes that I’ve been here, but it certainly adds a dramatic flair to my statement.  
“Certainly not our resident drowned rat?” Axel ruffles my wet hair, which is lovely, I know it’s going to be a delightfully tangled mess by time I get around to brush it. With the swish of his hand, Axel summons a dark portal and sweeps down into a bow. “Ladies first.” He says, and I go to take a step, when Demyx nudges me aside.  
“He means me. He always means me. He thinks he’s funny.” I didn’t need the water elemental to tell me that.  
The portal opens up outside of the meeting room of the castle, where I plop down on the ground.   
“I see you saved her just before she could drown.” An English accent sounds off, and I flash Luxord a pathetic smile.   
“Barely.” I say. He snorts a little as he files into the room, Xigbar at his heels.  
“Uggh, c’mon, we might as well get this over with.” Demyx grumbles.  
“Then can I dry off?” I whine.  
“Then you can dry off.” Demyx nods.   
“You’re not wet.” I observe, noticing for the first time that he is the only one of the three of us that were outside that was spared from the rain. He grins.  
“I’m a water elemental Rueki, remember? I can’t get wet unless I want to.” He says proudly.  
“Lucky bastard.” I curl my knees to my chest, sitting on the floor beside his chair as the rest of the members file in.  
“Good tidings, friends.” Xemnas greets us as he gets into his chair. “Today is a momentous day. I am pleased to announce that a new comrade has been chosen to wear the coat. Number XIV, Xion. Let us all welcome one of the Keyblade’s chosen.” One of? I whip my head around, looking to Roxas—the one who looks like Sora. He is about as animated as a corpse, his pretty eyes glazed over with absolutely zero acknowledgement of me or the fact that this girl—and I only know she’s a girl because of her figure, she’s clearly a girl in her early teens, but her hood is up—is a Keyblade wielder. Does this mean that maybe Sora is still alive? I almost breathe a sigh of relief. Shit, maybe Sora will crash into this world and rescue me from my captors…  
Ha, yeah right. Ew, how tragic would that be? Rescued by some teenage boy?  
“We also have come to a decision, regarding our guest.” Xemnas looks to me and I nod at him, trying to look dignified despite being soaked still. “From this day forward, Rueki, you will act as an assistant to the members of this organization.”  
“So does that mean I get to fetch coffee? Oh joy.” I say flatly, rolling my eyes. “I want to get the hell outta here.”  
“If you still believe that you will be allowed to leave, you’re more foolish than I thought.” Saix’s voice cuts into me and my hands ball into tight fists, fingernails biting into my palms to relieve some tension. I can’t find my words and I look away, defeated.   
“As I said, you will be treated as an assistant, you will be assigned missions for you to complete alongside another member.” Xemnas says.  
“Isn’t that what I’ve already been doing?” I ask.  
“You have been a tagalong during missions, but without a weapon, you are more a hinderance than a help.” I could’ve told him that. I just roll my eyes. “And while our Melodious Nocturne has been perfectly competent at keeping you in line, you cannot fulfill your true potential as his assistant.”  
“This is true.” Demyx agrees and I glare at him.  
“Demyx is fine to work with, we completed that mission with the wizard’s book together.” I remind him.   
“That mission was barely above an entry level task. It is not up to you to decide whether a member is competent enough to train you or barely competent enough to tie his shoes.” Saix snaps at me. My eyes dart from him to Xemnas who is just smirking, content to let his guard dog do the dirty work.   
“Axel.” Xemnas looks to the redhaired man and my stomach drops. Damn. “You will be taking on the task of mentoring both Rueki and Roxas.”  
“So we’re not playing keep away with the new girl after all?” Axel chuckles. “Why now though? Why the two of them?  
“Rueki knows what it’s like to work in tandem with a Keybearer, she’ll be an aid to you in teaching Roxas. Isn’t that right Rueki?” Xemnas asks and my insides freeze. How can he know? He can’t know.  
“I’m not sure what you’re..”  
“Was that not the Keyblade master’s ship that you crashed into our world?” Dammit.   
“I dunno who it was, it was just some kid, like I said, he didn’t stay long.” I lie and Xemnas chuckles, a low, menacing sound.  
“Didn’t stay long? He must’ve found the Keyhole in Transmute City very quickly then, and sealed it up. What luck you and your friends at the Gummi Repair Shop must’ve had.” They did research on me, of course they did. Damn, damn, damn. “Of course, if you don’t remember any of this, we could easily go and ask your friends? Perhaps Delfinius and Amaya have a better memory than you?”   
“No, it’s fine.” I say quickly. “I can help Roxas, Axel can help me, this will be a good team.” Whether Del or Amaya betrayed me or did me an honest to goodness favor, forcing my hand, it doesn’t matter. I look at Saix and I know that I would never wish either of those two the kind of ill will I’m sure he could inflict.   
I’m not allowed another word until after the meeting.  
Instead, I spend the rest of the meeting, trying to comb through my tangled mush of hair with my fingers, a knee curled to my chest. My eyes flick up to where Axel sits and my stomach backflips when I catch him staring back at me. I have the good sense to look away but I still feel his eyes searing into me.  
“Consider the rest of today a reprieve. Your missions will resume in the morning.” Xemnas says, but I don’t rise. Instead, I pretend to be very busy with my hair, even as Demyx clambers down from his throne.  
“Well, Rueki, it’s been fun and all…” He stretches his arms over his head and I can hear the popping of his joints.  
“Oh fuck off.” I roll my eyes and he laughs.  
“Listen, Axel’s not that bad, in fact, you could do a lot worse than assisting him.” Demyx tells me and truth be told, I know he’s not all that bad. But I don’t trust myself not to get up to something bad with him. At close quarters, with him watching over me constantly…  
My skin feels hot.  
“But I don’t want to be anyone’s assistant. I want to get in a Gummi Ship and get the hell out of here.” I remind him. And then, on a lighter note. “Besides, now who is going to play music for me?” I quirk an eyebrow and Demyx laughs.  
“Well, you’re outta luck there. But hey, if Axel ever wants to play cards with you, you’ll probably win!” He reminds me and I bite back a smirk.  
“Still itching to get out of those clothes, Rueks?” I hear his voice behind me before I even see him and the hairs on my arms stand up straight. I turn to Axel and offer him a look that ‘politely encourages’ him to shut the fuck up, and then back to Demyx, who is, to my surprise, not phased in the slightest. I stare at Axel over my shoulder, watching as his lips curl into a smirk. “You were complaining about being soaked from the rain, you wanted to put on some dry clothes? Ring a bell or are you as much of a zombie as this one?” He juts a thumb out to point at Roxas, who has appeared beside him, looking silent and dazed and... yeah, a lot like a zombie.   
“Um, right, yeah, of course.” I still cross my arms to my chest. “I guess I’ll see you around.” I say to Demyx who offers me a goofy smile.  
“Definitely.” And with that he leaves me and I am forced to finally turn to Axel completely. I stare down at my feet, my finger nails, anything to avoid his gaze.   
“Am I still staying in the same room?” I ask.  
“Yup.”  
“So I won’t be needing any help getting there, have a great day and I’ll see you for our mission in the morning.” I am able to take one step before he grabs me by the top of my arm, holding me in place. I scrunch my face up.  
“So you have dry change of clothes in your room? Or just a serious desire to get pneumonia?” He raises an eyebrow at me as I meet his gaze over my shoulder.  
“It’s very sweet of you to care.” I roll my eyes and he grins.  
“I need you in tip top shape for tomorrows mission, got it memorized?” He asks. “Same goes to you, Roxas. Why don’t you head to your room, I’ll take care of Crazy here.” He points at me with his free hand, I pout and Roxas somehow manages to look even more confused.  
“But…I thought her name was Rueki?” He asks. Okay, there is no way this kid is Sora, he wasn’t this much of a space case…A clone maybe? A poorly reconstructed one, but it’s the only thing that makes sense in my head. I’d rather not have to ask Axel any information, something tells me that would put me in the position of owing him a favor and that is not a position I wanna be in.  
I’m such a liar.  
“It’s a nickname, kid.” Axel tells him. Roxas scrunches up his face.  
“Nick. Name.” The two words come out with an aura of grace one could only get with a clump of peanut butter stuck to the roof of their mouth.  
“Anyway, why don’t you call it a day?” Axel asks and Roxas nods.  
“Yeah.” Is all he says before he leaves the two of us without so much as a goodbye. I look at Axel, who releases my arm from his grasp.  
“C’mon, I’ve got a couple extra coats you can change into while your clothes dry.” He offers and finally, I resolve to follow him. We head to his room, which is across the hall from Demyx’s, right next to Luxords, and I piece together in my mind that the room assignments must have something to do with the numbers they were assigned. With the door safely shut behind us, he is, pleasantly normal. Not teasing or obnoxious, the way he was with plenty of prying eyes on us. He starts over to a closet at one end of the room and begins rummaging.   
The room is well, just like mine. Just like Demyx’s, with a few personal touches. There’s a popsicle stick with the word ‘winner’ etched across it on a plain, white dresser, way too many pairs of black socks scattered across the floor, and it smells vaguely of campfire, which is actually incredibly appealing.   
It's the same way he smells.  
“Don’t mind Roxas too much.” He tells me. “Everyone is kinda like that when we get here, until we get our memories back that is.” He says it with so much ease, that I don’t even want to ask him what he means by that. Even though he makes no sense. What the hell, what kind of memories is he missing?  
Is he like me?  
“Luxord told me, by the way. About you, just waking up in Transmute City nine years ago, no memories, just your name.” He tells me and I color. “Kinda the same circumstances with Roxas. I’m sure you know how it goes.” He says. I tuck my wet hair behind my ear, suddenly feeling very exposed. I’m certain he can’t read my mind, but it sure as hell unnerves all the same.  
“Were you asking about me or something?” I mutter and Axel appears at my side, a fresh, dry coat at hand. I take it from him and resist the urge to bury my face in it. I wonder if it smells like him?  
“On occasion, Luxord and I have been known to exchange information for favors.” He tells me and I scoff.  
“What kind of favor did you have to trade?”  
He leers at me and leans in. I want nothing more than to close the distance between us.  
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He teases.  
“Yep, that’s why I asked.” I deadpan and he chuckles, pulling away from me.  
“Well, I’ll tell you this, it wasn’t worth the information I got on you, that’s for sure. Sorry about your boyfriend though.” He tells me and I color even deeper.  
“Fuck, does everyone know now?” I grumble and he chuckles.  
“Nah, just me and your little friends. And only cuz I’m a nosey fucker and Luxord likes to make a habit of people owing him.” He taps my nose.  
“I mean, it’s not like I’m really that upset, I just wanted to get away from my world, and now people are gonna make assumptions—”  
“Calm down, Rueks, no one’s gonna fault you for having a heart.” He winks. I pout.  
“One, didn’t I already tell you not to call me that?” I ask. He shrugs. “And two, who’s to say I even have a heart? I might be the coldest bitch you know.” Del certainly seemed to think I was. And it’s not like it actually matters if Axel thinks I’m still grieving my ex or not, but still, there’s a part of me that wants him to know that I’m most definitely not.  
Suddenly, Axel howls out laughing, doubling over, wheezing, holding his stomach as though I have told the funniest joke ever. This take a whole three minutes—I know, I count—before he settles down into some semblance of normal and he comes back to a standing position, tossing his head back.  
“Oh, Rueks,” he chuckles. “If you didn’t have a heart, we’d know by now.”   
That’s the only explanation he offers me.  
I look over the coat in my hand and heave a sigh, looking very pointedly at him.  
“Use your words, sweetheart.” I could hit him. I could hit him and it would be incredibly satisfying.  
“Could I maybe get some privacy?” I ask and he lifts an eyebrow. It actually takes a minute for him to process what I said.  
“I’m sorry, did you fall asleep for the part where I’ve definitely already seen you mostly naked?” He asks and then chuckles. “Wait, you couldn’t have, because it was fantastic.” I scoff.  
“I don’t really think you’re the one that gets to decide that, now look away please.”   
To his credit, Axel, does throw himself across the bed and covers his eyes with his forearm. He looks very appealing, in that position, I think, despite myself.   
I peel out of my wet clothes and the sound of them hitting the floor is beyond satisfying. I leave everything at the floor of Axel’s bed as I zip myself into his coat. Its far too big length wise, but thank goodness for my giant hips, which pull the leather taught.   
“You know, I don’t normally make a habit out of sleeping with strangers.” I say. “You caught me in a rare mood.  
“Well that’s a damn shame, you’d be a hell of a lot more popular around here if you did sleep with random strangers. I’m firmly convinced that all Saix needs is a good lay to turn his frown upside down.” He replies, arm still over his eyes, which is good, cuz he doesn’t see the face that I make.  
“That’s gonna be a hard pass on my end, but thanks for pimping me out to your coworker.” I throw myself across the bed on my stomach, landing next to him. He removes his arm from his eyes and props himself on his elbows, so he can look down at me. “Seriously though, this isn’t gonna be like…a thing. Like I’m not looking for…what we did was fun and all…”  
“Don’t strain yourself.” Axel scoffs.   
“I just don’t need anyone thinking we’re together.” I insist. “Cuz we’re not, you are an irritating creature. And probably stalking me.” He laughs as he takes a strand of my damp hair between his fingers.  
“Did you enjoy yourself?” He asks me and I chew my lip, looking down at the white comforter.  
“I mean, obviously.”  
“Was it better than it was with your boyfriend?”  
“What the hell kinda question is that?” I stare up at him, wild eyed, and he’s grinning, very obviously trying to make me uncomfortable, and it definitely worked.  
“And that was all the answer I needed.” He winks. I take my stand of hair away from them.  
“I mean, I don’t really see how it affects the conversation we were just having.” I mutter. In a series of very fluid movements, he wraps an arm around my waist, turns on his side and pulls me in so that our torsos are touching. My heart skips a beat. He’s obnoxious, but he’s fucking beautiful.  
“I don’t wanna be your boyfriend, Rueks, does that make your precious little heart feel better?” His words say one thing, but he starts caressing my hip.   
“I’m not stupid, Axel, that little ‘I know you from somewhere’ line is like the oldest line in the book.” I remind him.  
“See the thing is, I do actually know you. Which was why I asked Luxord about you. You’ve got a huge gap in your memory Rueki. How old were you when you woke up in Transmute City?” He asks. I chew at my lip, trying not to meet his eyes, but it’s hard at this proximity.  
“Nine.” I tell him.  
“So you’ve got nine years worth of nothing.”   
“But if I actually knew you, don’t you think seeing you would’ve jogged something? Or anyone from my past, for that matter. My world gets a lot of travelers and I have no recollection of anyone I’ve ever met from my past. For all I know, I was created in a lab somewhere.” I offer and he snorts.  
“That’s all good and dandy and everything, but can’t you maybe concede that I might be at least be a little bit right? See, I’ve got most of my memories still in tact.” He taps his finger against his temple. I pout.  
“I dunno, I really don’t like being wrong, and since I already told you that you were wrong, I can’t let you be right.” I remind him. He snickers.  
“And that, Rueks, is one of the many reasons that despite this,” He gestures to how the two of us are lying, chest to chest. “I am never going to be your boyfriend, got it memorized?” He asks me. I blink.  
“Are you saying I’d be a bad girlfriend?”  
“I’m saying you don’t have to worry at all about me falling for you. I promise.” And for some reason, I don’t like hearing this out of his mouth.   
“Oh sure. You’re so immune to my charms, that’s why you’re following me and whispering innuendoes in my ear every chance you get.” I accuse, my tone growing more hostile than I necessarily mean for it to. He laughs a bit and I really don’t like that.  
“Maybe I just really liked fucking you the one time?” He offers.  
“So you bring me into your room, don’t even get to see me naked, then hold me close in bed all just because you wanted to fuck me?” I raise an eyebrow and he grins, nudging my jaw with the tip of his nose, pressing his mouth against my neck.  
“Do you need me to prove it to you?” He murmurs against my skin, to my own dismay, a sigh escapes from my parted lips. He takes advantage of this and pulls me in, grabbing a handful of my ass, nipping the skin of my neck. I slide my hands into his hair, pulling him away from my throat so that I can press my lips to his. His teeth graze my bottom lip, which parts oh so easily for him. I feel his tongue flick against mine.   
“We’re not together.” I breathe between kisses.  
“Definitely not.” He agrees and starts nipping down my neck again.   
“But we can do this from time to time.” I concede and feel him smirk into my skin.  
“Whenever your pretty little heart desires, Rueks.” His hands slide the zipper of the coat I am wearing down and his teeth mash down onto my collar bone. I see white for a minute, the cry that escapes my lips is anything but subtle.  
“You suck.” I hiss and he comes back up to meet my eyes, pressing his nose to mine.  
“Or you can.” He winks, with absolutely zero grace.  
Apparently, that’s all the invitation I need.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my birthday is Sunday and I'm gonna be hella busy this weekend, so lucky you, you guys get two more chapters, a few days early.  
> Leave me nice reviews as my birthday present, I'm getting old

VI.  
I don’t stay the night with Axel, despite being in his bed until the wee hours of the morning. I don’t let him walk me back to my room, even though I take his coat with me and when he comes to call on me at six in the morning. I don’t even invite him into my bed with me, despite not wanting to move at all.  
“Wakey, wakey.” He gives me a sharp nudge, my shoulder in his hand and I reach across to swat him. He’s got quick reflexes though and I am groggy, he catches my wrist in his hand with zero issue. “Mind your manners, Rueks.” He scolds. I can practically imagine him wagging his finger. I roll over, breaking my wrist free from his grip.  
“It’s too early for manners.” I mutter. He laughs, I peak one eye open, to see him holding my dry clothes in a pile in his arms. He looks wide awake, perfectly refreshed, as though he didn’t stay up til the crack of dawn fucking me like an animal.  
“Someone’s cranky.” He teases, but tosses the heap of my clothing, shoes and all, directly onto me.  
“Yeah, cuz some annoying pain in my ass kept me up all night.” I grumble.  
“Remind me never to let you sleep in my bed. You’re a real asshole first thing in the morning.” He chuckles.  
“Yeah, well you’re always an asshole.” I mutter. I don’t necessarily know if it’s true, being that I’ve only spent uninterrupted time with him twice, but I do like the way it sounds. He takes a moment to consider this statement, then nods.  
“Touche.” He turns on his heel. “We’ve gotta be gone in about fifteen minutes, hope you can shower quickly.” He tells me. I groan and even though I know the time limit I have, I wait until he is out the door to even crawl my ass out of bed, just to spite him. Once I hear the door shut safely behind him, I bolt out of bed, into the bathroom attached to my room and turn on the water. I climb out of Axel’s coat and into the water before it can even heat up, but as quickly as I can, I shower. I even make an effort to wash and condition my hair, which is a mess after the rain and then spending the rest of the afternoon in Axel’s bed yesterday. I rake through it, wincing with every knot that comes undone, dress and am out of my room, sprinting down the hall, when it dawns on me that I have no idea where to meet Axel and Roxas.  
“Fuck.” I grumble as I round a corner and smack directly into someone. “Roxas!” My eyes light up and I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see anyone in my life.   
“Crazy.” He greets me with the smallest of nods. I kind of want to bury my head in a hole.  
“No, no, Axel was just being dumb yesterday, you were right. I’m Rueki.” I tell him. He narrows his eyes, processing this and nods. “Axel said we’re supposed to meet up before the mission.” I say.  
“Yeah.” He agrees, but doesn’t offer anything else.  
“Sooo, you wanna lead the way to where we’re supposed to meet?” I lift an eyebrow.  
“Okay.” He says, without even having the good sense to look embarrassed for not picking up what I was putting down. I remember what Axel said yesterday about not having any memories and I purse my lips as Roxas starts to walk. I follow him down the hall. Was I this spacey when Del and Amaya first found me? I don’t remember being in that much of a haze, but to be honest, if I were, I probably wouldn’t remember that. I want to ask him if the name Sora means anything to him, but I resolve to keep my mouth shut until he starts to act like an actual human being and not a puppet. He leads me down a series of halls and into a –surprise, surprise—white room. A lounge of sorts with white leather couches and a white circular rug. Axel is sitting on the end of one couch, in some sort of intense conversation with Saix. When the latter man hears us enter the room, his gaze flicks away from Axel and over to the two of us. And I swear I see hate in his eyes as they look me over. I stop in my tracks, but Roxas doesn’t, he just traipses right on over and stands next to where the older men are talking. They instantly stop their dialogue to look at him and then, Axel looks over his shoulder, cracking a smile at me.  
“You look like shit.” He tells me, and while this is fair and very true, I make a mental note to definitely not suck his dick again in the near future.  
“Mmm, I’ll get that one memorized.” I offer him a very petty, fake smile. For a moment, the smirk on his face almost looks like a genuine smile. He pushes himself up off the couch.   
“Well, anything else our wise and powerful leader wants us to know before we take off?” Axel looks to Saix, who simply ‘hmmph’s and creates a portal, leaving the room. Wow. Dick.  
“Is that normal or did that have something to do with me?” I ask. Axel doesn’t answer, instead he not so smoothly changes the topic.  
“I got you a present.” He says in a way that makes me think he expects me to be grateful.  
“Is it a new ship?” I ask. He snickers.   
“Close, but no cigar.” From a spot behind the couch, he produces a claw, and for a second I think it’s my Godhand, but upon closer inspection it definitely isn’t. Instead of being bulky, rusted and red, this is yellow and orange, light but sturdy looking, shiny, with spikes on the knuckles, good for hand to hand combat and alchemy. “It’s called Survivor, probably a little easier for you to lug around. And yeah, that was definitely a short joke.” His eyes light, like a candle flickering and my heart leaps. This might be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, with the exception of Del and Amaya taking me to the orphanage as kids. I look up to him, my face contorted, unsure of how to respond. I take a step forward and close one hand around the arm of the claw, my eyes meeting his.  
“Um…thank you.” I choke out, biting my lips. A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth and he shrugs.  
“Eh, whatever, I couldn’t have you hobbling around with that overweight antique if you’re on a mission with me. You can pull your own weight, got it memorized?” He asks and I nod.  
“Definitely.” I swallow. I take Survivor from him and slide my hand through the arm until I find a rod inside to hook my hand around. The arm of the claw is extra long and comes almost up to my shoulder, but it is definitely light weight, I’ll be able to move a lot faster with this. I take a swing as a test and love it instantly. “I don’t have any synthesis material.” I tell him and he snorts.  
“You ever check your pockets?” Sure enough, I pat the large side pocket attached to my belt and I can feel the weight of plenty of synthesis materials.   
“Axel…” I breathe his name, forgetting Roxas’ presence for a second.  
“C’mon Rueks, don’t make this weird. Like I said, I just need you to pull your own weight.” He insists and I nod. Right. This isn’t weird, we don’t even know each other, unlike what he seems to think. He’s someone I’m having casual sex with and now am working with. It only makes sense for him to help me with my work, it’s more pragmatic than it is kind.  
“Where are we going?” Roxas pipes up and Axel smiles a little, happy with the new distraction, and to be frank, so am I. This is way too many emotions coming my way with no rhyme or reason. How can I be feeling so much for a man who I have known so briefly, when watching Del and Amaya turning their backs on me didn’t even leave the slightest dent?  
“Some place called Oz. Scouting a potential to turn into a Nobody.” He says, and I blink a little, wondering vaguely if that’s how the Dusks or the Dancers I’ve seen with Demyx were created. From the potentials that Organization XIII scouts? And how does one even become a Nobody? A thousand questions race through my head, but one thought prevails stronger than others:  
I am going to a new World.  
This will mark four that I’ve seen. The thought leaves me almost giddy and I have to bite back a smile.  
“Do we know where to find this…potential?” I ask. Axel grins at me.  
“You bet. He’s the Wizard in charge of town. All we’ve gotta do is follow a yellow road, it’ll lead us straight to him.” He informs me, which seems terribly anticlimactic. And kind of silly.  
“Let’s go then, I wanna test this out!” I take a swipe with my claw and Axel starts to smile, another real smile. Oh dear, please, none of this. I need to push these weird feelings I’m having so far down that they lose oxygen and extinguish.  
“Sure thing, Rueks.” He winks. I glare.  
“Don’t call me that.  
“Because your name is Crazy?” Roxas asks. I shoot Axel the nastiest look I can muster, though he is visibly chomping down on his lip to keep from laughing.  
“Nope, Rueki is my name, I am Rueki, nothing else will be tolerated. Now are we going to just stand here or is someone going to open a portal?” I ask. Axel snickers, but with the wave of his hands, opens a portal and leads the way. Once again, I am thankful as soon as we have finished traveling the darkness and head out into the most delightfully colored sight I have ever seen.  
The air is warm, like a summer time I didn’t know could exist, delightful and dry. Flowers of every color—red, blue, violet, pink—bloom through fields on the right while corn and lush green grass cover the fields on the left, an abandoned Scarecrow post is at the forefront of the field. Sure enough, we are standing on a road made of yellow brick. I crouch down, skimming my hands across the brick, and upon closer inspection, the bricks appear to be flecked with gold.   
I don’t watch where Axel and Roxas are going, instead, I wander to the flowers, something about them calling me, but I feel Axel’s hands wrap around my arm, holding me steady.  
“I just want to smell the flowers.” I say. “I’ve never seen any bloom before, just pre cut ones that travelers bring into our world.” My voice comes out desperate and breathy and Axel literally spins me around with one hand to face him. It is now that I notice he’s got a hand holding onto Roxas’ hood.  
“Not in this world, Rueks. You’re gonna find out a lot of this world is made to lure you in, all bright and beautiful, but deadly. Those flowers for instance, are poppies. One whiff of them and you’ll fall into a deep sleep.” He warns me. I blink, and it’s almost like a spell has been broken. Damn, I’m not usually one to fall into the ~oooh shiny~ trap, he must be right about this world. I nod.  
“What about him then?” I nod to Roxas, who is still looking longingly at the flowers.  
“Awe, Roxas is a good kid, he’ll listen to the rules if we lay them down, right Roxas?” He asks. Roxas doesn’t respond for a moment but when he does turn to Axel, it’s like he finally realizes he is being spoken to.   
“Um, right.” He nods. “Sorry.”   
“I guess let’s follow the road?” It comes out as a question, but Axel nods, linking arms with both me and Roxas, which feels terribly campy, but I guess is a good idea. If both Roxas and I are getting sucked in by pretty, deadly things, this is probably a lot easier on Axel then having to constantly babysit the two of us.  
“This way.” He tells us.  
He leads the way, through a forest with talking trees, past a dilapidated shack of a house, past another field of poppies and straight down a hill to a sparkling city made of emerald. My eyes go wide and I look to my comrades to see even Roxas marveling at the city.   
“Is this real?” I ask.  
“Even more real than me, Rueks.” Axel bumps my hip with his and I roll my eyes, looking up to him. I am uncomfortable when I realize how close the color of his eyes matches the sparkling color of the city. I clear my throat and look away.  
“So the Wizard is here?” Roxas asks and I see out of my peripheral vision, Axel nodding.   
“Right, deep in the heart of the city. And I have already taken the liberty of requesting an audience with him. This’ll be easy peasy.” Axel grins, quite proud of himself.   
“So now that we’re in the city, do we need to hold hands like children crossing the street, or do I get to be a big girl now?” I ask, with a very obvious roll of my eyes.  
“Awe, c’mon, don’t pretend you weren’t enjoying yourself.” Axel teases, though he unlinks his arms from both mine and Roxas’s. “C’mon you crazy kids, let’s spend a day in the Emerald City.”  
The city is more beautiful than I could’ve imagined. If Transmute City looked like this, I never would’ve wanted to leave, and as much as I like to pride myself on being cynical and practical, I find myself staring, mouth agape, looking around. The skyscrapers even rival those in The World That Never Was, height wise, but these appear to be made of real emeralds. I reach out to touch them, my finger tips brushing across the cool stone.   
“Can you guys just leave me here and tell Xemnas I died or something?” I ask and Axel snickers.  
“Oh sweetheart, this world’s got a lot more twisted secrets that we haven’t even delved into yet. Trust me, you’ll appreciate the face value of The World That Never Was a hell of a lot more after a week here.” He pats my back and I squirm, brushing him off of me. Axel leads the way past a group of women wearing plush, emerald clothing, lavish hats and frilly coats. One of them looks over the three of us and starts giggling, before leaning in to whisper to her friends. I guess the three of us really do stand out.  
“You guys ever think of dressing like you belong in a world?” I raise an eyebrow and Axel shrugs.  
“Wouldn’t make for a very organized Organization if we all dressed out of uniform.” Is all he offers me, but I’m not really paying attention anymore.  
“What is that?” I blink and to my surprise, Roxas answers me.  
“A horse of a different color?” The boy tilts his head to the side as an orange horse traipses past us, it’s coat changing from red to violet as it moves.  
Axel leads us through the city with only minimal distracts, to a small tollbooth window and just before we get there, he holds his arm out, stopping us.  
“I’m the one who requested the audience, the attendant might not be too excited to see my friends, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.” Axel says and Roxas scrunches his face.  
“You didn’t put anything down.” He says and I have to bite my lip to hold back laughter.  
“I think you’d be a lot more successful with Roxas and I in tow. You look a lot less like a homicidal weirdo when you’ve got a cute girl and a derpy kid beside you.” I say, pointing a finger at Axel’s black, leather gettup. He snorts.  
“That’s not very nice, calling Roxas a girl.” He teases. I deadpan.  
“Dick. Fine, go enjoy your audience with the Wizard, Roxas and I will look at the horses.” I toss my ponytail over my shoulder, indignantly. Axel snickers, but rounds the corner without us. Roxas and I sink to the floor, sitting against a building.   
“Why are you coming with Axel and I on missions?” Roxas asks and I shrug.  
“Cuz I’m being held captive and this is what I was told to do if I don’t want to be ‘disposed of’.” I say, using air quotes. He looks me over, face scrunched up, head cocked.   
“What do you mean, disposed of?” He asks, using air quotes, but very awkwardly, like he doesn’t fully understand the finger motions.  
“It’s been heavily implied that I don’t get to live if I don’t cooperate with your Organization.” I say, heaving a sigh.   
“But aren’t you part of the Organization?” He asks and I shake my head.  
“No, I’m just here for fun.” It dawns on me that he doesn’t quite understand sarcasm. “For whatever reason they’ve inducted you and Xion, but I’m considered too unpredictable because I appeared in your world unexpectedly.”  
“So you’re not from The World That Never Was?” He asks and I shake my head.  
“Nope.”  
“A different world then?”  
“Yep.”  
“Is your world like this one?” He asks and I smile a little, definitely not as nostalgic as I thought I would be, a month away from home.  
“No, my world is a lot colder and a lot greyer. Even more so than The World That Never Was.” I tell him.   
“Why aren’t you a member of the Organization?” He asks me and I shrug. “Is it because you’re not—”  
Axel rounds the corner back to us, pouting and irritated looking and my smugness outweighs the curiosity I felt for what Roxas was going to ask me.   
“Awe man, did your invitation get denied, Dancing Flames?” I raise an eyebrow, propping my knee up and setting an elbow on my knee.  
“It was accepted, but the Wizard has decided not to see anyone today. Guess he already saw some big group. Some girl named Dora or something.” He waves his hands. “Which means we get to go back with our tails between our legs.”   
“You give up too easily.” I tell him and he scoffs.  
“Are you suggesting a hostile takeover, dear Rueks? Because that’s a little more devious than I thought you were capable of.” Axel winks at me. I hoist myself up off the ground and stomp closer to him, my arms crossed to my chest.  
“No, I’m suggesting something with a little more finesse.” I say.  
“Oh, you think you have what it takes for that, sweetheart?” He raises an eyebrow. I smirk.  
“Yep.”   
“Then by all means, the stage is all yours.” He swoops into a low bow. I roll my eyes.  
“If my plan works, we don’t head immediately back to The World That Never Was.” I demand. He snorts, coming back up to stand.  
“If your plan works, I’ll buy you and our resident zombie ice cream.” He offers. I smile.  
“Good, put your listening ears on and follow my cue.” I take a deep breath, roll my shoulders back and sprint around the corner. “Oh help me! Help me please!” I shriek, running so fast that the wind whips my eyes and reddens my face. I pound at the attendant’s window as I get to it, one hand on my heart, sniffling. The attendant comes to the window, all puffy faced and taken aback as I throw myself across the counter top, sobbing violently.  
“Um…Miss…Ma’am…Um…”  
“Please, sir you have to help me! That man that came to the window with the red hair and the cloak? He and his apprentice kidnapped me, I need someone to help me! They snatched me from home, right away from my siblings…I don’t know how they’ll be able to run the shop without me, I’m the eldest, you see.” I blubber, coming up to wipe at my eyes and gauge the attendant’s reaction, which is mostly shock.  
“Miss, I’m not sure what I can—”  
“Just please, let me in to see the Wizard! He’ll know what to do!” I wail, faking a hiccuppy sob. “Please, they’ve had me for months! This is the first time I’ve broken free! Just please! Please open the gates!”   
“I can’t just—”  
“They’re going to kill me if they catch me!” I shriek and he nearly jumps back, blinking at me.  
“Right, of course!” He hustles over to a machine and cranks a lever and just like that, the large doors creek open.   
“There she is! Get her!” Axel shouts as he appears from behind the corner right on time and I bite back a smirk. He was listening, good. I freeze in place, shrieking, scaring the attendant further and giving the boys time to catch up. Three, two…  
I burst into a sprint, booking it to the door, hoping that Axel and Roxas will be fast enough to catch up to me.  
And sure enough, I make it through the doors and instantly they start closing behind me. But Axel and Roxas both slide in seconds before they clamp shut. I look to the two of them, satisfied and out of breath.  
“Well color me impressed, Rueks.” Axel pants, looking up at me from where he rests, crouched over with his hands on his knees. “If I were feeling generous, I might call that a stroke of pure genius.”   
“And so you should.” I nod, crossing my arms to my chest.   
“You couldn’t have chosen a plan with less running, though?” He complains and I roll my eyes, looking to Roxas, who is struggling to catch his breath, making a face.   
“Cheer up, kid, we’re getting ice cream.” I clap Roxas on the shoulder and look pointedly at Axel.  
“What can I say, I’m a man of my word. Now let’s go check out this Wizard.”  
We wander down a hall that is surprisingly grey, considering how vibrant and beautiful the rest of the world was colored, and come to a set of emerald green double doors.  
“Do we knock?” I lift an eyebrow, Axel makes a face.  
“Nah, but prepare yourself. We don’t know what kinda magic this Wizard has up his sleeve. Lord Xemnas seems to think he’s a pretty heavy hitter.” He says. I shuffle around in my pocket, grabbing a mega potion and a bomb core. I load them into my claw and pinch my eyes shut trying to feel the energy from the synthesis building inside of me. My fingertips grow hot inside the claw and I roll my shoulders back, shooting my arm up in the air as the spell is cast.   
“Mega NulAll.” I explain. “Elemental magic won’t work on any of us.” I nod and Axel nods back. Roxas mostly looks confused, but mildly grateful. He knows I did something nice, even though he might not fully process what nice means yet.  
“You’re too sweet, Rueks.” Axel says, though his face doesn’t grow any less serious, despite the mockery.   
“Let’s do this.” I take charge, taking a step forward, pushing the doors open, claw out and at the ready only to reveal—  
An elderly man tinkering with a computer?  
“Is he a wizard?” Roxas’ voice sounds off behind me and the man jumps, I swear, ten feet in the air.  
“Ope!” He scurries around, looking the three of us over, and then ducks behind a curtain. He pulls it shut behind him and we hear some more gears moving. I look to Axel, an eyebrow inclined, but he looks just as confused as I feel. “You have disturbed the Great and Powerful Oz!” A voice roars as a face appears on the curtain.  
“Seriously? Dude, we just saw you…” I mutter, placing a hand on my hip.   
“You have seen nothing, girl! I am the Great and Powerful Oz, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” The floating head demands and I heave a sigh.  
“That’s kind a mouthful, isn’t it? It was much easier calling you ‘wizard’ in my head.” Axel interrupts.  
“Your mockery will not be tolerated, I’m warning you!” The floating head roars, and to my surprise, as Axel and I are shooting each other irritated looks, Roxas takes charge, striding right over to the curtain. He yanks it open. Sure enough, there is the man from before, pulling levers and pushing buttons, his back to us.  
“You’re not a wizard at all.” Roxas accuses. The man spins around, eyes wide as he regards Roxas, me and Axel.  
“Y-you’re one of them, aren’t you?” He chokes out.  
“Alright, ‘wiz’, I’ll bite. Who are we one of?” Axel sighs, spinning his chakram around in his hands, irritated.  
“You’re with the black demons, the creatures with the glowing eyes!” The man says, with a flourish of hand gestures. “We’re a peaceful world, leave us be!” He insists. I look to Axel for direction and he just heaves a sigh.  
“You know, if there were an award for biggest waste of time…” He trails off, shaking his head. “No old man, we’re not with the black demons. And you’re not even worth turning into one.” He replies.  
“Wha-what are you talking about? Get out of here this instant, you are not welcome in the Emerald City! I will banish you!” He roars, suddenly, as though he thinks he has some great amount of power. Axel’s face distorts into something meaner than I thought he was capable off. But only for a second.  
“Right, says the little old man pretending to be a Wizard. You know, you were half right, when you thought we might be with the black demons…” He trails off, and then, with the flourish of his hand, a dozen dusks appear out of nothingness. Apparently it’s not just Demyx that can summon them. “We’re with the white demons. Have fun old man.” And with another flourish, Axel opens up a portal and starts into it. I look to Roxas and the two of us bolt in after him, the vibrant, beautiful world disappearing behind us.  
\--  
Axel leads us to a world called Twilight Town, which is apparently connected to The World That Never Was, somehow. I don’t see how it possibly can be. This world is warm, but not overbearing and colored in muted oranges, reds and yellows. Even the sky is orange with the light of the setting sun and flecked with soft pink clouds. It’s the kind of place I could lay down and die happy in, very much unlike The World That Never Was.  
Axel tells us he’s got this great spot that you can see the entire town from, and shows us the way up to the Clock Tower in town. There’s a staircase inside of it that Roxas and I take to get to the top while Axel retreats, in search of something he calls ‘The Icing On The Cake’.  
A soft breeze blows past Roxas and I, while he leans over the edge of the guard rail, completely unafraid as he looks at the town below us.  
He really looks like Sora right now.  
“So, how long have you had the Keyblade?” I ask, wringing my hands in my lap as I sit beside him. He doesn’t even turn to me.  
“I dunno. Since I woke up in the Castle, I guess.” Which is not really an answer.  
“And you don’t remember anything before then?” I ask. He shakes his head.  
“Axel says I will though.” He doesn’t seem terribly bothered by that, but I guess I get it. It’s hard to be nostalgic for something that didn’t exist in the first place.  
“When I was a kid, I woke up in a broom closet with no memories.” I tell him, he looks to me and for the first time, seems to acknowledge the weight of my words. He nods and sits down next to me.  
“So you were like me.” He says.   
“I guess, kind of. But I still don’t remember anything from before I woke up, and that was when I was nine. I’m eighteen now.” I explain.  
“Do you think you ever will remember anything?” He asks.  
“I think if I was going to, I would have by now.” I confess.   
“Why do you think you don’t remember?” He asks, which is a question that I hate.  
“I probably hit my head somewhere in the closet I woke up from.” I confess.  
“Did it hurt?” He asks and I laugh.  
“I don’t think so, can’t remember.”   
“It didn’t hurt me either.” He says, though I’m not necessarily sure that in this state he would understand what pain actually is. “Are you a Nobody, then?” He asks and I make a face.  
“That’s gonna be a no on that one.” I say because seriously, what a weird question. I’ve seen Nobodies, the Dusks and Dancers that Demyx and Axel have summoned, and I am very clearly not one, though it begs the question what the hell they are. I   
Whatever, I shake it off. Roxas is clearly just lacking in the brain cell department, I already knew that. He probably doesn’t fully understand that the Nobodies are just things that the people in the Organization can summon to do their dirty work.  
“You two aren’t starting in on the fun without me, are you?” I hear Axel’s voice behind us and he comes into the light, with three bars of light blue ice cream, which he passes out to Roxas and I, before sitting down beside me.  
“You didn’t miss much, just Roxas acting almost human for a second.” I say, shooting a half smile in the boy’s direction, but he’s more focused on his ice cream than the words coming out of my mouth.  
“It’s sweet, but salty…” He observes and Axel snickers, his mouth suddenly at my ear.  
“I’ll believe that when I see it, Rueks.”  
We eat our ice cream in silence and Roxas is right, it is both sweet and salty, and really freaking good, but mostly, what I’m enjoying about this is being outside of the castle, feeling the sunlight on my skin, being able to stretch my legs. Being outside of The World That Never Was for this long is starting to make me feel like I am a lot closer to being free, without actually, you know, being free. And as much as it pains me to say, Axel really isn’t terrible company. Roxas either, though he isn’t exactly an A-1 conversationalist.  
He stands up, out of nowhere, looking out at the sky.  
“I think I’m gonna….go back to the castle.” He decides and Axel nods.  
“See you in the morning for our next mission, kid.” Axel says, and with that, Roxas creates a portal and is gone.  
“You know he’d be a hell of a lot cuter if he wasn’t borderline brain dead.” I say, propping my elbows on my knees as I stare out into the town. The clock tower dings behind us, a sound that is soft and musical even at such a close proximity. Axel looks at me, eyebrow arched.  
“What did you say?” He asks and I just shrug.  
“Just that he’s brain dead. I know you said it’s a whole him not having memories thing, but I swear I didn’t wake up and act like that in Transmute City. And I’ve already done enough dealing with cute idiots.” I say with a half sort of smile. There, that can leave him guessing a little. But instead of elbowing me or bending me over the guard rail and fucking me into next week, Axel just shakes his head.  
“No, before then.”   
“What, that he’s a cute kid? Cuz he is. I mean he only looks to be a few years younger than me, you might have some competition once he starts remembering things.” I tease, offering a sly wink. And again, no teasing back, no usual banter. He just stares at me for a long moment, and under his green gaze, I have to resist the urge to squirm. If he thinks just looking at me really hard is going to get me to retract my statement and declare my undying love for him, joke’s on him. I very aloofly tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear.  
“I know you.” He breathes and I blink, looking at him with an eyebrow lifted.  
“Dude, I know, you’ve told me this a thousand times. It’s not as good of a pick up line as it was the first time.” I remind him.  
“No, Rueki, you don’t get it. I know you. And I just figured out where from.” He suddenly stands and I look up at him, eyes narrowed in annoyance.  
“Okay, you gonna elaborate?” I ask, but suddenly, he won’t meet my gaze.  
“Can’t yet. Sorry sweetheart.”   
And with that, he opens a portal and disappears into it, leaving me alone atop the clock tower.


	7. Chapter 7

VII.  
Axel is gone by time I wake in the morning.  
I fall asleep the second I hit the pillow and am up and waiting in the lounge type room at early as fuck o’clock in the morning. I wait for almost three hours before Luxord enters the room and looks at me with an arched eyebrow.  
“Rueki, love, I did not expect to see you up and moving, especially without your would be mentor.” He says, taking a seat on the couch next to me. From out of nowhere, he produces a deck of cards, and I look at him with a face that’s a little more than a little confused.  
“Apparently Axel decided to sleep in. He wanted us to leave so early yesterday, I just kinda figured it was safer to get up earlier than not.” I say with a shrug. “Whatever, it’ll give me an excuse to harass him a little bit.” Now Luxord looks confused. He stops shuffling mid way through to meet me with a scrunched up face.  
“Love, Axel left at least four hours ago on a mission. Claimed that he didn’t need your help on today’s mission. Or XIII’s either for that matter. Quite odd if you ask me.” He says, resuming his shuffling. “Care for a game of Black Jack?”  
“What did you say about Axel?” I ask, with wide eyes.  
No fucking way. No way in hell. I mean, I didn’t expect him to be completely normal after that little show he put on yesterday, but I did expect him to…I dunno…not leave me behind altogether this morning?  
“That he left? No need to get worked up, number VIII is as unpredictable as they come.” Luxord says with a shrug.  
“What a dick though, my potential future freedom is tied to him!” I glare.  
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news darling, but I don’t think VII was exaggerating when he said our Superior has no intentions of setting you free.” He reminds me, as though I need it. I sigh.  
“I know.” But it doesn’t mean I’m not trying to play my role. If I keep playing the part of the good little prisoner, keep biding my time, who knows what kind of opportunities I’ll have to sneak off and away from….  
The man I’m fucking and some space case teenager.  
What has my life become?  
Luxord and I play cards through most of the morning. I knock on Axel’s door in the early afternoon. There is no answer.  
“Rueki!” Demyx suddenly comes barreling out of his room, eyes wide and frantic, looking at me with the utmost urgency. “I hear you have a new weapon.” Which mildly freaks me out, because based on how Axel is acting, it wouldn’t surprise me if the weapon he gave me was fake, or stolen. Or cursed.  
“Uh yeah, a new claw. It’s in my room.” I confess and suddenly, the Nocturne’s freaked expression becomes an easy grin.  
“Oh, really? Did you get to test it out on your mission yesterday?” For some reason I am almost certain he knows the answer to this already.  
“Nooo…” I trail off, only to watch his smile grow.  
“Well, lucky for you, I’m on Heartless duty outside the Castle! And I hear that Axel booted you out of your mission today.”  
“Is this common knowledge at this point?” I roll my eyes and he snickers.  
“Luxord might’ve told me.” He confesses. “But, I was thinking, since you still have a shiny new toy to test out, why don’t you come help me get rid of some Heartless, huh?” He asks.  
I want to tell him no, to piss off. I want to tell him he’s lazy. I want to grumble about how it sounds like absolutely no fun and how I’m going to end up drenched and he won’t and fuck him for dragging me into this.  
Instead, I grab my claw and that extra coat of Axel’s that I stole and follow him out of the Castle.  
\--  
I love the feeling of slashing through a Heartless. There’s something so satisfying, watching it disintegrate in the darkness from which it came. I swing my arm around, within Survivor and tear straight through a Neo Shadow, huffing and puffing. I feel a deep wave of sympathy for all of the times Demyx has had to come out here and fight these creatures himself. The Heartless that try desperately to flock into The Castle That Never Was for shelter are particularly relentless and almost always lead by a pack of fucking Neo Shadows.  
Demyx uses the weight of his Sitar to take out a hoard of Neo Shadows. We look at each other both of us irritated.  
“This fucking sucks.” I tell him, as though he needs to be told.  
“Hey, I’m just thankful I don’t have to do this myself anymore. Lucky me that Axel left you behind.” He teases. I falter just a little and a Neo Shadow slashes it’s claws against my leg.  
“Ahhk!” I cry out and smash my claw into the culprit. It disintegrates. “Fuck the Heartless. And fuck Axel for leaving me behind. I don’t know what crawled up his ass and died, but he best be preparing himself, because when he gets back, we’re going to have words.” I grumble.  
“Don’tcha think you’re overreacting a little?” Demyx asks me. I glare.  
“Probably, but I need you to be my friend right now and not point that out to me.” I say. He laughs, and it really is a pleasant sound, despite his nasally voice.  
“Is that how friendship works nowadays?” He snickers, shooting a spike of water out of the ground, taking out a heard of Heartless.  
“Yeah.” I say. I fish a grenade out of my pocket and toss it as far as I can away from us. A group of shadows in the back of the heard get destroyed. “So, like, pretend to be sympathetic with me, and tell me how much of a dick Axel’s being.” Demyx blanches and turns to look at me, brow furrowed.  
“Are the two of you together now or something?” He asks me and I flinch, throwing another grenade.  
“Why is that relevant to this conversation?” I ask.  
“There’s something to say about women with hearts.” He snickers, which is a joke that must be over my head. I take another swipe at a Neo Shadow.  
“Can you please just say he’s a douche?” I ask.  
“Sure, he’s a douche. Are you two together?” Demyx summons a series of Water Clones and sends them out to sick the Heartless.  
“No!” I insist. “I mean, kind of. Like we’ve had a pretty reasonable amount of sex considering the short amount of time we’ve known each other. But like, we’re not together, together. Like it’s strictly a physical thing. Cuz he’s a douche and all.”   
“I knew it!” Demyx grins. A Neo Shadow rushes me and I deliver a sharp kick to it, which sends it spiraling his way. He shoots up a spike of water and destroys the creature.  
“Did not.”  
“I did! I mean, he’s always a little obnoxious with everyone, but he seemed especially overly friendly with you at the meeting.” Demyx cackles. I allow him to have this one, even though Axel and I had only slept together once at that point.  
“Okay, but could you not be so gloaty about the whole situation? And also not tell anyone? Cuz I really don’t need this getting around.” I heave a sigh.  
“Sure, sure.” Demyx says with the wave of his hand, before slashing another Neo Shadow with his Sitar. “So why are you so pissed at your boyfriend then?” He asks and I contemplate throwing a grenade at him.  
“Dude, you’re supposed to be my non judgey friend.” I whine.  
“And who is your judgey friend?” He asks.  
“Luxord.”   
“That’s fair. Anyway, why are you so pissed at Axel?” He asks.  
“Well, he’s been on this kick like ‘I know you from my past, blah blah blah’.” I roll my eyes, kicking a Heartless to the ground and slamming Survivor down into it.   
“Which is totally possible, since you don’t have any memories from before you were nine. Axel is only a few years older than you.” He tells me and I glare at him again. “Sorry, wrong thing again?”  
“Yep, but you’re forgiven. Anyhow, he’s on about this kick, which is whatever, cuz he is fucking fantastic in bed.” I say and Demyx scrunches his face up.  
“That was something I never wanted to know, Rueki.” He shakes his head.  
“We’ll call it even for all of the wrong things you’ve said so far today.” I smirk a little bit, throwing another grenade at the group.  
“I don’t think that makes us even.”  
“Anyhow. He’s annoying, but he’s forgiven because I like to fuck him. And he’s all insistent that he’s not gonna fall in love with me, which is good, cuz I am definitely not gonna fall in love with him, so like, pretty much the perfect situation. We were having a perfectly nice day yesterday too, got our mission done, then him, me and Roxas went to get ice cream. And Roxas left and I made a comment on him being cute for a fucking zombie and then Axel got all weird and ~I’ve figured out where I know you from~, and then he up and ditches me this morning? Like what a cryptic fucking dick.” I groan, parrying with a few more Heartless.  
“Well I can promise you that he’s not jealous of Roxas.” Demyx laughs and I do think he’s right, so I don’t question him.   
“I was pretty sure of that myself. And like whatever if he was, that’s his own problem to deal with. All of these things are his problem to deal with, cuz he’s not my boyfriend—”  
“Really? I didn’t know that. It’s not like you’ve already mentioned it a thousand times.” He summons another series of Water Clones and receives another dirty look from me.   
“Fuck you. But am I wrong? Like he needs to sort out his problems on his own and maybe not take out his stupid shit on me. Like have some fucking professionalism, we’re working together.” I insist.  
“I dunno, Rueki, Axel’s kind of a wild card.” He shrugs.  
“So I’ve heard.”  
“I would just roll with it if I were you. I mean, you’re not gonna be able to keep up with him anyway, so what’s the point?” He asks. It seems like we’ve made a damn good dent in the Heartless population, which is a relief. I chuck another grenade.  
“Have you ever heard that you’re not very motivated?” I ask and he chuckles.  
“Once or twice.” He confesses. “But really, who knows what’s going on in his mind?”  
“Not me.” I mutter.   
“Exactly. So stop your worrying.” He says with a shrug. We take a few more slashes and finally, the cluster seems to be gone. I’m soaking wet, thankful that I still had Axel’s coat, because my clothes underneath are probably still dry.  
And somehow the coat still smells like him.  
Dammit.  
“I’m still gonna fight him when he gets back.” I say, a bit indignantly.  
“As long as you leave me out of it, you can do whatever you want.” He rolls his shoulders back.  
“Dude, I helped you ward off the Heartless infestation from hell, you should be grateful enough to fight my battles for me.” I set a hand on my hip.  
“Nah, not me.” He says with the wave of his hand. “Fighting battles isn’t really in my job description. I don’t make it a point to overachieve. You start doing that, people start expecting stuff from you.”   
“We really need to work on your friendship skills.” I shake my head.  
“Hey, at least I can promise you that I’m never gonna sneak off with your boyfriend behind your back.”   
\--  
I knock on Axel’s door for a solid fifteen minutes that evening. It’s only when I start drawing in attention from other members that I give up and stomp back to my room.  
\--  
On the second day, I am at his door first thing in the morning, and Saix appears behind me before I can even start knocking. Upon hearing his voice, I am almost certain that I jump three feet in the air.  
“He’s already departed on his mission, it would be in your best interests to refrain from causing a scene. Again.” His voice is like ice. I spin around, wishing I was small enough that I could crawl underneath the frame of Axel’s door and disappear, far away from number VII.   
“Aren’t I supposed to be going with him?” I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, trying to look unassuming.  
“Number VIII has decided that you would not be of any use to him on this mission. Which begs the question, what use are you to the Organization?” He asks me, his voice piercing into me. A chill rolls down my spine. I sputter, opening my mouth only to make blank empty noises.  
“Um, I’m gonna go help Demyx with Heartless wrangling…” Is finally what I come up with.   
I disappear down the hall as quickly as I can.  
\--  
I drag Demyx out of bed and outside of the castle at a time that he doesn’t think anyone should be allowed to wake up at. But the idea of having to cut down Heartless alone is enough to get him dressed and out the door with me.  
“I think Saix hates me.” I say and Demyx laughs.  
“Hate would require a heart, Rueki.”   
That joke I think is funny, because it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that Saix doesn’t have a heart.  
We make a lot better time than we did yesterday, which is mostly because I’m being incredibly pushy and insistent that I need to confront Axel. I am at the door of his room, sitting outside it by noon, picking at split ends with my hair. After two hours worth of sitting, I hear a rustling in his room and curse.  
“Fucking asshole.” I mutter, under my breath. He must’ve opened a portal straight into his room to avoid me. I slam my fist into his door. “Dude, I know you’re in there, I can freaking hear you!” I shout, and I know he hears me. He still refuses to answer the door though. I don’t wait much longer, mostly because I’m too pissed to even see straight.  
“You can’t avoid me forever.” I whisper as I stomp back to my room.  
\--  
On the third day, I sleep in. I am not waiting for him outside his door, I am not going to sit there and scream at him until he comes and answers me.  
I’m taking fate into my own hands.  
I wait until late in the evening, when I know he will be back from his mission and I throw the door to his room open, not even bothering to attempt to be polite.  
He is lying on his bed, arms folded behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. He doesn’t even acknowledge me.  
“Are you gonna tell me why you’re avoiding me, or are we just gonna pretend we don’t know each other now?” I demand, not caring that I did, very rudely, barge into his room. Fuck him for messing with me like this. Saying weird, cryptic shit and then not even having the balls to talk to me about it.   
“I don’t owe you an explanation, Rueki.” He says, not even taking his eyes off of the ceiling.  
“Is this some weird, jealousy thing because I said Roxas was a cute kid? Because if so, you can learn how to take a joke, you and I are not even together and—”  
“Oh give it a break.” He rolls his eyes. “And get over yourself. Maybe this isn’t about you, hmm? Ever consider that, princess?” He nearly sneers at the ceiling.  
“Well what else am I supposed to think when you literally go from zero to asshole and then go ‘I know you’ and storm off?” I say, making a face and a voice as I mimic him. He turns over in bed, though his eyes are blazing in a way that I don’t like.   
“Maybe I just needed some time away from you.” He offers and I frown.  
“And you couldn’t have just told me that?”  
“Again, I don’t owe you an explanation. Or anything for that matter. So why don’t you get out of my room? If I wanted you here in the first place, don’t you think I’d have said something?” He arches an eyebrow. “I’m not looking for a quick lay today, sweetheart, but thanks for playing.”  
“Fuck you!” I snap, eyes narrowed, hands balled into fists. “And you assholes wonder why I want to leave this world?”  
“Then be my guest.” He flicks his wrist and in front of me, appears a black portal. I blink, looking from him to the portal and back. “Well? You want to leave so bad. Do it.” He dares me.  
I hesitate.   
“Fucking do it, Rueki!” He barks at me and I flinch.  
“You want me gone?” I ask, the words leaving a pit in my stomach.  
“Doesn’t matter what I want, it’s what you’re gonna do.” He rolls back over onto his back and in a moment of utter stupidity, I walk over to him and climb up onto his bed. “What the hell do you—”  
I press my lips to his, leaning over him, my hair spilling over my shoulders, making a curtain around his face. When I do pull away, I rest my forehead against his. For a second, I am sure his eyes are just as hard as before, but after a second, I notice them soften—barely. There’s something he’s not telling me and I don’t like it.  
“Axel, what happened the other day?” I murmur, my lips brushing across his. He takes a strand of my hair and wraps it loosely around his finger.   
“Not really interested in talking about it.” He says, not meeting my eyes.  
“Let. Me. In.” I breathe and he smirks, finally looking up at me.  
“I’m gonna pass on that one. Not your boyfriend, remember?” He raises an eyebrow. I narrow my eyes but before I can make another smart ass comment, he leans up, pressing his lips to mine. I hear the portal he opened, close behind us as he tangles his hands further into my hair. I climb up onto him, straddling his lap as I feel his fingertips dance down my neck, across my shoulders, down my back and to the hem of my shirt.  
“What makes you think I want you?” I breathe, though I don’t stop him as his hands slide up my shirt.   
“Do you?” He asks, and inside my shirt, I feel his thumbs, warm and rough brush, across my nipples. My breath comes in a short sputter and I pinch my eyes shut, not wanting watch him watch me.  
“I fucking hate you.” I choke out, but I take the zipper of my shirt between my fingers and yank it down. He slides it off of my shoulders and sits up, arms locking around my waist. He dives in, teeth at my neck, and I whimper pathetically. No, fuck this, fuck him, he’s not watching me come apart. I grab his jaw roughly and pull his face upwards. In one swift movement, I take his lower lip between my teeth and bite down until I hear him grunt.  
“Maybe you should calm down, sweetheart.” He chuckles, as he unzips his own coat.  
“Maybe you should shut the fuck up.” I yank his coat down the rest of the way. He wriggles out of it, letting it fall onto the bed while I grind my hips into his. With my fingernails biting into his shoulders, I rock my hips back and forth against his growing erection. His hands fly up into my hair, nails sliding back through my scalp, down my back. I groan, my breath hitching before he captures my mouth with his once again. His lips bump and brush against mine, his tongue so hot, so wet, and so teasing as it slides against mine. He exhales as I inhale. It leaves me warm and dizzy, so I grip him tighter and grind down further, the sensation of the friction spreading delicious tingles up the inside of my thighs.  
“Fuck, Rueki.” He breathes, digging his nails into my hips, I pull away to suck the skin of his neck between my teeth. I lick up his neck, nipping his ear as I grab a fistful of his hair and yank. “Dammit.” He hisses, so beautifully vocal, and even though I told him just moments ago to shut up, I hope that he doesn’t.  
“I’m going to make you fucking scream.” I promise. I climb off of his lap and grab the zipper of his pants, yanking down in one fluid movement. As quickly as I can manage, I unbutton them and tug his pants and his boxers down in a swift motion. I look up at him, and see just how wonderfully hazy his eyes have grown, watching me with a look that borders on obsession. I curl my lips around my teeth before taking him into my mouth.  
I catch him grip the fabric of his sheets, and I am living for the way it bunches into his fists as I hollow out my cheeks, bobbing my head up and down against his cock. My tongue brushes against the slit of his cock, experimentally, and this time his hips jerk and he slams back into my throat.  
I love it.  
I dive down, harder and faster than before, sucking him in tightly between my lips. Cupping his balls in my hands, I slide my tongue along the vein on the underside of his shaft.   
“Rueki.” He breathes my name, but not loud enough. I move the hand that was kneading his balls to the base of his cock, which I use as an extension of my mouth, jerking in time as I suck, swirling my tongue against his head. And I love how it feels, with him engulfed in the wet heat of my mouth. I love the feeling of gripping his cock, I love his scent, I love the way he tastes. His hips snap again, fucking himself straight into my throat, and I try to hollow out my cheeks further, giving him access, giving him room. He starts to moan, tossing his head, arching his back, choking on my name.   
Fuck, he’s beautiful.  
His cock twitches in my mouth and I slide my tongue along his slit one last time before he cums with a cry—right in my mouth.  
In one last brave move, I swallow his seed, lips still wrapped around his cock. He grunts again, looking me in the eyes as I resurface, lips wet and swollen.   
Axel is panting as we both sit up. He leans in closer, taking my face in his hands.  
“Maybe next time,” He breathes, lips brushing mine “You can make me scream.”  
I reach out and slap him.  
He grabs my shoulders and slams me back down onto his bed.  
“I fucking hate you.” I breathe, but he kisses me so furiously that I start to get dizzy. He grabs my ass roughly and I lock my legs around his waist, grinding my hips to his once again.  
“Promise?” He chuckles, mouth now on my shoulder.  
“Yes!” I snip and he leans up, looking down at me.  
“Good.”


	8. Chapter 8

VIII.  
I wake Axel up the following morning by pounding at his door, now fully used to waking up early. Unlike the past three days, he actually answers the door, a towel wrapped around his waist, hair soaked and hanging limp.

“Morning, Rueks.” He grins, cockily. Were it not for the fact that I am wearing clothes, he’d be on his back, on the floor, with me riding him into next week. “You missed out on a shower this morning, sorry sweetheart.” He teases. I roll my eyes, giving him a shove, pushing him back into his room, walking in myself and shutting the door behind us.

“Is subtlety not even a little bit important to you? Cuz I already told you, this isn’t a normal thing for me and I don’t need anyone thinking—”

He drops his towel. I clear my throat.

“Still got enough time before our mission to have a go at things, whaddaya say?” He tilts his head to the side.

“So I’m included in your mission today?” I very pointedly look at the ground until I hear the wrestling of him starting to put clothes on.

“Of course! I’d say you had plenty of time off, back to work, Rueks.” I look up to see him yanking his pants on.

“Yeah, I still don’t want you to call me that.” I remind him, leaning back against his door. “Where are we going today?”

“I dunno, check the note card.” He gestures to the index card on his dresser with the nod of his head, I snatch it up, looking over the perfect script written on it.

‘Motunui: Vanquish the Heartless threat’.

“Real specific.” I mutter.

“Yeah well, I’m sure we’ll know who the target is when we get there.” Axel replies, zipping up his coat. He takes a minute, looking me over, and for a second I truly understand the phrase ‘drinking in the sight’, because that is exactly what he’s doing. “That what you’re wearing?” He asks and I frown.

“It’s what I always wear so I’m gonna go with…yes.” I roll my eyes, shifting my weight as I cross my arms to my chest—Survivor strapped to my arm and all. He grins at me, offering a shrug.

“Alright sweetheart, but Motunui is an island. Of the tropical variety.” He says, snatching the note card out of my hand.

“And this world has rain, I’m glad we’ve regressed to making small talk about the weather.” I roll my eyes. He closes the distance between the two of us, pressing his hips to mine, setting his forehead against mine.

“Don’t you think you’re going to be warm under all of these clothes?” He asks, toying with the fabric of my hood. I raise an eyebrow.

“Says the man wearing a black trench coat?” 

“Some of us like it hot, Rueks.” He teases. 

“And some of us have been living on an ice cube for the past nine years, and would welcome an increase in temperature.” I remind him.

“Well, let’s get to it then. Roxas’ll probably be missing us by now.” He says, and he goes to reach around me to open the door.

“Hmm, before we get to that, maybe we should talk.” I grab his wrist in my hand, rubbing my thumb over the hem of his glove.

“Haven’t we already gone over the whole boundaries part of our…what would you call it?” He raises an eyebrow. He's trying to change the subject. Dick.

“Shit. I dunno? Friends with benefits?” I snort. “But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about your fucking revelation the other day. If you know me, don’t I deserve to know where from?” 

He offers me a very displeased look.

“There are things that I still need to figure out.” He tells me, which is vague and unhelpful.

“I don’t see how that concerns me.” I insist.

“Look, I don’t have the full story for you, and you’re not gonna get one at all unless I can figure that all out, got it memorized?” He asks, tapping my temple with a gloved finger.

“So do you have any immediate plans to get this story or…” I trail off. He frowns.

“Believe me, if I could, I already would’ve gotten it. There’s a lot missing that I want to know.” He mutters.

“I thought you said all of your memories were in tact?” I ask, his expression grows darker and now he cannot meet my gaze.

“That’s what I thought.”  
\--  
He is right about Motunui being hot. It’s miserable, I have decided that tropical islands are not my forte, and suddenly I miss Twilight Town and its deliciously mild climate and orange skies.

“Are we getting ice cream after this?” I ask Axel and he meets me with a sideways grin.

“You and Roxas can do whatever your pretty little heart desires. I’ve got a meeting.” He says. I raise an eyebrow.

“You wanna elaborate?” I ask.

“Nope.” Dick.

“So where do we start?” Roxas asks.

“Let’s try the beach. We can circle the island from there.” Axel suggests. So we do. I don’t know when it is that I start to feel eyes on the back of my neck or hear wrestling of branches, but all at once, I realize that we are being followed. I can tell Axel senses it too, because he grabs my arm and holds me still.

“I’m going to greet our visitor in the trees. You and zombie boy stay out here.” He whispers and I glare.

“No, I’m going to do the scouting, I’m smaller, I can hide easier.” I say. He glares back.

“I’m wearing black, I’m less visible.” He tries.

“Sure in the dead of night, not in the middle of a bright, sunny island.” My voice gets a little louder.

“Last time I checked, Rueks, I’m the one in charge of this mission, not you. But thanks for playing.” He taps my nose and I swat his hand.

“Last time I checked, I’m not a part of your little club, so I can do what I want.” I remind him, placing a hand on my hip.

“Is there a reason that you’re trying so hard to be a pain in my ass?” He heaves a sigh.

“I’ve got a laundry list of reasons, do you want them in alphabetical order?” I snap.

“Guys?” Roxas tries, from behind us.

“Not now kid,” Axel waves his hand, not turning to look at Roxas. “Do I need to remind you that you could have it a hell of a lot worse than being stuck with me?” He asks and I snort.

“So? Doesn’t mean that I’m living the good life. You’re an arrogant fucker, and I’m better suited for scouting the trees.” I insist.

“And you’re a mouthy bitch.” Axel says. My eyes widen and I reach out to smack him, but he grabs my hand in his.

“Guys?” Roxas tries again.

“Screw you! I am such a good prisoner, I haven’t tried to run away from you at all, so consider yourself lucky, because if you think I’m a bitch now, just wait to see what I could be!” I snap.

“Please, sweetheart, the only time you’re not a pain in the ass is when you’re gagging on my—” 

“Guys!” Roxas shouts and with fire in our eyes, we turn to him.

“What?” Both Axel and I snap….and then we realize ‘what’.

A girl with dark hair, in tribal clothing of some sorts, has a pointed stick aimed at Roxas’ back, and although he easily could’ve whipped out his Keyblade, he looks more uncomfortable than anything.

“Who are you people?” The girl asks. She can’t be more than sixteen, but she’s got passion in her gaze and strength in her stance. Axel is still holding my hand. We draw apart, me crossing my arms to my torso.

“Call us your friendly, neighborhood Heartless exterminators.” Axel says. The girl still glares at him.

“The what exterminators?” She asks.

“Monsters, roaming your island. Taking people hearts with darkness?” I try and recognition starts to light her gaze. She lowers her stick, looking to me and Roxas.

“Where did you come from?” She asks.

“Trust me, you don’t wanna get involved in that.” I shake my head.

“Is that the only reason you’re here then?” She asks, almost sounding agitated.

“That’s it. So if you could just point us toward—” Axel doesn’t have time to finish. From the depths of the ocean behind us, a rumbling begins. The three of us turn to watch as a bright red creature with a dozen arms—like an octopus—rises from the depths, lashing it’s arms out toward us, scrambling to the land. On its head, I see the Heartless insignia.   
“It’s a Heartless.” Roxas says, completely unhelpfully. 

“This our threat?” I ask Axel. He nods.

“I’d be willing to put munny on it.”

The creature spirals at us, a whirlwind of flames, and I watch Axel’s eyes glint devilishly. 

“Time to fight fire with fire.” His Chakrams appear in his hands and a Keyblade materializes in Roxas’. 

“Stay back.” I warn the girl, who looks at the Heartless, her face twisting in horror. She looks to me, then Axel, then Roxas and nods, though I can tell that obeying is not in her nature. She sprints over to some nearby palm trees and takes shelter behind one as Axel hurls his Chakrams at the creature. It roars at us and summons a fleet of smaller Heartless, Scarlet Tangos. I go after one when Axel holds an arm up, stopping me.

“Let Roxas get those, you and I will go after the big one.” He says and I want to question it, but I shoot Roxas a glance, and instantly accept this. He is just a kid, and whether he looks like Sora or not, it wouldn’t be fair to have him taking on the real threat when Axel and I can handle it. Probably. 

I grab a water gem and a piece of the old map of Transmute City out of my pocket and load them up into Survivor while Axel slashes at the Heartless, sending his Chakrams flying in a stream of fire. I narrow my eyes and aim at the creature, channeling my energy through the opening of my claw. I shoot out five small bursts of water damage and the creature buckles under the Waterfall. Axel, however, is caught in the aftermath and although he sustains no damage, a blast of water to his face is clearly not pleasing to him. He spits out a mouthful as I throw myself at the creature slashing upward. 

“Your aim sucks!” He tells me.

“Your Aquaphobia sucks.” I retort, leaping over the creature’s arm as it swipes at me. It takes another swipe with one of its many arms and this time I fall on my back. I brace myself for searing pain when suddenly I hear a metallic ‘woosh’. Axel is at my side, helping me onto my feet while his Chakrams spin at the Heartless. He all but yanks me up and I grunt, coming to my feet as quickly as I can. “Thanks.” I breathe, just in time for the creature to take another swipe. I slash and it falls back.

“This thing sucks.” Axel grumbles.

“It’s too fast, no time to mix anything that can damage it.” I lunge, slashing again while Axel unleashes a flurry of attacks with his Chakrams. “And unfortunately I don’t think we’re doing much damage.” I confess, my breathing growing more labored.

“I know.” Axel glares, sizing the thing up while Roxas destroys another Scarlet Tango. He hurtles his Keyblade up at one that is a little higher in the air and narrowly misses, Keyblade smacking the Octopus Heartless on the head instead. It stays dazed for a moment and Axel and I exchange quick looks, not wasting more time though, before we go after the Heartless. He slashes at it and I quickly mix another Waterfall, launching it at the Heartless. The attack is relatively mellow, but it does more damage than my claw did and leaves me only minimally drained. After a few more seconds, the stunning wears off and it starts attacking us, harder and faster than before. It knocks an arm right into my middle and I go skidding half way up the beach, smacking my head into the palm tree that the girl hides behind.

“Are you okay?” She cries out and for a moment, I am not, my vision has gone white. But I hear Axel call out my name and I force myself to a sitting position, just in time to catch a potion mid-air. I knock it back, shake off my injury and go sprinting at the creature, loading the last of the map and another water gem into Survivor. I shoot it at the Heartless, aiming for its head and use the moment that it’s dazed to knock back another potion.

“Hitting its head stuns it.” Axel tells me, slashing at the creature. 

“I’ve noticed.” I say, trying to ignore the miserable pain in my midsection. “Can you open up a portal on top of its head?” I ask and he grimaces as the creature regains consciousness and swipes at the two of us. We both jump, though my attempt is weak and I barely make it out of the way of its arm.

“I don’t think so.” He confesses. Suddenly Roxas is at our side and takes a swipe at the Heartless. He’s panting, slashing desperately at it, and I don’t know who is more worn out between the three of us.

“We need to get on that thing’s head.” I shout to Roxas over the slashing of our weapons. 

“It won’t hold still long enough to get up to the top.” He says.

“That’s the problem.” Axel shouts back.

Suddenly, in my peripheral vision, I see the girl run out from behind the palm tree, a huge rock in her hand.

“Shit!” I yelp, I try to think quickly and I sprint over to the tree to try to push her back, because the only person she is going to hurt is herself. “Stop!” But she hoists the rock over her head and chucks it at the Heartless. To my surprise, her aim is good. And she must’ve heard us. Because the rock sails high in the air, over me, over Roxas, over Axel and smashes the Heartless in the head. I halt for only a moment. I spin around, and make eye contact long enough with Axel to hope that we have the same plan in mind. I run as fast as I can through the sand, toward where he holds his Chakrams, outstretched and I hold my breath, leaping through the air, onto the Chakram and jump. I fly through the air, only exhaling when I have sufficiently landed on top of the Heartles. With one swift, violent movement, I slam my claw down into the Heartless’ head and it sputters, freezing. Beneath me, I see Roxas and Axel slashing at the monster. I load a Water Gem and a Black Magic Sphere in into my claw and shoot nine bursts of heavy hitting Water Magic into the creature’s skull, counting them out in my head. The thing starts to falter, creaking, crumbling and I make a move to smash into it once more when I hear Axel call my name.

“Rueki! Get down, Roxas needs to finish this one.” He shouts at me and I glare, looking down. I don’t get down or even have a moment to argue back, but the time I spend, stationary on the Heartless is all the time it takes for Roxas to cut down the creature. It shakes and spasms, disintegrating into the darkness, it’s all I can do to attempt to hold on. It lurches, aggressively, and I go flying off, shrieking as I am thrown into the ocean.

It’s warm and soothing, but for some reason my abdomen burns. I realize almost instantly, it is from my Heartless related injury as I swim to the surface. The currents are calm and although I am drenched and sore, I make my way back to the land with relative ease.

“Enjoy your swim, Rueks?” Axel teases, and in a moment of utter irritation, I whip my hair at him, smacking him across the cheek with my sopping, golden locks.

“Screw you.” Is my response. I lift up the front of my shirt to look down at the redness on my abdomen. It’s bad, but nothing a few potions won’t fix.

“Ouch.” Roxas winces.

“It got you good.” Axel nods, his eyes roaming my abdomen, coming to a halt suddenly. “Your hip.” I look down and sure enough, there are finger print shaped scars on my hip. From the first time we had sex in the library, I remember it feeling almost like a burn. “I didn’t realize you were still marked.”

“Me either.” I confess, and across his eyes flashes something that makes my stomach do a summersault. “It doesn’t hurt.” I try. Silently, he hands me a high potion and I knock it back, already feeling the pain on my torso subsiding.

“Hey!” The girl comes running out from behind the tree, kicking up sand in her wake.

“Hey! Great job with the quick thinking.” I nod at her. 

“You didn’t think I could do it.” She smirks at me, crossing her arms to her chest, cocky little fuck.

“No, to be honest, I thought you were a delicate flower that needed saving. My mistake.” I shrug.

“You killed the monster!” She says and Roxas nods.

“Yeah, that’s our job.” He says.

“But you guys aren’t from here.” It’s more a statement than a question.

“That’s a negative.” I tell her.

“That is so cool!” She throws her arms up in the air, so excited that I can’t help but smile. “I’m Moana, I’m the chiefs daughter! Let me bring you back to my father, he’ll want to meet and thank the heroes that have helped our island!”

“That’s a no can do.” Axel shakes his head. “We prefer to keep our work a secret, got it memorized?” He asks and she just blinks at him.

“But if you helped our island..”

“All in a days work.” He shrugs.

“Then you can help with another problem we’re having!” She claps her hands together, quite giddy. “It’ll be easy, you see—”

“This is more of a one and done type thing, princess.” He says, and with that, he starts off, across the beach. 

“Hey!” She shouts. “Stop!” Moana trudges after us, panting, her dark hair spilling into her face “If you can leave the Island, you have to help me!” 

“Sorry, princess, no can do.” Axel says with a shrug.

“I’m not a princess, I’m the daughter of the chief!” She snaps, still huffing and puffing, but she manages to stamp her hands to her hips and offer Axel up a pretty menacing glare.

“We got rid of the Heartless, a simple thank you will suffice.” He says.

“There are no fish left near the Island. I need to get out, just past the reef and then I can—”

“Rule number one: don’t interfere with the happenings of other worlds.” Axel puts a finger up and I roll my eyes.

“Dude, can’t we just stop and get her some fish?” I ask, wringing out my soaking shirt. “I mean, she threw a rock for us.”

“So do you want all of us to get chewed out by the Superior?” He asks me, and Roxas answers for me.

“No thank you.” He says. I sigh.

“Sorry kid. Better luck next time.” I wave at her as Axel opens up a portal and we disappear through it.

We walk through the darkness, me still with an arm around my middle. Roxas comes over and taps my shoulder, offering me a small smile.

“Are you okay?” He asks and I shrug.

“Just a flesh wound.” I say. He nods, though he doesn’t say anymore.

We come through to The Castle That Never Was and Demyx is in the lounge area, playing some sort of card game with Luxord while Marluxia, Xigbar and Larxene watch, Larxene with her feet tossed across Demyx’s lap—I don’t think I even wanna know-- picking at her nails. She looks up as we come through the portal, a catlike grin on her lips. 

“Awe, did the poor little baby get drenched?” She asks, cackling. I pout.

“Piss off.” I grumble.

“Oooh, what a witty response! It’s nice to see that Axel has quite literally fucked your brains out. What a complete idiot.” She offers me a nasty smile and I blanche before shooting Demyx a dirty look.

“Dick.” I glare at him. “That was supposed to be a secret.” 

“Sorry kiddo, but the only people it’s a secret to are the ones who purposefully try to stay out of personal matters. Case in point: our Nocturne.” Xigbar offers me a sly smile and suddenly I feel very exposed.

“I thought we were being reasonably subtle.” I look to Axel and he smirks a little at me.

“Of course, because you pounding on his door all hours of the day is the epitome of subtle.” Marluxia says in a voice smooth as velvet.

“Personally, I’m happy for our lovely couple.” Larxene says, all acidity and poison. “After all, it’s always so fun watching a heart break.” 

“Who says anyone’s heart is gonna break?” I snap at her and then realize how that sounds and make a face. “Besides, we’re not a couple.” 

“Call it what you want.” Xigbar shrugs.

“The only way it’ll end is in flames, Rueki.” Marluxia looks up to me, blue eyes peering out through heavy lashes.

“Well, this has sufficiently gone to shit.” I say with a really fake smile.

“Nah, it’s been loads of fun. But I’ve gotta see a man about a man about a horse.” Axel pats my shoulder and strides out of the room. 

A silence falls over the group as Demyx loses a round to Luxord, who is, a very graceful winner.

“Awe man, this isn’t even fun anymore.” Demyx sighs.

“Tough luck, I’m afraid.” Luxord shrugs.

“It’s not impressive though, per say. A Dusk could defeat number IX.” Marluxia rolls his eyes and Larxene throws her head back laughing. “Come, Larxene. We have better ways to spend our evening than this.” Marluxia says and to my surprise, Larxene stands right up, throwing her legs off of Demyx’s lap, stretching tall so that her joints pop. She sways over, past Marluxia, to where I stand and tucks a finger under my chin. 

“Maybe you should join us, if you’re ready for the real fun to start.” She leers and for a second I can’t breathe.

“She isn’t and she never will be.” Luxord says, not taking his eyes off of the cards he is shuffling. Larxene ‘hmmph’s indignantly and her and Marluxia trudge off down the hall.  
I wait until they are both gone to speak.

“She’s a little bit hot.”

Silence and then…

Xigbar howls out laughing.

“Now that I would pay to see.”  
\--  
I don’t know how late it is when Axel comes to get me, but by time he does, my clothes are dry and I am half asleep, lying in my bed, face pressed to a pillow.

“You asleep?” He asks and I roll over a little, looking at him through one open eye.

“Maybe.” I mutter. “Depends what I need to be up for.”

“Well that depends on whether or not you’re still being a mouthy bitch.” But he says it without malice, a smile flicking at the corner of his lips.

“I definitely am…But I might be able to tame it. How was the man you saw about the horse?” I sit up a little bit but Axel still stands at my door frame, leaning against it.

“Well, I got a few answers but mostly…It was completely unhelpful.” He says and I sit up completely, my face scrunched up.

“This have anything to do with the answers you needed about me?” I ask. He meets my gaze with an unreadable expression.

“Wanna go back to my room and talk?”

I do.

I clamber out of bed and over to him and we walk side by side through the hall, silent, not touching at all and that alone feels so odd, I begin to realize that if we’re not arguing or making sassy comments to each other, we’re fucking. My palms twitch and I reach out to grasp at the fabric of his coat, but I hold out until we get into his room and the door is locked behind us.

“So now that the cat’s out of the bag about us hooking up, should we show everyone how obnoxious we can be by banging against the wall and violating every surface of this castle?” I ask. 

“I like the way you think, Rueks.” He laughs.

“Sorry, by the way. About being a defiant pain in the ass earlier. You’re right, you’re the leader of these missions, but I feel like I have lost so much control of everything in my life, it was just nice to pretend that I still had control over something.” I sigh, throwing myself across his bed. He leans in to join me and wraps an arm around me, pulling me in so that we’re chest to chest.

“I get it.” He admits. “And I promise you didn’t hurt my heart for even a minute.” He winks.

“I think it’s your turn now.” I remind him. He raises an eyebrow. “To apologize.”

“Come again, sweetheart?” He snorts.

“I intend to.” I begin and before I can finish, he’s laughing, pressing his lips to mine. “But you called me names, and that’s kind of a dick move.” I say when finally he pulls away.

“And you’ve never called me any names?” He asks.

“Touche.”

“Well, I’m sorry that I hurt your heart.” He says, tapping my chest with a gloved finger. “And that I left a mark on you.” His hand strays down to my hip, and he pushes the fabric of my clothing aside to trace his finger across the marks on my hip.

“What the hell caused that?” I ask and he offers me a sad smile.

“Wish I could tell you. I’ve got a few theories but nothing that quite fits.” He confesses and I frown.

“You wanna elaborate?” I ask and he smirks.

“Definitely not.”

“You really are the worst.” I say, even though I am smiling.

“That’s not a very nice thing to say to the man who is about to give you the secret to unlocking memories of your past.” He teases, a fire in his eyes.

“Are you going to be giving me the secret to unlocking memories of my past?” I raise an eyebrow.

“No.” He admits, his hand moving up to grasp mine.

“Then what did you find out?” I ask. 

He is quiet for a very long time, so long I begin to think that he might not tell me, then he speaks. 

“We grew up together.” He says, fingers laced through mine. I try to think up some sassy remark but words have failed me, with him at such close proximity. “You, me and Saix.” I blink, looking at him with a quirked eyebrow.

“Wait, I knew Saix? You knew Saix?” I ask.

“Yeah, he was the one I went to meet with. To see if he remembered you. Things were a lot different back then.” He laughs, humorlessly. “You were younger than the both of us. I think you were only eight and we were both thirteen the last time we saw you. And damn, were you ever annoying.” 

“It’s nice to know nothing’s changed.” I smirk at him. He offers me a smile so warm, I think it might light me on fire. “Were you my idol or something?”

“Definitely not. You thought the sun shined out of your own asshole.” He teases.

“Sounds about right.”

“Some guy, Highwind something or other, he was a pilot, he was teaching you how to fly Gummi Ships.” He tells me and I wrinkle my nose.

“That early?” I ask.

“I guess so. Couldn’t even fucking pronounce ‘prodigy’ but you still called yourself one. You used to come running up to us, telling us how cool you were because you’d been inside a ‘real life Gummi Ship’. And I’d call you an annoying kid and tell you to get lost. And you’d call me a jerk and stick your tongue out at me, but every time you saw Saix and I wandering around town, you’d show up and follow us around.” He says and he releases my hand to toy with my hair.

“So what happened to me?” I ask. “Like why did I end up in Transmute City?” I ask, brow furrowed.

“I really couldn’t tell you, Rueks.” He confesses, running a hand back through my hair. I shiver from my scalp down to my toes. “The world fell to darkness. A lot of the inhabitants ended up in ‘in between’ worlds. If they didn’t lose their hearts along with the world.” He frowns.

“You lost family?” I ask and he shrugs, kind of half heartedly.

“Probably. I don’t remember everything about back then.” His face doesn’t soften.

“So you’re missing stuff too.” I chew my lower lip.

“Yeah, I guess so. Nothing like you though.” He says.

“So then is that why Saix seems to like…really hate me? Or is that normal? Like was I that annoying of a kid?” I ask and to my surprise, his face grows even harder.

“Whatever he remembers, he won’t tell me. Believe me, I tried.” He laughs again, mirthlessly. “All I get outta him is ‘haven’t you wasted enough time with that girl to know she’s not worth it?’”

“What was our world called?” I ask and he lifts an eyebrow.

“Rueki, didn’t Demyx tell you?” He asks.

“Demyx told me a lot of things, you’re going to need to be more specific.” I remind him.

“Hollow Bastion. That’s what it’s called now, got it memorized?” He taps my temple and I blink.

“Is that why he asked me if it looked familiar?” I ask and his mouth becomes a hard line.

“Yeah.” 

“So that was on purpose then, that my first mission with him was there?” I breathe and suddenly the reality of the situation hits me, and hard. That world was my home once? It doesn’t seem possible. And why the hell is nothing ringing a bell in my mind? The utter frustration of it makes me wanna scream. I sit up, tearing away from Axel, curling a knee into my chest. He rolls over onto his back, folding his arms behind him. “You guys knew who I was before I did.” I mutter.

“I knew that I knew you the moment we pulled you out of the Gummi Ship fire. It took until two days ago for Saix to confirm what I had already figured out by then. And until today for him to answer any of my questions.” He nods.

“And that fucking dick didn’t bother to say anything to me?” My hands ball into fists.

“Or me. And he and I actually were friends.” His tone is quiet, dark almost.

“So why the hell did you only figure it out when I said Roxas was cute?” I ask, tilting my head to look directly at him. He bites back a smile.

“You were so annoying..” He shakes his head, and I can’t help it, I narrow my eyes, mouth pressed into a pout. “I mean seriously.”

“Dude, I get it.” I snap. He looks to me, grinning wickedly, like this is fun for him.

“But never were you more annoying than when a visitor came to our world. A boy, I don’t remember his name, but all you could talk about was how he was your Prince Charming, and he was going to whisk you away from our world.” He snickers. “The thing is…he looked so much like Roxas, when I brought the kid back to the Organization I had to do a double take.” 

I turn to fully toward him, legs still curled to my chest, and a thousand questions flood my mind. Who the hell was the kid from ten years ago that I thought was my hero? Why does he look like Roxas? Why does Roxas look like Sora? Is there a correlation between meeting the lookalike ten years ago and ending up in Transmute City? Does Saix know something Axel and I don’t?

“Does Saix recognize him?” I ask.

“No, I don’t think so. We didn’t talk to the kid for long, the only reason I remember him is because I remember how much I wanted to push you into the fountain in the town square when you talked about him.” Axel smirks, but I don’t lighten up.

“You didn’t mention anything about him looking like that boy to Xemnas though?” I ask. Suddenly, Axel’s face grows hard.

“No.”

“Why?”

“Rueki,” He sighs. “How much do you know about the Organization?”

“That there are thirteen of you and you live in this shitty world with a white castle and black robes.” I say. “That you’re assigned numbers and can summon creatures and portals and have power over elements.” 

“How much do you want to know?” He asks, and I pale.

“As little as possible. Saix already said that I know too much to ever get free…I don’t want that to be true.” I confess.

“You know it is though, don’t you?” Worry creases his brow for just a split second and I am so overwhelmed by that feeling that I look down at my feet.

“Well that’s…you’re gonna help me one day.” I say.

“Oh, am I?” He leers and I glare up at him.

“Yeah, you’re gonna drop me off in some world and forget all about me. Tell them I ran away or died or something. I need you to, I can’t stay here forever.” I insist.

“Why not?” He leans forward and grasps my chin in his hand, tilting it up so that our noses are almost touching. My breath hitches.

“I’m not one of you, I’m never going to be.” I promise. He makes a face that I can’t quite read.

“And what makes you think I’m gonna let you go. Just when I’ve found out that the annoying girl that used to follow me around grew up to be a real ten.” He offers me a wink and I bite my lip.

“Don’t make this weird.” I insist, giving him a shove. He catches my wrists in his hands and holds me like that. “You can come with me.” 

“You seem to think it’ll be a lot easier than it actually will, Rueks. The Organization isn’t going to let a star member like me get out without a scratch, got it memorized?” He cocks his head to the side.

“Then,” I decide “maybe I’ll just have to kidnap you.” But even as I say that, he leans over me, hands locking around both of my wrists. He pushes me down, onto my back, climbing on top of me, his mouth finding my throat with familiarity.

“That’d be a sight to see.” He teases, drawing the skin of my neck between his teeth, rolling it gently back and forth. I gasp, arching my back up into him, yanking my wrists free.

“Just wait.” I breathe, using this new angle to yank off my shorts and panties. How I am constantly hungry for him, I do not know. Before I can reach my shirt, he’s got his mouth on my collar bones and then…the zipper of my shirt between his teeth. I watch, mesmerized as he slides my zipper down. Completely undone, he pushes my shirt aside and dips his tongue into navel. The new touch sends a jolt up my spine, and I suddenly feel him smirking against my skin.

“Oh sweetheart, you just make this too much fun for me.” He chuckles. His broad hands grip the top of my thighs, and he guides me as he slides down my body, tongue dragging down my hip along the tops of my thighs. He takes one of my legs and sets it upon his shoulder. My heart leaps into my throat, my whole body clenches. He is going to break me.  
I wrap my other leg around his shoulder as his lips dance across the skin of my thighs, sucking, leaving wet, red marks in his wake. He brushes his thumb over the lips of my pussy, his green eyes blazing into mine.

“Do you want this, Rueki?” He breathes, purposefully sending a wave of hot air against my clit. My hips buck, involuntarily as I clutch his sheets between my fists.

“Fuck you.” I whine.

“Tell me, sweetheart.” His lip grazes my overheated clit, he places a kiss against my mound. “Tell me how bad you want this.” Damn him.

“I want it so bad, Axel, please.” I choke out, my body tensing from head to toe, as though my very being is holding a breath, waiting for him.

“Why, baby?” He’s never called me that before, and the new pet name sends a jolt through my limbs, lighting me up in a way that I didn’t know I could.

“Because you’re so fucking hot, and so good at this and I want you so bad.” I beg, watching as he starts to part the lips of my pussy with his index and middle finger. “You’re so fucking perfect, Axel.” His eyes, which were focused on my cunt have now flicked up to mine.

My entire world stops spinning.

Suddenly, he licks a wide, thick band across my clit and I throw my head back, my entire being finally exhaling.

“Axel.” His name is like gospel on my lips as he flicks his tongue—so hot and wet—against my clit, latching onto it, sucking it between his lips and then releasing it. He sets a new rhythm, teasing my clit with delicate strokes, sliding in circles around my nub.

“So wet, just for me.” He breathes against my skin and I shiver, stilling only when I feel two gloved fingers slide into my pussy. The sensation is foreign and delicious, and I sigh, breathing out his name. His fingers pump and scissor inside of me. I arch my back, trying so hard to hold on, my muscles are drawn taught like the strings of a violin, but Axel plays me so well, that I am singing his praises in a matter of minutes. Between the fullness of his fingers and the feeling of his tongue, teasing at my clit, I am helpless. He sucks my clit between his lips, his eyes on mine and I come undone, crying out his name.

His eyes never leave mine as he comes back up, on his knees, licking his lips. He removes his fingers from me and yanks off a soaked glove with his teeth.  
“What a shame, that was a perfectly good glove.” He smirks, a glint in his eye, as he removes his coat. 

“That’s what you get for being generous.” I sit up and move as close to him as I can. My hands fly to the button of his pants, tearing them open, yanking his boxers down with them, only satisfied when his cock springs free and hits my belly. I throw my arms around his neck. I taste myself on his lips, so I spread them apart and slip my tongue into his mouth. He’s got his hands wrapped around my thighs again, so when I break free, I breathe “On your back.” As an order. He grins.

“Whatever you want, Rueks.” He leans down and I waste no time, moving to straddle his hips. He barely has time to kick off the rest of his clothing before I sink down, completely soaked, onto his thick cock. “Shit.” And he loses control instantly, hips snapping up into mine, slamming into places that I didn’t know existed inside of me. I tighten around him, resting my hands on his chest while he grips my hips and fucks into me from beneath. My fingernails bite into his skin as my face flushes. I rock my hips in time with his, and the rhythm we settle into is brutal, breathtaking, blinding. Neither of us can form words, or do much beyond pant and grunt. I start to feel the world shattering, breaking, sputtering into nothingness and I don’t care. I feel myself contract around him, tighter than I thought I could. For a second, I don’t know what more I can take and then—I snap.  
I come, gasping, shaking, my vision turning to a pinprick. My whole body vibrates, my muscles contracting in violent spasms and 

I squirt.

Before I can even process what has happened—which is very new, and my first though is embarrassment, because Axel and I are now both wet-- he curses.

“Oh fuck.” And cums almost immediately after me, breath ragged, his cock pulsating inside of me. He fucks out the rest of his orgasm inside of me, his hips moving in a jagged rhythm as we come down. When finally his movements still, I heave a sigh, leaning down to rest my head against his chest. Without hesitation, he wraps his arms fully around my waist, the fingers of his ungloved hand are hot as they dance along my spine.

“I’m sorry, I—that’s never happened, I didn’t think…I’ll do your laundry if it made a mess or—” It kills my pride to even suggest doing his laundry, but he doesn’t let me talk too much longer. He grabs my chin and presses his lips to mine.

“You do not need to apologize for that. Got it memorized?” He breathes and I catch myself laughing, smiling so hard that it pulls the skin of my lips tight.

“Wanna go again?” I ask and this time he laughs, throwing his head back against the pillow.

“Sweetheart, I’m twenty three now, I can’t keep up with eighteen like I used to.” He ruffles the hair on the top of him head. 

“Sounds like you’re getting lame in your old age.” I grin, rolling over onto my back. To my surprise, he grabs my hand in his and I have to close my eyes to try to stop from smiling like an idiot. Again. What have I turned into? And then, before I can catch myself, the words flood out of my mouth. “Can I sleep here tonight?”

He is silent for what feels like an eternity.

“Yeah.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited the layout on these past two chapters for you guys, because I love and cherish you. I hope it was worth it, cuz it was a pain in the ass.

IX.  
I sleep better than I have slept in months, curled in a ball, Axel’s chest pressed against my back. His skin is burning hot and under the blankets, I am a sweaty mess. I don’t dare move though, not when his arms are wrapped so tight around my waist and his legs are tangled with mine. I hold my breath and for a moment, in my groggy state, I think of how Del never held me like this. And even if he did, I wouldn’t have wanted him to.

Oh help me, I am a mess. 

And rebounding. Probably.

Axel tugs me in a little closer and I realize that he is starting to wake behind me, because I can now feel his cock press against my ass.

“Good morning, Rueks.” His teeth nip at my earlobe. I whimper.

“I told you, don’t call me that.” I remind him, but I don’t stop him as he starts to grind his hips into my ass. His lips trail down the side of my neck and his hand comes away from my waist, sliding down my abdomen, lighting a fire on my skin. I shiver into his back and he meets my movements by holding me tighter, kissing my shoulder. His fingers dip lower trailing between my legs and I moan, wantonly as he starts to tease my clit. 

“You’re so wet already.” His breath is hot on my neck, and he’s right, I am. I feel his cock, hard and nudging at my cunt. I rock my hips a little and sink back onto him. Axel groans, grabbing my hips in his hands. He slams me back onto him once, twice, another time. I choke, my throat catching on a moan as I throw my head back, narrowly avoiding slamming my head into his. I rock my hips back into his and at the change in my rhythm, his fingernails start to bite into my skin.

“Axel.” I whine, grinding my hips into his as he pounds into me. His breathes, hot and heavy, against my skin and I can feel his motions start to slow. I shiver violently, feeling his cock completely withdraw from me and then thrust back in. The sensation is exhilarating and wakes up every one of my nerve endings. His hands slide back down to play with my clit and I come, clenching around his cock. 

“Fuck, Rueki.” He groans into my skin, his release following mine immediately. He laughs and I feel him throw his head back, against the pillow.

“Good morning to you too.” I giggle and once again, his lips return to my shoulder.

“We should wake up like that more often.” He says and I have to admit, it certainly was not the worst way I have ever been woken up. I can feel him starting to go soft inside of me, but his arms are still wrapped around me and I’m not going to move if he isn’t. 

“Aren’t you going to bitch about us being late for our mission or something?” I ask. Behind me, he snickers.

“Real sweet words for the man that just made you come.” He teases.

“I’m sorry, would you like a prize?” I ask.

“I’ll let you buy me ice cream today.” He offers. I roll my eyes.

“What a joy.” I reply.

\--

I wake up one morning in a frenzy, because with Axel snoring by my side, it is incredibly difficult to pull myself out of bed.

“Shit, Roxas is going to be at the door in like minutes dude, do you even realize what time it is?” I ask, scrambling out of bed to grab my shirt. He looks at me, peeking one eye open.

“You afraid to traumatize the kid or something?” He asks and I huff.

“Dude, he’s barely even coherent, I don’t want his first memories to be us, naked in bed.” I insist and he throws his head back laughing.

“Is that a hint of motherly instinct, I detect?” He asks and I roll my eyes.

“No, it’s a hint of I like to keep my private life, private. Though your abundant lack of subtlety has mostly ruined that.” I remind him.

“Says the girl who spent hours sitting outside my door.” He teases.

“Only cuz you were being a dick and I don’t tolerate that shit.” I remind him, putting one leg through my shorts.

“Sweetheart, why’d you have to ruin a perfectly good morning by putting clothes on?” He asks.

“Because in case you missed it, we usually leave for missions around this time.” I grumble. He snorts.

“Look at you, you’d think you’re an honorary member the way you’re acting.” He grins.

“No, I’m just impatient. And you’re still naked.” I set a hand on my hip.

“Is this not how you’d prefer me?” He smirks. I roll my eyes.

“Not the point.” I reply. “Get up.”

“Now Rueks, why would I want to do that on my day off?” I freeze right there and then after a moment, turn to throw him some major side eye.

“Day off?” I ask and he shrugs, sitting up, blankets sliding down his torso and dear Twilight, I do not think I will ever get used to how beautiful he is.

“Yep. Every so often we get those, got it memorized?” He asks. 

“And when, pray tell, were you planning to let me know that we have the day off?” I ask.

“Probably when you took off running down the hall to go wake Roxas up.” He confesses. 

I barely resist the urge to grab my shoe off the floor and throw it at him.

\--

I lean against the guard rails of the clock tower in Twilight Town, an ice cream stick dangling between my lips, the sun setting, vibrant orange in the sky.

“Tell me a story.” I say to Axel, who sits behind me, leaning back, staring more at my ass than the setting sun. I set my stick down on top of the guard rail.

“What?” He laughs and I turn to him, offering him a smile.

“About when we were kids.” I try. He scratches his head.

“C’mon, Rueks, I dunno, what do you want me to say?” He offers me a sheepish glance and I turn to look at him, elbows resting on the guard rail. “Hey, you’re blocking the view.” He teases and I know it’s not the sun that he’s referring to. I kick his knee, but he catches my foot half way through.

“I dunno, I just wanna know about the past.” I confess. “Before coming to your world, I didn’t remember anything. I mean I still don’t. But now that I know you, someone who does remember me…I don’t know I just wanna know everything.” I sigh, sinking down into his lap. He shoves his hands into my back pockets.

“Is it hard?” He asks.

“No, not yet, but I’ll get it there.” I grin, rocking my hips against his. He leans me back so that my head is dangling through the gaps on the guard rail and I can no longer grind on him. “Hey!” I cry out and he brings me back up.

“Stop being so thirsty.” He kisses my cheek. I make a show of wiping my face. He removes his hands from my pockets and takes my wrists in his hands, pinning them up behind my head, against the guard rail. “Is it hard to not remember anything?” He asks. I roll my eyes.

“That’s what you get for being vague.” I remind him. “But no, not really. I mean, sure I want to know everything. But you can’t really miss what wasn’t there to begin with.” 

He keeps me there like that for a long minute, hands above my head, before seeming to decide he’s punished me long enough. He releases me and we wrap our arms around each other, me with my head tucked under his chin, feeling the warmth radiating off of him.

“Is it hard having to remember everything?” I finally breathe.

He never answers that. Instead he plays with my hair.

“I used to want everyone I met to remember me.” He starts and I nod, head still tucked underneath his. 

“Inside other people’s memories, you can live forever.” Such an odd statement, I don’t even know where it came from, but the words sound right as they fall from my lips. Almost the second I close my mouth, Axel grabs my face in his hands, bringing me up to eye level.

“What did you say?” His words are breathy and urgent. I blink.

“Just that if you make sure that everyone remembers you, you can become immortalized in their thoughts.” I offer.

“No, the exact words.” He urges, and to be honest, I’m surprised by how well I remember the words.

“If everyone you meet remembers you, inside other people’s memories you can live forever.” I recite.

He doesn’t say another word to me the rest of the time we’re on the clock tower, but he also doesn’t stop smiling.  
\--  
“Have you ever loved anyone?” He looks at me with intense eyes, head tilted to the side. I’m covered only in his arms and being chest to chest makes the weight of his question that much heavier. But I know the answer already.

“No.” I say, flatly. “What about you?” Though I catch myself hoping for a very specific answer and I mentally chastise myself. It’s way too early for that, and this is not going to lead to that. This is fun, this is easy, it’s not love and it never will be.

“Nope.” He says with the pop of his lips. “What about your boyfriend from home?” He asks and I scoff.

“Del was the best of a bad situation.” The words are certainly a lot nastier than I mean them to be.

“Ouch!” He laughs, tapping my nose with his finger.

“I didn’t actually mean that. I dunno, we were friends forever and he looked at me like the sun shined out of my ass, and he was cute. So when he asked me out, I was down, because it just seemed like that was the natural progression of things.” I shrug.

“So what happened?” He asks and I laugh.

“You mean besides me catching him and Amaya tearing each other’s clothes off?” I smirk. “To be honest, I think I realized I was outgrowing both of them a long time ago, nothing seemed to mesh right, especially after Amaya’s accident. Everything in Del’s eyes was all about her, he really wanted to play Doctor to her and thought it was our fault. But I’m not dumb or masochistic, we weren’t the ones that attacked Amaya, it wasn’t our fault. I guess he just didn’t see things clearly and it started to drive me nuts. It kind of came to a head when Sora landed in my world. Damn kid got more of my boyfriend’s attention than I did…And I think that’s what the basis of our relationship was. He liked that my past was a mystery and I liked getting attention.” 

Axel looks over me for a long moment, his fingers finding my hair, twirling through the ends.

“Does that make me a bad person?” I ask and he laughs.

“I don’t think I’m allowed to be the judge of that, Rueks.”

\--

My limbs ache. My body is heavy. I’m bleeding and my head is throbbing. Axel isn’t in much better shape, hunched over with a dislocated shoulder and a tear in his coat. Roxas, however was in the worst shape and it took quite few potions to even get the kid comfortable enough to lay down in his own bed. Now, in the safety of Axel’s room, we have our own injuries to worry about.

“Lay down on your back.” I order him, he doesn’t even have the energy to disagree. He lowers himself onto his bed.

“Now might not be the time for any funny business, sweetheart.” He offers me a weak smile. I pout and grab his hand, rotating his arm out before pulling. “Ahhk!” He cries out, but I can’t get a proper amount of traction. I prop one foot up on the bed and use that leverage to yank a little harder until I feel his joint click back into place. He cries out even louder as it settles fully and I heave a sigh, throwing myself down onto the bed next to him.

“You’re welcome.” I grumble.

“I didn’t say thank you.” He reminds me.

“The hell did we have to go back to Oz for? We already learned that the Wizard was a fraud.” I mutter, assessing the cut on my arm. It’s big, but not terribly deep and is only bleeding a little bit still. It won’t need stitches. Probably.

“You saw that witch though, she’s a nasty piece of work.” He sighs and I whimper.

“That’s putting it lightly.” I lean into him, resting my head against his shoulder.

“You know, that’s probably gonna get infected.” He nods his head towards my arm and I nod back, head still against him.

“I know, I just don’t want to have to move anymore.” I confess. He sighs, scooping me up against the side of him that didn’t sustain an injury. I snuggle in a little closer to him, closing my eyes.

“Can we just stay like this for the rest of the night.” He asks and I smile.

“Please.”

It doesn’t dawn on me until much later that you can’t be casual fuck buddies unless you’re actually fucking.

\--

“You know, I might actually miss you if you weren’t such a pain in my ass.” Pretty ballsy to say to the girl whose stomach he just covered in cum, but being that I have to wait for Axel to wipe me off, I refrain from hitting him. For now.

“For the five minutes that we aren’t literally glued to each other’s sides? You’re sweet.” I say, with the obvious roll of my eyes. Axel’s got a dirty sock at hand and I huff, an eyebrow raised. “Seriously?”

“What do you want, princess? A maid service?” We make eye contact and my stomach backflips as I feel the brush of fabric wiping my abdomen clean. He leans in, setting an arm beside my head and I meet him half way, my lips pressing against his. I inhale, breathing in his scent before wrapping my arms around his neck. His lips pull away from mine, but I still hang on. Wrapping arms around my waist, he scoops me up and carries me with him. I bite my lip to hold back a giggle, he doesn’t need to know how delighted I am. “I’m leaving in a few days.” He confesses and I nod, a smirk playing upon my lips.

“Right, and you’re taking me with you. We’re going somewhere where your shit coworkers can never find us. But like somewhere big enough where I don’t need to talk to you unless I wanna bang it out.” He drops me to the ground and I land right on my tail bone. “Fucking asshole.”

“And that, Rueks, is why I’m not going to miss you.” He leans down, tapping my nose with his index finger. I climb up off of the floor, brushing myself off before I elbow past him, striding towards my clothes. 

“You know what makes you sound like an even bigger douche bag than you already are?” I ask. “Talking in riddles.” 

He snorts.

“The Organization, we’ve got another Castle in another In-Between World—Castle Oblivion. A few of us are being sent there.” He tells me and my brow furrows.

“When were you planning to tell me this?” I snap and I catch myself. I’m being rude, and a little bit dramatic, but isn’t this something I should’ve known a little more than a few days ahead of time?

“Rueki, I just found out today.” He sighs, knowing full well what is coming, and I do too, because I love fighting with him, the sex is always amazing afterward.

But there’s more to it this time. A lump forms in my throat.

“What’s going to happen to me?” What am I supposed to do without you?

“I think you’ll probably be paired off again with Demyx, after all, you were such a good Heartless wrangler.” He grins at me, but I glare. 

“You didn’t think to maybe discuss this with me before agreeing?” Don’t you realize I need you?

“C’mon sweetheart, you think I had a say in any of this? It’s more of a pain in my ass than anything.” Axel rolls his eyes and I start to put my clothes back on. “Rueki, c’mon.” He groans, coming to wrap an arm around me but I shrug him off.

“How long are you going to be gone?” How can you be so okay with leaving me?

“I dunno, a couple months I guess.” He murmurs, watching me dress with a stony expression. I pull on my shorts, shirt and shoes in complete silence and once my boots are finally zipped, I turn my back on him and offer a curt wave of my hand.

“Have fun.” I’m going to miss you so fucking much.

The sound of the door slamming behind me makes me want to scream. I stomp to my room all the while, hating myself, my stomach twisting. This wasn’t supposed to happen, there weren’t supposed to be any feelings involved. I’m not supposed to miss him even a little.

I’m not supposed to fall for him.

I don’t even wait long enough to see if he’ll come running after me. I sprint back to his room, burst through the door and throw myself at him. His hands tangle through my hair, I wrap my legs around his waist, he kisses me with so much intensity that I think his name may be seared into my mouth.

“We’ll have to make up for the time we’re missing.” I breathe between kisses.

“A few months is a long time.” He agrees.

\--

“You’re awfully attached.” Luxord says, in the middle of a chess match and I snort.

“Not really.” I try, even though he’s right, I know he’s right and it’s embarrassing because this is not how things were supposed to happen. Axel is annoying, Axel makes me want to pull my hair out frequently, Axel can have me on my knees begging him to fuck me one minute and in his face, threatening to slap him the next. Much as I hate to admit it, I feel more for him than I have felt for anyone in my entire life. And that is exactly the problem. 

“Love, you’re about as transparent as they come.” He insists. “Most women with hearts are.” 

“Talk to my ex. He says I’m a heartless bitch.” I reply with the wave of my hand. “Besides, I’ve got Axel eating out of the palm of my hand. Ego or no, it’s only a matter of time before he professes his undying love for me.” And then I won’t have to pretend I don’t feel the same anymore. Luxord’s face is still poker straight.

“Not likely.” He says, blithely.

“And why’s that?” I ask, leaning forward. He meets my gaze with a quirked eyebrow and a twisted mouth.

“Do you mean, aside from the obvious?” He asks me and I tilt my head.

“The obvious?” I ask. “You mean his pigheadedness?” 

He stares me over for a very long moment, his fingers resting on a chess piece. I try to hold his gaze, because part of me is starting to wonder if this is a challenge of some sorts, but finally he blinks and leans back, regarding me almost the way one might a stray dog.

“You don’t know, do you?” Which is annoying an unspecific and I swear can no one here talk straight?

“Dude, come on.” I groan.

“Do you know why we have assembled in this here Organization, in this world?” He asks.

“Because you hate yourselves and are content having the worst jobs ever?” I’m starting to get uncomfortable, my skin itches and it takes all of my willpower to not start picking at my cuticles. 

“Rueki, do you know what a Nobody is?” He asks me.

“Of course. Demyx and Axel have both summoned some. Dancers and Dusks.” I nod, but his hand falls away from the chess piece and I know instantly that I am in trouble.  
“When a person loses their heart to darkness, do you know what happens?” He asks. I frown.

“They die?”

“Not quite.” Which makes me feel incredibly stupid. “When a person loses their heart to darkness, the heart itself becomes a Heartless. A being purely based on its own instinct.”

“What happens to their body then? Their soul?” I ask.

“The soul is another matter altogether.” He says with a quick nod.

“And who is to say one even exists?” I shrug. He smiles, but only briefly.

“Who indeed. The body of a person who loses their heart to darkness becomes a Nobody.” He informs me. I nod, though the pieces aren’t quite connecting.

“So Heartless actually aren’t without hearts and Nobodies actually do have bodies..” I am trying so hard to keep my facial expression neutral, but really, there is a feeling of dread washing over me, and I can’t quite pinpoint why, but my heart is hammering in my chest. 

“Delightfully confusing, no?” He counters.

“Well at least it explains where the Dusks come from.”

“Among others. There are plenty of different classes of Heartless. You’ve seen Demyx summon Dancers, I myself can call upon a group called Gamblers.” He says.

“But where do the different classes come from?” I ask. He makes a face, though I can tell it’s taking all of his effort to even respond to me without that hard, blank expression.  
“The strength of ones heart before they lose it to the darkness. Dusks being the weakest of heart.” He says the words as though they weight a ton. “Would you care to wager a guess as to which beings had the strongest of hearts?”

I really don’t understand what he’s getting at. And I know that I look stupid because I feel stupid, but I sit there and blink at him until he sighs, looking away from me.  
“I’ll offer you a hint, only a very select few had strong enough hearts to retain their original bodies. And thirteen of us have assembled with a purpose.”

The world sinks immediately down onto my shoulders and I have to grit my teeth and clamp my mouth shut to keep myself from getting sick. I stand up, my entire body ice cold and numb as I push away from the table. My limbs feel heavy as I stand, as though they might drag me into the ground.

I will not cry. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to fucking cry over him.

“Rueki, love.” He tries, though he very clearly doesn’t know where to begin, and I can’t fault him. It must be hard having to sit here and feign emotion for my benefit. It must be difficult pretending to have a heart when you don’t have one. “I was under the impression that you were aware, I’m sure Axel was as well—”

“Don’t.” I shake my head, though the words sound like they are coming out of a stranger’s mouth and not my own. “This isn’t your problem, it’s mine.”

“Yes, but the last thing any of us need is you beating him to the point that he’s useless on missions.” Luxord offers me a half smile, and I can tell he’s trying to lighten the mood, but I feel no lightness.

“Sounds like the Castle Oblivion crew will have to make due.” I trudge out of the room, my ears ringing, the light feeling too bright. I ball my hands into such tight fists and am not satisfied until I feel my fingernails biting into my palms. Not for the same reason I wanted to feel the wind whip my skin when I caught Del and Amaya in the act though. I don’t want to prove to myself that I can feel something, I want to inflict so much physical pain on myself that I don’t feel anything.

I don’t even know what I plan to do, half of me wants to go to my room and break every promise I made to myself, to sink down onto the floor of the shower and cry, in heaves and gasps and sobs, to cry until my body is more broken than my heart. Part of me wishes I would’ve been smarter, more manipulative, told Luxord to open up a portal back to Transmute City and just let me go, that he owed me that much. But he has no heart to cloud his judgement, it probably wouldn’t have worked on him anyway. And I don’t want to go back to Transmute City. Even though I miss worrying if I was broken because I didn’t feel enough.

Part of me though, apparently outweighs the others. It is the part of me that needs to see him, to have him look me in the eye and tell me that this is true. Because until he does, I know that every fiber of my being will hold onto hope that he is the exception and does have a heart.

I find his room mechanically, not even thinking about the path to get there and I open the door without knocking. It’s not an out of the ordinary gesture, so when I do walk through the doorway and close the door behind me, he barely looks up from the potion that he is knocking back.

“Hey, sweetheart, I was wondering when you’d come back. I might need you to play doctor for a little while, you missed out on a real treat of a mission. Some damn Heartless knocked me around a little better than I thought it could.” He smiles at me sheepishly and I grip the side of his dresser, trying to keep my knees from buckling. Because that smile looks so real, the way it lights up his emerald eyes sends sparks to my heart. Sparks that he cannot feel.

“When were you going to tell me that you didn’t have a heart?” The voice that comes from my mouth still sounds hollow, wet, almost as though I have been crying, despite my still refusing to shed a tear.

Axel’s face suddenly grows serious, he sets the potion aside and looks up at me, gauging my expression for a minute. 

“Demyx said you knew.” He replies in a voice that is barely flickering, like a nearly extinguished candle.

“How the fuck would Demyx have known?” I don’t yell, I don’t raise my voice, I don’t even sound mad, just tired. Miserable.

“He said he mentioned all the time that we all didn’t have hearts.” He offers; I wrack my brain and I do recall him mentioning it in certain circumstances, but always lightly. Always in a way that I thought was a joke.

I’m so fucking stupid.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything to me?” I breathe. He stands up, moving away from his bed and toward me.

“Because I thought you knew, Rueki.” My skin crawls, hearing him say my name. 

“Don’t.” I shake my head, holding my hand out to signal him to stop. “Didn’t you ever…I mean didn’t you question for a moment…?” 

“Yeah.” He murmurs, looking away from me. “But we were friends with benefits, it was just supposed to be sex, all physical, nothing else.” As if I need the reminder. I can’t meet his gaze.

“Did you realize that it wasn’t anymore for me?” I can barely speak, my voice shakes with the effort to repress the tears. He takes a step closer to me and I turn away, wrapping my arms around my middle, in an attempt to hold myself together.

“Yeah.” His voice comes out barely audible and I throw my head back, snorting, because it’s the only thing I can do to keep the levee from breaking. 

“Then why the fuck did you let it continue?” I ask, running a hand back through my hair.

“It was just supposed to be sex. I thought you knew, I really thought you knew.” He repeats himself.

“That doesn’t somehow make it better.” I murmur.

“Rueki if I thought this was anything more than a rebound…” He tries before shaking his head. “I thought it was something you’d get over easily. I didn’t want to fault you for having a heart. Just because I can’t doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve to feel—”

“Fuck you.” I sneer, my breath trembling. “The only emotion I will ever feel toward you is complete and utter loathing. It doesn’t matter what I thought I felt before. I fucking hate you.” It doesn’t matter that he has control over fire, my tone is subzero. 

“Listen Rueki, if you don’t want to talk to me, that’s fine, but don’t start—”

“No, fuck you.” The words come out in a blizzard. “I don’t just not want to talk to you. I hope you fucking die in Castle Oblivion.”

I don’t give him the chance to say another word to me. I tear out of the room, praying that I will never see him again.

I find my way not into my room, but outside of the Castle. It is pouring rain, hammering down onto the streets, onto me. My shirt it drenched almost immediately after stepping foot outside, because as much as I wanted to wrap myself in Axel’s coat, in his very essence, or to run back into his room and take back everything I said, my stubbornness wins out. I will not crack, I will not falter. And I am still not going to cry.

I open my palms to the sky and stare up at its blackness with squinted eyes.

How unfair that I even crash landed in this world in the first place.

I take a step out into the world and then another, listening to the sound of my footsteps against the soaking pavement, and something about it is cathartic, therapeutic even. I laugh, a hollow, distraught sound. How twisted and karmic, I was so worried that I was cold, that I was emotionless, that I was heartless and hollow, that I had to run away from the only friends I had ever known. And then I end up here, in a world where the inhabitants are actually Heartless. I place my hand over my own beating heart and tear it away just as quickly. What I wouldn’t give for one of the Neo Shadows to appear and rip it straight out of my chest. Perhaps falling into the darkness won’t actually be painful. I remember hearing at one point in time that drowning was the most peaceful way to die, that after the initial struggle, when your brain loses oxygen, it starts to feel similar to falling asleep. I can’t imagine that submitting to the darkness would be too much different.

I find myself wandering the city, wandering alleys I have never been down, fingertips skimming the sides of buildings. I have sunk down against one when I hear a portal open to my left. I don’t even look up to see who it is.

“I don’t know what the fuck you think there is left to say but whatever it is, I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it.” I snap over the roar of the rain.

“Sorry, you’ve got the wrong guy.” Demyx’s voice sounds off and I snap my head up, my wet hair falling into my face as I look to him. The portal closes behind him and he treads over to me, crouching down in front of me.

“So does everyone in the castle know now?” I ask, lifting an eyebrow. He offers me a very weak smile.

“Pretty much.” He nods.

“You know for a bunch of people without hearts, you guys sure do care a lot about the affairs of one.” I roll my eyes and he cackles.

“What can I say, you make us all feel alive again.” He teases. I grimace. “In all honesty though, Rueki, I did tell you.” 

I don’t bother arguing with him, it’s not worth it and I am so worn.

“It is what it is. You’re not the one I’m pissed at.” Because he’s not the one I was fucking.

He’s not the one I was starting to…

“You know, I didn’t come out just to…you know, let you know that the news had spread around the castle.” Demyx confesses.

“No, I guess not. Sympathy requires a heart, hmm?” I raise an eyebrow. He offers a half smile.

“You got it.” He nods. From his cloak, he produces a notecard and hands it over to me. My mouth twists.

“What more could they possibly fucking want for me.” I grab the notecard from him. “Can’t you guys just kill me and get it over with?” 

He doesn’t seem to know how to respond to that.

The rain pounds on me as I unfold the notecard, I don’t take it as a sign. I’m beginning to wonder if I should start being a little more superstitious.

‘Accompany the group going to Castle Oblivion. The Keybearer awaits you’.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids, you're gonna be noticing a bit of a slowdown in production. Which roughly translates into 1 chapter a week instead of 2. Don't worry, they're still coming, but October was such a busy month for me, I didn't have a lot of time to write. And, to be honest, I got hella distracted with Daredevil Season 3, cuz I am trash. This chapter that I'm about to put up is probably the shortest chapter I'll write for this story ever. I ran into a bit of a plot block and hate posting random filler, I firmly believe every chapter should serve a purpose. But I couldn't make this one longer without turning it into useless nonsense.  
> Anyhow, enjoy

X.  
I don’t sleep at all.

I wrap myself in a cocoon of blankets, even going so far as to pile pillows on top of me, in an attempt to feel as though I’m being held. Try as I may, I’m unable to trick my brain. Still, I do not shed a single tear.

The minutes pass endlessly and not at all. Three times I get up to go lay beside Axel, to barge into his room and beg for forgiveness that he cannot feel. But I stop myself each time and wind up in the cocoon again.

Unsurprisingly, Axel is at my door, in the early hours of the morning. Or is it the late hours of the evening? He doesn’t knock, he doesn’t greet me, he just takes one look at me. We lock eyes and my stomach lurches. I clamber out of bed, zip up my boots, strap in my claw and follow him out the door, wordlessly. We walk, silently down a series of halls, me with my hands wrapped around my arms. I can feel the warmth radiating off of him and want nothing more than to crumble into him. For some reason, part of me expects something to be different about him since I feel so much different. But he still looks perfect. And I still feel like shit. 

We round another corner.

“So after all that, no smart comments left, Rueki?” His tone has a bite to it, I don’t look into his eyes.

“I don’t know what you want from me, I said what I needed to yesterday. Nothing’s changed.” Yes it has, everything has changed because I was heated but maybe this whole having no heart thing is something I can look past. 

“Really?” He enunciates, and I can feel his eyes burning into me. “I mean I wouldn’t want to stop you, you were on such a roll yesterday.” 

“Fuck you.” I say, dragging my teeth across my lower lip.

“You know, telling a guy you hope he dies, it tends to leave behind a bad taste.” He informs me.

“Wow, that’s unfortunate. Thank goodness that you don’t have a heart, I wouldn’t want to break it.” I offer him the most petty, fake smile I can.

“You are such a bitch.” 

That’s the extent of our conversation before we find out way into the lounge area, where Larxene is leaning against Marluxia, sprawled out on one of the couches. Vexen, Zexion and Lexaeus are huddled together, talking in hushed voices on the other couches. Axel and I enter the room and Larxene looks up, throwing her head back laughing. 

“And just when I was thinking this would be a boring place to hole up in! How lovely, we’re bringing a pet along.” She brings her hands together, her eyes sparkling with venom.  
“Fuck me.” I roll my eyes, defeated. I reach my hand into my pocket, feeling the folded up notecard.

‘The Keybearer awaits you’.

I sure hope so. How sad that some teenage boy may very well be my savior. 

“There is no time for your tasteless commentary, XII.” Vexen glares over at her. She rolls her eyes at him.

“Don’t be ridiculous, old man, the fun hasn’t even begun yet.” She seethes. “All I’m saying is this’ll be so much more fun now that our dear, dear Rueki knows the truth. We don’t need to pretend we have hearts to break. Isn’t that right?” She bats her eyes at me.

I might be a little bit thirsty for Larxene, this might be something I need to evaluate later.

“Can we just leave?” I ask.

“Yes, can we indeed.” Vexen glares at her again and hey, I never realized that these two can’t stand each other, that’s something. Or maybe it’s nothing, how can one hate without a heart? Are they feigning emotions for my benefit? Or because it makes their interactions more entertaining.

“Patience Vexen, after all, our honored guest has yet to make an appearance.” Marluxia says in a voice like honey. I want to ask questions, but I really don’t want anyone to make an allusion to my failed attempt at a relationship with Axel, so I decide that it’s probably best to keep my mouth shut.

We wait about five minutes before Saix starts into the room and I mildly want to die. If he is coming along for the ride, then seriously, I may have entered one of the circles of hell.   
“You kept us waiting, VII.” Zexion doesn’t look up at all and Saix just supplies a glare.

“Ahh yes, but this is well worth the wait, Zexion.” Marluxia suddenly has a Cheshire grin, but he’s staring past Saix, and I have to crane my neck to see just what he is staring at: A teenage girl, trailing number VII.

The girl has wispy, pale blonde hair and eyes so big and blue that I could maybe drown in them. She wears a simple white frock and sandals and has a sketchbook pressed to her chest, almost as though it is a shield. There’s no way she can be older than her mid teens and her frail form makes me wonder if she’s even younger than that.

“Naminé, what a pleasure.” Marluxia swoops into a deep bow, taking the girls hand from her mid section and pulling it to his lips. She blinks at him, with wide, petrified eyes, and my mom override kicks in.

“Dude, she’s just a kid, don’t be weird.” I put a hand on my hip.

“My apologies, I didn’t realize our prisoner was an expert in the art of relationships.” Marluxia looks at me, his blue eyes narrowed. I take a step forward, closer to the girl. He looks me over and chuckles, a haughty, condescending sound. “Don’t let her cherubic appearance fool you, Rueki. Naminé is a Nobody. She’s just as Heartless as the rest of us.” The girl, Naminé looks up as he says my name, her mouth forming a tiny ‘o’.

“Rueki. Sora knows you.” She says, her voice as delicate and breathy as I imagined it would be.

“And you’ll have plenty of time to catch up on that at Castle Oblivion.” Saix says, his eyes narrowed as he regards me. I hate the way he looks at me, like I’m dirty. Almost as though I am subhuman, which is funny, all things considered. I set a hand on Naminé’s shoulder, guiding her towards me, because even if she is a Nobody, she’s not an enemy yet, and really, being that I’m without Demyx and Luxord for the time being, she’s the best I can do. 

“Of course, thank you.” Marluxia says, perhaps a little too politely to Saix, which kinda makes me wonder what’s up there. Larxene shoots number VII a dirty look over her shoulder as Marluxia opens up a portal. 

\--  
Castle Oblivion is brown and thorny on the outside and blinding white on the inside. I wonder if perhaps the lack of a heart can cause one to act so incredibly predictable. From floor to ceiling, white marble, though this time with powder blue accents, it’s not much different that The Castle That Never Was. Xemnas sure does have a type. It’d be hella easy to lose Naminé with all of her fairness in a place like this. But my hand is still on her shoulder as we cross through the portal. Mostly because I want to know what she knows about Sora, but also a little bit because Marluxia hasn’t stopped looking over his shoulder at her, looking every bit like a hungry predator.

“You’ll find rooms assorted through all of the floors of the Castle. Feel free to use them to your liking.” Marluxia says, and I watch Vexen visibly get irritated.

“Where do you get off—” He starts, but Marluxia turns to him, a smirk lighting his features.

“Now, now, Vexen. Perhaps you may rank higher than me within the Organization. But need I remind you that our Superior himself made me Lord of this Castle?” Marluxia asks, a wicked glint in his eye. Naminé takes a step closer to me so that I almost have an arm completely draped around her shoulder. 

“Do you know nothing of this Castle?” Vexen demands and Marluxia laughs.

“Of course I know what the Superior plans for this Castle. My priority, however is the Keyblade Master.” He replies, blithely.

“So you intend to disregard the Superior completely?” Vexen spits.

“Of course not. Is it not crucial for us to collect Hearts for the Superior’s plan? Would it not be beneficial for us to use Sora as a tool to further our cause?” Marluxia asks, with a soft wave of his hands, as though he is conduction a symphony out of his words, and I have to admit, he does sound convincing. I collect his words in my head, with every intention to talk to Naminé later and hope to all hell that she knows what the Organization is up to with Heart collection and Sora. I’m sure I’m here to be used as a pawn to manipulate him, but fat chance on getting me to cooperate. 

“Let the man chase his fancy, Vexen. Wouldn’t you prefer the three of us conduct the investigation seperately?” Zexion gestures to himself and Lexaeus, barely peaking out from underneath his mop of hair.

“Very well. The three of us will occupy the lower levels while you five occupy the upper.” Vexen says with a wave of his hand.

“That’s really cool, I like that Naminé and I get a choice.” I huff.

“The Witch is nothing of my concern.” Vexen hisses. “And you should be grateful that you are still considered number VIII’s ward. You are worth nothing to this Organization outside of your ties to the Keybearer. Learn to hold your tongue, girl.”

“Fuck you, old man.” I snarl. 

“You insignificant, ungrateful little—”

“That’s enough with the name calling, old man.” Larxene grins, her eyes sparking as she takes a step between us. I can tell she doesn’t give a quarter of a shit about me, but rather intervened just to irritate Vexen. “We’re going to claim our rooms, and you are going to crawl back into your little cave where you belong, m’kay?” She asks, with an exaggerated gesture of her hands.

“You are a complete waste of a sentient body.” He tells her. She glares and ‘hmmph’s, indignantly.

“Come along now, Larxene.” Marluxia beckons. “Naminé, we would be more than happy to show you to your room, after all, we want our most honored guest to be quite comfortable in her chamber. Don’t we, Larxene?” The woman laughs, a humorless sound before stomping off, muttering something about men without hearts.

“I’ll show the ladies to their rooms. After all, I’m sure Rueki still has plenty to get off of her chest, don’t you sweetheart?” Axel asks me, fire in his voice and I just know an argument is going to ensue. He is, however a much better choice of an escort than Marluxia, so instead of screaming at him, I just itch my nose with my middle finger.  
I hope Sora will be proud when I tell him I used his move.

Axel leads us down a white hallway which is brightly lit. Naminé quietly shuffles along, I cross my arms to my chest. We walk for what seems like ever when Axel finally stops.

“Naminé, you’re on the left. Rueki, you’re on the right.” He says, gesturing to the two doors on each side of the hall, with a dramatic flourish of his hand.  
“Thank you.” Naminé breathes, tucking her head as she goes to retreat to her room. 

 

“By the way, Naminé.” Axel begins, holding a finger up. “Don’t fall for Marluxia’s pretty words. They may sound nice, but you don’t want to find out what’s lurking under the surface. Got it memorized?” He asks. She looks at him, chewing the chapped skin of her pink lips and I can see questions brewing behind her eyes—she’s so transparent—but she just nods before disappearing into her room, leaving me and Axel alone, again.

“Well this has been fun.” I turn on my heel to head to my room when I hear his voice sound off from behind me.

“Really? That’s all you’ve got?” And I’m surprised by how defeated he sounds. I flinch, because it almost feels like, for a second, that he gives a shit.

“What the hell more do you want from me Axel? Doesn’t this already suck enough?” I sigh, turning to him, my back against the door. 

His eyes set my skin on fire and my heart lurches in my chest. I can swear, I physically feel it shattering.

“You don’t get to just walk away, after saying everything you said, sweetheart.” He insists.

“And you don’t get to do any more damage, all things considered. So we’re done. This is done and we can just try to avoid each other as much as possible.” I offer. He looks me over with a tight mouth and narrowed eyes.

“You’re really okay with it? Just like that?”

No, definitely not. 

“It’s better than any alternative I can think of.” I shrug. “You can’t…The way I feel…There’s no further we can take this.” You physically cannot love me back, and I don’t wanna hurt any more than I already do.

“Rueki..” He may not be able to feel anything, but the look of hurt flashes through his eyes and for a second I wonder if he really doesn’t have a heart. He doesn’t, I know he doesn’t and any senseless hope will only make things worse. He reaches out to touch me. I flinch and hold a hand up to stop him but he brushes past it and grabs my shoulder. I inhale sharply. I am not prepared for how his touch affects me, but under his warmth, my knees buckle and I have to grab the door knob for support. He may understand why, he may not, but he can clearly tell that I am not stable on my own two feet anymore. He reaches out and grabs my other shoulder, holding me up, his torso pressed to mine. Our eyes meet and ignite.

“Stop.” I breathe, though my words don’t sound convincing, even to me. His face contorts, in a way that almost looks painful.

“Oh sweetheart, don’t you think I wish I could?” My heart leaps, almost as though it is revived by the mere possibility that he wants me still. But whatever want for me he has is physical, and although I don’t mind that aspect, I know that will never be enough for me. 

“You. Don’t. Have. A. Heart.” I say each word in its own beat, but my hand moves to grasp the fabric of his coat. 

Apparently I am a masochist.

“I’m trying to get it back.” He says, in a throaty voice. My eyes widen. “That’s the Organization’s entire purpose, Rueki. Complete Kingdom Hearts so that we can get our hearts back.” The words hit me like a ton of bricks and I hate it. It’s pathetic how hopeful I am. And yet…

I look at him, and don’t even care, for him, I’ll be pathetic, I’ll be a fool.

“You’re lying.” I try.

“Not this time, sweetheart.” Which begs the question, when has he lied to me and about what?

“Why are you doing this? You can find other people to fuck, it doesn’t need to be me.” I insist. “I can’t do this, Axel.” I’m so full of shit.

“Because for the first time…Damn, this sucks.” He shakes his head, mouth drawing into a small smile. “This is the closest I’ve come to…Rueki, we don’t have hearts, but we remember what it was like when we did.” He takes my hand and places it against his chest. He’s so warm and my skin prickles with delight. 

“You are such a fucking asshole.” Because I know where this is going.

“I miss feeling something.” He leans in so that his mouth is at my ear. “You don’t know what it’s like, feeling so empty all the time, got it memorized? It’s been almost a decade and I have to sit there and pretend that I’m okay with just having nothing? Too bad it doesn’t work like that for me.” 

“I fucking hate you.”

“Then you come along, and out of nowhere, it’s like everything that was missing—”

“Stop.”

“Well it’s not back, but out of nowhere, I remember what everything feels like. Emotions that I forgot existed, I look at your face and remember exactly how they feel.” He pulls away to look down at me.

“You’re such a bastard.” I choke out.

“That’s all on you though, sweetheart. You’re the one who makes me remember.” I am such a sucker. “And I am so addicted to feeling like I have a heart.”

And just like that, I throw my arms around him, lock my legs around his waist and let him press his lips to mine.

If this is hell, I am content to burn.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what the hard thing about writing this fic is? I am constantly multiple chapters ahead of what I'm putting out (that way in case I'm super busy one week or month, I can still produce content for you guys) and since, like I said in last chapter's notes, I really hate useless chapters, everything is so plot heavy things progress so fast. So like today? I'm putting out a chapter that takes place during COM, right? Well, last week I started working on a scene that won't take place until late in KH2, rubbing my hands together going 'damn these guys won't know what hit them'...and well, it'll probably take forever to get that out. Anyhow, I am not 110% in love with this chapter, so you guys get two this week. Thanks for helping me reach 100 hits in the first month. For a canon/oc fic, that's not too terrible. Keep leaving those lovely reviews, they warm my heart!

XI.

For the first time ever, Axel and I talk. Actually talk.

I sit in a chair, wrapped in a blanket while he lies in bed, creating flames on his fingertips and extinguishing them, and he tells me everything. About losing his heart to darkness, about joining Organization XIII, about the heart collection, about Roxas being Sora’s nobody and Sora’s heart coming back from the darkness. About the Keyblade and Kingdom Hearts. He tells me that Larxene and Marluxia are suspected of being traitors and he’s supposed to see if they are and sabotage their plan, though he doesn’t say how. He tells me they intend to use Sora as a pawn to collect these hearts and that it has been strongly encouraged that I be eliminated along the way. He tells me about Naminé, how she was created and the power she has over Sora and those around him. He tells me that Sora’s memories are gonna get toyed with along the way but that I shouldn’t worry because the kid will be okay in the end. He tells me everything and for the first time in these last two months, I feel as though I actually have an understanding of what’s going on.

“So what are you going to do then?” I ask, and I’m surprised that I’m talking about it with such nonchalance. 

“About?” He raises an eyebrow. I want nothing more than to cross the room and wrap my entire heart around him, but this distance between us is safe. And apparently I’m too much of a sucker when it comes to him. I need something to be safe.

“Me. You know, eliminating me. Sounds like you’re okay lying to your coworkers and fucking things up for them.” Not that I particularly like Larxene or Marluxia, or that we know they’re for sure traitors for that matter. But his willingness to wreak havoc on those he has known longer doesn’t exactly instill a lot of faith in my future.

“One of the perks of not having a heart, you know? It takes one to feel guilt.” He confesses, which doesn’t really answer my question. 

“Don’t you think you maybe love the whole being an enigma thing a little too much?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Again, takes a heart to love.” He taps his chest and lets the air still between us for a minute before he speaks. “I’m not going to kill you, sweetheart, you can quell your panic attack.” He finally says and I roll my eyes, trying not to make it obvious that I’m sucking in a breath of relief.

“What a gentleman.” I counter. He smirks.

“I know what you’re doing, you can’t fool me.” He insists. 

“I’m not doing anything. What are you going to do then if you’re not going to kill me?” I ask, looking pointedly up at the ceiling.

“You’re still doing it. When you get scared you either act like a bitch or try to change the subject. Sometimes both.” He tells me.

“I don’t do that, and you’re not answering my question.” I snip. He barks out a laugh.

“You’re a terrible fucking liar, Rueks.” But it’s not that, I can lie just fine. But not to someone I’ve let in so deep. I don’t respond to him, instead I continue looking at the ceiling until finally he heaves a sigh.

“I’m going to do what I tried to do for you before. I’ll open up a portal for you, somewhere unaffected by Heartless. You can live your life, have your adventures.” And I hear the words that he won’t say. I can move on. We have an expiration date.

I don’t know why, but something about this makes everything a little easier. This is a lot less difficult to stomach when I can visualize an end. We can keep fucking around with each other or we can just be cordial but I’m not going to be kept forever. I can find someone else that can feel the same way I do. He’s offering me the life I could never have with him. I hate how little it appeals to me.

“You’d do that for me?” I ask, finally looking to meet his gaze. 

“I already tried.” He shrugs.

“I should’ve taken you up on that offer.” I confess. He smiles.

“Toldja so.” What a dick. “I get it, you know.” He tells me and it takes me a second to realize what he’s saying, but the moment I do, I ball my fists into the blanket. No matter what he says, I know he doesn’t get it and that’s the problem. That pretentious, heartless asshole has no business trying to sympathize with me, I want to kick him out of my room, to get dressed and to tell him to go to hell. But something tells me, with this very small window of time we have left with each other, that if I say goodbye again, it’ll be for the last time. 

I’m not ready for that.

“Can you not?” I sigh. I guess there are two sides to this. No, he can’t understand what I’m feeling, but I guess I can’t understand what he is trying to make himself feel, just so he can ignore the empty ache in his chest. Or maybe I do get it, considering I was so afraid that I couldn’t feel anything back in Transmute City. To be honest, I don’t really know which of us has it worse.

“You know, you should stop bottling these things up. Makes for a hell of an explosion when things finally come to the surface, got it memorized?” He asks.

“Or, and hear me out, or…Eventually the feelings are snuffed out and I never need to deal with them again.” I say, with a shrug.

“Please tell me about all the times that that’s worked for you.” He smirks. I glare.

“I hate you so much.” But I don’t. The words fall between the two of us and eventually his smirk fades to a very weak smile. Maybe ‘I hate you’ will have to suffice for now.

“I know you do, sweetheart.”

\--

“Why does she have such red hair?” I lean over Naminé’s shoulder, looking down at her sketchbook and she flinches at my voice. Which makes me kinda sad, because the week we’ve been here, I’ve been trying to be so nice to her. And to constantly deflect Marluxia’s advances on the girl, because really, what the fuck? It makes me wonder if maybe his wants for her aren’t completely sexual and he’s just trying to manipulate her into doing his bidding in some way. Maybe Axel’s sources weren’t too off, maybe he and Larxene are traitors, eager to manipulate the girl into controlling Sora.

“Oh…I guess I don’t know.” Naminé tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“Who is she?” I ask. She chews on the chapped skin of her pink lips.

“Kairi.” I recognize the name right away, only because it hasn’t been that long since I heard it last.

“Sora’s friend. That girl he likes.” I nod. “The girl who’s heart you came from.” Naminé looks at me with sad eyes.

“Yes.” She says, as though it is a very dark, hurtful secret. I guess I don’t understand why. Even with all of these truths coming to light, I still feel as though I am in the dark, with only Axel’s words to guide me. 

“Are you sure you’re okay with all of this, Naminé? Manipulating Sora and all?” I ask her, because who the hell am I to judge what deals she has to strike to stay alive, but still... Her mouth twists.

“I…I don’t…” She struggles and suddenly, Larxene is right behind us, hand on her hip, her cackle in the air.

“Oh, does our little pet think she gets a say? That’s too cute!” She sneers. “Don’t mind Rueki, Naminé. She thinks that if she spreads her legs for people she’ll get a say in things. She’s even stupider than she looks.” 

“Dude, fuck off.” I sigh.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” She’s suddenly got me by the hair and has turned me to face her, pushing me so hard into the back of Naminé’s chair, that the girl topples over in it, falling to the ground. “You know, you should learn to watch your mouth, Axel isn’t here to tell me not to kill you. It’d be a shame if you suddenly came up missing.” She trails a fingernail down the back of my neck, with the hand that is not in my hair. Even through her gloves, I can feel it biting into my skin. I chomp the inside of my cheek to keep composure.

“Fucking do it then.” I roll my eyes. She twists the hand that is already woven through my hair and yanks. I crumple backwards and grab onto the chair, trying to hold steady.

“Don’t tempt me, sweetheart.” She hisses, lips at my ear.

“Only Axel gets to call me that. And only because I’m fucking him. Which come to think of it, is kind of funny, because he really doesn’t seem interested in getting near you with a twelve foot pole. Tough luck, I guess being an absolute cunt isn’t working for you.” Her hold on my hair only releases so that she can slap me hard enough to knock me into the ground.

“That’s enough, Larxene.” Axel’s voice sounds off and from where I’m lying on the floor, I can see him upside down, at the doorway. Naminé is huddled into a ball, looking too afraid to move.

I push myself back up to my feet and bat my eyes tauntingly at Larxene.

“Stupid slut.” She hisses.

“Sticks and stones.” I grin.

“Oh, is that an invitation to break your bones.” She growls and I watch her shoulders start to curl, like a wild animal.

“Why do all of you assholes talk such a big game and then—”

“Rueki.” Axel grabs my arm and yanks me back behind him. 

“Awe, put back on the shelf, little dolly.” Larxene laughs. I open my mouth to say something back, but Axel turns to me and puts a finger to my lip.

“Listen sweetheart, there really is a time to learn when to shut your mouth.” He whispers.

“I don’t want her to win!” I whisper back, my gaze still narrowed on her. He shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

“One of these days, I’m not gonna be there to shut you up.” He reminds me.

“By then, hopefully I won’t be dealing with a group of people without hearts.” I say. He looks at me with a furrowed brow. He opens his mouth to say something, but an empty noise comes out and he heaves a sigh, probably struggling with what to say back to that, and of course I take a small bit of pride in knowing I’ve left someone speechless. But there’s something a hell of a lot less satisfying when a look of pain crosses Axel’s features.

Suddenly, behind us, Naminé gasps. We turn around to look at where she is now seated in her chair, once again. Larxene is still standing by with arms crossed to her chest.

“Sora is back. From his first memory world.” Naminé breathes, and that is going to take a minute to get used to—her being able to sense him and all.

“Figures, no wonder Marluxia is still gone. Probably wants to have some fun with his new toy.” Larxene smirks. I look to Axel, a look of anxiety flashing across my face and he barely looks at me long enough to process it, but he seems to pick up what I’m putting down—that Marluxia might do irreparable damage to Sora.

“Well that’s not fair.” Axel tells her with a grin. “Leaving the rest of us out of the fun.” She looks at him with a predatorial gaze before striding over, swinging her slim hips, dramatically. Only acknowledging me to nudge me aside, she reaches Axel and tucks a finger under his chin, looking at him through thick lashes.

“Why don’t you go join in then, hmm?” She asks. He raises an eyebrow and offers me a questioning look. My expression must be somewhere between aroused and pissed, because he just offers me a small smile and brushes her aside with the wave of his hand. I watch her jaw literally drop.

“I think I might.” But there’s no might about it. He offers me a cautionary glance before opening a portal and stepping into it.

Larxene wheels around, a deadly look in her eyes.

“Don’t say anything.” She hisses.

“Honestly, I was just gonna say I’m surprised that didn’t work. Cuz even I’m a little turned on.” I confess. She blinks, comically at me before shaking her head and stomping out the door. 

Naminé looks at me from behind the cover of her sketchbook, and as I turn back to her, I catch her. She quickly looks back down and chews on her lip again.

“She’s a bitch, but really, she is hot.” I shrug. Naminé doesn’t even giggle. Instead she just scribbles a little more furiously. “She hits hard though.” I rub my cheek, which I swear, must still have her hand print embedded into it. 

“I’m sorry.” Naminé barely whispers, eyes never coming up from her drawing.

“About?” I lift an eyebrow and come to take a seat on the floor in front of her. She gazes down at me.

“I didn’t do anything, when you were fighting. You’ve been being nice to me, if I wasn’t so weak, I would’ve…I could’ve..” She shakes her head and I swear she’s gonna start crying, which makes me hella uncomfortable.

“Hey, don’t. It’s cool, I was egging her on.” I insist, waving my hands. Her eyes meet mine, misty. Fuck, she’s worse than Amaya was. “I’m just an asshole, I can’t help myself, when people wanna debate with me, I can’t not fight back.” 

“You’re not…That.” She says and I smile a little bit, wondering if Naminé could even swear if she tried.

I offer her a smile and she returns to her pictures. I watch, head tilted for what seems like an eternity. And well, to be honest, she’s pretty fucking terrible at drawing, but she’s a kid and she’s sweet and incredibly sensitive for someone without a heart, and was probably held captive by the Organization for Twilight knows how long, so I don’t even make a sarcastic comment at her. I don’t even say anything until I hear the clicking of boots behind me.

“Your turn to greet the Keyblade Master, Rueki, he’s just reached the forth floor.” Marluxia stands at the doorway, his eyes on Naminé and my skin crawls.   
“I’m gonna hang out here.” I say, stubbornly.

“I’m afraid you’re implying that you have a choice.” He tells me, and then in a tone like butter, says “if I have to, I will drag you out by that pretty, pretty hair of yours.” My scalp is still tender from Larxene’s hair pulling.

“I’ll be back soon.” I tell Naminé, squeezing her hand. She offers me a nod and I stand, turning to Marluxia. “You gonna at least open up a portal for me, or do I have to run down all those flights of stairs?” I ask. He waves his hand an opens a portal.

“Despite your rudeness.” He replies. I shrug and disappear into the portal. This time, the darkness isn’t completely disorienting, at least not compared to the feeling that I just went down ten floors in a few seconds. It’s like an elevator but a thousand times worse and I all but stumble out of the portal, grabbing the wall for support.

I hear the laughter of Sora, Donald and Goofy before I even see them. They come up the staircase and appear in the blinding light.

“Rueki!” Sora’s eyes go wide the second he sees me, and he and the other two sprint over to me.

“What are you doing in Castle Ahbliva…Obvio…” Goofy seems to be struggling.

“Oblivion!” Donald huffs.

“Yeah! Last time we saw you, you were saying goodbye, in Transmute City.” Goofy says. “Is that the next memory world?”

“I’m pretty sure you still have other cards to play with. But I dunno.” I shrug. “I’m just the welcoming committee.” 

“I thought that first guy in the coat was?” Donald asks. Marluxia. Right, probably didn’t offer them his name, what a douche.

“No, he’s an asshole. Pretend he doesn’t exist, it’ll really piss him off.” I say with a shrug. “He’s got a big head on him. But still, I’ve worked with worse.” And I feel almost dirty, knowing very well what I have to do. I remember the script Axel gave me. ‘Play the villain, egg Sora on, encourage him to continue to shed his old memories, fight him if you have to, but let him win, it’ll be better for his spirit’. I guess better villain than victim, I don’t do damsel in distress.

“Wait, you’re working with them?” Goofy asks.

“But aren’t they the bad guys?” Donald pipes up. I offer a weak smile. 

“That’s a little to linear of a way to look at things, if you ask me. They’re my friends.” I shrug.

“What about Del and Amaya?” Sora asks.

“They let me know they didn’t want me around anymore. Thanks to you, I might add. But I took the hint, and found a new group, and a place where I belong.” Which is a gigantic lie, but a girl’s gotta do whatever it takes to survive, right? Besides, Sora will be okay, Axel even said so. And in this mess that I have made out of my life, I’ve gotta start taking the necessary actions to get myself free.

He looks at me with such a hurt look and dammit, how did I not realize that no one in the Organization has a heart? This kids emotions are crystal clear, I think I might’ve actually missed what it feels like to be around someone with a heart. My own nearly shatters. He seems to be piecing things together and I can see questions forming behind his eyes.

“What did I do? How is it my fault?” He asks.

“If it weren’t for the argument over your damn ship, my boyfriend and best friend might not have been angry enough to lash out. So angry that they decide the best way to hurt me was to throw themselves at each other. So thanks for that.” I say, in a tone that doesn’t fit how little I give a shit. But if I’m going to be a villain, I’ve got to have a rich backstory. Might as well prove to Axel that I'm not a terrible liar.

“That’s not my fault!” Sora tries.

“Because you’re so blameless? Not everything is black and white, kid.” I say.

“You don’t mean that.” He insists.

“I do. Sorry.” 

“Rueki, we can help you!” Donald quacks.

“This isn’t about rescuing, but thanks for the offer. It’s you guys that look like you could use some help.” I say, and finally, my tone starts to sound a little more sincere, because in all actuality, I would like to be helping Sora, Donald and Goofy. But it’s Axel that I trust to be pulling the strings behind the scene, setting things up so that they don’t crash and burn. Funny enough, it’s Axel that I’m betting on, and not this hero. “I’m here to tell you that you’ve got to keep going. You can’t be afraid of this Castle, because you won’t lose anything that’s important. You’ll just get rid of the dead weight. And if you keep going…Maybe you’ll be able to find her.” 

“Who are you talking about?” Goofy asks.

“Maybe you should ask Sora. Why do you think you’re forgetting so many things? You have so, so many memories buried underneath. And I thought I had amnesia.” I shake my head. This poor kid. I’m such an asshole. But I doubt me, him or anyone in his party have any chance at making it out of the castle if I decide to betray Marluxia’s plan. I’m not good at this, I’m too restless to play the long game, but this time, it looks like I have to.

“A girl?” Sora asks.

“Think about it.” I offer. He just scrunches his face up.

“I don’t remember anything…Rueki, what are you talking about?” Sora just looks at me with these broken, blue eyes and something about it is even harder, because I don’t see Sora anymore. I see Roxas. And that kid is such a doof, I can’t let him down.

I can’t hurt him. 

I want to tell him there was no girl and to turn back around. But I can’t.

“Try harder to remember, kid.” I say. He reaches out to me and I flinch, taking a step back, unprepared for any sort of human contact.

“You’re really my enemy now?” He asks. I release my hand from the card and he pulls it into his pocket. 

“Yeah.” I murmur. “Sorry.”

A heavy silence hangs over the group of us, Sora staring at me with these big hurt eyes, me trying to look anywhere but at him.

“We’re not going to let our friend turn, just like that.” He finally announces, summoning the Keyblade. I bite back a smile. If only he had crash landed in The World That Never Was with me, I could’ve used some of these heroics then. Things would be a hell of a lot different.

“So you’re going to beat me into submission? Real cute, kid.” I brandish Survivor in front of me and we enter the realm of combat.

Sora charges at me, and slams into me with a combo. He’s quick, but I’m quicker, I jump over the blade and kick him in the face, which is probably a little mean.

Nothing a potion can’t fix.

I land almost on top of his blade and use the closeness to my advantage. I swipe and knock him back with an upper cut, trying to stay right on top of him. I follow him, consistently dealing combos—uppercuts, slashes, kicks—until I knock him back further than I mean to. Fuck. 

He slashes at me and puts me into the ground. For a hunk of metal, that Keyblade does actually have a bite to it. I roll over just before he delivers another hit and jump to my feet, snaking my way around another series of attacks. He hits harder, but I’m faster on my feet, if I can just put enough distance between the two of us, I can cure myself and be fine. He smacks me once again with the blade and this time, I go flying, hitting the ground hard.

I charge at him, pissed. I know I’m supposed to lose this fight in the first place, but fuck this kid. Closing the distance between us, at top speed, I slash at him, once, twice, again and again. He goes to knock me back, but not before I deliver a swift kick to his stomach. I hit the ground but fumble for a potion from my pocket. Before I can get to it, he comes flying at me and knocks me back into the air and this time there’s no retaliation. I feel the blade slam into my midsection. He jumps into the air and delivers a combo that takes my breath away. I struggle to my feet.

“That sucked.” I’ve got my arm around my middle and am huffing and puffing. Sora doesn’t look like he’s doing awesome either though, to be honest. With anyone else I might feel victorious, with him I just feel like a jerk, especially after taunting him like the bully on the playground.

“You should come with us.” Sora pants. “You could travel with us, you don’t need to be on their side!”

“Ask me again next time I see you, I hear the third time’s the charm.” I retreat back into the still open portal and watch it close over my shoulder.

Axel is on the other side. Everyone is on the other side. Marluxia pacing with his arms behind his back, Larxene very pointedly mocking him and Naminé drawing. My most (and least) favorite redhead is leaning over the girl’s shoulder, watching her draw but upon hearing me stumble in, looks up. Unfortunately he’s not the only one who does.

“Awe, did the poor baby get hurt? Was the big bad prepubescent too much for you to handle?” Larxene cackles, probably bored from having to spend the past however long with only three people to harass.

“I’m so not in the mood.” Is what I offer her. 

“You have completed your task, I see.” Marluxia says, and I glare at him.

“Yeah, but maybe save the real harassment for those of you who don’t have hearts to give a shit. Sora has never done me wrong, I don’t like lying to him.” I say. Axel smirks and steps over to me, clapping a hand on my shoulder—hard. “Douche.” I nearly crumple and he laughs, but quickly grabs the top of my arm, supporting me.

“Sorry, sweetheart. Couldn’t help it.” He confesses. The others seem to have lost interest in us, and I take a minute to be candid with him.

“Sora’s strong. I mean, I already knew that, but damn, for being like five, the kid packs a punch.” I steady myself, but Axel wraps an arm around my shoulders. 

“Sounds like you’re not as tough as you thought you were.” He teases.

“Haha. Fuck you.” I say, even though I lean into him. “I thought I was in better shape than this.”

“Well, sounds like we’ll have to do something to get you blood pumping. What, oh what, could that be, I wonder?” A glint lights in his eye.

“Or we can nap and then we can spar. And I can kick your ass.” I offer. 

“Really now?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Yep.”


	12. Chapter 12

XII.

“You look like hell.”

“You had the advantage, dick.”

“Oh really?” 

“You have control over fire and you can teleport.” I groan as Axel tends to a wound on my arm. I didn’t ask him to, he doesn’t even seem to want to, but I don’t argue with him.

“Sounds like you should’ve nullified fire before you got this. I’m not itching to leave any more scars on you, Rueks, got it memorized?” He asks. I scoff.

“Yeah, keep it up, I’ll give you another one of these.” I trace the gash I left on his face and he offers me a sly grin.

“Little bit of pain keeps the spark alive, sweetheart.” He wraps the bandage around my arm tightly before standing up tall, stretching out his arms. 

“Not that we have any issue with that.” I say, but I’m chewing on my lip, because this feels too easy. This feels too good. I’m so damn selective with what I pay attention to, because whether I’m enjoying myself or not, he still doesn’t have a heart. That hasn’t changed, and neither should the distance I keep from him. I’ve gotten too close, yet again.

“You made me take a nap with you, I already told you that I’m not your boyfriend once before.” He taps my nose but seems to realize the second that the words leave his mouth, that they were not a good choice. “Sorry.” 

“It just sucks.” I confess. He looks me over for a moment, his eyes hard, his mouth a pathetic little half smile. 

“Yeah.” He agrees. “I mean for you, not for me.” He offers me a very amused grin, but I don’t return it. I just look up at him, face stoic, before heaving a sigh.

“We can’t sleep together anymore.” I tell him.

“Fine by me, you drool in your sleep anyway.” He teases, and damn, he really doesn’t know how to read emotions. 

“No, not that. But I mean, that too. We can’t fuck each other anymore.” I say flatly.

“You’d miss it too much.” He waves his hand at me.

“Probably.” I agree. “But…my heart can’t handle it. It’s too hard to separate things anymore.” 

He’s stony as he looks at me, but he nods.

“So just friends then?” He asks.

“No more benefits.” I confirm, but he comes to sit down next to me on my bed, close enough where I can feel the warmth radiating off of him.

“Well damn, that means I actually have to pretend I like you. Even when we’re talking.” He teases. I reach over and slug him.

“You’re such an asshole, you’re probably a pretty shitty friend.”

“Probably.” He agrees. “Speaking of friends, how’d Sora take it? You know, the whole you being an evil bitch thing?” He asks.

“Dude, obviously he beat the shit out of me.” I remind him. 

“Well yeah, the kid’s on high alert, he’s ‘remembering’ all kinds of crazy things, he doesn’t know what’s real and what isn’t. Of course you were gonna get beaten up.” Axel shrugs.

“Thanks for the warning then.” I roll my eyes.

“Eh, you’re tough. You handled him.” Axel says and I actually have to bite back a smile, because I’m a stupid girl with stupid feelings.

“He wasn’t completely discouraged though, he’s gonna keep fighting, if that’s what you’re wondering. He’ll be a good pawn.” I frown. He raises an eyebrow.

“What are you so worked up about?” He asks.

“Sora’s a good kid. He’s got a heart. He has people he cares about. And he literally saved my world. I still feel things like guilt.” I snip. He just rolls his eyes, because he knows better by now.

“He’ll be fine, Rueki. He’s the Keybearer, he’s resilient.” Axel insists.

“Yeah, says you.” I remind him.

“And you don’t trust me?” He offers me a feigned hurt look, but I just pout.

“No, I do, but that’s the problem. Cuz I know that I really shouldn’t.” 

He doesn’t disagree with me.

\--

I pick at the split ends on my hair, sitting against the legs of Naminé’s chair. She may even be a worse conversationalist than Roxas. Mostly, if I ask her too much about Sora, she cries. If I ask her too much about being a Nobody, she cries. If I make a comment about Larxene being a bitch she cries. And Larxene kicks me. Neither are particularly fun experiences, but hell, at least I can take a hit.

\--

Sora has moved up to the fifth floor. Larxene is getting restless, I haven’t seen Marluxia in days, a strange rumbling sounds off from the basement and I look to Axel for answers. He just shakes his head.

“Better not to ask, sweetheart.” 

\--

I beat Axel at a game of chess. He sighs irritably and looks at the wall. I don’t think he was actually trying in the first place.

“I could think of a lot better things to do with you than this, Rueks.” He informs me. I smirk because for the first time I’m actually holding up my end of the ‘no sex’ thing, and he seems to be under the impression that I’m not suffering. Little does he know I’m contemplating throwing the chess board aside and literally crawling across the table and onto his lap. Instead, I prop my elbow on the table and put my chin in my hand.

“You’re predictable. Is that what happens when you don’t have a heart?” I ask and he snickers.

“You should be at some of the meetings from before you and Roxas were around. All we ever heard about was how our heart collection results were unsatisfactory and we needed to step up our game. Talk about one track mind.” He shakes his head.

“Funny, Xemnas didn’t really strike me as the type desperate to get his heart back.” Not the way Axel is.

“To be honest, I don’t know how many members actually remember or even care what it felt like to have a heart. Sure, we may all have memories of our emotions, our physical reactions to them and all, but you’d be surprised, it seems pretty easy for everyone to get used to not having a heart. I don’t think anyone will actually care that theirs are back until they’re…you know, back.” Axel shrugs.

“Do you really think it’s the end all be all, just like that? Without a heart, you’re nothing but the second you get it back, you’ll be an entirely different person? Because some of the members, I can’t possibly imagine becoming warm and nurturing after getting a heart.” Larxene, Xemnas…Saix.

He seems to think about that for a minute. I don’t know if it’s nerves or habit, but he reaches out to wrap a strand of my hair around his finger. When he finally speaks, his answer is exactly what I should’ve expected.

“I dunno. Guess you’ll never have to worry about that, Rueks.”

\--

I beat Larxene at chess. She chases me around the board for all of fifteen minute, and she plays a lot like me. Aggressively, trying to end the game and claim victory as quickly as possible. But I know my own weaknesses well enough that I learn hers with ease. She chases me around the board, but she leaves her King completely defenseless. She thinks she has me cornered, a bloodthirsty smile on her lips and a spark in her eyes, when I say “Check mate.”

She looks over the board, eyes darting back and forth and when she realizes that I’m not just fucking with her, she screams and flips the board over.

Perhaps this is why Axel tried to stop the two of us from fighting.

“You are such a smug little bitch, Rueki. Just wait until your little friend is completely void of memories and we send him after you. Maybe that’ll wipe that look off your face.” Larxene snaps, before storming off, leaving only me with the fallen chess board to clean up. 

\--

I beat Marluxia at chess, and he’s far more difficult to beat than Axel—who surely wasn’t trying—or Larxene. He keeps a stony look about him at all times, his eyes barely even gracing the board, it’s like he’s ten steps ahead of me at any given point in time. There’s a point in the game where I wonder if he’s maybe borrowed a little bit of luck from Luxord, because he doesn’t seem to have a weakness. Until I am almost defeated. He’s had me in check the past three moves and while I’ve been trying to get my King away from him, I realize he has left himself defenseless. He’s been cocky, he thinks he’s smarter than me. So I attack. Four moves later, I have declared Check Mate and his jaw is on the ground. He looks everything over, and I see his lips moving, as though he is going over every single move I have made, over and over again in his head. He’s not happy, I can tell, but when he looks at me, there is something conspiratorial in his eyes, as though he is almost proud of me. 

He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

“You’re quite resourceful, Rueki.” He tells me. I shrug.

“My game got a lot better thanks to Luxord.” I admit.

“Even so, you could’ve easily been defeated many times, but you still found a way to emerge victorious in the end.” He’s never complimented me like this, but I can see how easy it would be to fall for whatever words grace his lips. I mumble an uncomfortable ‘thank you’, trying to avoid looking into his eyes, as though he is Medusa. “You know, Xemnas wants you eliminated.”

And I am shocked by how he says the leader’s name, with such utter distain, contempt, he doesn’t even call him ‘Lord’. 

“I know.” I look up, mouth firm, eyes hard, because if he thinks he’s going to somehow be my best friend now, he’s got another thing coming. He’s an idiot if he thinks that Axel hasn’t already passed this on to me. His face shifts, his perfect smile cracking a tiny bit before he rights himself. His mask is mended without more than a second’s effort.

“He thinks you have no purpose, outside of manipulating the Keybearer. In fact, were in not for your lover, Saix would’ve personally seen to your assassination, already.” He leans forward, hand tucked under his chin, staring up at me through his thick lashes. I clench my jaw, trying to keep my expression as steady as possible, because yeah, I know that I’m only around because of my past with Sora, but Axel never mentioned that he was campaigning to keep me alive.

“What sort of say does Axel have in my life?” I ask, in an emotionless tone.

“All of the say, apparently.” Marluxia smirks and I hate myself for giving in to him, for some reason I know this exchange of information between the two of us will not be free. “He has been doing everything in his power to assure that you make it another day. He even went so far as to tie his own life line to yours up until coming here. If you failed, he would’ve been eliminated as well. Do you think it was purely coincidental, the two of you being partnered up for missions and your being sent to this castle?”

“I thought I was just here for Sora, that’s all my mission card says.” I offer. He laughs, a haughtily, condescending, unpleasant sound.

“Oh sweet Rueki, fortunately for you, you’re very pretty.” He says.

“And smarter than you, or you wouldn’t’ve lost this game.” I snark back and to my shock, he gives me an amused sort of smile. 

“You’ve got a poison running through your veins that is desperate to get out.” He tells me, and I twitch, having to remind myself that unlike with Axel, I can’t just reach over and smack him. 

“Why don’t we get back to talking about Axel?” I ask and he just grins at me.

“Your heart has quite the magnetic pull to him, even after everything you’ve learned about us.” He observes, I just glare.

“We’re just friends now.” I correct him.

“Of course, and you have no lingering feelings for him.” Marluxia taunts. My knuckles go white, my fingernails bite into my palms.

“Why is he fighting so hard to keep me alive?” I ask. Marluxia shrugs.

“That I do not know, I do find it to be odd though that he personally volunteered to be the one to end you. Do you think he’ll follow through? You should ask yourself, Rueki, how loyal can a man without a heart truly be to you?” He leers. I stand up shoving myself away from the table. “I am willing to offer you protection that he can’t, if you’d be willing to calm down and listen to my proposal.” 

“Telling a woman to calm down will never get you anywhere.” I snap, storming out of the room. I stomp the rest of the way down the hall, to Axel’s room and without knocking, enter. He’s sleeping, but I don’t care, we’re long past this type of formality. With a rough shove, he snorts, jolting awake, blinking as though he is trying to cast away the sleepiness. 

“There is no one in the world that wants to be woken up that way, Rueks, got it memorized?” He asks.

“Why did you volunteer to kill me?” I already know the answer, it’s obvious that he did it so that no one else would and he could let me get away without anyone knowing. Or he’s lying to me and wants me dead. I furrow my brow because what the hell, which side is he even playing?

He sits up with a grunt, rolling his shoulder muscles back and I have to physically grasp his sheets to force myself not to jump his bones.

“C’mon Rueks, you’re smarter than that.” His voice is still heavy with exhaustion, but I take his face into my hands and force him to look at me.

“Yeah, but it’s shit having to find out from Marluxia that you’ve been campaigning to keep me alive these past few months.” I say. He shifts, uncomfortably, freeing his face from my grasp. “Why wouldn’t you tell me? That’s not exactly something to be ashamed of, I owe you my life.” The weight of those words sinks onto my shoulders and I sit back, curling my knees into my chest, on his bed.

“Jeez, things were hard enough between us before all of this.” He shakes his head, hair falling, swaying limply in his face. 

“All of what?” Though I already know the answer and I hate myself for asking. Everything is my fault, it really was just supposed to be sex, no strings attached. Stupid girl.

“Rueki.” He just sighs. “Fighting with you isn’t as fun when we’re not fucking, can we just have a civil conversation?” He’s kind of a prick, being woken up from a nap so abruptly. “There was so much going on, I just wanted to figure out where I knew you from, you just had to stay alive a little longer, and then we were having fun and then I figured out where you fell in my past. Sue me for wanting to keep you around.”

“Marluxia said you put your life on the line. You told Xemnas that if I fucked up, you’d take the brunt of it.” I say. He sighs, rubbing the back of his head.

“Remind me not to leave you two alone in a room again.” Axel says.

“Dude, can you like talk to me for once?” I plead.

“I did, the other night.” And he’s right, but I still feel like I’ve only touched the tip of the iceberg with him and it makes me want to pull my hair out.

“Come on!” I insist.

“Why does it matter, Rueki? You’re alive, sure, it’s because of me, say thank you and just move on.” He sighs.

“Fuck you, you don’t get to act like I’m just another pawn in your big game. You know I would do anything for you, so just do this one fucking thing and talk to me like I’m your partner and not your burden!” I beg. 

He’s quiet for a long minute.

“You want me to give you a mission or something? Would you feel better if you were kept busy?” My hands ball into fists at his words.

“You’re such a dick, for someone who doesn’t have a heart, you’re so damn moody.” I snap.

“There are things that you are safer not knowing, Rueks, can’t you trust me for one minute?” He asks, eyes hard and I laugh, loud and humorless.

“Fuck you. You know I trust you.” I shake my head. “Even though it makes me a fucking idiot, I trust you, cuz in case you’ve missed it, I am such a fool for you. I feel like you are leading me around blindly, and I know I’ll be safer if I can break free, but I’m more content to die with you holding my hand.” 

“You should go.” Is all he says, and for the first time, since knowing him, I can believe that he doesn’t have a heart. I can believe that everything he has ever said or done for me is a charade. His mask is falling away and what’s lurking below the surface is darker and more devious than I could ever have imagined. I don’t want to chip away at it, maybe I don’t even want to know the truth. Maybe I just want to go back to pretending that he’s got a heart and that he might secretly love me.

I climb out of his bed.

“I wish I didn’t love you.” I say. He doesn’t reply, even as I leave the room, and somehow I think the silence hurts more than any words ever could.

\--

Naminé beats me at chess. By a long shot, she beats me. Her smooth expression never once alters, she rarely speaks and she doesn’t take her eyes off of the board once. I don’t realize I have been cornered until it is far too late, and with a smile that actually touches her eyes, she declares “check mate.” This, I did not see coming. How could I? This delicate angel who cries when I speak in too loud of a voice might just be more cunning than everyone in this castle… Everyone except…

“It must have been hard to tell Axel that you love him, although indirectly.” She breathes, and I’m thankful that no one else is in the room with us, because I flinch like I’ve been hit. It takes me a minute to wonder how she knows, because no one knows, except of course Axel, who I haven’t seen at all since I told him I wished I wasn’t in love with him. And then I realize, my heart is tied to Sora’s, of course Naminé can see my memories. Which is nosey as hell.

“Yeah, it was the worst.” I agree, and I don’t want to talk about it, because this girl is barely more than a stranger to me. But I suppose if I’m going to talk to anyone…  
“What does it feel like? To be in love with somebody?” She asks me and I frown.

“I dunno, I’ve never loved anybody who has loved me back. All I have to speak from is this shit with Axel, and it sucks. I feel like hell all the time.” There’s a pit in my stomach and a hollow ache in my chest, my throat is constricted as I try to fight back tears. She may not have a heart, but I don’t want to tell some fifteen year old girl the dirty details about what love feels like to me. 

“I’m sorry.” She whispers. 

“It’s not your fault. I’m just dumb.” I shrug.

“Would you like me to alter your memories?” She asks and again, I flinch, because it’s so hard to remember that this cherubic girl has such power. I touch my heart for a moment, and wonder if it would help. Maybe she could change things for me just before Axel sets me free? Maybe these memories of sitting numbly in bed and waiting for him to chase me and my rebuffed affections could turn into reciprocated ones in my mind? For a moment, a beautiful fantasy plays out in my head, where instead of confronting Axel in his room about not having a heart, I go in there and tell him I can’t lie anymore and that I love him, and he says the same three words back to me. Maybe instead of sitting in the rain, I remember us spending an afternoon in Twilight Town, laughing, on an actual date. Maybe instead of him telling me he needed to fuck me cuz he liked to pretend he had a heart, he carried me to bed like a princess. Maybe instead of me begging him to be honest with me, he was without prompting. Maybe when I told him I wished I didn’t love him, he ran after me and held me and told me to take it back because he can’t imagine a life without me. 

She’d have to kill him off in my memories for me to not be chasing after him for the rest of time, but would that be really so bad? My heart wouldn’t know the difference, these false memories of happiness, of real love. Hell, I might not even be completely scarred for the rest of forever if she could just do that for me.

“What’s the catch?” I ask.

“In order to implant different memories, you might end up losing more. If you wanted me to make you forget Axel or remember him differently, I’d have to place something to fill the void, you might end up forgetting more than just him. It’s not an exact science.” She confesses, smoothing the hem of her dress. I rub my arms, trying to feel warmth I haven’t felt since the last time Axel held me.

“No.” I lean back a little further in the chair. “I’ve lost enough already, memory wise. I know me. If I even found a seam in your implant, I would spend the rest of my life chasing after what’s missing.” 

“Like you are now?” She asks and I snort.

“Exactly.” I sigh. “You can’t tell me what I’m forgetting, can you?” I ask. Her mouth presses into a firm line and she narrows her eyes in concentration.

“No.” She finally announces, looking confused. “I keep getting locked out. It’s like there’s a door there, and it’s not just that I don’t have a key, there’s no nob in the first place. It’s like it’s a sealed room of sorts.” 

“Wish I knew what was sealed up.” I say.

“I want to know why.” She tells me. “I’ve never encountered this before, even members of the Organization like Roxas, who don’t yet have their memories. When I was being kept inside the Castle That Never was, I could still watch Sora’s memories, like a movie in his mind, even though he didn’t remember yet. What you have…I don’t know what it is.” She frowns.

“Well, it’s nice to know that I didn’t just hit my head and sustain brain damage.”

\--

I am minding my own business like a normal person, walking down one of the stark white halls of the castle when I hear voices. I stop in my tracks because one word in particular stands out to me.

Rueki.

My name. I hesitate, being very quiet and I quickly discover that it’s Larxene and Marluxia, talking in harsh tones.

“Oh please, the only thing she’s good for is teasing the Keybearer and throwing herself at Axel!” Larxene says.

“She’s bright, Larxene, she could be a key piece in our plan.” Marluxia insists.

“So what? You want her to lure Sora in and convince him to work for us? Fat chance at that, she is so uncooperative and not even that persuasive.” Larxene retorts.  
“She is disgruntled. I’ve informed her of what the Superior wants done with her by time we’re finished in this Castle. It appears that Axel already told her, but a woman with a heart can be manipulated. If we can turn her against Axel or get the both of them on our side, her emotions will be easy to manipulate.” Marluxia replies, voice like velvet.

“I guess…” Larxene mutters. “But it doesn’t change the fact that she doesn’t listen to anyone! I mean she’s already unpredictable enough, even Xemnas doesn’t want her alive.” 

“Imagine how she could be used as a weapon against him though! We fill her head with enough hatred and she’ll assassinate him for us.” He says.

“Ha! You think she could hold up in a fight against him?” She scoffs.

“I think she is stubborn enough, no matter how much he hit her, she wouldn’t stop getting right back up. She is determined and such a slave to her emotions. If we can get Axel on our side, we’ll tell her that we’re going to try to get him a heart faster than Xemnas is. If we can’t get him, then we remind her consistently that she will never mean anything to him, but she can find meaning in our cause.” And I have to admit, Marluxia is right, that would change everything for me, distort everything I thought I knew. He could take control of me easily, use me as a pawn and I wouldn’t even think twice.

And to think, I used to worry that I was cold and emotionless.

“That could work.” Larxene confesses. “It would be easy to talk her into roping Sora into all of this too.”

“Exactly.” Marluxia replies, blithely. “She might be the key piece in the puzzle to overthrowing Organization XIII.”

My heart is hammering so loud in my chest, I don’t know how they don’t both hear it. I stand perfectly still, not moving barely breathing, until I hear them retreat into their respective rooms and the second they do, I fly to Axel’s door, going to throw it open, when I realize it is locked…

Oh, so it’s going to be like that then?

I pound at the door and after a few moments, Axel answers, and I can tell it is with reluctance.

“What?” He asks, looking exhausted and irritable.

“Can I come in?” I ask.

“I’m really not in the mood to bicker with you sweetheart, try again later.” He waves his hand but I stick my foot in the crack in his door.

“It’s important.” And I hope the intensity in my eyes and my tone conveys that to him. He doesn’t even respond to me, just sighs dramatically and opens the door wide enough for me to come in. I close the door behind us, leaning against the frame. “I just heard Marluxia and Larxene confirm that they’re trying to overthrow the Organization.” I confess. He doesn’t look surprised.

“Larxene told me the same thing about one floor ago.” He replies.

“And you didn’t think to tell me?” I know we’re not hooking up, but I at least thought we were friends, I thought we were scheming together. I thought for one fleeting second that I wasn’t so very alone in all of this.

“You’re not even a member of the Organization, Rueki. It was my mission to eliminate the traitors, in a month, you won’t even have to be here anymore and this can all just be a bad memory.” He says and my face crumples.

“Don’t do that.” I say.

“Does it make it any easier when you have hope? Does it put your heart at ease, pretending that I can love you back? Because I’m trying to…I don’t wanna make this harder than it already is.” Axel runs a hand back through his hair and what remains of my heart shatters to pieces. I look down at my feet.

“Marluxia wants me on his side. He thinks he can use you to sway my emotions.” I say. “They plan to use me as an attack dog on Xemnas and to recruit Sora.”

“Can you do it?” He asks and I look up, eyes narrowed. 

“Are you serious?”

“Can you fake it, Rueki? Can you lie and convince them that you’re on their side long enough for me to take them down?” 

The idea of being his partner in crime once again is so enticing, but I know this is just bait for me to take. Working with him won’t suddenly earn him a heart and he’s right, me having hope isn’t making anything any easier. Plus, if I act as a double agent, who’s to say that he won’t suddenly decide to bring me back to The Castle That Never Was with him, as a hero to the Organization? Who’s to say he won’t credit me with taking down the traitors and suckering me into being his pawn, for the thousandth time?

“No.” I breathe.

He won’t even look me in the eye.

“I’m sure Naminé could use some company, why don’t you bother her.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids, I'm drunk and excited about this story, and I just want ya'll to know I cranked out 30k words this week so that I could keep posting two chapters at a time. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, truly I don't know why people do drugs when they could just write fanfiction and get reviews and feel the same high. Thank you everyone who reads, just thank you guys all so much.

XIII.

I haven’t spoken to Axel in days. In fact, I haven’t spoken to anyone other than Naminé in days. Castle Oblivion is a big castle, there are plenty of floors and corridors to explore. Rooms that I have never been in, libraries with large tomes, and halls that lead to nowhere make up this strange world, a world that seems to be holding its breath, anticipating something that may never happen. I have spent hours in the library, and yet only one particular passage stands out to me in any of the books.

It’s small, black, mostly handwritten with a few drawings, but on the front, in gold script is the word ‘memory’. I waste no time, dropping to the floor and curling up with it, legs crisscrossed. It isn’t a particularly long read, despite having to decipher the scribbled handwriting.

‘Memories, how strange they are and yet, how they define us’, the book starts, which like, yeah. No shit. I’m less than ten pages in when I catch myself rereading the same lines over and over again.

‘An absence of memory or amnesia in any form is not actually a trouble in one’s mind, but in one’s heart. Despite the many worlds I have been to, I have only found a few cases of amnesia, each of them caused by interaction with darkness. Darkness has a way of obscuring the heart, hiding the truth in the shadows, however the heart is resilient and can come back even from the depths of darkness. I have seen this time and time again. Once illuminated by the power of light, those suffering from memory loss are usually reunited with lost memories. However there are even fewer cases of amnesia, where the memories seem to live within a chamber of the heart that is completely blocked off. Guarded, by a darkness so deep that the owner cannot help but to surrender their heart. To this day, I have not seen anyone come back from such a deep darkness, however there is always hope, and I truly believe that with a blinding, powerful force of light, even these ‘locked’ memories can be accessed. Perhaps my experiments with the heart will prove fruitful in combating this amnesia  
-A’

My fingers trace over the words again and again, and so much of it sounds right, but nothing is adding up correctly. I don’t recall being touched by darkness, and if Axel does, he hasn’t shared that with me, but surely, I haven’t submitted to it. With narrowed eyes, I concentrate, wondering if perhaps I am wrong. I think of the darkness and the pathways between worlds and wave my hand. To my complete disbelief, a portal begins to open and I draw a shaky breath, scooting back, further against the bookshelf.  
Axel emerges from the portal that he opened, not me.

“Fucking hell dude, some of us can still have heart attacks.” I snap. He is not at all amused. Instead, he looks me over, eyes hard, arms crossed to his chest. It’s like he’s not being him anymore.

“Oh Rueks, that was so funny I forgot to laugh.” He says.

“What crawled up your ass and died? Is this because we’re not sleeping together anymore? Cuz if you wanna throw a tantrum over that—”

“This sucks.” He mutters and he strides over, taking a seat next to me. I tilt my head to look at him, brow knitting together.

“Yeah.” I agree, sighing. 

“I just want you to know…” He sighs, trying to find the words to say. “I didn’t mean for it to go this way, got it memorized? It didn’t want to…I didn’t want you to…” He just sighs again and I nod, because I get it.

“I didn’t mean to.” I say, letting one leg stretch out as I wrap my arms around the other, leaning into my knee. Vague comments are the safest and only way that I can tell this man I love him. “I didn’t think I could. When I came to your world, I was running away from myself. I was so afraid that I had grown cold, so cold that I wasn’t even human anymore. Funny how things play out in the long run.” 

“Awe, Rueks, there’s nothing wrong with you.” He says, and I can tell he’s trying to figure out what to do, without a heart to guide him, he doesn’t have a clue how to comfort me. And I’m too stubborn to give him a hint, so we sit there, not touching, both of us staring at the ground. “Much as I hate to say it, it’s me. You did everything exactly how I would’ve wanted. You would have been perfect if I wasn’t so fucked up.” He taps his chest. I finally look at him with wide eyes.

“Not like you asked to lose it. You’re doing all you can with what you’ve got. I can’t fault you for that.” I offer.

“Still. Sucks having to break up with someone I might’ve actually liked.” He nudges me with his elbow. My heart skips a beat.

“We’re not breaking up, we were never together.” I remind him. It’s feeble, but it’s the only thing that keeps me holding on, all things considered. 

“C’mon sweetheart, what else would you call this?” He asks.

The reality of if it sets in and I pinch my eyes shut, drawing in a shaky breath. I’m not going to cry, not now, not in front of this man that in spite of everything, I love. I love Axel. And nothing is changing that now or any time in the near future, but I have no place to dispel it. Maybe love is only beautiful when you have someone to give it to. Because this feels like torture. My stomach twists, my hands shake.

“Rueki?” He breathes my name and I don’t want it to, but it sounds like gospel. I peek my eyes open, chewing my lips. 

“If we’re breaking up…” I start. “Then can we…one last time?” I don’t need to clarify. In one swoop, he drapes himself over me, pressing my back down onto the ground, hands cupping my face as he kisses me. I drink him in, trying to savor every second of this. It began in the library, might as well end in the library. He wraps his arms around my waist, sneaking them around the small of my back, pressing me tightly against him. I groan, wrapping my legs around his waist as his lips trail down my neck.

“Damn shame I never got to put it in your ass.” He teases, in between sucking my skin between his teeth. 

“Maybe in another life.” I try to joke, but the words come out throaty and wavering, as though I am trying to choke down tears…Which I am, but I want this, I really want this, I need to hold it together, at least long enough to—

“Rueki?” He looks down, holding himself above me, palms now pressed to the floor. “What’s wrong?” He asks. I shake my head, pinching my eyes shut, trying to will these stupid feelings away.

“Nothing, don’t stop.” I say and once I open my eyes, I am met by a look I recognize. His face says ‘this was a mistake’. “Axel, please, I need this.” I beg, grabbing the fabric of his coat. He shakes his head, and with his knee supporting him, he peels my fingers off of him and stands. I stand up and reach out to grab his sleeve. He lets me, but the look never washes off his face.

“Rueks, this is a terrible idea and we both know it.” He tells me.

“I don’t care.” I insist.

He is unwavering for a moment before taking his arm back and opening up a portal. 

“I can’t do this. Sorry.” And then he’s gone. Through the portal and just as quickly as it opened, it closes up behind him. 

My arms fall to my side, my knees buckle and finally, I cry.

\--

The next time I run into Axel, he is knocking on the door to my room. I haven’t left my bed in three days, he’s leaning against the doorway, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Hi.” My voice is small and breathy.

“Hey.” He says.

“I’ve been avoiding you.” I confess.

“I know.” He nods. “Me too.” He offers me a small smile. I snort out a laugh.

“How much longer do I have here?” I ask.

“Not much longer, but I’ve got a mission for you.” He tells me. I make a face.

“I don’t want to harass Sora again.” I tell him. He shrugs.

“That’s rough, sweetheart. Just be grateful you’re not schmoozing with Larxene and Marluxia.” He tosses a notecard my way. I don’t move to catch it, I just regard him with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, about that. Why am I not schmoozing with them? Didn’t they have these sneaky plans to recruit me?” I ask.

“That’s not an issue anymore.” He says with a wave of his hand. I pick up and open the notecard, which is basic enough. ‘Taunt Sora, tell him Naminé is in danger, offer him a world card for Transmute City’. 

“Really? Taunt? What am I, a bully on the playground?” I ask and he snorts.

“Just go with it sweetheart. And while you’re at it, I’ve got a favor to ask.” He says.

“Seriously?” I whine. “Isn’t this enough?” I ask, waving the notecard around. 

“This isn’t for the Organization, it’s for me.” And to my chagrin, that changes things. Bastard. “I’ve gotta scout the Castle for something, a secret room of sorts. I need you to go to the basement these next couple of days, keep an eye on the crew down there for me, got it memorized?” He asks. I raise an eyebrow.

“Why?” I ask. He shrugs.

“Let’s just say I’ve got a feeling our friends down there don’t want me around too much longer. Sora’s getting close to the top floor and there’s still too much that I’ve gotta do. Can’t have anyone turning my lights out early.” He tells me and my face contorts.

“You think someone downstairs wants you dead?” I ask. 

“I don’t just think, Rueks. You’ve missed a lot, hiding from all of us this past week.” He proceeds to catch me up on Vexen coming upstairs, with a puppet, a replica of Sora’s friend Riku that has been taunting him with false memories of Naminé. Sora is ten floors up and this replica, created by Vexen has gone rogue. “So now, sweetheart, it’s your turn again.” I nod, swinging my legs over the side of the bed, standing up. “You look like hell.” He tells me, I laugh.

“Yeah, well.” Is all I counter with. 

“Seriously you go to Sora looking like that and he’ll think we’ve tortured you.” He says, though with a hint of sincerity in his voice.

“I don’t care anymore, let’s get this over with.” I say. He waves his hand and opens up a portal for me but stops me, placing a hand against my cheek. 

“And then you’ll go to the basement?” He asks. I nod.

“Anyone in particular to keep an eye on?” I ask.

“Zexion.” He says.

“I’ll silence his doubts.” I say.

“Seriously, you’re my partner. I need you to do whatever it takes, got it memorized?” He asks. I nod again and he leans in, his lips barely touching mine. This ghost of a touch sends my heart into overdrive. As he pulls away, I feel myself shaking again.

“Axel.” I breathe.

“Go.” He tells me. My heart hammers in my chest as I brush past him and into the portal. I feel the darkness as it swirls around me, and for a moment, I want it to consume me. My head is playing tricks on me, I have fallen to my knees for him too many times, and I know that if I continue down this path, I will continue to be a slave for him. Again and again, all he needs to do is touch me and I will do his bidding. I don’t know when I became someone else’s puppet, I don’t know when I started to lose myself, but the very thought that I am being manipulated by someone I love, someone who knows I love them, it sickens me. I emerge on the other side of the portal as Sora comes up the stairs.

“Rueki!” He says.

“You’re doing a real shit job, trying to…what was it again? Protect Naminé?” Because truly, I cannot remember the story we’re going with anymore. And in that moment I hate the blonde girl for what she is doing to my friend. I hate Sora for falling for it, I hate Donald and Goofy for not dragging his ass out of the castle, I hate Axel for taking a hold of my heart. Most of all, I hate myself for letting him.

“I’m trying to get to her, Rueki!” He insists.

“Yeah, we know you’re not a bad guy, why can’t ya help us?” Goofy asks.

“You’re not the only one who’s heart belongs to someone that they’d do anything for. Trust me kid, it’s not you, it’s me.” I say.

“Are you talking about Del?” Donald asks and I snort.

“No, I’m not talking about some moronic boy who couldn’t tie his damn shoelaces without me.” But wasn’t life so much simpler when I was with him? Things didn’t hurt nearly as bad. I wasn’t so angry… “But I’ve got a little card here for you. You can go say hi to the memories of my idiot friends.” I wave the card Axel gave me around.

“Why are you being so cruel?” Sora asks.

“Cuz I got dealt a shit hand. And so did you. You’d do better to turn back around and forget all about Naminé.” I say.

“No way could I do that. She’s special to me!” He insists. I laugh, a hollow empty sound.

“You don’t wanna keep on about that. Trust me, it sucks, to love someone who doesn’t have a heart in the first place.” I say.

“What are you talking about?” Sora asks.

“It’s the worst feeling, because nothing changes what’s in your heart. You give and give and hope it’ll be enough but it never is. You’re a victim to your own emotions. I promise you Sora, nothing hurts worse.” I say, brandishing Survivor. His eyes widen as he summons the Keyblade. “I’ll spare you the pain.”

“Rueki, you don’t need to do this.” He tries.

I fly at him, quickly closing the distance with a series of slashes, a kick, a jab. I throw my weight into him and put him into the ground, delivering another hard kick to his jaw, sending him skidding across the floor. Before he can recover, I fish from my pocket and throw a grenade. He barely dodge rolls out of the way, huffing and puffing. 

The kid is an idiot, a damn moron for falling into this trap, for letting some cute blonde girl take everything he knows and loves and cast it all aside. A fucking martyr if he’s going to treat protecting her like it’s his only mission in life. A pretentious fool if he can justify these new memories of her. He didn’t come save me in The Castle That Never Was, he’s not my friend. He’s nothing.

My hands shake with rage as I go to throw another grenade. Sora lets out a battle cry and comes charging after me, but this time, I’m ready. Just as he goes to slash the Keyblade, I jump, using the flat of the blade to bounce and flip back behind him. Before he can counter, I smash my claw into him, knocking him back to the ground.

“Rueki, stop!” He insists, struggling to catch his breath, but something inside of me has gone dark and refuses to see the sun. I slam the grenade down and the explosion drags him across the floor. He struggles to get up and I close the distance quickly, but not before he knocks me back with his Keyblade. He sprints after me, and I’m faster than him, but it works to his advantage. He unleashes a sleight of attacks on me and I hit the ground, clutching my middle. 

“Don’t fuck with me today, kid.” I growl.

“What’s happened to you?” He asks, but I don’t dignify it with an answer, I kick him to the ground and throw myself at him and I see red. I slash, constantly, without remorse, without allowing him the chance to bounce back from an attack. I fight him like an enemy, like he’s a Heartless, like he is the one who has destroyed my heart. I slash until I see him beneath me, battered, destroyed. One more hit, and all of this will be over. 

“I…I can’t.” I shake my head, my heart hammering up to my temples, tears starting to prick at my vision. Fuck, the levee has broken. My hold on my own emotions has shattered and this boy, this poor fucking boy has taken the brunt of my own self hatred. My limbs tremble as I lower Survivor and draw away from him. He’s got his arm around his middle and I offer him a hand. He looks at me, with these sad, broken eyes, as though this is a trick. “I’m sorry. None of this is your fault, it’s all me.” I say.” With much effort, he reaches out his hand and wraps it around mine and with all my might, I pull him to his feet. I reach my arm underneath his, supporting his weight, and he leans into me, panting.

“What changed your mind?” He asks as I fish an Elixir out of my pocket. I pull the cap open with my teeth and offer it to him. He takes it gingerly in his hands and sips at it.

“You didn’t deserve this. Any of it. You’re a good kid. I took my own shit out on you.” I murmur. “But I can’t stay and help you anymore. I still have someone else I’ve gotta take care of.” I ruffle his hair as he shifts his weight off of me and onto his own feet, growing stronger and stronger with each sip of the Elixir.

“Someone at this Castle?” He asks. I shrug.

“Take the card, kid. Unless you’re going to heed my advice and get the hell outta dodge.” I say, hopeful, but I know Sora and all of my taunting has done nothing but convince him further to chase down Naminé. He shakes his head.

“I’ve got to make it to Naminé, Rueki.” He tells me. “She needs me. I mean have you met that Larxene girl? I’ve gotta get Naminé away from people like her.”

“You’re not wrong.” I snort. “But you’ve gotta take care of yourself. The others you’ll fight on the way won’t be nearly as nice as me.” 

“When you’re done helping that person your care about, you can get away, Rueki. You can come with us. You even said it yourself, third time is the charm!” He tries. I smile, softly.  
“Make it to the top floor, alright? You get that far and we’ll make it happen.” 

I tuck the card into his pocket and disappear into the still open portal.

To my surprise, it spits me out in the main room, the one we’ve all been spending time in. Naminé sits, clenching a pencil in her hand so tight that her already pale knuckles have gone so white. She looks at me with wide eyes and parted lips. Larxene stands behind her, a devilish smirk on her lips. I’m thankful Marluxia isn’t here, but I doubt he’s far behind. Axel isn’t here either, though I’m sure that’s on purpose, after how we parted ways.

“Wow, Rueki, I’m surprised.” She leers. “Way to go psycho, I didn’t know you had it in you.” 

“I’m not in the fucking mood, Larxene.” I growl, eyes hard. But there’s a spark in hers as she moves closer to me. 

“You know, it’s a shame Axel made it his ‘condition’ on joining us, that we don’t recruit you, I underestimated you.” She says, fingertips brushing past Naminé’s chair. I’m tired, I’m broken down, I am emotionally taxed beyond all compare, let the bitch try me, because I know her kind words have a bite to them. And then there’s the thing about Axel. She’s baiting me.

“What about Axel?” And I take the bait. She cackles, throwing her head back.

“Marluxia and I really wanted you on our side, all we want is to take down Xemnas and get our hearts back, our own way. He thought you’d be sympathetic, but your little boyfriend forgot that he doesn’t have a heart. He was just so worried, he made a bargain. He’d be Marluxia’s attack dog, in exchange to keep you out of it.” She tells me. “Does it feel good? Knowing that anything that happens to him is entirely on you?”

“Fuck you. Axel’s a big boy, he does what he wants.” I sneer.

“Right, like leave your pathetic ass behind.” Larxene laughs. “Funny, I don’t think he’ll have that much of a heart when it comes down to leaving you to rot in this castle.” 

“I said I’m not in the fucking mood.” I tell her, but she just gets closer to me until she stands merely inches from me, several inches taller, looking down her nose at me.

"Oh, Rueki, I don’t care about that. I just wanna know if you think your little boyfriend will be so very forgiving when he knows that you tried to help Sora? Or worse, what Marluxia will do to him to punish you. Maybe I should just start the torture myself.” She grins and I reach across and slap the smile off of her perfect, porcelain face. 

Her eyes go wide, her jaw drops. She brings a gloved hand up to touch the fair skin of her cheek and suddenly, a storm begins in her eyes.

“You useless little slut.” She weaves a hand into my hair and slams me to the ground, mashing my cheek against the floor. “Did you honestly think you could get away with that?”  
“I honestly think no one in this castle would give a fuck what I had to say to you. You mean nothing to anyone.” I hiss, even as she mashes my face into the floor.

“Stupid girl.” She removes her hand from my hair to stand tall and kick me in the stomach. The point of her boot sends a shockwave of pain through me and on my side, I double over, covering my midsection with my arms. “No one here has a heart, if you think they care any more for you than they do for me, you’re delusional.” And she’s right. As much as I want him to, as much as I think he wants to, Axel is incapable of caring for me. “You’re nothing!”

“And you’re just a Nobody.” She kicks me again, this time in the face. I grunt, rubbing my cheek. 

“Stop it, please.” Naminé breathes from behind us. Larxene turns to look at her with a death glare as I stand up.

“Shut your mouth, witch! This is between me, and Axel’s little puppet.” She turns back to me and leans over so that we are nose to nose. “That’s all you are, you know that right? Just a dumb bitch, animated by the strings of a man who can never love her.” She makes a gesture, pretending to animate a marionette. 

“Oh man, too bad I’ve already come to terms with my demons. Maybe you should return to bullying children, since they’re the only ones you think you can dominate. Really takes a lot of skill to call fourteen year olds names.” I say. Larxene laughs.

“Because you’re so much better?” She asks me. I smirk a little.

“No, I’m not. I’m probably much worse than you. Because for as mean as you are, at least you have an excuse. Me? I’m just the bitch who can’t wait until Sora smashes that Keyblade into your fucking skull.” I don’t mean it, really, I just want so bad to get under her skin. Before I have time to react, I am hit by a bolt of lightning and my body seizes. My muscles lock up and then twitch violently, jerking as I hit the floor. The pain makes my vision go white but even through this, I feel her boot make contact with my abdomen. I cry out.

“I said stop!” Naminé’s voice, a little louder this time. 

“And I told you to shut your mouth, or I’ll shut it for you.” Larxene snaps at her. I regain my vision just long enough to see Naminé flick her wrist and beneath Larxene, a portal to darkness opens. Larxene shrieks as she falls through, to Twilight knows where, and Naminé instantly closes it up, eyes wide and horrified.

“Holy shit.” I murmur.

“Are you okay?” She runs over to me and crouches down. I laugh. It hurts.

“Um yeah, I just don’t think I can move. That was a hell of a thunder spell she sent at me.” I say. “When did you grow a pair, kiddo?” I ask. She smiles softly, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“You inspired me. Do you have any potions?” She asks.

“Yeah, the big pocket on my belt.” I say. She rummages through and opens up a bottle and all I can do is part my lips while she pours some into my mouth. My fingers twitch with renewed life and I am able to bring myself to sit up and drink the rest, taking it out of her hands. “What do you mean I inspired you?”

“I…I didn’t like when Larxene called you a puppet. You have a heart, I’ve seen how it works, I know exactly how every link is connected, and yes, Axel is ruling your decisions, but only because you choose to put him first. You are the only one with power over yourself, Rueki.” She tells me and it dawns on me how incredibly right she is. “You were so mad at Sora because you felt like you had no control. I’ve felt that way too. Since the day I came into being. I didn’t ask to be born incomplete, I didn’t ask to fall into Organization XIII’s control. I didn’t even ask for these powers that I have, but I felt weak. Helpless. How could I stand up to thirteen other Nobodies? So that anger turned into sadness. Or at least, the memory of it. I suppose someone without a heart shouldn’t be pretending to feel sadness.” She smiles softly.

“Naminé…” I try but she shakes her head.

“You haven’t been a puppet, but I truly have been. This entire time. You chose to save Sora. I wish I was that brave, I wish I could be. The very least I could do was save you.” She says. Her words weigh heavy on my heart and I reach out to grab her hand.

“I like you a lot better when you’re not crying.” I tell her. She laughs, and it is a light sound, like the twinkling of a music box. 

“Yes, I’m sure.” She nods. 

“When this all ends, Axel’s gonna send me to another world, you should come with me. Get away from all these assholes. Hell, maybe even tag along with Sora.” I try, but her face turns grim, instantly.

“Oh, Rueki. That sounds so nice. But I can’t. This doesn’t end the same way for you as it does for me.” Her eyes hit the ground and I release her hand, frowning.

“You don’t know that, Axel has a plan.” I insist. She meets me with a soft, sad smile.

“I know.” She nods. “I wish I could tell you I’ve seen into his heart and he cares about you.” 

“But you can’t, cuz he doesn’t. It’s okay, kid.” I tell her. “Hey, can you do me one more favor and open up a portal to the basement? I’m supposed to go spend some time with Zexion?” It comes out as more of a question than a statement, and she cocks her head to the side, clearly confused. I just shrug, but that does not soften the crease of her brow.

“Of course.” She waves her hand again and a portal opens in front of me. I take a step to it before turning back to her.

“Do you want me to stick around? I’m sure when Larxene gets back she’ll be pissed.” I say, though the thought sounds unappealing, even after I’ve downed a potion.

“No, she won’t lay a finger on me. Marluxia won’t allow it.” She smiles mischievously, and then. “Good luck, Rueki. Please be safe.”

I have a feeling that I’m going to need it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so whilst being vague and not spoiling things for the chapter, I mildly moved around the timeline for a couple major deaths in the game. I did so to benefit Rueki's character progression, and one of the characters that causes one of these deaths, I switched, because I felt like it benefited this particular story to switch it. Anyhow, you've been warned. Death is ahead, my children. I'm gonna go take a bubble bath and shop online, read away! Also, chapter's 16-21 (?) will contain spoilers for The World Ends With You. This isn't a crossover fic, but Kingdom Hearts is really just one giant crossover fic, and Neku, Shiki and the gang have all made appearances in KH, so that's my justification. But if you want to play TWEWY and haven't and don't want it to be spoiled, I highly suggest you play it before chapter 16 comes out. Have a lovely evening my friends

XIV.

“Well, I can certainly say that you’re an unexpected guest.” Zexion is hunched over a table in the corner of a dimly lit room, nose deep in a book, hair falling heavily in his face. Truly, I have no idea how he can see, because I can barely make him out. The room appears to be white, like the rest of the castle, but in this light it’s almost a purplish hue and he is nothing but a mass of darkness. Still, he can see me clearly and I offer a half smile and a little wave. “You smell of Larxene. Strange, all things considered.”

“What does Larxene smell like?” I ask.

“Ozone.” He replies, as though we are merely talking about the weather.

“Well, her and I got in a fight.” I shrug.

“I suppose I don’t understand being so easily worked up as the two of you are. Larxene herself shouldn’t even. I suppose you have an excuse beating in your chest.” He says.

“She pushed the wrong buttons at the wrong time.” I tell him. “Naminé sent her through a portal to who knows where though.” He looks up for a moment, head tilted to the side and he scrunches his nose in a way that can only be described as cute. 

“She is on the…fourth floor, I believe. Wandering through a hall that leads to nowhere. This castle and everything in it truly is a marvel.” He tells me.

“How can you do that?” I ask.

“Sense her? Part of my elemental manipulations. Illusions are my expertise, as are the shadows that lurk within them. The smell of darkness is prominent if you know what you’re looking for and everyone’s heart has its own unique amount of dark. Even those of us without hearts, the voice is still unique to each Nobody. I’ve spent enough time with all of the members of the Organization. It is likely that my reach on their scent even extends through different worlds.” If Marluxia speaks like poetry, Zexion speaks in prophecies, eloquent, elaborate, deceiving and somehow straightforward all at once. I am intrigued by him, instantly. This is the intellectual debate I have been longing for my entire life, this is someone who would challenge me mentally and that excites me. I’m certain he does not feel the same enticement. 

“So that’s how you knew who I was right when I entered from the portal?” I ask.

“Among other things.” He replies, and then with a smirk “you have a terrible habit of not lifting your feet when you walk. A telltale shuffle.” 

“You’re observant.” I say.

“You’d be surprised what can be accomplished when you aren’t busy reacting.” He says, turning a page in his book.

“You control illusions then?” I ask, stepping closer to the table, setting a hand atop it. I’m going to choose to ignore the obvious insult for now.

“Manipulate them, more or less.” He corrects and then, with a demented smile. “Would you like to see how it works?”

“No thank you.” I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, suddenly feeling quite small. Zexion’s smile doesn’t disappear, but his eyes flick back to his book.

“Then, what, pray tell has brought you into our neck of the woods, Rueki?” He asks me.

“Getting away from Larxene.” I confess. “She’s probably gonna kill me when she finds me, I’d like to prolong that as much as possible.”

“And you’ve no concern about Naminé’s wellbeing?” He asks.

“Do you?” I counter, because apparently I have an attitude problem.

“Truthfully, no. Her existence does spark interest, but without a heart, what motivation have I to act on it?” He asks.

“The other members seem driven.” And then I catch myself. Fuck. His smile tugs and I know he has intentionally lured me into a position where anything I could say might implicate Axel. “Larxene and Marluxia that is. Quite motivated to use her to manipulate Sora.” 

“Of course, the hero. And your savior if I remember correctly. And yet you’re content to let the others use him as a pawn. I’m sure it’s an easier pill to swallow when Axel is the one putting it down your throat, no?” He raises an eyebrow. 

“I’m not Axel’s puppet, if that’s what you’re asking. And he’s not shoving anything down my throat.” I insist. “This is Marluxia’s plan.” And with anyone else, I’d go in, guns blazing, telling them off and screaming that Axel isn’t a traitor to the Organization and to get their head out of their ass, but with Zexion, I am well aware that it is going to take a bit of finesse. I can’t just yell and hope for the best, I have to convince him.

Hell, I couldn’t even convince a fourteen year old boy that I’m his enemy. I am so screwed.

“Of course, Marluxia, lord of the Castle. I wonder, do you know how he acquired such a role?” Zexion asks.

“I have an idea, yes.” Because he’s a traitor and it needed to be confirmed. But Marluxia is smart, he’s strategic but he’s cocky. I saw it playing chess, I see it in our everyday interaction. He’s intelligent but if his ego is used to distract him, he can be baited. That’s what Xemnas must’ve planned. Give him a bit of power, and Marluxia would crumble.

“Then perhaps you understand the issues I have in his so called plan. After all, I am one of the founding members of the Organization.” He tells me and that shocks me. There is no way Zexion is older than me, in fact I would be willing to guess that he’s about two years younger, and yet, I know the Organization was formed a decade ago.

“You would’ve been a child then.” I say. His expression softens.

“An orphan, Vexen cared for me when I was a boy.” He nods. “Back then, the Organization had one purpose: Experimentation. On the heart, namely.”

“On how darkness effects it.” I say, remembering the book I was reading earlier in the week. Amnesia, memories, darkness, experimentation and someone named ‘A’.

“I see Axel has educated you.” He says.

“I educated myself.” I reply, proudly. “Found a library in this castle, I wanted to do some exploring. There was a book, about memories and how darkness can shroud them. It was mostly handwritten, by someone doing experiments on the heart.” 

“Curious.” Zexion replies, though he does not seem overly enthusiastic to have this new information. I thought motivation was in the mind, not the heart, but Zexion does truly seems to lack even a trace of it. He isn’t cruel or cold, nor is he overcompensating to make up for a lack of heart. He might be the first Nobody who truly does seem like a shell. “Nevertheless, it is unsurprising that Axel didn’t educate you. The man is as fickle as the element he controls.”

“I suppose so.” I say. “He’s not overly fond of our upstairs crew though. Makes me wonder why he didn’t choose to come down here with you guys.” 

Here we go, time to plant the seeds of doubt.

“Again, the three of us are founding members. Vexen is a bit of an elitist. Even if Axel tried to come down here, it would’ve been all for naught. And surely, he wouldn’t’ve been helpful to our mission.” He says.

“Which is?”

“Experimentation. Unlocking the secrets of this castle. And attempting to use Sora’s dear friend, Riku along the way.” He offers, and while at first, to me it seems like all the information in the world, I quickly realize that it is barely a nugget. 

“Sora’s friend is in the castle?” Not only do I recall Axel mentioning Riku, but I vaguely remember his name being brought up in a game of Twenty Questions. While it was only a few months ago, my time with Sora in Transmute City feels lifetimes away. 

“Indeed. And odd turn of events, but you know what they say: there’s no such thing as a coincidence.” Funny how I used to think the very opposite. Now, I’m not so sure.

“So what’s your plan for him, then?” I ask. 

“That, I’m afraid, is classified.” He offers me. I pout, pulling the chair opposite him out and taking a seat. “After all, who is to say that you and your beau aren’t working alongside the suspected traitors?”

“Would telling you flat out that we’re not be helpful?” I ask.

“No.” He replies, blithely.

“But I would assume Lexaeus is away, working out whatever you’re supposed to with Riku?” I raise an eyebrow.

“You’re not wrong.” He concedes. “And with Vexen upstairs, I’ve been allowed a moment of reprieve to hit the books, so to speak.”

“You and me both. Today is the first time I’ve seen anyone in about a week. And it’s been a hell of a day. Your coworkers suck, do you realize this?” I ask. He snickers.

“I do.” He says. “So you’ve not been to see any of them?”

“Naminé, briefly. Axel once. But that’s it. I wish I never stumbled into your world in the first place.” I confess, and I can tell he is uncomfortable with how candid I am being, he shifts, anxiously.

“Were you not sent down here by Axel, then?” He raises an eyebrow.

“I told you, I wanted to get away from Larxene.” I lie.

“Yes, of course. You know I can smell him on you as well?” I don’t need to ask what Axel smells like. I’ve got that memorized.

Ew, cringe.

“We had a…falling out, I guess you could call it? We wanted to umm…remember each other. One last time.” Again, I lie, but not by too much. This one could actually be believable, and truly, it Is believable enough for Zexion to wrinkle his nose in disgust.

“Point made.” 

“Can you blame me for not wanting to be upstairs?” I ask.

“I suppose not.” He concedes.

“What is Vexen doing upstairs?” I ask.

“Making an attempt at a peace offering.” But he doesn’t even try to sound convincing as he flips past another page in his book.

“I thought you said he was an elitist and didn’t care about the newer members?” I ask.

“He doesn’t. But he is interested in fulfilling the Superior’s wishes.” Zexion says.

“Which are?”

“Up for speculation.” And dammit, I am so sick of everybody talking in circles. “However, certain members believe that there is a chamber, within this castle, a chamber that pairs to one Xemnas and Xemnas alone has access to.”

“What’s inside these chambers?” I tilt my head, because I’m wondering if maybe this chamber is the ‘something’ that Axel is searching for, using me to bide time.

“Even I am unaware of that. As I said, Xemnas and Xemnas alone has access to them.” He replies.

“But if you had to guess?” I press.

“I don’t make a point of guessing these sorts of things.” I want to pull my hair out. This isn’t going to be free, fine. I’m a fucking alchemist, joke is on him if he thinks I don’t understand: you have to put effort in to yield a result. 

“Naminé is at a breaking point.” I offer. “She’s growing confidence and a conscience to boot. Vexen’s replica pushed her over the edge, I think. Having to watch Sora fight his friend is…upsetting to her.” 

“A Nobody cannot be upset.” He waves his hand. “Besides, it was quite obvious the girl was fed up when you informed me she sent Larxene through a portal. That truly was a brave and desperate act.”

“The point is that if you want Riku on your side to counter Sora, you might as well call it quits. It is only a matter of time before Naminé turns on Marluxia. I’m sure you’ll want to give that scene your undivided attention.” I tuck my hand under my chin and lean in. 

“Do you have any proof beyond the little portal incident?” He asks.

“She flat out told me that she wanted to take control of her own existence. Axel plans to set her free, let her go to Sora and let him stop the traitors.” Which might be true but maybe not, I’m not even sure anymore, but I feel his words coming out of my mouth, convincing and charismatic. A light twinkles in Zexion’s eye.

“Well, well, well. I didn’t think Axel revealed his plans to anyone, ever.” Zexion leers.

“He did to me. It’s how we reconciled after I found out he didn’t have a heart.” I chew my lip, not enjoying the reminder, myself.

“Fair enough, Rueki, you’ve earned yourself a guess. This is what those from Transmute City might refer to as ‘Equivalent Exchange’, no?” He cocks his head to the side.

“That’s right.” I nod.

“If I had to offer up a hypothesis, I would say it is a connection to the very distant past. To when we were merely apprentices of Ansem the Wise. And quite possibly a connection of sorts to Kingdom Hearts, or some sort of piece to the puzzle of getting our hearts back.” He says, which really isn’t helpful, but isn’t utterly unhelpful. It’s something for me to take back to Axel, though I assume he already suspects as much if he’s on the lookout for this secret chamber.

“So why not come here himself and search?” I ask.

“The superior has plenty of other—”

He is quiet for a moment, as a stillness settles in the air between the two of us. I hold my breath, waiting for the tension to settle but then, suddenly--

“Something is wrong.” Zexion announces, something dangerous flashing in his eye. I push myself back from the table, crossing my arms defensively to my chest, watching him like an animal about to pounce.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Simultaneously, two presences were lost in this castle.” My heart stops.

“Open up a portal back upstairs, I need to go check on him.” Though I’m not sure who I mean, Sora or Axel.

“There is no need for that. It appears that I have seen why you were sent down here, a pity really.” He all but sneers.

“What are you talking about?” I ask.

“Lexaeus has faded. His fight with Riku has been his last.” But I know that is not the cause for his very sudden and very dramatic change in tone. “Vexen, however has also been eliminated.”

“Marluxia baited him, told him that he wasn’t strong enough to fight Sora. I’m sorry…” I say, cautiously, because he should not be grieving a loss, not without a heart. And still, something in his eye is regarding me with utter hate. He is looking at me the same way Saix does.

“Oh, but neither Marluxia nor Sora were the cause of Vexen’s death. No, Rueki. It was Axel.”

The words crash into me like a landslide and I want to duck for cover to shelter myself from the blow, but instead, I stand with shaky legs and wide eyes.

“He was supposed to foil the traitors plans.” I breathe, words falling from my lips without my consent. “He told me, he was sent here to derail Marluxia and Larxene.”

“But apparently, joined them instead.” Zexion stands from the table, clapping his book together, but never once does he leave the shadows.

“There’s no way, you’re sensing it wrong.” I insist.

“Oh, of course, please do tell me how my powers work.” He snaps. I swallow, dryly.

“Axel wouldn’t.”

“Eliminating other members of the Organization is utterly deplorable. The Superior will not accept this. Perhaps you should say your goodbyes to him now, girl.” With the wave of his hand, he opens up a portal. “I sincerely doubt you will have much longer to turn a blind eye to his treason.”

“Axel is not a traitor.” I shout, taking a step back and into the light. “If he killed Vexen, he had a reason for it, or it wasn’t intentional.”

“Axel does not have a heart, the sooner your process that, the better. And although he may act a certain way around you, you’d do best to remember that it is, indeed, an act.” He reminds me. “He sent you down here so that you wouldn’t be in the way of his grand plan. You are his pawn, he serves no one but himself.”

I stare at him, hands balled into tight fists, fingernails biting my palms. No. No more of this. No more getting accused of being someone’s sidekick. I make my own choices, I make my own decisions and I am so over letting Axel or Organization XIII or anyone else try to tell me what my motives are or what my actions should be.

“You assholes all think you can see everything so clearly because you don’t have emotions clouding your judgement.” I hiss.

“And it’s true. You are exactly what everyone has accused you of being, a slave to your own heart.” He insists.

“Maybe, but my heart knows the difference between reality and a well calculated fiction. Sometimes you need to be subjective to learn the truth.” I say.

“Do you even hear yourself?” He laughs. “You are blinded by your feelings.”

“He’s not using me! No one is, and you have no right to accuse him of anything until you know why he did what he did. Axel is crafty and if Vexen needed to die for him to survive, don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same!” I snap.

“How foolish you are. Willing to defend a man who volunteered to kill you.”

“I’m so sick of all of you acting like I have no idea what’s going on.” I brandish Survivor. He blinks at me and throws his head back laughing. 

“Really? This is you solution? Fight for his honor.” He picks the book back up off the table. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

I leap at him, but Zexion is quick, and in the shadows, teleports behind me. I whip back around to see him with a cold, calculating smile on his face. Calculating or not though, he made a grave mistake getting this close to me and I slash at him with all of my might, the claw dragging across him. He holds the book out in front of him, like a shield, and to my surprise, it absorbs the brunt of it. I blink and then slash again, but once more, the book absorbs it.

“This will not end how you expect it. You’ve never fought anyone like me before.” He grins.

“Guess there’s a first time for everything.” I smash a grenade down onto the ground, as hard as I can, and the both of us go flying across the room and into the wall, coughing at the kick up of smoke. I down a potion as the haze clears and when I see where he’s at, across the room, I dive in. This time, I leap into the air and attack on the downstroke, punching and once again, he absorbs it with his book. 

“Now you’ve done it.” He leers, and at the speed of light, he unleashes a combo that knocks me to the ground. Slash, slash, punch. The damage crashes into me with familiarity. He stands above me, grinning as a clone, an illusion deals the damage, and I wince, on the ground, pushing myself back up as he teleports back into the shadows.

“Asshole.” I hiss as the outskirts of the room go completely black. I take a few steps into the center, which is blindingly white. This must be what he meant by illusion, he’s not controlling the dark, I know, but from within the shadows, he can manipulate me. I revolve, in the safety of my brilliantly lit circle, eyes narrowed for any signs of movement. I see one, and jump, locking my arms around…A clone. It disappears and within the darkness, I hear him laughing. But not next to me or half way across the room. His laughter echoes in every which direction, coming from nowhere and everywhere all at once. 

I suddenly feel the same three attacks lash out at me as before. Slash, slash punch. I scream, they come faster than I expected he would be able to move with zero visibility, but that’s when I realize:

They’re not his attacks, they’re mine. The exact combo, the speed, the firepower that I put in, my own movements being used against me. 

“You’re a mimic!” I cry as I attempt to scramble into the light, but he’s faster than me and I feel a hand wrap around my ankle and drag me back, deeper into the darkness. I scream, whipping around to slash at it, but the clone disappears before I can place a hit.

“Am I? Or is that merely the illusion you’re creating in your mind?” He taunts. “Are you perhaps your own worst enemy, your own greatest fear?”

“As if.” I roll my eyes, fishing into my pocket. He wasn’t able to mimic my use of grenades, maybe items are out of his range. I feel another attack, this time at my back and I make a face, but hold steady, trying to just absorb it. 

I whip around in the direction the attack came from and throw a grenade. The spark illuminates the area and I see a series of clones disappear all except one in the corner. And through the smoke, through the explosion, I close the distance between the two of us and unleash a flurry of attacks. This time, even in the darkness, I can tell I hit him. I don’t feel the book in the way and I hear him grunt. He may be cunning, but I’m quick. I kick, slash, punch, headbutt, anything I can do to deliver a blow before he has time to get his guard back up. He doesn’t, instead, I am mid attack and suddenly, he disappears, teleporting to who knows where. I sprint out into the light, huffing and puffing while I search for a potion. I knock one back, shoulders tense, looking around the room.

“If you think you can win this with cheap hits, you are sorely mistaken.” His voice radiates across the room.

“And if you think stupid illusions and clones will help you win, then you’re just flat fucking stupid!” I snap. The potion has helped, but suddenly, from the darkness, a face emerges and I take a step back, heart skipping a beat. It’s my face, a wicked smile across full pink lips as the false Rueki tries to deliver an attack. She slashes into me, just as hard as this most recent attack I landed on Zexion and I whip around, through the pain, kicking the clone right in the stomach. She looks at me with hurt eyes and turns to dust. “Dude, I have fights with myself all the time in my head.” I inform him, searching for another grenade in my pocket. I need to take a Panacea, cure anything that this darkness has done to disorient me. But first, I need to stop him before—

“But don’t you just hate it when we fight, Rueki?” Axel’s voice sends chills up my spine. I feel sick.

“You’re not Axel. Beside, this isn’t the play you wanna make.” I warn.

“And why not? Wouldn’t this be so much easier? To just submit to the illusion?” A clone of Axel walks through the darkness and I narrow my eyes.

“Sure would. But I’m not an idiot. And I told you, this isn’t the play you wanna make. I punch this fucker on the regular.” I close the distance between us and before the clone even has time to hit I swipe at him and the clone disappears.

Another clone of him appears, crouched over, in pain, and instinctively, I take a step closer to it. The clone’s eyes flick up to mine, brow furrowed, arm around his abdomen.

“So you’re okay with me fading, Rueki? You really think Xemnas is going to let me live after all of this betrayal?” He asks. “Never mind me, won’t it hurt you to see me disappear from existence?” 

And it will, of course it will, the very thought makes me sick and I crouch down onto my knees to touch the clone’s face, gently.

“I love you.”

The clone is the only one who might feign reciprocity.

My words stall Zexion.

I chuck a grenade behind my back, and desert the clone, to where I see the illusionist lurking. Moving as fast as my legs can take me, I load two antidotes into Survivor and shoot them into the air, feeling the energy move straight out of me, knocking the wind out of me. But the darkness dissipates all around us and Zexion’s eyes go wide.

I know instantly that I have won. 

I tackle him to the ground and smash my claw into him, straddling his chest as I swipe at his face. Again, and again, over and over until I see him twitch, spasming violently. He knocks me off of him, unintentionally. As I hit the ground, I see him lurch up, eyes wide and horrified.

“Is this what he ordered you to do?” He shrieks at me. “He sent you down here to murder me?”

“I—” And the reality of the situation hits me. There is not an outcome to this where we both make it out alive.

“Is this really what you have become? Just as heartless as the rest of us?” He spits. My heart hammers in my chest and I shake my head.

“No, come on, I didn’t mean to, I just…” I don’t know what I ‘just’, but then again, I do. Whatever Axel asks, whenever he asks it. And no, he didn’t tell me to eliminate Zexion but my job was to silence his doubts, no matter the cost. If this is for him, it’s noble, maybe even heroic?

Regardless, if it keeps him alive, if he needs this, then who am I to deny him? If it’s his life or Zexion’s, it is no contest.

Fuck, I am so tight on his leash, his puppet, through and through. I blink back tears, but I realize, the levee has broken. It broke days ago and this is just the cherry on top.

“Do you know the funniest part? This will haunt you forever, but me? I will just be a memory, etched into your very being.” A smile slowly creeps across his lips.

“Fuck you.” I hiss, struggling to get to my feet. He waves his hand and instantly, I feel a pair of hands lock around my wrists. My head snaps around and there’s the Axel clone, grinning at me.

“End her.” Zexion orders and with the last of his energy, he wills the clone to drop my arms and wrap its hands around my throat. It raises me high into the air, thumbs pushing against my windpipe. My vision goes white. I kick and thrash against it, swinging my arms, but they go straight through the clone. I swing around again, but I just hear Zexion laughing. “He would’ve been the death of you one way or another, Rueki. Perhaps this is for the best.” 

I wheeze, struggling for air, my limbs starting to tingle. Maybe he’s right. Maybe this way, I don’t have to die a monster.

Something kickstarts in that moment, a survival instinct, and I realize—I do not want to die this way.

I stop struggling and fumble for a grenade. I don’t have the strength to throw it, I just drop it to the ground and it combusts. I am thrown across the room, the clone disappears, my head smacks against the dimly lit white wall. I gasp, desperately, my body trying so hard to make up for the air I have lost. My lungs burn, my head throbs and…

When the smoke clears, I look across the room to see a mass of blackness, disintegrating like ash. A gloved hand struggles in the dust, but within a matter of seconds, the hand is gone and Zexion is no more.

My hands shake, my heart hammers, my entire body goes cold.

I weep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you know what I decided? Updating two chapters in one day doesn't leave nearly as much suspense as making you guys wait does. I might be a little bit evil. So you're still getting two chapters a week, but now instead of Fridays (sometimes Thursdays), we'll be seeing updates Tuesdays and Fridays!  
> Enjoy!

XV.

I don’t know how long I sit on the basement floor, a hysterical mess, but if I had to warrant a guess, I’d say long enough. I am standing, with weightless and somehow incredibly heavy limbs, struggling to stay stable, when a portal opens in front of me. My heart skips a beat and for a moment, I say a prayer that it’s Zexion, coming to fuck with me.  
Axel walks out and the moment he lays eyes on me, his faces goes deadly serious.

“Rueki, hey, what’s wrong?” He rushes over, taking my face into gloved hands.

“I killed him.” I breathe. 

“Zexion.” He realizes. His lips come down onto the top of my hair and he pulls me close. I know it is entirely for my benefit, and not his.

“I had to!” I insist, and this is also entirely for my benefit, and not his. “He suspected you, he suspected both of us of betraying the Organization, and then you fucking killed Vexen and Lexaeus died fighting Riku and he swore that this was all the proof he needed and that Xemnas wasn’t going to let you live after that and I know I wouldn’t make it without you and—” My heart is hammering so loud, I can’t even hear my own thoughts, my brain is moving too fast for my mouth to catch up with. I think I’m hyperventilating. 

“C’mon hun, you did what you had to. You survived.” My stomach twists at his words, wringing out like a damp cloth. Of course I did, I survived, but this wasn’t for me. This was for him.

“I couldn’t let you fail.” I breathe. “I hate you.” My legs shake as I struggle for breath, and he grabs my legs, lifting me up into his arms as we sit in the ground. I throw my legs around his waist and bury my head into the crook of his neck.

“I know.” He murmurs.

“Why the fuck did you have to kill Vexen? I could’ve convinced him if you didn’t!” I snap.

“Marluxia ordered it, I did what I had to, to play my role.” He says, evenly, rubbing my back. “This is why I asked if you thought you could fake it with Larxene and him, I didn’t need you signing onto anything you couldn’t handle.”

“So this is my fucking fault?” I tear away from him and once again, he takes my face into his hands and pulls us close so that our foreheads touch.

“Rueki.” He says. “I did what I had to, is it really so different from what you—” I reach out and slap him. At such a close proximity to me, I see the recoil, see the shock register on his face.

“I did this for you.” I insist.

“Okay, sure, you did this for me, thank you.” He deadpans and I squirm beneath his grasp, trying to push him away. His grip tightens, fingertips pressing down hard into my cheeks. “Really, Rueki. Thank you.”

“I didn’t want to.” I breathe. “He turned one of his clones into you.”

Axel’s face contorts, and I can see the realization of the pain that I must be in, dawn over him.

“I’m so sorry.” He smooths the hair from my bangs that lays flat over my cheek. 

“He almost got me.” I confess. 

“What did he say to you, Rueki, cuz you know it was all bullshit.” He insists. 

“It wasn’t actually. And it wasn’t what he said to me, it was what I said to the clone.” I murmur. “He had me, I had to watch ‘you’, all doubled over, in so much pain and I raced to ‘you’ as fast as I could. I told the clone I loved it. Because I do. I love you.” 

His brow knits together. A thumb brushes across my lower lip, my heart hammers as I wait for something, anything.

“I wish you didn’t.” He breathes.

“I know.” And I wish the words never left my mouth, but at the same time, I know that my time is running out with him. By the end of the week, if not the day, I will never see him again, and I know I would regret more, having never said the words at all. 

“I tell you what though, Rueks. I’m gonna miss this.” He closes the gap between us, pressing his lips to mine and my heart bursts. It’s gone, done, completely unsalvageable. I grab his hair, in handfuls, drawing him closer to me, pressing my torso flush against his. He grabs my ass, grunting as I bite his lip, and I think to myself that I’m going to miss more than just this. 

I’m going to miss the scorching heat that radiates off of him constantly, the smell of bonfire on his skin, the crunch of gel in his hair, the way it feels when he pulls me in tight and doesn’t let go, even though we both know he should. I’ll miss the feeling of gloved hands touching me, and how heavily he sleeps. I’ll miss his high cheekbones, sitting in my hands as I cup his face and all of the nicknames he calls me. I’ll miss ice cream trips to Twilight Town and fighting Heartless alongside him. I’ll miss his over the top personality and waking up beside him.

I pull him in tighter, my fingernails biting down into his scalp. I want to brand everything he is into me. 

My lips move down his jawline, onto his neck and trail across to draw his earlobe between my teeth. I nip, he groans and I try to memorize the sound.

“Don’t call me Rueks.” I murmur against his skin. I take his shoulders into my hands and shove him down, as hard as I can, into the ground. His eyes go wide and then a smirk spreads across his face. 

“This is what we’re doing?” He raises an eyebrow.

“One more time.” I nod, unbuttoning my shorts as I start to shimmy them off my hips. 

“Fuck it.” He agrees, yanking the zipper of his coat down. I climb up off of him for just a moment to pull my shorts and panties down and still, wearing boots and a shirt. He makes quick work of the zipper on his coat, unbuttons his pants and has just enough time to push them down over his erection, before I sink back down onto him. I try so hard to ease myself down, taking a shuttering breath to try to adjust because it has been way too damn long and there has been zero foreplay, but before I can adjust, he snaps his hips up into mine, groaning loudly.

That is plenty enough to turn me on.

I splay my hands across his chest and start to rock my hips, in time with his violent thrusts as he clutches my hips, gloves the only thing stopping his fingernails from biting into my skin. My eyes meet his and my heart leaps into my chest.

I am going to miss the fullness of his cock slamming into me.

“Fuck, look at you.” He chokes out, slowing his hips down, ever so slightly. The sensation is delicious, feeling the wetness of him pulling out of me entirely and sinking back in. My shoulders curl, a shiver of delicious pleasure rakes my body. I clench around him so that I can feel him stretching me and the sound of his moans is music to my ears. I grind my hips down hard into his, some of the friction sending shockwaves to my clit. His eyes spark, a fire relit, and one hand moves from my hip to tease my overheated nub. I burn up in his touch, Icarus and the Sun, a Phoenix rising from the ashes. I nearly fall apart as he plays with me, eyes watching intent with every single twitch of his hand. 

I need him, I’ll miss him. I love him.

I throw my head back as he shifts his weight, hands moving away from me. My head snaps, eyes flashing in irritation. All I want are his hands all over me. But I realize he is moving so that we’re both seated upward, and I don’t even have time to voice my displeasure, he grabs me by the waist and smashes his lips against mine. We’re all teeth and tongue, biting, sucking, moaning. His hands roam my back, my ass, I feel a finger circle the rim of my asshole, his other hand comes around to my clit and I come undone, crying into his mouth. I feel him grinning as I convulse, tapering off like the licking of a flame. We pull apart, panting heavily and I lock my arms around his neck, rocking my hips with more vigor. He grins, hands falling away from my asshole and clit, so that he can grab handfuls of my ass, of my thighs, of my hips. He’s groping so aggressively at my lower body that I know he’s going to bruise me and I don’t give a single fuck. I sink down on top of him, once, twice, again and again, knees crashing into the marble flooring, body searing against his. 

I’m not ready for the end when I feel his hips jerk violently, unsteadily, without rhyme or reason, as he cums inside of me. 

I’m not ready for this to be done. 

I could cry as he comes to a standstill, no longer moving and breathing with me. My eyes, I know, are sad like an animal left in the rain, as he stops, the two of us panting, clutching each other with the knowledge that this is the end. I’m desperate to freeze time here. The look in his eyes tells me that he feels the same, but that implies that he feels, and that’s no right. No matter how much I feel for him, no matter how content I am to give him everything I am and everything I will be, this will always be tragic, this will always be star crossed. It didn’t matter how things began, or how many times we started over, we were always destined to crash and burn.

Maybe in another life.

I reach out to grab my shorts and, as quickly as I can, stand up off of Axel and pull my panties and shorts back on. I make a bit of a mess on the tops of my thighs, but my undergarments catch most of it, and I try to wipe my legs clean with my sleeves. Which is mildly gross but I really need a new outfit anyway. This one has been through the ringer.   
“Um…What have I missed? Upstairs?” I breathe.

“Well, Marluxia wanted me to end Vexen. That one I didn’t mean for you to get involved in with Zexion and everything, I just needed proof of their plan before I let Naminé loose.” He says, zipping up his pants as he stands. I want to beg him to go for round two, but instead, I keep my mouth shut and my eyes dry. Maybe this just needs to be done, for the both of us. I am mildly impressed at myself though for accurately predicting Axel’s actions, to Zexion. “She rushed to help Sora, Larxene gave her shit and Sora didn’t take too kindly to that. His memory is ten kinds of fucked up. She’s probably gone by now, if they’re not still currently fighting. No way was the kid letting her out of that one.”

It makes my stomach twist, thinking of Sora watching someone fade. I think of all of the Heartless he’s killed and how Larxene very well may be the first person he has ever killed and that seems like a lot for an almost fifteen year old to have to handle. I think of Roxas and how he was thrust into being a Nobody and doing the bidding of some demented man who claims to want to restore hearts, but I’m not so sure. I think of Naminé being held against her will by the Organization and being constantly on the brink of tears, despite not being able to ‘feel’ anything. I think of all of the time I have spent with these ‘half-beings’ and how much my entire world has been shaken and everything I am has changed, but isn’t that what I wanted in the first place? Isn’t that what I hated most about Transmute City? That my whole world was stagnant, that I was outgrowing everything my friends and the world we lived in, had to offer me. I was so convinced that they weren’t enough for me and by time I find somebody who is enough, my love cannot be enough to save us.

“What about Marluxia?” I ask.

“He’s pissed.” Axel says, coat now zipped, keeping his distance from me. “That’s why I came looking for you. Not that this wasn’t a fun detour.”

I want to stride over and wrap my arms around him.

“We taking him on together?” I ask. 

“Yeah, if you’re ready.” He tells me. I pout.

“Everything has happened so fast.” I say and he nods.

“Yeah.” He says. “Wish it coulda been different.”

“No you don’t, you don’t have the heart.” I counter and he cracks a smile.

“You know me well, sweetheart.”

“Zexion didn’t have a lot of information about what you’re looking for, by the way. I would assume it’s the Chamber that pairs to the one only Xemnas has access to. You know, just based on knowing you.” I smile a little, crossing my arms to my chest.

“You are a sly one. What’d he have for me?” He asks.

“Just that he thought it was tied to Xemnas’ past and potentially that it might be a puzzle piece for restoring your hearts or Kingdom Hearts or something.” I shrug. “But I assume you already know that.”

“Yeah, unfortunately Zexion is like Demyx in the sense that he wants out of everyone’s business. He likes to feign ignorance so that he doesn’t get disturbed. If no one asks him questions, he doesn’t have to look up from his book.” Axel says.

“Didn’t have to look up from his book.” I correct. He reaches out and squeezes my hand. I don’t stop him.

“Thank you for keeping an ear out for me, sweetheart. Even when I didn’t ask you to. If I had to ruin some poor girl’s life, I’m glad it was yours. You’re pretty damn cool.” He grins. I roll my eyes and shove him.

“Meh, don’t patronize me. Let’s go kick Marluxia’s ass.”

\--

“You have some nerve to show your treasonous face around here, some nerve indeed.” Marluxia scowls at us as we materialize on the thirteenth floor. “And I assume you’ve had her in on this the entire time? Was that perhaps why you were so eager to ‘leave her out of things’? Was she unable to keep up with the charade? A shame, the conscience a heart leaves you with.”

“Omigod, don’t you ever shut up?” I roll my eyes.

“Treasonous? I don’t know what you could possibly be talking about. What about you, sweetheart?” Axel leers, raising an eyebrow at me. I shrug, making a face at Marluxia.

“Why let Naminé go? If it weren’t for your needless meddling…” Marluxia grumbles, eyes narrowed into deadly slits as he looks at Axel. “We could have turned the Keyblade master to come and serve us!” 

“Ohh, right, your big plan. You use Naminé to rewrite Sora's memory piece by little piece. And he turns into her total puppet. Then, using Naminé and Sora together, you and Larxene overthrow the Organization. Am I right? I would say that YOU are the traitor, Marluxia.” Axel snarls, suddenly equally as deadly and something tells me this is a fire that I absolutely must watch burn.

“Since when were you suspicious of us?” Marluxia asks, crossing his arms, indignantly, as though he is still somehow in the right. 

“Do either one of us really have the heart to believe anyone?” Axel cocks his head to the side. “Well, except this one. When she came to me, telling me she’d overheard you and Larxene whispering in the halls, I knew for sure.” He points a thumb at me.

“I see, so the two of you have been conspiring as I suspected. Of course I wanted her on our side. The four of us could’ve been successful.” He insists.

“But the thing is, your plan can’t succeed.” Axel says, though I don’t have the same loyalty to the Organization, but what I lack for them, I make up for in him.

“And you? You have no interest in what Larxene and I had to offer? We could’ve gotten your little boyfriend a heart twice as fast as our ‘wise’ Superior!” Marluxia sneers, but I look at him with hardened eyes.

“The fact of the matter, Marluxia, is I would’ve taken your side in a heartbeat. I’ve got no lost love for the man in charge, but this is what Axel asked of me.” I say.

“And what are you getting out of this?” He hisses. 

“You asked me once how loyal I thought a man without a heart could possibly be. We both know this is crashing to an end. Axel’s letting me jump ship before it catches flames though.” I say. He snorts.

“So you never had any intention to follow our Superior’s orders and eliminate her?” Marluxia asks. Axel shrugs. “Is your only loyalty to yourself then?”

“I’m loyal to every reasonable order I get. I owe Rueki, plain and simple. We’re square now.” He doesn’t owe me anything but I don’t correct him, it sounds good and with Marluxia cornered like this and the two of us coming off as the power couple not to be reckoned with, I am loving every second of this confrontation. Fuck XI and whatever games he thought he was going to play with either of us.

“So what do you call eliminating Vexen?” Marluxia hisses.

“He needed you to confess proof of your plan.” I offer.

“Heh, right. That I didn’t want to do, but it was your order.” Axel concedes.

“And that was why you sent Rueki away, was it not? Why she conveniently intercepted Sora before he encountered Vexen? To test him, to test them both to see if they had what it took to do your bidding for you? Sora was not nearly ripe enough with rage, but you realized that dear Rueki was more than willing to go into the basement and lessen our numbers further, was she not?” He turns to me. “Tell me, did you realize before or after you killed Zexion that it was Axel’s plan all along? One less for him to have to assassinate.” 

I look to Axel, brow furrowed, and suddenly, he will not meet my gaze. Suddenly we are not a power couple and I am everything everyone has ever accused me of being—Axel’s puppet.

“How do you even know about Zexion?” I ask.

“We can feel it, you know. Those of us without a heart. When another of our ranks is gone, we can feel the bonds sever. Not that I blame you, Axel. It’s certainly much simpler this way. No survivors means no one can tell Xemnas how you disobeyed him to save some girl from Transmute City.” Marluxia looks upon me with a predatory gaze and for the first time, I feel like his prey. “A shame for her though, to have to live with the simple fact that she was just as in the dark as the rest of us. You may have saved her, but I was right in saying that you were completely incapable of being loyal to her. She has been nothing but a tool to you this entire time.”

“I’m not…I didn’t do his…We’ve been in on this the entire…What the fuck, Axel?” No matter how hard I try, I cannot keep my composure, my jaw is on the ground. “You told me so many fucking times to trust you, that you were going to beat the odds here, that you were going to manipulate all of these idiots and that you and I were going to come out on top and that Sora was going to be fine if I just listened to you! Now his memory is a train wreck and I will never not remember the look on Zexion’s face before he faded! You could’ve been honest with me, you could’ve warned me or you could’ve taken out the fucking trash yourself and kept my hands clean and—” I go to shove the redhead, who captures my wrists in his hands.

“Now is not the time, Rueki.” He hisses and I gape.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. You know when the time would’ve been? Before all of this! Just tell me he’s wrong and he’s lying Axel, and I will forgive and forget like I do every single fucking time with you. Look me in the eye and tell me he’s making shit up and we can go right back to being fine.” I shout, but he just looks at me with a steely gaze. The fire is out.

I am the only one still playing in the ashes.

“Fuck you! Fuck you!” The weight of everything crashes down onto my shoulders, crumbling so hard and heavy that I can barely contain the weight of it all. I am just another cog in his machine, I am a tool that he has been using, probably more than anyone else because he knows exactly which strings to pull to make me dance. I am his puppet, his toy. And sure, maybe he intends to put me on a shelf when he’s done playing instead of throwing me to the curb, but it doesn’t make what he’s done any better. It doesn’t have me questioning every kiss, every touch, every word. It doesn’t stop me from feeling dirty and nauseated about fucking him in the castle basement because now, instead of my lover comforting me in my time of need, now, my controller is using my desperation to his advantage. I am nothing to him. He has never had a heart in the first place and I wanted so badly to believe I was exempt from what that entailed but I’m not and I never have been.

He has never loved me. He has never wanted me. He has used and manipulated me because it was convenient and easy. 

I think of how he begged for another chance because I made him feel like he had a heart and how that was bullshit, he was mostly likely just irritated that I foiled his plans to use me and needed to worm his way back in. I think of how he got so mad at me when I said that I couldn’t lie to Marluxia and Larxene and how that must’ve put a wrench in things for him because he couldn’t toy with my heart to get his way. I think of how many times he claimed to not want to make things any harder on me and how that was just a sick ploy to wrap me even tighter around his finger. I think of how he kissed me after ordering me to spy on Zexion and silence his doubts no matter what and how that had completely sealed the deal for him and he knew it.

“I’ve never been anything to you, have I?” I shriek.

My words echo through the room and I am greeted, for the too many-th damn time to silence. 

“Rueki, we have other things that are more important than this right now.” Axel says, in a very purposefully level tone, but I see right through it. He just confirmed everything I have ever feared. It takes all I have not to crumple to the floor.

“Oh, don’t let me interrupt.” Marluxia smirks and I turn to him, feral, like an animal, because like hell have I suddenly decided to side with him. Maybe Axel lied to me, but I know Marluxia would see me dead, I know it without a shadow of a doubt. And right now staying alive matters more than anything else. Make it out alive, and then get as far away from these men, no…these creatures as possible.

“Remember the order: "You must eliminate the traitor." I always follow orders, Marluxia. Larxene paid the price for disloyalty when she disappeared...You must do the same!” Axel snarls, eyes on Marluxia, and suddenly his chakrams appear. I ready Survivor. But Marluxia’s scythe materializes as well.

Axel dives in, slashing the chakrams at Marluxia, who quickly blocks them. I leap into the air and swoop in for an attack from above, bringing my claw down onto him, but he quite literally whips me into the wall with the flat of his blade. I am surprised by how quick Axel is, throwing his chakrams at Marluxia, who is even quicker to block and I leap up with a kick from behind just in time for him to teleport out of the way and get himself at a good distance between Axel and I.

I pant, looking to Axel, eyes narrowed. We could be a storm but neither of us wants to be anything other than the lightning, no one will allow themselves to be the thunder. I know this will be our downfall, I think he does too, but I don’t want to look at him again, let alone say another word to him. Besides, no way could we both handle fighting a verbal battle with each other while fighting a physical battle with Marluxia.

“The Organization’s betrayed. In that name, I will annihilate you!” Axel says, tone scorching the air.

“That line’s not you.” Marluxia replies in a voice like velvet.

“Well, had to try it once, you know.” Axel offers a shrug, but this time, I don’t give him the chance to fuck up an attack on Marluxia. I fish for a grenade from my pocket…

Only to realize I have used them up on Zexion.

DAMMIT!

Axel runs to Marluxia and attempts to slash him, but XI is too fast. Not faster than me though. I charge, swiping survivor, and land a hit only to get slashed by his scythe. It stings, my eyes water and I’m too busy healing myself while Marluxia attempts to slash at Axel. He hops out of the way, but I sprint into the scene just in time for Marluxia to slice shockwaves in the air and fire them toward Axel and I. I block one, he blocks the other, but I feel the heat of it radiating against the leather of the arm of the claw, even as I extinguish it on the ground. 

Marluxia laughs and with the wave of his hand, I watch, horrified as Naminé materializes in front of him, terror striking her features. He just grins from behind her.

“Is that your shield?” Axel scoffs. “Won’t do you any good, I’m afraid.”

“Are fucking kidding? How can you be so heartless?” I scream, looking to the blonde girl, who just shakes her head, begging me to pay her no mind and finish it.

“I wonder, are you listening, Sora?” Marluxia asks and my heart stops. Axel and I both wheel around, only to be greeted by the Keybearer.

“Oh?” Axel mutters.

“Axel and Rueki seem perfectly content to harm Naminé to get to me. You won’t let that happen, now will you?” Marluxia taunts, and to my dismay, he, Donald and Goofy ready their weapons.

“Oh, come, now. You’re Marluxia’s puppet already?” Axel sighs.

“After I finish you, he’s next.” Sora declares and looks to me with hurt eyes. “He’s the one then? The one you’ve been doing all of this for?” My face contorts.

“I’m sorry, kid. I got played too.” I confess. “I stand by what I said, you don’t deserve any of this. Get out while you still have some semblance of a heart.”

“So you and Axel can keep making plans that hurt my friends?” He roars and my eyes go wide, my stomach lurches.

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.

Guess I should’ve just let the Organization kill me when I crash landed in their world.

“No one is hurting anyone!” I want to pull my hair out.

“He’s a monster, you didn’t see what he did to Vexen!” He’s not telling me anything I don’t know. Would it really be so wrong to side with Sora and erase Axel from existence? I already know the answer, if I were to do that, I would lose any and all grip on my sanity. I have already moved mountains for the man I love. Might as well cross this one more bridge.

“Hmph. Now, Sora. We've got more in common than you might think. I'd really rather not fight you... But I can't dishonor the Organization, now, can I?” Axel surrounds the three of us in a circle of flames that just cut out Donald and Goofy.

I grab a potion and the last of a bomb fragment from my pocket and load them into Survivor, feeling the energy leave me as NullAll is cast on myself, in case this fire fight goes wild.

Sora runs at Axel, roaring but I intercede, throwing my weight into the Keyblade, knocking it out of his hands. I land one, two, three hits on him before it materializes in his hand again, and even at the ultra close distance, he’s fought me enough to know a way around my strategy. With the butt of his sword, he shoves me back and the quick twist of his hand points the blade at me. He knocks me back, straight into the wall of fire and thank goodness for NullAll. 

Axel whips his chakrams at the kid and as he does, I climb back up, running again at him. Catching up to the chakrams quickly, I leap into the air and off of one of them as they crash into Sora. To add insult to injury, I whip around, mid air and knock him back with a kick and a slash from Survivor. He falls to the ground and I go to attack again, but he blocks me, dodge rolling out of the way. He swipes at me, I jump back, knocking straight into Axel. We’re not fighting as a team, but rather, we are two people attacking one kid. 

“When I give the word, you take off. Understand me?” Axel asks, voice barely above a whisper.

“Fuck you, why the hell would I listen to a single thing you say?” I snap.

“Because if you don’t you won’t make it out of this fight. Naminé didn’t leave enough room in the kid’s heart for forgiveness.” And once again, confirmation of what I’ve feared.

“Fine.” I hiss.

“Your room. I’ll explain everything.” 

And we have no more time for conversation. Sora comes barreling at us and knocks me straight into the ground. Smart, as I recover a lot quicker than Axel, I’m the first to be taken out. He smashes the Keyblade against me again and again until Axel throws his chakram at the kid. With a quick spin, he blocks them an I scoot back, clutching my middle, because holy shit Axel was right. There isn’t room in Sora’s heart for forgiveness. This kid has been turned into a killer. There is nothing left of Sora, just when I was worried there was nothing left of me, how self absorbed can I possibly be? I climb to my feet, arm around my midsection and when Sora comes back to me, all I can do is block him with Survivor.

Axel teleports to the two of us, slashing at Sora, his chakrams ignited in a blaze but Sora counters, slashing at Axel, knowing very well that I am not a threat as long as he doesn’t give me enough time to run. I try to take off, because I know if I heal myself, we can do this. But I try to take a step and Sora whacks me, this time in the head. I feel my skull crack and I see white as I hit the ground, legs going limp.

“Sweetheart, are you alright?” Axel’s voice. My vision comes back in specks, little by little as I see him attempt to dodge Sora’s attacks, to no avail. The kid is hellbent and Axel and I can’t fight with anything but hellfire. This is not a fight we were meant to win. I push myself up off the ground.

“Don’t fucking call me that!” I snap, just in time for Sora to smash the Keyblade into me again, I fall to the ground again, this time, feeling every one of my injuries, my legs include. But nothing compares to the throbbing in my skull. I wipe my lip, feeling a warm, wet sensation, to realize it is my own blood.

Fuck.

I struggle to my feet and Axel’s eyes lock onto mine. I watch him wave his hand, taking a blow from Sora to do so. A doorway opens in the fire.

“Now! Rueki!” He cries out and with every ounce of strength I have in me, I sprint, as fast as my legs will move, not looking back once. Not to see the portal close behind me, not to listen for the outcome of the fight, not to regard Naminé, Marluxia, Donald or Goofy. Not even to catch my breath. I don’t stop moving until the door to my bedroom is locked behind me and I sink to the floor, heart hammering, lungs burning. I rummage through my pocket for a potion and tear the cap off of one with my teeth before knocking it back. Almost instantly I feel physically better. I remember as kids, Del breaking his leg. I had to synthesize a ton of high potions, but they mended his broken bone within a day. I touch the blood, crusted onto my lip and my stomach drops.

Axel said Sora would be okay.

And the second he springs into my thoughts, VIII enters my room, coming through a portal, looking thoroughly whipped. I retrieve a potion from my pocket and throw it at him. He catches it in one hand and downs it, taking a seat on my bed. I look at him through hardened eyes and he looks back at me, still panting. The silence that used to be comfortable between us is now heavy, the bitterness of every misgiving lingering in the air.

“You okay?” He finally asks me, thought it doesn’t cut the tension.

“I’ll live.” I offer, turning to look away from him, suddenly very focused on my nails.

“That’s all I wanted, Rueki. This whole fucking time I just wanted for you to make it out.” He sounds so sincere, heaving a sigh, but I am past the point of believing him.

“That’s sweet. If only you could time travel and say that to the girl that used to give a fuck.” I mutter, pursing my lips.

“C’mon, all of this bullshit over something Marluxia said? He’s a snake, Rueki, you and I both know that. He’s conniving and manipulative, how do you think he got Sora to play along in his game so well?” He tries and I bark out a laugh, eyes darting back to his.

“Has this ever been his game? Because the way I see it, you’ve been controlling every single piece the entire time.” I hiss.

“Oh, of course. Get pissy with me over keeping you and the Keybearer alive. Sorry that I had to play a few hands dirty to make that happen.” He snorts, derisively.

“Fuck you, that wasn’t your goal at all. Yeah, sure, maybe it was a perk or maybe it was just a bargain you had to strike to get me to play along, maybe you just wanted to keep your dick wet. But don’t act like this isn’t a totally selfish move on your part!” I snap. “I just want to know why you had to dirty my hands as well? You could’ve been singlehandedly responsible for the deaths of everyone upstairs, but no one in the basement did anything wrong! Why did I have to kill Zexion?”

He’s quiet for a long time and I can tell he’s struggling to give me any sort of answer. Finally, he sighs.

“For Saix.” My stomach feels like it is being yanked out of my bellybutton. I fight the urge to vomit. “We had plans to overthrow Xemnas, get our hearts back faster, but he needed to climb up the ranks. Now there are only two members between he and Xemnas.”

The reality of it all makes me want to die. Has Axel ever been there for me? Has a single word about my past ever been true, or was it a fabrication from Saix, who fucking hates me, passed on to a man I would listen to? Was that the sole reason I was pulled out of the fire of my ship crashing was so that I could be a pawn for them to use, Saix playing bad cop and Axel playing good cop. 

“For Saix?” The words don’t sound like mine, and feeling twice as hollow as I know the man in front of me is, my body moves of its own accord, rising and flying to the bed, arm cranked back. I don’t even register what I’m doing until my knuckles make contact with Axel’s jaw. His head jerks back and I throw an elbow into him, knocking him onto the bed. I go to aim another punch and he catches my wrist in his hand, looking up at me, eyes burning. “You used me for Saix?”

“We’ve got a plan, Rueki! I drop you off in some Back o’ Beyond for a little while, I go back to the castle, assure Xemnas that all is well, within a month Saix and I take him down, I get my heart back and then I come find you! Happily ever after, isn’t that what you wanted?” He shouts.

“Fuck you!” I scream, desperately trying to free my fist from his grasp, but he’s a hell of a lot stronger than me. He flips me over with the twist of his hips and puts me on my back, restraining both of my hands above my head. “You have never given a single fuck about me, don’t start pretending that you do now! You have proved time and time again that all I am is convenient to you! You couldn’t bother to tell me the truth about not having a heart when you knew I was falling for you—”

“I thought you knew!” He roars.

“You couldn’t bother to tell me the truth about what your plans were in this castle, you couldn’t even bother to tell me the fucking truth about turning my friend into Marluxia’s little fucking monster! Sora is a demon, no better than you, he is not the boy that saved my world anymore and it’s entirely because you had to play your little games!” I spit.

“He’s going to be fine, Rueki, it’ll take time, but Naminé can put him back together!” He insists.

“But at what cost?” We stay like that, huffing and puffing, him restraining me for what feels like a century and I feel angry tears prickle at my vision, but I don’t want him to be granted the satisfaction in knowing that he’s broken me. “I wish Sora killed you in that battle. You’re the one that deserves to fade.” 

He tears himself off of me and is suddenly half way across the room, bridge of his nose pinched between his fingers.

“You need to go.” He finally says.

“Why? Cuz you’re finally accepting that you fucked up?” I snap.

“No. Cuz if you don’t get the fuck out of here, I’m going to hit you.” 

I climb up off of the bed, brushing myself off.

“Open a portal.” I order, he does, and this time, I don’t regret a single word I’ve said to him. “Why didn’t you just let me die when my Gummi Ship caught fire.”

“Cuz I’ve fucking told you a thousand times, I have done every single thing to keep you alive, to protect you. And when things started to get serious, I made choices that would get us one step closer to a happy ending.” He insists, but with a cold gaze, I realize I don’t believe him. And that is the hardest pill to swallow. “I wanted to love you so bad, Rueki. You were the one thing that I tried to hold onto.” 

I look from him to the portal, and I know I can change the course of everything right now. I can throw my arms around him and declare my love. I can hide out in whatever world he’s sending me to until he shows up with a heart full of reciprocations and the promise of a happy future together. I can make the choice to forgive him.

But I can’t forget this.

“You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me.” I walk through the portal and—

I’m falling.

Falling through the air. Below me is a slate grey city, but unlike The World That Never Was, this one is sunny, lit by the flashing lights of billboards and the colorful attire of pedestrians. Fear grips me and I cannot help it, as I prepare for impact, a scream flies from my lips, a reflex.

Simultaneously, two things happen.

I hear Axel call out: “Rueki?” and I crash to the ground, but I don’t crash. Like a specter, I float gently onto the world in front of me. For a split second, I wonder if people are going to look at me, if they’re going to ask questions and wonder why the hell a girl fell from the sky. But although I hear their voices, loud and chattering noisily, I notice that if I reach my hand out, I pass right through them.

“What the fuck?” I shout, hoping my volume attracts attention. Suddenly, Axel is at my side and I narrow my eyes. “The fuck did you do to me?”

“I heard you scream, what’s wrong?” His tone doesn’t actually express worry, more a formality, I suppose, but now something is legitimately wrong. I reach my hand out and show him that I pass through people. His eyes go wide. “Shit.”

“Get us out of here, you chose poorly, pick a different world, asshole.” I order. He rolls his eyes dramatically at me and in the time it takes him to do that, a loud beeping noise sounds off from inside his coat and inside the pocket of my belt. We look to each other, eyebrows inclined, but I rummage through my pocket as he digs into his coat. The both of us pull out standard looking black cell phones—basic flip phones. 

“This yours?” He asks me and I shake my head.

“I was gonna ask you the same thing.” I flip open this strange new phone and see a text on the screen.

‘Message From The Reapers:  
X=208/2  
T= 30  
Incompletes will be erased’

“Is this math class?” I snort, but I look to Axel who has a horrified expression on his face.

“I fucked up.” He breathes. “Rueki, we’ve gotta get the hell outta here now.” But before he has the chance to wave his hand, a sharp pain pierces into the skin of my palm and I grunt in pain. He winces and pulls off his glove. 

Etched into the skin of our hands is a timer, and it’s counting down.

30:00, 29:59, 29:58, 29:57


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Just wanna say, once more with feeling, how INCREDIBLY grateful I am for all of the reviews and the kudos and the views, this story has been so much fun to write thus far and I can only hope it has been just as fun to read and that, the more we dive into things, the better it'll be! Once again, as a warning, this chapter, all the way through chapter 21 will contain spoilers for the game 'The World Ends With You', which is also a Square Enix game, and you'll probably recognize Neku and Shiki from Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance! I really hope the game they originate in will be a playable world in KH3, because truly, TWEWY and Shibuya have changed my life, honestly if you like KH, you'll love TWEWY. This chapter is gonna mainly explain to you guys the premise of TWEWY, that way those of you who haven't played it and don't know anything about Shiki, Neku, Joshua, Beat and Rhyme, will have an understanding of what's going on!  
> Love you guys, hope you enjoy!

XVI.

I watch the timer tick down on my hand helplessly. 

“Fuck.” Axel curses. I don’t even know what to do, I look over the text again and again, eyes squinted. “I’m sorry, Rueki, I’m fucking sorry.” And this is the first time he’s ever said it. I know that I should be making a snarky comment or telling him to piss off, but instead, my brain cannot even process everything happening. His fear, his confusion, the timer on my hand, the fact that he has tried and failed to open a portal.

“104.” I say. Axel looks at me like perhaps I’m having a stroke. “It’s 208/2, its basic math, we have thirty minutes to get there.” I don’t want to fathom what incompletes will be erased means, and I don’t have any idea what the fuck a 104 is, but it’s something, and in light of everything, I have certainly learned that all I can try to do is solve the problem at hand.

“You still with me, Rueks? We have a bigger issue at hand then math. We’re playing the Reaper’s Game, we’re tethered to this world.” He tells me, which makes absolutely zero fucking sense to me.

“No, clearly there’s not a bigger issue at hand. You fucked us up, we can’t get out of here, it looks like our options are play whatever this ‘Reaper’s Game’ is, or we screwed.” I tell him. “Speaking of which, where the hell are we?” 

“Shibuya. I meant to send us to the RG, but looks like the portal of darkness couldn’t tell the difference and sent us to the UG.” He says.

“Am I supposed to understand what any of this means?” I ask, but before I can get an answer, some strange, blue frog looking thing hops over. I brace myself, because something tells me this thing is a Heartless. “I thought you said this world wasn’t taken by darkness!”

“That’s not a Heartless…Couldn’t tell you what the hell it is, but it’s not a Heartless.”

Suddenly, I’m on my own, standing in the middle of an empty street as this thing hops over to me. I run to charge at it and realize that I go right through it. Fuck, it’s like the people in the street. What the hell am I? A ghost?

But no, the frog is able to hit me. It leaps off of me and the impact of it hopping knocks me back. Fuck. Fuck, I am so screwed. As quick as I can, I take off in a sprint, and suddenly, I’m standing beside Axel again, but more frogs are hopping toward us.

“Did you just…?” I start.

“Yeah, you too?” He asks.

“Yep.” I say. “We are so fucked.”

“Hey! You’ve gotta form a pact!” I look around to see where the voice is coming from and my eyes quickly lock on to a trendy looking teenage girl, with long pink hair and eyes the color of cinnamon.

“I don’t know what that means!” I shout back at her. I don’t know who she is and how she can see me, but she stands beside a boy with spikey orange hair, who is probably the same age as…

Zexion.

Fuck. 

I feel sick.

“Fuse your energy with his!” The boy snaps, like he is utterly irritated with my existence.

“Okay, okay, jeez!” I roll my eyes. I’m gonna fight this kid, straight up. 

“I don’t know if I can, Rueks. I dunno if it takes a heart.” Axel murmurs, so only I can hear and I bark a laugh.

“Oh, I’m not forming anything with you, I’ll find someone else.” I snort.

“Good luck with that.” Orangey-locks says to me, and seriously, I thought I had a chip on my shoulder.

“We thought we were the only two players, there won’t be anyone else. You guys have got to form a pact!” The girl insists a lot more helpfully. Suddenly, her and the boy disappear, as though they are being teleported away. I look to Axel with hard eyes, the frogs hop closer.

“Fuck me.” I pinch my eyes shut, trying to feel for Axel’s energy and I instantly sense it, vibrant and red, just like him. I latch onto it and suddenly I see the two of us, standing in a blinding white light. My heart leaps and suddenly we’re just standing on the street again. The frogs approach and I charge into battle. 

Again, I don’t see Axel and I’m standing in the street, alone, with three blue frogs this time. But this time, on the pocket of my belt, I see four pins. A green one with a leaf on it, a gold one with three scratches down it, a white one with a star on it and a black one with what looks like a white skull on it. I don’t ask questions, instead I try to swipe at the frogs. This time, my claw pierces right on through and my eyes light up. These fuckers are in for it. I swipe though another one and somehow, as I do, I can feel Axel’s energy, working in tandem with mine. In my minds eye, I can see him fighting, slashing at the other blue frog with his chakrams and before I can get to it, it disappears. I blink.

We’re suddenly standing in the middle of everything, the other girl and boy looking at us, exhausted.

“Quick! You guys get to Ten-Four! We’ll hold them off!” The girl insists.

“What the hell is a ten four?” I ask.

“Literally three steps in front of you.” The boy rolls his eyes.

“Smarmy little asshole.” I grumble.

“C’mon Rueks, we’ll figure this out.” Axel says. I narrow my eyes.

“Stop fucking calling me that.” I sprint forward, through the throng of people that seems to be overpowering everything. For some reason, I can feel the weight of their thoughts. My fingers brush the black skull pin on my pouch and suddenly I gasp, eyes going wide as my head is flooded with thoughts. Not just the weight of them, and not all mine. I hear everyone’s head racing and I quickly tear my hand away. Well that was absolutely terrible.

Axel is at my tail as we move past a final crowd and to—a skyscraper? A mall, the numbers 104 written on the front and I raise an eyebrow.

“Is it really this easy?” I hear Axel’s voice behind me and I look down at my palm. The timer is suddenly gone and I whip around to him.

“Try to open a portal again.” I order, he waves his hand, and once more, nothing appears. “Fuck.”

“Rueki, do you know anything about the Reaper’s Game?” He asks. 

“No, obviously fucking not.” I snap. 

“Are you capable of being anything other than a huge pain in my ass?” He throws his hands up. 

“You two are something else.” I’m about to make a shit comment at Axel, but I realize the voice is gruff, like sandpaper, like years of smoking cigarettes, like static on the radio, most definitely not his. The two of us look to the source, both of our arms crossed, torsos still angled toward each other and I’m embarrassed about what that says about me, that even after all of this, he’s the place I turn when faced with a potential threat.

A man stands a few feet away from us in a short sleeved button up, a vest and dark jeans. He’s got dark hair and dark stubble decorating his jaw line, he grins at us through a pair of dark sunglasses as he strides over.

“I already told Phones and The Young Lady this last week, you’ve gotta cooperate with one another if you expect to make it through these next six days. Today’s mission was easy, but this GM’s out for blood. I don’t think he’ll care whether it’s from the ones who thwarted him last week or you two.” The man insists. Axel looks him over with narrowed eyes.

“Listen dude, I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about, but maybe you should mind your business and let my partner and I take care of our own shit.” I sneer.

“Not a good idea, Rueks, this guy isn’t human.” Axel says.

“Fuck you, we’re not friends.” I remind Axel, who just rolls his eyes like I’m a minor annoyance, a fly buzzing around his food. I curl my hands into a fist. Fuck him, fuck him and how he thinks it’s totally acceptable to brush my emotions aside with the swipe of his hand. 

“Neither are you, but hey, I dig the trench coat. Scream’s serial killer, but in the best way.” The man says and to my chagrin, I bite back a smile. Maybe Axel’s met his match.

“Name’s Axel. A-X-E-L, got it memorized?” Axel extends a gloved hand to the man, who actually grins wildly.

“Axel, that’s perfect. What about your girl?” The man asks.

“I’m not his anything, I don’t know who you are.” I scowl. I’ve wasted enough time giving the benefit of the doubt to strange people who didn’t deserve it, and that’s how I ended up here. 

“The name’s Sanae Hanekoma. I’m a guardian of sorts in the Reaper’s Game.” He tells me.

Finally, through gritted teeth, I say “Rueki.”

“Now why don’t you tell me how you got here, kids, hmm?” Sanae asks and I glare, because he can’t be much older than Axel and I. Possibly even the same age as Axel. I’m so over this shit.

“Maybe you should tell us how to get out of here first?” I snip.

“Ouch. Hell hath no fury like a scorned woman.” Sanae says and my face goes red.

“I am so not in the mood. Come find me when you know how to get out of here.” I wave my hand, starting to trudge off.

“I wouldn’t do that, blondie.” Sanae tries. “You leave this area and the GM’ll end the day.” 

“Okay, but do you realize that you make absolutely zero sense?” I throw my arms in the air. “I’m so over this whole talking in riddles thing. You can either give us some straight answers, or we can end the day.”

“She’s going to be the death of you.” Sanae tells Axel who just nods.

“Yeah.” Axel agrees.

“Okay, blondie. Whatcha wanna know?” Sanae asks. 

“Everything. What is a UG and an RG, and what is a Reaper and the Reaper’s game and why did I need to bond with him of all people?” I shout.

“Well blondie, I’ll tell you first of all: without him, you’re screwed. All bets are off. He dies, you get seven minutes to say your goodbyes, and you’ll follow. You can’t make it in Shibuya without your partner.” Which is great, because our lifelines being tethered is what landed us in this situation in the first place. I just can’t wait to see what new ways he plans to emotionally abuse and manipulate me in this strange new world. “We are currently in the UG, the Underground. It’s where the Reaper’s Game exists and is controlled by the Composer. The RG on the other hand, is everything you see existing around you, all of the people, passing through you. The two exist simultaneously, never crossing except for in a few stores with a special decal on the window. You’ll know it when you see it, you guys’ll be able to do some shopping if you wanna. As far as Reaper’s go, they’re the ones enforcing the rules. Not all of them are cut from the same cloth. Some are harriers, others are support, but you’ll know them for sure by their wings. The GM, the Game Master is a Reaper as well, but of a higher caliber. And this week’s GM is something else. I’m afraid you got caught in the middle of a penalty game that Phones and The Young Lady got forced into, which is how I know you’re not players. No way in hell did the Composer want any outliers.” Sanae tells us.

“And you’re the Composer.” Axel more accuses than asks and Sanae laughs.

“Close, my new friend, but no cigar. Though I’d be more than happy to tell you all about it if you tell me about what’s happening in there.” He reaches out and pokes Axel in the chest. I don’t ask how he knows this, I don’t ask Axel how he can tell that this man wearing jeans and sandals is someone of power. I’m just going to assume it’s some sort of inhuman connection. “No, but I know who the Composer is. Keep that under your hood though, his identity is supposed to be a secret.” 

“Then you can explain to him that we weren’t supposed to be players.” I try.

“I wish. He’s impossible, even worse than you, blondie. Now that you’re here, you’re stuck. You’ve got to make it through the week. Complete the missions, don’t get erased and work together.” He says.

“So we’ll get a new mission every day?” Axel asks, Sanae shrugs.

“You should, but this GM is a wildcard. For the life of me, I don’t know why he was given two games in a row. But hell, nothing surprises me at this point. Like I said, those other two you met in the Scramble have already played a game, it doesn’t happen often that players get to choose to try again.” Sanae tells us.

“Does that mean even if we make it, we might have to play a penalty game?” I ask, brow drawing together, because I just wanna get the hell out of here as fast as possible. Nothing is going to be easy with Axel at my side, not the rage, not the hurt, I just want to, for the first time since knowing him, move on altogether. 

“Nah, you guys aren’t even officially players. Just happened into the Scramble Crossing during the wrong time.” He says.

“But we still have to complete the missions?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Consider it the best of both worlds. You guys get to hang out in Shibuya and rebuild whatever the hell is going on here, but you don’t have to pay an entry fee, like all of the other players do. They’ve got to give up what’s most valuable to them.” 

“But what’s with this whole ‘incompletes will be erased’ thing?” I ask.

“Yeah, well, if you don’t complete your missions or if you get killed off by Noise along the way--those frogs you fought, are Noise, but there are a lot of different breeds—you get erased from…well existence.” He confesses.

“I think I’d rather have to give up an entry fee.” I mutter, because to be honest, I don’t know what more I could possibly have left to lose.

“How do we beat this thing?” Axel asks, rubbing the back of his head.

“Make it seven days. The GM will challenge the players at the end of the week, but unfortunately, that means the Reapers can challenge you as well. Just beat the GM and you’ll be in the clear.” Sanae tells us. 

“So, what’s with the pins?” Axel raises an eyebrow, and suddenly I see, on the sleeve of his coat an assortment of three pins, one being the black skull one I have.

“Your psychs, it’s how you fight. Looks like you’ve got a physical attack and an elemental one. Blondie over here has a physical, an alchemical—nice, haven’t seen that in a minute—and a healing one. The skulls are pins given to players. They grant you certain abilities.” He says and my stomach turns.

“Can I just take it off? I really don’t need to read anyone’s mind ever again.” I insist and Sanae snorts.

“Heh, it’s like some sort of cosmic joke that you two ended up here. You remind me more of Him than anyone else I’ve ever met.” I don’t know who He is, nor do I particularly care, I’m no longer interested in giving the time of day to someone who won’t even give me a straight answer. “No, you can’t take it off, I don’t think you’d be able to if you tried. Besides, the pins don’t just scan peoples minds, though you can control how to turn that on and off if you choose. It allows you to scan the area for Noise. They shouldn’t be able to attack you…not unless…” He draws a hand up to his jaw.

“Unless?” Axel tries.

“Just be on your guard. Like I said, this GM is something else. He’s been known to cook up a special, taboo kind of Noise that can attack players, unprovoked. It’s been months since he’s tried that though.” He says, fixing his sunglasses. “Now my turn. Seriously, how’d you two end up here?”

“It’s his fault.” I point a thumb at Axel.

“Hey, this is no time for placing the blame.” Sanae insists.

“Nah, this time she’s right. A pain in my ass, but I’ll give her this one. You wanna talk about what is or isn’t beating in my chest, I’m sure you’ve heard of Nobodies.” Axel tries and Sanae nods.

“Yeah, not my realm, but I’m picking up what you’re laying down. That would put you in a place where the Heartless resonate in, yeah?” He asks.

“You got it.” Axel says.

“But if this place doesn’t have Heartless then how do you know what they are?” I ask.

“Let’s just say this isn’t the only realm I oversee, blondie. Anyhow, that mean you’re a Nobody?” Sanae asks and Axel nods. 

“Yep, tried to get this one out of my hair—”

“Fuck you.” I counter.

“And ended up in the UG instead of the RG. The moment I realized something was wrong, I came after her and when I realized that this wasn’t the Shibuya I’d heard of, was right when we were assigned a mission. I tried to summon a portal, but I assumed we were locked in for the remainder of the game.” Axel says, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Well that was your issue there, traveling through darkness is a one way ticket to the UG.” Sanae tells us. “But yeah, your assumption is correct. You’re stuck here.”

“Looks like someone didn’t do his research. A half baked idea, as per usual.” I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

“Really why are you still speaking?” Axel seethes and I balk.

“Um fuck you, first of all—” I start, when Sanae cuts me off.

“Well, you and your partner are a force to be reckoned with, I’m sure. But you’ve gotta trust each other. That’s the number one rule in Shibuya.” Well, then I guess we’re going to die. “You saw it yourself, you couldn’t fight until you two had formed a pact. And I’m sure I don’t need to tell you twice: one of you dies, you’re both out of luck.”

He’s right and I hate it, my eyes dart to Axel and I feel his on me. This isn’t going to work. No way in hell, not after everything that happened in Oblivion. We can fight the glorified Heartless—Noise my ass—and complete these missions but if Axel thinks my life is going anywhere near his hands and that my heart might be bared to him ever again, he’s got another thing coming. What a joke, just when I swear the Universe couldn’t possibly have a more twisted sense of irony, we wind up in this nightmare. I just want to wake up.

“Then I guess we’re screwed.” I quip.

“Can you, for like five fucking seconds pretend that you give a shit about anything other than your own ego?” He snaps.

“Oh, that’s really rich coming from you!” I throw my hands up.

“Hey, hey, none of that. You two seriously wanna do this the hard way?” Sanae asks.

“We just broke up.” Axel tries.

“More like he used me to do his bidding and manipulated my heart to his advantage, despite swearing to me that he had my back.” I correct.

“Why the hell do you always have to make things difficult? I was giving the man a brief rundown, and you have to convolute the hell out of everything, as per usual because you are literally incapable of shutting your mouth.” Axel grumbles, pinching the bridge of his nose, as though I am a headache and good, if I am, it’s only a fraction of the pain of what he’s caused me.

“Oh I make things difficult? You are the one who goes behind my back every chance I get, consistently treating me like I’m a fucking animal that you can lead around with a piece of meat.” And I actually stomp my foot. I don’t care how childish it looks.

 

“Well if the shoe fits, sweetheart.” He seethes and I lunge at him, but as quick as I do, Sanae grabs me by the hood and yanks me back. I offer him a dirty look.

“You two are gonna be tough eggs to crack.” He says. “You’ll learn. One way or the other.”

I want to make a snide comment, I want to yell at Axel, I want to tell him everything I’ve already said and then some, I don’t care if I’m being repetitive. I want to expel every ounce of hurt from my system and pawn it onto him. Not that he’ll be able to feel it in the first place, but this is too much, it’s suffocating, crippling, and if I don’t scream, I’m going to drown in it. All of these well played insults brew in my head, but before I can even open my mouth to release them, I start to realize what Sanae Hanekoma means about the GM ending the day.

The sun disappears.

I lose consciousness.


	17. Chapter 17

XVII. 

I wake up in the same place Axel dropped me in, what did Sanae call it? The Scramble Crossing? I have no memory of going to sleep, my head isn’t throbbing with an impending concussion, the day just ended.

I’m standing on my own two feet, Axel stands a few feet in front of me, fumbling with his phone. I look to mine and see no new text messages with mission mail, there’s not a timer on my hand, but thanks to our guardian of sorts yesterday, I’m not fool enough to believe that Axel will be able to open up a portal. He looks at me, face blank and uninterested, exactly what I would expect of someone without a heart.

“You’re up.” He says, curtly.

“I have absolutely nothing to say to you.” I do though, I have a thousand insults I want to hurl and even more accusations I want to make, but saying I don’t makes me sound a lot more above things, and maybe that’s what I need to be.

“Good, because your voice was starting to irritate.” I want to punch him, but instead, I keep my arms crossed tightly to my chest, balling my fists. Maybe he thinks I’ll do what I always do and forgive him, all he’ll have to do is push me to a breaking point and I’ll crawl back into his arms. But he doesn’t understand what it means to hate someone like this. To give someone my undying trust and have it slammed back into my face. He hasn’t just hurt me, he has taken me into his hands and crumbled me into dust. There are no pieces to put back together because there are no pieces left.

My phone chimes and I look down at it.

‘X= √ 4  
Erase the pigs  
T= 60 mins  
Incompletes will be erased’

A timer burns into my hand and I wince, looking down.

60:00, 59:59, 59:58

I want to ask what the hell is with the fucking math, but I don’t want Axel to be granted the satisfaction of hearing me speak, so I start calculating in my head. Well, the square root of 4 is obviously 2, and pigs…I wonder. I tap my Player Pin to scan the area and I grin. Sanae said that there were all different classes of Noise, we fought frogs yesterday, so why not pigs? Sure enough, I see two little green symbols that look like pig noses floating in front of me. I quickly rush in toward one, hearing Axel shout ‘what the hell, Rueki?’ behind me. I’m taken to the realm of combat, and I’m sure he’s on the other end. Above the pig’s head is a flame, which is obvious enough. I find what is left of a bomb core—hopefully this thing works and go to load it into Survivor, but before I can, the pig disappears. Good, Axel has sufficiently done his job. We leave the realm and he looks to me, eyes blazing.

“Seriously? Ever hear of, I dunno, having a conversation with me? You seem to have no issues running your mouth otherwise, maybe give me the heads up before you go chagrining into a fight! It’s not just your life on the line, it’s mine too!” He reminds me, but I just roll my eyes.

“Maybe don’t slow me down, then.” I tap my player pin.

“You wanna tell me what the hell you’re doing?” He asks.

“Completing this mission, dumbass.” I offer. “Erase the pigs, that was a pig. Square root of four is two, we’ve gotta kill off two pigs.” Though I cannot see him now as I scan the area, I can suddenly feel his energy beside me as he does the same. 

“I’ll be damned.” Is all he says before I charge at the other pig. I’m ready to load up my bomb core when I realize there’s no flame above its head. And it is charging right at me, full speed ahead. I sprint at it, meeting it in the middle and unleash a combo on it. It doesn’t knock it back, but my arm moves in a flurry, fast enough that it blurs in front of my eyes, and before the pig can escape, I erase it. 

We’re back in the Scramble again, me smirking victoriously.

“You’re welcome.” Is all I offer. Trust each other my ass, sure, I trusted him to erase a pig Noise. That’s all he’s good for. No matter how much the sight of him makes my blood boil, I cannot deny that he’s strong. Strong enough to not get us killed at least.

“Look again, sweetheart.”

The timers on our hands aren’t gone. My heart jumps into my throat.

“What the fuck?” I mutter. 

“Maybe this will teach you better than to be presumptuous. You always act like you know everything about everything, never willing to listen to anyone else’s side of the story, because there can’t be anything other than yours, now can there?” He asks, with a flourish of his hands.

“Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Sometimes there’s only one side. Maybe you’d do better to accept that this one is entirely on you and that you are the toxic person.” I poke him in the chest, where there is only a hollow void.

“Takes one to know one, princess. Like you’ve never done a single selfish thing? I told you, everything I did was to keep you alive, if you wanna act like a victim because you made it through Castle Oblivion without Larxene slitting your throat, then be my guest. But maybe save the fuck ups for when your life isn’t tied to mine!” He snaps, and I throw aside any façade of holier-than-thou behavior and I reach out to slap him. He makes a face. “Damn Rueki, if you were any more predictable, I’d accuse you of not having a heart either. Maybe Del was onto something. Maybe you’re just a cold bitch and I’m your karma.” My stomach drops. I wonder if he means any of this or if he is doing this just to get under my skin. Twilight knows I showed him all of the right buttons to press.

“Don’t bring that shit into this, you made your chose to constantly keep me in the dark and lead me around like an idiot when you knew I would’ve done anything you asked anyway! I trusted you, I would’ve been happy to do whatever you asked and you know it, but instead, you decided it was easier to not communicate with me and just use me like a puppet!” I shout.

“You never trusted me for shit, let’s not pretend otherwise. You are so incredibly closed off from everything other than what’s going on in your own mind. You didn’t trust me any more than you trusted anyone else. At the end of the day, all you ever think is how much better your own plans are than everyone else’s. You did it in Motonui, when we needed Roxas to collect hearts but you wanted the glory of killing the Heartless yourself, you did it to your friends when they wanted to do a good deed for Sora, you cannot fucking help yourself. You act like just because you run your mouth and have an attitude that your opinion is the only one that matters.”

“It is! Because you couldn’t be bothered to tell me yours if your life depended on it. Not when it must be so much easier to lie to me. Why the fuck should I ever trust what comes out of your mouth?”

“Keep it up, sweetheart.” He rolls his eyes. “I don’t have a heart to break, don’t think for a second you’ll do any damage to me. But you’re not fooling anyone, trying to act like you’re not twice as selfish as I am.”

“The fact of the matter is, I didn’t force anyone to commit murder.” I seethe.

“Really? I forced you? Because last time I checked, I wasn’t there with a knife to your throat, telling you that your life depended on his. You say I’m toxic, but maybe you should reconsider just how easy it was for you to dirty your hands once I gave you the ammunition.”

I’m going to punch him. I’m going to lose my shit again. My hands shake with the rage that I am trying so hard—and failing—to repress that I don’t even know what to do anymore. Slapping him isn’t going to shut him up, and it sure as hell isn’t going to make me feel any better about myself. What the hell could I have expected from him, he doesn’t have a heart in the first place. Maybe he’s right, maybe this is on me. Maybe I’m just as much a villain as I thought I was a victim. All I know is that I cannot do this, I cannot be around him anymore. Not when he has burrowed so deep under my skin and in my head. Without even so much as a glance more at him, I stride off, not knowing where I’m going, but I want nothing more than to lose myself in the crowds that can’t even see me. I want my very existence to fade away, to turn to ash like I feel like everything in my heart already has. 

I hear Axel call after me and I take off into a sprint. Now that he can’t teleport, there’s no way he’s going to catch me. I am a blur as I zip from one street to another, the timer still ticking on the palm of my hand. Until…it isn’t. Perhaps we did clear the mission and there’s just a lag on the timer? I slow to a walk as I find myself in an alleyway with graffiti at one end, a record store and a clothing shop at the other. It’s a skater’s paradise and my hideaway. I sink to the ground beside the graffitied wall, drawing in a shaky breath. I’m not going to cry, not any more, not ever again.

But I do, like an idiot. 

I don’t know whether it’s because I’m sad or I’m angry or because I just need to dispel all of these feelings that are being bottled inside, that not enough shouting in all of the world will take care of. Who the hell am I even, anymore? I used to think of myself as being composed, cynical, logical. Fiery and defensive when I needed to be, but overall, I was the least overdramatic person I knew. I was the cold bitch. And now, I am the only one around me with any semblance of a heart, screaming not just when I need to, but whenever I can, as though it is cathartic. I am heated, irritable, irrational, completely flying off the handle every single chance I get. If this is what feeling alive means, I don’t know that I want it, because all I have felt since coming to Castle Oblivion is misery. I miss feeling numb, distanced. I thought Axel knew me, I thought he got what was going on inside my head but if he thinks that for a second I closed myself off to him and didn’t trust him, he’s an idiot. Of course I would’ve asked him why he wanted me to do something, but I would’ve gone to the ends of the earth and back for him. And that is just the problem, if I hadn’t put him first, I wouldn’t be in this predicament to begin with. So if he wants to accuse my lack of trust for the breakdown of…whatever our relationship was…then…

Then…

I pound my fist to the pavement, staring up at the sun. It’s hot in Shibuya, I hate this world. 

Fuck, maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just a miserable creature, content to only be happy when I’m unhappy. Maybe I’m selfish, proud and condescending, beyond the point of repair. 

“Awwe, poor little girl, crying her little heart out.” Says a voice like bubblegum, and for a second, I am convinced that it is Larxene and my heart stops. That would be the icing on the cake, wouldn’t it?

But no, this woman has the same icy blue eyes and porcelain skin that Larxene has, but the similarities stop there. She has short, shaggy hair, bubblegum pink to match her lips, and a body even sweeter. Like seriously, how is that fair? She stands, in a trendy turtleneck, corset, shorts and high heeled boots, leering over me, a spark lit in her eyes. It takes me all of three seconds to realize that she has skeletal, black wings protruding from her back and two seconds after that, I remember what Sanae told me and Axel yesterday.

“Reaper’s can’t target players until Day 7.” I say, voice heavy with the stupid tears that have finally stopped falling.

“Ooh, our lone wolf knows the rules. Good for you.” My eyes flick behind the woman to a redhead man, wearing a sleeveless vest, jeans and sunglasses, a lollipop dangling between his lips. He too, has black skeletal wings.

“But I don’t think she knows all of them, Kariya!” Bubblegum snaps up, tapping a well manicured finger to her chin. 

“No, certainly not, or she wouldn’t be out here wandering, all alone.” The man, Kariya grins.

“I already finished the mission and am absolutely not in the mood for this. Go bother someone else.” I wave my hand.

“Now, now, you didn’t finish the mission.” Kariya wags his finger. “Those other kids, Phones and the girl did, you just get to reap the benefits. That sound fair to you at all, Uzuki?”

“Nope! Sounds like we should punish her!” Uzuki singsongs, letting out a high, musical cackle. 

“Okay, sure, why not.” I roll my eyes. “You wanna break the rules and fight, let’s go.” I stand, limbs feeling heavy, but I roll my shoulder back. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been on the wrong end of two on one, but I’m willing to bet they’ve never fought an Alchemist before. Maybe I’ll end up with the upper hand. 

“Oh no, we won’t be fighting you.” Kariya says with the wave of his hand. “Please, even if I could, I busted my ass last week. You’re nuts if you think I’m doing it again.”

“Um, you barely lifted your hand to sick Noise on the Players.” Uzuki reminds him.

“Hey, aren’t you trying to get promoted? Gotta save the glory for you.” Kariya tries, though I have a feeling that he has pretty minimal interested in lifting a finger for anything, and without Uzuki egging him on, he’d probably be kicking back in a recliner somewhere.

“Riiight.” Uzuki rolls her eyes at him. “No, we’re not going to fight you, like Kariya said, I’m trying to get promoted, I’m not risking that for you. We’ll have to save that fight for another day, if you make it. And by if, I mean you definitely won’t.”

“A joke’s not funny if you have to explain it.” I inform her and her eyes narrow.

“You might think you’re being cute, little girl, but you’re not.” She insists.

“I’m like probably the same age as you.” I say.

“That is so not my point.” She rolls her eyes.

“Well, regardless, have fun playing kiddo, these Noise will keep you plenty of company.” Kariya starts to grin, wicked and demented as it creeps across his lips.

“Hey, that is so not fair!” Another voice, across the alley, the girl from yesterday with the pink hair—thought more of a reddish pink than Uzuki’s—has her hand on her hip and a stuffed animal dangling in the other. “Her partner isn’t even here, how do you expect her to fight?”

“That’s the point.” Uzuki rolls her eyes.

“Haven’t you two already caused enough trouble? I mean having to work all these weeks back to back is such a drag.” Kariya sighs.

“It’s literally been two weeks.” Phones mutters, from beside the girl. 

“Ahh, that’s right. He’s been tweaking your memory. Well, you wanna be heroes, be my guest. We erase you two and that’s two less that we have to deal with.” Kariya says.

“Besides, you two are worth way more points.” A deadly glint lights in Uzuki’s eye and suddenly, Phones and the girl disappear and I am left, blinking like a cartoon character.

“You lucked out, blondie. Catch you on the flipside.” Suddenly, Kariya is gone.

“Erase you tomorrow!” Uzuki laughs.

And she’s gone too.

Within a second, the girl and Phones reappear, both leaning over with their hands on their knees, huffing and puffing, hair falling in their faces.

“That one was a pain.” Phones sighs.

“But hey, aren’t you glad you wanted to check out Udagawa? I mean, imagine what she would’ve done without us?” The girl stands up straight and all but skips over to me. “Are you okay? It’s not a good idea to wander without your partner. I mean, even though the Reapers can’t personally fight you, you never know if you’ll run into any Taboo Noise or—”

“What the hell are Taboo Noise?” I ask, because I really don’t need a lecture. She’s cute as hell and I appreciate her and her partner rushing to my defense, but the fact of the matter is, until she is walking in my shoes, she’d do better keeping her opinions to herself.

“Noise that can attack you, you don’t have to scan to find them. They come at you and they hit hard. Trust me, you’re lucky you haven’t run into any.” Phones tells me.

“You guys are veteran players, right? Sanae said something about a penalty game.” I say, and I’m not sure if it’s because of my cathartic cry, because he has less of an attitude or because he saved me, but I’m mildly less eager to start a fight with Phones today.

“Sanae?” The girl raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah, Honeycomb or something like that.” I shrug.

“Hanekoma? Oh, Neku! I think she means Mr. H!” The girl says. Neku gives me a mildly irritated look, but at least has the good sense to shut his mouth.

“Right. Well, anyhow, thanks for help. And for clearing the mission. I thought I had an idea of what was going on, but I guess not. I’m not from here, I entered the game by accident.” I confess.

“Yeah, well, none of us want to do this on purpose.” Neku rolls his eyes and although I don’t understand, I do crack a smile.

“It sucks rocks.” I say and even he smiles a bit, though I can tell it physically pains him to display emotion.

“I’m Shiki, by the way! Shiki Misaki! And this is my partner, Neku!” The girl, Shiki, extends her hand to me and after a beat, I concede. I reach out and shake her hand.

“Rueki.” I say.

“And I’m Axel. A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?” Oh fuck me in half.

He stands at the other end of the alley, leaning against the wall, and I wonder how much of this he has heard, without me noticing, not that I really care. I didn’t say anything about him. And even if I did, I wouldn’t have said anything he didn’t deserve.

“Oh, your partner!” Shiki smiles. Axel pushes himself off the wall and strides over, arms still crossed to his chest. “We were just telling Rueki, you guys’ve gotta stick together! You’re totally defenseless against any attacks without each other! It’s so much easier to just take things on as a team! You get more done that way, anyway!” Kill me now.

“You don’t need to tell me that.” Axel narrows his eyes at me.

“Go fuck yourself.” I spit.

“Oh…um…” Shiki shifts from one foot to the other, anxiously and Neku heaves a sigh.

“Look, it’s about staying alive, do you want that or not?” Neku grumbles, as though this a colossal waste of his time. He’s not wrong.

“There are some things worse than death, kid.” And I cringe even as it comes out of my mouth. Could I be any more annoying if I tried?

“You are so overdramatic.” Axel says. I hate that he’s right. I want to take the words and put them right back into my mouth, but that wouldn’t do much to help. 

“If you wanna be selfish, then just stay out of our way.” Neku mutters.

“Oh, c’mon, Neku! They’ve never done this before, and it’s not like you and I didn’t have our issues when we played last week! Where would we have been without Mr. H’s help? The least we can do is encourage them!” Shiki tries, and really, the girl is too sweet. I feel like a dick, I don’t deserve her kindness.

“You don’t need to.” I try.

“Sure we do, it’s not gonna hurt anything! After all, if you and Axel get the mission’s completed and so do Neku and I, we’ll have twice the firepower! Pretty cool, huh?” She asks, and I can’t help the softening in my eyes. What I wouldn’t give to be so optimistic.

“See, what did I say, Rueks? You’re selfish. You didn’t care that my life was on the line when you took off running, and by acting out, you could’ve screwed these guys over as well. Nice job, princess. But please, tell me again about how I’m the asshole.” Axel sneers.

“That’s not helping.” Neku grumbles, under his breath.

“Yeah!” I say.

“It takes two.” Neku glares, oh what a prick.

“Hey, it’s totally normal for two strong personalities to but heads! That’s okay, you guys both have your strengths, it’s just about working with them! You’ve just gotta recognize that your partner is good and bad at stuff, just like you are, I know you guys can make this work.” Shiki encourages, I roll my eyes. “I mean when two people first meet, nothing ever goes—”

“He’s my ex.” I say.

“Oh, no more desire to elaborate? She killed someone and is blaming it on me.” Axel snarks.

“He doesn’t have a heart and manipulated me into believing it was a life or death situation by using my feelings against me!” I hiss.

“We should just go…” Neku mutters. “I know a lost cause when I see it.”

“Neku.” Shiki pleads.

“Look, you two need to figure it out, or you’re both getting erased. It really is that simple. You don’t have a choice. It doesn’t matter if you hate each other or not, work together, make it seven days, that is literally all you need to do, I don’t know how to spell it out any clearer.” Neku rolls his eyes.

“I mean, you could’ve said it a little nicer.” Shiki mumbles. Neku pouts.

“Fine, please.” He concedes, though it is hardly sincere and I have a feeling that he’s only saying it for Shiki’s benefit.

“What do you want us to do, have a couples counselling session in the middle of the damn alley?” I huff. 

“It’s not like anyone can see you.” Neku mutters. I look to Axel, he looks at me.

“Fine, thanks for not dying in any battles we’ve been in together. You’re a champ, seriously.” I roll my eyes.

“That was a good start but…” Shiki begins.

“Just say three damn nice things to each other. That’s it.” Neku sighs. He mutters something under his breath about this being hopeless and Shiki owes him chicken nuggets, but I can’t make out anything more specific. I look to Axel, arms crossed to my chest.

“Ladies first.” He says.

“Are you serious? You are the one that fucked up, you should be apologizing for—”

“Rueki, um, that’s not really helping.” Shiki says.

This is literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

But I guess I do wanna live.

“Fine. You’re strong, I’ll give you that.” I might have been being sarcastic when I said I appreciated him not dying, but it wasn’t a lie. Unlike him, I’m not completely full of shit. “You’re…creative.” He’s great at pulling nonsense out of his ass, but I mean, if he can spin words to make them sound lovely and convincing, then why can’t I? “And stuff that other people say doesn’t bother you, you’re true to yourself.” Because he’s heartless and self serving, and there’s no one else to be true to because every time someone lays themselves out on the line, he walks all over them. Or maybe that’s just me.

I can tell that he’s not excited, nor does he take my compliments seriously, but I guess we’re both down to fake it until we make it.

“You’re smart, Rueks, you might’ve been off in regards to today’s mission, but it was a good guess. And you’re driven, you don’t stay down long no matter what hits you.” He tells me, and I shift uncomfortably, because this isn’t what I expected out of today. I doubt he’s being sincere either, I’m sure he’s in this just to stay alive, just like me and that’s fine. “And, well, what you said. You’re true to yourself, you didn’t let Marluxia or Sora or anyone sway you.” Except for Axel himself. And maybe that’s what bugs me the most. The one time I follow someone else’s agenda and it ends with me getting betrayed by the person I put above all others.

I’ve learned my lesson, compliments or no. 

I’m never going to let him get a leg up on me like that again.  
 


	18. Chapter 18

XVIII.

We wake up in the Scramble again, day 3, and this time, when I wake, Axel is in an animated conversation with Neku and Shiki. I guess I'm thankful. At least with them here, there’s a buffer. At least with them here, I’m reminded to cooperate, however begrudgingly, with Axel. Neku may have a shit approach, but he was right. If it’s life or death, Axel did keep me alive. That is the truth. Whether he had unsavory motivations behind it or not is besides the point. Right now, the only thing that matters is playing this game to completion and making it out alive. I’m still allowed to hate him when I’m safely in a different world.

“Oh, you’re up!” Shiki chirps as I make my way over to the group. “We still haven’t gotten mission mail yet.” 

“Shiki wants to go shopping, you should go with her.” Axel says with the wave of his hand.

“Not that I’m casting aside a chance at getting away from you, but was it not just established yesterday that I’m not allowed to be without my partner? I’d really rather not get lectured by teenagers again.” I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. Neku rolls his eyes.

“Right, sorry for helping.” He mutters, barely audible.

“You are such a turd.” I tell him. He just looks at me like 'why are you talking?'.

“What they’re trying to do is get out of going themselves. But Axel was just saying Mr. H already told you guys that trends influence Shibuya. What’s popular in the RG determines the strength of our pins in the UG, so even if our pins aren’t trending, we can still compensate by buying the right clothes!” Shiki insists. “And I mean come on, who doesn’t love shopping?”

“You’re really living for this.” I catch myself smiling a bit.

“I wanna be a designer, of course I’m living for fashion.” She beams. “And you’re in a better mood.” 

“I so don’t need to be a part of this.” Neku shakes his head.

Suddenly our phones chime and Shiki pouts.

“Guess shopping will have to wait for another day, princess.” Axel tells her.

‘KHDUDCM  
Q  
.029m  
ZmVl  
U=Cups  
Four Leaf Clover  
100 mins  
Incompletes will be erased’

A timer is branded into my hand, today it doesn’t bite nearly as much, probably because I expect it. But this mission is….

 

“What the real life fuck.” Neku mutters.

“Kid, you took the words right out of my mouth.” Axel replies.

“Ugh, seriously, why do none of these missions make sense?” Shiki stomps her foot. She seems to hold her breath for a moment, rubbing the back of her neck, staring at a picture on her phone for a minute. Just as quickly as she got upset, she bounces back like a rubber ball, a smile lighting her pretty face. “Okay, we can do this. But um, where do we even start?” 

“Well we can move the decimal back, so now we’re looking at 29m, not .0029.” I say. She and Axel look at me like I’ve grown a second head.

“Okay, I’ll bite. Why?” Axel sighs.

“If you really trusted me, you wouldn’t ask why.” I toss my ponytail smugly over my shoulder, quite satisfied at having thrown his own words back at him. 

“Um, Rueki, I’d like to know why, too.” Shiki says, lacing her fingers together.

“KHDUDCM, is the conversion chart for units of measurement, ‘m’ being milli, being the smallest unit of measurement. Move the decimal back to ‘u’, or cups, and you get 29 m.” I explain. “Though that really doesn’t make anything clearer.”

“Why are you focusing on a bunch of jumbled numbers and letters when we’ve been left an obvious clue?” Neku asks, tilting his hand upward in a half shrug. “Cups. There aren’t too many landmarks in Shibuya related to cups.” 

To be honest, it’s not a bad guess, and he and Shiki figured out yesterday’s mission when my best ideas couldn’t. He’s got experience, smarmy kid or not, I trust his opinion more than I do my own partner’s. My eyes dart to Axel’s assessing his expression, which is carefully neutral, mood concealed beneath vibrant green eyes. I didn’t realize my heart could hurt any more than it already did. Maybe I’m not really putting my survival first. Maybe I just hurt too much and am too tired to fight with him. Maybe there is a part of me that still wants everything to be okay.

Apparently I have turned into a sap.

“Okay, kid, I’m game.” I say. 

“Really?” Axel raises an eyebrow, arms crossed to his chest.

“Sure, he and Shiki seem to know what’s up. Why not?” I shrug. He doesn’t say another word and that bothers me more than anything else in the world. I want to close the distance between us, grab him by the edges of his hood and demand that he say something to me. But I don’t want to scream anymore, and forgiving him would land me right back at square one. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

“Well cups, you could go Ramen Don, or that Shadow Ramen place that went under a few months ago, any restaurant really…” Shiki taps her chin.

“Or Wildkat.” Neku offers.

“Neku, that’s a genius idea! And even if the mission is not on Cat Street, we can at least get Mr. H’s input!” Shiki claps her hands together, so enthused that I don’t think Neku actually buys her enjoyment, but he goes along with it, a small smile gracing his features. He’s silent for a long moment and I can’t really tell what’s going on in his mind, but I’ll give the kid this, he’s bright. 

“What does he have to do with a Wildkat or Cat Street?” I ask.

“You mean he didn’t tell you? Mr. H owns a coffee shop on Cat Street called Wildkat.” Shiki says.

“I’m surprised he didn’t mention it, he tried really hard to sell us on it.” Neku confesses. Cups of coffee, sure, I guess that would work. Anything to get out of this mess a little faster works in my book.

“Well, lead the way.” Axel says with the flourish of his hand. Shiki nods, enthusiastically, seemingly genuinely happy to be able to help and it’s…nice to watch. And I’m envious, if I have to be honest, which I suppose I owe to myself.

I’m mad at Axel, of course I am, but at the end of it all I am so utterly betrayed, distraught and devastated because there was still a part of me that truly believed that even though he doesn’t have a heart, we could still make it out just fine. I’m shattered, because even before all of this, even before the whole ‘trust your partner to stay alive’ nonsense, I thought he was my partner and I did trust him, wholeheartedly. Maybe I’m pissed that I chose to end a life, even though I thought I had a good reason, and I needed to blame him because I found out my reasoning wasn’t even all that great. Maybe I’m repressing everything and the backlash is just hitting him. I am so thankful that I do not dream when the GM ends the day, because I don’t want to know what is lurking in the darkest corners of my brain, but I fear it’s Axel with a knife to my back.

And more to the point, despite all of that, I just want a release. To take everything that I carry on my shoulders and let it fall to the floor. And maybe I could if I wasn’t such a rotten person, holding onto these things, letting them stick to me as though I am made of glue. I just want to smile like Shiki does, to be so full of smiles and genuine goodness and bounce with every step I take. If I had the choice at a do-over, I’d let Naminé strip my memories clean, make me a blank slate, a doll. I don’t need any of them if it’s going to mean I have to feel like this.

The four of us take off past a series of department stores and make our way to yet another shopping center. This one is more spacious, with more road to walk in, though it doesn’t make the RG any less crowded. I am annoyed that Axel’s brain seems to be functioning on the same wavelength as mine.

“Jeez, is it always this crowded here?” He asks, rubbing the back of his neck.

“You think this is bad, you should go inside Ten-Four. There’s not even enough room to move your elbows.” Neku grumbles.

“That’s one of my favorite things about Shibuya, though, there’s so much going on, not to mention it’s like a living organism, breathing art, music and fashion into the rest of the world.” Shiki insists.

“It’d be easy to lose yourself in.” I nod, and if I’m being honest, that’s all I want to do right now. Disappear into the crowd and never resurface. I feel Axel’s hand wrap around my arm and my heart leaps into my throat as I jerk it away. He heaves a sigh and rolls his eyes, his arms instantly crossing to his chest as though he never reached out to me in the first place.

We continue, past a giant tower of a record store, an underpass and jeez, I am straight up out of breath, this GM conjured the mission from hell, sending us half way across town. 

“Teleporting is so much easier.” Axel huffs and dammit, why is he on the same page in my head that I’m on? Are we that fucking alike?

…Are we too alike?

“Is the GM this big of an asshole all the time?” I ask and Neku literally snorts.

“He’s the worst.” Neku concurs.

“I wish I paid more attention in Algebra.” Shiki confesses. “Everything is an equation, all the time, it’s like it’s not even written for any normal person to understand.”

“I mean, I was just referring to all this running.” I say.

“Guess your old age is getting to you.” I’m surprised to see Neku staring off into the clouds, inconspicuously, a smirk touching just the corner of his lips. Little asshole. Axel barks out a laugh and I turn to him and glare.

“Hey, if you’re gonna be pissed at me, I’m gonna reap the benefits, sweetheart.” He replies with a shrug. I kind of hate that I love how perfectly at ease he is.

“Anyhow. Any great idea what ‘four leaf clover’ means?” I ask.

“I don’t actually know.” Shiki tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “But I’m sure we’ll be able to figure it out when we get to Cat Street!” 

“If the mission means Cat Street.” Axel reminds her.

We go through a park and then, we’re at Cat Street, and tucked at the edge of the street, I see a little café. Must be Sanae Hanekoma’s shop. Something stands out though, in the middle of this quaint little area, much quieter than anywhere else in Shibuya, is a sculpture about as tall as a building made of…

“Trash?” I raise an eyebrow.

“The Grim Heaper.” Neku mutters.

“The GM has been known to make things like that… and then hide in them.” Shiki chews her lip. Bravely, Axel walks over to it.

“I dunno, this one looks pretty deserted.” Axel replies.

“Guess we got lucky.” Neku says.

I tap my player pin and suddenly, I see a cluster of four Noise.

“Four leaf clover maybe referring to this nightmare.” I say and suddenly, I feel Neku, Shiki and Axel all present with me.

“Look again.” Neku says. I turn and realize that this is one of four clusters. Fuck me. 

“So what are we thinking? You and Shiki take on two, Rueks and I go after the other two?” Axel asks.

“You think the two of you can cooperate?” Neku mutters and I hear the unspoken question: or are you just going to get in our way?

He’s not wrong for thinking it, and to be honest, were the roles reversed I would’ve said the same thing.

“Yeah, we’re good.” I say, and there’s a weight to my words, because we are, as a matter of fact, not good. But maybe we can…? I don’t know? Talk about it? That might be too much to hope for, especially with these kids in tow, but maybe I can try to be better than I am? Maybe I can’t forgive, but I’m damn good at repressing the things I don’t like, so why not this too?

I feel Shiki and Neku’s presence disappear into the realm of combat, and it’s just Axel and I now. I linger, wanting to say everything and nothing all at once.

“Rueki…” He starts.

“Can we…later?” And of course, he knows exactly what I mean.

“Yeah.” He agrees. “You really want to?”

“Well it’ll either be the key to keeping us alive or we’ll kill each other.” And if he’s going to be the death of me, I don’t think I’d mind going that way.

I am so fucking weak.

I feel Axel linking the first group of four together and we’re suddenly in the realm of combat. Two frogs and three vultures. Mother fuckers.

I take off, charging at a frog. I jab my claw into it and then, using its own tricks against it, I leap onto its head, jumping off, and latching onto a vulture. It caws angrily, flapping its wings as I hold onto its neck with both arms, trying to get myself up onto it’s back. It jerks me back and forth, diving down, unlike the Heartless, the Noise are actually intelligent, not purely creatures left to their own instincts. Instead of crashing into another vulture to try to get away from me, it swan dives into the ground. I see stars, but so does the Noise and I’m allowed a moments reprieve to snatch at its feathers and yank it back by the top of its head. Wheeling it around, I slash at its neck and it disappears. I see Axel has made quick work of the frogs as another vulture comes sailing at me. I deliver a well placed kick to the beak and then slash once, twice, three times at it, and it disappears. One more left, I sprint at it, only to have it disappear before I can hit it.

Maybe I do need to do a better job of trusting Axel to get shit done. Maybe he was right to accuse me of being distant and suspicious. 

Five more frogs appear and this time one comes leaping straight at me. It knocks me back into another and I grunt, jabbing my elbow into the frog I landed on before turning over and stabbing its head with my claw. It disintegrates and I narrow my eyes at the first fucker who jumped off of me, my new mortal enemy. Ignoring the other three, I head toward this one, jamming two Accuracy Spheres into Survivor, I raise my arm, channeling the energy, and really, it’s stupid and destructive to use Alchemy this early into one of two long battles, it’s gonna wipe me pit pretty good, but this thing and I are not friends. And I am nothing if not petty. When my energy comes to a head, I aim at the Noise and fire off a Cluster Bomb, which completely blows away my enemy and the remaining Noise on the field.

Maybe my own selfishness constantly gets in the way, maybe I really do think my plans are better than everyone else’s which is why I couldn’t see any good in Axel’s, because the way he does things is definitely not the way I would do things. But if he was honest in saying his only goal was to keep me alive, then how can I fault him and insist he wasn’t successful?

A vulture and a porcupine appear and just as fast as they are on the field, the porcupine’s quills blast into the air and land on the ground, blinking and beeping. I know what that means. I leap and land on the vulture’s back, just in time to miss the detonation of the explosive quills. I’ll let my own porcupine headed pyro deal with that, I’ll deal with the stupid vulture that let me get the upper hand. Just like the first one, I yank its head back and slit its throat, falling to the ground and landing on my ass. The porcupine is still standing, but between my fall and an excessive use of my own energy, I feel like hell. I knock back a potion and rise to my feet, feeling infinitely better as I stand. By time I’m on my feet, Axel has already gotten rid of the porcupine.

Maybe I’m right to be mad at him, but maybe that’s on me and not on him. Maybe he didn’t act like a hero, but he’s told me from the very beginning that he isn’t one. Maybe he did what he did and damn the moral repercussions that he won’t feel. Maybe I was Icarus, and what could I expect when I got too close to the sun?

Three vultures and three frogs. I am so over vultures. I dash in on a frog and take it out with a few hits before jumping off of another and back flipping towards a vulture. Instead of climbing onto it’s back, I use the momentum of the flip to sink my claws into its head and it disappears. I hit the ground on my feet this time, heart hammering in my chest. I need a nap. Or like ten.

The other two frogs are gone, I notice as I dig around my pocket, wishing I had another grenade. Instead, I take a lightning gem, the only one I have and throw it to the ground. The force didn’t shatter it, but I stomp it with my foot and as it crumbles, lightning strikes both of the vultures. I’m going to assume that Axel delivers the final blow, because after a few seconds worth of delay, they disappear.

Maybe he took the road to hell, but maybe it was paved with good intentions. I don’t need to absolve him of guilt, but I also don’t need to watch him burn.

We come out of the realm, my heart hammering, him panting. Neku and Shiki aren’t on Cat Street. They’ve either disappeared to the next set of battles or are still finishing up the first.

“You alright?” I ask Axel who nods.

“I’m taking a vacation after this.” He rolls his shoulders back. I grin.

“Sounds good to me.” I realize the implications of my words and wince. I’m so predictable, this is such shit. I should know better by now, even a dog learns not to shit on the carpet after you rub their nose in it. 

“What’re you getting at, sweetheart?” He cocks his head to the side. I stride over to him and fish two potions out of my pocket. I hand one to him. 

“Nothing, just force of habit.” And it’s going to have to be nothing, because trusting my partner or not, I can’t forgive him. We knock back our potions.

“You’re different today.” He tells me.

“So are you.” I say.

“I guess so.” He shrugs. “It sucks going the distance for someone and watching them shit all over it.” 

“It sucks telling someone you love them and having them show you that they don’t respect you.” I counter.

“Did you say that because you meant it or did you say that to throw the fact that I can’t feel in my face?” He asks.

“Touché.” I sigh.

“We can’t do this shit to each other.” He tells me. “We’ll never make it out alive if we keep getting mad over the past. It’s done, we can’t change it.”

“You’re right, much as it pains me to admit.” I agree. “I wish I could forget it.” 

“Yeah. Sometimes the truth sucks.” He shrugs.

“I still wish you would’ve told me.” I sigh. 

“Let’s just make it out of here in one piece, okay sweetheart?” He claps a hand on my shoulder and I offer him a weak smile.

“Then what?” I ask.

“You’re asking me?” He snorts.

“You always seem to have a plan. Even when mine is better. I can’t deny that you’re…effective.” I admit, and he snorts out a laugh.

“I swear princess, your backhanded compliment game is quite strong.” He ruffles my hair. “Let’s fight some more battles and then, well, wherever we go from there is on you.”

And I want to ask him if it’s really that simple. It’s not like he wasn’t pissed at me, is he willing to forgive me just like that? And if so what does that say about me if I don’t know if I can forgive him the same. The realization dawns on me that it requires a heart to hold a grudge, but then I begin to wonder: isn’t a heart required to forgive?

I tap my player pin and we fight our next cluster, which goes, for the most part the same way that the first chain of battles went, but this time, when we emerge from the realm of combat, Neku and Shiki are wiping the sweat off their brows.

“Okay, how’d we do?” I look to the two of them and then down at my hand. After a second, the timer disappears off my palm and I grin. “Cups, not bad, kid.” 

“We’ve dealt with this GM before.” Neku shrugs, completely unable to take a compliment, which mildly irks me, though I can’t really say much. 

“You guys made good timing too!” Shiki chirps. “Hey, while we’re here, since the GM hasn’t ended the day, why don’t we stop in and see Mr. H? Get some coffee and a bite to eat?” She suggests.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind talking to him again.” Neku seems kind of bashful at this comment and I lift an eyebrow, but don’t ask much more. 

I steal a glance at Axel, because I really do just want to talk to him, to try and sort out not just our feelings toward each other but everything spiraling in my own head, because now that my initial rage has worn off, I’m beginning to doubt every bit of negativity I’ve ever thrown his way. I blame my stupid heart, but my stupid stomach is winning this battle.

“Food.” Is my intelligent response and Axel tosses his head back, laughing. For the first time in a few days, the sound doesn’t light me up with rage, but rather tickles my spirit in a way that is akin to the gentle flame of a candle.

“You heard the lady.” He grins at me and for a moment, I stop to grin back. We still have four more days, we have time to figure this all out.

We make our way into the café which is exactly as tacky as I would expect of a guy who wears sandals and jeans, however, it all seems to come together perfectly. Signs decorate the walls with tasteless slogans ‘Sorry, We’re Open’ and ‘100% Chance of Wine’. There is no wine on the menu. Instead, I contemplate what pumpkin soup might taste like as Neku walks over to the counter, hands in his pockets, Shiki at his side.

“Um, Mr. H?” She calls out, and from a door behind the counter, I see his head pop out.

“Shiki, Phones, how goes it.” He grins at the two and fully removes himself from the back room, hands busy drying off a mug. “I see you brought Axel and Blondie with you, good deal, good deal.”

Neku and I exchange a brief look.

“Does he not know our names?” I stage whisper to the kid who shrugs.

“It’s a lost cause. Trust me.” And I think I do. Whether he likes me or not, he reminds me a lot of a younger version of myself. Which, come to think about it, is probably a guarantee that he doesn’t like me.

“Yeah, we just got through today’s mission.” Axel completely side steps mine and Neku’s conversation to talk to Sanae. 

“And I see you and Blondie aren’t quite literally at each other’s throats anymore. Finally learning the way of the World?” Sanae asks and I roll my eyes.

“I’m literally right here, you could talk about me like I’m in the room.” I set a hand on my hip.

“Sorry, Blondie, you’ve gotta forgive a man for being afraid of getting his head bit off. For being so damn short, you pack a lotta firepower. Kinda like one of those yippy dogs.” Sanae laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world and I contemplate sticking my head inside of a coffee pot.

“Can I just get some pumpkin soup?” I ask.

“Sure, in exchange for cash money.” He grins and I blanche, because I realize there is a very good chance that he doesn’t mean munny. “No need to fret, check your pocket, you should’ve earned some fighting Noise.” And sure enough he is right. I fumble in my pocket and find coins of a strange currency, and I throw them on the counter, Sanae laughs and helps me sort them out.

“Whatcha want, Axel?” I ask, throwing a look at him over my shoulder. We all order and take seats at the bar type area right in front of the counter, taking a moment to breathe as Sanae prepares the food.

“Well, it’s good to hear you kids are getting along good. What did old Pi Face give you guys as a mission today anyway?” Sanae asks, ladling soup into cups.

“Same shit message, different day.” Neku shrugs.

“Literally the equation from hell.” I agree, only to see Sanae shaking his head.

“You think that attitude is gonna help you get along any further, Phones? And you Blondie, having a chip on your shoulder hasn’t done you well, has it?” He asks and I want to reach out and smack this nosey prick.

“We got through the mission, Shiki and I are doing what we can.” Neku tries, in a tone that is a lot more eager to please than any tone he’s ever spoken to me or Axel in before. “I know what we talked about last week, enjoy the moment, but we both just want to come back to life. Isn’t that enough?” Neku asks and I nearly fall out of my chair.

“What the fuck do you mean come back to life?” I snap. Neku raises an eyebrow at me.

“Were your memories your entry fee or something?” He asks, and that is a loaded question, and really makes me think, but I remember what Sanae said about Axel and I having the best of both worlds and not needing to give an entry fee.

“Oh, you kids haven’t talked about that yet?” Sanae rubs the back of his neck. “I thought that would come up?”

“Dude, Neku wasn’t lying, we’ve literally all been so focused on getting through this.” I insist.

“Surviving should enhance who you are, not inhibit it.” Sanae shrugs. “Sounds like the lot of you still have a lot more to learn.” He serves up our soups and leans over the counter. “The Reaper’s Game is something the dead can opt into, a chance to come back to life. Phones, Shiki, your friends here aren’t exactly from this world, let alone this realm. They got here on accident and not in the traditional method. These two are as alive as anyone can be, hence the loophole to your penalty: all other players being eliminated.” I look at Neku and Shiki with my jaw dropped, pumpkin soup all but forgotten, and just when I think Axel probably has the same expression, I turn to see him with a pensive look on his face.

“That actually makes sense. Shibuya’s kind of always been a no-no when it comes to traversing through darkness. I just kind of assumed it was another thing we weren’t supposed to do as Nobodies so that we didn’t interrupt a world that hadn’t been taken by darkness yet. Opening up a portal that doesn’t lead to a Heartless attack takes a hell of a lot of finesse. Fortunately for me, I’ve got the magic touch and being that Rueks over here wasn’t going to be summoning darkness any time in the near future, I thought we were in the clear.” Axel says. “But it’s more than just us interfering, it’s us getting sucked in, especially if through darkness we can only appear in the UG. I wouldn’t want to be on a solo mission here.”

“Bingo.” Sanae says, with the wave of his hand.

“Wait, what do you mean traveling by darkness?” Shiki makes a face.

“Axel doesn’t have a heart. I thought I already mentioned that.” And I feel kind of dirty announcing his business to everyone. I look to him and mutter an apology. He stares at me with a completely unreadable expression, which drives me absolutely bonkers.

“What?” Shiki gasps, and this time she is the one nearly falling out of her chair.

“He would be dead without a heart.” Neku points out, face never showing any expression but mild irritation. 

“You’re looking at things too cynically Phones, too literally. There’s a different way someone can be without a heart.” Sanae explains. Axel offers a weak smile as I take a bite of my soup. 

“I’m gonna get some air, it’s a thousand degrees in here.” Axel stands, stretching tall.

“Dude, we can talk about something else.” I try and he just waves his hand.

“Nah, it’s not that. Eat your soup, sweetheart.” He says as he heads out the door. I shovel a few more scorching hot bites into my mouth before chasing him outside.

“Axel…” I start, seeing him standing just outside the shop, looking out at the sky. It’s orange with the day close to ending, I am sure and it reminds me so much of Twilight Town. What I wouldn’t give to be there right now, at least if we were there I could get some distance from him, sort out what’s going on inside my heart instead of having this constant contact and confusion.

“It not exactly my idea of a great time, not having a heart, you know.” He mutters and I nod.

“Yeah, I do.” And it sucks for me too, because someone with a heart wouldn’t have taken the same actions Axel did and we wouldn’t be in this predicament. We might actually be happy.

“Then why the fuck does it need to be tossed around like it’s nothing, Rueki?” He turns to me and I find myself backing into the window of the café. For the first time, I don’t fire back at him, for the first time, I am afraid.

“I didn’t mean to.” My voice is barely above a whisper.

“It’s just…I don’t know if what the hell I’m doing is right anymore.” He shakes his head. “But I did all of it for you. If you don’t appreciate it, fine, don’t. But if you don’t think I want to feel the same way you do…I know you said you’re too tired to fight but the underhanded shit doesn’t help, whether you mean it or not, it’s always there, Rueki. I don’t want to hear you tell me you love me again so that you can act like it makes you better than me, because you have the heart to feel all of these pretty, pretty feelings and I just don’t. I didn’t ask for any of this.”

“I know.” I say, voice finding more strength. “I didn’t say that you did.”

“But I still don’t even know how to… I haven’t had a heart for over a decade. I don’t even know how to process why you’re so mad at me and resent me so much when I tried so fucking hard to…” Words have failed him, his shoulders deflate as he heaves a sigh.

“You wanna know what I’m feeling? You wanna know why I’m not happy with you?” I ask as he crosses his arms, ready for the onslaught. “I feel so used up, Axel. I feel like you were in this to fuck me and to do your dirty laundry for you. And to know that you did all of this for Saix? That makes it even worse, because he very obviously cannot stand me, and now I’m left wondering: Was anything you said to me real? Was my past just a story you made up? Did Zexion ever think that you were a traitor? Did I ever make you feel like there was something beating in your chest, even for a moment? I know you think I didn’t trust you, but I gave you everything I had to offer. And you couldn’t even give me the same, cuz if you did, you’d have trusted me enough to let me in on the secret.” I sigh, leaning more defeatedly against the shop window. 

He looks at me, arms still crossed, eyes softening ever so slightly as his brow knits together.

“Do you really think that little of me, Rueki? That I’d lie about your past or about what I…wanted to feel for you?” He struggles.

“Can you blame me?” I cock my head to the side. “I had to find out from Luxord that you didn’t have a heart. I had to find out from Marluxia that half of what you said to me was a lie. How could I be expected to trust the other half?”

He crosses the distance between us and takes my face into his palm, swiping a thumb across my cheekbone, I wince.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for…” But when he takes his hand away, I instantly grab it in mine and bring it back up to my face. He looks at me for a long moment before I throw my arms around his waist, pulling him in tight.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like any of that.” He murmurs into my hair, hands rubbing my back.

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” I voice my earlier thought. “But neither of us should have to burn. We’re just too intense together, too much everything. I’m so sorry I had to be such a cunt.”

“I don’t hate that about you.” He confesses, drawing away from me. “I mean, I got why you acted out, things like rage, Xemnas made sure we had memories of that feeling around, always. I guess I just forgot how people act when they’re trying to pretend you didn’t hurt them.”

“Dear Twilight, Axel, of course you hurt me!” I exclaim. “I thought I was your partner! Even before all of this, you had everything I could give, I wasn’t expecting for you to suddenly profess feelings for me, I just wanted the same gesture in return. We’re both fucked up, I didn’t need a miracle, I just needed you!” 

“Then you’ve gotta learn to speak up, because…I can’t guess these things. I never have any idea what you’re going through, what you’re feeling because I can’t remember even half of the emotions you have. I told you, it took you showing up for me to start remembering what it was like to have a heart, but there are feelings I hadn’t even felt before losing my heart, that are showing up all over your face and you expect me to get them, but I just can’t. I was younger than Roxas when I lost my heart, I have spent so much time amongst the ranks of those who are even colder than I could ever be, you have no idea how many times I’ve been given shit about how weak I am for ‘not being able to tolerate the emptiness’. I can’t be okay with it, alright? That’s why I need you to guide me, because I have no idea what the hell direction I’m going in. Saix’s plan sounded good, he’s always been someone I could get behind, he was my friend, but he doesn’t get it either. You are quite literally my foil, sweetheart. We clash and you illuminate all of these things I didn’t even know about myself.” He shakes his head. “And I swear, I wasn’t trying to use you, but Rueks, you’re a terrible liar. Absolutely everyone in that castle had to believe I was acting without any accomplices, otherwise you would’ve been plucked off and used against me.” 

“But why couldn’t I have known what your plan was?” I ask. “At the risk of sounding campy as all hell, imagine what we could’ve actually accomplished if the two of us had worked together.”

“Because sometimes it’s not about progress, got it memorized? Sometimes it’s about making it out of the tunnel. I got rid of the traitors because Xemnas wanted me to, I got rid of Vexen because Saix wanted me to, Lexaeus was just luck and Zexion… I’m sorry I did that to you, Rueki, I am, but the ends justified the means in my mind and…” He runs a hand back through his hair. “I don’t process the reaction like you do, I don’t feel the guilt like you do. I saw the end result in my mind, me getting my heart back, us getting a fair shot at things and I took it. I followed every order, did everything everyone else wanted me to. But at the end of it all, the only thing I wanted was to keep you alive.”

“Axel…” I breathe his name and it feels so right, the way it hangs in the air, the way it sits on my lips, the way it feels inside my mouth.

“You factoring hectopascals are so zetta slow.” Axel and I make quick eye contact only to turn to look behind us. 

“Was that even…a language?” Axel asks.

“Heh, you braindead binomials could barely figure out a simple conversion!” I can’t quite tell where the voice is coming from for a moment but then I realize, it is radiating from the trash sculpture we saw on the way in. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I mutter. “This better be good.” I roll the sleeves of my shirt up and stomp toward the sculpture.

“Rueks…” Axel begins.

“Fuckface can’t challenge us until Day 7, this is only Day 3.” I remind Axel. “You’re the GM, right?” 

“Correct.” A man with deep skin, golden eyes and grey (?), yep, grey hair leers down from the top of the sculpture. He crouches down onto his haunches and from behind his back, pulls out a sky blue megaphone.

“An improper fraction, huh? You’re not the digits I was looking for. I was hoping for a simple reduction, but you’ll have to do.” He announces.

“Fuck you, we’ll divide you by zero.” If he’s gonna throw math insults around, I’m not a complete moron, I can throw some around too.

“After we get out of this, I’m not even adding two and two together, ever again.” Axel sighs. “What a pain in the ass.”

“What are you?” The GM regards Axel with a quirked eyebrow, and once again, I wonder how he is sensing that Axel is anything other than human. “What are you both? This is improbable…” He says more to himself. He’s referring to the fact that we’re not dead, I am certain, but I am beyond irritated that he’s talking just to hear his own voice.

If Uzuki is this world’s Larxene, this guy, the GM could be Marluxia.

“We are literally right here, we can hear you talking.” I remind him. I catch Axel smirking, but his words tell a different story.

“Sweetheart, that mouth of yours is gonna be the death of us.” I want to crawl inside the upturned quirk of his lips and die there.

“Ha, you n factorials think you’re of >0 importance? You’re out of your vector.” The GM laughs. “Prepare to simplify your own equations!”

And I’m not prepared for what hits us.

Without our consent, we are transported into the realm of combat, and though I can feel Axel beside me, I really wish I could see him right now, because this lack of control is freaking me the hell out. A familiar face would do wonders. I know what to expect, Noise, what I don’t expect is a black and white Kangaroo. But we’ve faced Frogs and Pigs and Vultures and Porcupines, why not Kangaroos, I guess. I charge in with Survivor, prepared to take the upper hand and hit this thing before it hits me, but this Kangaroo moves at light speed and leaps into the air before I can barely close any distance on it. I look around, up into the sky, waiting for it to come back down from this impossible height.

I should’ve been looking at the ground.

It is too late by time I do.

I realize that I am standing on a target and before I can move, the Kangaroo comes crashing back to the ground, knocking me back an absurd distance. This hurts. The Noise have landed blows before on me, but nothing that smarts like this. I rise to my feet as it stands there idly. I take off, past it, trying to escape the realm, but I can feel the forcefield pushing me back in and I curse.

“Fuck.” I hiss. No chance of making it out of this one easily, thanks to Math For Brains, lucky for me, I can take a hit. 

But I know, I’m going to need something that takes out this thing, and fast. Charging at it with slashes is too risky. From my pocket, I fish out a Shadow Gem and that ratchet Bomb Core that I found on the first day. I load the two of them into Survivor as the Kangaroo leaps into the air. I look down at my feet and instantly a target appears below them. I feel the energy drain out of my body and move into Survivor. This one might very well hurt me as much as it hurts the Kangaroo. I dash, right as I see the Kangaroo come down and as it hits the ground, I launch a Nega Burst at it.

I scan it’s HP and my stomach drops.

That should’ve take out ¾ of its health, not ¼. As quick as it was hit, it leaps into the air again. I bite off the cap of a Potion and knock it back, barely making it out of the way in time. I feel the reverberations of some of the impact as the Noise hits the ground. 

Okay, okay, let’s try this again. I know I’ve got another Shadow Gem and a piece of a map, I can make another Nega Burst and just hit it again, keep plucking away. I load the two items into Survivor while, to my surprise, the Kangroo stands idly still. I crank my arm back to fire the Nega Burst and this time, it literally knocks me on my ass, my frame unable to take two explosive hits, even with the aid of the Potion. From on the ground I scan again and want to scream. This time, only 1/8 got taken out.

“Fuck!” I shout. I don’t have time to take another Potion before it leaps into the air. I fumble, searching for something, though I feel the target beneath me. I try to force myself to my feet, legs wobbling and try as I may, my attempts are futile. The Kangaroo comes crashing down and knocks me back. My heart hammers in my chest as I lay on the street. This is not going to be how I die, jumped on by a fucking Kangaroo. It suddenly dawns on me that not only would I die, that Axel would too, and if I thought my stomach was already in knots, I am dead wrong.

It bothers me, the thought of a world without him. No matter what I said, no matter how I felt. I wasn’t given time to cool off, to be angry, to feel my feelings. I see the Kangaroo over me again and barely roll out of the way as it collides with the pavement. Lying down, I pound a potion, and although I only feel half alive, I suppose that is better than half dead. I stand, fumbling in my pocket to find Dark Matter, I load that into Survivor and search for something, anything to make—

Another Dark Matter, that’ll do.

This one might very well kill me if I’m not able to heal before the Noise recovers. 

I load up the second Dark Matter, and with everything left inside me, I draw back my fist and launch a Sunburst.

The entire area goes white, blinding me with the light and I have to hide my face in the crook of my arm, even as I fall to the ground.

When the whiteness fades, the Kangaroo still stands and I know I am going to die.

It goes to hop into the air, but before it does, it twitches. Shakes and sputters and disappears.

Axel and I are back on Cat Street, me still on my ass, looking up at him, barely breathing. He is quite literally dripping sweat. The GM is nowhere to be found.

“Taboo Noise?” Because from what Sanae said, it’s the only thing that might make sense, attacking us unprovoked. 

“I dunno, Rueks.” Axel says. “But let’s hope we never run into anything else like it.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So on the plus side, I'm going to be at a seminar for the next few days so you guys get an early update...  
> On the down side?  
> Keep reading.

XIX.

Axel and I wake up the next morning with no one else in tow, just the two of us—and thousands of people passing straight through us—at the statue of some dog. He sits at the base of the statue, staring up at the sky, a fountain drink at hand as he chews on the straw. I take a seat next to him and he looks to me, half smile on his face.

“You’re awake.” He announces and I nod.

“Yep. Is it just the two of us?” I ask as he grabs another fountain drink next to him and passes it to me. Something about this gesture warms my heart and I have to fight back a smile of my own. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, just the two of us. No Neku or Shiki, though I’m sure it won’t be long until we see them. No mission mail yet either, I’m sure one of our new friends will just be dying to drag you shopping.” Axel offers me a more playful grin and I roll my eyes.

“Well gee, I didn’t know Neku was a shopaholic.” I deadpan as Axel snorts a laugh.

“Hey, so about yesterday…” He starts and I want to hide my face in the cup.

“The Noise were crazy.” I say, in an attempt to distract him, but it backfires and suddenly, he has his palm against my face, angling me to look at him.

“Are we okay, Rueks?” He asks. My heart twitches, a fledgling rising from its own ashes and I sigh.

“No.” I confess. “We’re better, but we’re not…”

“What the hell do I have to do to prove to you that all I was trying to do was—”

“I want Naminé to alter my memories.” I tell him and this leaves him completely silent, gawking at me, still at such close proximity. “I don’t think I can forgive this, Axel, not as long as I remember it. But if Naminé goes in and changes things around, makes me remember you telling me the plan from the very beginning, makes me remember choosing, however begrudgingly to help you, remember Sora being okay and all of your promises coming true…I mean, it won’t matter if it isn’t real, if I feel it, we can get past this.”

When he finally speaks, his tone is that of a broken man and for not the first time, I really do wonder if he has a heart.

“Naminé is gone. I let her go, get away from the Organization. I have no idea where she went, and I doubt we could find her if we tried.” His hands fall away from my face and he picks his drink back up. “Do you still think about us sitting on the clock tower with Roxas, eating ice cream?”

“All the time. Those are the days I want back, more than anything.” I admit. 

“And you really think it’ll take forgetting everything for you to forgive me? For us to go back to that?” He asks, despite not wanting to, I feel a humorless laugh escape my lips.

“Even if I forgot, we couldn’t go back to those days. We were friends, I thought you had a heart, I thought that maybe it could be more.” I sigh. “I don’t mean to shove anything in your face, really. I already told you, I know you didn’t ask to lose your heart and that I know you’re doing all you can to get it back, I’ve gotta stop faulting you for that.” But even if I do, can I trust him again? That’s the biggest problem. Not forgiving, not forgetting, but trusting. 

“I am so sorry, Rueks.” He props his elbows on his knees and hides his face in one of his hands, the other still holding the cup. I reach out and squeeze the top of his leg.

“I am too.” I whisper. 

“Then why can’t—” And I truly know that he’s asking because he doesn’t get it, plain and simple.

“Because I don’t trust you anymore.” I breathe, clutching my drink as though it is the only thing keeping me hanging on. He doesn’t meet my gaze, and all I do is steal glances at him out of the corner of my eye. I want him to wrap me in his arms and swear up and down that he will do everything in his power to right this wrong, but once again, he doesn’t know how to comfort me and I am too stubborn to tell him how. If those are our obstacles then we really will never get past them. 

“So this is how it ends then, huh?” He asks and my little fledgling heart is snuffed out. 

“I think it’s ended five or six times at this point.” I offer him an ironic smile.

“Yeah, guess we can’t say we never saw it coming.” He says.

“Shit, we might even crash and burn a few more times. We still have a few more days left here.” I remind him. He snorts, suddenly sitting up straight.

“Oh Rueks.” He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me in. “We might’ve crashed and burn, but how bright did we shine?”

How bright indeed. I don’t think I’ll ever not miss it. And maybe that’s why it’s so hard to get through this. Maybe after seeing how bright the light can be, I just cannot handle the dark.

And things have gotten so dark.

“Hey! Rueki, Axel!” We draw apart as though our bodies are on fire and if we touch we will incinerate. I stand straight up, rocking on my heels, trying and failing to look inconspicuous. Shiki is running over to us, waving her hand in the air. Neku is behind her, hands in his pockets, taking his sweet time. 

“Shiki, Neku!” Axel waves, and then says under his breath “it’s every fucking time things start to get good anymore, I swear.” I chew on my lip to bite back a smile.

“No mission mail yet, what’s up with that?” I ask her and Neku, as she catches up to us. He isn’t far behind, he can definitely hear me.

“Well, this wouldn’t be the first time the GM just didn’t send us mission mail. Mr. H said something about him being as much a genius as he was crazy and that he genuinely got distracted from his responsibilities pretty easily.” Shiki informs us.

“Yeah, busy making garbage sculptures.” I roll my eyes. “And sending Taboo Noise after players.”

“Wait, you ran into Taboo Noise?” Shiki gasps.

“Yep, and the GM himself.” Axel says and Shiki’s jaw just about hits the ground. Neku’s eyes narrow, his expression thoughtful.

“Wouldn’t be the first time Pi Face has introduced himself to players,though.” He mutters.

“I mean, I guess. I just thought we were kind of…Out of the ordinary? Like since we ‘broke the rules’ he showed up.” Shiki confesses, rubbing the back of her neck, staring down at her phone, I would assume, waiting for the mission mail that might or might not show up.

“What did you guys do to break the rules? I mean, I haven’t heard much about the Reaper’s Game, but I’ve sure never heard of anyone being forced to play a penalty game.” Axel inquires.

“Both of our partners—Beat and Rhyme—were erased. When your partner is erased, you have seven minutes to live. I was freaking out, Neku was the one who found me. We had thirty seconds left on our timers when we formed a pact. That was on day two, our timers disappeared and we made it through the end of the game. We finished, we beat the GM and then we were told that we weren’t allowed to reform our pacts, that we got by on a technicality.” Shiki tells us.

“Which is annoying, because no one ever mentioned any rules about finding a new partner.” Neku grumbles.

“So that was why your penalty removed all other players from the game, so that you guys couldn’t skate by on the same technicality?” I ask.

“Yeah, which, I mean is super unfair.” Shiki sighs, and just then, all four of our phones chime. I brace myself, preparing for an equation from hell.

‘Message from the Reapers

Head to Towa Records

No Time Limit’

No timer is branded onto my hand. No equations either. Either Towa Records is in a different world or this is some kind of joke.

“This can’t be right, Towa Records is just a quick walk away.” Shiki insists.

“Does something about this…seem familiar to you?” Neku asks, squinting at the message. Something is clearly upsetting him and not Shiki.

“No? Should it?” She asks. “Neku, I know you said you got your memories back when we finished off last week, but is there maybe something else missing?” She asks.

“You lost your memories?” I ask, holding my breath, hoping this boy might be the answer to the ‘sealed room’ that is my memories.

“They were my entry fee.” Neku says, and I steal a quick glance at Axel who instantly understands my disappointment. “I don’t know…It’s probably just nothing.” Neku shakes his head.

“It sounds like a trick.” I purse my lips.

“Or maybe they fired the old GM? I mean, this doesn’t look like any mission he’s ever given. Maybe we just stay on our guard, but have a nice, easy going day.” Shiki suggests.

“That doesn’t sound too bad to me.” Axel agrees.

“I’m not sure…” Neku seems to be on my side, he’s squinting at the phone, eyes narrowed as they stare down at the message. But both of our partners are already talking animatedly about how they want to spend the day off. 

“Well, if there’s no time limit, then…um, Rueki, would you come to Ten-Four with me? I wanted to pick some things up.” Shiki looks a little anxious, as though she’s terrified of being rejected, so I swing an arm around her.

“Yes, and I need new clothes, so you’re definitely gonna help me with that, right?” I ask, because yes, I do need new clothes, but I am not prepared for what shopping with a self proclaimed ‘fashionista’ could possibly be like.

We’ve been inside of a store called D+B for at least two hours, with Shiki throwing scraps of fabric over the door of the dressing room, and I say scraps, because half of the clothing that she is insistent that I will look great in, barely covers me. I hate a good portion of it, despite how trendy I’m sure it is. Unlike most people in this world, I would guess, I need to be able to move, to fight. Cute as a leather mini skirt is, it’s definitely not equipped for my style of fighting. Axel and Neku got lucky and didn’t have to tag along on this trip, instead they headed over to the food court, with Axel telling Neku, in great detail, about our encounter with the GM and the maybe/possibly/most likely Taboo Noise.

“Here, try this!” Shiki says, patience in her voice not wavering as she tosses over a black bustier style crop top with little gold buttons down the middle of it and a pair of black velvet shorts. I can tell they’re going to be high waisted, but looking at the microscopic piece of fabric, I am a little more than a little bit worried that my ass is going to hang out of these.

“Shiki, I need to be able to move without these splitting open.” I remind her through the door.

“Oh come on! Just try them on, please!” She begs. “It’s going to look so cute on you, Rueki, just trust me, you’re gonna love it!” I dangle the piece of black velvet in my hands. Fine, if she’s intent on having me shit on her dreams, I guess that’s her prerogative. I zip up the back of the shirt and love it, instantly. Okay, the girl does have great taste, based on how trendy she looks, I wouldn’t expect anything less. The shirt is hella cute and definitely designed for wear and tear. The shorts still appear to be a problem though and as I slide into them, I cringe.

“Dude, you’re definitely gonna need to grab a bigger size on the shorts.” Although she mentioned she was an aspiring designer, I doubt someone who looks like Shiki understands the struggles of having an abundance of ass.

“What? No way. Open the door.” Shiki insists as I finally get the shorts all the way up. I make a face at the Rueki in the mirror, who looks like she is trying to get away with wearing a diaper. The shorts just barely cup the underside of my ass, they hug every ounce of flesh, every imperfection, the lower part of my stomach is somehow wider and less toned than the upper half, which is small enough to belong to a different person. In the light of the dressing room, I see every stretch mark, every dimple of cellulite. I guess the one saving grace to these shorts is that they have belt loops so I could still wear my weapons pouch. I unlock the door and Shiki nearly topples over the frame, desperate to get in. “Are you kidding me? You look amazing!” She’s so enthusiastic about this that all I am able to offer her is a confused face and a quirked eyebrow.

“Is there more to the outfit that you’re just hiding from me or…” I start.

“No! Rueki, this is so perfect and so trendy!” She gushes and then, with her tiny frame, grabs me by the shoulders and quite literally spins me around to look at me. “And like, it fits your waist and your hips, I told you D+B would be perfect for you, they make such high quality clothing, you don’t even need to tailor it!” And here I was, a simple girl, in a simple world, thinking you just went to the store, bought something comfortable that didn’t make you look like hot garbage and call it good. She throws around more words about the cut of the fabric and the quality of the material before I heave a sigh.

“Are we just going to ignore the fact that my ass is hanging half way out of these?” I ask.

“Oh come on, just like the bottom of your ass. But Rueki, that’s how everyone is wearing shorts nowadays!” She insists. 

“Does no one walk anymore? Because if I do, I’m gonna split these open, I swear.” I try.

“You’ll be fine! Do a squat test if you’re so worried.” She waves her hand. I crouch down and sure enough, the shorts stretch and make room for my movements and Shiki is looking at me, smug as hell.

“I look ridiculous.” I sigh, knowing full well that these opinions won’t matter and that I am now at the mercy of a sixteen year old fashionista.

“You so don’t, I wish I looked that good in that outfit.” Shiki says as I stand back up, looking myself over in the mirror.

“Oh come on, what don’t you look good in? You are literally perfect.” I inform her, as though she needs it. When I turn to her, I see her looking at her phone, brow knit, an expression so empty and miserable darkening her features. “Shiki.” I call her name and her eyes light back up, tearing away from the screen of her phone as she meets me with a smile that could make someone go blind.

“Sorry, sorry! Seriously though, Rueki, you have to buy that!” She all but begs me. “I mean, if not for you, well…I could think of someone who might appreciate that look.”

“Dude.” I sigh.

“Don’t think I didn’t see you two all cozy by Hachiko!” She grins.

“What the fuck is a Hachiko?” I ask.

“The statue of the dog.” She rolls her eyes as though it should be painfully obvious. “I didn’t think we’d ever see the two of you start to get along, but it looks like you are and then some.”

“No, it’s not like that.” I shake my head. She looks at me, skeptically. “We were more…saying goodbye to each other. Coming to terms with the fact that things between us are done.”

“But it looked like…Like the two of you were…” She seems to be struggling with her words, and I worry that I am crushing the heart of a teenage girl, telling her love is a lie and it’s easier to give up the fight. “Why?”

“Because nothing has changed. I can’t forgive him for something that he doesn’t even have the conscience to realize is wrong. I make things complicated for him and he breaks my heart, and we keep going round and round in this stupid circle. Neither of us will break the chain so we can’t break free. It was fun, in my head at least, for the first little while because I felt so on fire and so alive, but the more it carried on the more I realized that I just can’t do this. I’m not cut out for any of this.” I confess to her.

“But what if he gets his heart back? Mr. H told us a little bit, about how Nobodies search for their hearts, hoping to become whole again. What if he does? Do you really wanna have to say you gave up so easily when he finally gets his heart back and it’s broken?” Shiki snaps and I snort.

“He hasn’t had a heart in over a decade. I’m not waiting another.” I say firmly. She looks so upset, so distraught like the love I have for him should be enough, and I truly wish it was, I wish I could tell her it was. Instead, I say “I think I’m gonna buy this outfit. You’re right, it’s cute. I’ll get over my shorts being up my ass.”

She doesn’t smile.

“Give it the rest of the week, Rueki. Neku and I weren’t even civil with each other when we first met. But our partners the first week were siblings so we got stuck together more often than not. Now, I can honestly say that when we make it out of here, he’ll be one of my closest friends.” Shiki insists, and really, I find it quite rude that this overly perky, bleeding heart girl is giving me unsolicited relationship advice about a relationship she couldn’t even fathom being in. Twilight knows that I couldn’t have ever dreamed of what it would be like to love someone like Axel, the constant push and pull, the strain, the never being able to meet in the middle and either attracting or repelling like magnets, with such force that it tears me apart. I couldn’t have imagined love feeling difficult and tiring. I thought Del and the absolute lackluster caricature of intimacy were as low to the depths as I could sink, but at the end of the day, no matter how high of highs Axel granted me, the lows were just too low for me to weather. But maybe being cordial is what Shibuya will teach me, because instead of getting annoyed and fighting her, I think of how smothering her doubts like cinders will make the rest of the week go that much smoother.

“Sure. Let’s go buy this outfit and do some more shopping.”

We do, and Shiki doesn’t say another word about Axel and I, instead, she tells me stories of her life, filled with bubblegum, strawberry lip gloss and secrets told with friends, leaning against a locker. She tells me about a girl named Eri who is her absolute best friend, and how amazing she is. She talks endlessly of working with Eri in the workshop they have turned Eri’s parent’s basement into, sewing designs, tearing the seams on different clothes they own and transforming tired outfits into newer, on trend ones. She talks through me finding a new pair of boots—combat style, that reach only the middle of my calves—through manicures and pedicures, through buying cute underwear and red lipstick, because what the hell, you only live once, through telling me I have at least six inches of split ends and dragging me into a ritzy salon for haircuts and blow outs. She talks, seeming to just be excited to have someone who is actually listening to her and not the music coming into his headphone. She talks, until I am toying with my newly shorter hair—which still reaches my elbows, but doesn’t look like actual shit, and for the first time in forever, isn’t in a ponytail—and Axel and Neku show up.

“Oh, good! Just in time! You guys can carry our bags!” Shiki grins, and without even skipping a beat, she unloads all of her bags on Neku, who grunts and makes a face.

“Seriously?” He sighs, rolling his eyes, but Shiki doesn’t even acknowledge the single word from him.

“What do you guys think of Rueki’s hair?” She asks, which translates roughly into ‘Hey Axel, will Rueki’s lack of split ends make her more appealing to you’? I roll my eyes.

“It’s down?” Neku asks.

“Is this a trick? Did you do something to it?” Axel asks me.

“Omigod, she cut like eight inches off.” Shiki sighs. “You guys are impossible.”

“It’s okay kiddo, you made me pretty. That’s hard work.” I pat her shoulder. “And once I change into this, I’ll actually not look homeless.” I swing my bag around in my hand and catch her biting back a smile.

“You guys have been shopping forever.” Neku grumbles.

“There’s no time limit on this mission.” I remind him, and to be honest, I think it’s safer to stay in the mall, shopping and going to salons, because if the Reaper’s plan to trick us, I doubt it’s inside somewhere so normal.

“That’s right! We could find you guys some new outfits too!” Shiki says.

“My clothes are fine.” Neku says at the same time Axel says “this is a work uniform.”

Shiki just huffs, indignantly. I honestly adore this girl. If I had a friend like this growing up, I might not have left my home world. 

“You know, it’s not like it’s a bad thing to care about trends, especially when it effects how we fight.” She reminds us, crossing her arms to her chest. Neku, however, knows her well enough to think of something to distract her.

“So, shouldn’t we be trying to get this mission done?” He asks.

“Right,” Axel agrees. “No time limit or not, the sooner we get it done, the sooner the day is done and we get one step closer to challenging the Game Master.”

He’s not wrong, I just can’t shake the bad feeling that I have about this mission. I doubt Neku can either.

“Well, at least it’s an easy mission. That’s a nice break from all of the equations and riddles.” Shiki confesses. 

“I think what you’re trying to say is that it’s a boring mission.” Axel grins at her, I am embarrassed by the fact that that grin still makes my stomach backflip. Just a few more days and I can take the steps to finally moving on, to finally getting over him. “You know, maybe we should do something to make this exciting. Let’s race to this Towa Records.” 

Suddenly, a very alarmed look flashes through Neku’s eyes and he drops Shiki’s bags to the floor.

“Hey!” She admonishes before quickly realizing that something is wrong. “Neku, are you alright?” 

“There’s something about this that…” Neku casts her a panicked look, brow furrowing. “None of this feels familiar to you?”

“Should it?” She asks and he shakes his head, crouching over to pick up her bags, eyes hard.

“Neku…?” I ask, his eyes flick up to mine. “What are you remembering?”

“Nothing.” He sighs. “It’s just feelings, and the oddest sense of déjà vu.”

“What should we do?” I ask and he shakes his head.

“I don’t know. We can’t not complete this mission.” He comes up, grabbing Shiki’s bags, eyes on the floor again.

“Neku…” Shiki tries. “Look, they’re memories from when you were alive, right? Which means they can’t affect us here! I mean hey, maybe you died by Towa Records, you still don’t remember how you died, right? I’m sure it’s no big deal, whatever happened in the RG won’t hurt us here.” 

“She’s right, there’s not a hell of a lot we can do if we don’t know what we’re looking out for.” Axel agrees and I narrow my eyes.

“It’s called being cautious.” I snap and Axel snorts, rolling his eyes.

“This again?” He shakes his head, but I ignore him, looking to Neku.

“Maybe we take another route?” I suggest, but the kid just shakes his head.

“No, they’re right. I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I guess I can’t avoid something that I don’t even know exists. It’s probably nothing.” He sighs.

So, with no further preparation, living as blindly as I have these past few months, we leave Ten-Four and go back to the Scramble Crossing, then past a series of department stores. Neku doesn’t say a word to anyone, in fact he lingers behind, looking at the world in front of him as though he is trying to tell whether or not this is reality. Shiki and Axel walk ahead of us, in animated conversation about something that seems so trivial, compared to whatever this kid is remembering. I wonder what makes his amnesia so different than mine. I think about the handwritten journal I found in Castle Oblivion and being touched by darkness. I suddenly hear my name.

“Hey, maybe Rueki can come back to the RG with us when we beat the GM!” Shiki suggest, bubbly as ever, and I realize that they must’ve been talking about Axel’s plan to drop me off in the middle of nowhere.

“I wouldn’t hate that.” I shrug. “You gotta promise that you won’t ditch me for all of your living friends though, I’m not exactly good at playing nice with others.”

“You can say that again.” Axel says, and I know it’s meant to be teasing, but I’m still a little irritated with him over wanting to dive into this head first. We pass the departments stores and come to a smaller looking shop front. The skyscraper of a record store is so close that I cannot help the twitching in my palms and the hammering of my heart in my chest.

“Oh come on, you’ll totally miss her.” Shiki elbows him and I catch Axel’s face softening for just a fraction of a second.

“Only because I’ll have no one else to talk to back home. This other new kid I’m training, he’s a total zombie. Not great for conversation.” Axel waves his hand.

“Well, you could always go back to your buddy, Saix.” Oh fuck. The words escape my mouth and I swear I don’t even mean them, but Axel was right when he said that not shutting up is going to get me in trouble one day. I don’t want to fight him, truly I don’t, but I don’t even know if I can help myself anymore around him. Maybe this resentment runs too deep, maybe we’re not going to make it the next three days without killing each other.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He looks at me with complete and utter exasperation, stopping in the middle of the street. Shiki shifts, looking between the two of us anxiously. Neku just frowns. “After all of your talking about making it through the next few days and acting like you’ve grown so much, you haven’t grown at all. Do you ever think to yourself that maybe it’s you that has the issue and not me?”

“Oh fuck you, don’t put all of this on me, I wouldn’t have said it if it weren’t true!” As though that somehow makes it better. I know it doesn’t, but I have steered too deep into this skid.

“You know, it doesn’t mean as much, coming from someone with absolutely zero self control. I mean, you just can’t help yourself, can you? You want to talk shit about Saix, be my guest, but he was right about you. You’ve always been so smug and so self righteous. Even when you’re not trying, it always has to be about you and your fucking pride.” He snaps.

“Guys, come on…” Shiki tries, but she is barely a blip on my radar. I see red, I have tunnel vision and Axel is the only thing on the other side.

“Maybe because I’m the only one who hasn’t ever let myself down. We both know you have. Time and time and time again.” I sneer.

“Oh poor, poor you. You must’ve had such a hard life to grow up to be such an absolute—” I don’t even wait for him to finish, I whip around and slap him, my palm stinging with the impact. 

“Fuck you!” I scream. 

Shiki recoils, leaping back from us as though she has been hit and Neku takes a step over to her, almost as though he thinks I’m a threat and wants to protect her.

“You’re not even a good enough lay to be worth this.” Axel hisses and storms off. And hell, I must’ve pissed him off for that to be the wittiest thing for him to think up. As he walks, I seem him shake with repressed anger, but my ego just will not let me go. I scoff, crossing my arms to my chest, limbs tingling with rage that waits to be unleashed. I made such a mistake, thinking that things could be okay, they can never be okay, not after all he’s done and all he won’t admit that he’s at fault for. Everything about our relationship has been a complete mistake from the start, I was an idiot to even keep trying at it for this long. I go to stomp off in the opposite direction, back towards the Scramble, because fuck him, he can finish this mission on his own.

But then, Shiki screams.

“Axel!” She cries out. My head whips over to him, where he stands, looking up at the sky scraper, Towa Records and then down at the palm of his hand.

At first, I don’t understand what the noise is about, and then, suddenly I see it. A shark fin, black and white, like the Taboo Kangaroos yesterday, barreling at him at top speed. He whips around, eyes wide and I feel my anger shedding off of me like a reptile sheds its old skin.

Can forgiveness really come that easily? Is it really possible for me to put ego and resentment aside, so completely, so selflessly?The seconds tick by so fast and impossibly slow at the same time, and I know without a doubt that it is possible, even for me.

There are so many things that are more important than being right and he is at the top of the list. 

 

Why the hell have I taken him so for granted? He kept me alive, he kept me safe. Against everything in his nature, he made me feel so very alight, and so very special and what have I done? Blamed and accused, screamed and kicked like a child who couldn’t get her way. I have been a immature, a fool, a brat, so vindictive and unforgiving and for what? So that I could dangle something about the head of the man I claimed to love? So that I could level the playing field and try to hurt him like his lack of a heart has hurt me? Something he physically cannot control is what I have been faulting him for, maybe he doesn’t have a heart but maybe I’m flat out heartless. I have no excuse for the level of cruelty I have treated him with, for holding grudges, just so I could let hate burn a hole in me and leave me as hollow as he doesn’t want to be. 

My feet slam into the pavement, the impact sending shockwaves into my legs as I fly across the earth.

The air whips my face, I barrel past people who cannot see or feel me and I hear his name fly out of my mouth.

“Axel, move!” I beg.

I don’t know what my plan is, all I know is that beyond a shadow of a doubt, no matter what my wrath had led me to believe, I cannot live in a world without him. He has done everything he has ever needed to keep me alive, and all I have ever done is fault him. His life matters, above all others. He can’t die, I can’t be without him. No matter what else happens, he needs to make it, he needs to survive long enough to get his heart back so that he can—

So that we can—

His body is a thousand degrees as I crash into him, like waves against the shore.

We collide just in time for the spike of the shark’s fin to impale me.

My legs go numb as a wetness floods my abdomen and I am surprised by how incredibly soaked everything feels in my entire core as though the very ocean is alive inside of me. I try to suck in a breath and as I do I am overcome by the sensation that I am drowning.

Something thick and wet fills my lungs and I gasp—

wheeze--

shake as I try desperately to take a breath.

“Rueki!” Axel is suddenly at my side, hands underneath my arms. My legs give out completely underneath me. My eyes cross as a blinding pain rips through my chest cavity, as though someone has pierced into my flesh and torn me wide open with their bare hands. He wraps his arms around my waist, trying to pull me to my feet, and the pressure on my middle is more than I can bare. I scream, though it is a wet, choking, rasping sound, borderline inhuman. My vision prickles, turning white as my head starts to feel too light and too heavy all at the same time.

I hit the ground, body spasming, twitching, vibrating on the pavement.

“What the hell? That was supposed to erase her!” A female voice roars and somewhere in the depths of my memory I register it with Uzuki.

“It would’ve, if she wasn’t alive. Looks like this is how they found the loophole in the game, there really weren’t supposed to be any other players. Well she won’t be erased, she’ll just die and be given the chance to play again, as a real player, next week.” A male voice, Kariya’s says. “Damn shame too, you could’ve had a spotless record this week, girl.”

“Ugh! Fine, let’s find those other two little brats.” Uzuki shrieks. I feel a hand against my face, a hotter than the sun.

“Rueks, babe, you’ve gotta stay with me.” Axel begs and I want to tell him that I’m sorry, that I hope this frees him from the game and that he can go back to The World That Never Was and forget all about me. I want to promise that I forgive him and beg him to forgive me, because I have been so blinded and so in the wrong this entire time, and I’m sorry that it has taken death to make me realize that. He was right all along, the only thing that matters is keeping the person that you care about, alive. I try to speak, but am unsurprised to find that I can’t. I reach out to touch him and black floods my vision. My limbs fade into it, I fade into it.

I

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	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy.

XX.

I am in hell.

Everything around me is on fire and my lungs are burning. I hear Axel’s voice, how appropriate.

“You’ve got to do something!” 

For a second, I think he’s talking to me and I go to tell him that I’m trying, but someone else’s voice responds.

“I’m doing all I can for her, blondie’s gotta pull through this on her own.” I recognize the voice, but despite the fire, everything is dark, and I cannot make out nor bother to remember who the voice belongs to. I’m tired, and the scorching inside of me has made my limbs feel beyond heavy. I want to relax into it, to curl up into the warmth.

“Dammit.” Axel curses. Dammit is right. I wonder if this hell will be similar to the one Zexion created for me, with Axel there to taunt me. 

“I’ve never mended anyone quite like this before.” The first voice says

“I’m sorry.” Axel whispers, though to me or the voice, I do not know.

“Did you know?” The voice asks.

“Yeah.” Axel sighs. “I mean, I speculated, I wasn’t sure, I couldn’t be. But the second she pushed me aside, I knew.”

“And you didn’t say a thing to her?” The voice asks, with contempt. 

“I wasn’t sure, not completely, I’ve been wondering though, since realizing where I knew her from, what happened that night.” Axel sighs. “But you knew.” It’s more a statement than a question. “Why wouldn’t you say anything to me? To her?”

“Wasn’t my place.” The first voice decides. “You’re her partner. She was angry at you, sure, but you’ve gotta trust you partner. Goes both ways, if you’re not giving her anything to trust, what makes you think she’s gonna start?”

“I just…” Axel groans. “I just wanted her to be safe. When we were kids and now.” 

“Well looks like she felt the same. Underneath it all, you two both already had what it took to make it through. You’ve both just gotta get past the nonsense you’re telling yourselves and find a way to come together.” The voice reminds him, and I barely process the words, but they are beautiful, and they are right and it’s fitting that I don’t realize the truth of them until I am here, rotting in hell.

“I really screwed things up.” Axel sighs.

“Takes two to tango. Plus, it doesn’t help anything, blaming yourself. Apologize to the girl, see where it gets you.” The voice suggests, Axel snorts.

“If she makes it out alive.”

“When,” The voice corrects. “Don’t underestimate me.”

“My life was a hell of a lot less complicated without this woman, what has she done to me?” Axel asks, rhetorically.

“Would you have it any other way?” The voice asks.

“Nah.” And I can hear the smile in his voice. “I just wish…you know, I don’t even care if she forgives me at this point. If she lives through this, I’ll drop her off wherever she wants, wherever she’ll be safe, and if she doesn’t want to see me again, fine.”

“And you’ll be okay with that?” The voice asks.

“Doesn’t really matter about me. No, she’s gonna have to come first, just like she always does. Heh, it’s probably a good thing I don’t have a heart. She’d have me wrapped so tightly…” Axel snickers.

“Oh, she doesn’t already?” The voice laughs.

“I guess you’re right.”

I fade gently into the blackness, wishing I could tell Axel that all has been forgiven before I die.

\--

Del and I sit in the living room of the house that he and I used to share with Amaya. A fire is lit, I am wearing his jacket, we both have mugs of steaming tea at hand but I am cold to my core.

“Is this alright?” He asks, and I don’t know what ‘this’ is referring to, but I know the unequivocal answer.

“No.” I take a sip of the tea and am unsurprised to find it lukewarm.

“Has it ever been?” He asks, seemingly unaffected by my words. I know this isn’t real, because the real Del would’ve thrown a fit about this, so predictable. So utterly, uninterestingly human.

“No.” I reply. He nods at me. “What are we supposed to do?”

“Do you remember anything from before we found you?” He asks me suddenly and I narrow my eyes.

“No, I told you already.” I remind him.

“Sure you do.” He encourages, the nod of his head. His sandy hair suddenly grows longer and fairer, his features morphing into something softer, his body changing to that of a young girl in a white frock. Naminé is now sitting across from me and the room we’re in has suddenly changed to my room in Castle Oblivion. We sit opposite each other on the bed, her eyes lit in a way I have never seen them before.

“I wish I could.” I confess, and at this, she climbs up out of my bed and walks over to the closet door and knocks three times.

“Just because the room is sealed, doesn’t mean there’s not a way in.” She informs me. “Sometimes you just need to know the password.”

“We shouldn’t go in there.” I warn, because a deep dread overcomes me as she stands at the door. From nowhere, she pulls a key and unlocks the door. With the twist of her hand, she opens up the door and darkness spills out, in twists and tendrils, spreading up the walls, the carpet, across her. She turns to me, eyes wicked as she presses a finger to her lips and the darkness consumes her. I watch her body distort, horns forming, claws growing, her eyes become yellow as she takes on the shape of a Neo Shadow and clambers over to me, crawling in distorted, twitching movements across the floor. At a frightening speed, she climbs up onto my bed and shoves her face only inches from mine, neck reaching and stretching to unnatural lengths. I brace myself, crawling back and suddenly, the face of the Heartless turns into Zexion’s.

“An absence of memory or amnesia in any form is not actually a trouble in one’s mind, but in one’s heart. Despite the many worlds I have been to, I have only found a few cases of amnesia, each of them caused by interaction with darkness. Darkness has a way of obscuring the heart, hiding the truth in the shadows, however the heart is resilient and can come back even from the depths of darkness. I have seen this time and time again. Once illuminated by the power of light, those suffering from memory loss are usually reunited with lost memories. However there are even fewer cases of amnesia, where the memories seem to live within a chamber of the heart that is completely blocked off. Guarded, by a darkness so deep that the owner cannot help but to surrender their heart. To this day, I have not seen anyone come back from such a deep darkness, however there is always hope, and I truly believe that with a blinding, powerful force of light, even these ‘locked’ memories can be accessed. Perhaps my experiments with the heart will prove fruitful in combating this amnesia.” Zexion recites. “Tell me, Rueki, when was your heart touched by darkness?”

“It wasn’t.” I swear. 

“Dying, crying, never trying, little girl that thinks she’s flying.” He sing-song’s. “Purifying the uncomplying, light her up to catch her lying.” He reaches out and wraps a hand around my throat, the darkness spreading from his fingertips, up into my hair, my eyes turn yellow, glowing in the dark as I gasp for air. “Do you really think you’re so different? What if your fate is the same as the rest of ours?” 

This time, I don’t fade peacefully. I scream as the darkness consumes me.

I burst from sleep with absolutely zero grace, gasping for air as though I am being brought into the world for the very first time. The air feels too crisp, too clean, my limbs tingle ever so slightly, my face buzzes with a sensation I can only liken to drunkenness. Del and I once snuck out of the orphanage and threw fake ID’s down onto the counter of a local liquor store, where a very bored looking twenty-something popped her bubblegum at us and didn’t even look twice as she sold us fifths of cheap booze. We thought it would be cool to just get annihilated, to huddle up in coats under a bridge in town and drink and stare at the stars. He got sick in the nearly frozen river. I didn’t but I remembered hating the fog that my brain disappeared into, the fact that my body felt numb and vibrating all at once. This doesn’t feel too very different. Although my brain is not in a cloud, I do wonder which of my dreams were real and which were created entirely by my mind.

I’m in a room that isn’t white but is instead splattered with greys, blues, browns, colors that shouldn’t go together, in no exact pattern, but still somehow do. I’m in a twin sized bed, underneath an old, grey quilt, propped up against mountains of pillows. I hear the beeping of a machine and feel a cold sensation in the crease of my left elbow. I lift up the quilt with my right hand to see an IV stuck inside of my arm. I look up to see it connected to something, and for a moment, my stomach twists. Is that blood in the tube? But no, the color isn’t right, it’s almost a shining ruby with hot pink undertones and my eyes go wide.

“Elixir.” I breathe. I didn’t almost die, I did die.

Someone has brought me back from the dead. I don’t know how it’s possible, I’ve only heard in theory of Elixir being able to do this, and normally, I try not to mess with Elixir’s unless absolutely necessary. They’re powerful but sometimes too powerful and can make one feel like they’re burning up, with the excessive speeding up of their metabolic rates and healing abilities. I am not burning up though, instead, I am quite comfortable, with the exception of the searing pain in my upper abdomen. Pushing the blankets down further, I realize that my shirt has been unzipped and that from my armpits to my belly button, I am covered in bandages. My hands slide gingerly down my torso and I pinch my eyes shut as I find a spot right around my ribs that seems to be the source of the pain. With great effort, I try to recall the events that transpired. It’s tangled in with the strange dreams I had, but still, I press forward. We were supposed to go to Towa Records, Neku had a bad feeling, Axel and I fought and then…

The Shark.

And I pushed him out of the way.

Memories come flooding back and I gasp, loudly.

Suddenly, in a chair, half way across the room, I hear someone moving and my head whips up. Axel and I make eye contact. His eyes go wide as he blinks away the sleep I must’ve just sprung him from.

“Hey.” My voice sounds weak and raspy, as though I have just inhaled smoke. His brain must be working faster than his body, because he literally leaps out of the chair and with all the grace of a newborn deer, he falls over himself, stumbling straight over to my bedside.

“You’re awake.” I can tell he is trying to tread lightly, because I see his hands start to twitch, as though he wants to reach out to me but is unsure of how I’ll respond. Which is more than fair. For how I’ve treated him, for what we’ve done to each other. All under the guise of ‘he’s not my boyfriend, so I don’t need to treat him as well as I should if we were together’. And I think to myself, maybe I didn’t treat Del right either, maybe he was in the right, finding someone like Amaya that wouldn’t act like such an asshole to him for the most selfish of reasons. I am lucky that Axel’s even in the room with me now, instead of getting the hell out of dodge, I’m lucky he followed me into the portal to Shibuya. I am so lucky just to have him. 

“I look like hell.” Probably. He offers me a sideways grin.

“Well you came back from the dead, you get a free pass.” He shrugs and I nod.

“Guess I should do it more often, I hate brushing my hair.” I say and I watch that sideways grin grow into something real, something warm, something that lights me up from head to toe, like a fire on the coldest of nights. 

This fire is not hellfire though. Just a glow.

“You know, I never thought anyone would make me say I was thankful for not having a heart, but you certainly are a cut about the rest, Rueks. If I had anything in here, I’d be in cardiac arrest.” He informs me and I snort.

“You keep throwing around fancy words like that and I’m going to have to let you into my pants.” I deadpan. With gentle, unsure movements, he tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.

“Is that a threat?” He asks.

“More like a promise.” I correct.

“Guess I better hold off until you’re healed.” He snickers. I look up at my IV and then back to him.

“Can you… I mean…would you get into bed with me?” I ask and I watch his entire being exhale a sigh of relief as he climbs over my legs and tucks himself into the space between me and the wall. Lucky for him, he’s so damn skinny. He wraps an arm around me, I lean my head against his shoulder and I can tell it is taking everything he is not to tighten his hold on me and crush me to his chest. What the hell was I thinking, being okay with letting all of this go?

Once again, I am baffled by myself, by what he has done to me, by who he has turned me into. I believed a few days ago that he was only capable of bringing out the very worst in me. I blamed him for things he had no say in, I held things over his head that should’ve been let go of. Time and time again, I threw in his face all of the little details, when at the end of the day, the only thing that mattered was the bigger picture. I was unaware just how much of a pinprick my vision had turned into, a tunnel of utter hatred, resentment, nitpicking and intolerance when all he had ever tried to do was keep me alive.

I swore up and down that the love I had for this man had been tainted by his wrongdoings. I swore that everything in Castle Oblivion was on him and not on me. Maybe I was just sick of being the bitch and needed someone else to fault for everything, maybe he got caught in the crosshairs. Or maybe he was right, telling me that I was selfish and condescending, that I couldn’t see the good in anything unless it had been concocted in my own head. It doesn’t matter though, who I was before, what I did. I’m not that person anymore. Not if I’m going to keep him. I don’t want to lose sight of myself, not for a second, but I can bend. I can change and grow, be a better me, and if that better me is better for him, then wouldn’t that just be the icing on top?

There are things in life that matter infinitely more than ego. 

“What happened to me?” I ask, finally, breaking the silence that has abruptly become comfortable again.

“You pushed me out of the way of a Taboo Noise.” I can hear the emotion weighing on his voice, and not for the first time, I wonder if he really does not have a heart. “It was meant to eliminate Neku and Shiki, but I ended up making it to Towa Records and clearing the mission first. It punctured your lung. Normally, Players just get erased, in the blink of an eye, but we’re alive. Which means we can’t get erased, we have to die first. And Rueki, I couldn’t watch you die, not after…” 

“After what?” I ask and he sighs, looking to me with an expression so transparent, I swear I can see straight through him.

“We’ve been through a hell of a lot.” Axel sighs and I nod.

“I treated you like such shit.” I chew my lip.

“I acted like you were at fault for having emotions.” He reminds me. “And used them against you.”

“Doesn’t make up for the fact that I blamed you for not having emotions. Which is so dumb, I told myself a long time ago that at the end of the day your lack of heart really wasn’t a deal breaker, but do you think I could be bothered to act like it?” I ask. “Nope, instead, you were right. I was selfish and condescending and threw my emotions in your face, dangling them over you, like I was better than you, every chance I got.” 

“When I said that, Rueki…I was talking out of my ass.” He sighs. “You’re not selfish or condescending. And as for the other stuff? Well, lucky for you it does actually take a heart to hold a grudge.” He finally leans in and presses his lips gingerly against my temple. I melt, liquifying beneath his touch.

“It can’t be that easy.” I shake my head. “It never was with Del.” Who is literally my only other experience with dating, ever.

“Well, ain’t it neat that I’m not like other guys.” He taps me on the nose with the hand that isn’t gripping my shoulder and I bark out a laugh.

“Could you be any cheesier if you tried?” I ask.

“I dunno. I could tell you something like watching you die made me feel emptier than not having a heart ever has, and that if I did have a heart, it would be yours completely. And that I’m sorry that I used you, but I haven’t had a heart in so long that I’ve lost sight of what it’s like to hurt one, but that I never wanted to hurt you, even though I’m a jerk and an asshole. And that I can’t promise that I’ll never keep things from you if it means keeping you safe, but I can promise never to hide my plans or use you to do my bidding, because you’re not a pawn in my game, you’re the damn queen and I wish I would’ve told you this earlier.” He says and I feel my heart still for a moment. “You know, if I were trying to be cheesier.”

“Well,” I say. “Then, I guess I would probably say something like I’m the one who should be sorry, because you may be a jerk and an asshole, but so am I and I think that’s what makes us perfect for each other. And that I’m sorry that I couldn’t just trust you and forgive you earlier, but I am headstrong as they come and while I won’t change that, I can promise that if you give me a moment to cool down, I will always come back to you and forgive you if you can do the same for me. And that I’m sorry you had to watch me almost die, but I am incredibly selfish and there is no way I could watch you fade because I cannot live in a world where you don’t exist.” 

As though I am a rag doll, he moves me, tilting my frame so that I am almost on my side, leaning my hands into his chest.

“It can’t be that easy.” He replies. I know he’s teasing me.

“I guess it really can.” I sigh. He leans into me, pressing his lips to mine, cradling my head in one of his hands as though I am made of glass and will shatter at any minute. “But we’ve gotta stop doing this shit to each other.”

“Yeah, I think you might be right there, sweetheart. I’d rather not end up in this same situation again, if it’s all the same to you.” He says. 

“I’m just…so embarrassed, like what the hell was I thinking?” I shake my head. “I thought I was at least a mildly reasonable person, but then you come out of nowhere and prove everything I ever thought was true, wrong.” 

“You know there are a lot cuter ways to tell a guy he’s special.” He reminds me. I may feel like hell, but I still have the strength to swat him on the arm.

“What I’m getting at, is that…I really treated you like shit, like more than I think is fair to treat someone you care for like shit. I don’t know if it was under the guise of ‘you’re not my boyfriend, I don’t need to treat you well’, or if it was because I wanted to hurt you for unintentionally hurting me for not having a heart, but I sucked.” I confess, and this brand new vulnerability feels just as freeing as it does humiliating. But Axel does what Axel does best.

“Well, maybe I should be your boyfriend then.” He completely brushes all of what made me uncomfortable aside and meets me with a lopsided grin that makes my stomach backflip.

“I guess we could make the distance thing work. You know, when we get the fuck out of here and you drop me off in who knows where.” I offer and he snorts.

“Oh sweetheart, you’re coming straight back to The World That Never Was with me.”

“When did the plan become anything other than dropping me off in another world ‘for my safety’?” I ask, using air quotes.

“When you decided to play shark bait. You’re not the only one of us who doesn’t want to live in a world without the other.” He informs me.

“You were told to eliminate me.” I remind him, not that I particularly want him to.

“I was told to do a lot of nasty things, and you were so very helpful, assisting me in ridding our Organization of traitors. In fact, I think I might have to remind Xemnas of how much of an asset you are to us alive.” He says. “I’ve had to do enough dirty work, I think it’s time I ask the Superior to sweeten the deal for me. After all, what better way to convince me that getting my heart back is worth all of the risks, when the person I want to give it to is at my side.” 

I don’t just feel warm on the inside, I am burning up, my heart lighting up the world like a wildfire that I never want to be extinguished.

“Guess you’ll have to be my boyfriend then.” I beam. “Damn, how could I possibly have thought I hated you?” 

“You’ll probably think it again, I’m pretty polarizing. But the makeup sex is pretty amazing.” He reminds me.

“That it is.” I laugh. “So, uh, not to spoil the moment, but where are we?”

“Sanae’s place.” Sane. Sanae Hanekoma, Mr. H. Of course. My unconscious dreams and maybe memories of what were said while I was out cold come flooding back and I realize quickly that I was hearing him and Axel talk for at least part of the time I was out. “Neku and Shiki told me to take you here, he got you patched up pretty quick. I tell you what, you scared the hell out of me though.”

I decide not to correct him by telling him he doesn’t have the heart to feel fear.

“I think I heard you guys talking, when I was out.” I say and Axel makes a face. “This has something to do with the whole ‘I can’t watch you die after…’ thing doesn’t it?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Unfortunately, you’re not as dumb as I usually like em’.” He says.

“Sorry, in the future I’ll aspire to be more like our zombie friend, Roxas.” I try and he cracks a little half smile, but it doesn’t touch his eyes.

“Will it make a difference if I tell you that the truth won’t always set you free?” He asks.

“Nope.” I say.

“Damn.” He brushes a thumb across my cheekbone before drawing slowly away from me. For a minute, I think to protest, but then, he moves us around so that he is on his back and I am laying on my chest, and to be honest, I could absolutely get used to being manhandled by my boyfriend. My boyfriend.

Wow.

“I…remembered something about our past.” Axel tells me. “I lost my heart protecting you.”

I don’t realize that I am holding my breath until I draw a shaky one in.

“Are you sure?” Because I want so bad for this to be a lie.

“Oh, I’ve got it memorized.” He nods. “When you pushed me out of the way of the Noise, it completely mirrored the night our world fell to darkness. I was on my way to find Saix, we were going to try to find a way out or fight off the Heartless, but we were just kids, I doubt we could’ve done much of anything. But before I could find him, I ran into you. You had a pair of scissors in your hand and were trying to defend yourself, but you were even younger than me, you were barely staying afloat. So I came over to help you, and for a second, it looked like we were making progress, like we were a team, like we were going to make it out… And then a Neo Shadow came after you. There was no way you would’ve made it, I didn’t think I just acted, I pushed you out of the way and it ripped my heart out of my chest. The last thing I remember is you screaming my name.”

I realize in that moment that he maneuvered us so that we don’t have to make eye contact through this conversation, and I am thankful that he knows me well enough to know that I will not be able to meet his gaze. Or maybe this is more for him. Maybe he cannot bare to look at me. I stare at the wall closest to the bed, my hands shaking as they clutch the fabric of his coat in my fists. 

“Axel…” I breathe his name and it wavers, my voice rattling. 

“I told you, you didn't want to know.” He reminds me, and that he did. I pinch my eyes shut and hide my face in his chest.

“I am so sorry. I am so fucking sorry.” But it’s not enough, I know, it’ll never be enough. How the hell am I supposed to make this up to him, how am I supposed to come to terms with the fact that the man I love cannot love me and it is entirely my fault?

“It’s nice to see you two have finally made up.” Conscious, I recognize Sanae Hanekoma’s voice at the door, but I don’t want to move away from the soothing heat that Axel is radiating. And I fear that if I separate from him, that suddenly, the weight of the world will come crashing down on me.

“Your timing is impeccable.” Axel says, rubbing my back, drawing me in closer which instantly makes me feel guilty. Shouldn’t I be doing this for him and not the other way around?

“You finally tell her?” Sanae asks, and I swear, I can physically feel Axel’s hesitation.

“I told her…enough…for now.” He admits and instantly, my head pops back up, my eyes meeting his.

“There’s more?” I gasp and the expression on his face is something that I can only describe as heavy. 

“C’mon, Rueki, isn’t this enough for now?” He asks and much as every fiber in my body fights in protest, I know that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he is right.

“Yeah.” I concede and turn away from him, to see where Sanae stands, so that I don’t need to register the shock that crosses Axel’s face. “Thank you, by the way. For saving me.” I say.

“No sweat, blondie. I’ve already figured out a way you can pay me back.” He says, waving one hand while the other holds a mug with steam rising out of it. 

“Of course you did. What am I doing?” I sigh.

“We.” Axel corrects and I watch the warmest smile spread across Sanae’s face. In this moment, I truly believe that this is the man’s calling: forming harmonious relationships between players, making Shibuya run that much smoother.

“We.” I nod and I look back to Axel, who now has his hands behind his head and has made himself plenty comfortable.

“Day Seven is going to be a free for all. The GM wants Phones and the young lady gone yesterday. I’m sure you partner already told you, the Taboo Noise was meant for them, but the GM isn’t the only one on a rampage. Those two have pissed off just about every Reaper in the UG, for some reason none of them are two keen on working multiple weeks in a row.” Sanae shrugs.

“Which means they’re going to need our help.” Axel predicts.

“Bingo.” Sane says. “You two up for the challenge?”

“Depends, I guess. What day is today?” I ask, looking to the IV in my arm. Because no, the pain isn’t crippling, but I also think one blow from someone like Uzuki would have me down for the count.

“Day 5, late night. Time doesn’t pass the same way inside here, the GM can’t just end the day at my house.” Sanae laughs. Gently, I touch the spot where the shark pierced me. A punctured lung. It seems so crazy that I was able to recover in a day and a half, but I guess, at the same time, nothing should surprise me anymore. Not with all of the secrets I have learned about this world and many others, and all the secrets I still have yet to learn. Maybe being a cynic wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

“Well, if you keep pumping me full of this stuff, I’m sure I’ll be good to go.” I point a thumb at the IV. “Although, I am wondering how you managed to not kill me by Elixir overdose.” 

“You Alchemists think you know everything about synthesis, but you forget the most basic of elements.” Sanae grins, shaking his head. “You water something down with just a little bit of Remedy and you can reap all of the benefits with none of the consequences.” And damn, that does make sense.

“Fine, fine.” I wave my hand. “Get out of here then, I should probably sleep.”

Sanae grumbles something to himself about this being his house, as he files out of the room, but at the edge of his profile, I can see a smile tugging at his lips.

“Will you stay?” I ask Axel. “I don’t know if you’re tired, but—”

“Are you kidding?” He snorts. “I’ve been waiting on you with baited breath, sweetheart. I couldn’t very well sleep, wondering when the hell you were gonna wake up.”

“So that nap you were taking when I woke up…” I raise an eyebrow.

“Was a reaction of my shell, not me. Even without a heart, I can’t control physical reactions. I doubt I was asleep for more than ten minutes.” He insists.

“You know, it might just be easier to admit that you’re lazy and wanted an excuse to conk out.” I try. He rolls his eyes and pulls me down onto his chest. 

“I think I liked you better when you weren’t talking.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Thank you so much for baring with me through this very self indulgent trip to Shibuya! I first played The World Ends With You about 6 years ago, and it was legitimately a turning point in Axel and Rueki's story. TWEWY changed my life and in the midst of this love-hate relationship that was brewing between these two characters, I thought to myself 'huh, Final Fantasy characters are in Kingdom Hearts, what if I threw Shibuya into the mix'. I mean the characters were already in Dream Drop Distance, so why the hell not? The scene in the last chapter of Axel and Rueki sitting in bed, apologizing to one another has been a scene that I have had in my head all of these six years and I am so happy I finally got to share it with you! This is the last chapter that takes place in Shibuya and contains HUGE spoilers for TWEWY. Like seriously. You have been warned!

XXI. 

I wake up on Day 7 and decide I need a cold shower, because my boyfriend is the temperature of the sun.

And, well, he’s hot and I am physically well enough to be horny again.

I emerge from the shower of the bathroom attached to the room we’re in and swipe my hand across the mirror above the sink. I look like a drowned rat again, which is familiar and comforting, though I don’t think I will be getting used to the new scar on my abdomen any time soon. It’s about three inches long, angry and red, but at least I am sufficiently mended. Mid way through combing my fingers through my hair, the door creaks open. I don’t even reach for a towel. Instead, I lean into Axel as he wraps his arms around me from behind.

“Good morning, beautiful.” He kisses my neck.

“You are so whipped.” I roll my eyes. “You have never told me anything about my looks other than that I look like shit.”

“Nah, you’re wrong.” He argues. “I’m sure I’ve told you how cute you are before.”

“Maybe when you’re banging me.” I shrug.

“Well maybe you shouldn’t look so perfect taking my cock.” He grins against my skin. My stomach does a backflip.

“Do I? You know I’ve forgotten how good I look fucking you, maybe you should refresh my memory while we have a mirror in front of us.” I say, grinding my hips back against his. But he is as immovable as a brick wall.

“C’mon Rueks. We’re guests in the man’s house.” He tries.

“Yeah, and we’re in the bathroom. Shower sex makes for easy cleanup.” I encourage, although I know I hate shower sex and it won’t be good anyway.

“Or, and hear me out, we can wait until we get back to Castle Oblivion, and then I don’t need to shush you when I make you scream.” He draws slowly away from me, hands still on my hips.

“I hate it when you’re right.” I grumble, running my fingers through my hair.

“What are you fussing with that for?” He asks. “We both know it’s going up in a ponytail in five minutes.” 

Challenge accepted.

“Shiki made sure that your new clothes didn’t get left behind in the street.” Axel informs me, taking his hands off of me. “They’re in the bags on the dresser.”

“How kind of her.” I grin. “Do we know how her and Neku are doing? Did they make it out okay on day 4?” 

“According to Sanae.” Axel shrugs and starts taking off his boxers. 

“Okay, I need to get out of here, or I am going to spontaneously combust.” I sigh, grabbing a towel out of the cabinet. 

“Because I’m so hot?” He wiggles his eyebrows.

“Exactly.” I lean up on my toes and press my lips to his before tucking out of the bathroom.

True to his word, I find the outfit that Shiki and I bought together, as well as the shoes, the lipstick and the cute underwear, sitting on the dresser. Suddenly, life seems pretty great again. I towel dry my hair before pulling on my new outfit. I still hate the shorts a little bit and feel like they’re trying to devour my ass, but as I turn to rummage through the bag for lipstick and hear the door of the bathroom creak open behind me, the reaction is beyond satisfying.

“You should shop with Shiki more often.” I turn to grin at Axel, still on my toes, red lipstick now in hand. “Actually, do you want to just go shopping with her now, and Neku and I will take care of the GM?”

I use the window as a mirror to apply the lipstick, which looks badass as all hell with my black on black ensemble. I turn to him, smirking. He snorts.

“Yeah, the offer still stands.” With his towel draped over the door and a pair of boxer briefs on, he starts to pull on a pair of pants that I swear to all hell are tighter and dip lower along his waist, exposing more of the delicious ‘v’ of his hipbones. I rub the back of my neck as I drink in the sight of him, not even trying to be subtle. 

“New pants?” I ask. He shrugs. “They’d look a lot better on the ground.” I say. He barks out a laugh and walks over to me, lifting me up in his arms. I wince a little, surprised that even this is putting a strain on my sore abdomen. Axel quickly sets me down and I pout. “You didn’t have to stop, the pain wasn’t so bad.” I try.

“Sweetheart, we need to adjust your priorities.” He snickers.

“You should consider it a compliment. I wouldn’t die to have sex with just anyone.” I snark back. He leans in to press his lips to my forehead, and I am surprised by how something so innocent can make me turn to mush so fast. 

A knock sounds off at the door and I tilt my head, watching as Sanae opens the door.

“Is it safe?” He makes a big show of covering his eyes with his hand.

“It’s not going to be, if you keep being a turd.” I grumble under my breath and Axel elbows me in the side of my ribs that wasn’t just stabbed by a shark fin. 

“Sweetheart, the man saved your life.” He reminds me.

“Feh.” I mutter. Axel sets a hand on the small of my back and rests his chin on the top of my head, to look over me and at Sanae.

“What can we do you for, my good sir? Axel asks.

“Well if I haven’t sufficiently ruined Blondie’s whole day with my presence,” I can practically feel the grin radiating off of him. He might drive me just as insane as my boyfriend.

I catch myself grinning like an idiot. I don’t think this will ever get old.

“You’ve got some visitors.” Sanae finishes. I feel Axel draw away from me to spin me around and grab his coat off of the bed and as he zips it up, Shiki literally barrels past Sanae, as though he is a barricade and I am her favorite musician.

“Rueki!” She leaps at me and throws her arms around me. Although taller than me, she’s so tiny, that even now, feeling up to snuff, but still a little sore, she doesn’t do much damage. I wrap her in a tight hug and throw my head back, laughing.

“Good to see you too, kiddo!” 

“Omigod, you have no idea how worried we were!” She pulls back, still grabbing me by the top of the arms, to look me over, as though she is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Yeah, Shiki wouldn’t shut up about you.” Neku is standing a few feet away from us, a hand around his arm and a sheepish smile on his face.

“Oh don’t act like you didn’t miss me, bring it in kid, there are enough hugs to spare.” I insist. He meets my expression with a complete deadpan.

“No thanks.” 

“Ha! It’s good to see that you kids have all made friends. Really warms my heart.” Sanae touches his hand to his chest.

“Wait, all of us?” Shiki grins at me in the least subtle way possible. Suddenly, behind me, Axel returns, fully clothed to set his head on top of mine again and grab me by the waist. He pulls me out of Shiki’s grip to hug me around the middle and I wince a little, but try to hide the look of pain.

“Rueki’s finally realized that she’s not going to do any better than me.” Axel teases and for good measure, I decide to elbow him in the ribs. “Ouch!” He pulls away, rubbing his abdomen. I grin at him.

“What he means is that I’ve decided to tolerate him for the time being.” I shrug. “And, you know, maybe tell anyone who is willing to listen that he’s my boyfriend now.” 

“Oh Rueki, that is so exciting!” Shiki squeals and once again, throws her arms around me. I laugh, I don’t think I’ve had a moment that is both so ecstatic and so full of estrogen in my entire life. Not that I’m complaining. For a moment, I forget that I’m hugging a dead girl, while her dead friend and an inhuman guardian stand beside us. I forget that my boyfriend doesn’t have a heart and doesn’t ‘technically’ exist in the first place. For a second, I forget that he is still hiding something from me.

Well, maybe I don’t forget but maybe it doesn’t matter.

After a few more pleasantries are exchanged, the four of us head out to a place Neku calls ‘Pork City’. To me, it sounds like the name of a tacky Barbeque place, but I am assured that it is not.

“It’s a place where all of the thoughts build in Shibuya. Good and bad, in the UG they build and rise to the top.” Neku says. I furrow my brow.

“How do you know this?” I ask.

“Ever since day 4, Neku’s been having more random memories pop back up, stuff that makes no sense.” Shiki confesses.

“It’s annoying.” Neku offers. I don’t think I’d mind it so much, getting little glimpses into my memories, but then I remember my dream. I remember Naminé tapping at a door, telling me there was a way in, before darkness consumed her. Maybe it’s better that I don’t remember anything. Maybe ignorance is bliss.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” A bubblegum voice sing songs from behind us and I grab Axel’s hand. I steal a glance to Neku and Shiki, who look apprehensive and anxious and like they just want more than anything to be done with this. It dawns on me, that for how over this game I am, Axel and I have played for the equivalent of four and a half days. Neku and Shiki have been playing for three times that long, and they’re just kids.

The four of us turn in perfect unison to see Uzuki striding over, swaying her flawless hips, arms crossed to her chest, a predatory smile on her face. Her partner, Kariya, is lagging behind, a hand in the pocket of his jeans, lollipop still dangling from his lips.

“Looks like a couple of players. Two back from the dead. So to speak” He says, and then taking the lollipop out of his mouth, a lazy grin starts to spread across his features. It somehow scares me more than any expression Uzuki has ever worn. “Only you two were never dead in the first place, were you?”

A feeling of dread washes over me, as though this is a secret he never should’ve found out about.

“What a waste of perfectly good Noise.” Uzuki huffs as she approaches us.

“I dunno, it smarted pretty good.” I shrug.

“I mean hey, good effort. But better luck next time.” Axel says, leaning against me and suddenly we are the badass power couple that I wanted us to be from the very beginning. 

“Who’s got a mouth on them that’ll land us in trouble, again?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at him. Axel shrugs.

“Guess you’re rubbing off on me, sweetheart.”

“Awe, you made up. How cute, I just might puke.” Uzuki makes a retching face as her and Kariya finally close in on us.

“Fact of the matter is, girlie, you’ve put a target on your head. The GM doesn’t care who we take out now, you two or our veteran players. You’re both worth double the points. Guess you should’ve stayed dead.” Kariya says, and despite the red hair, he is now reminding me for the first time of my own partner. Casual and sarcastic on the surface, but I have a feeling that whatever is lurking beneath is deadly beyond compare. I squeeze Axel’s hand one more time before releasing it. 

“Guess only two of us need to stay here and put up with you, then.” I say. And I know it isn’t going to be Neku and Shiki. At the end of the day, these two Reapers are just the GM’s pawns, and I am still sore as all hell. I’d rather take on the pawns than the king right now. 

“You guys go ahead, we’ll take care of them.” Axel waves his hand and I roll my shoulder back, thankful that without even speaking them, he understands my limitations.

“Are you sure you guys are up for this?” Shiki asks, looking at me with a knit brow and worried eyes.

“No, but hey, who better to start with than these small fries?” I say, mostly just to vex Uzuki, who snorts, indignantly.

“Um rude, we almost just killed you the other day.” Uzuki grumbles, though it goes unacknowledged. 

“Sorry, looks like you guys are stuck doing the heavy lifting.” Axel offers her a half smile. Shiki still looks anxious, but Neku seems to understand, because he nods.

“Thank you, guys.” He says.

“Don’t make a big deal of it, kid.” I smile softly at him. He yanks at Shiki’s arm and the two take off.

“You know, you two would’ve been better off going to hunt down the GM, you haven’t pissed him off like you’ve pissed off this one.” Kariya says, jutting a thumb in Uzuki’s direction.

“It doesn’t seem like it’s really that much work.” Axel shrugs. Uzuki quite literally growls. Kariya chuckles.

“You know, this might actually be a fun fight. It’s been a while since I’ve fought anyone who isn’t dead.” Kariya grins.

“Speak for yourself. I am so not in the mood for a one sided beat down.” Uzuki pouts. 

“I’m literally right here. I can hear everything you’re saying.” I roll my eyes.

“Oh good, so you know exactly how this is going to go.” Uzuki grins.

“She remind you of anyone we know, Rueks?” Axel asks and I bite back a smile.

“You mean our very best friend, Larxene?” I ask. 

“The very same.” He says, tapping his temple.

“Is that supposed to mean something?” Uzuki snorts.

“I think they’re trying to be funny.” Kariya tries.

“Oh no, just on a walk down memory lane, got it memorized?” Axel asks. “Hey, Rueks, do you recall what happened to Larxene, or should I give you a recap?”

“Refresh my memory.” I say as Uzuki comes sprinting at me.

We’re in the realm of combat, suddenly, and Uzuki stands across from me, a gun at hand. A seductive smile lights her features, almost as though she is the cat and she’s finally alone with the mouse. Too bad for her, I’m a scrappy little mouse.

Not allowing her another second to prepare, I sprint at her. She shoots, and she’s a damn good shot, I lift Survivor to deflect the impact to realize…she’s shooting flowers at me? 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” I mutter, but as they connect with Survivor, my eyes go wide and I’m knocked back. My arm stings and tingles beneath my claw, a burning sensation that seems to penetrate my bones.

“Nope, not kidding at all.” Uzuki giggles, so I say fuck it and slash across her with full force anyway. The pain in my arm screams as it spreads from my arm, to my chest, up and down my entire body. For a second, I feel exactly the way I did when the shark crashed into me and I fall onto my back, clutching my middle, trying to blink away the spots in my vision.

Those flowers were laced with poison.

Despite my hit, Uzuki is not down for as long as I am, and she hovers above me, smashing her foot down into my abdomen. Pain rips through me as I cry out, back arching, body heaving. I struggle to keep down the nonexistent contents of my stomach.

“Awe, poor baby, flowers don’t look so harmless now.” She giggles, leaning over me. And I don’t care how much I hurt, I don’t care that every time I attack her the poison in my veins is going to damage me. I really just don’t give a shit, I’m pissed. I grab her by the head and smash my skull into hers, at a force where I swear I can hear a sickening crack, and then, while she is disoriented—I am too, but at least I was prepared—I send my knee straight into her stomach and then deliver another kick to her jaw.

She cries out, her wings taking her straight up into the air, at the furthest corner away from me. I fish through my pouch, finding an Antidote and I quickly down it, sighing as I feel the effects of the poison wear off. I still hurt from head to toe, but nothing is burning.

I don’t know if Uzuki is curing herself or just catching her breath, but I don’t want this to go on any longer. I load a Luck Sphere and an Antidote into Survivor, knowing full well that if I don’t land this attack, it very well might kill me, the state I’m in. Guess I better not miss. I feel the energy building in my claw and I raise my arm in the air, feeling the effects of the Hero Drink wash over me. Energy floods my system, as though I am hopped up on far too much caffeine, my blood boils underneath my skin, my muscles twitch, desperate for release. I spring up, flipping over, shooting far higher than I ever could into the air on my own. It’s not high enough to unleash an attack, but I grab Uzuki by her boot. She shrieks as I drag her to the ground and smash my claw into her chest. I swear, I can physically feel her health drain. But after an attack like that, I feel my own as well.

I’m dizzy, I stumble back off of her, trying to find a potion in my pack, but as blackness clouds my vision, I don’t know if I’d be able to tell a Potion from an Ether. I pop the cap off of something and drink it, making a face. Definitely a Potion, thank goodness. Because although I am still out of breath, so is she. At least I can see again. Uzuki pushes herself up, legs shaking as she gets to her feet.

“You bitch.” With narrowed eyes, she aims the gun at me. I don’t know how I’m going to have the energy to escape her blast, but I’m going to need to figure something out, I’m not going to make it through getting hit with Poison again. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe I’m not in any shape to fight anything yet. Maybe I have colossally screwed Axel over, a weak link in this battle. I say a silent apology to my partner and brace myself for her attack.

Out of nowhere, Uzuki doubles over on her knees, clutching her middle as the gun falls out of her hand and clatters against the pavement. She gasps, and her body flashes white for just the briefest of seconds.

“Dammit!” She snaps, eyes darting up to mine, a fire burning beneath them. She shakes and sputters, screaming out a defiant roar, like a lioness wronged one too many times, before we are once again on the streets of Shibuya. Her and I are both on the ground, Kariya is leaning against the side of a building, clutching his abdomen, grinning. Axel is hunkered over in a very similar way, though he doesn’t look as worse for the wear. I realize instantly how I was able to get out of this alive. My partner pulled all the punches for me, he didn’t hold anything back. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Axel unleash his full fury on anything, not even Marluxia. “We lost? How did we lose?” Uzuki screams.

“Dude, you didn’t put yourself in danger of fading, did you?” I ask and suddenly, I see, behind my eyes, Zexion’s hand, the last remnants of him fading into blackness and I choke on my breath. Axel must see me with wide, horrified eyes and think it is all for him. He reaches down, and with what little strength he must have left, pulls me to my feet, an arm around my waist. Leaning against him, I search through my pouch for potions.

“Did I just catch you worrying, Rueks?” He teases. I glare, and hand him a potion before drinking one of my own.

“Well yeah, in case you missed it, my boyfriend is a fucking moron.” I remind him. He snorts.

“Your praise is so touching.” Axel replies. It appears now that Kariya has eased Uzuki away from a temper tantrum, though she is still clearly fuming when he finally speaks.

“Now that was a hell of a fight. You’re not even human at all, are you?” Kariya stretches his arms high above his head, popping his joints, as though this is all he has in him and he’s now ready for a nap. Somehow, I highly doubt this was all he had to give. 

“Guilty as charged.” Axel replies and damn, it really hits me that those two are cut from the same cloth. “What gave me away?”

“Well, I’ve only seen one other person use darkness before. What does that make you? A Heartless?” Kariya asks, and again, I’m wondering if Heartless and Nobodies are common knowledge to everyone in every other world.

“A what?” Uzuki asks, and that answers that question.

“A Nobody, actually. All shell, no heart.” Axel says. Kariya’s eyes light up with a spark in them, like this is the first time in centuries he’s actually been intrigued by something.

“That’s wild.” He replies. “You looking for a job, red? No one wants to be a Reaper anymore. They all want to ‘come back to life’ because they ‘miss their friends and families’.” He says, using air quotes.

“Go figure.” I grumble under my breath.

“Anyway, we could use someone like you. Hell, bring your girl too if you want.” Kariya shrugs.

“Since when do you have the authority to make people Reapers?” Uzuki scoffs.

“Since never. But hey, do you think the GM would complain? Besides, if we’re going to keep playing back to back games, we need more man power, I could use a day off.” Kariya replies.

“Thank, but I’m gonna have to pass.” Axel laughs. “Already got a job that works me to the bone.”

“Damn, well, worth a shot.” Kariya says. “Word of advice though, start pretending you’re a slacker and you might end up with a day or two more off. Next vacation day you get, tell everyone who will listen that all you did all day was nap. Suddenly you might have a lot less grunt work to do.”

“You know, I might just follow that bit of advice. And I don’t say that to just anyone, got it memorized?” Axel grins.

“That is accurate, he doesn’t.” I nod.

“Why the hell are you being so nice to them? How are you not mad? We lost, Kariya!” Uzuki roars.

“Eh, we weren’t gonna win anyway. You’ve never fought the living.” Kariya waves his hand.

“So you let the other two get away?” Uzuki asks.

“There’s always next week.” Kariya shrugs.

“Wait, what?” I ask.

“Not for you two, in fact, I’ll be extra nice to you, because that was probably the most fun I’ve had in a fight in a damn long time. But you two wanna head to the Shibuya River. The other two will probably meet you there. Head to the Composer’s pad, it’s through a set of doors by the river. It’s the only place in here you’ll be able travel through darkness. Don’t stick around, seriously. It doesn’t end pretty for your friends.” Kariya tells us. I look to Axel brow furrowed.

“Fuck that, we’re not going to just let them die!” I snap.

“They’re already dead.” Uzuki rolls her eyes, as though having to speak to me still is annoying enough to be considered a personal attack.

“I don’t actually give a fuck.” I remind her.

“Rueks…” Axel mutters, mouth twisted. 

“The UG is a lot more dog eat dog than you think, blondie.” Kariya warns.

“Ha, let her get stuck here. If she wants to sacrifice herself and get her memories wiped so that she can play the game again and again, let her. And next time, I’ll erase her.” Uzuki replies, and I have a feeling that if her hair was long enough to toss it, she would.

My stomach drops as I look to my partner. Axel and I lock eyes and that is all it takes for me to make my decision, much as I hate myself for it. I can’t lose these memories we made, I can’t lose the progress we’ve made. He can’t get stuck here, I want him to be okay, I want us to be okay. We’ve fought and struggled, I almost died to get us here. Great as Neku and Shiki are, nothing is worth Axel. Nothing ever will be.

“We should get to the Composer’s pad.” I whisper. Axel wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me in tight, pressing his lips to my temple. His warmth is comforting, just for a second.

Kariya gives us directions to the Shibuya River, and sure enough, there are Neku and Shiki, looking around, confused and curious.

“Hey kids.” I say and Shiki nearly falls on her ass. Neku even jumps a little.

“Shit.” He mutters.

“You guys scared us!” Shiki chastises. “But you made it!”

“I don’t think Kariya was trying.” I confess.

“Yeah, but Uzuki wanted you dead, pretty bad.” Axel says.

“That she did.” I agree. “But, turns out we’re pretty resilient.”

“So we all made it.” Shiki says.

“I don’t know.” Neku counters.

“What are you talking about, Phones?” Axel asks, and I literally watch a look of utter annoyance cross Neku’s features at the use of that nickname.

“Shiki and I have never been here before. Last time we were just in a white light and a voice told us that we had broken the rules and were required to play a penalty game, where our new entry fees were all other players.” Neku says.

“Well, who knows. Maybe this means you’re off the hook.” Axel suggests.

“That’s what I was hoping but…This place is so creepy.” Shiki decides.

“You’re right about that.” I agree.

We’re all silent for a moment longer before I really think about what Kariya said. Axel and I need to get out of here, yesterday.

“Nothing we can do but keep going though.” I say, and that we do.

We continue past the double doors and into a white room with a black leather sofa and an aquarium along the wall. It’s beautiful, modern, the Composer’s Pad is infinitely cooler than anywhere in the World That Never Was.

“Wait, I’ve been here.” Neku looks as though the breath has been ripped straight from his lungs. His eyes are wild as they fly around the room, and Shiki reaches out to grab his arm, but he tears straight away from her.

“Neku…” She tries.

“You don’t remember this?” He snaps and she retreats in on herself, flinching as though she has been hit.

“Where would I remember this from?” She asks, meekly.

“I don’t know but…” He clutches his head in his hands. “Goddammit, I’ve been here before!”

“Oh, Neku, I can never fool you for very long, can I?” A tenor voice singsongs. 

Instantly, all four of our heads turn to where a teenage boy with ashy hair, wearing a button down and a pair of slacks, is slow clapping. An impish grin has the boy’s features lit as he steps out into the light of the room, eyes on Neku with an excited glint that could light the word for eons.

Or burn civilizations to the ground.

“Joshua.” Neku breathes the name and he takes a step forward, toward the boy, instinctively, with his hand out. Joshua laughs.

“Neku, you know this guy?” I ask.

“No…I…yes? I don’t know.” Neku shakes his head as though he is trying to shake off a migraine.

“You never seem to forget me, no matter what memories I take from you.” Joshua closes the distance between himself and Neku and taps the boy on the nose. Neku looks at him, wide eyed and feral. “Really, I’m honored.”

“The memories?” Neku asks, brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”

But Shiki gasps, covering her mouth with her hands.

“Neku, he’s the Composer!” She shrieks. Neku breaks in a way that I have never seen a person fall apart before, he falls to his knees, skin sallow like a corpse, eyes wide and empty.

“And dear Shiki. You know, for all of your envy, you really are smarter than Eri. Sorry you had to get roped into this and that I had to…you know.” He waves a hand at her as her eyes burn into him.

“I was over my jealousy! I was happy being me!” She screams, hands in such tight fists that she shakes. “How the hell dare you!”

“Oh you say that, but even you, you’re only human. You were on a slippery slope, all of you. Beat, Neku, you, even Rhyme. You were forgetting all of the lessons I taught you!” The boy, Joshua claps his hands together. “Beat was falling back into apathy, Rhyme, taking all of those beautiful dreams for granted. Your obsession with Eri was stronger than it had ever been before, look at you now. Still trying to act like her, all I had to do was make you look like her and it was back to the same old Shiki. And Neku? Ha! Oh, he was just as miserable as he was before we started playing our very first game. Of course, you two don’t remember all of that, do you?” And with a wave of his hands, Shiki’s eyes become the size of saucers and Neku screams, his head cradled in his hands.

“Much better, memories restored.” Joshua says, and then turns to Axel and I. “And you two? Such a lovely turn of events. I will say, I wasn’t too keen on two new players entering my very special game, but you allowed me the perfect opportunity to recreate an old favorite—the Day 4 annihilation. It always does wonders, bringing Neku and Shiki together.”

“You are a sick, twisted fuck.” I spit.

“You misunderstand. I just wanted my friends back.” Joshua’s face is deadly serious. “You see, the five of us played a game, about six months ago. I wanted Shibuya destroyed, Neku, in all of his surliness, was my one obstacle. If he could change, then so could I, and Shibuya would be kept around. And if not, well, I got my way. What I did was quite illegal of course, even as far as Angels go. Even I answer to a higher power. But alas, Neku’s heart grew and grew after three consecutive weeks of playing my game with three different partners. He passed my ultimate test and I restored him, Shiki, Beat and Rhyme to life.” He shrugs.

“So what the hell happened?” Neku suddenly roars. “Joshua, I had changed, I had—” Neku chokes and sputters, like too much oxygen is coming in all at once.

“Do you ever listen, Neku?” Joshua rolls his eyes. “Of course you changed, but you disappointed me, once again. All of you. You were resorting to old habits. Can’t have that, now can we? After all of the progress we made?”

“So you killed us again?” Shiki roars.

“If it helps, you didn’t feel a thing.” Joshua offers. “In fact, it’s been even more of a pain to me. I was banned from reentering the game as a player, but I have been trying so hard to recreate that original game, my masterpiece. I just cannot seem to get it quite right. You pair up all wrong, you end up dying off too early, too late, you don’t learn anything, you learn too much. And then there’s Minamimoto and how unpredictable he is. He’s either the perfect addition to the game, or he tries to kill me.”

“So that’s what you’re trying to do then? Recreate things, treat us like we’re pawns in your twisted game?” Shiki asks.

“Well of course. Every time you get it wrong, I wipe your memory, bring you back from erasure and we start from scratch.” And then, suddenly, the cocky façade falls away, it crumples as though his mask is made of ash. “The Angels have taken everything else from me. Even my beloved Conductor I couldn’t bring back. All I wanted to do was to spend time with my friends again.” His voice sounds so miserable, so broken, as though this boy has suffered for millennia. 

“Do you seriously expect us to feel sorry for you? After everything, after killing us? After…” Shiki starts to cry, her shoulders heaving.

“Oh dear, dear Shiki. I promise you, nothing will hurt, you won’t remember these feelings in just a few seconds.” Joshua taps her on the shoulder, looking at her with such sincerity, as though he really doesn’t realize just how very wrong this is. “You’re safe here, you can look however you want, be whoever you want, you don’t age, you don’t need to go to school, and even if you die, I can bring you back.”

“Do you think it makes a fucking difference?” Neku is finally up off his knees, face hiding in the collar of his shirt. “How…what did you… I trusted you!”

Joshua gives him a weak smile.

“And that is where we have to end things.” Joshua replies. “Believe me, Neku. I’ve lived this a thousand times. This conversation never gets any easier.”

Suddenly, my stomach lurches. Joshua brings his hand up.

“Open a portal, now.” I order and despite his shock, Axel is quick. He waves his hands, Joshua snaps his fingers, and as the portal opens, Axel yanks me back into the darkness as we watch a white light wash over the room. The portal slowly closes behind us, and before any light can leak in, it snaps shut, enclosing us safely in darkness.

In Axel’s arms, I am shaking. His fingernails bite through his gloves into the skin of my arms, clinging to me for dear life. I don’t know how long we stay like that, in the cover of the darkness. I don’t know how long I shake. I don’t know how long it takes before my body finally untenses. All I know is that I am thankful when we are finally tucked into his bed in Castle Oblivion, and sleep finally descends.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends, and welcome to what is roughly the half way point on this story. Crazy, huh? This is what I am going to refer to as the end of the first 'arc'. It seems so strange to me, for how many times I've started and deleted this story on my own laptop, that we've gotten this far! Like the first arc contained events from Kingdom Hearts and Chain of Memories, arc two will contain events from 358/2 Days and Kingdom Hearts 2. I am announcing NOW that there will be a sequel, and a prequel. The prequel will be a series of drabbles and the sequel will contain events from Dream Drop Distance and Kingdom Hearts 3 (how crazy that the release is less than two months away? I know!!). It is my ultimate goal to have this story finished or at least close to, by the release of Kingdom Hearts 3, and that we will end up with somewhere around 50 chapters for this. 
> 
> Anyhow, to do something a little special for you guys, I have cultivated a playlist for the end of this first arc, which will be at the end of the chapter, in the notes. Enjoy, read, review and a special thank you to everyone who has made it this far into this story. It is very special to me, and I hope you enjoy the many more adventures Rueki will take us on in the arc that begins after this chapter.

XXII.

Zexion twists a knife in my stomach. I wake up screaming.

My eyes fly open wide as I gasp desperately for breath, taking in the sight around me. The white bedroom, white sheets. Castle Oblivion. For a moment, panic sinks in deeper, but only a moment. Axel lurches awake as though he is on fire, green eyes wide as he looks to me. He turns fully toward me, instinctively wrapping his arms around me, like this is the only thing he know. The only way he is certain he can comfort me.

“Rueki, what’s wrong?” He crushes me to his chest as I catch my breath, easing into the warmth of his arms.

“It’s fine, it’s fine.” I push myself away from him, pinching my eyes shut. “I’m fine.”

I open my eyes.

“You wanna explain then why you woke up screaming bloody murder?” Axel rubs his eyes, and leans into the pillow.

“Shit dream.” I reply, climbing out of bed. I’m naked, but that’s more by necessity than for sexiness. We hit the bed without even touching each other last night, exhaustion and stress getting the best of us, but I decided quickly that my new, trendy outfit wouldn’t make for good pajamas. “I’m gonna go shower.”

“You wanna elaborate on this dream, sweetheart?” He asks.

“You wanna know a surefire way to kill a relationship, hun? Talking about dreams. It means the romance is dead and you’ve run out of real life topics to talk about.” I say with the wave of my hand.

“Oh don’t be such a bitch.” He sighs. “I know you’re upset, baby, I’m trying to help.”

And he’s right, I know he is. Also, I really am a sucker for him calling me ‘baby’.

“I don’t want to elaborate on the dream. I don’t want to think about it.” I say, finally, but I know Axel and I know he’s not going to let it die. So I pull out the big guns. “You still have secrets that I don’t know, I’m allowed to keep this one.”

Axel grabs my arm and quite literally yanks me back down into bed with him. I crash with an ‘oof’ and once his hand is off of me, I sit up, brushing myself off. Again, he starts to manhandle me and spins me around so that we’re sitting with our knees touching. With a sigh, I wrap my legs around his waist and set my hands on his chest.

“I guess you’re right.” He tells me, his eyes roaming my body as he brushes his fingertips across the new scar on my ribs. Those eyes grow sadder as his hands stray further down my body, finding purchase in the spot where he previously scarred me. An imprint of his fingertips lingers on my skin, branding me forever. I chew my lower lip. “Rueki, I’m just trying to…”

“I’m sorry. Thanks for calling me out on my attitude.” I cut him off quickly. His eyes come up to mine though his hand stays on my hip.

“Is this…better?” He asks and I smile, leaning in and brushing my lips across his.

“It is. Babe.” I reply, nose still touching his. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. 

“The dream wasn’t about anything I…” Axel sighs.

“No.” I shake my head. “It was about Zexion.” 

Axel is silent for a long moment before he sets his hands on either side of my face and kisses the top of my head.

“I’m sorry, Rueks.” He murmurs against my hair.

“Let’s talk about something else.” I shake my head. “How much more of this castle do we have to search for that super secret room?”

“What, you mean the chamber?” Axel asks, still so delightfully close to me. I feel like my heart has thoroughly thawed. “I searched right after I let Naminé go, figured it was a damn good way to not get found by Larxene and Marluxia.” 

“Speaking of everyone and everything that happened here…What about Sora, Donald and Goofy? What happened to them?” It’s not a question I want to ask or even want the answer to, necessarily. But I know that it will eat me up inside if I don’t know.

“They’re resting. Naminé’s got a conscience, despite it all. She’s probably restoring their memories as we speak.” He says.

“But how?” I ask, because that doesn’t seem easy.

“Beats me.” He shrugs.

“So you just don’t give a shit?” I ask.

“Rueki, come on.” He sighs.

“He was my friend, Axel, I want him to be okay!” I remind him.

“And he will be, Rueki. Naminé is gonna do what she can. She made that much clear when I set her free. And, regardless, she got Sora out of this castle, which means he’s away from the Organization. Your friend will be fine.” He assures me, but I still have my doubts. And I still wonder how much of his fate is entirely my fault.

“So then why are we back here?” I ask. Axel pulls away ever so slightly so that I can see him shrug. 

“Well here I was, trying to be romantic. Figured you might want to take some time away from the Organization together. You know, as an actual couple.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively but the kindness of the gesture is not lost on me. I do my best to repress my anxieties surrounding the Keyblade master. I cannot dwell on this, not when Axel comes first and I am finally getting a chance to enjoy my life with him.

“Are you putting me above your job?” I ask.

“I’m a great guy, Rueki. Don’t act so surprised.” He says. It dawns on me that we are completely alone in this castle and that it has been over a week since he has been inside of me, and that is completely unacceptable. Much as I want to talk to him, want to spend the morning laying in his arms and sharing stupid things with each other, there is a certain level of physical intimacy that I am absolutely burning for.

“So we’re supposed to be spending some time as a couple then?” I ask, grinning wickedly at him.

“That we are, sweetheart. Looks like you’re already dressed for the occasion.” He leans in to kiss my neck and I quickly freeze. Sure, we’ve definitely had early morning quickies with both of us not showered, me with prickly legs, both of us with unbrushed teeth. But being that it’s been a decent gap of time since our last romp, and things are now more official than they have everyone before… 

It just feels like…

“Can I take a moment to shower first?” I ask. He pulls up and looks at me. I half expect him to insist that it doesn’t matter, but he seems to understand, somewhere in his mind, why this is so important.

This is our rebirth.

“That’s not a bad idea.” He gets up out of bed. “Meet back here in a half hour?” He asks. I snort.

“Um, twenty minutes. Don’t keep me waiting, asshat.” I reply, climbing out of bed. He throws his head back, laughing and comes over to kiss my forehead once again.

“You’re fucking perfect, Rueks.”

“And don’t ever forget it.” I sprint off to my room and as quickly as possible, I shower and shave, trying to wash my hair and body as fast as humanly possible. When everything on me is sufficiently clean and smooth, I wrap a towel around myself, trying to brush out my hair with one hand while I brush my teeth with the other. I contemplate putting my hair up but, then I remember Axel saying something about me never wearing my hair down. My stubbornness wins out and I vow to refrain from ponytails for as long as possible. Still in my towel, I sprint back to Axel’s room, just in time to see him standing, stark naked, wiping hair gel off of his hands. “Did you seriously do your hair for this occasion?”

“Are you complaining?” He asks.

“Just fuck me.” I sprint across the room and throw myself into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist. He grasps my ass, fingers pressing into my skin as he pushes me into the wall.

Axel’s lips sear into mine, crashing, clashing, taking in as much of me as he possibly can, desperate not to miss a thing. I grab a handful of his hair, I have missed this. He takes my lower lip between his teeth and I moan wantonly, tossing my head back, allowing him full access to my mouth. With his tongue sliding against mine, I realize that he has not kissed me like this since we were last in Castle Oblivion. If I thought that the chaste pecks melted me, I was wrong. I am a puddle in his warm hands. 

He lifts his knee to support me, pressing me impossibly further into the wall as he grabs my towel and unwraps it. It falls from my body carelessly, with utter abandon. My breath hitches as I feel that same knee supporting me start to grind into my cunt. 

“What was that?” He teases, his lips grazing mine ever so slightly. I quiver against him. 

“Fuck you.” I breathe.

“Maybe if you’re lucky, sweetheart.” His licks my lips before his teeth find and nip at my earlobe. My nails rake down his scalp, his neck, his back. I feel the muscles in his shoulder blades rippling beneath my touch. He growls against my neck. 

Suddenly we’re on the bed, my legs still around his waist, him leaning over me. I’m disoriented, my stomach lurches, but he doesn’t skip a beat. His teeth drag across my neck and I gasp. 

“You teleported us.” I sputter and he grins against my skin.

“Very observant.” He chuckles, his hands sliding down the sides of my waist as his mouth moves in tandem. His tongue dips into the hollow of my collar bone, his lips graze the skin of my chest. He flicks his tongue against my nipple, circling slowly before he bites the tip. My back arches into his weight. With this new leverage, he grasps the small of my back and pulls me up further against him. I bend my knees, trying to find footing, but before I can, he grabs my calf and slides me down closer to him. Slowly, sensually, his thumb runs up the inside of my calf. Eyes locked onto mine, his teeth graze the bone on the inside of my ankle. 

That should not be as sexy as it is. 

But I watch with baited breath, as his teeth, his lips, his tongue trail up the inside of my calf, my knee, my thigh. His mouth gets dangerously close to my pussy, and just when I think I might find some relief, his tongue laps at my lips before he starts kissing the inside of my other thigh.

“Axel!” I whine, my hips bucking and twitching. His hands circle from my leg and back to my hips and he presses me into the mattress. “You’re such a dick.” 

He snickers as he licks at the lips of my cunt again, hand still wrapped firmly around my ankle. With another quick tug, he moves me so now my legs are wrapped around his shoulders. Every single muscle in my body tenses. He parts my lips to lick my clit, and a shiver shakes my body from head to toe.

I want to tell him that I’m content, I’m turned on enough, I just want to feel him inside of me. I want to tell him that there’s not another minute to waste, that I need to fuck him. I want to blush and act cute and embarrassed and tell him he doesn’t need to do this. But all cognitive thoughts fly out the window the second he starts to suck my clit. I become a puddle beneath him. Everything about his mouth is warm, wet, inviting and each and every touch is knowing. With every spasm of my belly or twitch in my hips, he knows exactly how to respond, how to flick his tongue, just the right amount of suction to apply. He looks up at me, assessing my expression, which is unabashed lust. I seriously forgot how good at this he is.

Teasingly, I feel his hand trail up my leg. With agonizing slowness, he dips two fingers into my pussy. I whine, swallowing hard as I clench the sheets. His lips are soft and his fingers are so teasing as they scissor and stretch inside of me. He draws ever so slightly away to brush his plush, lower lip across my overheated clit.

“Look at you.” His breath is hot and tantalizing as it ghosts across my skin. “So beautiful.” My shoulders shake with the effort to bite back a moan, to not just clench around him right there. With soft, deliberate movements, he licks lazily into me, the movement of his fingers never stopping, not even when I scream his name as my orgasm rips through my body.

I go limp, sweating and shaking, my face hot and flushed. Without allowing me a second to breathe, he has crawled up the bed and his hands catch my head as it falls, his nose pressed to mine.

“You are so perfect.” I whimper as he presses his lips down against mine. He draws my body close to his, the warmth and sweat of our bodies burning me up in the most delectable way possible.

“You are everything, Rueki.” The way he breathes my name could quite literally cause me to combust. I dig my nails into his shoulders and I pull him in, unsatisfied that I cannot feel him inside of me. Our bodies flush against one another, I grind my hips into his, feeling his erection pressing into my stomach.

“I can’t imagine a life without you.” We trade praises with ease, because these are safe words to say. I can tell him he means the world to me, I can tell him I’d die without him, I can speak everything short of…

I love you.

I silence the thoughts in my head by pressing my lips to his. With the leverage of my hands on his shoulders, I rock myself, angling my hips upward to brush the wetness of my cunt against his cock. He sighs and I watch a very satisfied smile spread across his lips. My heart swells with pride as I continue rubbing myself into him. He grins back in tandem, desperate to match my movements. The sweat on our bodies causes us to stick together, but we’re both so driven by need that we can’t stop. The head of his cock brushes my clit and we both clutch each other for dear life. 

“Axel…” I beg his name, all desperation and encouragement. He wastes no further time before he plunges in, fully sheathing himself inside of me. I cry out and his eyes roll back. I feel the muscles in his back clench with pleasure as he stills for just a moment. We pant, staring at one another. I touch his face with my hand, fingertips brushing along his cheek, his jaw. I lean up, my lips finding his. But that tenderness only lasts a moment, before his hips snap back and then slam against me. The breath is ripped straight from my lungs. A strangled noise spills from my lips as my entire body clenches I blissful anticipation. 

“Fuck.” He groans, rolling his shoulder back before his lips crash down onto mine. Axel is hungry, he devours me. Each and everyone of his thrusts is without hesitation, without caution. He throws any semblance of patience to the wind as he buries himself in me. 

We are dangerous, all teeth and nails, ragged breathing, dripping sweat. He scoops me up underneath him, pressing me so tight against him that I think, with all the eagerness of a virgin, that I can disappear into his touch.

This isn’t fucking, this isn’t friends with benefits. This isn’t going at it because we hate each other and want to shut one another up.

This is making love.

My toes curl, my breath catches in my throat and I dissolve beneath him. I moan, jaggedly, as the utter beauty of this moment, coupled with the depraved pounding of him inside me, sends me over the edge. 

Axel follows quickly behind me, his entire body stilling before sputtering, hips jerking and spasming as he comes inside me.

“Dammit Rueki.” He breathes, lowering me completely to the bed, where he sets his head down on my chest. 

“That was fantastic.” I admit, the muscles in my body uncurling. “Can we just stay here forever?”

“Now there’s an idea.” He chuckles against my skin.

“It would be nice though. No missions, no meetings.” I toy with his hair, absently.

“Are you trying to say that you low key don’t want to see any other members of the Organization?” I can see the grin lingering at the corner of his lip.

“Guilty as charged.” I confess.

“Oh come on, you’re not missing Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum?” Axel laughs. I furrow my brow and he heaves a sigh, coming up off of me to shake his head. “Luxord and Demyx.”

“Yeah, they’re okay.” I wave my hand, but truly, I do miss them. My allies. I doubt they feel the same nostalgia, but at this point, that doesn’t really matter to me. It doesn’t matter what’s in their heart, any of their hearts, or lack thereof. It matters what is in mine. “But you know what would be better than going back and seeing them? Defiling every damn room in this Castle like we should’ve in the first place.”

Axel wastes no time, wrapping his arms around me. I feel the same gut wrenching sensation as before. He teleports us to the library floor.

“I think you might just have one hell of an idea there.” He grins.

\--

By the time we make it into Twilight Town, every ounce of my body is sore and it hurts to walk. Yet, somehow, I feel empty without Axel inside of me, though, as he leans into me, I am quite aware that this time is not another ‘one last time’.

This time is a very beautiful new beginning.

It is there, standing in the middle of an orange, brick street, that I see a black trench coat with a tuft of spikey blonde hair. Even from the back, I know who it is.

“Hey!” I call, taking a few steps forward. The kid snaps around. “Roxas!” His big blue eyes go wide. Axel swoops in beside me, wrapping an arm around my waist

“It’s been a while.” Axel grins at the boy as we walk over. Roxas closes the distance between us taking off into a sprint, a smile lighting up his face like stars in the sky. He looks over us, raising a hand as though he wants to reach out and grab each of us, to make sure that we are real. “What’s the matter, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

The teasing seems to throw Roxas back because he blinks at us, confused, like a cartoon character. I almost forgot how much like a zombie he was.

“Axel…Rueki… I heard everyone at Castle Oblivion was annihilated.” He breathes.

“Not me, I’m tough.” Axel shrugs. I squirm out from under him and punch his arm. 

“Tough my ass. You wouldn’t have made it if I wasn’t babysitting you half the damn time.” I say, with the wave of my hand.

“You guys had me worried.” Roxas admonishes and suddenly, I freeze. A smile creeps across my face as I turn to stare into his blue eyes. For the first time, he doesn’t just look like Sora, he reminds me of Sora. Everything from the set of his jaw to the furrow in his brow.

“Worry?” Axel asks. “We Nobodies don’t have the hearts to worry.” He insists, but I don’t give a quarter of a shit. I turn to Roxas and throw my arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. I draw the kid close to me, trying to bury the worries I have for Sora’s future inside this boy. It’s not fair, but at the very least Roxas doesn’t have the heart to wonder about my affections. 

When I pull away, he is looking at me with saucers as eyes, and even Axel has his head tilted in utter confusion. I ruffle Roxas’ hair. 

“How about you go and grab some ice cream, the three of us can meet at the Clock Tower.” I smile. Roxas nods and matches my smile before he takes off toward the Ice Cream Shop. I go to take Axel’s hand and lead him out toward the Clock Tower, but he remains stationary, and instead of dragging him along, I lose my balance and tumble back into him. “Dude.” I say.

“Any reason you attempted to molest Roxas?” Axel raises an eyebrow. 

“Are you jealous?” Is the reply I offer, a smirk curling on my lips.

“Why the hell would I be jealous of some teenager when I can still taste you on my tongue?” Axel breathes, lips brushing the shell of my ear. A shiver ripples across my body and I tighten my hand around his.

“It’s Sora.” I confess. “I…I can’t help him anymore so…” Oh damn, I was not prepared for being this choked up, but I am. My throat constricts and feels damp, I chomp the inside of my cheek to keep from whining. Fuck me, when did I become such a damn crybaby? 

Axel’s brown knits together and he sighs, wrapping his arms around me. Here, pressed against his chest, I feel safe, I feel at home.

“I haven’t…I haven’t ruined you, have I?” He chokes out and I can genuinely tell that if he had the heart he would be worried.

It’s a fair question, one I don’t even know the answer to. To be honest, I don’t even want to think about the answer. Instead, I lean up on my toes and blow a raspberry on his cheek before taking off toward the clock tower in a full sprint.

Roxas does meet us up there, but not before Axel has lifted me into his arms and has pressed me into the Clock Tower, his lips on my neck. My boyfriend all but drops me on my ass at the teenager’s arrival, but I land on my feet pretty decently, and in no time, it feels like old times. The three of us sitting there, eating ice cream. The warmth of Axel’s presence puts me at ease, and whether he speaks or not, there’s something about Roxas that is infinitely more alive, more human. I wonder if that means he’s starting to get memories back from when he had a heart and then wonder again, with a twist in my stomach what that might mean for Sora.

“After this I’ll have to check in with the boss, or he’s gonna let me have it.” Axel sighs. And I hear the implications behind that: he is checking in with Xemnas, not me. 

“You haven’t reported back yet?” Roxas asks.

“Hm? No.” Axel shrugs, all nonchalance. 

“You should consider yourself lucky, kid. You’re top priority.” I remind Roxas, who just smiles, as though he doesn’t completely get the joke, but he’s now sentient enough to appreciate the sentiment. 

“Why’d you guys come here then?” Roxas asks.

“I guess just to talk, to spend time together.” Axel puts an arm around my shoulder which still makes my stomach backflip. 

“Don’t be nauseating.” I tease him.

“Oh, you love it.” He kisses my cheek and I laugh.

“Yeah, but this isn’t going to make anyone think you’re tough.” I remind him.

“You two are smiling a lot more than normal.” Roxas observes. “Usually you just yell at each other.” And he’s not totally wrong, I guess I wouldn’t expect someone who doesn’t have a heart or emotions to process the finer details of a relationship.

“Well, we’re together now.” Axel says. 

“Together?” Roxas asks, and I can tell his is not comprehending what that means.

“It’s…we’re…” Axel rubs the back of his neck. Oh my poor, precious man. He’s hopeless.

“We’re dating. We’re in a relationship. It’s like being friends, only I get to harass him more.” I grin.

“Oh please, she’s only in this because she wants to kiss me.” And fuck him senseless. 

“Why would you want to do that?” Roxas wrinkles his nose.

“Even I don’t know the answer to that one, kid.” I grin.

“Is anyone else in the Organization ‘in a relationship’?” He asks, Axel snorts.

“I can promise you that they’re not. This whole thing is complicated enough. Usually it takes both parties having a heart. But you know Rueki, she’s emotional enough for both of us.” Axel says with the wave of his hand. I roll my eyes.

“You two boys better stop asking dumb questions and saying dumb shit. Your ice cream is melting.” I remind them. Roxas takes a bite of his ice cream and then his eyes light up.

“You know, while you guys were gone, I started inviting Xion up here!” He informs us, with all the excitement of a young child. I have sufficiently forgotten who the real life fuck Xion is, but his enthusiasm has me smiling, stupidly. 

“Xion?” Axel raises an eyebrow and then it dawns on me. Xion. The girl, the one who always has her face hidden beneath her hood, the other one with the Keyblade. Huh. Birds of a feather, I suppose.

“Yeah, I made her a promise the four of us could get ice cream when you got back. Xion…she’s my friend too.” I don’t know where Roxas even learned what friends are, but I don’t care. In this moment, this is enough.

The moment doesn’t last forever though, before I know it, the ice cream is gone and Axel and I are standing in front of the way too big double doors to the meeting room in The Castle That Never Was.

“I’ll meet you in my room.” Axel says and I wrinkle my nose.

“Are you seriously trying to hide stuff from me?” I ask.

“Rueki…” Axel sighs. “I’m going to get reamed out, is that really something you want to be there for?”

“Not particularly.” I mutter. 

“And don’t you think it might be better for me to break the news to them that you’re alive while you’re safely out of the picture? I doubt they’ll take too kindly to me saying that I didn’t kill you. Give me a chance to change their minds first, alright?” He is so delightfully persuasive, if I wasn’t such a pain in the ass, he’d be able to get away with anything.

“I hate when you’re right.” I sigh. “Are you sure there’s no other reason you don’t want me in there with you?”

“There’s a question I need answers to.” He mutters. “And yeah, you’re right, I don’t want you in there when I find out what information Saix and Lord Xemnas have.” 

“Does this have something to do with the secret you found out about me in Shibuya?” I ask. Axel heaves the mightiest of sighs.

“Dammit. Yes.” And I want to pry. I want to stomp on his foot and shout at him and tell him that if he doesn’t tell me this secret that we’re done. But I see the strain on his face, the furrow of his brow, and I know how much he is giving me. He clearly didn’t even want to give me what little information that he has, but he also didn’t lie. Because he cares. Because he wants to be with me, because this is worth it. I sigh and close the distance between us, setting my hands on his waist and leaning up to kiss him.

Maybe I can compromise too.

“Okay. Don’t keep me waiting long.” And with that, I leave him, striding off down the hall, though I have no intentions of waiting at all. Instead, I make my way to the lounge type area and instantly breathe a sigh of relief when I see Demyx and Luxord, alone, locked in a game of what appears to be Poker. “Miss me, boys?” 

They both look up and to me, at the very least half interested.

“Oh hey.” Demyx says, though without the excitement I was hoping for. 

“I must say, love, no one expected you to make it out of Oblivion alive, let alone looking absolutely fantastic.” The way Luxord’s eyes roam me make me shift with equal parts discomfort and pride.

“Yeah, Lord Xemnas told us everyone died.” Demyx nods.

“Welp, not Axel and I.” I say, striding into the room. 

“The two of you made it out together?” Luxord asks. “Even I bet on the two of you killing each other.”

“Thanks.” I roll my eyes. “We’re back together, actually. And like, officially this time.” 

“Well that is quite backward.” Luxord mutters, returning to his hand of cards. “You are aware that he still does not have a heart, correct?”

“I mean, how does that even work? You can’t be in a real relationship if he doesn’t have a heart. You guys are just having sex with titles.” Demyx waves his hand.

“Yeah, I definitely called him my boyfriend when he bent me over your bed fifteen minutes ago.” I offer up the bitchiest smile I can manage. Shiki reacted to this news a lot more satisfactorily. 

“It appears we’ve struck a nerve. Forgive us, doll, for forgetting how to handle someone with a heart.” Luxord grins. “Though I do take pleasure in such a savage burn, as the kids these days are saying.”

“Oh come on.” Demyx sighs. “I thought all of the bullies in this Organization were finally gone.” 

“I think what dear Rueki wants to hear is that it’s quite lovely to see her and that we are glad to have her and VIII back.” Luxord says.

“You know, it sound a lot more sincere when you actually pretend that you give a shit.” I remind him.

“The best bluff is a believable one.” Is his simple reply. I sit down on the couch beside them.

“So tell us about Oblivion. What was it like?” Demyx asks.

“Boring. Annoying. It’s so damn big and built like a maze, I couldn’t find the same room twice so I got to visit the shoebox of a library all of once. Vexen tried showboating so Marluxia put him in his place. Which pissed Vexen off so he pissed Marluxia off in turn by revealing secrets about the Organization to Sora and had to be eliminated.” No need to tell them it was Axel who ended IV in the end.

“That Vexen was always a prideful one.” Luxord nods. “Unsurprising that he wanted to get a leg up on his inferior, so to speak.”

“Not that Marluxia is much better. He underestimated everyone around him. Turns out he and Larxene wanted to overthrow the Organization, and their heads got too big. They wanted to use Sora and by underestimating him, they pissed him off enough to meet their demise.” I sigh. “I’ve never seen a kid look so pissed off.”

“Hey, I’d say we’re better off without them.” Demyx shrugs.

“Axel and I faked our death to get away from his wrath. And Lexaeus managed to piss Riku off in some type of way, I don’t really know, but he didn’t make it.” I shrug.

“And what of Zexion?” Luxord asks. My stomach feels like it has fallen out of my ass. I bite the inside of my cheek.

“I don’t know. The same thing as Lexaeus, probably.” And then quickly, because I know it will cause a scene and distract them “I called Larxene a cunt.”

Demyx looks at me as though the sun rises and sets with my very presence.

“Like, to her face?” He asks. I nod.

“Quite brave. And foolish. How many new injuries did you sustain?” Luxord asks.

“Eh, nothing a potion couldn’t heal.” I say. Demyx is still looking at me like I am some type of goddess.

“Are you currently accepting marriage proposals?” He asks.

“Not at the moment, she isn’t.” I hear Axel’s voice behind me and turn to see him and Roxas standing behind the couch.

“Oh, hey.” I grin. “Weren’t you supposed to be ‘in a meeting’?” 

“There’s always tomorrow. Roxas over here intercepted me, wanted to see what you were up to. You know, you’re not great at listening to directions.” He tells me. “Didn’t I ask you to meet me in my room?”

“Yeah, you did. But you’re right, I’m shit at taking direction.” I agree. He sighs, scooping me up into his arms, bridal style. I throw my head back, laughing. “You wouldn’t have me any other way.” I insist.

“Ahh yes, you must feel delightfully whipped now.” Luxord leers at him.

“Say what you want, Luxy. I’m getting laid, which is more than either of you can say.” Axel grins, seeming to forget that Roxas is even in the room. The kid doesn’t take his time though in reminding Axel that he exists.

“What is getting laid?” 

This time, Axel does drop me on my ass, coughing so hard, like he inhaled water. But I don’t give a shit. I landed roughly on the marble floor.

“What the fuck, man?” I cry out. “I literally just died like four days ago!”

“You came back to life!” He reminds me, tapping on his chest with a closed fist, trying to clear his throat.

“Wait, what?” Demyx asks.

“It’s a long story.” I shake my head. “It’s pretty boring actually.”

“Somehow I doubt that.” Luxord replies.

“It’s the story of how we decided to become a couple, would you like to hear all about it?” Axel asks, when he finally catches his breath.

“I suppose I stand corrected.” Luxord grins. Roxas shakes his head.

“I have no idea what’s happening anymore.

“Me either, kid.” Demyx says. “Me either.”

It’s there, sitting on the floor, laughing my ass off, that I start to realize how right this feels. All things considered, despite no one here having a heart. I remember lying to Sora in Castle Oblivion, trying to play the bad guy, telling him that I found somewhere that I belonged, people I belonged with. It had been a crock of shit at the time, but now?

I don’t care what it says about me.

I belong here.

This is my home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist for arc one (songs marked as (A) are from Axel's point of view, (R) from Rueki's and if they are unmarked, they work for both or either)
> 
> 1\. Here Is Gone- The Goo Goo Dolls  
> 2\. Youngblood- 5 Seconds of Summer (A)  
> 3\. Hundred- The Fray (R)  
> 4\. Fall For You- Secondhand Serenade  
> 5\. E.T.- Katy Perry ft. Kanye West (R)  
> 6\. First- Cold War Kids (R)  
> 7\. All These Things That I've Done- The Killers (A)  
> 8\. Alone Together- Fallout Boy (R)  
> 9\. The Chain- Fleetwood Mac (R)  
> 10\. Simple and Clean- Utada Hikaru


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Original drafts of this story included me completely skipping over 358/2 Days, since no one even remembers Xion at the end of the game anyway. But then I was like 'ugh, gotta develop the relationships between characters'.

XXIII.

The first of several sunlit days is not darkened in the slightest, even by the cloud that is Saix’s presence.

“Why didn’t you report in?” He doesn’t even bother to knock, which is awfully presumptuous, as Axel and I are completely naked underneath the blankets. “And what is that?” He gestures at me as though I’m a strange abscess on the side of Axel’s face that would best be looked over by a doctor. 

“I told you we should’ve just stayed in Oblivion.” I roll my eyes. Axel holds a finger up, telling me that I probably should stay quiet, and of course he’s right. I realize right then and there that he didn’t say a single word to Saix or Xemnas yesterday. Demyx, Luxord, Roxas and Axel know I’m alive. As quickly as gossip seems to spread amongst Nobodies, I doubt it has spread this quickly. 

Fuck. 

I chomp down on my lower lip and wrap the blanket a little tighter around my torso.

“You know, she does have preferred pronouns.” Axel says, I bite back a smirk.

I love this man. 

“So clearly you feel that you are exempt from fulfilling your duties to the Organization?” Saix’s eyes regard me coldly, as though he is hoping he can pierce straight through me with just a gaze. Axel doesn’t even flinch though. He is all bravado and wild hand gestures and everything I could hope for in this situation.

“Or maybe I’m just thinking of the bigger picture. Rueki over here wants to be nothing but loyal to our cause and help us out. In fact, she knows exactly why we had to eliminate the traitors inside of Oblivion.” The look in Axel’s eyes is deadly, smart. For a moment, dread touches Saix’s features, but it is quickly replaced by the look of pure hatred. “Everything that I know, Rueki knows. We wouldn’t want anything bad to her when she clearly serves a purpose, hmm?” 

Saix knows I know about his plan to overthrow Xemnas. I don’t know whether this is brilliant or terrible, but I guess I have no choice but to trust Axel.

“If you feel a desperate need to let her lead to your demise, once again, be my guest.” He hisses and I flinch. How did he know about me being the reason Axel lost his heart? Has Axel known this whole time? Was that story just a ruse to keep me at bay while he harbored whatever other deeper secrets he discovered? Or has Saix known the truth this entire time and withheld it from his friend?

“What, not even one little word of appreciation?” Axel teases. “We played our parts spectacularly.”

“The only thing I’ve heard is that Naminé has gone missing.” Saix says. “Clearly, you felt it more prudent to waste your time watching over a useless cause.”

I have to literally bite down on the inside of my cheek to keep from firing off at Saix. I taste blood.

“There one minute, gone the next. I don’t know how she got out.” Axel replies, with a dismissive shrug. Saix scoffs and rolls his eyes. How these two can even call themselves friends, I do not know. Unless they are much different with one another when I am not around. I certainly wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who acted like this to me.

“Did you search every room?” Saix continues.

“Are you kidding? You know as well as I do that searching through every room there is impossible.” Axel says, waving his hand.

“She knows everything?” Saix mutters, this time a little more cautiously.

“She’s smart. What she didn’t figure out from me, she found out from others.” Axel says and it takes a moment for me to realize that he’s talking about me.

“Of course. You certainly aren’t blinded by your obsession with having a heart, to the point where you’re willing to pretend with this girl.” Saix’s voice is so utterly dry that even my best efforts do not keep me quiet.

“I’m right here, you could both at least pretend I’m in the room while you talk about me.” I snap. Axel puts an arm up in front of me, his eyes still locked on Saix. Saix scowls at me then looks outside to the moon. I turn to look and realize that the heart shape of it is not quite full. 

“And the chamber?” He asks, quickly changing the subject. “Did you find it?”

“Come on, I would’ve told you that much.” Axel rolls his eyes. “I’ve gotta hand it to you… About Marluxia being one of the traitors. You knew exactly what was up from the start.” 

My blood grows cold as I realize that it was Saix who assembled the group for Castle Oblivion. It was Saix who picked out the traitors, it was Saix who made Axel his mole, it was Saix who made sure to send some of the senior members that he wanted eliminated, getting him that much closer to the top…

Which means it had nothing to do with Xemnas. It was Saix who wanted me dead.

My hands start to shake as I ball them in fists under the blankets.

I’m overreacting, I tell myself. It could have been an order for Xemnas, Saix might have wanted nothing to do with this, he might’ve just been trying to climb his way to the top. But if he did want me dead, it begs the question—what more does he know about me, that he isn’t telling anyone?

“Hm.” Is his reply. “I merely rounded up and sent off the ones who were getting in the way.” Me. Me. Me. Me.

“Whoa there!” Axel laughs, as though this is all some hilarious joke. “Was I one of the ones you wanted to erase?”

Saix looks from me to Axel and then replies “good to see you made it back safe.” 

You as in him, and certainly not me.

“Rueki knows about Zexion by the way. She was there when I disposed of him.” Axel says and suddenly Saix flinches. 

Without another word, he opens a portal and is gone from the room.

“What the fuck?” I snap, clambering out of bed. I must not reach around and punch my boyfriend in the face. My back is to him while my hands ball into fists, my fingernails biting into my palms in a desperate attempt to show some restraint.

“Just letting him know I moved things along the way he wanted…for now.” Axel replied and I turn on him, eyes burning.

“So you felt like you should implicate me in Zexion’s murder?” I snap, my throat tightening. Fuck. I didn’t plan for tears to start forming, with the effort I am making.

“Come on Rueki, its’ not like I told him you’re the one who did it.” Is what he says immediately, and he closes the distance between us to wipe my eyes. I smack his hand away. “Don’t cry.” 

“I’m not crying cuz I’m sad, I’m crying cuz I want to kill you, and that’s illegal!” I spin away, stomping off to the bathroom. I throw the door shut behind me and lean into it, taking a deep breath as I lock it. I feel Axel behind me, twisting at the nob.

“You know I can teleport in there at any time.” He reminds me.

“You know there’s a razor in here and I’m not above cutting you.” Yes I am, but I guess verbal threats are a step above smacking him. Maybe I’m maturing a little.

“Would you stop being dramatic and think for a minute?” I’m about to fire back a shitty comment, but he’s smart, he talks quick and stops me easily. “He knows that you know about our plan. I told him you watched Zexion die, not that you had any hand in it, as far as he’s aware, you’re innocent, Rueki. And now, he’s gonna be on our side. He’ll go to Xemnas and plead your case for us, because he won’t want your running your mouth and exposing our plans to the Superior, got it memorized?” 

Fuck. He’s right. That is actually a damn good idea. I’m willing to bet Saix has infinitely more pull with the Superior than Axel or I might have. I heave a sigh and unlock the door before untwisting the nob and letting him in. I turn to face him and he catches my head in his hands. 

“You could’ve let me in on this plan earlier.” I say.

“When? He appeared in the room out of nowhere.” Axel’s hands slide down to rub the top of my arms. This man has the patience of a saint when he is getting laid, I swear. I sigh, leaning my head into his chest.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just…” I shake my head. “Maybe one day I’ll be less of a bitch, but for now you’ll just have to deal with me apologizing every time I fuck up.” 

“Can I get it in writing that you’ll actually apologize?” He laughs. I roll my eyes.

“How about I just suck your dick instead?” I offer.

“That, I will never say no to.”

\--

 

Saix quite literally throws a coat and a notebook at me the second Axel and I step into the main room to receive a mission. Despite having just gotten back from Oblivion, there is no rest for the wicked. With an ‘oof’ I catch everything in my hands and stare at VII with an eyebrow lifted.

“Lord Xemnas has agreed that we can find some way for you to serve a purpose for us, if you are so very intent on lingering in this world.” He tells me. I snort.

“Yes, of course. Because I was the one so insistent on ‘oh Rueki, you can never leave, you know too much’.” I roll my eyes. 

“C’mon sweetheart.” Axel sighs, putting an arm around me. “The man’s just doing his job.” I am well aware of this fact, but I haven’t forgotten how Saix regarded me just a few hours ago. And, well, every time he sees me.

“Your insubordinate tendencies aside, it has been resolved that if you are going to make yourself a fixture in this Organization, you will be required to wear the coat on missions.” Saix informs me.

“Seriously?” I huff.

“Have I been known to joke with you? Should I say ‘haha’? Would that make you feel better?” Oh wow, he can go fuck himself. I twitch and Axel’s grip on the upper part of my arm tightens, he knows me all too well.

“Fine. Whatever. Why the hell do I need a notebook though?” I ask.

“We encourage new members to keep track of their missions and their daily life in a journal.” He says.

“Right, of course. Because it’s very safe of me to write my thoughts in here.” I nod.

“No one will be snooping through your journal, although I doubt you have the mouth control to hold back any simple thought that crosses your mind in the first place.” Ouch, well, he is certainly not wrong. “Alternatively, being that you will be carrying out tasks like a member, you will be expected to complete missions with those other than Axel as well.” I make a face as he hands me a note card. I don’t even take a second to read it, before a nasal voice sounds off and a hand claps me on the shoulder.

“Ready to clear out some Heartless, partner?” Demyx grins.

\--

The next two days are spent beating Heartless around with Demyx, having ice cream with Roxas and Axel, crawling into bed with Axel and willing the night to never end. 

By the end of the third day, I whine at Demyx until he opens up a portal to the clock tower in Twilight town, and with my coat slung over my arm, I make my way through to see—

“No way…” Roxas, Naminé and Axel sit at the Clock Tower, all with bars of ice cream at hand. I feel like my breath has been ripped straight from my lungs, I nearly stumble back into the darkness.

“Watch yourself there sweetheart.” Axel grins at me. “I’m not chasing you through the darkness.”

“When did you plan to tell me that she…That you..” I choke out before Roxas turns to me, a big grin on his face. 

“Rueki, we found Xion!” But that is certainly not Xion. The fair, wispy blonde hair, the soft eyes, the porcelain skin. I spent enough time with Naminé to know what she looks like. If memory serves me right though, I had only ever seen Xion with her hood up, obscuring her face. Could it be that Xion bares a striking resemblance to the witch? And if so, it raises the question, who’s Nobody is Xion.

“Rueki, it’s nice to meet you.” Not Naminé says to me, though in a voice so similarly breathy and soft that I can scarcely tell the difference.

“Um…yeah.” Is my really intelligent answer, and for a second, I am glad she doesn’t have a heart—there are no feelings to hurt. “Did you happen to notice…” I begin, staring at Axel with an arched eyebrow. He heaves a sigh and grabs my hand, yanking me down to sit beside him.

“Mind your manners, Rueks.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“And yes, of course I did.” He sighs.

“Notice what?” Roxas asks, eyes bright and inquisitive and damn, if he doesn’t look like Sora.

“Xion looks like someone we know.” I blurt, unable to help myself. I don’t know what kind of hold this kid suddenly has over me, but I’m assuming it’s the guilt. I chastise myself mentally before Axel can even shoot me an irritated look.

“From Rueki’s home world, right, sweetheart?” He pats my shoulder in a way that is a lot more dominating than not. Not that I especially mind. In fact, to prove a point, I lean in and wrap an arm around his waist.

“Yep, my friend Amaya.” And suddenly, I’m visualizing Xion with short, choppy black hair, instead of blonde. I blink, utterly thrown off my guard, but sure enough, when I steal another glance at her, she looks just like Naminé again.

“Right, you’re from a different world.” And Roxas genuinely seems to comprehend it this time, nodding his head before taking a bite of his ice cream. I wonder what it was that Axel and I missed while we were gone, but my heart is warmed by the sheer fact that this kid, has turned into an actual person while I was gone.

“You’re not a Nobody?” Xion asks, leaning past Roxas to look at me. I shake my head.

“Nope.” I confess.

“She’s just a pain in the ass.” Axel says, leaning over to kiss my cheek. I smirk.

“He’s not wrong.” I agree. “So, what else did I miss.”

“I can’t use my Keyblade anymore.” Xion confesses, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “But it’s alright, Axel suggested Roxas and I go on missions together. He’s going to work twice as hard until I can remember how to summon my Keyblade again.” And the way she looks at Roxas nearly takes my breath away. Her eyes become flooded with warmth, like the sunset baring down on the ocean. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was young love. Perhaps it is gratitude. Maybe Nobodies can feel that. “I just can’t believe that someone would be willing to do this for me.” She beams at Roxas. He grins back at her.

“Of course I would.” He nods, all enthusiasm and heroics.

“Friends need to lean on each other every now and then.” Axel informs her. “Ain’t that right Rueki?” I want to tell him that I don’t know, all of my friends in the past have sucked, but then I begin to realize, that isn’t totally true. Maybe Del and Amaya and I didn’t mesh the way I wanted us to, but there had to have been friends in my past, from before I have memories. And then, there’s Sora, Demyx, Luxord, Neku, Shiki, Naminé…

Axel.

“Well yeah, but since when did you become Captain Sappy?” I ask him.

“Hey.” He laughs. Roxas laughs too and even Xion looks to be biting back a giggle.

“If Roxas and I are friends…does that mean I’m friends with you too, Axel, Rueki?” Xion asks, and maybe I’m the one who has become a sap. Watching this Naminé look alike smile, laugh, seeing her entire being light up, I cannot deny her.

“Of course.” I smile.

“Well if you’re friends with Roxas and Rueki, then yeah, of course you’re my friend.” I can tell from the shifting of his weight that this makes Axel at least slightly uncomfortable, and to be honest, I feel the same. Going from having only a few friends, friends who I didn’t particularly value, to throwing the term around like it is nothing feels quite foreign. But my caution and cynicism have gotten me nowhere. Axel makes me happy, I want to be happy now. And looking at these kids, with blue ice cream and even bluer eyes, I think this is my shot.

I think it’s our shot.

“Thank you…Roxas, Axel, Rueki…” Xion breathes, staring out into the sun.

“Just eat your ice cream.” I say with the wave of my hand.

\--

“Little Rueki.” Xigbar cackles as we hack through a strange forest with talking flowers and a purple cat. I don’t know why Axel begged me trade places with him in missions today, truly I don’t. Why anyone would choose fighting the Heartless at the base of the Castle over going to another world is beyond me, but I don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. “You ever heard the phrase, the world works in mysterious ways?” He asks me.

“Of course.” I wrinkle my nose, unsure of what he’s getting at, as I peer behind a bush. “I think there’s an entrance over here.” I say.

“Not the one we want, kiddo.” He waves a hand at me, and I’m not sure how he knows this isn’t the entrance that will get us back to the room with the talking door knob, but I take his word for it. I huff a sigh and chase after him. “Well, I’d have to tell you, the world is awfully mysterious right now, bringing you back to all of us.” I assume he’s referring to Castle Oblivion and for a moment, my heart skips a beat. Is he going to kill me out here? “I mean damn, I remember when you were this big.” He holds his hand to about hip level.

“You knew me when I was a kid.” I realize, eyes going wide. He throws his head back laughing.

“Bingo, kiddo. I knew your mom and dad too, before they died. Your mom was a tough son of a bitch, not surprised you turned out well, to be a thorn in our great and powerful Superior’s side.” He says, turning to me with a predatory grin. My insides freeze, I brandish Survivor.

“If you think you’re going to kill me then—”

“Whoa, kiddo, slow your roll.” He snorts. “Don’t you think if I was going to do that, I’d have done that when you had your head shoved into those bushes? Nah, I was just reminiscing on the days back when I worked with your dear mom and dad.”

“Why hasn’t anyone tried to kill me? I know Axel was supposed to, I know Xemnas wants me dead. And instead, I get a coat and a fucking journal?” I shake my head, setting my hands on my hips. 

“Shouldn’t you be asking your boyfriend that?” He asks me. “Or is he still the king of keeping secrets?” 

“I want to hear it from you. You’re II.” I remind him.

“That I am.” He agrees. “But I can’t tell you. All I can say is that the noose has been untied from your neck, you’re off the hook. It’s top secret information, need to know only and you, little Rueki, don’t need to know.” He says, flatly. What a fucking prick.

“It’s my life.” I insist.

“Ha! What a look. You know, you may not have any memories from when you were a kid, but you don’t need to. You’re exactly the same as you were back then.”

\--

“I am never going on a mission with Xigbar again.” I sigh, sitting down at the clock tower, between Axel and Roxas, with Xion on the opposite side of Roxas.

“Why?” Roxas asks. “He didn’t seem that bad when I went on a mission with him.” 

“You’ve never been to Wonderland with him.” Axel cracks a grin.

“Upside down one minute, on the table the next. He has no sense of respect, by the way. I told him to stop fucking shift the planes we were on. He just laughed. Then I puked. Then he laughed harder.” I say, before noticing that Axel, much to my annoyance, is completely dry. “Did you even help Demyx with the Heartless?” 

“Dem owes me one. I cashed in. Spent the day catching up on all of the paperwork I still needed to do from Oblivion.” Axel says, handing me a bar of ice cream. “I swear, my hand was starting to cramp up.” Poor baby. 

“So you thought it’d be nice to leave your damn girlfriend to do your dirty work?” I ask and suddenly, I watch a panic flash through his eyes.

“Rueki, I’m sorry…” He starts, and I understand instantly where I went wrong. I wrap my arm around him and kiss his jawline.

“No, don’t.” I urge. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry.” He pulls me in tighter and I sigh into his warmth.

“You two seem a lot different now.” Roxas says. “Is that what happens, now that you’re dating?”

“Kind of.” I shrug, not wanting to tell the kid that this is what happens when you go through hell and back with a person, and ultimately decide that above all things, they need to come first. I look up to Axel, whose eyes are alight as he looks at me.

“Is that what you mean by saying you’re his girlfriend?” Xion asks me. 

“That’s right.” Axel nods, answering for me.

“So that’s different than friends and best friends, right?” Xion asks.

“Very.” I agree. 

“I still don’t understand how.” Roxas confesses.

“You know, me either.” Axel laughs.

“Lucky you, my heart is big enough for the both of us.” I take a bite out of my ice cream.

“Do you need to have a heart to be someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend?” Xion asks. I frown.

“Typically. If you’re dating someone, usually it’s…” I squirm with discomfort, at knowing that Axel is going to hear me say the words to follow. “It’s because you want to see if they’re a good match for you. You want to see if they understand your heart and you understand theirs. If they don’t, then you break up. Sometimes you stay friends, sometimes, someone’s heart gets hurt and you don’t.”

“And what happens if they do understand your heart?” Roxas asks, staring at me intently. I don’t know whether he or Axel have got me more uncomfortable, but Xion’s softly inquisitive glance is the only thing that brings me comfort.

“Then you stay together. As long as you can. You share everything in your heart and life with that person. You give parts of yourself to them that only they can have, share secrets that only they can know. You fall in love.” I take a breath. 

“But, without a heart…” Roxas begins.

“You have to have a very large amount of patience.” Is all I offer. “So, what’s the deal with this whole ‘best friends’ talk?”

\--

Xemnas holds a meeting to talk about the moon.

I wish I was joking. 

Saix looks at me quite smugly and I contemplate punching him in the face. I think Axel senses this, because he keeps his fingers tightly laced the entire time. Still, I want to know what Saix is so very smug about.

\--

“All this fighting,” Roxas sighs. “I wonder what it’s for.” 

“Come on, you know what it’s for!” Axel insists. “We have to complete the great Kingdom Hearts. You saw it too, didn’t you?”

“So hey, stupid question here. But what actually is Kingdom Hearts?” I ask.

“It’s the gathering place of hearts…” Xion says so confidently, and then “isn’t it?” The girl is a lot like Naminé, not just in looks but in her very demeanor as well. Still, if this actually were Naminé in disguise, I feel as though Axel would’ve mentioned something by now.

“It’s where all the hearts wind up after they’re released by our resident Keybearers. When we gather enough, we might finally get hearts of our own.” Axel smiles, so very tantalized by this idea, but something stands out that bothers me beyond compare.

“Might?” I ask.

“Is Kingdom Hearts really that important?” Roxas asks.

“Are you crazy?” Axel cackles, as though Roxas’ very idea is halfcocked. 

“No, I agree with the kid. This is a hell of a lot to do for someone who ‘might’ give you a heart back.” I insist. Axel sighs.

“Might is better than what we can do on our own, as Nobodies. No one else has come up with any better idea.” Axel says. “I’m willing to take any chance I can get.”

“That’s so stupid.” I shake my head.

“Do you really want to get into this, in front of the kids?” Axel asks me.

“Yes!” I snap. “Going in blindly? If you’re not even guaranteed a heart, if we don’t even get a chance to…” If at the end of this, he still cannot love me, what the hell am I going to do? I go to tear away from under his arm, but his hold on me tightens.

“I just don’t see why having a heart is that important…” Roxas mutters, almost upset that he even spoke up in the first place, and got me fired up.

“Really, that’s your take away on this?” I ask the kid, who just kind of shrugs, sheepishly, which is incredibly cute and satiates my anger just a bit.

“I just don’t understand, since I don’t have a heart.” He replies.

“Roxas…” Xion murmurs, ever so softly.

“We’ll understand when we have our own hearts.” Axel says, and I notice the emphasis on ‘when’. I turn to him and notice how steady his gaze is, unwavering, determined. And just when I thought I couldn’t fall any harder. “That’s why we fight. To find out what it’s about.” And I can hear the hidden meaning as, even with the other two sitting beside us, Axel places a kiss on my temple. I wonder if the roles were reversed and he were waiting for me to get a heart, if I would be as unflinchingly patient as he is. And the answer is of course, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, nothing I wouldn’t make possible. I sigh and lean back into him. 

“Okay, I guess you’re right.” Roxas agrees.

\--

With the flourish of her hand, Xion finally summons her Keyblade, a vibrant smile breaking out across her delicate features.

“Tadah!” Roxas grins back at us. I can’t help it, in the victory of the moment, I reach out to high five both of them.

“Thank you, all of you!” Xion gushes as the teenagers plop down beside where Axel and I are seated on the clock tower.

“We didn’t do anything.” I insist to Xion. “It was all you.”

“Still, if I weren’t able to go on missions with Roxas…” She begins. “It’s just, doing that made it possible for me to remember how to use the Keyblade. So thank you all.”

Axel scratches his head, seeming to be deep in thought. 

“How about you hook us up with some ice cream then?” He asks Xion, who blanches.

“Huh?” She blinks.

“Go buy them for us, and we’ll call it square.” I clarify for her, and with a newfound bounce in her step she nods and says “you got it, I’ll be right back” before bounding off.

When she returns and we all have a sufficient amount of sugar in us, Roxas speaks up.

“I hope we can always be just like this, forever.” 

“Me too.” Xion agrees.

“Not me.” I murmur, and the blue eyed duo turn upon me with dropped jaws.

“What’s that all about?” Axel asks, both Roxas and I.

“I just want these days to last forever. Hanging out, the ice cream, the sunsets.” Roxas looks at me with hurt eyes, and I feel so deeply guilty that I push myself away from Axel to put a hand on the kid’s shoulder.

“And I just want all of this, but in a perfect world, where the three of you have hearts.” I say. “You might think this is nice, kid, but trust me. Wait until you can feel it for real.”

Roxas’s gaze lingers where my hand meets his shoulder, his lips parted, head cocked in confusion.

“Yeah.” He nods. “That would be…really great.”

“Well, hate to burst the bubble for both of you, but nothing lasts forever. Least of all for us Nobodies. But it’s okay if things change and we can’t always meet up.” Axel nods and I turn back to him, blown away for just a minute, by how incredibly handsome he looks in the light of the setting sun. And he’s mine, all mine.

“Huh?” Roxas asks and I flinch, retreating in on myself. For just the briefest of seconds, I forgot that anyone else existed, beyond Axel.

“As long as we keep each other in our thoughts, none of us will ever have to be apart. Got it memorized?” I do. My eyes trace over his jawline, his eyes, his hands, his torso. I drink in the very sight of him, thinking that if the world were ever to fall apart, this is exactly how I would want to remember him. Right here and now in this moment. Open, vulnerable, speaking from the heart that he doesn’t have. I love every wild gesture, every sarcastic comment, every bit of snarky behavior that he graces us with, but this side of him? It’s so incredibly different, so sincere, so honest. And somehow, despite him being so different, I feel as though, in this moment, I have never loved him more.

“Wow, that was so not you.” Roxas finally laughs, breaking us all free from the spell of Axel’s words.

“Hey!” Axel reaches over me to shove him and the four of us erupt into a fit of giggles, laughing harder than we ever have before.

\--

I lurch awake, grasping at the sheets and then my chest, as though I am trying to make sure my heart is still safely inside. It is dark, pitch black, but I hear Axel groan beside me, shifting to an upright position.

“Sweetheart, what is it?” He asks. I shake my head, though he cannot see it. It takes me a minute to come to terms with the fact that whatever happened, was only a dream. Zexion is not here in the room, fingernails piercing the flooring as he drags himself, bloody and beaten across the room, to carve my heart out of my chest. 

“Nothing, bad dream.” I shake my head. “I need to…I’ve gotta get up and…” His arms are around me and he pulls me in to his chest as I hyperventilate.

“I’m here, Rueks.” His hands find their way into my hair and he moves so close to me—impossibly close

Not close enough.

“I can’t…” I choke. “I’m… Probably not going to be able to sleep for the rest of the night.” 

“Okay.” He replies, in a voice so smooth, so accepting, I can hardly believe it is coming from the fiery asshole I know and have fallen in love with. Instead, I feel his arms circle around me and suddenly we are out of bed. My legs clench around his waist as I hold on for dear life. 

“What the hell are you—” The lights flick on and there we stand, beside the light switch, wrapped up in each other.

“Would this help, do you think?” He asks. I furrow my brow.

“What?”

“The light. Nothing can get you in it, Rueki. You’re safe as long as you’re in it. As long as you’re with me. Got it memorized?” I’m too baffled to even respond. Instead, I allow him to lead me back to bed, and that night I do sleep, and well at that.

I wish I would have know then:

The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a little hat tip to the AkuRoku shippers. I see you, dominating the KH ship community. I don't share your ship, but I see you. Keep killing it.   
> Also, the outfit Axel wears in this chapter is   
> https://www.deviantart.com/blahzilla/art/Lea-Design-471993478  
> All credit goes to Blahzilla on Deviantart. Honestly, if Lea wears the damn coat all through KH3 and not an outfit like this, I'm gonna be hella pissed.

XXIV.  
“Time to wake up.” Axel’s voice is hot and heavy at my ear, which is, ironically, how my body feels. I think that I could literally melt into the bed. 

“Or maybe you could just bang me and we could take a two hour nap afterward.” I snuggle closer into him. He snickers, his breath tickling my neck as he draws away from me. I immediately steal the blankets from him and wrap myself tighter, trying to compensate for the sudden loss of his warmth.

“It’s our day off.” He tells me. 

“Okay. You bang me and we take a three hour nap afterward.” I suggest, pinching my eyes shut. Suddenly, I feel him leaning over me and I peak an eye open. He’s got his hands on both sides of my head as he hovers over me. I heave a sigh and turn onto my back. Quickly, I lock my legs around his waist and pull him down into me. “Sleep. You can put it in my ass.”

For a moment, Axel genuinely seems to think about this.

“You are something else.” He shakes his head. “Are you really turning down a date for sleep and anal?”

“Wait, a date?” I ask. “Are you trying to take me on an actual date?”

“Well excuse me for trying to be a good boyfriend.” He laughs.

“No, it’s not that…it’s just? Really? Like an actual date? Not just ice cream with Roxas and Xion?” I ask.

“Nope, I had a whole romantic day planned. The beach, watching the sunset, the whole nine.” He admits, with a very sly grin on his face. I swipe a thumb across his cheek.

“You’re taking me out on a date.” I repeat. Because it doesn’t feel real. It has only been 138 days since I arrived here, and even less than that since I told anyone with ears that he wasn’t my boyfriend and I didn’t want to be in any type of relationship with him. It feels so very strange to me that I only have memories of knowing him for a very short amount of time, because the longer I am with him, the more all-encompassing my feelings become—the more I cannot imagine a life without him.

“You can thank me later.” He grins as he helps pull me out of bed.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask. 

“Maybe I’m just being nice.” He shrugs, and once we are both on our feet, he pulls me in close and places a kiss on my forehead.

“You have been incredibly nice lately.” I agree. “But I know you. What did you do to piss me off that I don’t already know about?”

“Have I told you that I hate how smart you are?” He asks, grabbing a handful of my ass.

“Many times.” I nod. “Deflecting isn’t helping your case though.”

“Oh alright.” He rolls his eyes, but kisses me once more for good measure. “I’m going to be gone a few days. On a solo mission.” 

“Okay, then I’m coming with you.” I reply, because I’m not a part of this fucking Organization, and like hell if they think they can tell me what and what not to do. I’m helping out with missions because I’m a decent human being and I want my boyfriend to get his heart back, pronto. 

“Well, here’s the thing, sweetheart. Saix might’ve already explicitly forbade that.” He rubs the back of his neck, hands finally off of me.

“Fuck Saix. And fuck Xemnas too for that matter. I do what I want.” I remind him, but he just chuckles blithely, all cocky smiles. I know I’m getting nowhere with him now.

“That you do. But, there may or may not be a contingency upon me going alone.” He confesses, brow knitting as he flashes me an apologetic smile. I go weak in the knees, but refuse to let it show.

“Would you care to share this contingency?” I cross my arms to my chest.

“Not especially. Hence the fact that I’m insisting on flying solo for this one, Rueks. But today is me making it up to you.” He brushes a thumb over my lower lip, but I swat him away.

“Seriously? After everything you’re going to keep hiding shit from me?” I snap.

“If it means keeping you safe, absolutely. I already told you this.” He reminds me. 

“Does this have something to do with the big secret you learned about me in Shibuya?” I ask.

“Rueki, can we not get into this?” He sighs.

“We can be fine, just fucking answer my question.” I counter. He heaves a sigh. 

“Fine. Yes. It has everything to do with it. I had to tell Xemnas and Saix when I handed in that paperwork for Oblivion. The secret, coupled with the leverage we have over Saix, kept you alive, got it memorized?” He taps my temple.

“So everyone knows about this big secret except for me?” I ask. “That’s real fair.”

“Not everyone knows, okay?” He groans, tearing away from me. He takes a moment and a deep breath and when his gaze finally meets mine again, he is infinitely more composed. “Saix and Xemnas had to know, I didn’t want to tell anyone. But your life is what’s most important to me, Rueki. And you knowing this secret? It wouldn’t be good, I promise you.” 

“But why? What the hell would it change?” My hands ball into fists.

“Everything.” 

We stand there looking at each other, for lifetimes and for seconds. I hate that this isn’t a battle that I’m going to win. I hate him at least a little bit right now. I hate that I can see us going round and round in circles with this same thing, and I have no idea how long I’ll be in the dark on all of this. I hate that he is going away for a few days, so against my nature, against what my very being is shouting at me to do, I sigh in defeat, my shoulders slumping as I take a seat on the bed.

“Fine.” I say. “Let’s go to the beach, let’s have a nice day off.” 

He instantly swoops down, on bended knee and takes my face into his hands.

“Thanks for not fighting me on this, sweetheart.” He kisses my nose. 

“You’re just lucky you’re cute.” I say, pressing my lips to his. He meets me back with a simmering passion, taking me tenderly, but firmly into his arms as he maps out the contours of my face and my body. 

“You wouldn’t be the first person to tell me that.” He grins stupidly at me as he finally pulls away.

“Oh, I don’t doubt it.”

\--

After sufficiently dragging Axel through shops in Twilight Town — because this outfit is nice, I’m not letting sand ruin it, and I’m not going back to Shibuya any time soon— I’m now clad in a black bikini, a white crocheted top and a pair of denim shorts. He wears an orange and black vest of sorts, with a cowled hood and a slightly baggy pair of black joggers. I wasn’t the one who told him to buy a pair of black, white and red boots with matching fingerless gloves, but I’m also not complaining even a little bit. Why is he so damn attractive? With the wave of his hand, we’re going through a portal and to… an island?

“This is the Twilight Town beach?” It seems impossible, with the vibrant blue skies, palm trees, crystalline waters and white sand. When I think Twilight Town, I think mild, I think orange, I think sunsets and ice cream. Not the tropics.

“Nah, it’s a weekend, that beach will be crowded with people. I didn’t need a bunch of teenagers trying to cop a feel on my girl.” He tosses an arm around me and meets me with a lazy smile.

“Fat chance on that.” I snort.

“I thought this might be nicer, a little more private. No one technically lives on this Island. The kids from the sister islands will probably end up rowing over here on their boats at some point in time, but until then, we’ll have this place all to ourselves.” He tells me, placing a kiss on my temple.

“Where exactly are we?” I ask, wrapping my arm around his waist, leaning into him as I stare out into the ocean. He swore, vehemently that I wouldn’t be getting him into the water today. That it’s ‘not my thing, got it memorized?’ But I’m wondering how hard it would really be to convince him to swim with me. I’ve only been swimming a very small handful of times. Always in the pool at the rec center, on days where those who ran the orphanage thought we were getting too restless and couldn’t figure out what to do with us. The water there was cloudy with chlorine, stunk and the room was filled only by the sounds of shrieking children. 

“The Destiny Islands.” He says and my knees buckle. He literally has to grab onto my beltloop to keep me on my feet. “Rueki…”

“Sora is from here.” Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. My hand withdrawals from around Axel as I hide my face in both of my hands, trying to calm down the hyperventilation that is creeping up on me. This is going to be fine. Sora is safe, Naminé is fixing his memories. It isn’t my fault that he is completely fucked up, I fought a couple battles with him, handed him some cards, but ultimately, even when I wanted to kill something, I didn’t kill him. I told Sora to go back, I told him not to pursue Naminé, even when it went against everything anyone was telling me to do. I tried, I really tried, this isn’t on me, I had no idea what would happen to him. I just needed to stay alive and—

“Rueki, babe.” Axel tears my hands away from my face and takes them into his. He presses his forehead down against onto mine, suddenly the whole world is centered, the stars are aligned as they should be. My heart is still. “Do you want to go somewhere else?”

“No.” I shake my head, finally sighing. I used to be so fucking normal. No random panic attacks, no nightmares, just a bad attitude and a foul mouth. Damn, do I miss those days. 

“Fuck, I broke you, didn’t I?” He breathes. I shake my head again as I draw in a breath.

“No, I’m just a little dented. We’re good. This island is beautiful, I’m happy to be here with you.” And I am, no matter what anxieties course through me. I’m the only one with control of my feelings, I’m the only one who can make the choice to enjoy this day, to enjoy a day off with him before he departs for Castle Oblivion. I reach out to touch his face and eagerly, I press my lips to his, trying to express to him just how okay I actually am.

“Rueki,” He breathes as I finally pull away. “Are you sure you—” But I don’t let him finish, because something tells me, whatever he was about to ask, he won’t like the answer to. So I shove him, and with a laugh, dart out into the ocean, tossing my shirt over my head, kicking off my shoes and shimmying out of my shorts as I do. A deep blue wave slams into me and knocks me down onto my face at the shoreline. I’ve got a faceful of sand when I come up, and my ears are waterlogged, but the result is worth it. Axel is doubled over, on his knees in fits of laughter, quite literally wiping back tears. I don’t even bother to try to wipe off my face. Instead, I cup some water in both hands and walk over to him, slowly, steadily. He looks up at me just in time for me to uncup my hands and spill water across his face.

He spits and sputters, wiping ocean water off his face as I try to wipe sand off of mine.

“Now that was playing dirty.” He tells me. “I’m a fire elemental sweetheart.” As though I don’t already know.

“Right, Dancing Flames.” I laugh. “Whatcha gonna do about it?” He answers by wrapping an arm around my waist and tackling me into the shoreline, my hair sprawled out beneath us, kissing the waves as he pins me to the ground, my wrists above my head. I wrap my legs around his waist, and just as quickly as he tackled me, I twist my hips and flip us over, my soaked, sandy hair hanging around us like a curtain.

“Now this is the view I came to the beach to see.” He grins from below me, his eyes roaming my scantily clothed body. 

“I’m not having sex on the beach.” I say.

“No? I think it might be something we should check off of our fucket list.” He wiggles his eyebrows. I snort.

“Fucket, like bucket list, but for fucking. You’re really clever, babe.” I roll my eyes. “Listen, I’m no expert when it comes to islands, but I’m willing to bet that sand will get into places that I never want to get sand in, if we bang it out here. Besides, it’s not like we don’t have a nice, comfy bed waiting for us at the castle.”

“You need to learn to think outside of the box, sweetheart.” He leans up, and I meet him half way, touching our noses together. 

“You know, talking to me like that has definitely taken anal off the table.” I wink. He just meets me with a smirk.

“Was it ever really on the table in the first place?” He asks.

“Touche.” I laugh.

“Besides, I don’t need you for that. Why do you think I became friends with Roxas?” He teases.

“Mmhmm, right.” I nod. “That’s not creepy at all. He’s fourteen.” 

“You’re fourteen.” Is his really intelligent reply.

“Your mom is fourteen!” I giggle, and then chomp down on my lower lip, because that might’ve been my dumbest attempt at a joke, ever. Axel looks at me with raised eyebrows for an eternity before he bursts into a fit of laughter, his entire body shaking. I can’t help it either, the laughter comes in fits until I collapse onto him, my head tucked on his chest as we cackle like idiots.

“Ew!” A high pitched voice squeals from behind us and I groan. It very obviously belongs to a teenage girl, who probably still isn’t letting her boyfriend touch her boobs under the bra yet. I hoist myself up, stealing a skeptical glance at Axel, who looks equally annoyed that we have been interrupted in what has actually been a very silly, non sexual moment. “Get a room!” I turn to see a short, brunette girl in her early teens, with her hands on her hips. 

“Don’t you have better things to do than patrol the beach, little girl?” I ask. She huffs, eyes narrowing.

“I am not a little girl!” She insists, which somehow makes her seem that much younger.

“Whatever. How about you run along now.” Axel says, sitting up from underneath me, his arms snaking around my waist.

“How about the two of you quit the public necking! No one wants to see that.” She sticks her tongue out.

“Awe, that’s so sweet. I’m so glad to be getting advice from a little girl who probably has to put munny in the swear jar every time she says ‘crap’.” I roll my eyes. Axel snorts.

“That was oddly specific.” He snickers. “Listen, kid, we’re just out here, trying to enjoy our day off. I’m sure you can find plenty more places to play.”

“Nope.” She says, popping her lips. “This is where I like to sit and watch the waves.” 

“I am going to fight this kid.” I stage whisper to Axel, eyes still on the girl.

“No you’re not, she’s a child.” He says, patting my back.

“According to you, so am I.” I remind him. I go to stand up, but he tightens his hold on my waist, just as another kid comes onto the scene, this one with floppy blonde hair and bright eyes. I nearly choke. He looks so much like a younger version of Del that I have to do a double take. But no, Del has green eyes, not blue, and he couldn’t catch a tan if I paid him to. 

“Selphie, c’mon, Wakka wants to play Blitz Ball. Even with Kairi, we still need you to make an even four!” The boy tells her, and then looks to us. His eyes roam me in a way that I have only experienced a very small handful of times, and I swear, he nearly salivates. Guess I attract a certain type. “Oh, hi. I don’t recognize you guys.” He takes a step closer to us. 

“Hey. I’m Axel. The cute one here is Rueki.” For show, Axel slaps my ass and I color. Why? Why, why, why?

“I’m Tidus.” Tidus is probably about ten shades deeper of a red than I am. Axel is grinning like some kind of devil, and I quickly realize exactly what he is doing. Oh this is so weird. Using the attraction this kid has to me, to get his way. “This is Selphie.”

“I don’t want to introduce myself to them.” Selphie snorts. “I mean seriously, talk about having no class.” She flips her hair.

“Oh go fuck yourself.” I snort at the girl. She claps a hand over her mouth, so scandalized at my language.

“No manners! Seriously!” She throws her hands up and storms off. 

“Um, sorry about her.” Tidus rubs the back of his neck. “She’s mad because neither Wakka nor I wanted to share a Paopu Fruit with her.”

“A who-who fruit?” I ask.

“Paopu. Those star shaped fruits up in the trees. It’s dumb, just some old legend. They say if two people share one, their destinies will be intertwined forever. No matter what happens, they’ll be a part of each other’s lives.” He explains. “I mean, Selphie is cool, but she can be pretty annoying. I don’t know if I want my destiny to be tied to hers forever. That’s a long time.”

“That it is.” Axel nods. “Well, thanks kid, for getting rid of her for us.” 

“Oh um…yeah.” Tidus says and his eyes are once again, on me. I shift, in Axel’s arms.

“Well, uh, have fun with your game.” I say. The boy colors and nods before he scampers off. The second he is out of our line of sight, Axel howls out a laugh.

“See, I told you. Times that by everyone in Twilight Town, I don’t know I’d be able to keep everyone with a libido from trying to steal my girl.” Axel teases, sucking a kiss onto my neck.

“Oh please. Even if they did manage to steal me, they’d return me within an hour. I’m annoying as hell.” I remind him.

“That you are sweetheart.” He starts to toy with my hair as I lean deeper into his arms.

“I’m kinda glad we ran into those two and not Kairi.” I confess. “She’s the girl Sora likes. It’d be weird, seeing someone who looks so much like Naminé. I mean, it’s weird looking at Xion.” 

“Fuck, you’re telling me!” Axel shakes his head. “Trust me, the way you reacted was exactly how I was feeling. I didn’t want the kid to feel weird though, you know?”

“We’re Nobodies, we don’t feel at all. Meh.” I say, in a very mocking voice. Axel grasps my face in his hands and tilts my head up, brushing our lips together. I cannot help the smile that spreads across my face. 

“I don’t sound like that.” He insists.

“You do.” I disagree. “But I’ll forgive you if you come swimming with me.” 

And he does. He moans and whines and complains as he strips out of his clothes and down to his boxers before following me into the water. His hair falls flat but is still sticky with gel until I shove him under the water completely. He doesn’t stay under long, instead, he swoops up, grabbing the tops of my thighs as he pushes us up onto the surface, me sitting on his shoulders. With absolutely zero care, he releases my legs and I fumble as I fall back into the ocean. I didn’t realize how much fun it was to take turns attempting to drown your significant other. Before I know it, I’m crispy with an impending sunburn, and Axel and I are laying on our backs in the sand, eyes closed, holding hands.

“It’s so hot here.” I sigh.

“You know, you could always put your hair up.” He reminds me.

“No I can’t. You said in Shibuya, that it would only be a matter of time before I put my hair back up.” I insist. 

“And you took that as a challenge?” He asks. “You’re impossible.”

“You already knew that. Besides, are you telling me you wouldn’t have done the same in my shoes?” I snort.

“You might be onto something.” He agrees. “You just can’t stand the though of letting me win, can you?”

“Nope.”

“Have you ever been nice enough to let anyone win something?”

“I think once I pretended to have a twisted ankle so that Amaya wouldn’t be ‘it’ anymore, in a game of tag.” I confess.

“Well aren’t you just ever so generous?” He laughs.

“You’re trying to tell me you’re any better?” I ask.

“Of course. I let you think you’ve won arguments all the time.” He says.

“Ohohokay.” I peak an eye open. His skin is slick with sweat and ocean water and I clench my thighs together, attempting to offer myself some relief. He is so perfect. So sexy and so delightfully snarky. “What made you choose this world anyway? Is it your favorite or something?”

“Hm? No. I don’t think so. I just knew you grew up in a frozen tundra, I thought this might be a nice change of pace. You know, we don’t exactly get a ton of days off. I figured, with what you and I have been through, we deserved a day together that was just…really damn amazing.” He says. I sit up, curling a knee to my chest. He seems to sense me shifting, because he opens his eyes, grinning as he looks up at me.

“This really is amazing. I wish we could do stuff like this more often.” I nod.

“When I get my heart back, Rueki. We’ll make up for how hard we had to work.” He squeezes my hand.

“Promise?” I ask.

“If you really think you can wait on me, then yeah, Rueks. I promise.” He nods.

“You’re dumb if you don’t think I’ll wait for you.” I say. “I have sat through mediocrity my entire life, thinking that there was no one in any world that I could connect with, that Del and Amaya were the best I could do. I was really so worried that I was everything you accused me of being in Shibuya, selfish, condescending, uncaring, cold. And then you come into my life, and I wanted nothing to do with you, but I swear, I couldn’t get you out of my mind. You had me wrapped around your finger from the very start, Axel. We might have had some shaky times, I might’ve told you in a fit of rage that I didn’t want anything to do with you. But no matter what, I think I would’ve always found my way back to you. Even if we didn’t go through hell. I have always been yours.” 

He lays there in silence, absorbing my words or trying to figure out what to say, I do not know.

“Do you think if our world never would’ve fallen to darkness, that things would’ve been the way they are now? You and me together?” He asks. I shrug.

“I dunno. You said I was an annoying kid that tried to harass you and Saix all the time, right?” I ask, he nods. “Then you probably would’ve just been annoyed as hell by me the entire time.” I don’t want to voice it, but maybe him losing his heart, maybe the worst thing to curse either of us, was the silver lining that brought us together.

“Or, maybe the second you hit puberty I would’ve started looking at you differently.” He shrugs, wagging his eyebrows. I bark out a laugh.

“Omigod, you’re what, five years older than me?” I ask. “You totally would’ve failed high school and ended up being a super senior. Which meant that I would’ve been the freshmen honor student assigned to tutor you. That could’ve been sexy. You know, after years of sexual tension and banter when I finally came of age.”

“Oh please, I’m not an idiot. I wouldn’t have failed. Maybe I would’ve worked my way through college and ended up being your boss at your first job.” He says. I snort.

“Dude, you’re not an idiot but you aren’t motivated for shit. You’d have skipped class to get drunk in the woods or something.” I accuse. He seems to ponder this for a minute.

“You know, you might know me better than I give you credit for.”

“Not that it’s been easy.” I remind him.

“Nothing good ever is.” He counters. I settle into his arms, which he opens up to me with ease. He pulls me in tight, and despite the heat of the island and the heat that he radiates, I find comfort in his touch. This might be the happiest I have ever been.

We lay like that for hours, talking, and I am utterly shocked at my how many words I can exchange with just one person. I’m even more shocked by the fact that the entire time he talks—recanting more stories from our childhood, stories about his missions with the Organization, and I tell him stories about growing up with Del and Amaya and how much I miss flying a Gummi Ship—I am actively listening, I am interested. I wait, with baited breath on his every word. I fall more and more in love with him with each passing second, helplessly so. Pathetically so. I suppose I don’t mind so much.

“I’m going to ask you something.” He finally says. We are now situated so that he is sitting up and I am sitting, between his legs. His arms are wrapped around me.

“I think you’ve asked me a lot of somethings.” I say, tilting my head up. 

“Yeah, but this is important, got it memorized?” He taps my skin. “You used to say something to me quite frequently. A feeling that you expressed. And only to me…” 

“Oh.” That I love him. “I mean, yeah, I…” Am not going to rub the fact that I can feel such strong emotions in his face. He heaves a sigh.

“Damn Rueks, I don’t know how to do this smoothly. Is there a reason you don’t say it anymore? I mean, have I so thoroughly fucked you up that you don’t feel comfortable telling me how you feel now?” I shift over in his lap, and I’m on my knees, his face in my hands.

“What the hell, dude? No!” I shake my head, forehead pressed to his. “No, I just... felt so bad. In Shibuya, you told me you felt like shit when I said that to you, because you couldn’t feel the same. I don’t want to throw things in your face anymore, Axel. Not if this is going to work. This has to be you and me versus the world, not you versus me. You didn’t choose not to have a heart. For fucks sake, I’m the reason you don’t have one. How dare I say anything to make that emptiness any worse?”

“Rueks…” He murmurs, setting his hands on the small of my back.

“So, you were patient enough with me, letting me figure out my feelings. I mean, shit you’re patient with me whenever I need to throw a temper tantrum, even now. I can at least be patient enough to wait to say it again, until you can say it back and mean it.” I offer. “For now, we don’t need to say anything at all.”

“Nothing at all?” He raises an eyebrow. I shrug.

“Not a thing.” I agree. He looks me over for a moment, eyes hard, brow furrowed. And then, abruptly, like flipping a switch, everything in his expression softens. For a moment, his sun rises and sets with me. 

“How did I find you?” He breathes.

“How did we end up with such shit timing?” I mean it like nothing good comes for free, but he snickers and I can tell he’s going to challenge me.

“How the hell did I find you when I don’t have a heart?” He asks.

“How the hell did I crash land in your world?” I laugh. He laughs too and pulls me tighter into his arms.

“How did we get each other?” He asks, kissing the top of my head.

“I guess there had to be something good to come of all the shit.” I reply. “Good luck getting rid of me now though, you’re stuck with me.”

“Maybe that was my goal all along.” He teases. “Maybe I tricked you so that you’d be stuck with me.”

“Maybe that isn’t so bad.” I say. He’s quiet for a minute.

“So…that um. The Paopou Fruit thing that kid told us about.” He scratches the back of his head.

“Yeah, how dumb.” I snort. 

“The dumbest.” He agrees. “Hey Rueks? Nothing at all.” It takes me a moment to realize what he’s getting at, but when I do, I beam.

“Not a thing.” I love you too.

\--

We get back to The Castle That Never Was, with intentions of changing back into our normal clothes when Roxas intercepts us.

“Axel, Rueki!” The kid bounds over to us, looking lost and confused. “What happened to you two?”

“Nothing!” Axel says quickly. “We spent the entire day napping.” 

“What happened to your clothes?” Roxas scrunches up his face. I lift an eyebrow at Axel, because what is the sense in lying to this kid, our friend? 

“These are pajamas.” Axel waves his hand. 

“You sleep in jean shorts?” Roxas asks me. I sigh.

“Yep, you caught me.” I understand that Axel wants to act like a slacker so he gets stuck with fewer shit jobs, but jeez.

“Oh…okay.” He nods, and like damn, I feel so bad lying to him. For how much he’s grown, he’s still a complete derp. 

“Well, we’ve gotta get going.” Axel says, without another word, he pats Roxas on the top of the head and yanks me into his room.

“Dude, what the fuck?” I ask, once we are safely behind closed doors.

“I don’t need it getting around the Castle that I took you out for a romantic day.” Axel says. I roll my eyes.

“Oh, is it an epic threat to your masculinity?” I snort. He offers me a strange sort of half smile that I cannot read.

“If only it were that simple.” Is all he offers.

“Don’t you think our lives would be a lot better if you just didn’t keep secrets from me?” I ask.

“Probably. And one day I won’t and all will be magical. That’s what you want me to say, right?” He asks.

“It’d mean a lot more if you meant it.”

\--

With a quick change in wardrobe and enough time for Axel to gel his hair up—he’s more high maintenance than me, I swear—we make our way to the clock tower where he assures me, Roxas is. He’s not wrong.

“Huh, I guess you’re right sometimes.” I concede.

“Axel, Rueki!” Roxas beams at us. We take a seat beside him as Axel leans forward, eyes narrowed, gazing out into the town. A group of three kids, probably around the same age as Roxas, run around, laughing.

“Are the kids here on summer vacation already?” He asks, more to himself than to us. “Nah, can’t be. It’s much too early.”

“Summer vacation? What’s that?” Roxas asks, and it suddenly dawns on me that he was never a child, he never grew to be fourteen, he just was. Well, Sora grew, but Roxas didn’t exactly have that same luxury. Or punishment, depending on how you look at coming of age.

“It’s a dream come true, that’s what.” Axel says.

“Yeah, if you live somewhere that it actually gets warm.” I snort. 

“Oh come on, you get a whole month off! What’s not to love?” Axel insists.

“A month off? I wouldn’t know what to do with that much time.” Roxas confesses. “I can’t even figure out how to fill a day.”

“You’d be surprised! They give you plenty of homework, and of course you have to play with your friends everyday. Trust me, it’s over before you can even blink.” Axel swears.

“Hmm, I could deal with seven days? Maybe.” Roxas ponders.

“Most kids spend the time just goofing off with their friends.” Axel explains. “They save the homework til the end and then help each other finish it.” 

“That sounds fun, I guess.” Roxas shrugs. “What did you do then, Rueki, if you didn’t have fun?”

“I dunno, I mean it’s not like I didn’t have fun. But Transmute City is kind of a hole.” I roll my eyes. “Sometimes we’d go to the river and dare each other to jump in, until we’d all finally gotten pneumonia enough times. Sometimes we’d sneak into the library after hours and make forts out of books or steal junk food from the pantry in the orphanage and stay up late and eat a ton of it.” 

“Well to those of us that actually know how to have fun, it was a blast. Just getting to hang out with your friends is fun.” Axel says and then, smiles a little softer, a little sadder. “I’d forgotten all that since becoming a Nobody.” My heart drops. I reach out to squeeze his hand. I think for a moment about his life, about his past and how he has spent the previous decade without a heart. Most of his family, if they are alive wouldn’t recognize him. He is clinging to friendship with an absolute sociopath, solely because of their past ties. He’s stuck with a serious pain in the ass of a girlfriend. I wish I could grant him more days like today, I wish I could make him smile and remember how much heaven he truly deserves.

“So how’d you spend your day, kid?” I ask, and before he can answer, Xion shows up, a bright smile lighting her features.

“Hey guys!” She chirps, in her soft voice. “How did I know you’d be here.” Roxas’ entire being glows at her voice and I have to bite back a smile. These two are too damn cute.

“Where’d you go, Xion?” He asks.

“I didn’t go anywhere.” She shrugs. “What about you three? Did you go somewhere without me?”

“Axel and Rueki say they were asleep all day.” Roxas rolls his eyes, which is just too adorable. Slow down with the tude, kid. 

“There’s sand in your hair.” Xion says, looking at me, brow furrowed.

“I wouldn’t worry about that.” I wave my hand.

“I don’t know, I don’t believe you two just wasted a whole day off.” She taps her chin.

“Unlike you two lazybones, we work hard. So we were tired, okay?” Axel insists.

“Unlike me and Roxas, maybe you’re just out of shape!” Xion meets Axel with a big, goofy, teasing smile. For a moment, in my mind’s eye, her face turns to Sora’s and I could choke. That smile looks so right… But I blink and she looks just like Naminé again. How weird. But we all laugh like idiots, and Axel elbows me, like I’m supposed to be on his side. I stick my tongue out though and he leans in, kissing me right on the nose. Now I am the one who glows.

“Tomorrow it’s back to work.” I sigh, because I know what this means for me, for Axel.

“Yeah.” Roxas sighs.

“Hope we get another vacation soon.” Xion nods.

“Oh, yeah!” Axel’s eyes light up. “I might not see you guys again for a while.” 

“Huh?” Roxas raises an eyebrow. 

“They’re sending me out on recon for a few days.” Axel shrugs. I frown.

“Where?” Xion asks.

“Can’t tell.” Axel says and, I do swell with pride act the fact that he told me. Maybe despite all of his secrets, I really can’t fault him, because maybe he does let me know more than he lets anyone else know. 

“What’s up with that?” Roxas makes a face.

“It’s a secret mission.” Axel puts a finger to his lips.

“But I thought we were friends!” Xion whines.

“Oh, angel face.” I sigh. “I have been fighting that battle with him since day one, trust me, it’s a losing one.”

“Hey!” Axel admonishes. “I’m not about to tell you all my dark secrets. Got it memorized?”

“Dark secrets?” Roxas asks.

“Haha, I’m kidding.” Axel says.

“He’s not.” I correct. Axel very pointedly ignores me, which is fine, because I know I’m being an asshole.

“I just gotta keep my mouth shut about it, or else Saix will get on my case. You know how he can get.”

“Yeah.” Roxas and I say in agreement. I turn to the boy with a crooked grin on my face. He meets me with an equally bright smile.

“Try not to bungle everything while I’m gone, huh?” Axel teases. I pinch him. “Dammit, Rueki, whatever happened to not abusing your significant other?” I just shrug.

“Meh.” I shrug.

“Meh is right!” Xion teases.

“Damn, I can’t count on you guys for anything?” Axel rolls his eyes, but a grin pulls at the edges of his lips, and I think how beautiful he looks like this. Happy, full of life.

“Hey!” Xion snaps. “We can handle things just fine!”

“That’s right, just you watch.” Roxas agrees.

“Exactly. If I can whip you into shape these two will be no problem.” I nudge Axel.

We laugh and talk until the sun goes down completely. We return to the Castle, Xion and Roxas retreat to their rooms. Hand in hand, Axel and I walk through the Castle, trying to will the night not to end. Or at least, that’s what I’m doing.

Saix intercepts us, I cringe. I watch even Axel make a face, which is new and makes me wonder what happened that he hasn’t told me. Usually Axel is so blithe and unshakable, even in the face of the member of the Organization that scares me most. 

“What took you so long?” Saix snaps.

“It’s my vacation, I can take all the time I want.” Axel says, just as briskly. “Since when do I have to check in with you?” Damn, I’m a little more turned on by my man than usual. You tell him, baby.

“You’re letting yourself get too attached to them.” Saix says, and I am not pleased with that statement.

“Fuck you, if you weren’t such an absolute dick, maybe we’d be having ice cream on the clock tower with you instead.” I want this to be cold, I want this to be cutting. Because for the first time, I think that Axel won’t try to shut me up. 

“You have been nothing but a blemish on this Organization since your arrival in this world.” Saix seethes at me, before turning on Axel. “You know, you’ve changed.”

Axel doesn’t wait another moment, he makes a big show of pulling me in closer before he leads me right back to his room. 

“Fuck him.” He murmurs, under his breath. I think to ask what the sudden tension is all about, but without a second’s hesitation, he puts me into the door, my face in his hands, his lips slammed against mine. I cannot breathe beneath his weight, but I don’t mind, I’m dizzy and high, drunk on love, on him, on how he got an attitude with Saix and how he trusted me with secrets that Roxas and Xion weren’t privileged to. In this moment, I want to take him back to the Destiny Islands and grab that Paopu fruit and offer him my entire future. Care tossed to the wind, I grab onto the back of his head and grind my hips into his. My fingernails slide down his back and my mouth moves to his neck, rough, violent and so very needy. He groans beneath my lips and I press my thighs together, turned on beyond compare. How the hell is this confident, manipulative, fun, sarcastic man all mine?

My hands move up, around his middle, up his chest as I push his suffocating form just slightly away enough that I can fiddle with the zipper of his robe as I kiss down his collar. Suddenly, his hands fly to my wrists and he pins me back against the door, breath heavy and warm, eyes intense and smoldering.

“Rueki, I need to not think right now.” He tells me.

“You don’t need to think about anything except my mouth wrapped around your cock.” I bat my lashes and bite my lip in a way that I think is at least mildly sexy. I watch a smirk start to curl at the edges of his lip, like a sheet of paper lit on fire. I make a strangled noise as he presses his erection into me, he knows I’m absolutely gagging for it. 

“Have I told you how perfect you are?” He asks, his thumb grazing my lower lip, sending shivers up my spine.

“Have I told you the same?” I ask, working his zipper the rest of the way down. I palm his erection, through his pants and once again, my lips are latched onto his neck, sucking and licking at his warm flesh. I take the soft skin and roll it beneath my teeth. Once more, I am so satisfied by how he groans, weak and wanton. “Today was perfect, you’re perfect. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.” I breathe, and I’m laying it on thick, but there is something in my gut, telling me that what he needs right now is praise and I am all too happy to grant that to him. I slide my nails up his torso as I kiss down his shoulder, only to rake them back down with a little bit of force, scraping over his nipples, down that perfect ‘v’ of his abdomen. I feel his belly tighten beneath my touch as he chokes on his breath. Grinning against his skin, I work my lips back across his chest, his stomach, his hips, until I am met by the seam of his pants.

His hand slips back into my hair, his now ungloved hands moving across my scalp and I am emboldened. Bravely, I tug at the zipper of his pants down with my teeth, eyes flickering up to his. His nails start to bite me. I am alive only for this. My lipstick stains the button of his pants as I work them open, which is infinitely more difficult to work with than his zipper, but with a bit of a struggle, I get his pants undone and yank them and his boxers down with the quick jerk of my hands. His cock springs free, and as I lick a wide, flat band up the underside of his shaft, I swear, I can taste the salt of the ocean, the beach.

Greedily, I grab his hips. My lips enclose his cock and it disappears into my mouth. I hollow my cheeks and swirl my tongue up and down his shaft as I bob against him, my tongue brushing and dipping into the slit of his head until he is clutching my hair for dear life, making strangled cries and wanting, breathy sounds. I know him, I love him, and as my tongue maps out the familiarity of his cock, I find myself growing more and more turned on. I don’t know who needs this more right now, me or him, but I feel beautiful, I feel alive.

Despite it all, I feel loved. 

My eyes dart up to his, soft and sweet as the licking of a candle flame. With swollen lips, I descend, lower, lower, lower than I ever have before. I’m choking on him, my eyes start to water, but I can feel his cock twitching, dribbling precum inside of my mouth. He’s close, I know, and I won’t have to keep pace long. His eyes meet mine and I set my hand on top of his on my head, giving him the okay. I feel every single one of his muscles roll and uncurl beneath my touch as he slams my head down. My throat screams in protest, but I want this, more than anything, I want to do this for my lover. I steer into it, trying to hollow out the back of my throat as he fucks my mouth brutally, passionately. His hands bunch tightly in my hair as he pounds me down against him. The sensation is anything but pleasant, and that’s okay, the depravity of it all has got me so close to the edge. I do my damndest to keep my lips curled over my teeth as saliva floods out of my mouth. It is like this, aggressively, buried in the wet heat of my mouth, that his orgasm shakes him. He twitches, jerks, smacking into the back of my throat again and again as he cums. With great effort, I swallow around him, and as he pulls away, his entire body is vibrating. 

Before I can blink, he dips to the floor and grabs me into his arms, rolling so that he is on his back and I’m lying on my stomach on top of him. I lean up, a smile breaking out across my face—smeared red lipstick and all.

“Rueki…” The way he says my name makes me feel like the sun is shining for the first time in his world. And maybe that’s what this is, him coming to terms with the fact that he can have something good in his life, even as a Nobody. He doesn’t need to settle for asshole friends and sleeping the day away. He can smile and laugh, he deserves to. More than anyone else I know.

“You can say it, I’m amazing.” I tease. But this time, his molten eyes do not harden. Instead, they are the softest, most inviting pools of emerald that I have ever seen. 

“Yeah, you are.” I shift on top of him, unsure of how to process such a pure compliment, such untainted, unconditional, albeit unspoken love.

“Nothing at all.” I whisper, afraid that I will overuse this phrase, afraid of being so open with my love, afraid of the fact that it should be, for no intents and purposes, not reciprocated. The cynic in me is dead and buried. He has made me a believer.

“Not a thing.” He breathes, running a hand back through my hair. “Let me show you how much.” With quick work, he flips me over onto my back.

And he does show me, all night long.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So who else straight up screamed, multiple times when they watched the new trailer for KH3? Just me? Okay

XXV.

I wake up and Axel is gone. 

I don’t expect anything less, he was very clear, he had to be gone early this morning. Still, as I lay here, naked in bed, without his warmth beside me, I find myself feeling more hollow and empty than I have ever felt. I linger, my face pressed to the sheets, as I find comfort in his scent against them. I pray to anything that will listen that he isn’t gone long. The time I spent not falling asleep in his arms, in Castle Oblivion, was too long, and that was when I had the drive to stay away from him. Now, his name is a mantra in my brain, a chant that plays as I clamber out of bed, shower, get ready and put my clothes on. Unsure of what is expected of me, with Axel gone, I don’t bother with putting the coat on, and for a moment, I contemplate just laying in bed for the rest of the day. That is right around the same time Saix opens a portal into the room, his eyes hard and cold as he regards me.

“Perhaps this is above what you can comprehend, however, our Superior does not tolerate laziness. You were expected to report for a mission over an hour ago.” He says, in a tone void of anything except perhaps mild irritation.

“Honestly, can we just stop pretending I work for you guys?” I roll my eyes. “I can think of a lot better ways to spend my day than beating Heartless away from the Castle, with Demyx.

“It seems you’ve forgotten that you are only kept alive to complete missions, would you prefer it the other way around?” He asks. When I don’t answer, he continues. “Besides, your mission today is with XIII, not IX.” 

Not that I mind Demyx, he’s my friend.

Saix hands me a mission card and I look it over. Recon in a place called ‘Beast’s Castle’. I’ve never been to a Castle outside of this one and Oblivion, maybe it’ll be cool to check one out that wasn’t decorated by a complete cocksucker who wants everything to look pristine and white.

“Why recon?” I ask, hoping that I can ask a simple question without him biting my head off. 

“In case you’ve not noticed, half of our ranks have been eliminated.” He says, as though he is talking to an earthworm or something else without cognitive brain function.

“Oh?” I tilt my head to the side, batting my lashes, stupidly. “Silly me, I thought that was all a part of your master plan.” I remind him. His eyes suddenly narrow into slits, becoming cold as ice.

“Put your coat on before you leave on your mission. This may surprise you, but not everyone is utterly charmed by your lack of decent clothing.” He opens a portal and retreats inside, just barely missing the shoe that I throw at him. What a fucking prick. He wants me to keep a journal? Fine. It’s gonna be a personal, Saix shit list.

I stomp over to the dresser that I have kept my coats and notebook in and quickly scribble down on one of the pages: Day 139, implied that I was stupid and a whore. I took my shoe off to hit him with it, he disappeared before I could.

Feeling sufficiently satiated, I grab my jacket make my way out of the room, zipping it up as I try to think over where Roxas might be waiting. I’ve got a pretty good inkling. A smirk spreads across my lips as I am proved right. He lays, head on the headrest of one of the couches in the lounge type area, staring with a furrowed brow up at the ceiling. I walk right over and lean in front of him, my hair spilling down onto the both of us as I grin at him. His eyes suddenly meet mine, deep blue to sea green, and his go wide. 

“Whoa!” I have to pull away quickly, because he jolts up. “Give me a break, Rueki!” 

“C’mon Roxas, you gave Axel and I so much grief yesterday for sleeping the day away. But here you are, snoozing, you lazy bum.” I laugh.

“I wasn’t sleeping!” He retorts. “I was thinking, I had this really strange dream last night and—”

“Roxas, would you like to know a surefire sign that a friendship is dead?” I ask as he climbs off the couch. “It’s a sure sign that a friendship is dead when you have to start talking about your dreams, because you have nothing to bond over in real life anymore.” I set a finger against his lips. He scrunches his nose at me and waves my hand away.

“You don’t think dreams are important?” He asks. I shrug.

“I dunno, I never remember my dreams.” It’s a lie, but sleeping beside Axel, with the lights on has kept the nightmares at bay. My stomach drops as I think of what may happen in this time he is gone, though I quickly push the thought away. That’s a problem for future Rueki to deal with.

“Maybe they’re my memories, from when I had a heart.” Roxas considers. “Maybe that’s why you don’t remember anything you dream, you don’t have memories.”

“And I still have a heart.” I remind him. He nods.

“Yeah.” He says. “I dreamt about a girl that looked just like Xion.”

“Was she wearing a white dress?” I ask, and my mouth goes dry. He wrinkles his nose though and shakes his head.

“No, she had red hair, a pink skirt and a white shirt.” He said. “Still, something about her really just made me think of Xion.” He scratches the back of his head. I wonder if perhaps he dreamt of Kairi, but I don’t want to think about what that might mean for him and Sora and the guilty hand that I have in that entire situation.

“We should go on our mission. Saix already yelled at me for being late.” I say. He pauses a moment, seeming to be lost in thought, so much deeper and more inquisitive than Sora ever was. 

“Yeah.” He finally says, before opening up a portal.

Beast’s Castle is moody and medieval, decorated in blues, purples and reds. This is what I expect a castle to look like, something fitting for a prince. Not something cold and sterile like I’m used to.

“Have you been here before?” I ask Roxas, and he nods.

“Yeah, a couple times with Xaldin. And Xion. The Organization wants to turn the master of the castle into a Nobody. They think he has a strong heart.” Roxas explains. I wrinkle my nose. 

“I don’t like that.” I confess. “Taking someone’s heart just so you can get more Nobodies on your side? You’re all trying to get hearts of your own, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Roxas shrugs, all adorable and noncommittal, but his brow is furrowed as though he is genuinely thinking about my words. 

“So then why take a heart away from someone, just to promise it back in the end? You and Xion are supposed to release hearts so that Kingdom Hearts is formed, I get that. Why not just have the two of you double down on that? Seems like a more straightforward and less time consuming way to go about all of this.” I offer. A spark is lit in Roxas’ eyes as though this is the first time he’s really thought about this. And maybe it is, after all, without my conspiratorial ass attitude to light the fire beneath him, maybe he would’ve just continued on, going through the motions.

“You’re right.” He says, voice barely above a whisper, as he starts to piece things together in his head. “You should say something to Xemnas.” 

“I should say a lot of things to Xemnas. I don’t see any of them going well. He wanted me killed in Castle Oblivion.” I shrug.

“Wait, what?” Roxas asks, eyes going wide. Suddenly, I hear a noise, a stomping, a crashing, a clattering. Something big is barreling this way. I hold a finger up, telling him to give me a minute as my eyes dart around the corridor we stand in.

“Behind the statue!” I grab his hand in mine and start sprinting, leading him to behind a statue of a gargoyle. 

“Rueki, wait—” 

“No time!” We crouch down behind the statue, both of us trying to look as small as possible, which is actually quite easy for a short woman and a kid who has just barely hit puberty. I hold my breath, my eyes flicking to the staircase nearest to where I heard the noise come from, when suddenly a monster comes stomping down the stairs. Whatever it is, is hairy, with brown fur, the face of a lion, the horns of a bull, and very human blue eyes. It wears tattered pants and a cape.

“Everything needs to be perfect for tonight, Cogsworth!” The monster orders to…a clock? Yes, a clock, small, and clambering behind him, taking down notes on a piece of parchment. “Not a thing out of place.”

“Not a thing at all, yes, very good sir!” The clock agrees as it follows him toward the center of the castle. They continue on, going over details of lighting, of dinner, of music, of wardrobe choices. The strangest things, considering what this monster… this Beast looks like. He must be the master of the castle. He’s excited about something, animated even, and the Organization wants his heart? Fuck them.

Unless of course, he’s excited about cooking people alive and eating them. 

Really, nothing would surprise me anymore. 

The Beast and the clock continue down the half, far enough so that they’re out of sight and out of earshot. I start giggling bringing my hands to my mouth.

“Oh man, what the fuck is this world?” I ask. Roxas snorts.

“You know, that’s actually a really good question.” He admits. “It’s not as bad as Wonderland.”

“Nothing is as bad as Wonderland.” I agree. Abruptly, a growling sound starts up and I sigh. “What now?”

The answer to that, is the Gargoyle statue we’re sitting behind slowly starts to creep to life, hissing and gargling before it finally jumps free.

“Is everything in this castle alive?” I snap.

“That’s what I was trying to tell you when you pulled me back here!” Roxas insists.

“Well you should’ve told me faster!” I say.

“You wouldn’t let me talk!” He cries out. The statue brandishes two pairs of old fashioned looking swords.

“Let me use your Keyblade as a springboard.” I order, rolling my shoulder as I ready Survivor. Roxas’ Keyblade materializes and I sprint at it, leaping onto and off of it in a series of backflips that land me on top of the statue, my arms around the back of the gargoyle’s neck.

“What now?” Roxas calls to me as I smash my claw into the gargoyle. It parries back, slashing my arms with its sword. It smarts something awful, so I keep slamming Survivor into it for good measure.

“I don’t know! I didn’t think this far ahead!” I admit. Roxas comes charging and smacks the Keyblade against the statue. I go sailing off, toward the wall. He lands a couple more attacks on the gargoyle before it crumbles, right as I slide to the floor and onto my ass. “Damn, thanks kid.” I say, standing up, rubbing my back, which is still sore from the impact of the wall.

“You’ve gotta think these things through, Rueki!” He chastises, which would be adorable if it weren’t annoying. 

“I think better on my feet.” I counter.

“So you’d have somehow figured out a way to fight off the statue if I didn’t help?” He asks, skeptically, crossing his arms to his chest.

“Yeah, probably.” I snark back.

“Well it didn’t seem like you were going to, you scared me.” He insists. Despite everything, a smile spreads across my features. I know what Axel would say, that this kid doesn’t have the heart to worry and blah, blah, blah, but it makes me wonder, would any of them know any differently if they weren’t raised by some pompous douche that makes his comrades call him ‘Superior’? If the Nobodies in Organization XIII hadn’t been told that they don’t have a heart, would they still believe it themselves? Or could they actually be happy? 

“Don’t just do things on your own, that’s why we’re on this mission together. To have each other’s backs.” Roxas reminds me and I catch myself smiling the warmest of smiles.

“Right. Trust your partner.” Shibuya, Axel, Neku and Shiki. Everything that I learned there, I feel so deeply now. I remember Joshua accusing Neku and Shiki of having resorted to old ways, even after everything they’ve learned. Well not me. I’m not the Rueki I used to be, I never will be. I don’t want this kid to feel like I don’t trust and respect him. I do, and even if I didn’t I’d learn to. The battles of this life are not meant to be fought alone. “Sorry, kid. Thanks for having my back.”

“Well duh!” He says, throwing his arms up. I choke on a laugh.

“You know, I don’t care what they say, I like you.” I giggle, ruffling his hair. He narrows his eyes at me.

“What who says?”

“It’s a figure of speech. C’mon kid, lets go do some recon.”

And we do. After hours of searching, we watch from the balcony of a ballroom as this Beast and a girl, a beautiful young woman glide around the ballroom in perfect choreography, wearing the most pristine of clothing. Apparently I have turned into a sap, because my first thought is how romantic this is.

“Dancing?” Roxas asks. 

“If I had to guess, I would say it looks a lot like they’re in love.” I confess. Because that is what their faces are telling me. I noticed how human they were before, but the Beast has very expressive eyes and the way he is looking at this woman is the way I look at Axel. 

“Why?” He asks. I shrug.

“I don’t know. Life would be a lot simpler if love made more sense, but it doesn’t. People get close to you, they find their way into your heart and become important to you, and you fall in love.” I explain.

“Maybe that’s why it doesn’t make sense to me, since I don’t have a heart.” He offers. I shrug.

“That’s probably not it, love confuses everyone.” I inform him.

“Even you?”

“Especially me.” I nod. 

“Well, you and Axel and Xion are all important to me, we’re all close.” He tries.

“There are different kinds of love.” I tell him. “Not just romantic, like what I have for Axel, but there’s the love you have for your friends, the ones really close that you never want to let go. And then there’s the love for family, the love for things. It’s not just one type.”

“Is that all it means with your friends? Is that they’re important and you never want to let them go?” He asks.

“Yeah, pretty much. If you have that deep kind of love for your friends, it means you trust them with your whole life. That you want to share your world with them and keep them safe.” I explain.

“Rueki, do you think even without a heart, I can feel love?” He asks.

“I sure hope so.” I smile sadly, pathetically. “It’s not always a good feeling though. I mean, it’s beautiful, and it is powerful, but things that are important to you can be a weakness too.”

“How is that? Shouldn’t those things that are important make me stronger?” He asks. “I always feel my best when I’m with my friends, eating ice cream.”

“Me too. But just because we’re all decent people, doesn’t mean everyone is. Marluxia wanted to use Axel to hurt me. He wanted me to do something that he knew I wouldn’t do on my own, and so he was going to manipulate me, knowing Axel was important to me.” I explain. “Sometimes, if you build your entire life around something or someone, and you have to do something without them, you forget how to function. You have to be just as strong on your own as you are with your friends.”

“So that’s how I keep you all safe then? By being strong, even without you?” He asks.

“Why are you so worried about keeping us all safe, kid?” I ask, elbowing him lightly. “You’re like five, that’s not your problem to worry about.” 

“I’m not five.” He grumbles. “Besides, I just never want the good times we all have together to end.” 

“Yeah, me either.” 

\--

We’re at the clock tower before Xion gets done with her mission, ice cream at hand. The icing on the cake. It’s only been a day, and somehow I already miss Axel desperately. With the nighttime creeping in, I begin to worry what will happen tonight, how I will sleep. I didn’t realize just how desperately I need him by my side. What I told Roxas, I meant as a teaching moment, but it holds true for myself as well. Axel might just be too important to me. He is my weakness.

You know, along with my mouthiness, the fact that I seem to find my way to any hit an opponent makes, the fact that I don’t think things through, and then of course the lovely list of new anxiety that I am experiencing. I swear, I’ve become a child, afraid to go through the dark by myself, and I hate it.

“Your ice cream is melting.” Roxas reminds me, gently pushing his elbow into my rib. I smile softly at him, taking a bite of my ice cream. “You miss him, don’t you?”

“Would it be tragically cliché if I said I miss him terribly?” I ask. 

“Maybe.” Roxas shrugs. “I’m like five, remember? So I wouldn’t know.” He’s grinning like one seriously sarcastic little fuck and I love it.

“Are you finally understanding sarcasm?” I ask.

“A little.” He laughs.

“Do you remember that first week you were here? Axel called me crazy and you were so confused, because you thought my name was Rueki, not crazy.” I remind him. He bursts out laughing, so animated that his shoulders shake.

“Yeah, I guess I really didn’t understand what was going on then.” He confesses. “I remember that was Xion’s first day. I’ve been writing the days down in my journal, trying to keep them all straight. So much has happened.” 

“That it has.” I agree. “I just started using my journal this morning.”

“Are you keeping track of all that’s happened, too?” He asks.

“Nah, I don’t think I’ll ever forget this. I’m using mine as a way to be petty and keep track of all the things Saix does that I don’t like.” I admit.

“Yeah, he really hates you.” Roxas laughs.

“It’s okay, the sentiment is returned.” I inform him.

“Why?” He asks.

“I dunno. I guess we knew each other when we were kids, him, me and Axel. I don’t remember anything about it though, and whatever slights against him that Saix remembers, he won’t tell me or Axel.” I tell him.

“Oh.” Is his reply. “Do you miss your memories?” He asks.

“I used to tell myself that I didn’t, because I couldn’t miss what I never knew existed in the first place. But the more stuff matters in my life, the more I do. I wish I remembered what Axel was like as a kid. I guess Xigbar knew my mom, she died when I was really little I guess, so I probably wouldn’t have had memories of her anyway, but still.” I sigh. “Sorry, I’m whining.” 

“No, I asked.” Roxas shakes his head. “I still don’t remember anything about my life.” 

And maybe that’s for the best? With Sora resting and being restored, I worry what information I give to Roxas might be too much. I don’t like the idea of this kid being in the dark, but maybe I can sympathize with Axel. Maybe it is smarter to keep the ones I care about in the dark if it keeps them safe. I reach out and pat Roxas’ back.

“Maybe someday.” I say.

“Maybe someday.” He agrees.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends! Get ready for a double update on Christmas day! I hope each and every one of you enjoy your holidays, and of course, these next couple chapters!

XXVI. 

In my dream, Sora stands at the center of a dark room, eyes golden and glowing.

“You did this, Rueki.” He says as the darkness begins to consume him.

When I wake up, my face is soaked with tears. At least I wasn’t screaming

I have never gotten ready so quickly, and I am actually dressed and ready and on the couch in the lounge before Roxas even gets there. Luxord, however, follows very shorty after me, a curious look on his face as he regards me.

“Well, well, well, Rueki love. I suppose it must be true, what they say about the bird and the worm.” He grins, sitting down beside me.

“I got reamed for sleeping in by Scarface yesterday.” I confess.

“Mm, yes, of course. And it has nothing to do with, say, the nightmares that have you screaming all hours of the evening?” He asks. I color.

“I didn’t realize it was common knowledge.” I draw a knee up to my chest, anxiously.

“Once again, I’m afraid that you are not nearly as sneaky as you believe yourself to be.” Luxord offers me a little half smile.

“What do you want?” I mutter. “You’re not usually one for useless small talk, Luxord.”

“Am I unable to spend a morning, conversing with a friend?” He asks me, through a toothy smile. 

“It’s not your normal motif.” I remind him. “Usually, you don’t have much to say unless you’re giving or taking information.” I remember what Axel said about the two of them exchanging information for favors, and I realize, the last time Luxord and I had a real sit down conversation, it was when he told me the Organization consisted of Nobodies.

Does this mean I’m in his debt? Or are we friends? Am I exempt from that?

“Hmm, quite right you are, Rueki love.” A smirk curls at the edges of his lips. “You’re catching on after all.”

“Guess it requires a heart to understand the importance of pleasantries.” I roll my eyes.

“Because you’re so polite yourself?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Okay, that’s fair.” I agree. “So what have you been sent to spy on me with?”

“Spy is such a dirty word.” He says. “I’m merely here to inquire the whereabouts of the girl, Naminé. Your beau has been less than forthcoming about what has happened to her.”

“That’s because neither of us know.” I shrug. “Believe me, I wanted to go after her, have her play with my memories, but by time I thought about that, she was long gone.” 

“Is that what VIII told you, or something you discovered for yourself?” He asks.

“I don’t like what you’re getting at. I trust Axel.” I say, flatly, although I do get where he’s coming from. If Axel has been known to keep things from me, I’m sure there are plenty of other members in the Organization that feel they owe him an explanation of some kind.

“Were you aware that he was meant to assassinate you in Oblivion? He volunteered for the task himself.” Luxord says, as though this will be the tipping point and get me to turn. I narrow my eyes.

“I’m very aware.” 

“Did he ever have any intentions of ending you, or was that merely a ruse to keep you safe?” He asks. I know that whatever I say will land Axel in trouble. If I say he never meant to, who knows what the punishment for insubordination is, and if I say he meant to, it makes me look weak, like an uniformed source. I just shrug.

“The fact of the matter is that I proved myself a worthy ally for this Organization.” I reply. “Saix and Xemnas said so. I’m alive now. I’m completing missions, I’m helping.”

“That you are. Though I wonder if the two of you have ulterior motives.” Luxord says. Does he really think he’s going to weasel anything out of me?

“Listen, Axel wants his heart back, I want him to have it back, and the Organization’s goal is to get it back. It makes sense for me to be on your side.” I snap.

“That’s quite logical of you, not your motif.” He reminds me and I color. Is that really what they think of me? I always thought of myself as level, as cynical, as logical, at least before coming here. I guess to those without hearts, it must seem like I lead with mine.

“Logical, illogical, whatever. I don’t give a shit what I need to do to make it happen. I want my boyfriend to have a heart. You know, so I don’t look so completely pathetic, professing my undying love to him?” I raise an eyebrow. Luxord throws his head back, laughing. Clearly my feathers are the only ones that were ruffled.

“Now that is more up to speed with what I’d expect for you.” He nods. “Now, Rueki love, since you are loyal to boot, I come baring a…test so to speak for you.”

“Right, cuz that makes sense. Testing my loyalties when you guys literally have, on your side, the one person that I would do anything for. You’ve already got me, stop trying to push me.” I shake my head, running a hand back through my hair.

“While I may be very aware of that, I’m afraid there are those who aren’t and still see you as a liability.” Luxord draws a hand up to his chin. “Believe me, when I say, you are quite literally testing your limits, even being alive today.”

“Why? How fucking stupid, I’m helping.” I remind him. He puts his hands up in defense.

“No need to remind me.” He offers me a half smile. “It’s plain to see, you’d commit murder for VIII, if need be.” My stomach lurches and I have to force myself to draw in a breath that doesn’t shake and waver. Is this the test? Do they think I killed Zexion? Are they going to accuse me of unjustified murder since he wasn’t a traitor in the first place? With Axel gone, is Saix trying to use me as a scapegoat, to come out of this mess, smelling like roses?

Think logically, Rueki.

No one knows, nobody except me and Axel. He wouldn’t turn on me, not after everything he’s done to keep me alive. Nobody needs to know the truth, if I can just keep it together.

“So what more tests do I need to complete to get your boss off my back?” I ask, all sarcasm and annoyance and everything I am certain Luxord expects me to be. I just need to play the game until Axel gets his heart back, then all of this will be done.

“A mission. Recon.” Luxord says.

“I literally just went on a recon mission with Roxas yesterday.” I remind him.

“Perhaps this is better left to be shown, not told, hmm?” He tilts his head before standing and opening up a portal. I don’t like this, I want to ask about fifty thousand more questions, but I know none of them will be answered.

I follow Luxord through the darkness and am instantly met by a chill that is both hauntingly familiar and sharply foreign at the same time. I hug my hands around the top of my arms, rubbing up and down, in an attempt to heat myself up. I’m thankful, of course, for the Organization coat that keeps me warm, but hell, why couldn’t I have been sent on this mission with my human space heater?

Quickly, I pull the hood of my coat up. I don’t need anyone recognizing me, and here, someone might.

Transmute City.

It is exactly as cold, dark and dank as I remember it.

“Why are we here, Luxord?” I ask, watching out of the corner of my eye, as he follows my lead and puts his hood up.

“As I said, just some recon, Rueki love.” I grit my teeth and steal past him, angry, the hand that isn’t inside of Survivor balled into a fist. I don’t want to do recon here, I know everything there is to know about this world, and Xemnas is very aware of that, I am sure. I was there when the Keyhole was sealed, I was there through every Heartless attack, I know this town like the back of my hand. There’s no reason he couldn’t have just asked me anything he needed to know about this town. 

The icy wind bites my cheeks and my ungloved hand, but I quickly find cover inside of an accessory shop. The owner is a drunk, who seems to think that if he drinks enough booze, that a fire will start inside him and keep him warm through the cold. But he stocks his shelves well and is probably drunk enough that he won’t recognize me. 

The shop is delightfully warm, there’s a fire burning at the edge of the store, the familiarity of all of this is overwhelming. 

“Whatcha need?” The owner slurs at me from behind the counter. His name is Van, he’s an asshole.

“Potions and grenades.” I reply, not taking my hood off.

“Why don’t you take your coat off, girlie? Stay a while?” He teases.

“Why don’t you shove a cap up your own ass, you dirty pig.” I mutter.

“Wassat?” He asks me.

“Nothing.” I say flatly. Luxord strides in as I load a basket full of synthesis materials. He is quite literally vibrating, shaking cold from head to toe, and while I might normally be sympathetic, I’m pretty pissed at him.

“There two of you?” Van asks.

“There’s five of us. Stare at the door until the other three come in.” I grumble.

“Have you ever been informed that manners matter?” Luxord sighs as he closes in on me. “Really, you’re shopping in light of all of this?”

“Van’s an old, drunk prick. He won’t remember any of this shit tomorrow morning.” I wave my hand. “And yeah, I need to pick up more synthesis items. I ran out of a lot of things in Oblivion that I just haven’t gotten to stock up on until now. This is my version of retail therapy to avoid feeling my feelings.”

“When I mentioned manners, I was referring to the fact that you stomped off the second you realized where we were.” He whispers.

“That wasn’t stomping off, believe me, if I was throwing a tantrum, you’d know.” I inform him, though I don’t waste any time being polite to him. In fact, I push past him, to the counter and set my basket up on it.

“Something’s familiar bout you, girlie.” Van tells me.

“I’m your daughter, you keep forgetting to pay child support.” I deadpan. I am an absolute cunt sometimes.

“Doubt it. Got my boys snipped long before you were born.” He snorts. Because I really needed to know that.

“Can I just buy this?” He has won. This round. 

He rings me up and I set munny up on the counter. Luxord is once again at my shoulder. Just as Van finishes bagging up my items, the door opens. The little bell attached dings, though that isn’t the only musical sound. A woman or a girl giggles, a high pitched sound, full of life. Full of heart. I nearly melt at the tone, until I hear the voiced attached to it.

“Don’t be silly, Del!” Amaya’s hair is almost all the way down to her shoulders now. The scars on her body have settled into her skin and are now just little white lines, barely visible on her pale skin. She’s got a prosthetic arm. The shop must be doing well.

“C’mon, I could stand to learn a new skill! Alchemy’s not my strong suit, but it’s not like I can’t figure it out! I mean…especially now that. You know. We don’t have anyone to…” Del says and my stomach lurches as I realize he is talking about me. They don’t have an Alchemist at home because of me.

“Target acquired.” Luxord whispers.

“No.” I whisper back.

“Afraid so.” He takes hold of my arm. I can’t go anywhere, I know. I’m not stupid enough to believe that I can get out of this, but the very though of one of my friends being the reason for recon makes me sick. This is Xemnas’ test? This is the game he wants to play? He can go fuck himself. With quick movements, Luxord and I tuck into the corner of the store, as Luxord pretends to sift through what is in my bag. Del and Amaya walk straight past us and don’t even notice. Del lifts up a claw from the shelf. I contemplate throwing my shoe at him. That dumbass is going to get himself and Amaya blown up.

“We don’t need Alchemy. In case you missed it, the town is at peace. Besides, you know we can’t afford a claw like that. Not since we just bought my arm…” She sounds so miserable and downtrodden, like her having a second working arm is a bad thing, since Del can’t afford to shop.

I snort.

“I’m not doing this.” I whisper. Luxord doesn’t argue with me, but he also doesn’t remove his hand from my arm. “They’re good people.” 

“C’mon, Maya! You do so much at the shop, all I can do is the inventory, let me help out a little.” Del whines, as though spending an abundance of money on weaponry that he doesn’t need is somehow helpful.

“You do help out. Please, Del. Let’s just get a few things and go!” Amaya urges. This is followed by about fifteen minutes worth of Del, whining like a child, begging their parent for just one more toy. But to my shock, Amaya has grown far more stern since my departure. She is by no means as firm as she needs to be, but she holds her ground, I’m impressed. And devastated.

Not that they’re doing well without me, no, that is perfectly fine. In fact, despite the fact that I swore they’d go under without me, I am happy that they haven’t. We spent so much time together, the three of us. Laughing, playing, sharing every first in the book with one another. No matter what happened between us, I don’t think there will ever be a day that I cannot forgive them. Part of me wants to remove my hood and apologize to them, to tell them that I’m different now and that I really was a cold bitch, almost five months ago, when I left. But there’s another part of me, a stronger part, a smarter part, that understands just how wrong it would be to involve them in any of this.

They may be my age, but when I look back to who I was when I lived here, I was innocent, and I was least naïve of the bunch of us. To even apologize and catch them up on my life would mean involving them in this very dark world that I have found home in. They couldn’t handle it, not now, not ever. The darkness would eat them alive, and finding out that I shoulder it? That would devastate them. I truly have outgrown my friends…My family.

Which is all the more reason that I cannot do this. Xemnas wants to test me? Fine. I failed. My death would be better than knowing I was responsible for these people I have grown up with, losing their hearts.

“We’ve got to go.” I urge Luxord. “Please.” My voice is a little louder than I mean it to be. From the shelf that she and Del stand at, Amaya freezes. I swallow, dryly.

“What’s up, Maya?” Del asks, raising an eyebrow. Amaya looks around the room and then shakes her head.

“Nothing, I just thought I heard—” I don’t get a chance to hear what she thought she heard, though I already know the answer. Luxord finally concedes to my request and pulls me right out the door of the shop. 

“Which one?” I ask when the door is finally closed behind us.

“Delfinius.” He replies. I could sob. Not Del. Not sweet, simple, hero worshipping Del. Even without a heart, he would feel miserable, knowing that he had let the darkness win. I set a hand against my heart and suck in a shaky breath.

“Del is an idiot with a hero complex. He was more turned on by the Keyblade than me. He’s too foolish to be allowed to carry out missions on his own and could never do something he morally believed was wrong. You see how stubborn I am? That’s nothing on him, if you sent him after someone like Sora.” I say, in a tone carefully void of emotion. All of this might be true, but it isn’t the reason that I cannot let my friend be the person that the Organization aims to recruit next. Del deserves better than this. He may be everything I just told Luxord he was, but he’s also—

“Loyal, determined, lively and excitable.” Luxord reads from a note card and my stomach drops. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

“Where did you get that?” I choke.

“Let us not forget. It was not I who doubted your loyalty.” I want to accuse him of never giving me a straight answer, but then I realize, he is.

“You can tell your boss to shove it up his ass. Del wouldn’t make it through being taken by the darkness. He’s a good person.” Not an asshole like me. “It would kill him.”

Luxord looks at me, so sad, eyes so full of downright pity. I hate it. 

“I truly am amazed by the lengths a heart will go to mend itself.” He shakes his head. “You offer forgiveness so freely, and not only that, but defense. Even when your own life hangs in the balance.” 

“I’ve done a lot of shitty things that give me nightmares, already.” I sigh. “Things I never thought I would do and things I will never be the same because of. But they’re all things I can handle. I can handle being a little bit fucked up, and having to sleep with the light on like a damn child. But this? This is not something I can come back from.”

We stand there in silence for a moment, and I think that Luxord is right. My heart will go great lengths for forgiveness, because I find that I’m not even mad at him. Here, in the icy air, all of my grievances whip away in the wind. He’s my friend. And his boss is a dick. If I held every order Xemnas gave against the person told to carry it out, I surely wouldn’t be sleeping in the bed I am now.

“Let’s go back to the castle. I need to have words with Xemnas. And Saix.” I mutter.

“What leads you to believe Saix is involved?” Luxord asks and I raise an eyebrow.

“The chance to make me miserable? Even without a heart, I think he’d find a way to enjoy that.”

Luxord opens up a portal, and as we return to the castle, I feel the hate burning a hole into my heart. The anger I felt toward Luxord initially, the dismay I feel for Axel leaving me here alone, the annoyance I felt toward Van, all of it boils and centers, swirling in my mind, around Xemnas and Saix. They want to test me? Fine. Whatever it was that they were worried about, I’ll do. They’re afraid I will betray the Organization? That my heart will get in the way of meeting their goals? Let them fear it. And let them keep pushing me, because whatever they’re afraid that I’m going to do, they’re going to drive me to if they keep this up.

They lit me on fire and expected me to burn.

Instead, I will shoot off into the night like a firecracker. Bright, bold, loud, vibrant. 

Unstoppable.

“What the fuck was that about?” I scream as I throw open the double doors to the meeting room, Luxord at my heels, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. 

“Did I not say that this was a terrible idea?” He asks the two sitting on their thrones, having a special little meeting amongst the two of them—Saix and Xemnas. Good, two birds with one stone, just as I planned.

“You were sent on a very simple reconnaissance mission. If that is not something you can handle, then perhaps—” But I don’t let Saix finish.

“You leave my mother fucking family out of this!” I roar, eyes deadly slits as I stare up at him in his chair. The hand not encased in Survivor is balled up into a fist, so tight that I can feel my cracked knuckles start to bleed.

“Are you suddenly not an orphan from Transmute City?” Xemnas asks.

“You’re not fucking dumb, you know what I meant. I was raised with Del and Amaya, they’re good people. I might have stumbled into this shit hole, but you leave them the fuck out of this!” I bark.

“I was under the impression that these two ‘betrayed’ you, which was how you stumbled into this world.” Saix regards me with an icy smirk across his lips.

“It doesn’t matter what they ‘did’ to me, they weren’t trying to hurt me, they’re good people! You wanna do recon on them? Del is too dumb to tie his own shoes and Amaya is a pushover who almost got killed in a Heartless attack. You want badass members that will have strong enough hearts to handle the darkness? It’s not them. Leave them the fuck alone. This is the last time I’m asking.” I hiss. And yeah, maybe what I said about them was cruel, but I’m not an idiot. Xemnas needs the strong, to handle what he has in store and my friends, or former friends or whatever the hell they are, will only get hurt in the crossfire. “You wanna test my loyalty? You tested that shit when you tried to have me killed in Oblivion. I snooped on Larxene and Marluxia, you’re welcome. I pushed Sora further toward Naminé, and he’s my friend too. You’ve got me on your fucking leash, you’ve got Axel! That’s all you need. He wants his heart, I want it too, you don’t need to persuade me further, I’m on your side!”

“Perhaps.” Xemnas says with a shrug. “Though, perhaps you are still weak when it comes to matters of the heart.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean.”

“It means regard your superiors with some sense of dignity, girl.” Saix hisses.

“Go to hell, you piece of fuck!” I sneer, and now, Luxord intercedes. He grabs my shoulders and draws me back. “Piss off! You knew about this.”

“I was doing my job, as instructed Rueki. We never had any intention to unleash the darkness on your friends. It was merely a test, nothing more.” He assures, though the look in Saix’s eyes tells me otherwise. Whether Luxord was informed or not… I sincerely do not know.

“Yeah, somehow I think you’re the only one who thinks it’s ‘just a test’.” I angle myself a little more in Luxord’s direction, whether or not he’s a prick he’s still the closest thing I have to an ally in this room.

“It shouldn’t matter what the order was. If you expect to be kept alive to serve this Organization, when our Superior jumps, you say ‘how high’.” Saix informs me, with an air that can only be described as self righteous. I want to wipe it off his face so bad.

“Have fun getting your heart back, you prick. Really. Cuz once you get it back, you’re going to have burned every single fucking bridge you’ve ever created.” I snort. 

“Such wise words, from the woman intent to give her heart to a man without one.” Saix rolls his eyes.

“It’s really cute how jealous you are. Maybe if you weren’t so busy choking on Xemnas’ dick, you and Axel could talk about your feelings.” I smile, pettily at him. A fire burns beneath his eyes and for a second, I think I have won.

“This is enough, Rueki. We should go.” Luxord tries, and I do consider it. I’m about ready to follow him out when—

“I wonder if Amaya will scream when I carve the heart out of her chest.” Saix leers.

I rip past Luxord’s grasp and lose sight of any and everything logical. I grab a brand new grenade out of my pocket and rip my arm back, sending it flying through the air at Saix. His eyes go wide and he just manages to teleport away as the explosion detonates. My ears ring, suddenly, he’s on the floor in front of me. I let out a cry as I go sprinting at him, Survivor ready. Before I can land a blow, a Claymore—a beast of a blade, materializes in Saix’s hand and he smashes it into me, sending me straight across the room. I soar through the air and my back smashes into one of the thrones. Pain shoots from head to toe and I feel it throbbing in my spine.

The explosion from the grenade seems to have attracted some attention. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Demyx move so fast, but both he and Xigbar are standing at the doorway.

“Haha! Looks like we got here just as things were getting good.” Xigbar chuckles. I right myself and sprint back toward Saix.

“Pathetic, can barely take a hit.” He sneers.

“Let’s see how good you can take one!” At the last second, I throw myself to the ground, on my back. Momentum drags me the rest of the way forward and I crash into VII, like a bowling ball, knocking him straight to the ground. My recovery time is faster, I hop up and stomp my boot into his chest. Which, of course, only gives him he chance to grab my ankle and flip me over onto the ground. My skull reels with the impact. He stands, drawing his Claymore above his head before smashing it down. I roll away, just in time. I can feel the impact of the weapon on the ground beside me. A dent is left, a crater in the otherwise pristine floor. I leap to my feet and pummel straight into him, keeping the distance between us to a minimum. His weapon is much larger than mine, I just can’t let him get enough space to swing on me. 

As quick as I can, before he has the chance to teleport half way across the room, I punch, kick, smack, claw, I do anything I can land a blow on him. He grunts and huffs with every hit, before finally, my stamina starts to decline. I’m tried, getting knocked half way cross the room didn’t feel fantastic, and he capitalizes on that. He teleports far enough away so that he can slam his Claymore into me. And though my reflexes don’t fail me, I jump back just far enough to get smacked in the mouth by the heavy side of his blade.

I feel my jaw dislocate. I hit the ground, mouth slightly parted.

Oh fuck.

Dammit.

I know how to pop my jaw back into socket, but this is going to hurt like a son of a bitch.

“Are you done?” He looks at me smugly. With the heel of my hand, I push my jaw, gently, gently, until a blinding pain takes my breath away. I wiggle my jaw slowly around, having now set it back in place.

“Brave of you to assume I know my limits.” I push myself off of my feet.

“If you insist on being a glutton for punishment, I am all too happy to deliver.” He replies.

“Whatever, it’s your boss’s floor.” I go sprinting at him again, but this time a pair of small, but surprisingly strong arms lock around me. I kick, trying to force the bearer to let go of me, but they don’t.

“Rueki, you’re going to get hurt!” Roxas’ voice is at my ear and he tightens his arms further around me. 

“Little late for that, kid.” I murmur.

“Please!” He begs. But Saix looks so smug.

“I’m going to fucking kill him.” I snarl.

Xemnas decides that now is an appropriate time to teleport down here with the rest of us peasants. I look around to see that not only has Roxas arrived, but along with the initial duo of Xigbar and Demyx, Xaldin and Xion have arrived as well. Barring Axel, this means I have caused enough of a scene to lure all of the living members of the Organization into one room. Whether this is a blessing or a curse is still to be determined.

“Friends, comrades!” Xemnas holds his hands up. “Look not upon this scene with discomfort or discord. Look for inspiration! How long have you hung your heads, searching for reasons to carry on with our great cause? How long have you dwelled on what you lack, rather than looking toward what you may obtain? Look no further than our dear, Rueki. Have the likes of any of us seen such impassioned combat since losing our hearts? When the void in your chests leaves you hollow, remember not, the dull ache, but think of the rage, of the fire that burns within a heart. Strive to attain it.” 

“Go to hell, this is not a teaching moment.” I spit, thrashing once more in Roxas’ arms. He chose a hell of a time to intercede. 

“What, then, would you care to call this?” Xemnas takes a step closer to Roxas and I. I grit my teeth.

“Bullshit. You sent me to my home world to recruit my ex, so that you could feel good, like you put me in my place.” I growl.

“We sent you out to test your loyalties, as promised by your dear friend Luxord. Or does he no longer have your trust?” Xemnas leans in. My eyes harden.

“It’s not him that I have trust issues with.” I mutter.

“And of course, you passed our test. Coming back here and giving us a list of reasons as to why he and your friend Amaya were unsuited to become members of the Organization. We never intended to recruit your old friends. We needed to prove you understood just how dire our cause was.” Xemnas insists, mostly to just not look like a raging cocksucker to everyone in the room. Although each and every one of them lack the heart to feel sympathy for me. I begin to understand just why he let my fight with Saix raise hell, why he gathered everyone in here. I have been played, used and now, if I dare to disagree, I will be made to look like a fool. No one here has a heart to guide their conscience, no one here will choose heart over head. For as heated as I may get, Xemnas is smart and he will find a way to twist my words in the extreme.

There is no winning this battle for me.

And was it ever a battle in the first place? Or was it simply a sly ploy, a way to show not just me, but every member in the Organization that resistance is futile, rebellion will be snuffed out and free thinking is a fool’s errand? This was a way for them to show that they own even me.

I want to say something, anything to retaliate, but every time I open my mouth, all I can think is ‘how is he going to skew my words’. At least if I shut the fuck up, I can stay true to myself.

Axel would be proud.

“I’m never fucking going to Transmute City again.” I spit, before tearing free from Roxas’ grip and stomping out of the room.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas! Enjoy this double update, aka a normal length chapter and then one so long that it could be two long ass chapters.

XXVII.

I am not a damsel in distress. I am not codependent. I am not delicate. So when two weeks passes and Axel has still not returned home, I don’t want to panic. I don’t intend to. Whatever, he’s a big boy and I’m an adult, we can function without each other for a little while. I am certain there will be plenty more situations like this, where one of us has to go away on business for the Organization, until he gets his heart back, and that’s fine. I didn’t sign up for any of this, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t live with it. Everything is fine.

I don’t mean to panic, but I do. 

It starts with a nightmare. Of course it fucking does.

Axel stands within the pristine, white confines of Castle Oblivion, as flames lick at his being and darkness starts to consume him. Just like it did with Zexion, I watch his limbs disappear in a cloud of inky blackness. As the darkness starts to wash over his face, I can make out the saddest smile.

“But you’re alive.” He whispers as he fades into nothingness. 

This one doesn’t wake me up screaming. No, fortunately, all I do is hyperventilate, my head between my knees, the heels of my hands slammed into my temples as I try to center myself. It doesn’t take terribly long. I can still smell him on the sheets.

The second time it hits me, I am on a mission with Demyx. And by mission, I mean we are at the base of the Castle, fighting off Heartless. We laugh and poke fun at each other, me throwing grenades over my head and toward a cluster of Heartless at the back. This is something he and I have done several times since I got back from Castle Oblivion, several times since Axel left on his mission. This is nothing out of the ordinary. And yet, as a Neo Shadow comes barreling toward me, I swear I see Zexion’s face on it. I shriek and hit the ground, my legs giving out completely beneath me. It claws its way toward me, a menacing grin stretching across its demented features. For a moment, I fear that this is the end. That my actions have finally caught up to me, and I will not make it. Zexion is finally back for revenge. I cover my face with my arms, but, just as quickly as the panic hits, Demyx knocks his Sitar into the Neo Shadow and it dissolves above me. 

My eyes are wide, my pupils pinpricks as I uncover my face. My heart hammers, pounding all the way up to my temples and, try as I may, I cannot seem to catch my breath.

In the rain, I don’t know if I am crying or not and perhaps that is a good thing.

“I’m sorry.” I pant, voice weak and ragged. “I didn’t mean to…I—” Another shadow comes crawling toward us, and this time, I have enough clarity to throw a grenade at it. My throat constricts, even as I stand on my wobbly legs. Demyx has the good sense to help me to my feet, his eyes soft as he looks at me.

“When did you start having panic attacks?” His voice is soft over the sound of the pouring rain. I slash into a Heartless, he stomps his foot and shoots a spike of water out of the ground.

“Oblivion.” Is the one word I say. His mouth is a hard line.

“What the hell happened to you in there, Rueki?” He asks. I choke on a bitter laugh.

“You don’t need to pretend you care.” I offer.

“I used to have them all the time. When I had a heart.” He confesses. “My friends and I were part of this stupid band. Aquatica.”

“No fucking way.” I snort.

“Yes fucking way.” He grins, suddenly a lot more full of smiles, like normal. There was so much under the surface with Axel, I think I forgot, he’s not the only multifaceted Nobody in the bunch. “I played guitar. I had really bad anxiety about it for a long time though. Like I wasn’t good enough or they could find a better guy for the job, that I just wasn’t cut out for this life.” He rubs the back of his neck with a gloved hand as he sends out some water clones.

“What helped it?” I ask. He chuckles.

“A lot of beer before the show.” 

We laugh the rest of the time we are outside. I don’t feel substantially better, but I feel distracted. Demyx keeps me talking through the afternoon and in the evening, I chatter unimportantly, without rhyme or reason at Xion and Roxas. I can tell neither of them know what to make of how over the top I’m being, but I feel that if I slow down, I am going to crash to a halt.

I don’t sleep that night.

I’m exhausted, but I’m still hanging on to reality, even if it’s by a thread.

\--

I go two days before my body says ‘fuck you’ and I fall into a deep sleep. I remember reading somewhere that supposedly your body needs to dream, there’s no known reason for it, but it needs to. And when you are deprived of sleep, your body will try to compensate by sending you immediately into that REM cycle. I remember all of this, but I am cocky. Or careless. I think that sleep is a problem for future Rueki and that as long as I don’t fall into it, I am safe.

Del strokes my cheek with a long black claw. His eyes glow yellow, his entire body twitches and convulses while darkness courses through him.

“Finally, we match.” He tells me before stabbing his claw into my heart. 

I jolt up, shrieking, hands white knuckled as I grip the covers. My eyes are wild, my throat is raw. I look around the room desperately, trying to figure out where he disappeared to, what corners of the room he is hiding in. Even with the lights on, I see shapes playing in the shadows of the dresser, the closet, even the closed door seems to be casting darkness with its presence. The breaths I take are short and shallow and do nothing for me. I cycle oxygen faster than I can process it. My vision goes spotty, my head is so light, and that scares me even more. If I pass out, will I dream? 

I swear I see creatures form in the shadows and I don’t mean to, but I scream again and again.

I don’t hear a knock on the door, I don’t hear the commotion outside, but suddenly I see a portal to darkness. I hide my face in my hands, as death, I’m sure, has finally come for me. 

A pair of arms encloses me. They’re warm, but not warm the way I hope for. 

“It’s okay.” Roxas breathes, wrapping me in a tight hug. I look up to him with wild eyes.

“I’m so sorry.” I whisper. Not to him though, to Sora. I grab his face in my hands and pull him forward with such an urgency that it shocks even me. His eyes go wide as our foreheads touch and I look at him, searching those big blue eyes for forgiveness. Or blame.

Instead, he just looks at me with confusion. I doubt he even knows what I’m going through, and here I am, millimeters away from a kid that wouldn’t know how to help me if I taught him myself. Slowly, with shaking hands, I draw away from him.

“Sorry. That was weird, I didn’t mean to.” I shake my head.

“It’s okay.” Roxas said. “Demyx said you were having a panic attack.” 

“I woke Demyx up?” I sigh, running a hand back through my hair. 

“You actually woke the entire castle up.” Roxas says, with a knitted brow.

“Of course I did.” I groan.

“Saix was knocking on your door. I don’t know what he planned to do, but he looked mad. No one else would do anything though, so I opened up a portal. I didn’t think he’d probably help you too much.” Roxas informs me.

“Yeah, I probably would’ve punched him.” But my effort at bravado feels weak at best. I lean forward, setting my head down on Roxas’ shoulder. Our knees bump. He sets his hands on my back and pats it. A very ‘there, there’, gesture, but it’s something, which is nice.

“Rueki, why do you have these things?” He asks me. I snort.

“Because the universe hates me and wants to punish me for being such a sarcastic bitch?” I try. 

“I think you’re being sarcastic now.” Roxas says, and I can tell, he genuinely wants clarity. I smile, in spite of myself.

“I think the technical reasoning behind all of this is that my body doesn’t understand anymore, whether it needs to go into fight or flight mode or not. So instead of being able to rationalize and realize I’m not actually in danger, my brain and body both kind of lose it until something centers me.” I confess, figuring the scientific way of breaking it down is what will make the most sense to somebody that doesn’t have a heart. It will also probably traumatize this fourteen year old a lot less than telling him I murdered someone and am afraid to watch my loved ones fall to the darkness.

“But what happened? I don’t remember this before you left for Castle Oblivion.” Roxas tries. I sigh into his shoulder.

“Do you remember much from then?” I ask.

“Yeah. I remember everything since Xion showed up. I didn’t completely know what was going on, but I remember everything.” I feel him nod. “I don’t remember you screaming and having nightmares, I just remember you screaming at Axel.”

“I’ll probably do plenty of that when he gets back, don’t worry.” And that’s when the worry creeps into my head…

If he comes back.

I chomp down on the inside of my cheek so hard that I taste blood instantly. I must be shaking a little because I feel Roxas hug me tighter.

“This is right, right?” He asks. “I see Axel do this for you when you’re upset.” 

“Yeah, this is how you comfort a friend, kiddo.” I nod. 

“Is this what you need…or?”

“This is fine.” I insist. “You’re a pretty damn good friend, kid.”

“Has this gotten worse for you, with Axel being gone?” He asks. I smile sadly. This poor kid just wants to figure it out, and it’s sad, because I’m a mess, but I am the only one here who can teach him about human interactions. I’m the only one who can show him what it’s like to have a heart. He may think that he needs me, but the joke is on him. I’m the one who needs him.

I do certainly find it ironic that when I first arrived here I wanted to gag at the thought of teenage Sora running to my rescue. Now, his Nobody is, without a doubt, my hero.

“A lot worse.” I say. “I just want him to come back.”

“Me too, I miss him.” Roxas says. Finally, I draw away from him, allowing him a moment’s reprieve. I do, however, keep my hand on his wrist, hoping that this tiny bit of contact keeps me tethered to reality. “It’s not the same, just the three of us. I’m sure he’ll be back soon.” Though the undying optimism doesn’t suit Roxas quite the same as it does Sora. I don’t believe it, at least not fully.

“Yeah.” I say anyway, because what good would it voice my worries to him? He has already helped me enough, already shouldered enough. 

“And then we can go back to how it’s supposed to be.” Roxas nods. And in a move that I think is so sweet that my heart leaps, he frees his wrist from my hand, only to squeeze it, reassuringly. For not having a heart, and not knowing what to do, this kid has a lot of good in him. Once he figures out how to tap into it, I have a feeling this Organization will be more worried about his rebellion than mine.

“Right. Ice cream, sunsets.” I agree.

“And no more nightmares for you.” He smiles softly at me, a quiet light shining in his blue eyes.

I am silent for a moment, this kid has done the unthinkable. He has rendered me utterly speechless. I catch myself laughing ever so slightly.

“Are you sure you don’t have a heart, kid?”

I don’t ask him to stay with me for the rest of the night. I absolutely wouldn’t. He’s far too young for me to lean on, far to innocent to bear the burden of the things I have done that have gotten me here. 

I don’t ask, but he does. He stays awake with me, telling me stories of dreams he has. 

About islands, star shaped fruit and girls with pretty, red hair.

\--

Luxord and I play chess. He doesn’t talk much, instead, he just looks at me the way someone may look at an animal that they cannot adopt, but wish they could. I know I’m not imagining this, because he lets me win. 

“Check mate it is then. I suppose my luck had to run out at some time.” Luxord shrugs.

“Dude, come on.” I roll my eyes. “I’m not that stupid.”

“Oh, now? I suppose that depends on who you ask. Your very dear friend Saix seems to think otherwise.” I know Luxord is just trying to get a reaction out of me. I sincerely doubt that I even cross Saix’s thoughts unless he is thinking of things that irritate him.

“He can eat my ass.” I toss my hair over my shoulder. “Someone might as well. Is this what it feels like, being one of you guys and literally never getting laid?”

“Has anyone ever informed you how well spoken and charming you are?” He teases.

“All the time. Just like I’m patient and emotionally stable.” I nod. “Let’s play again.”

“About that…” He begins as we reset the board.

“Are you here to deliver a message from the great and powerful Superior again, that I need to stop disturbing the castle with my emotions?” I raise an eyebrow.

“What? No, quite the opposite, love. I’m here to speak with you for myself.” He says. I stare up at him with raised eyebrows.

“This isn’t you.” I say. He cracks a little half smile.

“Right you are. However, I feel like someone of your…heart bearing status would expect an apology. About the mission to Transmute City. It was purely business, Rueki.” He assures me. 

“I honestly haven’t thought about being pissed at you since that day, I promise.” I insist.

“Now that is not like you.” He chuckles. “It seems quite in your nature to hold grudges, I must say.”

“Maybe hanging out with a bunch of children has made me go soft.” I shrug, though I am well aware that it is not the case. Pissy as I may get, Luxord was right about the lengths my heart is willing to go to forgive. 

“Mustn’t have that.” He grins, wickedly. “Never you fear though, I’m sure the next time you get sent out on Heartless detail with the Nocturne, you’ll remember how to be a proper villain. Scowling and all.”

“I’m not like you guys, Luxord.” I remind him, my eyes hard as I stare down at the chess board.

“Yes, it would appear…” He sighs. “Rueki, love, you do know he’s coming back, right?” 

Of course, leave it up to a man to think my only concern is that my boyfriend isn’t coming back. Ugh, that isn’t fair. I’m not mad at Luxord, and even if I were, it still wouldn’t be fair. He doesn’t have the heart to understand how much of an idiot he is being. Plus, I really do miss Axel.

“You know, the more I hear that, the more I start to wonder if you guys are blowing smoke up my ass.” I shrug. “But let’s not talk about that, let’s talk about the fact that you apologized? What is that, man? Maybe you’re the one going soft.”

“Oh, I assure you, it was purely out of self preservation. You are quite frightening when you’re in a particular mood.” He laughs, and with that, we play and he brushes my anxieties away. I can’t decide if it’s nicer spending time with him or Roxas. Roxas, who cares about my heart and handles my feelings gently, with care. Or Luxord, who has completely forgotten that I have them and doesn’t force me to feel them.

\--

“Rueki, your ice cream is melting!” Sora grabs my wrist and I choke on the air I breathe, scooting back. Suddenly, Sora’s face morphs into Xion’s. I set a hand on my heart.

“Fuck. Sorry, Xion. I swear, one of these days I’ll be less weird.” When Axel comes home. I really hate to think of myself as someone who needs a savior, and maybe I don’t, but damn, I think I might be able to sleep without having nightmares once again, when his arms are around me.

“Rueki…” Roxas looks at me, brow knit together. “How long has it been since you slept?”

“I dunno?” Three days? Four? The shadows start to creep at the edges of everything, especially in this twilit world that seems on the cusp of teetering over the edge, either into darkness or light at any given point in time. They creep, but they do not consume. I worry that the second I shut my eyes, they will devour me. 

“Rueki, you need to sleep.” Xion insists, and I catch myself getting annoyed. Like I don’t know that. I really don’t want to be lectured by a fourteen year old girl with all of the personality of a wet mop.

“Oh fuck off.” I snap, and instantly regret it. Xion does not have the personality of a wet mop. She’s sweet and shy and so much like Amaya that it makes my heart hurt. And I definitely shouldn’t have told her to fuck off. I am so irritable and miserable, but I am so afraid of what is going to happen the second I take a breather. Maybe it’s better like this, safer even, to push everyone away. After all, my heart was certainly in a lot better shape and my thoughts were far clearer when even my closest friends regarded me as an ice cold bitch. I look to Roxas and Xion and for a second, I see them as Del and Amaya, and it’s not hard. Roxas with his golden hair and his conventionally good looks, Xion with choppy black hair and the sweetest smile.

Wait—

Since when has Xion’s hair been short and dark? I could have sworn that she was fair haired and looked eerily like Naminé? And yet, as I look at her again, I wonder if this entire time she has had short, dark hair. It seems to suit her but…

Am I losing my mind?

“I’m sorry guys.” I sigh. I really wish I could stop saying this. I wonder if perhaps I mix a sleeping draught, if it’ll knock me out for the night? Of course, I’ll still have miserable nightmares, I am sure, but maybe this way I’ll stay asleep instead of waking up when things take a turn for the worst. After all, it’s not like my dreams can actually kill me, right? “Could one of you open up a portal for me, I really should just try to sleep.”

“Rueki, we can come with you, if you think having us in the room might help you sleep.” Roxas offers, and I think this is how you know you’ve hit rock bottom—when a child offers to watch out for monsters while you sleep.

“That’s right, we’re you’re friends, Rueki. Axel said friends have to lean on each other sometimes, you can lean on us.” Xion’s utter sweetness takes me so off guard, I do what I always do when something makes me feel this vulnerable. I deflect.

“You can’t blame me for wanting to give our resident, young and in love couple some privacy.” I wink and it is utterly lost on the two of them.

“What? We’re not a couple.” Xion wrinkles her nose.

“Don’t you need to have a heart to be in love?” Roxas asks me. I heave a sigh.

“It was a joke, it’s funny. It’s okay, you can laugh.” I mutter. “Open a portal.”

He does, but I don’t go to sleep, like I swear I will. Instead, I lay in bed, on my back, staring blankly up at the ceiling until I hear thirteen doors close. I begin to ponder why there are doors here in the first place, since everyone can teleport. I begin to wonder many useless things like that, until finally I resolve to go another night without sleep and wander over to the lounge area. Luxord has left a deck of cards out on the end table. I take a seat on the couch and contemplate playing solitaire to pass the time. That is as far as I get before sleep finally claims me.

I am a child, I am helpless. I run through the streets of a world that I cannot see. Everything is black, but I hear destruction around me. Chaos, screaming. I don’t know what I am running from, all I know is that I need to move fast. I see a flickering of light at the end of my road and I will myself to move faster. The light is within reach, I move my hand out to grasp it, when something knocks me to the ground. A Neo Shadow looms over me, blood dripping from its claws. Before it descends, Axel steps in front of me. I watch him slump over as his beating heart is torn from his chest.

I watch the life drain from his eyes as he whispers “and they said I’d make it back, no problem.”

I wake up screaming. My back spasms from the position I was in on the couch and the tears have begun flowing, violently. I don’t even get to put a lid on how absolutely pathetic I am. My heart wrenches in my chest, even as I try to breathe, my exhales come out in shrieks.

Having forgotten completely that I am in a public room, I am thrown as Roxas comes sprinting in to the room, wearing pajama shorts and a T-shirt.

“Rueki! I came as fast as I could.” He’s on the couch in seconds, beside me, as is Xion, who looks bleary eyed and half dead.

“What’s happening, are you okay?” She whispers, rubbing her eyes. 

But I can’t answer, my entire being is so stricken, it’s all I can do to just shake and whimper as I bite my lip to quell the shrieking. But the damage is done. Xaldin teleports into the room.

“Such racket is useless!” He informs me, as though I wasn’t already aware of this.

“Jeez, Rueki, what’s… oh? You got this, Roxas?” Demyx asks, rubbing his eyes as he teleports in.

“Damn, kids.” Xigbar pops in. “Some of us have to be up for an early mission, can’t we all just hit the hay?”

“I see everyone else had the same idea.” Luxord smiles haphazardly as he appears… Everyone is here.

Well, everyone except for…

Saix.

But of course I cannot be that lucky. The second he’s in the room, I’m on my feet, my body still trying to debate between fight or flight. His face is twisted into the nastiest snarl I can imagine, as he steps closer to me.

“If it were apparent that you were going to scream like a lunatic, you would’ve been sent to Castle Oblivion instead.” Saix hisses and I cannot help it. My muscles are tense, my body is still on high alert. I take one step toward him, I watch everyone in the room shift, defensively. I take a breath and spit in Saix’s face. 

Before I can even process what is happening, Roxas is standing, his arm around my middle as he pulls me back, just in time for me to watch Saix’s hands close around where my throat was less than a second ago. Luxord suddenly stands in between the group of us, hands up as he faces Saix.

“Now, VII, was it not our wise Superior who told us it was best not to be stirred by the girl’s emotions, hm? To remain stoic, as she is clearly a slave to her own feelings and is not quite stable?” Luxord sets his hands on Saix’s shoulders.

“Oh no, I’m stable. Fight me, mother fucker. You wanna piss me off? Do it, I fucking dare you!” I snap. Roxas pulls me back further, Saix snaps forward and is barely yielded by Luxord’s best efforts.

“This is not helping matters, Rueki!” Luxord clips.

“Come on, Rueki, you’re going to get killed. Just come sleep in my room, you can take the bed and I’ll—” Roxas begins.

“There’s an invitation you can’t resist. Crawling into the bed of another. Disloyalty must be a trait you and Axel share.” Saix hisses. I notice from behind him, how incredibly full the moon is starting to look. I realize now that I never asked Luxord quite what Saix having control over the moon did to his power, but I don’t quite give a shit. I’m tired, I’m cranky and I’m pissed at hell at his insinuation. I dig an elbow into Roxas and use the moment that he winces in pain to leap at Saix. Roxas catches the top of my legs before I can get much height though, and throws me back, with all of his might.

“Roxas!” Xion scolds, fluttering over to where I am now, having toppled over the back of the couch. “Are you alright?” She asks me, helping me to my feet.

“Unable to take a hit but still so intent on starting the fight.” Saix scoffs. I take off my shoe and throw it at his face. 

The air stills in the room. Demyx chokes on an uncomfortable noise. Luxord stands down and I don’t blame him, because within a second, Saix shoves Roxas to the ground and quite literally has the couch in the air. He swings it like a baseball bat, directly into me. 

I don’t know how Xion managed to not get into the crosshairs, but I am thankful. Because I hurt in ways I do not think I have ever hurt before. The impact has completely stolen my breath, my head throbs hard and deep. The pain shoots down my spine, and were it not for the lurching of my limbs, I would be worried that I have lost the ability to use them.

Berserk.

That’s what the moon does to him. Fuck.

I wheeze, even as he stomps back closer to me. The couch is back on the ground, but his weapon is now at hand. Before I can even think to move, Roxas is standing right in front of me, his Keyblade now materialized.

“Leave her alone.” He narrows his eyes. I want to yell at him to not play a hero, but I can barely breathe. With shaky hands, I reach into my pocket. Xion quickly scrambles back over to me, seeming to understand what I’m doing. She tilts my head up with her delicate hands as I tip a potion back into my mouth. I swallow heavily, but am actually able to sit up now.

“You’ve no need to meddle in this, Keybearer.” Saix’s eyes sear into me. It looks like his fit of Berserk didn’t last long, because now he can control his own actions. I choke briefly on the thought of what he would be capable of under a full moon.

Fine, if this is how I’ve got to go, at least when Axel gets back there will be plenty of witnesses to guilt him. I have certainly reached the level of pettiness where I would be okay dying out of spite.

Before I can make another comment that will likely get me killed, though, Xemnas appears.

“What is the reason for commotion at this hour?” As I turn to reply to him, I am stopped in my tracks. 

I’m not sure what it is that get me, the slippers with fuzzy little Shadow heads on them, the black sleep mask resting on his forehead or the black robe with ‘world’s best boss’ embroidered into the breast pocket, but I completely lose it. 

Xion catches my head, seeming quite worried as I throw it back in a fit of giggles.

“Oh my—fuck!” I laugh wildly, hysterically, without any sense of self control. 

It isn’t long before Xigbar follows behind me and Demyx behind him. Suddenly Xaldin, Roxas, Xion—even Saix are fighting back laughter.

Xemnas isn’t the hero I need, but I suppose he’s the one I deserve.

\--

I wake up on the couch with a hot palm resting against my cheek. My eyes fly open. I didn’t even have time to dream yet.

“Hey, beautiful.” Axel is kneeling on the ground, looking at me with tired eyes and more wrinkles on his forehead than I remember.

“You’re home.” I breathe.

“I know, I know, took me long enough.” He offers a grin that looks incredibly forced. I wonder if perhaps whatever has happened at Castle Oblivion in this past month has left Axel as careworn as me. 

“You can say that again.” I mutter.

“You wanna tell me why you’re sleeping on the couch?” He asks.

“There’s a science to it.” I inform him.

“I’m sure there is.” 

“If I lay down out here, it’s uncomfortable, right? Not the normal bed I’m used to. Which means, I don’t sleep. I just toss and turn most of the night, but hey, it gives me something to do. And, on the rare occasion that I do sleep, I’m either so uncomfortable that I wake up repeatedly before dreaming, or I just end up having nightmares like normal. Regardless, I’ve reduced my nightmare percentage by like…eighty.” I explain, as though it is the most sensical thing in the world. Axel somehow looks even more tired than before.

“Sweetheart, how much sleep have you been getting?” He sighs.

“Probably like two, three hours a night? On average, calculating into it the nights that I don’t sleep.” I think.

“Dammit, Rueki.” He breathes.

“How did you know to find me out here?” I ask.

“When you weren’t in our bed, I came looking for you.” He says, and I delight in how he says ‘our’ bed. Because that’s how it should be. “Roxas heard me walking around and thought it was you, he was worried you were having a panic attack or something. Kid’s developed a hell of a defensive streak when it comes to you.”

“Well if you ask your boyfriend, it’s because Roxas and I are fucking now.” I roll my eyes. He raises an eyebrow before he seems to put the pieces together.

“How many times did you and Saix get into it, Rueki?” He asks.

“Only twice.” But that seems to be too many in his book.

“Please explain to me, did I not stress enough the lengths I have gone to, to keep you alive? Because you seem to be doing a pretty shit job at making that worth something.” He grumbles, sounding more agitated than anything. Well the joke is on him if he thinks that he can out bitch me.

“Was that the goal in leaving me here for a month without you? Because if it was, that was shit planning on your part, asshole, not mine.” I snap.

“Oh, so it’s my fault that you have no self control?” He snorts.

“He hit me with a couch!” I snap.

“I’m sure you did nothing to instigate it.” He rolls his eyes.

“Oh fuck you. Why don’t you curl up with him if you’re going to take his side. I’ve found a way to cope just fine without you.” I tear away from him and turn over onto my side.

“I’ve had a long fucking month, Rueki.” Axel mutters.

“Join the fucking club. I've been having panic attacks pretty much non stop since you left. I can't close my eyes without seeing something horrific behind them. So please, go on thinking I spent my days eating ice cream and goofing off with a bunch of teenagers. I love when you act like I’m unimportant for having feelings.” I shake my head.

“And I love when you throw them in my face!” He snaps. I freeze. He heaves a giant sigh and grabs my shoulder. “Rueki, I didn’t mean that.” 

I don’t say anything in return.

“It’s been a really long month baby, can we please just go to bed? We can fight about this in the morning, I just want to fall asleep with you.” His lips are suddenly at my ear. 

“Okay.” Without another word, he scoops me into his arms and starts to carry me to bed. I forgot how warm he is, how safe everything feels with him. “I missed you.” I finally say as we get to our room.

“I missed you too.” He kisses my forehead.

I sleep better than I have all month.  
 


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, hey, here's a fucking beast of a chapter. Thanks for all of the kudos and reviews guys! Keep on letting me know which parts you like, which you don't, what you want out of this story. Yeah, I've got everything mapped out, but your reviews help me know which scenes to include more of and which you could do without! Everyone, enjoy your holidays!!!

XXVIII.

I wake up with Axel’s hard cock pressed against my ass. He is so warm, I feel as though my body is melting into him. This is euphoria.

“Good morning.” I murmur.

“Good morning yourself.” He nips at my ear. “Was hoping you’d be up soon.”

“I see you already are.” I grind my ass into him. I feel him smile against my skin.

“I didn’t get the chance, last night, to show you how much I missed you.” He reminds me, his fingers staring to work at unzipping my shorts. A bustier and high waisted shorts may not be the most comfortable thing to sleep in, but that was kind of the point. Up until now, now when I actually have someone who helps keep me tethered and sane. 

“Maybe you should now.” I reach around to unzip my top and shrug it off. As I do, he catches my hand and pulls it to his erection. Either he was cognitive enough to take his clothes off before he fell asleep last night, or he woke up all too eager this morning. Regardless, I don’t care, I just savor the feeling of my palm wrapped around his length.

“Yeah, I was thinking about it.” Is all he offers, as he starts to help me out of my shorts. It’s a difficult rhythm to keep up, stroking his shaft, pumping my hand up and down his cock, while kicking off the rest of my clothes, but it’s a challenge I’m more than up to.

“Mmm, think harder.” Is my reply. His lips descend onto my neck, teeth scraping my sensitive skin. I choke, he grins, wicked and wild. Long fingers trace my stomach and dip down low, brushing so delicately against my clit. My hips shift, bucking into his touch as I work his cock, my thumb brushing across the slit of his head, lubricating my hand with precum. He bites and sucks down my neck, my shoulders, the tops of my arms. I swear there’s an art in how he teases my clit, the tips of his fingers circling it ever so gently, making my entire body beg for more. 

I feel his fingers draw away from me, and though I want to whine in protest, I am not given the chance. He flips my onto my back, my hand falling away from his cock. My eyes go wide as he hovers over me, grinning like the devil himself. My heart races. My man, my love. He stretches long over me, hands sliding up my body, into mine. He laces his fingers through mine as he lines himself up and slips into me. I sigh, eyes fluttering back at how deliciously full I am. I have missed this.

He starts so gently, so tenderly, our foreheads pressed together as he rocks into me, deep and slow. I savor every bit of this, whimpering at the sensation of him pulling out completely before sheathing himself completely. I sigh, wiggling my hands free so that I can wrap my arms around his shoulders, pulling him impossibly closer to me. He cracks a smile, his lips finding purchase on my neck as he snaps his hips into mine, moving a little harder, a little faster. My breath is stolen, my heart cries out for this.

“Axel.” I beg, though I don’t know what for. More of him, more of this, more of everything. I don’t need to say another word. His body slips down mine, our chests brushing so that he can set my ankles on his shoulders and sink back down into me. At this new angle, he somehow manages to sink deeper into me. I gasp, clawing at the sheets.

“On my back baby.” He encourages, so I grasp at the muscles of his back, sinking my nails into his skin. He groans, rolling his shoulders as his hips snap again. “More.” I rake my nails down his back, leaving red welts in my wake. He clutches my legs as he pounds into me, harder and deeper with each thrust. When I begin to feel his nails biting into my thighs, I cry out, throwing my head back into the pillow. He digs in further and somehow, that’s even better. The tighter he grasps me, the harder he pounds me, the closer I get to the edge. I can feel him start to lose his pace inside of me, his movements become more sporadic and I know what this means. But as always, he refuses to cum before me, and before he is sent over the edge, one hand leaves my legs to tease my clit. I look at him, thinking about how incredibly fucking sexy he is, and how now that he’s back, he’s not going to be able to keep me off of him. I’m so close and then he says “let me feel you cum around my cock, beautiful.” And obediently, I do. I choke on my breath as I clench around him, so fucking tight, so much like it’s the very first time. He follows immediately after me, and the entire world shakes around us. It doesn’t still again until we do, arms wrapped around each other.

“Sorry.” He finally says, when his breath returns. I raise an eyebrow.

“What the fuck do you have to be sorry about?” I ask.

“It’s been a long time, didn’t last as long as I usually would’ve.” He shrugs, arms still wrapped around me.

“Dear Twilight, Axel. Stop pretending that we don’t both know you’re perfect. I like you better as a cocky fucker.” I tease, leaning up to kiss him on the lips. “Besides, we can always spend the morning making up for lost time.”

“No rest for the wicked, sweetheart. You and I both have missions to go on this morning.” He taps my nose as he starts to climb off of me

“Or we can just ignore them. Play hooky with me and I promise not to pick any more fights with Saix.” I say. Joke’s on him though, my fingers are crossed when I say this. He snorts, rolling his eyes.

“Somehow, I doubt that. You want the shower first?” He asks. I pout, climbing out of bed.

“No, you go, you take longer to get ready anyway.” I wave him off.

“Do not.” But still, he heads into the bathroom anyway. I think to myself how incredibly amusing it would be to show him my pettiness journal. To prove to him that I am not being completely outrageous in my reactions. That it isn’t all me, Saix is starting shit too. I yank open the drawer my journal is in, and this time I see too. I blink as I regard the both of them, but open the closest one. I realize immediately that it isn’t mine, but Axel’s

Try as I may though, I cannot bring myself to put the journal back. He’s supposed to be my partner, maybe this will help me trust him more. This isn’t a big deal.

‘I’ve lost track of the Keyblade master and the other intruders. Rueki and I are the only ones left in the Castle. Unsurprising, after our week long detour. My orders were to end the traitors, but I think at this point, I fit that bill better than anybody. I look at her though, and I know it’s worth it. I wonder how I can feel this way about somebody when I can’t feel at all. I used to tell myself that she was fun, that she had my back, I mean, if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have had time to search the Castle. But the fact of the matter is, she makes me feel like I have a heart.’

It’s sweet, I crack a smile, and for a second, I feel dirty, almost as though I am invading his privacy.

‘The longer you know someone the less you need to speak in clear terms. Everything gets across with a wink and a nudge, a little reading between the lines… When it comes to what befell our late comrades at Castle Oblivion, ambiguity suits me just fine. What’s more is it keeps her safe. I stand by everything that needed to be done though. Zexion knew too much, at least, I think. I wasn’t sure until Shibuya, but if anyone could’ve figured it out, it would’ve been him. That would’ve changed everything, and that’s not something I can bare to risk. I look at her and Roxas and how they just come out and say every little thing that comes to mind. Maybe that’s human, or maybe that’s just what makes them special.’

‘Her nightmares have gotten worse. I wonder if perhaps I’ve broken her. She’s still so alive, so much herself, but I wonder what of it is an act and what is just force of habit. We’re all creatures of it, especially her. Otherwise she wouldn’t be…well, the way she is. I keep telling myself that she shouldn’t feel this way, but at this point, I’m convinced she’s always going to be a mystery to me. She told me today that we’d be a lot happier if I didn’t have to keep secrets from her. I wish she could understand how bad I don’t want to. But I think it would destroy her to find out the truth—and why Zexion staying alive would’ve changed everything.’

The notebook falls out of my hand and clatters to the floor.

No. Please no. Please tell me that I didn’t have to kill Zexion just so that Axel could hide more shit from me? So that he could cover his bases and be sure that he could keep his lies in place? I thought that the idea of killing him for Saix was the absolute worst case scenario, but this…?

“Alright, princess, it’s all you.” Axel’s hair is perfectly gelled, he’s got his towel wrapped around his waist, but I can barely stand to look at him. My brow comes together, my lips part, my hands shake. “Rueki, what are you—”

“I honestly cannot believe, that I thought, for a whole couple minutes that you weren’t lying to me anymore.” I shake my head and shove past him. “What the fuck did Zexion know, Axel? And would you tell me why the fuck I had to kill him?

I watch Axel’s eyes dart from me, to the notebook on the ground. He meets my glare with a furrowed brow.

“Do you have no respect for anyone’s privacy?” He asks. My face burns. 

“That’s what you’re worried about?” I snap. “For your information, I meant to pull my journal out.” 

“You didn’t stop reading when you realized it wasn’t yours?” He asks.

“You wrote about me, what did you expect?” I roll my eyes.

“Oh, I don’t know.” He says with the wave of his hands. “A warm welcome from my girlfriend, a nice mission, back home with my best friend, ice cream at the clock tower. And maybe for you to trust me, after everything we’ve been through.”

“I had to kill Zexion! You made me think that I was the one who made the choice to kill him, but you had worked me from the very beginning, hadn’t you?” I ask.

“You’re acting like a damn lunatic, Rueki.” He shakes his head.

“That’s a really great way to make your girlfriend trust you, when she just found out that you’re still lying to her, even when you promised you wouldn’t!” I throw my hands up.

“It’s not a lie, and it’s not a new secret! It’s the same old thing. Zexion knew before me, what happened in Shibuya, or at least, he implied it.” Axel swears.

“Oh, cool, so I murdered someone over an implication. That’s fucking great to hear.” I set my hand on the bathroom door frame, my entire body shaking. “You know, you’re right, my nightmares are fucking terrible. And if it weren’t for Roxas, I don’t know if I’d have slept at all while you were gone. If it’s not nightmares about Zexion fading, it’s about Sora turning dark. I hope that makes you feel fucking great about all these secrets you’re keeping. I really hope this is worth it Axel, cuz you have fucking broken me. Congradu-fucking-lations.” I dart into the bathroom and slam the door behind me. When I have finished my shower, he is gone, and maybe that’s for the best. Because I am not even close to ready to offer him forgiveness.

I barely speak to Demyx through clearing out the Heartless from the base of the castle. When we get back, I don’t even ask him to open up a portal to the clock tower, though I know Axel and Roxas will be there. He was the one who walked out on me, I’m not going to go crawling back to him. I don’t even know if I want to forgive him yet. Everything is still bubbling up inside of me, creeping closer and closer to a boil. How many more wrongs is he able to commit against me before he burns his final bridge and even Shibuya can’t save us? The fact that I’ve let him get this far is terribly unlike me, but love must be rotting my brain.

I stomp by, toward my room, a room I haven’t slept in, in months, when I see Xion’s door cracked. I hesitate a moment, wondering if I should intercede, if I’m in any mood for it. And then, I decide, fuck it. She’s my friend too. Maybe a good bitchfest with a girl will help me sort through my feelings.

I tap at her door, and without looking up, she speaks.

“I told you, Roxas, I don’t want to talk!” She huffs, which is adorable, and kind of soothing. Looks like we’re both pissed at someone.

“Chin up, kid it’s just me.” I bump the door open with my hip and offer her a wave. Xion looks up, brow coming together. A sad little half smile touches her features.

“Oh, hi. Sorry, I didn’t mean to be short with you.” Xion murmurs. 

“No worries, if I’m being honest, I’m trying to avoid Axel too. Mind if I come in?” I ask. She shrugs, so I do, shutting the door gingerly behind me. I take a seat beside her on the bed. “Boys.” I sigh.

“They’re the worst.” Xion agrees. I laugh.

“You know, Roxas isn’t all that bad. But it is nice to have a girl on my side.” I smile at Xion, who bashfully tucks her short hair behind her ear.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Rueki. If I was stuck with just the two of them…” She makes a face. I throw my head back laughing.

“You know, if you’d believe it, I didn’t have a lot of friends before coming here.” I inform her.

“Really?” Xion asks, and I cannot decide whether it’s endearing or annoying that she responds so sincerely. Maybe I miss Axel’s dramatics, maybe I miss Roxas’ cheekiness. I look at the way that the cool light of the room is hitting her fair skin and thinks she looks more like Amaya than she ever has before. She certainly reminds me of her, and it almost makes me nostalgic for home.

Almost. But this is all Amaya should’ve been to me. The sweet, little sister type. Xion is Amaya as she should’ve been.

“Mmmhmm, and that means I didn’t have a lot of female friends.” I nod. “It’s nice to have you now.” 

“Is it?” She whispers.

“Of course. Xion, are you alright?” I ask, my own displeasure temporarily cast aside.

“Can I be upset without a heart?” She asks me, chewing on her lower lip. 

“Oh, Xion, you can be whatever the fuck you wanna be.” I squeeze her shoulder. “And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, I’ll fight them.” She cracks a smile.

“Thank you, Rueki.” Though I can tell she doesn’t feel much better.

“Tell me what’s eating you.” I insist. She shrugs. “Axel lied to me. Again.” I confide. She looks at me with wide, blue eyes.

“Why would he do that?” She asks. I snort.

“I wish I knew. He says it’s to keep me safe, but I honestly just don’t think that he can help it anymore. I think he’s used to doing whatever he wants to get his way, without caring about what happens to anyone else. I worry that it might be too late for him.” And, consequentially for us. As I speak and voice these doubts, my mouth feels dry, as though I have just shoved cotton in it. “It seems like no matter how close we get, no matter how much I feel connected to him and how far we come, he’s always got another skeleton lurking in the closet. He promises me he doesn’t, but I always find out the truth, and it hurts that much more. Because he acts like it’s not important and doesn’t understand why it matters so much to me”

“I’m sorry, Rueki. Is that what you meant about having to be patient with him not having a heart?” She asks. I frown.

“Yeah. I guess I’m just not good at being patient.” I confess. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Me either. I’m sorry.” She murmurs.

“No, it’s okay.” I shake my head. “I was telling you because you’re my friend. I just wanted someone to listen. You don’t have to fix my problems or anything, I just wanted you to know I trust you with what’s going on in my life. And you can trust me with what’s going on in yours.” 

She sets her jaw a little and looks forward, upset or irritated, I don’t know. And maybe I over stepped my boundaries by trying to push her to share her feelings. Still, I think I would rather beg forgiveness than ask permission.

Xion is quiet for a long time, and her face stays in that tiny little pout until I stand up to leave the room.

“My mission was to confront an imposter. Someone else dressed in our coat. A man with silver hair and a blindfold over his eyes. He called me a sham, told me my Keyblade was a fake.” She mutters.

“That bugged you because you had a hard time summoning it a little while ago?” I predict. She nods.

“And, other things too. What gave him the right? I don’t know who he is or why he would say that, I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me! He didn’t give me any answers either. I don’t want Saix and Xemnas to think I’m weak or useless. And I don’t want them to think I’m a sham. I know what they were planning to do to you in Castle Oblivion, because you got in their way, Demyx told me. I don’t want that to ever happen to me. I don’t want to lose my friends.” She finally sighs.

“Xion, I’m sorry.” I take a seat again beside her and reach out to squeeze her hand. “But I really don’t think you have to worry about that. I’m a special case, honestly. I doubt the higher ups could ever loathe you as much as they do me.”

“It’s more than just that, Rueki.” She insists. “I don’t want to be considered a weak point. I don’t want to be that useless girl with the sham Keyblade. I want to be worth something. So bad.” 

I see the frustration on her face, painted on oh so clearly and my heart breaks for this girl. This is not something a fourteen year old should feel she needs to do to earn her keep. She should be worried about if her crush likes her back and if her shoes are out of style or not. I want to imprint onto her, this innocence she has been deprived of, but I realize I don’t have it to offer. I am jaded, more so than I could’ve ever expected I would be, and I thought I was already world weary. Now? I feel it getting worse and worse with every day that I stay here. I reach to her hand and squeeze it gently, though for me or her, I don’t know. But I feel if I don’t, someone’s heart will shatter tonight.

“On our down time, you and I are going to hunt down this imposter.” I promise her. “We’ll track whoever it is down and prove to them just how worthy you are of your Keyblade.”

“But how are we going to do that?” She asks. “I have no idea where he went.” I know the answer to this question before she even voices it, and I feel a pit in my stomach. I don’t want to go back there but…maybe I don’t have to.

“My world is a pit stop amongst worlds. Pilots stop in, go to the bar for the night while their ship gets repaired, and they drink and gamble. You play your cards right and you can get any information you want out of them.” I tell her.

“So we’re going to your world?” She asks.

“Oh no. Not us.” 

\--

“I think you owe me, Lux.” I say, standing in Luxord’s doorway, arms crossed to my chest.

“And what, pray tell, would lead you to believe this?” He asks, without even having the decency to look up from the game of solitaire he plays with himself.

“Don’t you even want a challenge?” I ask. He grins, finally looking up.

“Who better to play against?” He asks. I snort, taking this as my opportunity to come through the doorway, closing the distance between us. 

“You knew that Xemnas and Saix were sending us to Transmute City. And to come after one of my friends, at that.” I remind him.

“Simply doing my job. It was my impression that you considered it to be water under the bridge.” He replies, blithely. 

“I did.” I nod. “But maybe I don’t anymore.”

“You’re an awful liar, love.” He snickers.

“Maybe I’ve forgiven but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten. Ask Axel. I hold a hell of a grudge.” I take a seat in the chair opposite him, keeping my best poker face on. Trying to out gamble the Gambler of Fate isn’t exactly the most surefire thing I’ve ever done. But Xion needs something to keep her chin up and I need something to distract me from my own anxieties.

“Are you implying that things are anything beyond sublime, between you and VIII?” He raises an eyebrow. I chomp down on the inside of my cheek.

“I’m saying in the past, things have been turbulent.” I say very carefully. Axel and I haven’t even gotten to talk things over, the last thing I’m going to do is confide in Luxord, who I like, but am unsure if I trust or not. Besides, the last thing I want to do is deal with these feelings. This was supposed to be a distraction, a chance to stop my hands from shaking. One less moment where I will feel betrayed. “He knows better than anyone else that I’m a force to be reckoned with.”

“And while I’m sure that is the case, you’ve left me quite unshaken, Rueki, doll. As far as I am concerned, we are even, after all, were it not for me, you might still be chasing VIII like a helpless animal, convinced that one day he might reciprocate your feelings.” He replies with the wave of his hand. I could slap him.

“Are you trying to be a dick?”

“Are you attempting to do your beau proud in an attempt to manipulate me? Because I’m afraid, if so, it is all for naught.” Fuck him.

“You’re my friend.”

“And unfortunately I do not have the heart to feel the guilt you’re trying to push onto me. Apologies, love.” He shrugs.

“What if I complete your missions for you? Double down and do both our jobs?” I ask. He scoffs.

“Truly, do you think that all of us are as lax as the Nocturne?” Luxord asks. “I don’t mind doing my job.”

“What do you want then, Luxord?” I ask, heaving a sigh. He meets me with a wicked grin.

“That will be for me to know, and for you, dear Rueki, to find out.”

\--

I am alarmed by how forthcoming Luxord is when I tell him the favor I want of him. His only request is that I accompany him, which I hoped to avoid, but maybe we can kill two birds with one stone and I can extinguish my new debt to him. Unhelpfully though, I feel more apprehension coursing through my veins, as though I am not already worried enough. My palms twitch with anticipation as we walk through portal and into Transmute City. Once again, I find myself thankful for the trench coat, because the icy wind whips past me and knocks my hood off. Luxord flinches as his follows in turn.

“You couldn’t perhaps, be looking for gamblers with secret information on a tropical island?” He asks. I snort.

“It can’t be that easy.” But it’s easy enough finding our way into the basement of a dive bar, where a poker game is already in full swing. Fortunately, it is warm in the basement, at least warmer than it was outside, and I’m able to shrug off my coat. Like a pack of hungry wolves, every set of eyes in the room turns to me, which is sad, because I have about as much sex appeal as a bowl of oatmeal. The bustier and short shorts help, I guess. But uncomfortable or not, this is part of the plan. Luxord sets a hand on my shoulder, I lean into him, giving the room, what I think is a flirtatious glance, until a grizzled man calls out to us.

“Hey, blondie, why don’t you and trench coat join us over here?” The man calls. He’s probably only in his late twenties but looks like he’s in his early forties. He’s got a cigarette lit between his lips and a shot glass at the edge of the table. Typical pilot, seriously. 

“We’d be delighted to, my good lad.” Luxord replies and he sweeps me over to the table. We stand beside grizzly. 

“You mind telling me your name, angel?” Grizzly asks me and I have to chomp down on the inside of my cheek to bite back a retort. Charming, Rueki, you have to act charming. Still, part of me wants to correct him and tell him that I only respond to princess or sweetheart.

“I’m Dulor. The cute one is Del.” Luxord replies, which I suppose is all for the best, still to have someone call me by my ex’s name is definitely going to be hard. But I know the plan. Gamble hard, play aggressively for information, and if munny doesn’t tantalize this gambler enough, I have to put something better on the table. The deed to the Gummi Repair shop. Which of course I have a copy of, and of course mine, Del and Amaya’s names are on. So I need to go by one of them, and to keep things on the down low, we’ve got to use code names. Maybe it’s stupid to trust Luxord so wholeheartedly with something I have no intention of actually giving away, but I don’t think so. He’s the Gambler of Fate, he never loses anything. Well, he lost one game of chess to me, but I’m also certain that he allowed that to happen. 

“Del, that short for something?” Grizzly asks. I just shrug. “Well I’m Lou.” 

“A pleasure, of course, Lou.” Luxord replies. “Isn’t that right, Del, love?” Luxord asks me. I just giggle stupidly and start playing with my hair. This is so cringe worthy, I don’t know why Luxord couldn’t have just done this himself. Actually I do, these guys are like vultures, I’ve seen plenty like this in my time at the shop. They’re vultures but they’re a very exclusive clique. Usually it takes a pair of tits to infiltrate their ranks, though I guess they’ll just have to settle for my abundance of ass.

“Well Dulor, Del, we’re playing Black Jack over here. You game?” Lou asks.

“Always.” Luxord replies, and though he works hard to keep his face perfectly neutral, I notice a devilish glint in his eye. Hell yeah, there’s my friend.

“Then we’ll start the bid at oh, 10,000 munny? That sound reasonable?” I know Lou is highballing to test Luxord, but thankfully, a skilled gambler knows how to keep his face composed.

“I’m not so much interested in munny, but in information. Sound reasonable?” Luxord counters. I watch Lou look him over with hardened eyes before knocking his shot back.

“What kind of information?” Lou asks.

“We’re looking for a friend of ours.” I reply in the most giggly, girly tone possible, leaning forward, towards Lou in a way that I think is seductive. It seems to work well enough, because Lou can barely keep his mouth shut as he drinks me in. “Someone else in a black coat. Silver hair, wears a blindfold. Do you happen to know anything?” I bat my eyelashes.

“Hmm, blindfold, silver hair.” Lou taps his chin. “Maybe. What’s such a pretty face like yours hanging out with a bunch of men in trench coats for?” He asks.

“Now, now, Lou. You mustn’t shame the girl for the crowd she runs with.” Luxord replies with the wave of his hand.

“It’s just family business.” I reply, batting my lashes again. If he thinks I’m a spoiled brat who comes from money, maybe that’ll lead him to flap his jaw a little more.

“And here you are, mixing business with pleasure.” Lou says.

“I guess I’m just good at finding a balance.” I bat my eyes and lean back further into Luxord. He responds perfectly, throwing an arm around me. I giggle and Lou turns a shade of red that I didn’t think a grown man could possibly turn.

“Well, say, I might just know something about a man with a blindfold and silver hair.” Lou remarks with a greasy smile as his eyes linger on me a little too long. “What do you have to offer?”

“We have plenty of munny.” I reply, still trying to play the bimbo.

“So do I. You think you’re the only one that comes from money, Del?” He asks, taking a drag of his cigarette. He blows a ring of smoke into my face, but I don’t even flinch. If only this fucker knew who I shared a bed with. Not that Luxord isn’t intimidating, but there’s something a lot deadlier in Axel’s very presence. And the more I think about my boyfriend, the more I wish he was the one with me here now. Running these games, toying with people, using all of his manipulation in my favor. I think that would make me feel a lot better about our fight and about our relationship. But Luxord is the Gambler, so obviously the better choice in this situation. “No, if we’re not playing for the usual winnings, then I want my prize to be something a little more…enticing as well.”

“What did you have in mind?” Luxord asks, and I could hit him. No. I don’t want to gamble the deed away if I can help it.

“A night with the girl.” Is Lou’s absolutely disgusting reply. And this time, I cannot keep up my charming, ditzy façade.

“It’s not for sale.” I snarl, my lips curling over my teeth like a wild animal.

“Del.” Luxord warns and for a second, I forget that is my pseudonym. 

“Then I guess the information isn’t for sale.” Lou replies.

“Fine, you can have a night with me. But the only thing I enjoy doing to men is pegging.” I hiss. Lou’s face loses color and he chokes on a puff of smoke. 

“You’ve got something poison under the surface that you don’t show just anyone, don’tcha Del?” He asks. The words strike a cord in me. He’s not the first man to say something like that to me, and things didn’t exactly end well for Marluxia, maybe Lou should think twice before opening his mouth again.

“If you want to play for something more enticing, we’ll play for this.” I retrieve the deed from the pocket of my weapons pouch, eyes narrowed into slits. I know I have taken the bait, but this guy has gone and pissed me off, and he’s fucked if he thinks that he’s going to beat Luxord in anything. I throw the deed down onto the table and watch Lou’s greedy eyes flash. “I own the local Gummi Repair Shop. You’re a pilot? It’s stocked to the nines. Anything your heart could desire is in there. All you have to do is beat us and it’s all yours.” 

“You drive a hard bargain.” Lou laughs. “You gotta keep a better leash on your bitch, Dulor. Or she’s going to gamble away your life.”

“So you’ll play then?” Luxord asks, ever the diplomat. He keeps a tight arm around me, likely because he knows it isn’t unlike me to reach across the table and punch this dude in the throat.

“Sure. You want information, and I wouldn’t complain about taking this bitch’s shop. Sounds like a done deal.” Lou laughs.

“Let’s just do this.” I grumble. Luxord flashes me a very reassuring look. 

“One hand, winner takes all.” Lou says. My stomach momentarily drops, but then I remember who I am here with. Lady Luck is practically on her knees, sucking him off 24/7. We’ll be fine. Still, this new anxiety is hard as hell to handle. With the deed on the line I have all but forgotten my anger with Axel.

The dealer spits out a hand of cards. A Jack for Lou, a Queen for Luxord. Not that face cards have differing values, but I still feel quite smug at having a higher face card. And then another deal. Luxord gets a King. Lou gets a 9. My heart flutters in my chest. We’ve won. Of course, by rule, Lou will have to take another hit, and then, he’ll bust. I look to Luxord, my heart about to burst. 

“Don’t be singing his praises just yet, Del. I’m feeling lucky tonight. Hit me.” Lou says

The dealer throws down a 2. 

We get a 7. Bust.

My heart stops.

“No.” I whisper. 

“Oh yes, missy. Shoulda been a little kinder when I offered you a night with me. Then you could still be in charge of daddy’s business.” Lou blows a puff of smoke in my face. My hands shake. Luxord grips me tighter, but I barely pay attention. I get tunnel vision, my peripheral vision goes blurry as I struggle to breathe. 

“What happened. We can’t, Lux—”

“Del, we should get going.” Luxord presses his fingers into my arm in an attempt to shock me back to reality. I forget about code names, I forget myself, my throat constricts and I can feel tears start to prick at my eyes. 

“The deed.” I sputter.

“Is mine. Pleasure doing business with you, gorgeous.” Lou smacks my ass as he traipses proudly away from the table and back up the stairs, out the door of the bar. 

My entire body vibrates in Luxord’s arms.

“How could we lose? How could you lose?” This isn’t anxiety anymore, it is full blown panic. The tears start to fall, and all I can think is there I went, and completely handed away Del and Amaya’s only source of income. My friends are going to starve and lose their home because of me. Some asshole has the deed to my store, because I was reckless and thirsty for information. I took his bait. At least if I put my body on the table, maybe I could’ve beaten him up and gotten away. 

“Rueki, love, not here.” Luxord whispers so that no one else can hear the use of my name. He guides me up the stairs, and I move, with heavy limbs, like a robot. What have I done? Completely destroyed old friends to potentially save a new one?

“They’re going to starve because of me. They are going to die because of me.” Visions of Zexion flash before my eyes, his hand disappearing in a cloud of darkness. I choke back a sob that is only cut off when we come into contact with the night time air. The streets are dark, and it feels symbolic of my friends’ future.

“Not necessarily.” Luxord says. My eyes go wide, my pupils like pinpricks.

“What?”

“I can’t believe you didn’t notice.” He mutters.

“What?” I ask.

“Lou was cheating.” He says. I could vomit. My stomach lurches. I tear away from him and press my palms into the walls of the alleyway, trying to center myself. 

“We’ve got to find him.” I choke as breath starts to come a little easier. Zexion’s face fades from my mind’s eye, I swallow my tears.

“And do what?” He asks.

“I don’t know?” I shake my head, standing up tall. “Confront him, force his hand.” 

“And are you prepared to do more than just force his hand if needed?” He asks. “I don’t think he will be so easy to persuade.” I don’t love the implications of his words, but I know he’s right. This might end in a fight.

“When have you known me to back down from a challenge?”

Finding Lou is easy. He is drunk and boisterous, harassing a group of teenagers down by the river. He leaves a cloud of smoke in his wake. I wouldn’t hate the idea of punching him.

“Hey, asshole!” I call out, once we get close enough to him that I know he won’t be able to outrun me. The teenagers do flee though, as fast and far as they can.

“Ohohoho.” Lou laughs. “You come to beg to me, Del?” He asks. 

“My name’s not Del.” I hiss. “And you didn’t earn that. You cheated.” 

“Whatever, bitch. Whine all you want, you’re not getting the fucking deed back. Shouldn’ta been such a cunt to me, should you?” He asks.

“Oh, you want to see me being a cunt? Because I can show you that.” I snap, teeth clanking together. 

“We’re quite aware that you bribed the dealer, Lou. Your skills in subtlety are not exactly supreme.” Luxord says.

“I dunno what the fuck you’re talking about.” Lou slurs, with an aggressive wave of his hand. “You’ve got a set on you, accusing me of cheating. You lost, suck it up.”

“No, you’re a drunk piece of shit who thought it was completely acceptable to cheat someone out of what was rightfully theirs.” I snap.

“And you’re just a stupid slut who thinks flashing her tits to people will get her what she wants, and when it doesn’t, she’s gotta throw a tantrum.” Lou counters.

“You have absolutely no idea how sick I am, of people calling me a slut.” I shake my head as I stomp over to him, something deadly in my eyes.

“You pissed because it’s true, bitch?” He asks. I close the distance between us, cranking my arm back before my fist connects with his face. He blinks at me, clutching his cheek in one hand. “Shoulda kept your girl in line, she’s gonna have to learn the hard way.” Lou says to Luxord before his hands close around my throat. He lifts me high into the air, but my legs flails forward, and I kick him square in the groin. He releases me, clutching his loins as I hit the ground.

“I think she has the situation perfectly under control.” Luxord replies and I smirk.

“You stupid fucking skank.” Lou lunges at me and knocks us both onto the ground. His big fist flies forward. I turn my head away as quick as I can and narrowly miss his hit. My heart hammers in my chest. 

“Get the fuck off of me.” I jerk my hips and twist them, knocking him straight off me. He makes a noise as I stand above him, my boot on his chest. “Give me the fucking deed, you pig.” I spit. 

He takes my ankle and throws me into the ground. I land, with a cry, on my face, against the dirt. This fucker is trying to test me.

“I won it, fair n’ square. Stop crying and accept it. You gambled away your daddy’s company.” He taunts.

“It’s not my dad’s it’s my friends’! That’s the only fucking thing they have to pay their bills, without that shop, they’ll starve!” I cry out, standing and facing him, as he dusts himself off. My eyes burn. A slow snarl creeps across his features before he throws his head back laughing.

“Oh damn. Then won’t it just be too funny, watching your little friends beg on the streets for scraps of food. If frostbite doesn’t get them first in this shit hole. And all because you were too dumb to keep what matters close. You must be one hell of an ice cold bitch.” And maybe I am. Because the ice inside of me cracks. It shatters and splinters and beneath it all is magma. I leap at him, swinging Survivor back. I smash it into him. He hits the ground with a cry, his eyes going wide. With heavy arms, he swings at me, but I am seeing red. I barely notice his movements, my adrenaline has kicked in, and unlike with him, alcohol hasn’t slowed my reactions. I bob and weave as I beat into him, clashing, crashing, slashing my claw at him. He’s beaten, he’s bloody and begging by time I am done.

“Stop, stop!” He wails. “Take the fucking deed, you fucking psycho!” With shaking hands, he pulls the deed out of his pocket. I snatch it back, jaw set, my shoulder still trembling with rage. 

“Let’s go.” I whisper to Luxord as I storm away from Lou.

“I saw the address on that deed. I promise you, bitch, I’m going to be paying them a visit for what you just did! Think about that and try to sleep at night.” Lou barks out. I turn to see him start to sit up on the ground, but he doesn’t stay that way for long.

I want to say it is a difficult decision, I want to say it breaks me down further.

But it doesn’t. If it is this asshole or Del and Amaya, I will choose them every time.

They say it gets easier after your first.

I whip around, and with my claw, slit his throat open.

He gurgles and wheezes as he bleeds out on the ground. I don’t even realize the gravity of my actions until after they are done.

I feel as though all of the air has been stolen from this world. I clutch my chest and try to catch my breath. It keeps escaping me though, and my body begins to spasm. My stomach lurches, and I scream.

“Dammit!” Not again. Not another cause for nightmares. Not another scratch against me on the list of wrongs I have committed. No matter what I do, I keep catching myself straying further, telling myself that if this is for my friends, it is fine. But it isn’t. I am not fine. I turn to Luxord with wild, guilty eyes and find, to my utter horror, that he is grinning.

“Thank you for the information, Rueki love.” He says, before waving his hand to open a portal.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I choke out.

“Lou wasn’t the one counting cards, I was. To make sure that we lost. The Superior was wondering if perhaps you had any hand in the deaths at Oblivion, or if it was split perfectly between Sora and VIII. Of course, you don’t volunteer anything willingly beyond a sarcastic comment. So, when you needed a favor from me, I decided to call it even for us and cash in on some information from you, willing or not. You see, Rueki, a gamble is worth nothing, if there is no risk involved.” He informs me.

My throat clenches up, my stomach drops and hits the ground.

“You fucking bastard.” I breathe. “You tricked me. I thought we were friends!”

“What do you intend to do love, kill me? Twilight knows it wouldn’t be the first or even the second time you have. And we are friends. But business is business, Rueki. I’m sure you understand.” He shrugs.

But I don’t.

I guess I don’t understand anything anymore. I don’t feel anything, except pent up self hatred, desperate to get out. What have I done? Who have I become? All at the hands of having the best intentions, I have been tricked, taught that I am not nearly as smart as I thought I was. I truly have become cold, but in the face of those without a heart, I wonder if this is a result of their manipulations, or if I am a monster that just needed a push.

He departs through the portal. I stare after him for far too long. So long that I’m surprised that it doesn’t close up behind him. With a trembling body, finally, I find my legs, my very being desperate to find the one thing that will make me feel safe. The one person who I will always call home.

I walk into Axel’s room. He’s sitting on the bed, head in his hands, and as I enter the door, his eyes go wide, like a heavy weight has finally been lifted off of his shoulders.

“Where have you been?” Axel’s tone has no accusations in it, only worries. If my heart could break any further, I think it would. I’m all weariness, complete exhaustion as I sulk over to him, taking a seat in his lap. “I was so scared, Rueki, you can’t do that to me!”

“Sorry.” I mutter, hollowly. He must mistake this as anger.

“Listen, I’m sorry that you had to find out about Zexion that way. I’m sorry that you had to play a hand in killing him, you shouldn’t have been involved in that, but dammit, Rueki, I’m keeping this secret to keep you safe! No one is going to jeopardize your life, not him, not anyone, got it memorized?” He asks. I just nod, limply, because all of that is so unimportant right now.

“I forgave you hours ago.” I say. Finally he seems to understand that my mood is not about him, his brow creases.

“Rueki, where have you been?”

“Too many places.” I sigh. “Xion’s going through some shit, I tried to help her, I ended up having to ask Luxord a favor. He’s a fucking dick, in case you weren’t aware.”

“Well, I guess I owe him if he got your mind off of being mad at me.” Axel says carefully. I shake my head.

“I’m done being mad at you. The only time you keep things from me is when it benefits my best interests.” And someone that I once called a friend kept things from me for his benefit, solely. If he tries to look at me and say it was all business, again, I’m going to…

Do nothing.

He hasn’t driven me to anything I haven’t done before. It’s not like he damaged me in a way that I haven’t already damaged myself, so what the fuck does it even matter? I’m not angry anymore, I’m just spent. None of this is fair. I don’t know what’s right and wrong anymore, apparently I thought it was okay to end someone’s life over a fucking card game. Was Luxord wicked for using me? And am I just as bad for going the distance that I did? How can I blame someone without a heart, without a moral compass to begin with? I think that my friend might be unsalvageable, but Axel isn’t. Every time he crosses the line, I pull him back in and he tries so hard to right is wrong. Maybe there’s no such thing as good and evil, just people who try and people who are past the point of no return.

It makes me wonder how close I am to that line and how desperately I need to do something about it. Something is terribly wrong with this Organization, something the higher ups are utilizing to their advantage, if they are not solely responsible for it. I’m not going to be a pawn to it, and I’m surely not going to stay in the dark. Whatever they have planned for me, I’m sure they won’t tell Axel. So it’s going to have to be up to me to figure out what the hell is going on.

“Rueki, what happened?” He asks.

“It doesn’t matter.” I shake my head. “All that matters is that something here needs to change.”

“Exactly. That’s why Saix and I have our plans: find out Xemnas’ true agenda and use that as leverage to stage a coup.” He nods.

“Do you really think he’s on your side anymore?” I ask, flatly. His face falls ever so slightly, but he doesn’t answer. “I’m sorry, I think that’s on me, but I think whatever alliance you had, I have sufficiently shit all over. It seems like it’s his mission now to break me.”

“Rueki, I don’t think—”

“Luxord and I went out to Transmute City to find out information for Xion. My hand was forced, I gambled the deed to the Gummi Repair Shop Del, Amaya and I own. Luxord threw the game and pretended his opponent was cheating, to force us into a confrontation. I killed him, to keep that deed safe. And in the end, Luxord revealed it was all just a ploy to test my reaction. The higher ups wanted to know if any of the deaths in Oblivion were by my hand. Now they know.” I blurt. Axel just sits there, looking at me, for the first time since I have known him, he seems to be at a loss for words.

“I’ll fucking kill him.” Is what he finally decides on, and he pulls me up off of his lap so that he can sit up. I shove him back down, all the way onto his back so that he’s laying flat on the bed.

“What the fuck is that gonna do, Axel?” I snap. “You kill him? Cool, there’s more blood on our hands and your damn boss has an excuse to call us traitors and destroy us. Is that what you want? Besides, he’s just the messenger.”

“They won’t destroy you. Xemnas needs you alive too bad.” Axel insists. 

“For what?” I ask.

“Your connection with Sora. He plans to use it to manipulate him into taking out Heartless for us, if he wakes.” Axel says.

“If?” I ask. 

“Their plan is for him not too. I just found out. They think he’s too much of a wild card. I don’t know how they plan to see all of this through, we don’t even know where he’s at. But the goal from the very start in Castle Oblivion was to get him out of our hair.” Axel confesses. My hands ball into fists on his chest.

“Why? He’ll defeat Heartless, I’ve already told you, he’s a good kid!” I insist.

“You’ve got me sold, Rueks. But I’m not the one you need to convince.” He says.

“I don’t think that’s it. Otherwise, why would they need leverage over me, why would they have to gather information about what happened in Oblivion? I want you guys to get hearts just as much as you do. You are all the leverage they need on me.” I remind him. His brow knits together.

“Whether you like him or not, sweetheart, I think Saix is on to something about Xemnas having a hidden agenda.” He reminds me.

“Yeah, one that he’s part of now.” I hiss.

“You don’t know that for sure.” He tries.

“What the hell keeps you clinging to him? He’s a dick!” I snap.

“You didn’t grow up with him, Rueki. At least, you don’t remember any of what he was like beforehand. He’s smart, quiet, he always has been. He’s gotta do the things he does, the higher up he gets, the easier it’ll be to take Xemnas down. You think it was easy for him to get to second in command? Cuz it wasn’t, got it memorized. Now all we need to do is find out what Xemnas is keeping from the rest of us, and then we’ll use it against him. We’re so close.” He assures me.

“Have I told you before that you’re naïve?” I ask.

“Have I told you before that you’re a cynic?” He counters. And just when I was thinking that I wasn’t so very suspicious of others, all of this has to happen. Maybe there’s no changing who I am.

“I think you can’t count on him as an ally anymore.” I admit. “And I really don’t think you can trust your boss. We need an exit plan.”

“I told you already, you’re safe.” Axel promises. “Why do you think I was okay leaving you on this solo mission? After I revealed to Xemnas what I learned in Shibuya, his entire attitude changed. He wants you alive.”

“Because he thinks he can break me. They sent me to Transmute City, while you were gone. To do recon on Del, to see if he was fit do join the Organization.” I inform him.

“You’re fucking kidding me.” He breathes, I watch his hands ball into fists. For all of the nonchalance he feigns, I forget, just what kind of fire is burning inside of him.

“And then, they told me it was a test, to see if I was loyal to them. Xemnas made the entire thing a spectacle, Saix gave me hell for it, and we fought. Then, Xemnas turned that into a ‘teaching’ moment, so that he could remind the others of what it looked like to have a heart, and to never forget ‘that rage’.” I find myself getting angrier as I think about it and I have to chomp down on the inside of my cheek to not react. Axel, however, is reacting.

“I can’t fucking believe him.” Axel shakes his head, a venom creeping into his voice. “He promised you’d be safe, no matter what.”

“I’m alive.” I remind him. “I highly doubt my mental health is anything that anyone except maybe you, Roxas or Xion give a single shit about. Maybe Demyx, I don’t know. You’re the only one I know I trust.” 

“I don’t think exiting is an option. Ever. Deserting isn’t really tolerated at all.” Axel sighs. “What we need is to be more aggressive, trying to figure out what Xemnas is doing.”

“You can’t trust Saix for help.” I press.

“And you can’t fight him, if it comes down to it. You need to play the game too, Rueki. Act smart about this until we gather more intel.” He replies. He’s right, of course. I hate it, mostly because I hate Saix, but there are other, more important things that fighting him. I nod.

“And then you get your heart back. We take care of all of this, you get your heart, and you tell me this big secret?” I ask.

“I swear to you, Rueki. The second I have my heart, I won’t keep one more thing to you. I wasn’t lying, this is the only thing I have hidden.” He assures me.

“Fine. Where do we start.” I ask.

“Oblivion. I don’t think the castle has given up all of its secrets yet. That’s part of what took me so long there. I looked for that chamber again, I can’t find anything.” He sighs.

“What if we don’t find it, Axel? We can’t keep looking blindly all over that place.” I say.

“I’ve got other ideas, but next time I go to Oblivion, you’re coming with me. That’s non negotiable, got it memorized?” He taps my temple.

“Other ideas. That’s not helpful.” I grumble.

“Hollow Bastion. Our home world, but that’s not something I want to risk unless it’s absolutely necessary.” He admits.

“Why?”

“It just isn’t.” He says. “There are some memories there that I don’t want to revisit.” And I think of how I am the reason he doesn’t have a heart, I suppose I probably shouldn’t press him further.

“I missed you today.” I whisper. “I’m gonna start helping Xion do recon on this imposter after missions, since today yielded nothing. But I really just am excited to finally have a moment with you. It’s been too damn long.”

“You’re telling me.” He squeezes me impossibly closer. “I missed you the entire time I was at Oblivion. Every room I went through was like a walk down memory lane. I thought about you and me, and what I would’ve done different if I had a say. I used to be so sure of myself, and everything I did. That the ends would justify the means, but looking at you…well, it doesn’t seem like they do anymore. And then you come at me, first thing with a damn guilt trip. Fuck, Rueki, I didn’t know who I was angrier at: you or me.” 

“Well stop being mad at you.” I plead. “We can’t go back and change anything, all we can do is move forward.”

“You know, you’ve changed.” He tells me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

“You have too.” I remind him. “I look at you, and I can tell that I’m important to you, that you genuinely want us to be happy. It makes it a lot easier to want to forgive you.” He snickers.

“That’s exactly what I was getting at. The girl I met months ago was a lot more defensive than this. She never would’ve let me in this far. And she never would’ve let her anger go.” He informs me, and I think he’s right.

“Maybe that’s growing up.” I shrug. 

“I dunno, I like to think I had a little bit of a hand in things.” He grins.

“Eh, probably. But your ego is already so big, I don’t need to fluff it any further.” I wave my hand. He laughs, kissing my forehead.

“Oh, it’s my ego that’s big?” He scoffs. 

“And your dick.” I say, with a completely straight face. He looks in my eyes for a second and that’s all it takes for the two of us to burst out laughing.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello, hello friends! I've got good news and bad news, are you ready? 
> 
> The bad news: This will be my last update for 2018. I know, I know! Normally, I post on Tuesdays, which would be New Year's Day, but this Tuesday, I will not be. The reason? New Year's Day is a VERY intense day for my family. It's the anniversary of my little sister's death, and while yes, my family is close and we do stuff together all the time, New Year's Day is a whole different beast. We don't leave each other's side, we talk about her a lot, we do things she would've loved to do to keep her memory alive. It's a very bittersweet day and I will be very busy. I hope you guys can understand why it is so important to me to spend this day with my family.
> 
> The good news: I'm changing the post schedule, starting on Wednesday January 2nd, so now, instead of Tuesday and Friday updates, you guys will be getting updates every Monday, Wednesday and Friday! I'm trying to pump out as many chapters as I possibly can before KH3's release at the end of January!
> 
> Also, I've noticed that my hit counter has kind of exploded this month. To readers both new and old, welcome! I am so thankful for all of you, to everyone who has enjoyed this story and commented or left kudos, thank you, I've had so much fun interacting with you! To those who have silently torn through these chapters with excitement, thank you for enjoying my work as much as I do! I love every single one of you and hope this new year brings you nothing but magic.

XXIX.

I wake Axel up, this time not screaming. 

“Come on.” I whisper, my lips at his ear.

“Is this a new early bird gets the worm thing?” He grumbles, heaving a sigh, though he dutifully sits up. I grin at him, all eagerness and excitement. I can feel it buzzing in the air like electrical waves, I feel more energized that I think I ever have.

“It’s a let’s get your heart back thing.” I correct him. “You, me, Oblivion. Now.”

“Rueki, it’s still dark out.” He insists.

“It’s always dark out. Up.” I order, climbing out of bed. I am dressed before he even has a leg slung over the side of the bed.

“You know, there will be plenty of time tonight, when we get done with our missions.” He reminds me.

“I’m busy tonight.” I remind him. 

“Right.” He sighs, rubbing his eyes. Finally, he throws one leg over the bed, then the other. “With Xion.”

“As soon as she and I are done figuring all of this out, I’m all yours again. We can sleep in and then cause trouble after our missions.” I offer him a cheeky grin. In seconds, he’s behind me, his arms around my waist. 

“You sure you wanna do this?” He asks. “Whatever we uncover, we can’t cover back up. What if it’s something that makes you think I’m the bad guy all over again?” Do I detect a hint of worry in his voice?

“I know you’re the bad guy. I love you anyway.” My eyes go wide and instantly, I tear myself out of his arms, my hands over my mouth as I look at him. “Fuck. Fuck. Axel, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—” He puts me into the dresser, his mouth searing mine.

“Ditto, Rueks.” 

We light a fire beneath us as we search through Castle Oblivion, together, never splitting off once. Axel is convinced that he could lose me at any second. I am not so sure, but with his hand in mine I do minimal complaining.

“You ever hear of the Greek Myth, about the Labyrinth?” He asks me as I stand on a table, fussing with a loose tile in the ceiling. Apparently, on top of the library that I found while we stayed here, there are at least six more in the castle. Axel has poured through just about every tome in here, during his month long mission, but that doesn’t mean every square inch of them has been searched. We both agreed that if someone were to hide information on where this secret chamber is, what better place to do it in, than one that is already filled with other, less useful information. We then proceeded to hi-five and waste about fifteen minutes dry humping before we remembered that we were in a time crunch.

“Probably, but refresh my memory.” I place the ceiling tile back in place, and turn to him. He’s on his hands and knees, looking for a lever, a trap door, something.

“It was a maze, built to hold an ancient monster. Of course, the hero defeated it, but the legend of it has changed over the years. Some say that the Labyrinth has evolved over time, and that the standard trick, of keeping your hand on the wall no longer works, because the Labyrinth is a living, breathing organism. It has changed and morphed. It shifts and becomes a different maze by the minute.” He tells me. “The smartest trap in all of the worlds.”

“Are you suggesting that Oblivion is changing on us?” I ask. He sighs, climbing up off the ground and dusting himself off. 

“What I’m saying is this library wasn’t here last time I was here. Half of the books were, but this room isn’t right at all.” He explains. I sink down onto the chair that I was standing on only moments ago and set my head in my hands.

“Fuck.” I sigh. “You sure?”

“Pretty damn.” He nods, as I look up.

“What do you wanna do?” I ask.

“Are you actually asking my opinon?” He snorts. I meet him with narrowed eyes.

“Let’s not dwell on it, darling.” I reply with venom in my voice, which only makes him laugh harder. I crack a smile.

“We give it a week. Seven more days worth of searching here. If it turns out we don’t find anything, we move on.” He allows. I don’t know if there is a significance of seven days or if he really just likes using rounded timelines—a week, a month, a year—to test things out, but I agree.

It takes all of that time for us to find anything, and even longer than that for Xion and I to make any progress.

Without any leads, she and I search, high and low. Through strange, wet worlds where we transform into mermaids. It isn’t as glamorous as it sounds, and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to swim in those waters. We run through a series of plains, on four legs, tails in the wind, hind legs moving at the speed of light, as we are chased by the most irritating hyenas ever. We fly with the help of a little blonde pixie, who seems to find a kindred spirit in me –bad attitude, blonde, big ass, a girl after my own heart—and grants us the ability to fly, if all we promise is faith and trust. It is a little culty, but after spending the past almost 200 days with Organization XIII, I suppose this isn’t too terribly off.

We head over the river and through the hills and come up with nothing. No sign of this mysterious imposter. Not a lick of anything helpful.

She and I sit on the Twilight Town beach, looking out at the gentle waters, lapping at the shoreline. In the light of the setting sun, they look orange, almost like a gentle fire. I think this makes me feel more at home than anything.

“Why’d you wanna get ice cream out here? I’m sure Roxas and Axel are probably wondering where we’ve been, we haven’t all met up since Axel got back from Oblivion.” I remind her, not that I particularly mind. The view is beautiful, but, now that I like Axel again, I catch myself missing him, and not just out of necessity, but out of want. I want to tell my beautiful man about the days I’ve spent with Xion. But she draws a knee up to her chest, her lower lip quivers and I know it’s out of the question.

“I don’t want to see Roxas again until I’ve gotten this all sorted out.” She confesses. “He and I were both assigned to go after the imposter. He was there when Saix called me a failure. I don’t know if I can face him again until we both know for sure that I’m not.”

“Fuck Saix.” Is my response. “He’s a dick. I’ll fight him for you.” 

“I don’t want anyone to have to fight him for me.” She says with a smile so broken and so sweet that I am reminded, unquestionably of Naminé. Xion still doesn’t look quite like her anymore, with her short, choppy hair. I wanna ask her when she changed it, but part of me is still worried that I’m losing my mind, and I don’t want her to confirm that. “I want to fight my own battles, I don’t want any of you having to pull extra weight for me. I hated when Roxas felt like he had to, because I couldn’t summon the Keyblade.”

“If this is about proving yourself, Xion, you don’t need to do that. Saix is honestly an elitist with a major stick up his ass. Until Xemnas himself climbs the fuck off his throne and has words with you, just ignore him. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter, don’t mind.” I say and she looks at me with a twinkle in her eye.

“Thank you, Rueki.” And I get the sense that she feels as though my words are so incredibly profound. I don’t want to tell her that it’s an old saying, I feel like that might take away from this moment. “But this isn’t for Saix, this is for me. I need to know that I can do this. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a sham, but even if they do…They don’t need to go to bed at night with all of the doubts and insecurities. I do. I need to prove myself wrong.”

I reach out and set a hand on her shoulder, because truly, she is breaking my heart. She doesn’t remind me so much of myself at that age as she does Amaya. Amaya’s problems were a little more superficial— ‘I’m the first girl in our grade to get boobs and now all of the other girls are being mean to me’—but still, I was the one fighting her battles for her, trying to protect her, trying to tell others to piss off, in her honor. Because she was my friend. And now, here is little Xion, in the mix with a bunch of grown ass adults, expected to carry out grown ass tasks, as a child. And yet, she never questions why this is so unfair.

“We’ll get him. The imposter. We’ll keep searching until we find something. He flew into the Organization’s radar again. Next time he does, I’ll go with you. He won’t get away from us. And he certainly won’t get away with calling you a sham or anything else.” I promise her, and I mean it, from the absolute depths of my heart. 

“Thank you.” She says, in a voice barely above a whisper. “I trust you. Really.”

“You should, I wouldn’t lie to you.” I insist, and finally, she giggles.

“I don’t think you could lie to anyone. Your temper always gets away from you too quick.” She reminds me and I snort out a laugh.

“You’re not wrong, kid.”

\--

“Fuck this castle.” I grumble, brushing clumps of dust off of me. I sneeze, violently and by time I open my eyes, Axel is choking on laughter, his hand clutching his abdomen as he wheezes. “You are the worst.”

“Oh come on! Cut me some slack, it’s early, I’m tired and you look ridiculous.” All of those are fair points, but I still chuck a wad of dust at him. It falls to the air, sinking softly before it hits him. He cracks a smirk.

“It is early, you should tell me nice things.” I stick my tongue out. “No luck inside of the cabinets, in case you were wondering.”

“I’m sorry, would it make you feel better if I said your ass looked amazing, when you were bent over inside of the cabinets?” He asks, grinning wickedly. I sigh, leaning against the cabinets. 

“No, it would make me feel better if we made some fucking progress.” I roll my eyes. “All of these rooms leading to nowhere would be really cool and I’d love to explore the hell out of them…if this wasn’t so high stakes!” I throw my hands up. 

“I’m just wondering if we’re on a trail that’s completely cold.” Axel sighs, finally. “Maybe it’s time we call it quits here. Not that I think business is finished at this castle, but I think that if Xemnas did leave anything behind here, we’d have seen at least a trace of it by now. A clue, fucking something.” I guess I haven’t really noticed until now just how exhausted he looks too. Beautiful, but spent, and I’m wondering how much of this is my fault. If it weren’t for me, constantly pushing and the absolute loathing I have for his childhood friend, would he even be here right now? Or would he be plucking along with the rest of the Organization, sleeping in late, completing missions and eating ice cream with his friends, until something explosive inevitably goes wrong. I don’t trust Xemnas as far as I can throw him and I especially don’t trust Saix. Something will go wrong, even without me here as the catalyst, but everything Axel has ever said to me echoes in my head. Sometimes the truth is not here to set us free. I want to believe that I am helping him break free of the chains that hold him down, but maybe I’m the only one who sees chains in the first place. I just don’t know anymore, and the longer I run around with him and Xion and the less we find the more unsure I grow. Being inside of Oblivion doesn’t help either. There’s a panic that sinks into my veins with each new room we enter, and I wonder when, once more, we will stumble upon the basement where I ended Zexion’s nonexistence. 

“Do you really think Hollow Bastion is going to turn up anything, if an Organization XIII facility didn’t?” I ask.

“Fuck me.” He groans. “Honestly, Rueks, I really wish I knew.”

I close the distance between the two of us, taking his face into my hands. I have to stand extra tall on my toes, just so that I can look at him, but as always, the view is rewarding as hell.

“Do you wanna take a breather on this?” I ask. “Go home, go back to bed, play hooky and just sleep the day away?” He snorts, softly, as though the very idea just hurts his absence of a heart. His eyes flick to mine, his hands hang limp at his sides.

“You’re being serious, aren’t you?” He asks. 

“Your boss can fight me if he’s got a problem with it. We were away at Oblivion for months without a day off. You had to go there on a solo mission for a damn month with no day off. That’s gotta be illegal.” I mutter, but as always, he knows what of our conversation is snarky bullshit and sifts through it, to the heart of matters.

“You’d give up snooping around today just to sleep beside me?” He asks.

“I’d do anything for you, Axel.” I promise. His eyes are so sad and so tired but so, so in love as he meets mine. Like the fact that the world around us cannot be as perfect as this moment is weighing down too heavily on him.

I sink down to my knees and try to grant him the heaven he deserves.

\--

We decide on one more day in Oblivion. Just one, to make sure we aren’t calling it quits too soon. 

It is as though some unforeseen force in the universe understands just how vital this is to us, and a light is finally seen at the end of the tunnel.

“Come see this!” I order, loudly, a book in my shaking hands. Axel is underneath a table, trying to figure out if the carving on the bottom is a sigil or just damage from moving furniture. 

“Dammit, Rueki, could you have chosen a worse time?” He sighs, clunking his head on the table as a reaction to my sudden noise. I decide not to wait for him. I crawl under the table, a little black notebook at hand. The very same one I remember reading from, months ago. I don’t recall this entry in there, but sure enough, it is there, after that passage that stood out in my mind. I must’ve stopped reading after that point.

“Look!” I sit down on the floor beside him and point a finger at the passage. With the snap of his fingers, a flame is lit, illuminating the shadows cast from under the table, as he reads the passage I just finished.

‘I have been to speak with a wiser version of myself today. He promises everything I could ever aspire for. I am not without obligation though. It is my mission to seek out twelve others, vessels for darkness. Only those with strength of heart, body and will can suffice. I believe I have found the first place to start looking. Only when all thirteen of us have gathered, can my true plans begin to take shape  
-X’

“How did you even find this?” He breathes, leaning in to take another look. “Rueki, do you have any clue what this is?”

“Looks like an old journal? I read some entry in here when we had our stint here, about memories. That one was written by someone named ‘A’ though. Seems like they’re all kind of written in code of some sorts though.” Because who goes to speak with a ‘wiser version’ of themselves? It sounds like either a bad drug trip or someone being far too introspective. But ‘X’ seems to be clear enough, as does the meaning of thirteen.

Axel flips through the pages in the journal, looking over the passage written by ‘A’ and then several other ones I remember skimming over. 

“Hell…”Axel breathes, with wide eyes and still hands. His eyes flick to mine and a spark of a grin starts to burn across his features. “This is one of the research journals from the original six. Before Hollow Bastion fell to darkness.” 

He explains to me how the original six were researches or members of the king’s guard. That there was an obsession, by the king himself, with darkness in the heart, and he ordered his researches to conduct experiments to see how individual hearts were affected by it. But with the constant exposure to darkness, eventually all of the original six became seduced by the power or the secrets that the darkness held, and fell to it. It sounds like a horror story to me, but I guess that probably means that Axel is right. A cult formed by lab experiments gone wrong.

“So then X is Xemnas?” I ask, though I can’t quite pick up who ‘I’ and ‘E’ might be, though I remember reading passages from them.

“I dunno.” Axel mutters. “I thought he went by the name ‘Ansem’ back before he lost his heart, but I also thought that was the king’s name too, so I guess I just don’t know.” Axel sighs. “Sorry, sweetheart, I was just a kid back then.” He looks up at me through his lashes, all sheepishness and vulnerability and my heart leaps into my throat. 

I realize now that we are still sitting under a table, so I start to climb out. He follows my lead and we take seats at the table, next to each other, looking over the text again.

“It would make sense for it to be Xemnas, right? Assembling thirteen vessels, that could easily be in reference to Organization XIII.” I remind him.

“Right, but look at the date on it.” He points to the tiny numbers scrawled in the upper left hand corner. I almost didn’t even see them. “This is before Hollow Bastion even fell, that would have to mean that he has been looking for thirteen of us since before anyone even lost their heart.”

I raise my eyebrows and he shakes his head.

“C’mon sweetheart. There’s no way he’s had this entire grouping planned out for over a decade.” Axel says, with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Why not?” I ask. “He never looks shocked, he never looks unsure, maybe he has planned this out for longer than you’ve been part of the plan. Is it really so shocking to think that maybe, he’s been stirring the pot this entire time? And that maybe, the reason you were told to weed out me and the others that were stationed here, was because we didn’t fit the mold of what he wanted for vessels of darkness?” 

“Larxene and Marluxia were as dark and twisted as they come.” Axel reminds me, and okay, that is true. “Besides, that kind of defeats the whole thirteen vessels thing. Why get rid of some that were, for all intents and purposes, fine?” 

“I don’t know. But for how aggressively he’s been sending everyone out on recon, maybe he’s looking to rebuild.” I offer.

“Of course he is, we’re down five members. There’s a lot of work that still needs to be done, got it memorized?” Axel asks.

“Like what?” I ask. “I’ve seen Kingdom Hearts, it’s almost full. If Roxas and Xion just double down on collecting hearts, you guys could actually have hearts back, and soon. He acts like that is a top priority, he’s always going on about it to you guys, but if that’s the case, then why are the rest of us even needed?”

“For research.” Axel says. I snort.

“On what?” He doesn’t seem to have an answer for me. Instead, he sighs, and takes the book from my hands.

“We’ll keep a hold on this. It might be useful later, but for now, let’s keep trying to find something more concrete than this. Cuz even if Xemnas was planning for thirteen of us to get taken by the darkness, it still doesn’t insinuate anything other than that, well, he’s a damn good planner.” He reminds me, which is true, but at least this is something. 

“So, we’ve got some more searching to do here?” I ask. He shrugs.

“Guess so. You and Xion making any progress?” He asks. I make a face.

“I wish. She’s determined not to give up though.” I explain. “She’s hella insecure for someone without a heart.”

“Yeah, well, she and Roxas are good for that. I thought that you were the only one who made me feel alive, the only one who reminded me what it was like to be human.” He reaches out to squeeze my hand. “But the more time the four of us spend together, the more we get ice cream and laugh about stupid stuff, the more I start to wonder…” He heaves a sigh. I lean forward, closing the distance between us, my lips grazing his. 

“There’s gotta be something.” I say, my fingers creeping from his hand, up to his chest. I rest my palm over where his heart should be. He’s so incredibly warm, it feels wrong to even consider that he doesn’t have something beating in there. But I know better than that. “Heart or no. There’s something.” 

“Don’t.” He urges, shaking his head. “Neither of us need to get our hopes up.” He insists. I climb out of the chair and into his lap, wrapping my arms around his waist. Setting my head against his shoulder, I give him a light squeeze, trying to encourage him to relax into me.

He’s right, of course. It’s going to hurt a thousand times more when the reality of everything hits me once more, but I’m safe inside of my hope. And right now, when it feels like he feels something for me, his lack of heart doesn’t seem so bad. He clutches my hips, fingertips pressing into my skin.

“You’ve got to stop keeping things from me.” I murmur. I feel him shift uncomfortable beneath me.

“Rueki, I’m not—”

“You can’t keep this hurt from me.” I press my lips to his shoulder. “You’ve acted so miserably since getting home from your month in Oblivion. I don’t know what happened but—”

“I was alone with everything.” He confesses. “No you. No Roxas or Xion. I guess Saix was right. I’ve changed since I met you three, because the second you were all gone and weren’t there to remind me of who I was, I started to feel just as empty as I did before I knew you. I wondered what the hell I was doing all of this for, I was angry at you three for not being here with me. And for making me soft. I wondered if maybe mine and Saix’s plan would’ve already been completed if I wasn’t so distracted. I guess I started thinking, hey, maybe everyone is right about me. Maybe I’m like a fucking dog, chasing its tail, all because I can’t handle the emptiness of not having a heart. I get distracted too easily by people like you, people who make me feel…something. The more and more I thought about it, the more pissed off I got. My heart was supposed to be mine, but it’s not, so I thought, as long as my life is mine, hey that’s something. But the more people I let in, the more I started to wonder—was there anything that is mine, or am I somehow a victim to everyone else’s agenda. It was so much easier, doing the lying and the manipulating so that no one else could do it to me. I got home though, and Roxas yelled at me and told me I had to look after you, and then I saw you, just lying on the couch.”

“Baby…” I touch his face, drawing my head away from his shoulder to look into his eyes.

“And, well, I knew it before, but looking at you, you looked like home. Not just you, but Roxas and Xion are starting to be that way for me too. So maybe that’s more important than having something that is all mine. But I hated how easy it was for me to resort back, when I didn’t have any of you to keep me on track.” He sighs. “Even after everything, all it takes is a gust of wind, to blow out the fire.”

“Shut up.” I order, pressing my forehead to his.

“Forgive me for bearing my heart and soul, princess.” He says, humorlessly. 

“You are not your element, Axel. And you’re not who you were. The you before wouldn’t have told me all of this. You probably would’ve just made some jokes and fucked me to distract me.” I remind him.

“Who says I won’t still do that?” He teases, and while it is tantalizing bait, I stay on track.

“The point is, you’re different. You’re changing, you’re growing and the parts of you that aren’t are the parts of you that I’m here to help with. You shouldn’t have to do any of this on your own. Trust your partner, Axel. We’re supposed to grow together. If neither of us ever changes, how will we ever make progress? I’m here for you, to keep you on track, to be your light. Whatever you’re worried about not having, stop it. Because I’ve got heart enough for both of us. So until you get yours back, you’ll just have to lean on me.” 

“Rueki…” He starts and then finally sighs. He kisses me lightly on the forehead.

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing. Never mind.” I have a feeling that it’s something, and that I should mind. But I guess right now he needs me more than I need to be right. 

And I guess that’s okay.

\--

“Rueki, wake up.” Xion is tapping at the door to mine and Axel’s room. It’s late at night, or is it early in the morning. I’m wide awake though and quickly zip myself into a coat before answering the door. Voice at a whisper, I poke my head out.

“What are you doing at this hour? Shouldn’t you be asleep?” I ask. But there’s a spark in her eyes that lights me up from the inside. 

“I’ve found him. The imposter.” That’s all it takes.

I don’t ask her how she found him, and why she was out this late, I probably should, but instead, I follow her out of the room. She opens a portal for me and we wind up…right outside the old mansion in Twilight Town? 

“Right under our noses?” I ask.

“Yes.” She nods. “I was out for a walk, I couldn’t sleep. I keep having dreams that I’m drowning. I just had to get out of bed. I was walking out here and I noticed someone go into the woods. I followed, and I swear, Rueki, it was him! He walked into the mansion, I came right after you the second I saw him!” There’s a palpable excitement in her voice, hushed and urgent. I offer her a grin.

“We’re gonna do this kid. We’ll get answers out of him, bring him back to the Organization, whatever the hell you want.” And then, go back to sleep, I think, in my exhausted state.

“Right.” She nods. With Survivor at the ready, and her Keyblade now in her hands, we make our way through the creaking gates and to the door of the mansion. The door is unlocked, there is a thick layer of dust over everything in the mansion. I take a step from the porch, in, keeping Xion safe behind me. Chairs and tables that haven’t been moved in eons, doors to rooms that might not have been open in my lifetime, decorate the place. There are not even a set of footprints marring the inch of dust across the floor. I wonder, for a moment if perhaps Xion was wrong in thinking she saw the imposter. And then, before I can turn to ask her, the doors slam shut behind me, right in front of her face.

“Xion!” I cry out, pounding at the door. I don’t know if she doesn’t hear me or if she is otherwise distracted, but I’m unable to help any further. I try at the door, twisting the knob, kicking it, throwing all of my weight into it. “Dammit!” I shake my head, turning to asses any threats in front of me, in the mansion. I contemplate for a moment, if maybe this place is haunted, though I’m not naïve enough to believe that is actually possible. 

That is when I catch sight of a pale figure, sitting at the edge of the stairs.

“Naminé.” I breathe. She meets me with the softest of smiles, her head cocking to the side.

“Hello, Rueki. It has been a little while.” Despite her mysterious appearance, I don’t hesitate in crossing the room to where she sits. She looks up at me, her brow coming together.

“You’re safe.” Is my first reaction, and I kneel down to look her in the eyes. She looks as sad and sweet as usual, I notice that her fingernails are bleeding from biting them down to the quick. Her hands are stained with markers. She looks more frazzled than she did in Oblivion, where she was being held hostage. “Are you okay?” I ask. She shrugs.

“I’m not the one you should worry about, Rueki.” She chews at her chapped lips. “You shouldn’t be here at all.”

“Then let me out. My friend and I are just trying to—”

“I know what you’re trying to do.” She whispers. “But, Rueki…I need you to think for a moment, truly. Who is this person you are following around and calling friend?”

“I thought you and I were cool enough to stop talking in riddles.” I frown at her. Her eyes flick down to her feet.

“I’m sorry.” And she genuinely sounds sincere in that. “But I cannot explain this any better, I’m afraid even I don’t know fully what’s going on. But you’re heading somewhere dark, Rueki, and if you keep down this path, you won’t make it.” She doesn’t look in my eyes as she speaks, but at my chest, my heart.

“Is this because of Organization XIII?” I ask, though I’m not sure I want to know the answer to that.

“It is so much more than just them.” She confesses. She reaches out and touches my heart. “The sealed room is cracked. It’s letting the darkness out. You’ve been having nightmares, haven’t you?” My eyes go wide.

“How did you know?” I choke, though I know how she knows. She can see into my heart. But still, the sealed room theory still disturbs me. I think of the nightmare I had in Shibuya, where Naminé told me all I had to do was knock, before she got consumed by darkness. “I’m just trying to find out the truth and help my friends. Is that really so wrong?” How can it be? 

“Rueki, a Nobody doesn’t have a right to exist.” She looks like she is going to cry as she speaks, she must truly believe this, though I can’t say I do. Not completely. I look at her and Roxas and Xion and Axel, and I cannot imagine my life without them having touched my heart. 

“That’s so fucked up. That and the whole Nobodies don’t have a heart thing. Existence and hearts, are they really the end all be all? Because I look at all of them, and I’m not stupid, you know that, but I swear that there’s something there! Something that makes them…” 

Not whole, no. But close.

Perhaps they are not whole, but does that really mean that they are broken?

Naminé offers me a half smile.

“You’re not afraid of the light anymore, Rueki. That’s nice to see.” She says. “But, this is the truth. A Nobody is nothing. A Nobody can never be anything. And the sooner you understand that, the better.”

“They’ll get their hearts back, that’s what we’re trying to do. That’s why we’re here. So a friend of mine can rest easy at night, knowing she isn’t a failure.” I insist.

“She.” Naminé says, weighing the word as though it has a tangible value. “Yes, why not, I suppose. Those do seem to be the memories that are missing. I thought it was my fault, but perhaps…”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I ask her.

“Perhaps she isn’t the one that needs to rest, Rueki.” Naminé replies. I don’t know what she’s getting at, but I don’t have time to ask. From outside, I hear Xion scream. I stand up.

“No.” I breathe. I turn to look at Naminé, demanding an explanation, but with a pained look on her chest, she touches my heart.

“I’m sorry, but maybe this will help you understand.” She sputters.

I feel a deep pang, radiate in my chest, sharp and brutal, like a knife ripping into me. 

A blinding white light flashes behind my eyes.

I don’t hear Xion scream again. I don’t even know that she is knocked unconscious, until I wake up to Axel looking over me one morning.

“Rueki!” He chokes, grabbing my face desperately in his hands. “I didn’t think you were going to—”

“Slow down.” I blink back haziness and rub my eyes. “What happened?”

“You an Xion disappeared last night. When I woke up, you were gone, Roxas noticed Xion was too. We went looking and found the two of you both passed out in the mansion. Xion, she’s out like a light, but you kept screaming, jolting up, saying ‘she’s going to kill him’ and then passing out again. I didn’t know…” Axel pinches his eyes shut and when they finally fly open again, I see the man behind them is more broken than I could even begin to fathom. “What the hell happened?”

“I don’t really know. Xion wanted to go into the mansion, the doors closed and trapped me inside but, she was stuck outside. I found Naminé, Axel.” I remember it and react with just as much shock as he does.

“In the mansion?” He asks.

“I don’t know if she just appeared there or what, it didn’t look like any sign that anyone had been there in a long time. But she told me I was heading down a dark path. And then she put her hand on my heart, I just remember being in pain, then I passed out.” I confess. Axel looks at me with a furrowed brow and narrowed eyes as his fingers trail down to my heart.

“What did she do?” I ask. He shakes his head.

“That one, I really wish I knew, Rueks.”

“What about Xion, is she awake now?” Somehow, I know the answer before he can even respond.

“No.” No, she’s not, and somehow, I know she dreams about being taken by the waves on Destiny Islands.

What did Naminé do to me?  
 


	30. Chapter 30

XXX.

We wait with baited breath on Xion’s awakening. We wait and wait, but still, I know better than to get my hopes up.

I don’t know what it is, it’s not like I’m having premonitions or anything absurd like that, I just have this feeling, this unshakable gut feeling, that she will not be waking up soon. I don’t quite know how to explain it other than that, and I still do not know if this was caused by Naminé or if she just brought on my strange, new dreams.

Not nightmares, at least.

I spend my dreams wandering through a strange, white corridor. It looks like Castle Oblivion, but there is nothing incredibly distinct about it to tell me whether or not it is Oblivion, or the Castle That Never Was. I tread cautiously, holding my breath as I open a door that calls out to me. I don’t know why I’m not surprised when I see Destiny Islands behind the door. Selphie, Tidus and a boy with orange hair stand, silhouettes slowly being filled in, but suddenly, they stop. I stare at them, with a brow quirked before closing the door. I continue down the hall to a doorway with a room that Sora sits in. He’s on the floor, quizzical glance on his face.

“Do I know you?” He asks.

“Yes…” My heart catches in my throat as I look at him, there’s something so incredibly helpless about how he looks. I want to reach out to him and though I try, I cannot will my body to move.

“I keep trying to remember all of them, but then, it just stops.” He shakes his head. “Can you do anything?”

“Sora…” I breathe.

“I wish I could remember you.” 

And that is how it goes every single night, but with different worlds. Sometimes it’s Wonderland, sometimes it is Transmute City, sometimes it is a world I’m not even familiar with, but somehow, I always understand that the residents are works in progress in Sora’s mind. Is this Naminé projecting Sora’s progress into my mind, and if so, why does it seem to be coming to a halt? What is she not telling me?

I don’t wake up shrieking anymore, but something seems quite off with Axel. In the early hours of the morning, when I expect the two of us to be fast asleep, he clutches me tight, his fingerprints searing into my skin. So hot, so desperate, I worry he will leave another mark on me. Instead, he spends the mornings whispering to me, promises, secrets, reassurances.

“You’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay.”

“As soon as I get my heart back, things will be different. You’re never going to have another nightmare, I promise.”  
“I wondered about you for so many years after I lost my heart. If I saved you, from the Heartless. I tried so hard to forget you, because I thought I failed you. And then you showed up here, and I remembered and I thought I had succeed. I guess now I know I didn’t.” I want to tell him that he didn’t fail me, not then and not now, that I’m alright, that I’m holding on, even if by a thread. His guilt makes me nauseous, but the second I open my mouth to question him, he closes up, sealing himself tighter than the chamber of my heart that my past lurks in. 

“I don’t have a heart in the first place, sweetheart. I can’t feel guilt.” He says, as though this is somehow assuring. When I don’t let it die, he leaves me in bed alone, under the guise of needing to jump into the shower. I begin to worry that if both of us are broken, our pieces will scatter to the wayside, never to be picked up. So for him, I become stronger.

I can sleep. I sleep just fine. I learn mix a sleeping draught, though, not for the first time, I wish I knew basic magic. A sleeping spell takes a little more finesse but is infinitely more accurate. And more to the point, it eliminates dreams. A draught only knocks me out. So now, instead of waking, screaming, or crying, I trap myself. Unable to escape, unable to force myself awake, unable to even walk through my dreams. Instead, I stand beside Sora as he shows me videos of missing memories.

“What do you see?” He asks me. 

“Snippets. Clips. Fragments. I can’t piece them together.” I confess.

“Neither can I.” He shakes his head. “I feel like something important is missing though. The chain that binds everything together.” And he’s right, it’s almost as though I’m staring at a bulletin board of random ideas, hoping for someone to take a roll of string and connect all of the points together. 

“None of it makes sense.” I agree.

“I never thought it would be like this.” He says. “I’ve lost everything. I didn’t know it would be this hard.”

“What?” I ask.

“Being the hero.” I cannot wake up. And I think this might be worse.

But when I roll over beside Axel, who looks careworn, like he hasn’t been able to sleep through the night, and meet him with a lazy grin, this at least seems like a good cause.

“Morning, handsome.” I flip over onto my side and wrap a leg around his waist, hoping this will right what is wrong in him.

It doesn’t.

It doesn’t matter which parts of him I kiss—his neck, his lips, his chest—it doesn’t matter how stupid of a face I make, it doesn’t matter which jokes I crack or how many times I try to get him to come for ice cream with me and Roxas. He just looks at me, hollow and sad and shaken.

“Would you just tell me what is going on with you?” I implore.

“Nothing.” He assures me.

“You’re worried, I can tell.” I press.

“I don’t have the heart for that, Rueki.” He reminds me. 

“You’ve got something. You haven’t been yourself lately. I can’t fix this unless you let me in, Axel.” I crawl into his lap, my arms snaking around his neck as I look into his eyes. He doesn’t meet my gaze.

“I miss my heart.” He says, though I don’t think that’s the house of the problem. It’s not even the welcome matt. “At least if I had one, I could blame everything on it.”

“It’s not all that great having one to blame it on.” I mean to make him smile. I meet him with a sarcastic grin. Finally, he looks at me, though everything about him screams hard to read, and I cannot begin to make heads or tails of what is going on inside of the person I care for the most.

“You should go meet up with Roxas. Can’t have the kid getting too lonely.”

I do meet up with Roxas, but not for Axel and not for Roxas. For me. We sit at the edge of the clock tower, ice cream at hand, staring out at the setting sun.

“I’m worried about Xion.” He tells me. I nod, because I am too. Almost two weeks and she hasn’t woke. I reach out and squeeze the kid’s hand. 

“I’m worried about Axel.” I confess.

“Is this what you meant about love being a weakness? Because when they’re not here with us, I feel like something is missing. I feel sad.” He murmurs.

“It’s hard.” I agree. “But we’re gonna get through it. Even if it means we have to stay by their sides every day until they’re both okay.”

“Do you think Axel’s upset that Xion’s asleep? Cuz if he is, you know, he shouldn’t be avoiding us. We both get it, we all miss her.” Roxas reminds me, as though I need it. And to be honest, I’m sure that’s part of Axel’s issue, but only a very small, insignificant part. 

“I guess I don’t know what he’s thinking. You know, you’d think after all this time, that I’d know him better than anybody else. But this is a side I’ve never seen, and he’s not letting me in any further.” I sigh.

“Will he be alright?” Roxas asks.

“Yeah.” I hope so. “Xion too.” Maybe.”

“What about your nightmares?” He asks. I shrug.

“They’re not so bad. We’ve got bigger things to worry about.” And no matter what damage Naminé might be doing to me, one thing is for certain, for the time being, she has stopped the darkness from seeping out of the sealed door of my heart. If my friend could wake up and my boyfriend could snap out of it, these might be some of the best times of my life. Instead, I sit on the clock tower, holding hands with a teenager, wishing for something magical to happen.

We’re out on a mission one day. Him, me and Axel, chasing down Heartless in a strange, medieval world. A wizard casts some sort of protective spell over something, but the castle at the edge of town is still in danger of crumbling. 

“Launch me!” I order and Axel lifts his chakrams in the air, allowing me to leap off of them. I flip into the heap of Heartless, tearing my claw straight through the heard. As I weed them down from the inside, I can hear Axel and Roxas tear them apart from the outside. I hear every slash, every grunt, but when a gap breaks in the grouping, and through the light, I see Roxas, Keyblade at the ready, charging in, I see Sora in Oblivion, charging at me.

Naminé left no room in his heart for forgiveness.

I cry out, gasping and I land on my ass with a thud. Maybe it’s the pinprick pupils. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m trying and failing to catch my breath. But Roxas seems to understand what is happening just as fast as I process it. 

“Hey, come on.” He’s at my side, his hand on the side of my face, blue eyes baring into mine. He slashes Heartless away with one hand as his other slides down my neck, my shoulder, into my hand and he tries to pull me up. “It’s gonna be okay Rueki. You’re with me and Axel. You’re safe.” He promises, lifting me to my feet. He’s strong, for being so small. But standing beside him, I realize, he isn’t so small anymore. I swear he only used to come up to the bridge of my nose, but now, he is at least an inch taller than me. We stand like that, my hand in his as I try to focus on the world around me again. He isn’t Sora, Sora is safe with Naminé. Roxas isn’t Sora, he’s my friend, and he’s here to help me. By time I am centered, Axel has completely eliminated the cluster of Heartless, to reveal Roxas and I standing, hand in hand, staring at one another. “She had a panic attack.” Roxas explains. I feel Axel’s eyes travel down to where my hand meets the Keybearer’s. Once upon a time, I might have accused him of being jealous, and he might’ve said he didn’t have the heart to be. But now, watching his brow knit together as he looks at Roxas and I, I worry that I have pushed him too far. There was nothing sexual about the gesture, nothing romantic, nothing to be jealous of in the first place. And yet, somehow, I still feel guilty.

“Let’s just go back home.” Axel says. Roxas insists we all go get ice cream, Axel tells the two of us to go ahead, that there’s something he needs to take care of. Unsurprisingly, I follow after Axel, reaching out for his hand, which he tears away from me. “Just stop.” He sighs, once we are safely in the confines of our room.

“You’re mad at me. I get it, I’m sorry, but there wasn’t anything to be jealous of. Roxas had to do a lot of stepping up and comforting me when you were gone for a month. I needed a little bit of physical comfort to keep me sane, so he held my hand or hugged me, it’s all innocent, Axel.” I insist.

“Oh I have no doubt about that.” He says, though his tone is clipped. I remember this as the way he talked to Marluxia, to Larxene, to two whom he was pretending, so hard, to tolerate. 

“Then what is the deal?” I throw my hands up, watching him retreat to the bathroom. I dart forward, cutting in front of him, standing in his path. “Tell me!”

“I’m not in the mood for this right now, Rueki.” He says with the wave of his hand.

“You haven’t been in the mood for anything in weeks!” I remind him. “I just want us to be okay, I want you to be happy, don’t you realize that’s everything to me?”

“Don’t bet all your cards on me, sweetheart.” He kisses my forehead, but brushes past me. “That’s a surefire way to lose.”

\--

We’re in Wonderland, him and I, on recon, inside of a very strange garden. There’s a table set up, with a mismatched tea set, a cold kettle and half eaten crumpets. I turn to tell him that I think we went the wrong way, when suddenly, he has me bent completely over the table. With the swipe of his arm, he knocks the table clear in front of us. I hear the shifting of fabric, feel the friction of his hips against my ass. He yanks down my shorts and panties in one fluid movement and plunges into me. All at once, I feel every muscle in my body uncurl.

“Oh, thank fuck.” I breathe. He grasps my hips, hands hot as he pounds into me. He’s all desperate breaths and choked moans, and I could get off on the sound of him alone. But he presses his chest into my back, and one his hands swing around to tease my clit.

“Is this good?” He asks, and I can hear anxiety creeping at the edge of his voice.

“Yes, Axel, don’t stop.” It’s not hard for me to throw my head back in lust, to beg him for more. Because this is what I want, all of him, all he has to offer and then some. He takes off his gloves, his fingernails sink into my skin. “Yes, baby, please.” I whimper. He slams into me, hips snapping back with so much force that it takes my breath away. My face goes red, I sweat, trying to steady myself against the table. But his thrusts are unrelenting, needy.

“Do you love me, Rueki?” He chokes and my eyes go wide. We had resolved that there wasn’t a need to say that word, not until he could mean it, but I hear the absolute agony in his voice. He needs this. For as much as I thought I needed this, the closeness, the heat, the friction, he needs this on an entirely different level.

“Yes!” If this helps bring my man back to reality, back to me, then how can I not oblige? 

“Am I enough, is this enough?”

“Always.” Is my easy answer, but I’m not sure if he is asking me anymore.

“I’m not enough. How can I not protect you and fucking Roxas can? How do you keep falling apart and I can’t fucking save you?” His hands are balled into fists, nails scraping my flesh, and I let out a cry that is entirely pain, not pleasure.

“Axel, stop!” And to his credit, he does. He releases my hips, pulls out of me, and to my surprise, he is semi soft as he does. He didn’t come so… “It didn’t happen?” Part of me wonders if I’ve done something wrong, if maybe I am not enough, but his reaction quickly proves otherwise. 

“Dammit!” I’m pulling my shorts back on and standing up as Axel knocks over the remnants of the table. His chakrams appear in his hands and he smashes them against the table. The wood splinters and cracks beneath his force. He flings a teacup across the garden, breaks a chair with an easy blow. Fire starts burning on his very being, flames creeping at the edges of his limbs. I stumble back, against the edge of the garden, eyes wide as the flames lick at the table, the chairs, the grass. They crawl into the woods. I draw in a shaky breath.

“Axel!” I scream. He doesn’t look once at me. “Axel, dammit!” I draw a hand up to my mouth, trying to shield my face from some of the ash as I take a step forward. He burns, obscenely hot, but I reach out and grab him. It feels like I am touching a lit stove, but this pain is nothing. This, I can endure. “Axel!” He whips around, his eyes darting to mine, and I find that he looks a lot like a wild animal. Possessed, violent, untamable. And then, suddenly, very afraid.

“I have to get out of here.” He breathes, his voice wavering.

“We have to get out of here.” I correct. I synthesize a Flash Flood, casting into the woods. The second I do, we disappear into a portal. He tries to stalk straight past me.

“We’re not fucking doing this shit!” I scream, my voice frayed. He freezes, his back to me. “You just lost your fucking mind in Wonderland, nearly burnt the whole world down, you’ve been acting like a fucking weirdo for weeks, and then you act like this is no big deal? No. You don’t get to fucking do that. I’m your girlfriend, I’m your fucking partner. Talk to me, Axel! Talk to me right now, or this is fucking done.” It’s an empty threat, of course. By the end of he day, I’d have my legs wrapped around his waist, begging him to take me back.

“That’s really all it takes, sweetheart?” His voice has a bite to it. I know that tone. He may have accused me of being a sarcastic bitch when I’m trying not to feel things, but he deflects just as hard and in the same way that I do. This time, I do not waver, I am ready for him. “If you can’t take the heat—”

“Don’t do that to me.” I close the distance between the two of us, taking his hand from behind. Sometime between his freak out and now he put his gloves back on, but the leather barely shields me from the heat. “How much heat have I taken for you? And how much have I forgiven? You wanted to know how I felt about you, I told you. But I also told you a long ass time ago that you can’t hide things from me!”

“I’m not hiding anything!” He snaps. “There’s nothing to hide.”

“You haven’t been you, and I miss you, Axel. So fucking much.” I plead.

“There’s nothing to hide…” He insists, though his voice wavers this time. “Because I don’t have a heart. I can’t feel anything… But why the fuck do I feel so damn inadequate?” His voice roars inside of the portal, scorching me. My eyes go wide as I look over him, thankful that I am not facing him. I don’t know what reaction I am supposed to have to this. Me, the one with the heart.

“Baby, you’re not…” I start.

“Don’t fucking do that, Rueki! I can’t find anything to get my heart back, I can’t figure out a way to stop you from having panic attacks, having nightmares, falling apart at the seams. I can’t, but Roxas has no problem with it!” He insists.

“Don’t make this a jealousy thing.” I beg.

“It’s not. It’s an ‘our friend can care for you, but I can’t’, thing. I’ve ruined you. I brought you into all of this, and I was a selfish asshole in Shibuya. I brought you into all of this, sent you down a road that’s more than I should ask of anyone, and expected you to just shoulder it? You know what I think about that? I think that’s a piece of shit thing to do to someone you care about. I should’ve been a fucking man and sent you away to keep you safe. Instead, I’m a greedy bastard. I just had to keep taking and taking, and now, you’re having strange dreams about Sora. Naminé did something weird to you, and I have no idea what it is or how to help. One of our friends has been in a coma for the past two weeks, the other has to pick up my slack, because somehow, a teenage kid knows how to be a better partner for my girl than I do. And then, now, I can’t even sneak in a quickie with you, without turning into a basket case? I don’t have a fucking heart, I don’t have feelings, so why the hell am I feeling like such shit?” His voice echoes in the emptiness. Even with my hand in his, everything about me, all the way to my insides feels cold. I was so worried that I was fucked up beyond recognition. That the sealed door in my heart was breaking down, that I was, like Naminé said, one push away from falling to pieces for good. I didn’t think for a second that maybe… 

Maybe the man with all the answers is only grasping in the dark.

I reach around him, wrapping my arms around him from behind, pressing my cheek to his back.

“Rueki, don’t—”

“Shh.” I silence him. “We’re going to get through this. We’re going to figure this out.” I promise. I don’t know how, but holding him close like this, I find a strength in me, in the depths of my heart, that I wasn’t aware existed. An override, a selflessness that my being produces only in times of desperate need. Right now, my heart ache doesn’t matter so much. I knew, of course, that it needed to be set aside for him. But I wasn’t prepared to be the one trying to cast the healing light upon him. If that is what he needs though, if that will bring back the cocky smiles and the snarky comments, then I am more than pleased to offer it.

“You know, not having a heart means I can see past the bullshit comforting pretty easily.” He sighs, shoulders slumping, body going limp beneath my touch.

“Don’t be a dick.” I scold. “You can’t get through this right now, fine. You can’t shoulder all this weight? That’s okay. You feel broken? Well guess what, I’ve never lied to you. I’m not broken, Axel. I’m dented, sure, but I’m not beyond repair. And I’m not a complete mess. Right now, it’s okay that you need me. Friends sometimes need to lean on each other, remember? And I’m your girlfriend, but I’m more than that. I’m your friend, I’m your very best friend. It’s my job to be here for you when you need me to be, so let me do that for you, baby. Lean on me. Let me take on some of this. Let me protect you.” He is still in my arms.

“I’ve already asked so much of you, I’ve already put so much on you.” He says.

“You’re not asking, though.” I remind him. “I’m offering. You’re not forcing me, you’re not manipulating me. I’m being nice.”

“Is that something you do by choice?” My eyes flick up, and at the edge of his face, I can see a smile starting to creep. It lights me up from the inside.

“This is a once in a lifetime thing, Dancing Flames. Don’t shit on it.” I warn, with a big ass grin on my lips. He turns around, cupping my face in his hands, though my arms still circle his waist.

“You’re pretty perfect when you wanna be, Rueks.” He smiles.

“I’m very aware.” I nod. “You’re pretty alright too.” I wink.

“Such an attitude.” He laughs.

“It’s almost as big as my ass.” I say. “Speaking of which, I definitely was down with that position. Why don’t we do it doggy style more often?” 

“Because you’ve got a reasonably cute face?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Hmm. Well, let’s go try that out again. See how it works. Because…I know that part of you works.” I offer him a smile, and for the first time in weeks, he meets me with one as well.

\--

I turn nineteen while Xion is asleep. The event is hardly memorable, and were it not for a calendar in mine and Axel’s room with dates scratched off, I never would’ve realized.

“It’s my birthday.” I announce one morning, as he towel dries his hair.

“No it’s not.” He corrects me. When I meet his gaze I notice something broken in his eyes. Fuck.

“I guess not.” I shrug. “It’s the anniversary of the day I woke up in Transmute City. It’s how I’ve been keeping track of my age.”

“It’s the anniversary of the day our world fell into darkness.” He offers me a bitter smile. “The anniversary of the day I became a Nobody.” But I don’t miss a beat. I wrap my arms around him, tucking my head into his chest.

“Guess it’s both of our birthdays. We should celebrate, get ice cream on the clock tower with Roxas. He misses you.” 

\--

Xion wakes. I feel it before I know it has happened. My eyes go wide, I turn to Axel, a smile creeping across my features, as we sit in the lounge type area.

“You look like a horror movie monster.” He grins, sideways at me.

“It’s Xion.” I say. “She’s up.”

“How can you tell?” He asks, I shake my head.

“I dunno. Maybe it’s what Naminé did to my heart. Maybe I can sense my friends and how they are.” I offer. Sure enough, within minutes, Roxas and Xion make their way into the room. I waste no time dashing over to the girl and throwing my arms around her. “You’re up!” I feel beyond cheery. She giggles, wrapping her arms back around me. There’s something familiar about the laugh that I can’t quite place.

“Yes! I’m sorry I worried you guys.” She says.

“Oh man, don’t rope all of us in with Rueki. Some of us didn’t spend the last twenty days freaking out.” Axel chuckles, though he comes over and ruffles her hair. I shoot him some serious side eye. He smirks and shrugs and that feels enough like the real Axel for me.

“I want to come with you guys on your mission today. May I?” She asks as Axel and I pull away. I look to Roxas, who just sighs, and I know that he has already had this debate with her, based on his expression. There will be no telling her no. 

“We could always use another hand. Just be careful, alright? We don’t need you passing out on us again, got it memorized?” Axel asks. Xion nods, obediently.

“Of course.”

We get as far as the station plaza before Xion does collapse. My eyes go wide as a vision appears inside of my mind. A girl with red hair falls into Sora’s arms, like a gust of wind. He glows with resonance as he looks to the Keyhole in some strange world. The same girl has her hands on her hips, in a different world, a sassy smile on her face as Sora holds some sort of star shaped trinket.

“It’s my lucky charm, be sure to bring it back to me!” The girl orders, in a voice so much like Xion’s that I blanche. 

When my vision returns, Axel is holding onto Xion and a monster of a Heartless has appeared. Roxas’ eyes go wide, his Keyblade materializes. What the fuck was that vision? I don’t have time to wonder any more though. The Heartless shoots a laser beam straight out, toward where Axel and Xion are. Without hesitation, I dive in, Survivor ready. I hold my arm up, taking the brunt of the attack. I huff, with my guard up, it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as it could’ve but this thing is a beast. It still takes my breath away. I’m panting as I look to Axel and Xion, my man, standing there, mouth agape.

“I already told you, let me be the strong one. I can do that.” I can be the watcher, his guardian. This is what I was made for. “Take Xion back to the castle, baby. Neither Roxas nor I can carry her. We’ll take this thing out and capture more hearts for Kingdom Hearts. We got this. Right kid?”

Roxas charges forward, smashing his Keyblade down into the Heartless.

“Right!” He grins back at Axel. I offer my man a sideways sort of smile.

“This, I can handle. Got it memorized?” I wink at him. I swear to Twilight, I watch him light up, flames burning bright.

“Of course.” He nods at me, grinning. “Be careful.” 

“Can’t make any promises, but that’s what the kid is for.” I nod over to Roxas before charging in. I watch Axel open up a portal and disappear into it. It doesn’t take Roxas and I long to knock down the Heartless, both of us beating on it with a whole new ferocity. For Xion, for Axel, for everything we hold dear to us. Roxas opens up a portal to the castle and we sprint into a stairway, where Axel is taking Xion up to her room. Saix intercepts us. My blood boils the second I make eye contact with him.

“Well that didn’t take long. Did it break again?” He rolls his eyes. I see red. How dare he? How fucking dare he? I look at my lover and I have seen the absolute agony in his eyes, how torn he has been, and over this Organization and the bullshit they tell him. A heart doesn’t matter, I don’t think. I look at my friends and I am certain of that. I look at Saix and I see how cruel somebody can be when they think they don’t have a heart to break. This wicked, icy, uncaring fucking bastard.

“She’s not an ‘it’!” Roxas snaps. Axel passes VII with a nasty look on his face and mutters something that I cannot hear. 

“You’ve changed.” Saix accuses. And he’s right, Axel has changed, and by far for the better, he’s grown, matured, his entire being has warmed and like hell am I going to let this asshole try to make him feel bad for that. I rip my arm back and launch myself at him. Somehow, Axel sees that coming.

“Roxas!” Axel orders and before my fist can make contact with Saix’s face, Roxas has his hand wrapped around it and is pulling me back. “Baby come on, I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” Axel tells me, still carrying Xion over his shoulder. I literally glow. He didn’t waste a second, worrying about Saix or wanting to diffuse the fight for anything beyond not wanting me to get into trouble. I am his priority. Even when he was otherwise occupied, he had Roxas at the ready to make sure that his partner didn’t land herself in too deep. What’s more is he isn’t letting those ice cold words bother him I bite my lip, my eyes flick up to Saix’s. 

There is not hate in them, there is nothing. They somehow seem emptier, utterly void of life as he regards me. 

“What happened at Castle Oblivion? Does the past mean nothing to you?” He asks Axel. And while there is a comeback brewing, I don’t poke the bear. I have won already. Instead, Roxas and I follow Axel to Xion’s room, where he lays her out on her bed.

“Are you worried about her, Axel?” Roxas asks, taking a seat at the foot of her bed. His hand touches her ankle, delicately, as I stand beside Axel, my hand finding his with ease. But that doesn’t satiate him, he pulls me in closer. I lean my head into his arm and I finally feel him start to ease a bit.

“Of course I am.” Axel barely whispers. Even after our talk, he has been so beyond worried lately. 

“It just doesn’t seem like you.” Roxas confesses, his eyes never leaving Xion.

“What do you mean?” Axel asks, and I get the feeling I should be quiet on this one.

“I mean, you don’t like things to be complicated.” Roxas shrugs.

“I think this one went and ruined that a long time ago.” Axel says, but he looks at me with his eyebrows raised and his eyes so incredibly vulnerable. I squeeze his hand. Maybe this is complicated, but maybe this is better. Three people here that I would cross any distance for, three without hearts, that I love enough for all of us.

“You know, Roxas…” I start, trying to think of how to phrase this to him. Because I fear Axel may be broken, and now is the time that he needs me, that all three of them need me. The weight on my shoulders might be too much to bare, but they don’t need to know that. “Each day the four of us meet up for ice cream. Now why do you think that is?” 

“Huh?” He asks.

“You know, if you think about it, the lot of us don’t need to go out of our way to meet up.” I remind him. “Right?”

“I don’t know.” I guess I should’ve expected that answer.

“Really?” I sigh.

“It’s because the four of us…are best friends.” Axel says and the words seem to sink into his very bones. As though they are reanimating him, restoring life in him that he had forgotten completely that he had. Suddenly, his face doesn’t seem so ashen anymore. He burns a little brighter, perhaps not snuffed out for good.

“Wait, really?” Roxas asks. I offer him a smile as warm as the sun.

“Yep.” I say. And then, to tease Axel. “Get it memorized.”

“Hey!” Axel laughs, bumping hips with mine. “That’s my line.”

“We’re best friends.” Roxas too, lights up, as he speaks. From the bed, a musical giggle sounds off.

“I didn’t know the three of you could be so sweet.” Xion peeks an eye open and offers a snarky grin. Axel scratches his head, his eyes hitting the floor, but I turn him quickly, grabbing his shoulders, twisting his skinny frame into mine. I don’t care that this is in front of our friends, I press my body into his and lean on my toes, pushing my lips to his. For the first time in almost three weeks, there isn’t fear or desperation in his touch, but trust. And love.

“Are you feeling better?” I hear Roxas ask her as Axel and I pull away, and it seems his attention is only for her. The way Axel’s eyes feel on me, I think that maybe I know the feeling.

“I just got a little dizzy, that’s all. Sorry to worry you guys.” Xion chews her lip.

“Don’t scare us like that anymore.” Axel insists.

“What about not having a heart or being able to fear?” I ask, a smirk on my face. But Axel’s face is as soft.

“What about a heart not being the end all, be all?” He asks. I glow.

“Yeah.” Is all I can manage in response. “Just take it easy, today.” I warn Xion. She nods.

“I will. Thank you. All of you.”

And that should be the end of it. 

But I settle in for more strange dreams that night. This time, Sora and I stand, staring over Naminé as she draws. Me, Roxas, Axel and Xion.

“Us.” Sora says to me. I look to him with an eyebrow raised, before I remember he is Roxas and Roxas is him. None of that seems or feels right anymore. Sora is not the person I have ice cream on the clock tower with. He’s not the person who tried to keep me safe from Saix, who held me and stayed the night, talking with me when Axel was not around to protect me from my nightmares. Sora is not my hero anymore, not like the golden boy in Naminé’s portrait.

“Is he why you can’t remember?” I ask Sora.

“No. Not him.” Naminé shakes her head. “Her.” I look up to Sora and see, that on the boy’s neck, is now a familiar face. Naminé’s. I am confused, until it shifts slowly in the light of the open window, to that of a girl with wide blue eyes and short, dark hair.

“Xion.” But I don’t understand.

“If it comes down to one of us, who would you choose?” Sora-Xion reaches out to touch my cheek.

“You can’t ask me that. You’re both my friend.” I choke.

“Then you leave the choice to another you call friend. Is that really the weight a fourteen year old boy should have to bear? Are you really so selfish?” Sora-Xion asks.

“Roxas?” I breathe. Sora-Xion shrugs.

“There can only be one, Rueki. Would you really rather lose us all, just to wash your hands of guilt?” Sora-Xion asks. Their hand wanders up my cheek and to my forehead. They press against my third eye, and I feel myself fall far, far, far back. Through the inkiest blackness. But in my mind’s eye, I see Sora’s memories as he tries to reach out and grasp them.

“I just can’t wait, once we set sail. It’ll be great.” Kairi sighs.

“There’s no way you’re taking Kairi’s heart!” Sora roars at a boy with silver hair.

“Come on, Sora! Together we can do it!” That same boy with silver hair—it must be Riku, I think—calls out.

“All for one and one for all!” Sora, Donald and Goofy set their hands together.

He reaches out, falling in time with me, desperate to touch them.

“Help!” He begs me. And I want to, but as I see the memories fly by, they wipe away, like a watercolor scene, and slowly, they bleed into reds, oranges and yellows.

“Friends need to lean on each other every now and then.” Axel smiles.

“You’re not a mistake.” Roxas insists.

“On our down time, you and I are gonna hunt down this imposter.” I say, and suddenly, I realize whose memories they are. Not Roxas’, but Xion’s. And they just keep getting in the way. I see Kairi appear in front of me and my heart stops. She looks like Xion, completely identical but with red hair instead of black. 

“Do you understand, Rueki?” Kairi asks me.

And suddenly, I do. Without a shadow of a doubt. I wake up, gasping for life. Axel sits at the foot of our bed, dressed and distraught. I wonder when he woke up, or if he even slept at all. My heart hammers, so loud, pulsing so that I can feel it radiating up to my temples.

“Rueki.” Axel whispers. 

“You’re up…” I mutter, though my mind is not anywhere near on him.

“I was in the library, trying to piece some things together. Since you know, we haven’t been to Oblivion in weeks. And I found something written by Vexen.” He murmurs, his voice very careful, very soft.

“Can you please just get to it? I have something to tell you, I think I know what Naminé did to me.” I look at him.

“Xion isn’t real. She never has been, she’s a replica.” He tells me, flatly. That’s the final piece. He connects everything together. I laugh, bitterly, throwing my head back,

“Fucking dammit.” I whisper. “Of course.”

“Rueki, it’s going to be—” 

“Please don’t say alright.” I stop him. “I think Naminé put an empathy link on me and Sora.” 

“A what?” He asks, and truly, I’m surprised that he doesn’t already know what this is. Though I guess I had only read about it before, until now.

“She linked our hearts and our memories. Like linking two bracelets together. She can still separate them without breaking either of us, but I think she wanted me to realize that she was having a hard time restoring Sora’s memories, and I think it’s because of Xion.” I confess.

“What, why?” He asks.

“She’s a replica…Do you know who she was created based on?” I ask.

“No.” Axel sighs, finally.

“Well, I think I do.” I let the words settle in the air before I speak. “I think she’s a replica created from Sora’s memories. And I think the longer she is alive, the more memory she drains from him.”


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I used to write chapters between 3-5 thousand words and not these fucking beasts lol

XXXI.

Axel comes to the conclusion quickly that it doesn’t matter what Xion is, that they are friends, that none of this matters. I wish I had the same resolve. 

Instead, my dreams dive deeper, deeper into Sora’s memories. I have to watch my three friends smile and eat ice cream on top of the clock tower, like nothing is wrong. My reservations are stressful at best. This shouldn’t be something that crosses my mind, this shouldn’t be something that weighs heavy on me. This shouldn’t be happening.

Instead, now, when I look at Xion, I see Sora’s face, his eyes, his smile and a pleading desperation behind it all for my help. I understand, of course, why Naminé connected my heart with the Keybearer’s. I don’t want to make this choice, a friend for a friend, but despite it all, I know the right one. Sora must prevail.

I drop off the face of existence, finding myself in the library more often than not, nose in a book, trying to find something, anything, a loophole that will dissuade me in any way. I don’t want to be the one to pull this trigger. They say after your first kill, it gets easier. I know that is true, but I have never looked in the eyes of a friend and watched them die before. I don’t think I’m nearly cold enough to be the girl for that job. Not for the first time, since arriving here, I wish I didn’t have a heart.

“Did I do something wrong?” I whip around to see Axel sitting on a table in the library, having just teleported in. My stomach drops, but I suppose better him than Roxas or Xion. I don’t think I could stand to look at either of them right now.

“No.” I say, flatly, setting my book back on the shelf. 

“You know, Roxas has been worried about you, you haven’t been coming for ice cream for almost two weeks now.” Axel reminds me, as though I need it. Thirteen days.

“Roxas worries too much.” I counter.

“I’m worried about you too.” I hear him pick himself up from the table. He closes the distance between us, wrapping his arms tightly around me, his chest to my back, his chin on top of my head.

“I said you didn’t do anything wrong, so stop worrying and just leave it alone.” I mutter.

“What the hell has gotten into you, sweetheart?” He sighs. “Does this have something to do with the empathy link? If Sora’s heart is asleep, does that mean yours is too?” I don’t know if he’s trying to joke with me, but I don’t particularly love it. 

“Sora is in the position he’s in because of us. And now, there’s a replica draining his memories, preventing Naminé from restoring them. So yes, I’m a little bit focused on trying to fix that.” I bite back. His arms don’t fall away from me and I am a little bit impressed by that. But right now, I am not completely satiated by his endurance.

“Actually, Sora is in the position he’s in because of Naminé. It’s her job to figure out how to fix him, not yours. And the fact that you’re looking at our best friend like she’s a monster is—”

“Who’s face do you see on her?” I ask.

“What are you talking about?” He asks me.

“I used to see Naminé’s. Then it became a girl with short dark hair, and now it’s Sora’s face.” I say. “I look at her, and I hear her voice, but I see his hair, his face, his expressions and I can’t unsee that, Axel. I can’t look at her and not feel like this is my fault.”

“Your guilty conscience is getting the best of you, Rueks.” He unwraps his arms from me and spins me around by my shoulders so that I’m facing him. His hands stray down to my hips, where he holds me in place. 

“Probably.” I agree. “But so much has happened because I’ve let you or Luxord or Xemnas manipulate me. I get blind sighted, I think I’m in the right but once it’s too late, I realize I’m in the wrong. I can’t keep letting bad things happen because I think I’m doing right by my loved ones. This isn’t about friends or enemies, this is about doing what’s right. And maybe that’s why Naminé did this to me, because she knew I’d eventually stop being so blinded by my heart and figure that out.”

“Or, maybe she did it because she’s another person using you, did you ever think about that?” He asks, his eyes deadly serious, his tone rising a bit with agitation.

“She’s a child.” I remind him.

“She’s a child who chose to follow Marluxia’s plan and warp Sora’s memories past the point of no return, stop forgetting about that.” He insists.

“She was held captive by you people, what was she supposed to do?” What was I supposed to do? What am I still supposed to do? I feel so misguided, so empty. 

“Gee, princess, I really appreciate being roped in with everyone else.” He rolls his eyes.

“So let’s leave. When all of this gets figured out and Sora has his memories back. Let’s get the hell out of here.” I plead, gripping the fabric of his coat.

“I already told you, that’s not possible.” He shakes his head.

“Then I don’t know what to do.” I sigh. “If Xion is standing in the way of Sora getting his memories back, then something needs to be done. And there’s no silver lining at the end of this.”

“What are you going to do, Rueki, kill her?” He looks utterly disgusted at me, and I am beyond pissed at that. How many members of his own Organization did he eliminate without a second thought? All in the name of doing right by his boss. If I have to make a hard decision to do right by someone who is the epitome of good, does that really make me less than him?

“Not if I can help it.” I confess. “That’s why I’m in here, I’m trying to figure out what can be done to sever the chain of their memories without destroying either of them. Maybe if I bring something like that to Naminé she will know what to do.”

“Not if you can help it…” He whispers. “I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation all based on a dream you had, what have you done with the girl I fell in love with?” I reach out and slap him. I don’t even have to think about it. I tear away from him.

“Fuck you.” I spit. “How dare you for try to make me feel worse about this. You don’t think this is already hard on me? She’s my friend too, I was the one who spent weeks hunting down an imposter that gave her a complex. I’m doing everything I can, Axel. But some boy shouldn’t have to spend his life in a pod because a human doll is intercepting his memories.”

“Is that really what you think of those of us who are hollow, Rueki? That we’re nothing but a group of puppets?” He drawls, lips curled over his teeth like a feral animal.

“Stop roping yourself in like you are in the same boat she’s in. You’re not hurting anyone by existing.” I counter.

“You’re the damn one who said that I was ‘one of them, make up your mind.” He waves his hand at me. “The fact of the matter, Rueks, is that I don’t exist. I just am. And I don’t have a right to be. No, Xion doesn’t, but neither do I, neither does Roxas, neither does Naminé.” He reminds me, as though I need it. “So you want to gun her down so that your little friend can get his heart back, I won’t stop you. But don’t forget, the same can be said for any of us. What’s stopping you from killing the rest of us, to tip the scales of darkness from the universe? Do whatever the hell you want though, Rueki, I won’t stop you.” But he won’t look at me the same either. I hate how much that bothers me. I set my head in my hands, trying not to cry, not again, not in front of him.

“I don’t want to kill anyone. I never should’ve had to in the first place.” I whisper.

I swear I can tangibly feel the tension in the air begin to thicken.

“Is that how it’s going to be?” He asks. I peek out from between my fingers. I hate that his face is crumpled. Not angry, just disappointed.

“This is hard enough already, okay?” I ask. “Please just…don’t make me feel any worse about it.” My voice is small, yielding, everything that I don’t want it to be. 

“Oh Rueki.” He sighs

“You’re not like her, Axel. Please don’t…not that she’s a bad person, I don’t even care that she’s a replica, I just can’t…” My knees buckle, my hands fall away from my face, I chew my lip. He reaches out to take my hand in his. His warmth is soothing, but it isn’t enough. I feel a tear slide down my cheek. His eyes widen at the sight. 

“Rueki.” He breathes my name and pulls me into a tight hug. I bury my face into his chest and weep. 

“This isn’t fair!” I wail. “This isn’t fucking fair, fuck Naminé for putting this on me! How the hell did she think that I’d be able to shoulder any of this? She said herself, the darkness was getting to be too much for my heart, why should I just have to keep on taking it?” My voice is a scream at the end of my rant, muffled only by Axel’s body. My form shakes beneath his touch, I want to reach out to wrap my arms around him, but the very effort seems too much for me to handle.

“I know.” He whispers. 

“Xion is my fucking friend! She’s my friend, whatever happens to her shouldn’t have to be at my hands, I still have a heart to break, why did it have to be me that gets pushed over the edge?” I shout. Axel is quiet for a very long moment. When he does speak, his eyes look so guilty, so empty and broken. His fingers dance down my body, lingering on my hip, where he previously scarred me.

“I wondered, for a moment, if I got my heart back when I touched you that first time in here.” Axel says, looking to the library around us. His thumb rubs circles around my hip. “I had never heard of anyone becoming a slave to their own element, like I did. It felt like I didn’t have control of myself anymore, that all that was left of me was fire. I couldn’t control fire before I lost my heart, so I figured, hey, maybe this is it. My body gives me one last hoorah, my heart is restored, and all thanks to this pretty girl who’s face looks so familiar to me. That’s why I was really into finding out who you were to me. You know, I don’t give the full treatment to just anyone.”

“The full stalker treatment?” I ask, a smile playing at the edge of my lips, despite it all.

“It’s not stalking if you enjoyed it, Rueks.” He laughs, and I find that the sound starts to thaw my insides, warming my heart, willing the fractured pieces back together. “Of course, I didn’t get my heart back, I realize that the second I opened up a portal into the darkness. No such luck for me, I guess. But I wondered, what the hell, then, if I didn’t get my heart back? It wasn’t like I burnt you on purpose, and even at the very beginning of being a Nobody, I never had any issues controlling the flames. I thought, hey, maybe it was you, maybe it’s something that happens when we have sex. So I brought you back into my room, a little controlled experiment. And damn, how many times did we go at it after they announced I’d be chaperoning you? But still, nothing. I asked Saix, and he told me to stay away from you, that this was probably a sign that my shell was getting worn out. That I shouldn’t waste my energy on you. But at that point, you already had me hooked, princess. So whatever it is on your hip, I may never know. And I’m sorry that you were marked but, all I’m getting at is…You can keep getting dented up. You can keep falling apart, you can always fall apart around me, you told me you could shoulder my troubles, well guess what? It goes both ways. I might not know the right words to say, it doesn’t come nearly as easily to me as it does to Roxas. Maybe that’s what makes him the hero, maybe that’s what makes me weak. But it doesn’t matter how many times you break, Rueki. It doesn’t matter if you get bruised or scratched or burned or if you wake up in the middle of the night screaming, even with the lights on. Because I’m always going to be there to try my damndest to hold you together. Even if it’s the last thing I do, got it memorized?”

My body has melted completely in his arms. My limbs feel light, I’m at a loss for words. 

“So when I told you that you were the person I fell for, it wasn’t cuz I was trying to throw it back into your face, okay babe? It’s because…with everything happening, everything we’ve learned and dealt with and what you were going through, I just felt like it was time to say it. Heart or not, I just wanted my girl to know that she is loved.” 

And just when I think, there is no possible way that he could have my heart any more than he already does, he finds away. I am so amazed and so in awe of who he is and what he has become. So sarcastic, so smart, so devious and yet, the lengths he will go for those he cares about, the things he will make happen, the selfishness that he will cast aside when I need him to be selfless. I don’t think I have ever been so thoroughly won over by any one person in my entire life. And yet, here is this man, who claimed so persistently that he didn’t have a heart, that I wouldn’t be smart if I held out for him, proving me wrong, time and time again. Proving to me how much my heart can grow. If there is such a thing as completely unconditional love, I think that we have found it in one another. I tilt my head up, drawing away only so that I can look him in the eye.

“I love you Axel. So much.” It doesn’t seem like enough to say, but the way his eyes shine like the sun, tells me that it is. Somehow, just a few words can be everything.

“I love you, Rueki.” He presses his forehead against mine, but our lips don’t touch. There is a tenderness in this though, in this very moment. Gingerly, I touch his sides, lightly resting my hands there. “But don’t tell anyone else, I don’t want them to think I’m more whipped than I already am.” He flashes me a deliciously crooked smile, and I catch myself laughing again. 

“How the fuck do you always do that.” I shake my head.

“Woo you? Impress you to the nines? Turn you on beyond compare with just a few words?” He offers. And yes, all that and then some.

“Make me laugh.” I correct. “When things seem bad, you make me smile. When I’m falling apart, you make me turn into a giggling mess. When something seems impossible, you come in and brush it aside, like there’s nothing we can’t take on together.” Even when not too long ago, he seemed broken beyond compare.

“You’re my partner.” He says, simply, and somehow, that means everything. Girlfriend and boyfriend don’t seem enough, with all we’ve been through. Partner though, after Shibuya, that fits. “And hey, maybe you’re not the only one that needed someone to go the distance for them. Maybe I’ve been searching for that a little while too.” 

“Saix.” Is all I say, because suddenly, everything makes so much sense. Why he’d cling to a dead, borderline toxic friendship for someone who doesn’t seem to give a shit about his happiness. He needs something, someone. For all of his talk about being a hollow being, maybe that isn’t him just relaying what he is told. Maybe, beneath the jokes, the attitude, and even beneath the compassion and the loyalty, maybe, there is something twice as broken as me. The time that Xion spent asleep certainly showed a glimpse of that, but maybe, there is so much more of him that needs healing. And maybe, we don’t need to lay in broken pieces, scattered to the wind. Maybe we can heal each other. 

“You’re not gonna ditch me now that I’ve bared my soul, are ya sweetheart?” He asks, and through the bravado, I can hear a crack in his voice.

“I think that the next day we have off, you’re gonna take me back to Destiny Islands, and we’re going to eat that fucking star shaped fruit and tell everyone are destinies are tied together, and be corny as all hell.” I say.

“Does that mean we can act really snooty and like we’re better than everyone else, because our love is so special?’ He laughs.

“And of course, make out everywhere we go, and when people tell us to get a room, we’ll flip them off and tell them they don’t understand what it feels like to be so in love.” I giggle.

“Damn, no one is gonna be able to stand being in the same room as us.” He says.

“Welp, guess that means you’re stuck with me. All of my other friends are gonna hate me.” I say, and then my brain remembers. Through all of this sugar sweetness, something dark is lurking beneath the surface. Xion. I start to shake again beneath him, he kisses my nose.

“Don’t, baby.” He pleads.

“I’ve got to do something, Axel.” I insist.

“You don’t need to do it all today, it’s late, we have missions in the morning. Sora and Xion will need us tomorrow. You don’t need to figure out how to make it happen all at once.” Such simple words, but so calming, so perfect. They are all I need. His hand strokes my face, warm and soothing, I lean into it.

“I won’t be able to sleep.” I murmur.

“I’m sure we’ll find other ways to pass the time.” And he’s right, I cannot handle this all right now. But maybe, after a night in his arms, together we can.

And we do.

We spend the next few days, after missions, in the library, pouring through Vexen’s research notes, pouring through anything we can find about memory or linking hearts. We forget meals, we neglect sleep. We half ass missions and find our way back into the library as soon as we can. We read, we search. When we find nothing inside of the books, we find our way back to Oblivion, where we continue our search, aimlessly. And when none of that yields anything, I seek out Naminé myself. I enter the old mansion in Twilight Town, calling her name as I search through dusty, empty rooms that look like they haven’t been touched in over a century, but I have no luck finding her. I thought to myself that perhaps, she’d come if I called, even if only to steer me back in the direction she wanted me in. But all of this is to no avail.

“Hey, Axel.” Xion asks, one day, and when I look at her, Sora’s face is still plain as day on hers. Axel makes a noncommittal noise and she continues. “You’ve been to Castle Oblivion, right?” 

“Yeah, me and Rueki both.” Axel says as I eat my ice cream.

“What is it like?” She asks and my stomach drops. As a replica, she would’ve been created there, in Vexen’s lab. Her home, and she doesn’t remember it. She has no idea, of course she doesn’t. I knew that without even having to ask her, and yet, it still makes things all the more worse. She doesn’t know what she is or how she is causing hell, even existing.

“A shit hole.” I reply.

“Just an Organization research facility.” Axel specifies.

“For research, huh? Seems everyone gets sent there all the time. Especially you.” Roxas says to him, and he’s not wrong. That month he was gone was, by far, longer than anyone else has ever been gone.

“Although, they never send me, Roxas or Rueki.” Xion says.

“I tag along though anyway.” I shrug. “Just another part of me being a pain in the ass.” Or just another part of me being desperate to research ways to save both of my friends.

“Well they probably just don’t need you there.” Axel shrugs, though I can see Xion’s face contorting. She doesn’t believe him. Which would be fair under any other circumstance, but I don’t think he’s lying to her on this one. Right now, all that Oblivion is, is a dump for Organization equipment. The past several times anyone has been sent there was to clean out and dispose of equipment. 

“I’m…I’m heading back.” She huffs. 

“Huh?” Roxas asks, eyes wide and hurt. For a second, in my mind’s eye, Xion’s face is her own again. The girl with short black hair and blue eyes. Her eyes cross and roll back into her head. My eyes widen, I sit up, just in time to watch her tumble over, off of the tower. Roxas’ reflexes are quicker than all of ours. He’s on his feet, his hand in hers in a fraction of a second. With strength I didn’t know he had, he pulls her up, an arm gently around her. “Maybe you’re not completely well yet…” He whispers.

“No, it’s nothing like that.” Xion says, stubbornly, and once again, her face is Sora’s. I think that she’s right, that maybe it is nothing like that. That maybe for a moment, Sora had a surge of energy, a rush of memories flood back. Maybe in that moment, he took control of his strength, and it had no room for sharing. My breath catches in my throat. Axel seems to understand my reaction very quickly, he reaches out and squeezes my hand, tight, trying to tether me to reality. I focus on the searing heat radiating off of him, wishing I could just live inside that warmth, where everything seems so safe and centered.

“Got it!” Axel says, and I cannot actually tell if he has a brilliant idea or if he is just trying to be bright and playful and everything I need him to be right now. 

“Got what?” I ask, trying to play into it, energetic and excited and everything I’m sure he also needs.

“On our next day off, let’s all go to the beach, huh?” He asks, grinning at the teenagers beside us. Fat chance, because next time we have a day off, I’m not letting him out of bed. But I appreciate his effort.

“The beach? Where did that idea come from?” Xion asks. My brow knits together, and I realize that I might not be able to handle it. Even knowing that it is her, seeing Sora’s face, at the beach, bright and full of life might break me. If I can’t do anything to save him then why should I get to…why should any of us be able to carry on? Maybe Axel is right and my guilty conscience is eating me up, but at this point, I don’t think I can help it.

“We should go someplace different for a change.” Axel shrugs.

“You’re talking about a vacation with friends!” Roxas grins. Funny, I used to look at him and see Sora, but now, all I can see is Roxas. The boy who held me through my nightmares, who defended me against Saix, who quelled my panic as best as he could. The boy who isn’t draining anyone’s memories. Life was so much safer when he was the only one of the two Nobodies bearing Keyblades, that I was close to.

“Exactly!” Axel grins.

“I’ll join you…if I can.” Xion breathes. The broken, crumpled look on Sora’s face sends me over the edge. My stomach lurches and I heave over the side of the clock tower, sobbing hysterically. I don’t know who is at my side first, Axel or Roxas, but Axel is cleaning vomit out of my hair while Roxas rubs my back, and all I can think is that unless I can find a solution to keep Sora and Xion both alive, I will lose everyone.

\--

“You won’t lose me, Rueki, stop saying that. You won’t ever lose me.” Axel promises me as we find our way into the castle that night, but the cynic in me will not allow me to believe him. 

“I’m going to have to kill her, Axel. To save Sora. I’m going to have to and I don’t think that I can…” Can what, I don’t know. Handle it? Live with the guilt? Face Roxas? Watch Xion’s face as she fades?

“It’s never going to get there.” He promise me, and I don’t believe it. Our lives have no room for this kind of optimism. “We still have a big card left to play, sweetheart. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. Maybe, if somehow, we can get Naminé to play with her memories, maybe she can find out where they are linked. She’s only been working with one side of things, Sora’s right? Maybe things will be different if she can sort through both of their memories, figure out which pieces go where.”

“I’ve tried, I can’t find her.” I shake my head.

“Well, maybe it’s time for us to take matters into our own hands. Maybe we push Xion, try to get her to search her memories and sever the connection herself. Rueki, if there’s a way, you know she will. Xion’s a good kid.” He’s right, I know that. “We’ll make this work, baby, I promise. Somehow, we will make this work. You’re never going to have to kill anyone else. Your hands are dirty enough, I’m not gonna let them get any dirtier, got it memorized?” I cannot accept all of these promise he’s making me, they sound too good to be true. Because we’ve had such a hard run, this level of devotion cannot be real. But he cradles my face in his hands and makes me a thousand more promise, both sweet and sinful, about the future we have in store. Maybe these are stories, maybe some of them will come true, maybe all of them will. But in his arms, I am content to live in this fairy tale.

\--

We search. 

We’re ragged, barely holding ourselves up when Saix finds us one evening. I think for a second this might be a new nightmare, because he speaks….

And that’s all, he speaks, that’s hellacious enough for me.

“The two of you must depart tomorrow morning for Castle Oblivion.” Saix informs us.

“Oh fuck off. We deserve like a week’s worth of sleep.” I mutter, face pressed against Axel’s shoulder.

“What for?” Axel asks.

“Are you asking on behalf of yourself, or the girl?” Saix asks.

“Again, I’m literally right here, I can hear every word you’re saying.” I roll my eyes.

“That is of no concern to me.” Saix says, flatly. “The two of you will just be going to finish cleaning out the facility. I trust you can handle that.” He says, before walking away. I don’t think twice about the silence that falls onto the room, until I watch Axel’s face light up.

“What?” I ask.

“What if I can find a way to get Xion to come with me tomorrow instead of yu? “He asks. 

“Hmm?” I raise my eyebrows. 

“Do you think you can push out your empathy link? Use it in reverse and imprint thoughts into Xion’s mind?” He asks, and I don’t necessarily know that it is possible, especially considering my link seems to be to Sora. 

“I dunno, I can try?” I ask. “What should I be imprinting onto her?”

“You should think a lot about Oblivion, all of the secrets it holds, especially secrets to Xion’s past. She seemed kind of agitated when she asked me about it the other day. All you’ll have to do is lay a few more seeds, maybe intercept her and Roxas before they leave for their mission tomorrow and say that you don’t want to go to Oblivion, but you don’t want to leave me behind? I dunno. Just, try your hardest to get her to want to take you place.” He says.

“But why thought? Aren’t we just supposed to be clearing out supplies?” I ask.

“Yeah, but…that world is where Xion was born, right? Which means that one of the doors inside will hold the secret to her birth. I have a feeling if I can lead her into the basement, into Vexen’s lab, that she’ll find something about how she was created and what she is. You and I know, but maybe if she knows…”

“Maybe she’ll figure out how to fix this whole mess for us.” I nod. “Have I ever told you that you’re a genius?” I ask.

“Nope.” He says, popping his lips.

“Oh, good.” I say. “Anyhow.”

“Asshole.” He whispers, though I press my lips to his and feel him smile against my mouth. “You’ll have to keep Roxas occupied.”

“Oh, I think I can manage.” And I do. Instead of sleeping that night, I toss and turn, imagining my empathy link as a string that connects me to Xion, Roxas and Sora. I try to focus on a pretty face with wide blue eyes, surrounded by short hair, a twinkling smile, a doll of a girl. I imagine myself reaching out to her, my hand outstretched. I reach as far and hard as I can. She opens her hand up to me and I take it. With all the force I can muster up, I try to push my thoughts onward to her. Thoughts about a mysterious boy, about Castle Oblivion, about how Axel and I must be keeping something from her and she won’t be satisfied until she seeks out the Castle. I think a thousand other tantalizing thoughts, but I cannot tell if I was successful or if I simply deterred Naminé’s process further by imprinting those thoughts onto Sora. Or if I was just laying in bed, thinking really hard about nothing, like an idiot. 

As soon as Axel is gone, I climb out of bed and with jittering hands, I wait in the lounge for Roxas and Xion to appear. She is barely saying two words to him, though he is clearly trying to keep her engaged in conversation as they enter onto the scene.

“Rueki!” She gasps. “Saix said you had left for Castle Oblivion with Axel.” She says. I just shrug.

“I was supposed to, I just couldn’t go back there.” I sigh. “It’s just a lot to handle. Between the nightmares and the panic attacks. I just don’t think I can handle going back to a place that is shrouded in so many secrets.” It feels like such a dirty lie, but I am amazed by the ease with which I brush it off. This is necessary, I remind myself. 

“Are you okay?” Roxas asks me. I offer the saddest, most lost puppy dog look that I can muster up. 

“I just don’t want to leave him alone there. There’s a lot to do. I’m afraid if he’s alone, he’s going to be there for weeks again.” I whisper, I’m laying it on thick, but if this is what it takes to get Xion to do the heavy lifting, and to stop me from having to be the one to take her out, then this will be worth it. If I get to keep all of my Keybearing friends safe, then so be it.

“I’ll go, Rueki.” She instantly volunteers. “Friends need to lean on each other every now and then. You’re okay with Rueki helping you, right, Roxas?” She asks.

“Um, yeah, sure…” He blinks, looking at me. I am surprised how well this all works, but it does. With an eagerness that reminds me greatly of Sora, Xion disappears, through a portal, to Castle Oblivion. I’d like to say I paid great attention to Roxas and everything related to today’s mission. I’d like to say I was a good friend. But I surely was not today. Off in my own little world, to the extreme, I barely recall anything, before the two of us took a seat at the clock tower. But there we are, staring out at the setting sun, ice cream at hand. 

“You know, I hate when you lie to me.” Roxas sighs, taking a bite of his ice cream as he casts his gaze far off the clock tower. I want to ask him how he knows I’m keeping secrets, but I already know the answer to that. I’m not subtle, at all. And with my knees curled to my chest and ice cream half eaten in my hand, I know I have thrown a wrench in our normal routine.

“I’m not lying.” Just keeping secrets. “There are just things you’re not ready to know yet. Things that you’d be safer not knowing.” I cringe instantly at myself, because holy fuck, has Axel rubbed off on me in more ways than one (hey-o). Maybe this is karma punishing me, by showing me how hard my boyfriend has had it. Maybe this is the universe showing me that keeping secrets to save your friends isn’t meant to be hurtful, and that maybe, it’s harder on the one holding onto the secret than anyone else. At least I can share mine with Axel, he has no one in our friend group, just his ice cold coworkers that know his dark secret about me. It must be terribly lonely, I think. A heavy weight to bear.

“Isn’t that the same thing?” He asks. “I just wish you’d tell me.”

“I wish I could.” I frown. “You’ve got to trust me, Roxas. I get how bad it sucks, to feel like you know nothing. But, this is part of the whole ‘loved ones can be a weakness’ thing. If you knew what I was holding onto, you could get hurt. Maybe beyond repair. It’s selfish, but I don’t want to risk your life. Sorry kid.” 

“I guess I just don’t understand it.” He sighs.

“No, me either half the time.” I admit. “Hey, what if every time I have to keep something from you, I tell you something important too, huh?” It’s a stupid, half assed idea, and a lame excuse for me to keep guilt off my shoulders. I have no idea how many times I will need to hide truths about Sora or Xion from him, or how many secrets I’ll have to come up with in turn. But he seems to warm up a little at the idea.

“Okay.” He nods. “Sure. What do you have for me?” I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do, so I do what I do best. Make rash, terrible decisions. 

“I knew you, when you had a heart.” It pops out of my mouth before I can stop it, but the more I think about it, the more harmless it is. I didn’t know a ton about Sora, as long as I avoid the big things I know about his life, his memories, isn’t that safe enough?

“You’re kidding.” Roxas breathes. I shake my head. “From where? What was I like?”

“Slow down, kid.” I laugh, and in that moment, for the first time in a long time, he reminds me of Sora. 

“Oh come on, you can’t drop a bombshell like that and expect me not to ask questions!” He reminds me, laughing. So full of life, so different that that first week he started.

“Um…Okay. You traveled to my world one day. You were nice. A good kid, big heart. My friend.” I smile, my heart warming at the memory.

“I wish I remembered it.” Roxas smiles, sadly. I shake my head.

“No.” I say flatly. “If it comes down to remembering your time with a heart and your time since joining the Organization, choose this. Choose these memories we have, Roxas. They’re so precious, so important, and you’re more important to me now than he ever was. You may be the same, but you’re different too. You’re your own person, and one of my very best friends. You’re special to me, kiddo. He was a cool kid, but I only knew him for a matter of days. I’d much prefer how it is now, where we’ve been friends for…what, like nine months now?” I ask. And before I can get an answer, a portal opens up. Axel appears, with a lopsided grin on his face, that is all feigned. Suddenly. I feel very uneasy. Was this the end? Xion isn’t in tow. Did he have to… I think I could get sick again, but that is the last thing any of the three of us need. I draw my legs in tighter.

“You’re early.” Axel greets us.

“No, you’re just late.” I say in a very waring tone. 

“Today marks 255.” Roxas smiles at me, patting my shoulder.

“What’s that about?” Axel asks, taking a seat beside me, his arm wrapped around my waist as Roxas’ hand still rests on my shoulders. Surrounded by my boys, it is easy to feel as though nothing is wrong. But I know better. I look to Axel with worry in my eyes, but he barely pays me a lick of attention. He’s avoiding my gaze on purpose. 

“Rueki was asking how many days I’d been here. That’s been how many days it’s been since I first joined the Organization. Man, time flies.” He sighs, shaking his head. In the setting sun, I look at him and think about the light this boy casts on my life. I wasn’t lying, saying that I prefer him to Sora, even if that makes me kind of a shitty person.

“So, you got the number memorized, do you?” Axel asks.

“Yeah.” Roxas nods. “Have to hang onto something, right? It's not like I have memories from before the Organization. Don't you remember? Those first few days, I acted like a zombie.” For a second, I wonder if he can read my mind, if he knows I was just thinking something very similar about him.

“Right, that first week you could barely form a sentence.” I nod, still feeling a little uneasy. But if Roxas’s smile didn’t quell my initial worries, Axel’s laugh certainly does. It is a gospel, something pure, full of life, so beyond perfect. I am surprised, even after all this time, when my bones feel their coldest, he heats them, bringing me entirely back from the frostbitten depths I have fallen into. Hot, fiery beyond all compare. Maybe I am an ice cold bitch, but even if I am, that’s okay, as long as he is always there to warm me.

“But come on, you’re still kind of a zombie.” Axel teases, taking the one hand off my waist to shove Roxas, playfully.

“Oh, thanks!” Roxas laughs, shoving him back with the hand that was on my shoulder.

“Can’t you two ever get along?” I giggle, swatting their hands away, not only from each other, but from me. “Or at least leave me out of your nonsense?” I feel good, I feel alive. I feel like the world is somehow not ending.

“Hey, guys. Bet you don't know why the sun sets red. You see, light is made up of lots of colors. And out of all those colors, red is the one that travels the farthest.” Axel says, and I can tell he is deflecting, but that doesn’t matter much. It’s embarrassing but I find myself entranced and eager for his every word. I want a thousand more sunsets like this, him telling me useless information, his warmth at such proximity, keeping me safe, keeping me feeling whole. I turn to him, smiling and I watch him visibly falter.

“Like we asked, know it all.” Roxas taunts Axel, who is still transfixed. Finally, the redhead shakes his head and turns away.

“What?” I ask.

“You.” He says, sighing. “I just don’t get it. How much one person can feel like home.” He pulls me in, taking my hand in his. I could die happy like this, basking in the glow of the setting sun, if not with the both of them, then at least with Axel. But Roxas breaks this beautiful moment, distracted with a girl of his own.

“Seriously, where is she?” He asks. My eyes go wide. Axel grips my hand even tighter and kisses my forehead.

“Well, don’t wait up for her too much longer, okay?” He asks, standing up, stretching out tall as he releases my hand. His joints pop and crack and all I can think is that he is making a huge show out of nothing. But that’s him, that is so him, and despite it all, I find comfort in it. I can’t tell if he’s doing it more for me or for him, but certainly, I don’t mind it either way. 

“Are you guys leaving?” Roxas asks. I shrug, standing up, unsure how much more prying about Sora or talk about Xion I can handle. Suddenly, before my eyes, a series of visions comes to me, a flood of memories that is distinctly Sora’s, and then, Xion standing beside an orb in Castle Oblivion.

“What…Then I wasn’t…who am I?” She chokes out. 

The first thought that comes to mind is that she is safe, thank fucking Twilight she is safe. The second, is that my knees have gotten weak, and if it weren’t for Axel, I might have just fallen off the clock tower. He’s got a hand wrapped around mine and a smile so big and bright on his face that it nearly distracts Roxas from my stumble.

Nearly.

“Rueki, are you—”

“What can I say, he makes me weak in the knees.” I bat my eyelashes at Axel and like, ew. Cringe. I watch my man bite on his lip to keep down a laugh. 

“Oh...” Roxas visibly grows more uncomfortable at this, blushing, unsure of how to respond, and Axel capitalizes on this completely.

“Can’t blame us for wanting to enjoy some time as a couple before tomorrow’s mission, can ya?” Axel asks him. Roxas shakes his head.

“Nope, do your thing.” He waves his hand, still red in the face, clearly trying to just get us the hell away from him. I smile up at Axel, who is grinning back from me as he opens up a portal. We head through it and back to his room, and the second we are safely inside and the portal is closed, Axel barks out a laugh, throwing his head back, his arms around his middle.

“Fucking hell, Rueks. ‘He makes me weak in the knees’.” He says in a mocking voice and then laughs. I laugh too, a big grin creeping across my features.

“Don’t make me say it again, or you’re going to have to clean puke out of my hair. Again. Cuz that was so cringe worthy I could gag.” I snicker. 

“Are you actually laughing along with me?” He asks, beaming. “You seemed so on edge.”

“Until I saw Xion in Castle Oblivion and realized that she was okay. I had a vision.” I say. “I was worried.”

“I know.” Axel sighs. “I promised you though, didn’t I? That your hands were dirty enough, that you wouldn’t ever have to—”

“I was worried for you, not for her.” I say, not giving a damn about how terrible it sounds. Roxas, Xion, Sora, it doesn’t matter who, I will always choose Axel over anyone else. “You were a hot mess not that long ago, and here I was, promising I’d have your back, but of course, then I have to go and discover I have an empathy link, and have a meltdown, which is completely exhausting, I know and I’m sorry. I felt like shit, though, wondering if while I was having ice cream with Roxas, you were ending Xion. It wouldn’t have been fair, you having to shoulder everything when I just told you that you can put some of the burden on me.” I say. He pauses a moment, regarding me with curious eyes and a tilted head.

“You’re a fucking masterpiece, did you know that, Rueks?” He asks, and he sounds so sincere that I cannot even call him an asshole. “You had an empathy link forced on you. You were so ready to do anything to keep Sora safe, even if it meant destroying yourself. I didn’t tell you that I didn’t want you to dirty your hands because I want to kill anyone, Rueki. I told you that because you’re my girl and I love the hell out of you, and I don’t want you to be forced to do anything you don’t want, ever again, got it memorized? My hands are dirty, so damn dirty that I don’t even know what is clean and what isn’t anymore. But yours? You’re not like that. So if I can still keep you safe, and it means that you get to enjoy ice cream with one of our best friends while I do, then hey, I’m living the dream.” He sets a hand on top of my head and kisses my forehead. I wrap my arms around his waist, trying to come up with the words to tell him how much he means to me, and how his mouth is good for a thousand things, and making my heart swell is one of them. I think of all of these words, until he kneels at the edge of the bed and shows me yet another thing that perfect mouth is good at, whispering praises against my skin as he does.

When we wake in the morning, Xemnas calls a meeting, announcing Xion has disappeared and is not to be searched for. Even Axel looks genuinely shocked—this was not part of our plan, looks like he didn’t go rogue on me, she did. Roxas raises hell, of course, but Xemnas will hear none of it. 

We carry out our missions under those very strict orders—forget Xion.

I don’t know whether to be worried or relieved.


	32. Chapter 32

XXXII.

If I thought my dreams were strange before, I am certain they are now. I dream of a young girl, with shoulder length blonde hair and too short bangs that stand up straight, thanks to a difficult cowlick. 

“Tell me the story again, old man.” She says, her arms crossed to her chest, a self satisfied grin on her full lips. There is a dark mole, sitting just beneath the left corner of her mouth

“Oh, c’mon kid, ain’t ya heard it enough?” A blond man sighs, flicking a toothpick between his lips.

“No such thing as enough.” She insists. “Tell me again.” She looks at him with utter determination, leaning forward, eyes intense and prying.

“You’re a bratty little sunovabitch.” He snorts.

“You’re an asshole.” She grins up at him.

“Where’dja learn that word fro—never mind.” The man laughs, heaving a sigh. He crouches down and the girl climbs up onto his shoulders. “Ain’t ya gotta go bother that Yuki girl or something?” He asks.

“Yuffie.” She corrects, pursing her lips. “Yeah, she’s gonna let me play with her dolls later. I want you to tell me the story now though.”

“Will this stop you from running off with those two little asshole boys later today?” The man sighs. The girl giggles, atop his shoulders.

“I never run around with them, they always come and bug me!” She insists.

“Buncha little twats.” The man shakes his head. “You stay away from them, alright? This is why I didn’t have kids. Specially not daughters. When you grow up, those two are gonna be the death of ya, understand me?”

“Sure. My mom and dad made you my godfather, I trust you.” The girl reminds him, quite well spoken for a child.

“Yeah.” He sighs.

“So tell me the story.” She insists.

“Your momma was brave as all hell, tough as nails. She’d fight anyone who looked at her sideways. No one anyone would mess with. Your pops though, he was real smart and quiet like. Sharp, always had his eye on the prize, the best copilot I coulda ever asked for.” The man smiles softly. “He and I flew for years before we settled in here. He met your ma, I opened up this shop, he joined the guard along with her and they had you.”

“But they got into an accident.” The girl says, though she certainly doesn’t have the emotional maturity to understand the gravity of the story.

“Yeah.” The man sighs. “On a mission, had to pick some supplies up from somewhere. They got in the Gummi Ship and…didn’t come back. We searched for weeks, kid. We really tried, but wherever they are, they’re gone now.” The little girl is silent for a long moment.

“But they were heroes.” She says, when she finally speaks.

“Yeah, I guess.” The man says, though that is clearly not important to him, not after losing his friends. “I miss em every day.”

“I think I wanna be a pilot. Like you and daddy.” She smiles. “I wanna see all kinds of worlds.” She spreads her arms wide, like the wings of a Gummi Ship and makes some sound effects.

“I’m sure you do, kid.” The man laughs, shaking his head. “You’re gonna be the death of me, I tell you what. I didn’t sign on for this.” But he’s smiling the entire time.

“I didn’t sign on for this.” She mocks.

I wake up, with wide eyes, looking around mine and Axel’s room. The light still shines bright, he sleeps soundly beside me. I cannot get the little girl’s face out of my head in my mind’s eye. Too big green eyes, full lips, a mole beneath her mouth. That fucking cowlick.

My cowlick.

I’m having memories of my childhood come to me for the first time in my entire life. Does this mean the darkness from the sealed room is seeping out, creeping into the remnants of my heart? I place a hand over my beating heart. I’m sure there’s a heartbeat, but my pulse is pounding too hard for me to detect it.

“Axel!” I whisper, shaking his arm. “Axel!” I raise my voice a little. His eyelids flicker before he finally opens his eyes and looks to me.

“You okay, princess?” He asks, raising an eyebrow as he pushes himself up.

“I just had a dream about my past.” I say. This wakes him up quite quickly. Suddenly, he is sitting up, ramrod straight, eyes wide. 

“What did you dream about? Not the night that the world fell?” He asks, brow puckering together. I am sure he is worried about my nightmares, worried that they will start creeping in if memories of that night come back. Thinking about the Heartless crawling in, I know that he’s not wrong for having that worry.

“No.” I shake my head. “I was just talking to some guy about my parents. He was a pilot.” I say. “So was my dad, I guess.”

“Musta been that Highwind guy.” Axel nods, wrapping his arms around me. “I think he raised you after your parents died.”

“My godfather.” I nod. “Cid.” I don’t know where the name came from, but it seems right. 

“You remember all that.” Axel whispers, apprehension in his voice.

“Naminé warned me.” I say. “That all of my memories from my past were somewhere in my heart that even she couldn’t access. It was like my heart was a place with a thousand hallways, and at the end of all of them was a sealed room—my past. But the sealed room was breaking open, that soon, darkness would start spilling out, along with my repressed memories.” And of course, I am excited, tantalized at the thought of my past coming back to me, but at what cost? I wonder, do I have to make the choice—my past or my life?

“Dammit.” He whispers, and I can feel every muscle in his body tense up around me. “I’m going to find that little fucking witch, and when I do—”

“What are you going to do? Bully some little fifteen year old girl?” I ask, rolling my eyes. Axel snorts.

“Not quite the idea I was going for, but thanks for playing, sweetheart.” He says. “I think something a little more serious than bullying needs to happen.”

“So what, you’re going to kill her?” I ask.

“What is it with you and murder?” He shakes his head. I chew my lip, wondering if maybe he’s right. Is that really the only way I know of to solve problems anymore? “No, I think she just needs to be heavily encouraged, to go into your memories and… I don’t know, do some spring cleaning.” Axel says.

“You want her to get rid of my old memories?” I ask.

“I guess it doesn’t really matter what I want, I know you. You’re stubborn enough, you’ll do whatever you want to. Plus, they’re not my memories to change. But she made a mess out of one person’s heart and I know that’s eating you up inside. It wouldn’t surprise me if she made a mess of you, with that empathy link, just as a last ditch effort to save Sora.” Axel insists.

“She’s a child. Why would she do that?” I roll my eyes.

“She’s not as innocent as she looks, sweetheart. Child or no, she decided at one point in her existence, that it was worth it to screw with someone’s heart. Who’s to say you’re not her next worthy cause?” He asks. “I just want you to be safe, Rueks. Whatever it takes, I will get you there, got it memorized? I’m not letting anything happen to you.” He assures me. Part of me wonders if it is truly all about my safety, or if he really is just terrified that I will remember this dark secret that he has been keeping from me for months.

\--

We have ice cream with Roxas for the first time in weeks, and I feel every second of Xion’s absence. We vow to search for her, but I don’t know any more what any of us are hoping for. 

\--

I dream of two boys, only slightly younger than Roxas and Sora. I cannot see their faces, only two pairs of eyes, one emerald green that burn like the sun, one sea green, with the serenity of the moon.

“I want everybody I meet to remember me. Inside people’s memories I can live forever.” The sun tells me.

“I won’t forget you. Believe me, I try all the time.” The moon tells the sun. They laugh as a little girl runs through the streets. Little pairs of golden eyes start to pop up, the moon’s eyes wash from marine to yellow, the sun’s eyes incinerate. As the golden eyes close in, the little girls screams a name.

“Lea, no!” She screams. “Don’t go, Lea, don’t leave me!” A blood curdling shriek pours from her lips.

I wake up in a cold sweat.

We don’t find Xion. Weeks of searching yield absolutely nothing and we have torn apart every single world we can think of.

I dream, again of the little girl that runs through the streets. A flurry of firey red stands in front of her, between her and the sets of golden eyes.

“I’ll handle this.” The red says.

“You and what army?” The little girl asks.

“Don’t need one.” The red grins.

“Boys are so dumb.” The little girl says, they throw themselves into the sea of golden eyes. They fight, relentlessly, though utterly without experience. What they lack in skill, they make up for in passion. They grunt and cry out and kick like the best of them. It takes a turn though, something dark as the girl gets attacked. The golden eyes lunge at her, reaching out, grasping at her. The red dives in front of her, just in time for the fire surrounding it to extinguish. Without the vibrant light, the little girl screams, darkness descends.

“Don’t leave me, Lea!” She begs.

\--

“It’s no use.” Roxas sighs.

“You sure neither of you are forgetting some place?” Axel asks us. I shake my head, sighing as I look down from the clock tower.

“I’ve been everywhere I know how to get it.” Roxas says.

“Alright.” Axel nods.

“The only place I haven’t been to is Castle Oblivion.” Roxas says. My stomach lurches, and I realize, that last time I had a vision of Xion, was of her standing beside an orb in Castle Oblivion. Axel chews on his lip, looking the epitome of uncomfortable. “It was just the other day that Xion was asking you what the place was like. And the day before she disappeared, she traded places with Rueki and said she’d go there.”

“But she came back.” I lie, quickly, for Axel, for myself, for Roxas and Xion, because I can’t imagine the damage that could be done if Roxas finds out what Xion is, or any more about Sora than I’ve already told him.

“I can tell when you’re lying.” Roxas sighs.

“Just because I didn’t see her come back, doesn’t mean she didn’t. There’s nothing there anymore, anyway.” I wave my hand. 

“Well, Xion might be there.” Roxas counters, stubbornly and I blink. This is the first time I think I’ve seen myself in him, and I don’t know whether to be impressed or irritated. “Anyway, you promised you’d tell me a secret every time you lied to me.” 

“You did what now?” Axel raises an eyebrow at me. 

“That was weeks ago, I kind of forgot about that.” I admit. 

“Sweetheart, what are we going to do with you?” He asks.

“Keep me and love me forever?” I offer. He shakes his head, but I see a smile play at the corner of his lips. “Xion came from Castle Oblivion. That’s where she was born.” I decide is an appropriate secret. Roxas’ eyes go wide.

“What?” He asks.

“You heard it. That’s probably why she was asking about the place.” Axel nods and instantly, I feel my muscles uncurl as I realize this was indeed, a safe secret to tell.

“I had no idea.” Roxas sighs.

“We only found out a little bit ago.” I say, and that’s not a complete lie. It’s only been…damn, almost one hundred days now.

“Castle Oblivion…Xion…”

\--

“So, this is Castle Oblion.” The three of us make our way through, boots clicking through the hollow halls. It looks a lot emptier than the last time Axel and I were here, and I cannot decide if that is relieving or unnerving. With curiosity, Roxas takes several steps forward. It took great effort on his part, to talk us into coming here, but finally, after large amounts of whining, Axel opened up a portal.

“Yeah, a shithole. I wasn’t lying, kid.” I say, but before my words are even fully out, Roxas is doubled over, on his knees, his head in his hands. A violent cry erupts from his mouth. Axel sprints over to him.

“Roxas?” He asks.

“Agh! Ah! My head!” The boy screams. I’m at his side, in seconds, my hands on his arms as I try to pull him up.

“C’mon kid, I got you.” I coo.

“What’s happening?” Roxas asks. “So much rushing into my head.” I struggle to get him to his feet, suddenly his memories come flying at me.

“To find is to lose and to lose is to find.” Marluxia’s cloaked silhouette says.

“My show now, Keyblade Master.” Axel grins.

“Not everything is black and white, kid.” I say. 

Castle Oblivion, Sora’s memories of us, of all of us, all flooding Roxas’ mind. I gasp, my fingers pushing into his skin.

“Let’s get out of here for now.” Axel says, looking to me with panic in his eyes as he helps me get Roxas to his feet.

“No…wait…there’s something…I can almost…” Roxas struggles.

“Don’t fight him on this, kid!” I snap at Roxas, frustrated, irritated…So fucking scared.

“Giving up already? I thought you were stronger than that.” An unfamiliar voice says, in Roxas’ mind, but I know who it belongs to, through him.

“Riku!” He gasps. 

“Open up a portal, Sora’s memories are flooding his brain, I think this could destroy all three of them!” I warn Axel, my voice ragged. He nods and waves a hand, opening a portal. He grabs Roxas from my arms and throws him over his shoulder as the three of us stagger through a portal and back into Twilight Town. Axel lays Roxas on the street and I kneel down, touching the boy’s face with my hand. My eyes go wide and in my mind, I see him, Xion and Sora, standing, as silhouettes, side by side. They look as though they are filled with light, and Xion with darkness. I watch as slowly, the light flows from Roxas and Sora, into Xion. They blink out but she shines bright.

I choke on air as I come back to reality, on my ass, my face in Axel’s hands.

“Fuck, Rueki!” He chastises. “You can’t do that to me, I thought I lost you too!” I want to snap at him, but I hear the worry in his voice and I throw my arms around him.

“She’s killing them, Axel.” I whisper. “Now that Roxas has been to Oblivion, they’re tied. She didn’t mean to, but I think she needed more strength, Sora must’ve run out, so she pulled from the next available source.”

“Roxas.” He gasps. “Dammit.” He tears away from me and smashes his fist into the pavement. My eyes widen.

“That’s not going to help things!” I snap.

“Nothing is!” He shouts. “Unless you can think of something, because by all means, Rueki, I’m all ears!” There’s a venom in his eyes, though I know it isn’t meant for me. Maybe it isn’t meant for anyone. But in this moment, I am Hephaestus. I am the only god that can reach out and touch the fire, without smoldering.

“Gotta make a plan.” I insist. “I…think we need to…Axel, we can’t lose two to keep one.” My words hang heavy in the air. He looks at me and finally, as the tension settles, he sighs. 

“Fuck.” He hisses. “I didn’t want to do this.” He runs a hand back through his hair, sitting a little closer to me. 

“I don’t either.” I draw him, by the back of his head, down to my shoulder so that I can rub the back of his neck. “I don’t think we have a choice anymore.” The weight of it all seems too much, I push it aside, not daring to feel it now. We don’t even know where Xion is, there’s nothing we can do, but maybe now, this needs to just be a me and Axel thing. Better to lie and have to tell Roxas that we found her dead, than have to face him when he knows we were the ones that had to end her. I catch myself laughing at the irony of the situation and Axel looks at me with an eyebrow raised. “It’s just…back in Oblivion, I was so mad at you for keeping things from me to keep me safe. Even when you found out that secret in Shibuya that you still haven’t told me, I was upset. And now? I’m just thinking of how we’re gonna keep this secret from Roxas to keep him safe.”

“I don’t want you to change who you are, Rueks. I love you as you, you don’t need to become what this Organization makes everyone. You’re safe from all of that, as long as you have your heart.” He tries, a desperation in his eyes.

“It’s not what they made me, Axel. It’s what I’ve become. You were right this entire time. The things you have to do to survive, the dirt you have to take to keep the ones you love safe…it’s worth it.” I nod. I watch his face fall. He opens his mouth to speak, but an empty noise comes out. This is when Roxas wakes up.

“Are you alright?” Axel tears away from me, like I’m on fire, to look at the boy.

“What…happened to me?” Roxas asks.

“You collapsed right when we got there. Don’t you remember?” I raise an eyebrow, though I think he might be better off not remembering.

“I only remember going inside.” He says.

“Just take it easy for now.” Axel insists, and I hear in his voice, this pain, this need to protect everyone, even those that he worries he is failing to protect. Even me. But protection or not, it doesn’t matter, I’m strong enough to handle this. I can make it through. As long as he is with me, I can always make it through.

“I’m fine, let’s go back to Castle Oblivion.” Roxas shakes his head.

“Do you even give a quarter of a shit about your life? Because some of us do! You can’t just run around like an idiot, risking yourself every chance you get for someone else! Maybe you don’t care whether you make it, but some of us do! I need you, kid, so stop being such a self sacrificing little asshole and take care of yourself! Because I can’t always be here to scrape you off the ground!” I snap. Roxas’ eyes narrow and he looks like he’s formulating a comeback when a background noise sounds off. I barely hear it, but it seems to distract him.

“Xion?” Roxas turns his head from me and I feel my blood boil.

“No, I’m Rueki, pay the fuck attention to me, I’m right—”

“Rueki, Xion is right here.” Axel snaps, my eyes widen. I turn to follow Roxas’ gaze. Two figures stand, in black cloaks, one with the silhouette of a teenage girl. 

“Xion, wait!” Roxas scrambles to his feet. The other figure, an older teenager or a young man stands between Roxas and Xion. “Rrrg, out of the way!” Roxas roars. I’m on my feet in seconds, barreling after Xion, not for me, not for Axel, but for Roxas and Sora. The man shoves me aside with such a force, that Axel has to catch me, by the underside of my arms.

“Careful!” He warns. 

“We’ve got to go after her!” I insist. That’s all the time it takes for the two of them to sprint off.

“Hey!” Roxas calls out.

“Roxas, wait!” Axel sighs, helping me to my feet. We chase them, through every nook and cranny of Twilight Town, right up to Sunset Terrace. Xion opens a portal, turning back to us. They disappear into it and it closes up, just before we get to it.

“Dammit!” I scream, stomping my foot, my pulse hammering to my temples.

“I thought the Imposter was sighted at Castle Oblivion?” I ask Axel, who just shakes his head.

“Me too, sweetheart.” He says, and I genuinely believe the confusion on his face.

“Xion.” Roxas sighs. “Why would she run?”

We don’t find Xion that day, but the second Axel and I are in our room, I do discover something.

“Do you know who the other one was?” He asks me and I raise an eyebrow.

“No, I couldn’t see his face, how could I?” I ask, though I couldn’t see Xion’s either, but that doesn’t seem to matter. What I see her as changes as easily as the weather.

“I wasn’t sure with your weird ass ESP connection with Sora.” He shakes his head. My face is a perfect deadpan. “Sorry, insensitive?” He asks. I burst out laughing.

“No, that about sums it up. Continue.”

“It was Riku. I know you’ve never met him but—”

“Sora’s best friend.” I nod. “He told me about him in Transmute City. So he was the Imposter?” I ask.

“Yeah, I don’t know why, but I doubt it means good news for Xion…” Axel sighs. 

“She went along with him of her own free will.” I say.

“I guess.” Axel shrugs. “I don’t think we should say anything else to the Organization about him though. Who knows what could happen to Xion if we do.”

“I don’t think we get a choice with her anymore, Axel. We can’t afford to sit around. If it’s her or Roxas and Sora, I know where I stand. Where do you?” I ask. His eyes flick to mine.

“I don’t want to lose any more fucking friends, Rueki.” He says. I wrap my arms around him.

“Then I’ll do it.” I say. “I’ll do whatever it takes. Roxas can be strong, Sora can keep saving the world.”

“And you’ll lose your mind.” Axel says. I scoff.

“Yeah, but I might be doing that anyway. It seems pretty heroic to sacrifice yourself for a good cause.” I say. I expect Axel to lecture me, what he does is infinitely more terrifying.

In a soft voice, he says “you know, you might just be onto something.”

\--

I don’t think twice when Axel wakes me from my reoccurring dream—don’t leave me, Lea—to inform me that Roxas is chasing Xion. It doesn’t surprise me. What does is his resolve.

“I spoke to Xemnas. He confirmed what you already though, though I didn’t say anything about your empathy link and neither should you, alright? Xion is draining Roxas.” Axel sighs. “You were right.”

“I usually am.” I sigh, dressing, quickly, and strapping into Survivor. “It’s a blessing and a curse.” He pulls me in and presses his lips to my forehead.

“Promise me, no matter what happens today, that you’ll never lose that.” He says. “The sarcasm, that sharp tongue. Don’t lose what makes you, you, Rueks.”

“Never.” I smile up at him, though I’m not sure how much I believe my own words. “Let’s go. One of us can distract Roxas, the other can take down Xion.”

And that is exactly the plan. We hide behind a wall, listening to Roxas and Xion talk. I am fully braced to fly out at Xion and leave Roxas to Axel, when my partner does what he always does—proves to me that I cannot predict anything. He leaps out, eyes deadly and dangerous as he summons his chakrams. I don’t know whether to be afraid or aroused, but Xion certainly know which she is supposed to be. Axel sends a chakram flying. Xion blocks it and it hits the ground before reappearing in his hand.

“Well, hello there, Xion.” He drawls. 

“Axel?” Roxas’ voice shakes and my heart breaks. He shouldn’t be doing this, not when I promised I would. This is my burden to bear, not his, I’m the one with the empathy link. And now I am the one who will have to hold Roxas down and hear him scream as Axel ends one of our dearest friends. Xion lunges at Axel.

“No, wait!” Roxas screams. I fly out at him and grab his hand.

“Come on, kid, we have to go!” I urge.

“Rueki, these are our friends!” He pleads.

“And so am I, trust me, it’s not safe here.” I can lie to him, I think. Tell him that Xion is dangerous, that she’s gone rogue and lost her mind. I can spin a story so beautiful, a tapestry of lies that paints Axel as the reluctant hero who had to kill his best friend to save her. It wouldn’t be a complete lie, he is a hero, just one saving two different people.

Beside us, Xion strikes Axel, but he blocks it with a wall of fire. Axel sends him chakrams at her, but Xion holds her Keyblade up in defense, before charging at him.

“Stop! Roxas cries out. That one moment is all it takes. Xion hesitates, Axel clocks her on her head and she folds like a house of cards. Without another beat, he scoops her up and opens a portal. I take off after the two of them, while Roxas stares, dumbfoundedly after us. We do something that I never would’ve expected to do in this almost year that I’ve been here—

We seek out Xemnas, meaning to give him Xion.

\--

“You’re sure things are better this way?” Axel asks Saix, the following morning. It’s an unlikely trio, the three of us, it feels wrong, but I am reminded of the sun and moon in my dreams.

“I never expected you to question it. If you could save one of them...why would you choose the puppet?” Saix asks. “Has this girl infected your thoughts?” He seethes at me.

“Give her to me now, I’ll kill her myself.” I say, coldly, eyes meeting his with the same ice. For the first time, I think he believes me. I catch a smirk tug at the corner of his lips.

“I sincerely doubt you have the stomach for that. Despite the information Luxord gave us.” Saix replies.

“Maybe not, but even I know this is the only option.” I whisper.

“I loathe to say it, but she’s right.” Saix says to Axel. “Or put it this way. Which would you rather suffer the loss of: some make-believe friendship, or a real one?” I wouldn’t call Xion’s friendship make believe. Nothing about it is false. Nothing about it is simple, but the moments on the clock tower, the chase we went on for Riku, her tipping a potion into my mouth after Saix hit me with a couch, those are real. It doesn’t make it any easier to think about this.

Axel heaves a sigh and takes my hand. With a tug, he starts to lead me out of the room. Saix speaks, again.

“Things are finally right again. Of course we're better off this way. Xemnas is exasperated from all the "fixing" we've had to do. We have to set things right. There is simply too much on the line...Lea.” Saix says.

Axel straight up pulls me out of the room, my legs go limp, my eyes wide.

“Lea..” I whisper, looking to Axel, my heart falling to pieces. “That’s you.” I say. He looks away from me, eyes hard, shifting his weight with discomfort. “I dreamt about you last night.” And the night before, and the night before.

“You what?” He asks.

“Your name. ‘Don’t leave me, Lea’. I just heard myself scream that over and over again, it was dark, I couldn’t see anything, I just heard a boy cry out and heard myself scream that phrase.” I say. “It was you. It’s always been you, hasn’t it?” I ask, reaching out to touch his face. 

“Stop.” He shakes his head. “That’s not me, Rueks. I’m not him, not yet.” He insists. I touch his cheekbone, my thumb sliding across. 

“You are though. He protected me. He gave his life for me, he cared enough about me that he decided I was important enough to watch over. And you? You’ve always had my back, from the very fucking beginning, even when I didn’t trust you to. Lea, Axel, it doesn’t matter what I call you. You have put me above everything else in your world since the very beginning. I wouldn’t be alive without you.” I sing praises, willing the warmth in my eyes to spring life back into his heart.

“Stop.” He insists, grabbing my wrists and pushing my hands aside. “Rueks, you don’t understand.”

“I do.” I say. “I’m so thankful for you. I love you so much.” I lean up on my toes and press my lips to his. “Don’t ever leave me, Lea.” I beg. Like flipping a switch, Axel grabs the tops of my thighs and presses me into the wall, in the hallway we stand in. I lock my legs around his narrow waist, yanking him impossibly close as I grab onto the front of his coat. His lips smash against mine, nose drilling into mine, foreheads pressed together. He grabs my lower lip with his teeth and tugs, sensually, desperately, a growl forming at the base of his throat. 

“Don’t call me that name, Rueki.” He says, as I lick his lower lip and press my chest against his. 

“Don’t leave me, Axel.” I plead. His tongue draws a band from my lower lip, down my chin, my neck, to my collar bone. His teeth scrape across my flesh and I cry out. “Axel!” Suddenly, we’re in our room, me on my back, in our bed. My eyes widen as I look up at him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so loud, I—”

“Oh, no, I didn’t bring you back here to keep you quiet.” He grins, leaning down close to me. “I brought you here so that I could take my time on this perfect fucking body…” He lowers himself onto his elbows so that he can tuck his hands behind my back and unzip my shirt. I arch my back, giving him better access, and with my shirt properly unzipped, I toss it across the room. His lips graze, delicately, teasingly down my collar, to my breasts. He draws one nipple into his mouth. His teeth scrape it, his tongue flickers across it and I whine, curling into him. “Actually, I’d rather you make so much noise, this entire fucking castle knows who loves you.” He says.

“I love you, Axel.” I moan, desperate and breathy in his arms.

“Not half as much as I love you, princess.” His mouth moves down my stomach, drawing my skin between his teeth, tantalizing the flesh of my abdomen. I grip the sheets, preparing myself as I watch him yank at the hem of my shorts with his teeth. My back arches, my muscles tighten, I make a pathetic little mewl. He works my shorts off of my legs and laps at my panties, soaking the thin fabric that separates the two of us. “I can’t wait to taste that sweet pussy.” He breathes, hot and heavy against my cunt.

“Axel.” I choke, my hands weaving into his thick hair. 

“Little louder, baby girl.” He brushes his lips across my clit, through my panties. I clench, my toes curling, my eyes rolling back.

“Axel, I want you to touch me.” I beg, doing exactly as he says, mouthing off a little louder. I feel him grin across the lips of my pussy.

“Do you like when I lick your clit, princess?” He asks me, hooking a finger into the waistband of my panties.

“Yes.” I whimper, desperately.

“No one can wind you up like I can, can they?” Axel asks, swiping my panties down to my ankles. I kick them off the rest of the way, and I do the same with my boots and socks.

“No. It’s only you, baby.” I sigh.

“No on else can make you scream their name like this, can they?” He asks.

“How about you stop talking dirty and show me what we both know that mouth is good for?” I ask. He grins, his eyes flicking up to mine. For a moment, they linger, burning into me in a way that might just make me combust. He spreads the lips of my pussy, deliberately and with his eyes still locked onto mine, he circles my clit with his tongue. I almost lose it then and there, the delectable wetness, the heat, the friction completely overwhelming me. My nails dig into his scalp. “Axel!” I scream, completely wanton. 

He works into me, deep, needy, his tongue mapping out the contours of my cunt, sucking my lips into his mouth, lapping at my clit. He dips his tongue into my slit and my hips buck. He grins, pushing them back down into the bed.

“I love watching you, just like this.” He grins. “You look so fucking perfect.” And I’m sure I do in his mind. My legs spread wide, my hips twitching, my head tossed back as I lose myself in lust. I feel his lips latch around my clit and I force my head up so that I can watch him. The suction against my clit, the occasional flicker of his tongue, his hot mouth against me is almost too much to bear. And then, I feel him press a gloved finger into my pussy. My eyes roll back, my breathing grows shorter and more frequent as I savor the feeling of his hand fucking into me. Another finger follows, then another. With three fingers, filling me I the extreme and his plush lips, quite literally sucking me off, I come, screaming his name, my body convulsing, my hips bucking as I give into the most delicious heat I have ever know.

“Fuck me baby, please!” I beg, still shaking with my recent orgasm. He obliges. His coat is off of him and half way across the room before I have even stopped shuddering. I scarcely have time to watch him unbuckle the too tight pants that hang deliciously low on his hips, baring that perfect ‘v’ of his abdomen. The happy trail that is exposed as he yanks his pants further down. He is mine, all mine. What have I done to deserve this level of perfection? As I contemplate that, he yanks off the remainder of his clothing and grabs my hips. 

“On your hands and knees, sweetheart.” He orders. My stomach flips, my thighs clench together, but I follow directions perfectly, for him and only for him. He grabs my hips in his hands, and with such delicious ferocity, he slams himself into me. I feel his cock, sheathed completely inside of me. I hear him groan, broken and beautiful. He pounds into me, grabbing handfuls of my ass, so aggressively, I feel his fingernails bite into my flesh. An idea pops into my head.

“Spank me!” I beg and he does, the noise is loud and echoes across the room and I find that I enjoy it very much. Groaning, I myself come closer and closer to the edge. His movements are unrelenting, all instinct, all want. And I want him like nothing else in this world.

“I love you so fucking much, Rueki.” He says, his balls move in time with his thrusts, teasing my clit. 

“I love you too.” I come undone again with a cry and he follows right behind me, spilling his seed into me. He clenches my hips, gripping them tight for another second before he pulls out. With zero regard to the mess, he scoops me into his arms and lays on his back, with me on his chest.

We lay there in the aftermath, folded into one another, limbs a tangled mess. I am drenched in sweat, but he still weaves a hand into my hair to play with that.

“I missed that.” I laugh, referring to the feeling of his hands in my hair. “I forgot how amazing that feels.”

“Everything I do is amazing, Rueks, got it memorized?” He grins, lazily at me.

“When you have a heart back, I hope every moment we spend together feels like this.” I confess.

“I don’t.” He says, I flinch.

“Is this because of what I said to Saix, that I’d kill her myself?” I ask. “Because it’s not like I want to, it’s not like I’d take pleasure in…I just…” I don’t think there are words that can make this right, no beautiful prose that will not condemn me.

“I wish I left you in another world, after Shibuya. You’d be safe from all of this. You wouldn’t be turning cold.” He mutters.

“Is that what you’re worried about?” I ask. “That my heart is growing cold?”

“I can’t lose who you are, Rueki.” He admits, brushing my bangs out of my face to look into both of my eyes. “I know you’re nineteen, you’re going to mature, you’re going to grow. But the Organization is good for breaking people down. We may be hollow, but I don’t know…I’ve wondered a lot lately, if I was never told I didn’t have a heart, would I be like this? Or would I still be the gold hearted boy I used to be? I’ve turned a lot of things off in my own mind and been thankful for not having a heart or a conscience more times than I can count…I don’t want you to become what I have.”

“And what’s that?” I ask.

“A monster.”


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter drunk as all hell on New Year's Even and while editing it, realized it didn't make any sense. Like the writing was beautiful, but nothing made sense at all. Hopefully, it does now!

XXXIII.

Three weeks pass, I don’t dream about Lea anymore, instead, I dream that Naminé stands with a masked man, telling him Sora’s progress has stilled. I wonder if maybe Axel was too late, maybe I am already a monster for letting this happen.

Axel and I are walking through the castle and have barely made our way into a hallway, when a voice interrupts us.

“Axel, Rueki!” Xion’s voice pipes up from behind us. This is the first time I’ve seen her since we brought her back to the Castle, though through the grapevine, we figured out she hadn’t been ended, a while ago. Why, I am still unsure.

“Huh?” I turn back, stopping in my tracks, an eyebrow raised. With my hand in Axel’s and my sudden stop, he stumbles, rocking back on his heel.

“You need something?” He asks Xion, turning to her, I notice a bit of bite in his voice. I don’t have any bite in my voice, all I have is an unwavering resolve that no matter how much I adore this girl, it doesn’t matter. Sora must endure. And more than that, Roxas must endure. I don’t want to think about the weariness I’ve seen in his blue eyes this past month, the wear and tear his smile has endured. I simply want to freeze him in my memory, in the light of the setting sun, holding a bar of ice cream in his hand, grinning from ear to ear.

“Well, um... Something's wrong with Roxas. You don't know why, do you? He says the Keyblade wears him out when he goes to use it. And then today, I was fighting the same way Roxas does.” Xion murmurs, and I can already tell where this is going. She needs reassurance, a promise from us that she isn’t going to be the death of Roxas—a promise we can’t grant. My hand is a vice grip on Axel’s, I wrap my arm around my middle, trying desperately to hold myself together.

“You would know more about Roxas than we do by now.” Axel grumbles. I want to admonish him for being callous to her, but I get it. I beyond get it.

“What do you mean?” Xion asks.

“You know!” I snap. “I see it in your mind, all the time, every night when I sleep. You know what you are! At first, I thought you were a clone of Sora, but you know that’s wrong, don’t you? You were created to mimic Roxas’ powers!” I cry out and Xion gasps. Already, I can feel tears prickling at my vision. “But somehow, you’re going in, robbing them both of their memory or their powers, and you just keep getting stronger, and—” My voice catches in my throat, I turn away from her and Axel, drawing both of my arms around my stomach.

“Rueki!” I can hear Xion move behind me and I put a hand up.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to, I just…You have his memories now, Sora’s, that is. You know… he was my friend too.” I whisper.

“What can I…Then what should I do?” Xion asks, tone desperate and helpless. Axel heaves a sigh. I tilt my head to look at him as he crosses the distance between himself and her. He sets a hand on her shoulder, which is so dainty, so delicate. The face of the brunette boy that rests on her neck just doesn’t seem right to me.

“You gotta think for yourself. Cuz I know you’re not just a puppet.” Axel assures her. “We both do. We’re best friends. You, me, Roxas and Rueki. Got it memorized?” And somehow, in those words, I hear Axel’s surliness crumble. I promised him a couple months ago that I’d be strong enough for both of us. He was so adamant that I had dirtied my hands too much, that I needed to hand the hard things off to him, but the more I look at him, the longer this goes on, I realize he won’t be able to carry out the impossible mission that we must. And I can’t even fault him. Because for how hurt I am, for how troubling Xion’s existence is to me, for all of the words I have said, swearing otherwise, I don’t think I can end her either. For some reason, this makes Axel all the more endearing to me, all the more human. Such a violently delicious contradiction.

“What do you think?” Xion asks me, I turn fully toward her, biting my lip.

“You don’t want me to answer that.” The tears start to creep into my voice. I watch Xion’s expression falter. For a second, she is that dark haired girl again. I reach out and grab her hand. “I don’t want to lose you.” I breathe.

“But you don’t want to lose Sora or Roxas either. And as long as I’m alive, they will keep losing everything. I think I saw him today, Rueki.” She whispers. “Sora.” Axel gasps, I blink back tears, but still, they slide down my cheeks, hot and heavy.

“He’s not well, is he?” I ask, though I already know the answer to that. Axel sighs.

“This just isn’t right.” He murmurs, but somehow, that is the end of it.

\--

I’m in the library, hunched over a book that I can barely have the attention span to read when Axel jerks my shoulder back, out of nowhere. I didn’t even realize he had entered the room and I choke on the air that floods my lungs, my brain instantly going into overdrive. Zexion is here, here to trap me in the Lexicon, he’s going to kill me and—

“Baby, baby you’re okay.” Axel’s voice assures me, as I shake. “It’s me. Axel. I’m right here, Rueks, you’re in the library, it’s just us, nothing can hurt you.” He wraps both arms around me from behind. His warmth eases me back into reality, and when I feel the heat radiating from his hands, I start to relax.

“Dammit.” I whisper. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve seemed out of it a lot lately.” He mutters, lips against the crown of my head. “Are you having nightmares again?” He asks. I shake my head.

“I think right now, real life is a lot worse.” I say. “How are we supposed to do this?” 

“I already told you, you’re not going to—”

“And neither are you.” I say, firmly. “No more bloodshed, not for you, not for me. I just…I don’t know how to sit by helplessly and watch one of my very best friends die.”

“Well maybe you can save both of them one more time.” He says. I raise an eyebrow.

“Is this a permanent solution?” I ask.

“I wish.” He sighs. “Roxas and Xion have been assigned a mission, they both see each other as a Heartless. They’re supposed to fight to the death.” Axel says and I instantly go tense. For a second, I wonder if that is really so bad, to let fate choose which of them make it out alive. But all it takes is that second for me to remember that if Xion emerges victorious, and she will, with Roxas’ dwindling strength, not only will I lose him, but the world will lose Sora. I don’t want to know what fresh hell it will sink into without that boy.

“Okay.” I nod. “Let’s go.” 

We barely make it in time for me Roxas’ shoulders as Axel grab’s Xion, sufficiently pulling the two off of each other. And for all that we’ve been through, all the dirty tricks this Organization has played on all of us, what do those kids do? They look at each other and burst out laughing, like this has all been some hilarious joke. Roxas suggests we get ice cream. Xion says she wants to watch the sunset. And Axel and I? We both know that soon enough, our quartet will fall apart. We take this chance, maybe the last chance we will ever get to sit beside each other and smile on top of the clock tower.

“Brain freeze!” Xion giggles, touching her fingertips to her lips.

“It’s been a while since we’ve all hung out like this.” Roxas reminds us.

“It’s been a while since we’ve all felt like an us.” I confess, looking to the two of them.

“Well, we’ve had our share of drama lately.” Axel shrugs, all nonchalance, though I know he is aching inside just as deeply as I am. I reach out and squeeze his hand and that seems to light a fire beneath him. “I just remembered! Did you know you guys should be checking your ice cream sticks?” This seems like a childish, utterly stupid distraction. I contemplate clocking him over the head. But Xion’s eyes light up.

“Really?” She asks.

“Once you finish your ice cream, see if the stick says ‘WINNER’.” Axel says. “Not that I’ve ever seen one myself.”

“Huh, wait a second…” Roxas mutters.

“What is it?” I ask, though the kid is transparent as all hell.

“Uh, it’s nothing. So then, what happens if you win?” Roxas asks. This kid has straight up got a winner stick stored somewhere.

“I’ll tell yah…” Axel starts. “That’s a good question.”

“What, you don’t know?” Roxas asks.

“He acts like he knows a lot, but he’s been fooling you all this whole time. He literally knows nothing.” I grin at Axel, who elbows me.

“Sticks and stones, princess.” He grins. It feels nice, back to our old dynamic, teasing each other. For a moment, things almost feel alright. “Anyhow, it’s gotta be something nifty if you’re a winner, right?” 

“Cool.” Roxas nods.

“Real solid logic.” I grin at Axel who kisses my cheek, sloppily. “Hey!” I laugh.

“Heh heh heh... Wow. The sun's beautiful. I know we've seen a lot of sunsets, but today's puts them all to shame. If only things could stay like this forever.” Xion sighs, looking out at the sun. Suddenly, Roxas speaks.

“Say, what if we all just took off?” Roxas asks. My eyes go wide.

“What?” Xion asks.

“Yes. Now.” I say, turning to Roxas with an urgent look on my face. “We can find somewhere the Organization hasn’t been to, we’ll stick together, we’ll have to be on our guard, but the four of us can be safe and happy.”

“Rueki, we’ve talked about this!” Axel’s eyes are blazing as he looks at me, but I very pointedly ignore him. He heaves a sigh, looking to Roxas, trying to be the voice of reason. “We can’t.”

“But, if we ran, I bet we could always be together.” Roxas insists.

“He’s right, honestly, Axel, how much worse could it get than this?” I ask.

“We have nowhere to run.” Xion suddenly says, looking at me with world weary eyes. Suddenly, I am reminded that our problems won’t be fixed just by fleeing from the Organization, no matter how bad I want to. I have fought and fought, and that hasn’t worked at all, but I suppose taking flight won’t either. I look to Axel. He looks back at me, utterly exasperated. I try to make it up to him by squeezing his thigh.

“I’m sorry. It just sounds so nice.” I whisper, so that only he can hear.

“Soon, baby. I promise.” He squeezes my leg as well.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Roxas agrees with Xion.

“What’s important isn’t that we hang out with each other every day.” I concede, heaving a dramatic sigh.

“As long as we keep each other in our thoughts, we'll never be apart, right?” Xion asks. “Should I say we’ve got it memorized, too?” She giggles.

“Huh?” I asks.

“You’re starting to sound just like Axel.” Roxas informs me. I turn to Axel, who is grinning goofily. 

“Yeah, I guess that might not be the worst thing ever.” I smile and think about how if the company I keep is changing who I am, then maybe that is not so bad.

“Well, we’ve got it memorized.” Xion nods.

“Good.” Axel nods.

“I’ll have these moments memorized for a long time. Forever.” Xion says.

“Me too.” Roxas nods. I turn to Axel, I squeeze his hand. This isn’t permanent, I know. This quartet does not have a forever. But if one of my friends has to die…

I just know, I’m thankful it isn’t the man whose hand is in mine.

\--

“Today’s the day.” Axel whispers, his voice heavy as he zips up his coat.

“Come on man, you know how much I hate when you say cryptic shit.” I sigh. Today isn’t particularly special for me, in fact, I’m actually kind of cherishing the fact that I get to beat Heartless away from the castle with Demyx. 

“Forgive me, I didn’t think it was appropriate to lead into a conversation with ‘Saix told me today is the day I have to kill Xion’.” Axel grumbles. I shrug.

“For what we’ve had to deal with, I guess it wouldn’t be the weirdest thing any of us has ever said to the other.” I shrug. “Though you’re right, it wasn’t nearly as funny as the time you were jealous of Roxas.” I grin.

“How can you make jokes at a time like this?” He sighs. 

“I learn from the best.” I cross the distance to boop his nose. Then, a heaviness hangs in the air, around us. “You want me to go instead?” I ask.

“I doubt they’ll let you. This is my punishment.” He says.

“For what?”

“For keeping you around.” He sighs.

“Axel…”

“Don’t worry. Nothing I can’t take, princess. Just try not to get too drenched with Demyx today. I’m gonna need you after this is all said and done.” He tries to shrug off the weight of his words, but I can’t.

“That’s fucked up that you’re still getting punished for not killing me, especially when they’ve already found a thousand and one ways to use me.” I spit.

“Yeah, but everyone has kept their mouth shut about what I learned in Shibuya. This is the tax I pay to keep you safe.” He replies, as though it is that simple.

“Wanna just make things easier and fucking tell me already?” I ask. He offers me a sad sort of smile.

“The way your memories a creeping back, wouldn’t surprise me if you found out soon. You’ve gotta forgive a guy for wanting to keep his skeletons in the closet.” He shrugs.

“What skeletons? What do you think will really be so terrible if I know the truth?” I ask. 

“You think you’re getting used now? Wait. If the Organization knows that you know, there won’t be anything left of you. With the snap of your fingers, you’ll be just like the rest of us.” He sighs.

\--

Mission completed, I find my way, soaked from head to toe, right to where Roxas is. He looks to me, brow knit.

“Rueki, where were you today? I looked everywhere for you.” He says, tone accusing. My stomach drops, I’ve been purposefully avoiding him since the day Axel and I broke up his fight with Xion. Unable to watch her drain him any further.

“I was on a mission with Demyx. Didn’t you have work to do?” I tease, trying to hide the weariness in my voice. And the worry. What the hell is this kid going to say when he finds out that Xion is dead? And what lie will Axel tell to save his own skin? For the first time since knowing him, I pray that he has the perfect one conjured up.

“Yeah, I had to work, but I got my mission done as quickly as I could. Axel, Xion and Xigbar left on a mission this morning, it just seemed like a really odd group. I’ve been tearing the castle apart left and right, looking for them.” He sighs. It wouldn’t surprise me if Axel was already hiding in our room, miserable. But Xigbar? I didn’t realize he was going today. It makes me wonder, does Saix not trust Axel at all anymore? And if not, what was the last straw?

“I’ll help you look.” I offer, though I don’t know what I expect to turn up. Certainly not what we get. We hear them before we see them.

“And now we’re left with the one we can’t use.” Saix grumbles as we enter the room. 

“Did something happen?” Roxas asks, eyes darting around the room. Axel, Xigbar, but no Xion. “Where’s Xion?” He asks. I quickly cross the room to Axel and throw my arms around him. Saix rolls his eyes and leaves.

“Are you okay?” I whisper, so that only he can hear.

“I didn’t do it. I couldn’t.” He whispers back, and I don’t know whether to be pleased or pissed. I draw away, but stand firmly at his side.

“She flew the coop. Flamesilocks here couldn't trouble himself to clip her wings.” Xigbar accuses, with the flourish of his hands. I want to reach out and smack him for how his words will would Roxas. But he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t understand that Roxas wouldn’t care one way or another if he loses all of his strength, as long as Xion keeps hers. He doesn’t understand that despite not having a heart, this boy sure acts like he does. Axel doesn’t even bother to defend himself, though I’m not sure at this point, if that makes it better or worse.

“Huh? What does he mean, Axel?” Roxas asks.

“He means we’re not supposed to be here, Roxas, come on.” I flutter away from Axel to grab the boy’s arm, but he shrugs me off. 

“Your friend sat there sucking his thumb while Xion walked right off...I'm going back to my room.” Xigbar huffs, walking out.

“What happened out there?” Roxas looks at Axel with hard, suspicious eyes. I touch my heart, looking to my man, wondering how he can handle watching that zombie boy, turn into a sweet, eager kid, and then, to an untrusting Nobody. Because I certainly can’t.

“Roxas, leave it alone.” I order.

“What are you doing, Rueki?” He asks me, shaking his head. “First the two of you attack Xion, and you don’t say anything about it! You just show back up for ice cream, breaking up a fight like nothing even happened? If Axel let Xion run away again, shouldn’t you care? She’s our friend.” 

“Maybe I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t do things without a good reason. I love him, I trust him. It’s that simple. He’s your best friend, you should trust that he’s looking out for you too!” I insist, my hands balling into fists. 

“So you think it’s okay that he hides things from us?”

“Fuck off, kid. You have no idea what it’s like to keep things to yourself, so the people you love don’t get hurt. The weight of everything on your shoulders, how heavy everything feels in your heart. You don’t understand it until you’ve been through it. Knowing that you have the answers, but having to sit on them because the truth isn’t going to save anyone! It’s not an easy thing to shoulder, not really.” I shake my head. I think about Sora and his stalled memories. Of Roxas and his dwindling strength. The truth is awful, the truth will not set them free.

“So he didn’t hide anything from you then, did he? You know. It’s just me you’re keeping secrets from…” Roxas whispers.

“Oh, don’t be that way kid, nothing happened.” Axel sighs. 

“Nothing?” Roxas scoffs. “Xion’s gone, how can that be nothing?”

“It's just like Xigbar said. I just sat there sucking my thumb watching Xion run away.” Axel says, waving his hands.

“I’m asking you why you did that, and you know it!” Roxas roars, stomping toward him. I look at Axel, willing him to give me permission to drop the secret like a bomb on this kid. This little asshole. My friend, but it doesn’t matter, I’m so beyond mad at him right now.

“Xion is like a mirror that reflects you.” Axel starts, crossing his arms to his chest and I feel weight lifted off of my shoulders. Permission granted. 

“You’re not making any sense.” Roxas says.

“Then make sense of this! Xion is a puppet that replicates your powers! And she’s killing you! She doesn’t know that she’s doing it, but since you stepped foot in Castle Oblivion, she’s been draining you. And since he lost his memories, she’s been draining Sora!” I scream. Axel quickly grabs my shoulders and yanks me back from where I stand, dangerously close to Roxas, heated as all hell.

“Rueki!” Axel chastises.

“He wants to know the truth, he can fucking have it!” I insist.

“Sora..the connection.” Roxas says, though I don’t quite understand that. “But…Xion’s a person, not a puppet.”

“She's a mirror that reflects you. And when I looked in the mirror... It wasn't you I saw.” Axel looks apprehensively between Roxas and I, and I feel nauseous. Sora. It’s Sora that he saw. 

“Xion is Xion. You can’t expect her to be me.” Roxas wrinkles his nose in disgust. I contemplate reaching out to slap him, maybe it’ll knock some sense into him.

“That’s not what I mean.” Axel shakes his head. “It was only a matter of time before someone broke that mirror.”

“You mean, they have to destroy her?” He asks. Axel looks away from him, his hands falling away from my shoulder. I wrap an arm around his waist, securing him, holding him together and in this moment, I am strong enough for both of us. “Answer me!” Roxas shouts.

“If someone doesn’t, everything around us is going to fall apart.” I shout.

“Nothing is going to fall apart! We’re all best friends. The three of us and Xion!” Roxas insists. Dammit, I swear, even Del was never this daft.

“That’s not it.” Axel heaves a sigh. “You’re missing the whole point, Roxas.”

“Forget this.” Roxas throws his hands up and takes off.

“Better fucking run you little prick!” I shout. Axel jerks me back, his eyes blazing.

“What are you doing?” He asks.

“He’s not gonna talk like that to you, all you’re trying to do is save him!” I plead. “You had to deal with me doing that the entire time we were in Oblivion, and I was sucking your dick. No one else is ever going to talk to you that way.”

“I don’t need a guard dog, princess.” He says, though I catch a smile, a very thankful one creeping at the corners of his lips.

“I don’t care. You’ve got me. I’m yours, you’re mine. If we don’t have each other’s backs, no matter what, who will?” I ask. 

“I love you so much, Rueki.” He smiles, every ounce of his anger melting away.

“I love you more.”

\--

Roxas doesn’t have all of his strength back. He barely says two words to Axel and I, and Xemnas tells everyone that Xion is a puppet. I feel looks of pity on me, looks of disgust. I feel eyes piercing into me but with Axel’s hand around mine, I don’t care. It is over a year that I have been here now, officially. Roughly a year that we’ve been sleeping together. 

“Should we celebrate an anniversary?” I ask, raising an eyebrow as we stand in the Grey Area one morning. 

“A what?” He asks.

“I’ve been here over a year.” I inform him. “We hooked up like right after I got here.” I remind him.

“It was like, two weeks after you got here.” He laughs, throwing his head back. “I’ve got it memorized.” Absently, he traces my hip, the scar that we both know is on there, the mark that keeps him on my mind, constantly. Well, that among other things.

“You’re such a girl.” I tease. “All I wanted to do was fuck you. No questions asked.”

“Oh come on, who started sleeping in my room?” He asked.

“Only because you made me squirt and I felt bad about you having to be in a wet bed alone.” I snort.

“Admit it, you fell for me.” He grins.

“Well obviously.” I giggle.

“And all because I’m so good in bed.”

“Hmm, that one, I’ll give you.” I wrap my arms around his waist and press my lips to his.

This is when Roxas walks into the room. 

“Axel. Rueki.” He says. I turn to him, my arms still around my man, his hands resting on my back

“Hey Roxas.” Axel says at the same time I say “Sup, kid?”

The three of us look at each other in a way we never have before. With tension lingering, anxiety heavy, hard feelings unable to dissolve.

“Did you find Xion yet?” Roxas asks. I want to tell him that we haven’t been looking. That he’s an ungrateful little brat, we’re choosing his life over hers and he should be grateful. I want to tell him he’s stupid if he thinks that Axel and I haven’t wrestled with this for months. Instead, Axel speaks. 

“You know it isn’t gonna be that easy.” Axel tries.

“I suppose not…” Roxas says, carefully. “Have you two known about Xion this whole time?”

“No, not the whole time.” Axel says vaguely. I catch myself getting heated, yet again. Friend or not, Roxas can watch himself with these accusations.

“Since when then?” He asks.

“Since Xion and I both fainted, that night we were out looking for the imposter. I don’t expect you to understand this, but there’s a link on our hearts. You, me, Xion, Sora. A witch put it there, a witch that Axel and I met in Castle Oblivion. She altered Sora’s memories, none of us stopped her. The Organization’s plan was to put him to sleep so that you and Xion would be the only ones in charge of gathering hearts. They don’t trust him. But, this witch changed her mind. In the end, she chose to save Sora, but she had to fix his memories first. She can’t though, not with Xion alive. Xion keeps intercepting those memorie. And now, she’s intercepting your strength too. The night that Xion and I were out, the witch tried to tell me that Sora was in danger because of Xion. I didn’t understand, so she linked our hearts, our memories. She can unlink it, but I guess this is probably my punishment for letting this happen to Sora, for being willing to let you and Xion coexist.”

“Who is Sora?” Roxas asks. I turn away from him and can practically feel his rage boiling over. “Axel, she won’t answer me, so tell me, who am I really? I’m special like Xion, I know that. But the Organization wanted me out of the picture. Am I right?” 

“Yeah, they did.” Axel sighs. I look to him with wide eyes. “I was never going to follow through on any of those orders, Rueki, and neither were you, we would’ve left if they pushed us, that’s why I never said anything.”

“I guess it's 'cause Xion copied my powers, and the Keyblade's powers, and they didn't need me anymore. And Axel, Rueki I guess you felt the same way.” Roxas mutters.

“That’s a hunk of shit and you know it!” I snap at Roxas. “We’re not neglecting Xion because we don’t care about her, but Roxas, you matter more! To both of us! You can’t both live at the same time, and you’re just…” My best friend. The one that pulled me out of the panic attacks I had, the one who defended me against Saix, the one who was smart enough to suggest we all run away.

“You’ll always be our best friend.” Axel says.

“Best friends are supposed to be honest with each other! Who am I? Xemnas says me and Xion are connected to each other through Sora. You say the same thing, Rueki, but I don't even know a Sora! Am I a puppet like Xion?” Roxas asks.

“No, you’re different.” I say, flatly.

“Then why d—”

“Finding out the truth doesn’t always work out for the best!” Axel cries out in desperation. 

“What makes you so sure about that? I have the right to know the truth! How did I even get here? Why am I so special? Where did I learn how to use the Keyblade? I hardly know who I am! What is so wrong with wanting some answers!?” Roxas cries out.

“Roxas…” I heave a sigh, wondering what I can tell him to win him back. Wondering what I can say to keep him and Sora safe. Wondering if there are any words that can salvage this. 

“I need to know guys, please, who am I?” Roxas pleads. I look to Axel, who sighs.

“You’ve just got to trust us, Roxas.” He sighs.

“I don’t. I can’t.” I don’t know if my heart could possibly snap any faster. I clutch my chest as I think of the night Roxas sat beside me, chatting with me through the night so I wouldn’t dream. Of the time I had a panic attack in a cluster of Heartless, and how he fought them off with one hand and comforted me with the other. Am I really going to lose this boy’s trust?

But is it really such a bad thing if he hates me, as long as he makes it out? My dearest friend.

“Roxas…” Axel tries, gently.

“Somebody knows where I came from. If I can't get answers here, I'll get them somewhere else. That'll be the person...I trust.” Roxas walks out. My blood bubbles, boiling over the edge.

“Fuck you then, if you ever cross my path again, don’t even fucking say hello!” My voice echoes in an empty hall. I fall apart right then and there, throwing myself into Axel’s arms. I swear, I feel a teardrop hit the top of my head, but when I look up, he won’t meet my gaze.

I don’t know how long we cling to each other, clutching each other in desperation, trying to keep our broken pieces from crumbling. But suddenly, I sense something.

“Roxas is leaving. He’s running away. He’s really doing it.” I gasp. I can’t decide if the kid is selfish or if I should be jealous of me him. “He’s at the base of the castle.”

“Then we have to go.” Axel squeezes my shoulder before opening a portal. We make it just in time for Roxas to walk past us. Rain pounds over my head. Axel puts his hood up, but it all hammers down onto me. In the shorts, bustier and boots, I feel like the real Rueki, not the girl decorated in a cloak that she doesn’t belong in.

“Don’t go!” I cry out, through the rain. Roxas freezes for a moment, but doesn’t look back at us.

“Why did the Keyblade choose me? I have to know.” I know the answer to that, so does Axel, but he’s smart, he knows that will only do more damage than good. So I follow his suit and don’t say another word about Sora. I’ve already said too much, as is, I’m sure.

“You can’t turn your back on the Organization! You get on their bad side and they’ll destroy you!” Axel warns.

“Twilight knows they tried to with me!” I call out.

Roxas hesitates a moment and then starts walking again.

“No one would miss me.”

“That’s not true.” I scream, though I know it’s no use.

“I would.” Axel sighs.

“Me too.”


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know I've said this before, but I've been cranking out chapters on my laptop like a best and plan to have this fic done by early February. I dunno if anyone reads these notes (I hope you do, I usually post important shit here) but THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL! AND A PREQUEL! I'll update you guys with the posting schedule for those, the closer we get to the end, but the closer you guys get to this story being done, don't forget. This is not the end for Axel/Lea and Rueki! This fic will go to the end of KH2, but I do intend to release a sequel that will cover Dream Drop Distance and KH3. The prequel will be short, four chapters about Rueki's childhood in Hollow Bastion/Radiant Garden. This will be called 'Ignite' and will be posted immediately after this story ends. So hey, if you read these notes, maybe leave a comment, letting me know that you know what's up.

XXXIV.

Xemnas calls a meeting to inform us that Roxas is gone, that he’s run away. Unlike Xion however, he has quite a bit of interest in getting the boy back. 

“Our Organization is not whole without its Key.” Xemnas announces, arms outstretched. And I want to bite back that Xion is just as important, that she’s a Keybearer too. But I know how much more important Roxas is, that he absolutely is the only one of the two of them who is allowed to live through this. I don’t know how to stop my heart from breaking at these thughts. And at the words Roxas said while he left.

No one would miss me.

He cannot have possibly been more wrong.

I sit on the arm of Axel’s chair and squeeze his hand. His thumb brushes my knuckles. I think that without him, I would have shattered violently, a very long time ago. 

“Go out, I beseech all of you. Find our thirteenth member. There is no greater cause than this one.” And I don’t disagree, but no one was there other than me and Axel when Roxas stalked off into the night. No one knows we were there either, which is for the best, but what this means is that no one knows the state he was in when he left.

“Have you not noticed how pissed Roxas was the past few weeks? Since you told us not to search for Xion, he’s been angry. Since you’ve put a bounty on her head, he’s been hostile as all hell. He’s not going to come back willingly.” I insist. 

“The boy lacks emotions, he’d do best to recall that and not fall victim to the illusion that you seem to cast upon everyone in your presence.” Saix hisses at me. My forearms tense. Axel squeezes my hand a lot tighter.

“Yeah, tell that to him.” I snap.

“Whether or not he has emotions is not in question, but I’m inclined to agree with Rueki. XIII is a wildcard at best. Trying to recruit him back would be a gamble indeed. This is a game we are unlikely to win.” Luxord says, and while I am not suddenly excited to be around him, it’s nice that someone else in the room understands logic. Plus, I have a lot more on my plate that I’m concerned about, infinitely more has gone wrong in my life since our stint in Transmute City. A petty grudge is the last of my concerns. No one in this room, save for Axel knows about my empathy link, no one knows the battle I am fighting internally. 

“Are you questioning the judgement of our wise Superior?” Saix asks, eyebrow raised, tone defensive.

“Not in the slightest. However, as a gambler myself, I cannot allow someone entrance into the game without knowing all of the risks involved. I’m nothing if not fair.” Luxord replies with a shrug.

“Yeah, the kid’s a nut, but hey, he doesn’t need to be conscious when he comes back.” Xigbar says with a shrug. “If Little Rueki can’t handle it, then I’m sure we can find something else for her to do.”

“Do you not believe the girl to be the strongest tie to Roxas this Organization has?” Xaldin asks, again, like I’m not even in the room, and I so hate this.

“Alright, alright, I’ll go after him. You can let Rueki outta this one, right? I mean, she’s not even a member.” Axel’s eyes flash dangerously as he looks to Saix and Xemnas, who barely regard him, though I think I see the trace of a smirk on Xemnas’ lips. 

“Are you implying that she’s incapable of holding her own, VIII?” Xemnas asks.

“I’m implying that she can’t open a portal on her own. She couldn’t get nearly as much searching done as the rest of us.” Axel says, though I can hear in his voice a desperate plea. He’s afraid I’m going to break again. Or perhaps his fears are something worse. Much worse. 

“Fortunately for you, there are plenty of other members she could leach onto for the time being. You have your own special orders.” Saix says to Axel, who shifts uncomfortably.

“Oh yeah? Something more important than finding Roxas?” Axel counters.

“Equally. Xion. She is still missing. And still a threat to Roxas. Being that you personally interfered on their mission, in which they were to fight each other, it is now your task to see an end to her. Find her, destroy her.” Saix orders. 

“How the fuck can you ask that of him?” I snap, the hand that isn’t in Axel’s balls into a fist. Fuck this Organization, how can a single one of them say that this is Axel’s purpose, when anyone else could do this objectively? “He’s her friend, haven’t you asked enough of him? Between all of the shit at Oblivion, now this? Anyone else can do this fucking job, why does he constantly have to be your henchman, the fixer of all of the problems you’ve allowed to exist?” A discomfort falls over the room, an awkward shifting and I am reminded that the last time I mouthed off in the meeting room was when Saix and I fought and Xemnas twisted my words to his advantage. 

“How many times does it need to be said that no one in this room has a heart to feel all of the things that you are so convinced we do?” Saix rolls his eyes. “Do you genuinely lack the brain power? Or are you yearning to end Xion yourself? Are you simply as heartless as the rest of us, and are keen to shed blood of yet another Organization member, as you did in Castle Oblivion.”

If I thought the room was still before, I was wrong. Silence, and then murmuring, uneasy grumbling amongst the group. I feel every set of eyes on me, with such deep intensity. Beside me, every muscle in Axel’s body visibly tenses and his eyes burn, a hatred, an eternal flame.

“Those were your orders, you self righteous fucking prick! You were the one who said that the traitors must be eliminated. Don’t you dare try to put this on anyone other than yourself!” I scream. 

“And when, would you suggest, that these words came out of my mouth? Certainly, neither myself, nor VII announced this in a meeting.” Xemnas says, blithely. My hands shake in rage, my fingernails bite into my palms.

“You sent Xion and Roxas to kill each other! You’ve got everyone here doing the most asinine tasks ever, in the name of research when you could’ve just sent those two out on double duty, collecting hearts! Don’t pretend you give a shit about any of the members here when you are very comfortable letting them kill each other off! Everyone in this room is a means to an end to you!” I snap.

“The musings of a lunatic.” Xemnas shakes his head. “Has being in our rank derailed you so severely, Rueki? Perhaps we should’ve seen this coming, the incessant nightmares, the feigned panic attacks.” 

“Feigned? Oh, fuck you!” I snap, my body lurching forward. Axel yanks me back.

“Stop.” Axel hisses. “You can’t win this one.” And I know this, but I don’t care.

“How many secrets have you kept from everyone here, all so that you could carry on with this grand little scheme of yours? If anyone is a fucking madman, it’s you!” I snap.

“Secrets. Schemes.” Xemnas chuckles. “Perhaps our Flurry of Dancing Flames would care to share the deepest secret of them all. Perhaps he could tell us just how dirty your hands got in Castle Oblivion, how many times you disobeyed orders to protect the Keybearer. Or perhaps, an even better kept secret as to what he learned about your past.”

Axel’s mouth opens in retort, but his teeth snap back together. His nostrils flare and his eyes narrow as he regards both the Superior and his oldest friend. 

“Fine. Whatever. I’ll take care of Xion. I control the Assassin Nobodies, right? This is what I do best.” Axel seethes, his shoulders curling back in a way that almost looks menacing. Saix looks away from him in irritation. Xemnas smirks.

“As it should be, VIII. The rest of you, as previously stated, are onto finding XIII, no matter what it takes. IX, as you were originally, you will take Rueki with you. Are there any further concerns?” Xemnas asks. 

A few more mumbles and then, from Axel.

“Whatever, we’re done here.” He teleports the two of us down from his throne and drags me half way across the room, before anyone else is even out of their throne. I wish he would talk to me, say a single word, but I know how dangerous the room we’re in is. The tight set of his jaw is probably for the best, but it does nothing to ebb my anxiety. Or my hatred.

“Hey, Rueki!” Demyx comes sprinting at us, nearly stumbling over as he picks up speed, waving his hand.

“Not now, Dem.” Axel grumbles.

“Come on, man I’m just trying to do my job.” Demyx sighs, and from him, I still actually believe it.

“And I said, not fucking now.” Axel whips around, tearing his hand from mine, eyes blazing.

“Hey, hey, come on.” Demyx puts his hand up defensively, and all I can think is that his drizzle is not enough to put out the wildfire that burns inside Axel. 

“Hey!” I step in between the two of them, never thinking in a million years that I would be playing the mediator. But here I am. My hatred isn’t for either of these two men beside me. My eyes flick up to where Xemnas and Saix are still conspiring in their thrones. Those two are the problem, they’re the root of all of it. They’re going to be the death of everyone in this room unless someone does something. “Give us ten minutes, Demyx. Just give us ten minutes to talk, you can meet me outside our room, okay?” Demyx’s eyes flick nervously from Saix to Xemnas and back to us, and when he finally seems to resolve that he will not immediately be skinned alive, he nods.

“Yeah, sure.” He agrees. I set my hand on Axel’s back and we teleport back into our room.

“Fuck!” He roars, kicking over our nightstand with such a force that I stumble back, eyes wide. “Did you fucking hear him? How the hell could he drag you into this?” I don’t know if he means Xemnas or Saix, but I agree, completely.

“Don’t worry about me, I can handle myself.” I insist.

“You don’t understand, Rueki. Now, any alliances you might’ve had in the Organization are going to fade. How long do you think you and Demyx are going to be cool, when he finds out you killed Zexion?” He asks, whipping around with wild eyes.

“Doesn’t matter.” I say flatly. “Because this Organization can’t last much longer.”

“What?” He looks at me, face scrunching up.

“Xemnas wants to paint a target on my back, fine. But if we’re smart, we can spin it. Take him on, get the others on our side, as many as we can. Every single one of you doesn’t have a heart and you’re too logical to believe the bullshit, cool, we can run with that. We’ll remind anyone we can get to listen that I have a heart, that I wouldn’t choose to damage it by killing anyone if I could help it, that I was just trying to stay alive, since Xemnas himself said he wanted me eliminated in Oblivion.” I try. “We’ll get everyone to listen, and we’ll take Xemnas down.”

“Who are you going to get to listen to you, Rueki?” He sighs.

“I don’t know, work with me!” I plead. “We’ll get Roxas back, I’ll try with Demyx and Luxord. Maybe Xigbar, I dunno, he seems like kind of a wildcard.” 

“He’s so tied to Xemnas, you couldn’t even try to untangle anyone from the original six. Or Saix now. Demyx won’t do anything that puts his own life on the line, and neither will Luxord. Dem’s not brave enough and Luxord is too smart to do anything that’s that huge of a risk with that little payoff.” Axel says, which I hate. I don’t like that he’s deflating my ideas, I don’t care how rash they are. I snatch Survivor off of the dresser, strapping into it as I look at him.

“Fine. You, me, Roxas. Once Xion’s gone he’ll have his full strength. We don’t need everyone on our side, maybe Luxord and Demyx won’t side with us, but maybe they’ll try to keep their heads down. The three of us can take down Xemnas, Saix, Xaldin and Xigbar if need be. We’ve got this Axel!” I swear.

“This isn’t going to work! There is no overthrowing them, there’s no beating them. There’s just doing the fucking dirty work and laying low until I get my heart back. Then we’re done, we’ll be free.” He insists.

“Right, because that’s working out so well for us right now!” I throw my hands up. 

“It’s not like I don’t want to, Rueki, but what you’re suggesting…” He shakes his head. “It just isn’t possible.”

“You miss every shot you don’t take.” I cross my arms to my chest.

“This shot will keep you alive, princess. So just leave Xemnas and Saix to me, got it memorized?” He asks.

“Why, what are you going to do?” I ask. “Or is this just another one of those things you tell me not to worry about, but then you do nothing, and it gets worse? Like this whole shit show with Roxas and Xion.” 

“Are you seriously blaming me?” He shakes his head. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

“I wasn’t blaming you for anything. All I’m saying is don’t tell me not to act and then sit around yourself, because who knows where this whole problem would be if you would’ve just let me do something in the first place!” I insist.

“Oh, so you’d rather go back to having nightmares every damn night, but this time about Xion and not Zexion? Real smart plan, Rueki. Forgive me, but some of us don’t just want you to be alive, but sane too.” He sighs.

“Would you stop underestimating me? I can handle a lot more than you think!” I remind him.

“But you shouldn’t have to. We’re done talking about this, Rueki. Go on your mission. I have to go hunt down our friend. No more me sitting around, doing nothing. Happy now?” He asks. And no, I’m not happy. I’m not even the slightest bit happy. Not just with this conversation but with this entire Organization. And maybe he just doesn’t give a shit enough about his own life, maybe he’s content just surviving, but I’m not. Especially when I know, it is only a matter of time that we will be doing that. In no time at all, Xemnas will be finding excuses to eliminate every single member here. Maybe it’s the insight I have on the Organization, maybe it’s Roxas’ hatred of the Organization, transferring through the empathy link, maybe I’m just sick of seeing the man I love get used and abused, but something needs to change, or we will both be dead. I know this, without a shadow of a doubt. And if no one else will help me, if I have to do this myself, so be it. Not just for me, but for Axel. I don’t need to say another word about this to him but… If I have to take someone out to save him, then it’s such an easy choice. I was on the opposite side of things during Oblivion. Maybe he’ll just have to deal with me silently plotting to take care of business. Maybe he will have to deal with being in the dark. If it means we make it out of this alive, that’s all that matters.

“You know, you’re a real fucking bastard when you want to be. Don’t forget, you’re pissed at them, not me.” I turn around and stalk out the door, shoulders tense. Demyx is waiting right outside as I slam the door behind me. I don’t know who jumps higher, me or him. 

“Hey…” Demyx rubs the back of his neck. “I wasn’t eavesdropping so like, don’t worry.”

“I honestly wouldn’t even care if you were.” I shrug. “You don’t need to be afraid of me or anything, you know? I wasn’t lying. I didn’t kill anyone I wasn’t ordered to. It’s not like I would choose to…I’m not a monster.” I sigh.

“I know.” He offers me a small half smile, but his voice is so utterly genuine. “Come on, let’s go.” We start through the portal and on the other end is…Motunui…

“You think he’s here?” I ask. Demyx shrugs.

“I don’t have any idea where Roxas might be, only thing I know is that he’s got a pretty big set, running off like this.” Demyx smiles and I forgot how much I missed that. My friend, my uncomplicated, trustworthy friend. I wonder how my life might be different if he and I got close instead of me, Roxas and Xion. “But Xemnas wanted us to search here. Everyone’s assigned to search a different world. Well, except for…”

“Axel.” I already miss the feeling of his warmth beside me. I hate fighting with him, even when I know we’re going to make up the moment I see him next. Our relationships is not as volatile as it used to be, I don’t fear it crashing to an end, but still, I hate the thought of negativity between the two of us.

“Yeah, sorry, I didn’t mean to bring him up.” Demyx sighs. “I don’t know why they keep sticking us together. Haven’t you told me a thousand times I need to work on being a better friend?” I know he’s trying to joke with me, but it breaks my heart.

“Oh come on, you’re a fine friend. A hell of a lot better than me. We’ve barely seen each other since I got back from Oblivion. I’ve had my head so far up my ass with all of this Xion shit and all of these panic attacks.” I sigh. “I might actually be a terrible friend.”

“Well, from one terrible friend to another—aren’t you happy I don’t have the heart to hold a grudge?” Demyx laughs.

“If I never hear that line from any of you people ever again, I swear, it’ll still be too soon.” I grin at him. “Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve kind of missed you, Demyx.”

“Now you’re really starting to sound like Axel.” He says. 

“You know what they say about the company you keep.” I offer.

“Speaking of…” He sighs and so do I.

“Xion?” I ask.

“Yeah. How long have you known about her being a puppet?” He asks. 

“I dunno. A couple months now. It’s a whole complicated mess. I ran into Naminé and—”

“Wait, what?” His eyes go wide.

“Oh don’t go telling everyone now.” I sigh. “Besides, I’ve tried to find her since then. I can’t and believe me, I gave it my all. She was the one who told me.” Not completely true but not completely a lie. It’s a fine line to walk and I am disgusted by how easy it has gotten for me to do this.

“Damn.” He mutters, blinking. “Why?”

“Because she thought I’d ‘do the right thing’ and kill Xion. I guess she’s absorbing Sora’s memories, not just Roxas’ strength. So they’re both getting weaker as she gets stronger. Not that she can control it, but yeah. Naminé decided I’d be the best person to kill my friend.” I confess. And that’s it, that’s all he’s getting out of me on this.

“Jeez.” He says. “That sucks.” He pats my shoulder. It’s nothing like Roxas, who was just awkward and didn’t know how to offer comfort. Demyx knows what to do, but this is as much effort as he is willing to give.

“Yeah.” I say, because that about sums it up. 

“What about Oblivion?” He asks me. I snort.

“I really don’t want to talk about Oblivion, dude. Like ever again.” I sigh. “I have enough fucking nightmares about that place.” When I’m not dreaming about the progress of Sora’s memories, or my past. 

“Sorry.” He offers me a half smile.

“Is this another Luxord thing? ‘Just doing your job’, prying information for Xemnas? Because he can eat my ass.” I grumbled.

“Wait, what?” He raises his eyebrows.

“Luxord. He tricked me into killing someone, so he could report back to Xemnas that I had clearly killed before?” I say, and perhaps it was dumb of me to believe that he already knew about this. For as gossip happy as this castle seemed to be when I arrived here, now everything is so secretive and sneaky.

“Is that why you stopped coming around?” He asks, and to be honest, I don’t know if it was that or being distracted by my new friends. I shrug. “Jeez, that wasn’t very nice.” And again, that about sums it up.

“You don’t need to pretend you care dude, it’s okay.” I shrug. Demyx pats my shoulder again. 

“I do believe you, ya know? About Oblivion. I didn’t want to say anything in the Castle, it doesn’t seem like anything is safe anymore…but Luxord and I have both been talking lately. This whole killing off members thing? I dunno, I know I don’t have a heart, but it makes me feel uneasy.” Demyx shrugs. “Something isn’t right, Rueki. And Xemnas is the one who has been without a heart the longest. I wonder if it’s starting to effect his mind.” Just like it’s effecting mine. Darkness, spilling out of my heart, letting memories in that are supposed to be lost to me forever. I’m unraveling just as fast as the madman Superior. I guess it will just be a test, to see if I can put a dent in him before I go completely insane.

“You might just be onto something there.”

\--

“I’m sorry.” I say, the second I walk through the door of mine and Axel’s room. Demyx didn’t find Roxas, though I didn’t expect to. Not even a little bit.

Axel’s got a potion in one hand and is clutching his abdomen with the other. He looks like absolute hell, sallow, almost grey in the skin. I reach into my pocket and retrieve two potions. “That won’t help.” I say, gently taking the potion from his hand. I load both potions into Survivor, pinch my eyes shut and use all of my energy, channeling it, fast and fierce, into my claw. I set it over where his heart should be and suddenly his eyes go wide. Color is instantly restored to his face and he gasps, as though he is coming to life for the first time.

“Shit, thank you.” He wheezes, setting a hand on his chest as I pull mine away. I pull Survivor off and set it on the dresser behind us, quite exhausted from the effort of my Alchemy. That is all the time it takes for him to climb out of bed and wrap his arms around my middle. “And you don’t have anything to be sorry about. I’m sorry. Everything that’s been happening lately is such a mess, it’s not like I meant to snap. You didn’t deserve that.”

“It’s not like I haven’t snapped at you, a thousand times, even when you didn’t deserve it. Like you said, we’ve been through hell lately. It was only a matter of time before one of us went off.” I say, sighing into his touch, squeezing his hand where it rests on my middle.

“Remember when the worst thing we had to worry about was what kind of fight we’d get into that day?” He asks, chuckling.

“It feels like that was a whole different life.” I smile, softly. “I sure do miss that. You know, the whole not caring if you hated me, going off on a tangent whenever I wanted to. The makeup sex.”

“The makeup sex.” He agrees. “I miss laughing with you. That week or so you slept in my room before we went to Oblivion. Before everything turned to shit.”

“I miss those couple weeks just after we got home. Ice cream on the clock tower every evening, followed by a thousand nights to remember in bed with you.” I sigh.

“What do you want when I get my heart back?” He asks.

“Hmm?”

“With our lives. With our future.”

“I want to follow you to the ends of forever. I want to bum around on the beach with you. Stay in bed for days with you. Travel to every world we want to go to whenever we want to go there.” I say.

“You should know better than to follow me, princess. You know I’ve got a damn good tendency for walking to walls.” He kisses my shoulder.

“S’okay.” I shrug.

“What if all I want to do is follow you to the ends of forever?” 

“Then I’d say…” I try to think of a witty response, but nothing quite fits nearly as well as “I love you.”

“I love you too, Rueki.” He sighs, squeezing me a little tighter. “Don’t tell anyone, but I couldn’t do any of this without you.” 

“Sure you could’ve.” I say. “You know, I’ve got to ask you…did you find her today?”

“Yeah, yeah I did.” He stills, his arms lingering around me. “I gave that fight my all. I had no idea, I knew this would be hard but…damn. The girl is strong. Real strong, Rueks. Doesn’t look good for Roxas. I beat her, but it knocked me onto my ass. When I finally woke up, she was gone.”

“Faded?” I ask.

“I don’t think so. We can kind of sense that sort of thing. Those of us without hearts.” He says.

“I know, Marluxia and Zexion both said as much.” And what’s more, is I already knew the answer to it, though subconsciously. Xion and I are still tied to one another, I think we will be until she is gone. “We’ve gotta find Roxas.” 

“I lost Xion in Twilight Town. Something tells me, you might find him there too.” He says.

“Why’s that?” I ask.

“We’re all creatures of habit, Rueki. Where do they know best, besides this world?” He asks. And he’s right.

The following morning, I set out on a solo mission to Twilight Town.  
 


	35. Chapter 35

XXXV.

357 days after he joins the Organization. I find Roxas.

But first, I find Xion

She sits, on the stairs of the Old Mansion, exactly where I found Naminé, months ago. Strange, how I once saw the blonde witch’s face on XIV’s body. And now, she has Sora’s face, without a doubt. The face casts me very sad, distraught look.

“Hello, Rueki.” She says.

“Hey, Xion.” I whisper. Somehow, I think this hurts worse than if I had found out she faded yesterday. She doesn’t brace herself for a fight and neither do I. I’m not sure why, but there’s something in her mind, pushing a soothing feeling toward me. I will not be the one who has to end her, Xion know this and so do I. She knows she must die, and so do I. So I give in to my deepest feelings. “I missed you.” 

“But not as much as you miss Roxas.” She says, though with no hurt in her voice. I stride over to the staircase and sit down beside her.

“Don’t do that. You’re my friends, I don’t want to have to choose between you two.” I shake my head.

“But you would, if push came to shove. I understand why Naminé chose you. You’re the only one who would act, if push came to shove. Axel tried, yesterday, he really did, but I don’t think he had it in him. Don’t worry, you’re off the hook too. But… I know you, Rueki. You would have done the right thing, I know.” She says. 

“You know, the longer this goes on, the less I’m sure what is right and what isn’t.” I confess, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. She smiles softly.

“How long have you seen his face on me?” She asks. I flinch. “It’s different, you know, for everyone. Axel sees Naminé, Roxas sees a girl that looks like Kairi, I don’t think Saix even sees a face on me at all. But you’ve seen all of that on me, haven’t you?”

“Yes.” I nod. “Since I discovered the empathy link, that’s when I started seeing Sora’s face. Sometimes I see that girl though, the one that looks like Kairi, but with black hair. At first, I thought it was Amaya’s face, you looked so much like her. But for the most part, I look at you and I see Sora.” And I feel guilt, so much guilt.

“Is that when you knew what you had to do?” She asks.

“Yes.” I breathe. She laughs, a small, humorless sound.

“It helps, doesn’t it? Not having a heart that gets in the way of things?” And I notice her wording is so particular. Not having a heart that gets in the way of things. Unlike her, I do have a heart, but it is cold, miserable, logical to a fault. It doesn’t matter how much I cherish this girl, my feelings would not get in the way if she asked me to kill her now. I fight back tears that want so desperately to spring up. My heart might still beat in my chest, unlike hers, but there is no loyalty inside of it.

“Xion, I’m sorry.” I sigh, resting my head in my hands, unable to look at her face, at Sora’s face. This poor girl is going to die thinking I hate her, and that is not what I want. “I loved you like a sister. I wanted to see you smile so bad when Riku called you a fraud. I wanted to fight Saix every time he said something cruel to you. I tried so hard to find a way to disconnect your existence from Sora’s. Axel and I searched everywhere we could for something that could help, I tried to call on Naminé, I wanted so badly for there to be another way.”

“I know.” She nods as I bring my head up, resurfacing. “But it doesn’t matter. I’m not meant to exist in the first place.”

“You know, Axel says the same thing about himself. There’s something seriously fucked up about this Organization, Xion. You’re all treated like you don’t matter, like you’re just these empty shells that can’t emote in the first place, but you and I know differently than that. Don’t you? I’ve seen you insecure, I’ve seen Roxas happy, I’ve seen Saix angry…I’ve seen Axel love. There’s got to be something more.” I insist. She shrugs.

“Maybe for them. But not for me. I’m sorry Rueki. But thank you for trying. This is the way things have to be though, we both know that.” And we do, she’s right, I’m not fool enough to believe otherwise. But still, I reach out and squeeze her hand, gently.

“I’m sorry, Xion.” I whisper.

“I know. And I am too. You’ve all been so kind to me. You, Axel, Roxas. All I have done is bring you pain.” She says.

“That is not even a little bit true, and you know it.” I remind her. She laughs, hollowly.

“You sound like you really believe that. But whatever the case, the good I’ve done does not outweigh the trouble I have caused. So, it’s time for me to go.” She stands up, staring blankly into the distance, blue eyes glazed over. “You have to take care of Roxas for me, while I’m gone, okay? He’s going to need you to keep him out of trouble. It won’t be easy, but I trust you Rueki. I know you’ll do what’s right, no matter how hard things get.” I don’t have time to question her further. She turns around, her face flashes, the girl with short dark hair. She sets a hand to my heart and yanks at my empathy link. It rips the energy straight from my being and I faint, right there on the staircase.

I wake, square in the middle of Twilight Town, unsure of how I got here. I don’t recall chasing anyone into town, and yet, I know I did. Fog fills the voids that I cannot make sense of. No matter how I try to reach out and grasp the memories, they evade me, slipping away as my fingertips brush them. I swear, I can recall a girl, with short, choppy black hair and big blue eyes. I recall sitting on the stairs with her, talking, holding back tears. I recall nearly a year’s worth of sunsets, and missions, with this girl at my side. But it all falls away, the memories shed from me the way a reptile might shed its skin. In fact, they flutter away from me so quickly, so easily, I am quite convinced that they are nothing but far off dreams. The only thing that looks real, that feels real, is a teenage boy, kneeling on the ground, arms outspread as he clutches a crystalline silhouette. A hand fading, but not the way Zexion faded. No, there is no darkness shrouding this extremity. Instead, it simply disappears into the air, a twinkling cloud of whit smoke.

The smoke disappears and so does the dream.

All that remains is my dearest friend, in my line of sight with tears in his eyes.

‘You have to take care of Roxas’. Something is missing. Something enormous. 

“Roxas!” I cry out, sprinting toward him, where he kneels on the ground, his hands shaking. “Roxas…” I whisper his name, sliding on my knees until we are only a few inches apart. He looks up, his eyes flicking to mine. 

“She’s gone.” He says to me, his eyes wide. The ocean, right before a hurricane. 

“She.” I say, though my memories slip away from me, before I can catch them. I reach out to grasp it, but before I can do that, she’s gone. She. 

I don’t see a girl’s face anymore, I see Roxas, my best friend, broken and sad on the streets of Twilight Town.

“What happened to us, Rueki?” He asks, and I genuinely don’t know. It feels like, anymore, I know so very little. I reach out and touch my friend’s face. 

“Everything just seemed to go so wrong, so fast.” And that’s all I know. I can feel the ache in my heart though, and I can feel hurt, agony, utter despair radiating off of him, thanks partially to the empathy link and partially to the fact that he’s my friend. He’s not the emotionless shell he was 357 days ago. If he had a heart, it would sit right at the sleeve of his cloak, ready for me to reach out and squeeze. 

“I can’t…It feels like everything is still falling apart.” Roxas shakes his head. My thumb brushes across his cheekbone, wiping away a tear. 

“Fuck.” I say, throwing my arms around his neck. He weeps into my shoulder and I pat his back, making promises I can’t keep. “It’s going to be okay. This is all going to be okay.” 

“It will be. When I kill Xemnas.” He breathes against my shoulder. I freeze. Something inside of me stirs. A memory that does know how to separate itself and something that is missing. I remember sitting in the meeting room, on the arm of Axel’s chair. I remember being told to find Roxas, I remember Axel being given unreasonable orders though I don’t remember quite what and that bothers me. I remember fighting Xemnas on it and him painting me as a lunatic, once again. This can’t go on. No more hurt, no more pain. Not more death.

Death?

I don’t know where that thought came from, and as quickly as it appears, I brush it off. 

Axel wouldn’t help me take down the Organization and that’s fine. I’m not doing this for anyone but him, and if he can’t appreciate it, that’s alright. He can at least reap the benefits of it. If he hates me at the end of this, that is fine. As long as he’s happy in the end. He won’t rebel with me, but Roxas will. I squeeze the blond a little tighter.

“Not you.” I say. He shifts in my arms and pulls away. His eyes are hard as he looks at me, ready to retaliate, I am sure. “Us.” He blinks, utterly shocked. “You wanted to run away from the Organization weeks ago, and we should’ve. You, me, Axel and…” 

“The three of us.” Roxas says, sounding confused. I blink away the haze in my mind. Like so many memories from my past, this gets filed away as unimportant. More to be stored in the sealed room.

“The three of us.” I agree. “We should’ve left when we got the chance. But now, there’s no time for that anymore. We can run, but we won’t get anywhere. Xemnas sent us on a manhunt for you. He’s not gonna let Axel and I just leave. The only way the three of us get out of this safely is by getting rid of him.” And probably Saix too, and I can’t pretend that I will be sad to be rid of him. Axel’s old friend or not.

“We have to kill him, we have to and then I have to unlock Kingdom Hearts and get our hearts back.” He says.

“For you and Axel.” I nod and my heart warms. “Roxas, would you really?” I ask as beautiful thoughts flood my head. Me, Axel, Roxas all of us laughing genuine laughs, having genuine smiles as we eat ice cream at sunset. Me lying beside Axel, no, Lea. My hand on his chest, feeling the beating of his heart beneath my palm. I want this future so bad it physically hurts.

“Of course.” He says. “For me, for Axel and…” He looks dazed for a moment, and while I don’t know who else he could be talking about, I agree with him. This is the only thing we have left, him and I. The only hope we have to cling to.

“I want you to know, kid. You’re my very best friend in the entire world. And I’m sure Axel feels the same. I want you to know, no matter what happens, the three of us will always have each other’s backs.” And go the distance for one another, time and time again, no matter what the cost.

“I know. You guys too.” Roxas nods, wiping away his tears with the back of his gloved hand. “This time, tomorrow. We’ll meet right outside the throne room. Surprise them.” He suggests. I nod.

“I won’t say a word.” And I don’t. I climb into bed with Axel and I hesitate, sitting stiffly at the edge of the bed.

“Something is missing.” I tell him. I prepare for him to brush me off, to tell me that it’s all in my head, because I fear that it truly is. Instead, he reaches across our bed and wraps an arm around my middle and rests his cheek against the curve of my waist.

“Fuck.” He breathes. “Sweetheart, I’ve been thinking the same thing all day. Just can’t place my finger on it.” 

“You don’t have it memorized?” I ask, with absolutely zero humor. He squeezes my hip, sighing softly.

“I guess not.” He holds me tight, almost as though he fears I will disappear. Into sparkling, crystalline smoke. 

I don’t sleep, instead, I chew my lips through the night, fretting, worrying. Something feels wrong, something feels off. I cannot decide if it is the gaps that I am convinced I have or something in the air. But I wait for my life to fall apart.

I wait and watch the clock, sitting outside the throne room, caution thrown to the wayside. Instead, I keep Survivor strapped to my arm, readying myself for the arrival of my very best friend.

I wait, but Roxas never arrives.

I wait, and wait. I worry.

But nothing brings my dearest friend through the doors of the castle.

My hero is gone.

I wait, outside the throne room, long enough to cause a stir.

“What are you doing here?” Saix asks

“Sitting.” I say, flatly. Waiting, watching, hoping.

I wait.

“Your place is not here.” Xemnas tells me, perhaps he is half right. My place is here, but only when I have the Nobody of the Keybearer at my side, ready to raise hell. 

I wait.

“Rueki, trust your friends, you’re not in a right state.” Luxord says, helping me to my feet, looking me in the eyes for the first time since I killed the man in Transmute City. But I don’t care. I hang limply from his arms. What he says means nothing to me. I do trust my friends, and he is not one of them.

I wait.

“Are you gonna be okay, Rueki?” Demyx asks, with a knit brow. “You don’t need to do this…uh…whatever this is.” He rubs the back of his neck.

“I know.” But the joke is on him, I do need to do this. I need my best friend here, we need to unlock  
Kingdom Hearts, get my lover his heart back….

Fill in this missing pieces.

I wait.

Axel finally arrives.

“He’s gone, baby. He’s gone and Xemnas wants us to get him back.” He wraps an arm around my waist.

“What are you talking about?” I ask.

“Riku took him. DiZ has him living in some kind of digital world, his memories are completely gone.” Axel sighs, keeping me close, too close. I can’t move, I can’t breathe. My lungs feel as though they shrunk up. He can’t know who I was waiting for, could he? There’s no way, this isn’t possible, no matter how well he knows me, he cannot read my mind. Roxas cannot be gone.

“What are you saying?” I snap.

“Roxas is gone. He’s trapped, waiting to be absorbed by Sora. He can’t come back.” He whispers. “I’m sorry, Rueki.”

\--

“Our Key is gone.” Xemnas announces. “This, we already knew.”

“Obviously.” I grumble. Axel warningly sets a hand on my thigh. But I don’t care, he doesn’t understand. Not that it’s fair for me to expect him to. I haven’t said a single word to him about what Roxas and I had conspired to do, he doesn’t know quite how broken this has left me. 

“What we were unaware of until now, is that the enemy has taken him. A man going by the name DiZ has stolen our Key and means to rid us of him permanently. He has imprisoned Roxas in a data world, without any of his memories. This man’s intentions are to bond him back to Sora, so that we as an Organization are never to be whole again.” Xemnas says.

“But…isn’t that our goal anyway? To get out hearts back? Isn’t it a good thing that Roxas is gonna get his?” Demyx asks, and I don’t know whether to be thankful or annoyed. As much as I want Roxas safely out of harms way, as much as he deserves a heart…Why is it that he and Sora cannot coexist? I don’t want to lose one friend to gain another. Not when I already…

My head throbs as whatever isn’t supposed to be there is washed away. An alarming numbness replaces the pain quickly.

“Are you insinuating that you know better than the Superior himself?” Saix hisses. Demyx quite literally whimpers.

“He’s not wrong.” I bite back, glowering up at Saix. He regards me with pure hatred.

“Are you so intent on making a spectacle of yourself every chance you get.” He sneers.

“She’s right though! If this guy is going to bind him back to Sora, how are we supposed to get him back?” Axel asks with an upturned palm. Saix’s eyes turn deadly cold as he looks to his friend, utterly displeased at even being questioned. I see pain in Axel’s eyes. A crippling misery and I know he has come to terms with the fact that our best friend is now out of reach. I still don’t know if it has fully set in. Should he become one with Sora? Should I be chasing after him so that we can complete our plan and overthrow the Organization? Should I be doing everything in my power to bring this boy back?

“We’ve already sent the Dusks on recon, attempting to figure out some way into this data world. It looks like there is a loophole in the system, an ability for us to intercede.” Xemnas says. “Fear not, comrades, not all is lost for our Key.”

“He’s more than just a key.” Axel mutters, under his breath, arms crossing defiantly to his chest. I raise an eyebrow. This is the angriest I think I’ve ever seen him with Xemnas, the most defensive…but no. There was that time he was given unreasonable orders. What were they again? When I lashed out at Xemnas and he made me look like a crazy person. I was just thinking about this the other day with Roxas… Not that it matters, none of this matters. 

“Who will be going after the boy?” Xaldin asks, face perfectly neutral. I know the answer to this before my name even leaves his mouth.

“Rueki, of course is the candidate for this task. With her ties to both Sora and Roxas, who better for the job?” Xemnas asks, eyes narrowed as he looks upon me. 

“Shocker.” I roll my eyes. And damn, I’m so torn. Of course, I want Roxas back so bad. I want the boy I conspired with at my side, I want my dear friend to enjoy ice cream, seated next to me and the man I love most. I want the summer vacation we barely had, back. I just want to be happy with my friends and screw the consequences. But then, I think about more than just me. I think about what Roxas truly deserves, and what Sora deserves. And maybe Roxas doesn’t deserve to be absorbed by Sora, but would that really be worse than this road that Axel and I are walking, with the Organizatio?. Would it really be the end of things, his existence merging with Sora’s or would it make Roxas whole? In the haziest part of my mind, I recall someone telling me that I would make the right choice, that essentially, I would be the one to do the dirty work to balance the universal scales of justice. I don’t recall who for the life of me but…

They were right. Roxas cannot come back. And it has to be my job to keep my mouth shut, to make sure the Organization thinks that despite our best efforts, this is a futile task. But I can’t just do this now, tell them ‘oh, it will never work’. Not if I want to stay alive. I have to plan, to plot, to conspire in a way that would make Larxene and Marluxia jealous. Xemnas really must believe that I tried to get Roxas back, with all of my might.

“She will infiltrate this digital Twilight Town, and retrieve him. How grand, a chance to prove that your loyalties truly do lie within the Organization.” Xemnas says. “How easy it will be for all of us to forget the blemish upon your record that is Castle Oblivion, once our Key is back in our ranks.”

“Yeah, how do you suggest I do that? What makes you think he’s going to just come along with me? Have we all suddenly forgotten that he left, of his own free will, once already. Why the hell would he come back, even if he did suddenly remember everything?” I ask, cautiously.

“Perhaps you’ll find you can be more persuasive when your so called friend’s nonexistence is on the line?” 

“It doesn’t have anything do with that, and you know it. I’ve done everything you’ve ever asked me to, let me get him. Leave her out of this!” Axel snaps, suddenly deadly from beside me. But he can’t be the one to do this. I know, it really has to be me.

“Oh ho! Temper, temper!” Xigbar throws his head back laughing. Axel narrows his eyes as he regards the older man. “Can’t have your girlie forgetting—you don’t have a heart in the first place. Stop acting like you do. Or maybe it’s you that forgot.” 

“Stay the fuck out of this!” Axel snaps, slamming his fist against the arm of his throne. I flinch, my eyes wide as I look at him. “This is between me and Xemnas, got it memorized?”

“And yet, it seems you’re involving everyone in this entire room. Causing a scene. A shame, you were a far more productive member before she rubbed off on you.” Saix says, looking to Axel with such distain. 

“I’ll go get Roxas.” Axel hisses, eyes still on Saix for just a moment. Just a brief second in time, and yet, I can see a new hatred, one I don’t recall ever seeing in my lover’s eyes. A hatred for a man he once called friend. “I’ll bring him back, whatever it takes, okay? Just leave her the hell out of this!” There’s so much fire in Axel’s tone, a burning determination. Too bad it is all for naught.

“The Superior’s orders have always been final. Never up for debate. What is this desperate need, VIII, in behaving like a defiant child, when it comes to some girl we found half dead on the streets of our world, only last year? You were once diligent, a soldier for this Organization, the ultimate executioner of our cause. Has she truly rendered you to nothing more than a lovesick boy?” This is the most I think I’ve ever heard Xaldin talk. Axel clenches his jaw, his mouth and eyes equally hard as his gaze circles the room. I don’t know if he’s looking for a sympathetic face or someone willing to test him, but he is met with only stony expressions. And my hand, resting on his shoulder in a way that I hope is reassuring.

“I can’t even travel by darkness.” I remind the room, my voice steady despite everything. 

“Each member of this room is able and willing to open up a portal for you, for such a cause.” Xemnas says. Something in his tone makes me hesitate for a moment. Something breathtakingly familiar and yet impossibly distant all at once. My eyes go wide in realization. I realize how very much Xemnas reminds me of Marluxia.

‘You’ve got a poison in your veins that is desperate to get out’, Marluxia once told me. And yes, yes I do. Let them send me on this mission. Let the Superior think he’s won. Let him push Axel further and further. He will not like the retaliation he is met with. And first things first—sabotage this nonsense with Roxas. No matter how deeply it breaks my heart, he can’t be allowed back to Xemnas. Sora must endure. And the Organization, besides the man whose chair I sit on the arm of, the rest? They must fall.

“And what if Roxas doesn’t remember, no matter what I do?”

“Perhaps you’ll find that using force is quite a necessary tool.”Xemnas says. Haha, fuck him. Tell me more about how I need to beat my friend into submission. “And, if your own abilities are not enough…perhaps it is time for VIII to teach you how to summon the Dusks.”

I think to laugh in his face and tell him that isn’t possible. I think to tell him to go to hell. I think to remind him that he’s dealing with someone outside of his normal clan. I think to tell him in a million ways that there is no way that could ever possibly happen.

The look of horror that stuns Axel’s face, tells me though, that it is very possible.


	36. Chapter 36

XXXVI.

I like Twilight Town. I like the mild weather and the hazy orange skies. I like the sound of the kids running around on their break, laughing and the sound of venders politely helping patrons. I don’t even mind the gossip surrounding me, and even in this digital world I have infiltrated, there is a lot. 

“No one knows where she came from, but I’m pretty sure she’s here doing community service, she got kicked out of her last school.” One whisper says.

“She sent naked pictures of herself to a boyfriend and he sent them to the whole school, so she’s transferring here in the fall.” Another says.

“Her parents sent her here to live with her aunt, because they don’t want her anymore.” Another whisper says. They’re all cliché, sad, high school stereotypes, utterly unexciting, but I appreciate the effort. I tuck a strand of blonde hair behind my ear. Harlot, delinquent, reject, whatever they want to paint me as, that’s fine, I listen, I’ll laugh, and Axel probably will too when I get back to him. That’s the one thing that brings me even a shred of comfort now. Knowing who I have waiting for me with open arms at home. That, and the sight of the golden haired boy, helping an elderly shop owner get her cat off of the roof of her shop.

Roxas looks so happy here, it almost feels dirty pretending to try to bring him back. Thank Twilight is all just that, a pretense. Nothing beyond sea salt ice cream, sunsets and summer vacation should make up this boy’s life.

“We should ask her if she knows anything.” Another blond boy says, not so quietly. A brunette girl swats his arm, a dangerous look in her green eyes. 

“Hayner, you can’t just point at people.” The girl huffs.

“He’s right though, Olette.” A dark haired boy says to the girl, sheepishly. “Someone should talk to her.”

“Oh, you?” Hayner teases. The dark haired boy laughs nervously.

“Are you kidding? I’ve heard she’s pretty tough, I don’t want to mess with her.” He says, a little quieter than the first boy, Hayner.

“Roxas should go.” Hayner claps his shoulder. My friend turns to his new friend, his fake friend, blue eyes narrowed.

“Thanks for volunteering me. Jerk.” Roxas pouts. I want to stride over and throw my arms around him. I want to run to him and share with him everything I remember about this past summer, with him, me and Axel. I want to share memories of sitting on the clock tower eating ice cream after missions, memories of holding hands to keep each other tethered to reality. I want to share with him my world, a world that would be so incredibly different if he hadn’t been around to shape it.

“Good luck, man.” The dark haired boy smiles.

“Thanks a lot, Pence.” Roxas rolls his eyes, all attitude—and I swear, he got that from me, these other three kids can fuck off. With sluggish footsteps, he traipses over to where I sit, at the base of one of the buildings, a dark pair of sunglasses on, a book in my lap, one leg stretched out in front of me. “Um, hey. It’s Rueki, right?” I am unprepared for the amount of delight I feel as he says my name.

“Mmmhmm.” Is all I get out, I know if I say anything else right now, I will squeal with joy like a child on Christmas day. Or burst into tears and plead with him to just come home. Or both.

“My friends and I, we were wondering…someone’s been going around stealing ____. Do you happen to know anything?” He asks, sheepishly, looking at me through his lashes. I think he looks adorable, like a, puppy dog. I bite back a laugh.

Fucking Dusks. Complete morons, in the absolute extreme. I think of Axel, pacing back and forth in our bedroom last night, grumbling to himself, running hands through his hair, knocking things over, roaring like a beast. I think of the fury that was unleashed inside of him when Xemnas suggested I learn how to summon them, and I understand Axel’s fear.

“Dark magic is dangerous, Rueki. Especially when you don’t even know basic magic. Use it sparingly, don’t dive deep, and whatever you do, resist the call, got it memorized?” His words from last night, clipped and intense, ring through my head, as does the shattering of his expression when, with the wave of my hand, I called a Dusk to the room. I want to say that it was difficult, and that I didn’t understand what he meant by the call. But it wasn’t, and I do.

Even now, I think of the creatures skulking around in the darkness, whispering to me ‘mistress’ and vowing to serve me. Their voices echo, raspy and weak in my head, but the sensation that came with summoning them was not weak in the slightest. It burned beautifully, electrifying my being in the most delightful way possible. Dipping your toes in ice water on a hot summer day, the first breath after being under water too long, your first orgasm. None of that seems to hold a candle to feeling of using dark magic. That jolting sensation tantalizes me, begs for more. I want more. The rush, the beautiful surge of dark power. The promise, creeping at the edge of my consciousness ‘mistress this entire world can be yours’. But the cynic in me, the part of me with a sense of logic, clings a little tighter to reality. This is how the apprentices lost their hearts and formed the original six. This will kill me if I let it. 

Plus, despite the thrill of power, the Dusks have already proved to be incredibly stupid. Retrieve Roxas, I told them, bring him to me, I told them. What do I have now? A boy that cannot say the word ‘photo’ and a bunch of stupid shells slinking around with pictures of the boy. At least this one, I can genuinely blame on the Dusks.

“Huh. Wish I did, kid. That’s shit luck.” I say. He blanches, as though he has never heard a curse word before and I bite back a smirk. I have no idea who DiZ is, but I doubt he programed a town full of vulgar assholes. 

No, if he did, he’d have to call that place ‘The World That Never Was’.

“I’ll help you look though.” I offer, pushing myself upright. I push my sunglasses up, like a headband and tuck my book in the pocket my synthesis items go into. And what a book it was. Some pointless tome about darkness in the heart. I think for a moment that Axel might be proud of how well I am setting the stage, making it genuinely look like I am putting in effort, even though I’m rigging this whole damn thing to blow. “As long as your friends stop pointing at me, I mean does anyone in this town have any damn manners?” I watch Roxas bite back a smile. A cheeky bastard, through and through. Maybe somewhere underneath it all, my friend is still alive. I want to reach out and squeeze his hand and promise to make this right, like he did a thousand times for me. Instead, I cross my arms to my chest, restraining my hands. 

“Um, yeah. I think we can mostly manage. Except Hayner, he was born in a barn.” Roxas says, just loud enough for the other boy to hear.

“Hey!” Hayner whines. I snort.

“That’s what you get for volunteering him, asshat.” I tease, sticking my tongue out. It’s silly, because I’m on a mission, but I feel so much more like a normal person now than I think I have ever felt.

“What did you say?” Hayner visibly prickles. I snort. A kid after my own heart. The brunette boy is doing a very poor job at choking down laughter.

“I like her, she called you out.” The boy, Pence says. 

“Someone needs to.” The girl, Olette smiles.

“Oh, come on, who’s side are you on?” Hayner sighs. The group of them laugh and I fight back the urge to throw my arm around Roxas’ should in an attempt to assert dominance as the better best friend.

We exchange brief introductions, they seem sweet, but I know I’d forget their names tomorrow if I could bring Roxas back today. The group of them decide we need to go to a place called ‘The Sandlot’, to confront someone named Seifer. 

“Thieves!” A white haired girl accuses them. 

“That was low, y’know!” A musclehead, a tan dark haired boy snaps. A little creature of sorts, which looks like a Shadow wearing a wizard hat and robe, shakes its’ head. 

“Oh yeah?” Hayner snaps? That is when a boy, tan and muscular strides onto the scene, wearing a beanie hat, baggy pants, a long vest and—a crop top. 

“Nice comeback, there blondie.” The kid says.

“You literally have blonde hair sticking out of your hat.” I mutter. Hayner chokes on a laugh and I think I might’ve been redeemed in his eyes.

“Hmm?” Seifer raises an eyebrow, looking me over. Then, with a smirk curled onto his lips, he regards the group. “Congratulations. You’ve got the delinquent new girl on your side.”

“You’re breaking my heart.” I roll my eyes, my voice dripping in sarcasm. What a dick, I’ll befriend these kids just to spite this asshole. 

“You can give us back the ____ now.” Seifer says, completely brushing me off.

“Yeah! You’re the only ones who would take it, y’know?” Musclehead asks.

“That was undeniable proof that we totally owned you lamers. So what did you do? Burn it?” Seifer asks.

“Are we literally not going to talk about the fact that this kid is wearing a crop top?” I mutter under my breath. Roxas offers me a conspiratorial smirk. My heart leaps in my chest.

“Not that we need some ____ to prove that you’re losers.” Seifer replies.

“Replay.” The white haired girl pipes up.

“Ha! Now you’re talking!” He and his friends strike poses, preparing to fight and all I can think is that these are some seriously dumb kids. I think of how the girl’s pose is weak, Musclehead is wide open, the little witch looking thing is nearly shaking in its own shoes and Seifer had a foam bat as a weapon. Cute, real cute. I’ve got a handful of grenades in my pocket that would take these assholes down in a real fight. I think if I rolled my eyes any harder, the sheer force would cause an earthquake. “I guess if you get on your knees and beg, maybe I’ll let it slide.” 

“Do you even listen to yourself talk, or do you just pride yourself on being an insufferable douche?” I ask. Seifer’s eyes narrow.

“There will be no vulgarity in my town.” He growls. I turn to Hayner, because Roxas appears to be taking himself way too seriously.

“How old is this kid? Like seven?” I ask. 

“I think maybe eight.” Hayner grins. And there we are, being delightfully snarky, while Roxas is acting the fool. He takes a step forward and crouches down low. Dammit all, what is this kid doing?

“Roxas!” I don’t know who scolds this kid louder, me or Hayner, but at least I have a new best friend on the backburner in case mine does anything else tragically embarrassing. Or in case….

No…I will need a new best friend. Mine can’t come back no matter what.

I instantly feel sick. The lightness of this situation fades completely as Roxas picks up a blue foam bat and charges at Seifer.

I hear people shout things but I am trying so hard to catch my breath, to keep my vision clear, to wash away the cloudiness creeping at the edge. I concentrate, reaching into the depths of my mind, searching the crevices for the empathy link that was placed on me and Sora. I scour for Roxas and find only more fog.

I barely notice Roxas knock Seifer down. I certainly don’t notice my friend defeat the asshole in the crop top. 

“Seifer’s not feeling so hot, y’know?” Musclehead asks.

“Tournament decides.” The girl says. My heart stops hammering for a second as Pence raises the camera from his neck, to take a picture. And then, there come the Dusks.

Slinking through, without my command, they reach out and snatch the camera. In a split second, they slither through the air, a flurry of white and grey as they disappear toward the shops we just left.

“What was that?” Hayner balks. A bunch of dimwitted assholes, I think.

“The thief?” Olette asks. I turn to Roxas, surprised to find his eyes already on me.

“Do you know what those things are?” He asks me. I make a face. Lie, Rueki, come up with a lie Axel would be proud of. Come up with a lie that doesn’t make it look like you’re trying to save Roxas, just in case the Organization is listening.

“I’ve seen a few in the place I come from. They’re real assholes. You ready to fight?” I ask him. He nods.

“Yeah. Let’s do this.”

He and I race, past the shops, through the woods and to…

I shouldn’t be surprised. The Old Mansion. The place I met Naminé, months ago. 

‘…we have come for you, my liege…” I hear the Dusk’s raspy voice tear through the air, and apparently, so does Roxas, whose eyes go wide.

“Are you their liege?” He asks.

“That’s a negative.” I say, after all, I am ‘mistress’. He brandishes his bat and wastes no time charging in, impulsive and brave, just like the Roxas I knew before. The familiarity is comforting, but the fact that he doesn’t do a lick of damage to the Dusk isn’t. Not that the lesser Nobodies are particularly strong, however, if this one kicks Roxas around enough, he probably won’t be feeling great.

“It’s no use!” He huffs, running back over to me. For a second, I think to just do the work myself, pull out a grenade and call it good. But no, it can’t be this easy, not if I’m going to say I really tried.

“You sure you don’t have anything else to fight it with?” I ask. And maybe Roxas doesn’t remember, maybe he has absolutely no idea who I am or what the Keyblade is. But his instincts do, his body knows. Memories or not, he is still a Keybearer. In his outstretched hand, the bat turns into a Keyblade. His eyes go wide as saucers, his pupils tiny as he looks down at the new blade. “Now that looks like it’ll pack a punch.”

“What…? What is this thing?” He turns over the blade in his hand. I nod in encouragement and he goes charging in. In only a few swings, the creatures are defeated and the photos and camera lay, spread across the grass. I walk over to them and scoop them up. I turn one photo over in my hand. A picture of Roxas with a blonde girl. Another one where Roxas is lying on the ground, defeated in battle by Seifer. Another and another, all of Roxas. I find it both impressive and alarming how expertly this world has been crafted around him. He’s got friends, a backstory, a life. And none of it revolves around me, Axel or any of the other members of the Organization. The depths to which that breaks my heart disturbs me. He was never ours in the first place. He’s Sora’s other half, the borrowed time I got with him was beautiful but… 

Maybe everything we ever had was always meant to end in tragedy.

“You okay?” I ask him, looking up with raised eyebrows.

“Um, yeah. You?” He asks. He closes the distance between us and I hand him the photos. Has he somehow grown even taller? It doesn’t seem possible. I could cry. I reach a hand out to touch him, but freeze, half way. I sigh, my hand falling limply to my side before I offer him a pathetic smile.

“Yeah, all good.” I nod. 

“Thanks for helping.” He says, nodding at me.

“No problem, what are friends for?” I ask. He seems to regard me for a second, head cocked and I think that rejection might literally kill me right now.

“You know, I never believed anything they say about you.” Oh, right, the rumors. The rumors that I found funny only a little while ago. Funny, for as accommodating as the world is to him, it is quite the opposite to me. Acknowledging me, but rejecting me like the blemish upon every group that I am in. Too cold for Del and Amaya, too emotional for Organization XIII, too wicked for Sora, Donald and Goofy. The only time I think I’ve ever felt any semblance of connection was on the clock tower, my head tossed back laughing with Axel on one side of me and Roxas on the other.

“That’s okay.” I shrug. “You can tell them it’s true anyway. Might as well, maybe it’ll make Seifer lay off you guys if he thinks your new friend is a badass.” Roxas cracks a grin as I say this. 

“Thanks. I think I can handle that guy though.” Roxas says. He goes to head out and then turns back to me. “Are you coming?” 

“I should get heading home. I’ve got some people waiting for me.” I confess, looking for a hint of something, a trace of remembrance.

“Okay, see you tomorrow.” Is all he offers. 

“Yeah?” I ask. He nods.

“We’re friends now, right?” We’ve been friends. The past year of your life, you’ve been my best friend, I want to scream.

“Yeah.” I say. He doesn’t turn back to look at me even once as he heads back into town. But I don’t shed a tear, instead, with the wave of my hand, I call the Dusks back, a fire in my eyes.

“The hell was that?” I snap.

‘…mistress…’ 

‘….mistress was in trouble…’

‘…mistress needed help….’

‘…yes help…’

‘…much help…’

‘…yes much…’

‘…couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see…’

‘…frail, needed much help…’

Oh, my panic attack. Stupid, stupid creatures. 

“No, I didn’t need help, I was fine.” I correct.

‘…couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe..’

‘…brought mistress the Key of Destiny…’

‘…yes, brought him to mistress…’

‘…the Superior of the In-Between would be proud…’

‘…yes, much gratitude…’

‘…saved mistress…’

“Oh shut the fuck up.” What a waste of time. “You brought me fucking photos.” But it’s not worth wasting my breath, I know. I do notice however that I can now say ‘photo’, so whatever spell they cast on this world must be undone. “Be gone.” I order and they disappear in a flash of darkness, just as a portal opens in front of me. I don’t know who opened it, or how the Organization knows my day is done, but I walk through the portal. I come out inside the throne room. Every member sits in their thrones, eyes baring down on me. I look up to Axel, offering him a half smile.

“Status update.” Saix demands. To spite him, my eyes stay on Axel.

“There’s a teenage boy that lives in that world, right? Paints himself like a total badass. Wears a crop top.” I tell Axel, who cracks a wicked grin that I can see even at this distance.

“Yeah?” He asks. “Tell me more, beautiful.”

“Status update?” Saix repeats, his tone more clipped and aggravated. 

“There are rumors about me too, the town accommodated my existence. Now I’m the new girl in town, swirled in a veil of secrets. Am I a hoe? Am I a delinquent? Has my family cast me aside and sent me to live with my estranged aunt? We may never know.” I grin at Axel, who quite literally bursts out laughing. He is not the only one though. Xigbar laughs, wildly, Demyx giggles like a child, even Luxord chuckles, smiling softly at me. And I don’t trust him, but I forgive him, I suppose. 

“A status update, Rueki, if you please.” Xemnas finally cuts in. I set my hands on my hips.

“Oh, so you do talk? I thought you just let your guard dog bark. So I decided to catch my boyfriend up on my day, thank you very much.” I say flatly. “Roxas has no fucking clue who I am. Absolute zero memories, and believe me, I tried. The Dusks are hella useless, in case you were wondering. I told them ‘go get Roxas, bring him back’, since your lackies are supposed to be helpful. They stole some pictures of the fucking kid. So congrats, the dark magic has been super helpful.”

“Then perhaps it is time for you to learn to summon greater Nobodies.” Xemnas offers, his eyes darting to Axel’s. I don’t even need to turn to see the deadly glare in Axel’s eyes.

“He doesn’t remember her, what do you want Rueki to do, kill the kid?” Axel heaves a sigh.

“Of course not. But if the girl does not feel her own strength is adequate and must rely on Nobodies, perhaps she needs to call upon more force.” Xemnas says. “We have nothing but help to offer her.”

“Mmm. Right.” I roll my eyes at the same time Axel says “what a load of shit.” Dear Twilight, I have never been so turned on by my man. My eyes flick back to his, I grin wildly. He offers me a wink. I could melt on the floor. 

“A Twilight Thorn should suffice. I trust she will catch onto summoning that as easily as she did a Dusk. Or do you predict otherwise, VIII?” Xemnas asks, a glint in his eye. Axel’s eyes harden.

“No, I think she’ll do fine. Are we done here?” Axel sighs. Xemnas gives the slightest nod of his head and Axel teleports down to me. He wraps his hand around my arm. 

“And Rueki. Perhaps tomorrow you should consider the pain you felt when Sora’s memories disappeared in Castle Oblivion. Do you think you can physically endure the agony of losing someone so much closer to you?” Xemnas’ voice rings through the room. Axel doesn’t waste another second in getting us out of the room.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full disclaimer: I've never experimented with fireplay and wouldn't encourage anyone to unless both they and their partner know the risks of experimenting with such a dangerous kink. I researched it though, because Axel and Rueki deserve a good time.

XXXVII.

I have dreams of Sora’s past. Of waking up in a world called ‘Traverse Town’. Of meeting Donald and Goofy, of the Keyblade. I see these things because Roxas sees these things, because Sora sees these things.

And then, suddenly, after the rush of Sora’s memories, I see Naminé, standing at the sealed room of my memories, assessing the cracks.

“It’s going to consume you. The truth will destroy you. Are you ready?” 

I jolt awake, gripping the sheets with white knuckles. Axel wakes up immediately following me, and on instinct, wraps his arms around me.

“It’s okay sweetheart, it wasn’t real.” He could comfort me in his sleep at this point, and I wonder, briefly, if he is half asleep. “Go back to sleep, you’ve got a big day ahead of you tomorrow.” I don’t end up having a big day, but I listen to him and go through the motions with Hayner, Pence, Olette and Roxas, who do odd jobs to make money to go to the beach. A man in an Organization XIII coat brushes past Roxas and takes the money from him. By time he gets to Hayner, Pence and Olette, the man is gone, but I hear the words he spoke, clear as day.

“Can you feel, Sora?” 

“It didn’t look like Riku, it looked taller, had a deeper voice than the first time we ran into him. But I dunno, I guess the guy could’ve been Riku.” I confess to Axel, though I cannot remember for the life of me when I met Riku, but something tells me, that I have, indeed, encountered him before. Axel and I have spent the evening trying to summon something called aTwilight Thorn. It appears to be an incredibly similar process to summoning Dusks, but requires a bit more energy. The way different mixes require different amounts of my energy to transmute. 

“If Riku is working with DiZ, that’s not a good sign.” Axel shakes his head.

“Who is DiZ?” I ask. “I mean, I get that he was the one who trapped Roxas, but like, why? Why not just leave well enough alone?” 

“Rueki, do you remember us finding the journal in the library in Castle Oblivion, the one the apprentices wrote?” He asks and I nod. “So you remember how the Organization was formed?”

“Yeah, the king or something of the world we’re from was doing experiments with darkness, his apprentices went ham and all lost their hearts, which formed the original six.” I recall.

“So you had it memorized?” He asks. “Good, so this will make sense to you. The ruler of our world? He’s DiZ. I’m not exactly sure what happened, the world fell and he got the hell out of dodge. He’s been underground for the most part, but after Castle Oblivion, he started causing a lot more trouble for us. That was part of why I was in Castle Oblivion for a month, the one time. Xemnas was convinced that DiZ was there, hiding in the basement, using our new territory as his lair.”

“So the original ruler of our world, the one who experimented with darkness kidnapped Roxas?” I ask. 

“Yeah, and now he’s got one hell of a bone to pick with his former apprentices.” Axel explains. “If Riku is working with him, that means Sora is DiZ’s pet project. And that means our chance of getting to Roxas aren’t looking so great.”

“You realize that we’re not getting him back, no matter what, right?” I ask. He frowns, his eyes hard.

“That’s not an option, Rueks.” He says.

“Neither is fucking getting him back. The worlds need Sora. Not just this one, but all of them. We need Sora to collect hearts and keep the balance in the worlds, can you imagine what will happen if Xemnas rules everything?” I ask. 

“You’re just willing to let Roxas go?” He asks me.

“You were the one that said yourself that he can’t come back, it’s not possible.” I remind him. He heaves a sigh, shaking his head.

“But we’ve got to find a way! Maybe Xemnas doesn’t have it right, but maybe you and I can figure something out!” He presses.

“Not if it means Sora doesn’t wake up. I’m sorry if you disagree, but the world needs him, and we played a part in putting him to sleep. It’s our turn to pay the price.” I insist.

“I can’t believe you’re just okay letting Roxas be the sacrifice. Doesn’t he get a say?” He snaps. I pale. I wish he did. I want him to have a say so bad but…Axel doesn’t get it. Roxas wouldn’t even remember us if we dragged him to the clock tower and forced him to eat ice cream.

“This isn’t about getting a say, this is about right and wrong. It doesn’t matter how we feel, this is right. Sora needs to wake up.” I sigh, eyes darting down, because I know he’s pissed. In my peripheral vision, I see his eyes narrow. He gets up out of our bed, I roll my eyes. “Come on, don’t do that.” I sigh.

“You’ve done this before…” He says. “You chose Sora over…” A look of confusion spreads across his face as I look up at him.

“What are you talking about?” He’s making no sense whatsoever and he seems to realize this.

“I don’t know….” He shakes his head. With a dramatic sigh, he turns around. “I need to go for a walk.” 

“Axel, don’t.” I plead. Everything else is falling apart, I need us not to be. I need us to be the pillar of stability that nothing else offers.

“I love you, but I need a minute, sweetheart.” And with that, he strides out of the room. He doesn’t return until after I am asleep, and I am out so early the following morning that we don’t even exchange words. Instead, I tiptoe, noiselessly through the room, so not to stir him, and kiss his temple before departing to Twilight Town.

I not so coincidentally run into Roxas right outside of the Usual Spot. He hits me with an ‘oof’ and I literally fall onto my ass. Fuck, he’s solid as all hell. I mean I knew he was taller and stronger than he was since he first joined the Organization, but nothing about him is a child anymore. Running into him felt like running into a brick wall. He towers over me as he lends a hand to help me up.

“Damn.” I sigh. “Sorry, wasn’t looking where I was going. I was just coming to find you, Hayner, Pence and Olette.” I lie.

“No, I should’ve been paying attention. I didn’t mean to knock you down like that.” Roxas smiles softly at me as I stand up beside him. His tone is so not personable. In fact, he’s regarding me much in the same way that someone would if they were trying to be polite to a complete stranger. Which, I guess I technically am to him, being that he’s only known me for a total of two days in this universe. Still…

He might not know better, but I do. I’ve known him longer.

“You look like someone lit you on fire or something, kid.” I grin. “You must be doing something fun.”

“Yeah.” He chuckles. “Hayner left me a note, saying that the five of us were going to the beach today, that he had the munny and everything taken care of, to meet him at the Station Plaza. I kind of assumed you knew and that I’d be seeing you there. He doesn’t usually take to people as quick as he has to you. He must like you a lot.” And there’s not note of ‘oh Hayner’s got a crush’ or anything like that, so the first reaction I have is annoyance. Of course he enjoys my company, I’m a fucking peach. But then, I realize…it’s Hayner who wants me around. Maybe Pence, maybe Olette, but not Roxas. Maybe he doesn’t hate the idea of me being around, but I am just not that important to him. He’s not asking me to spend the day with him. He’s not giving me hell for not meeting him at the clock tower for ice cream. I am not his best friend. I’m just some strange girl he chased down monsters with, an acquaintance at best. I feel sick. I’m thankful it’s me and not Axel on this mission, because I cannot imagine how deeply this would hurt him. To have Roxas look him in the eye and barely acknowledge his existence? Not that it doesn’t kill me but…

Fuck, I do care so much more about Axel’s mental health than my own. When did I become such a sap?

“That’s only because I was totally willing to kick Seifer’s ass that day we found the photo thief.” We, me and Roxas. Because I am one of his best friends, whether he remembers or not. Was this how Axel felt? Chasing me down through the Castle That Never Was, insisting he knew me? It feels as though so much of my time with Roxas parallels my time with Axel and forces me to see things from my lover’s point of view. It would be annoying, if it wasn’t so heart wrenching. This is when Olette and Pence stroll up to us. 

“Hey.” Roxas nods.

“Morning.” Olette beams, and suddenly everything stops. Pence and Olette freeze mid walk. My eyes go wide, I look to Roxas, expecting him to be frozen too. Maybe this is an Organization XIII thing. Maybe they’ve sent in reinforcements. This seems like something that would be in Luxord’s wheelhouse of capabilities. And yet, when my eyes meet Roxas’, sea green finding deep blue, we realize, in tandem, with a feeling akin to an electric shock, that we are both immune to this.

“You’re not frozen?” He asks.

“I was about to ask you the same thing, kid.” I reply.

“Did you do this?” He asks. I snort.

“Yes. With all of my mystical powers. What do I look like, a fucking magician?” I ask. He rolls his eyes a little, and hey, at least this Roxas is a hell of a lot better at understanding sarcasm. He takes a step to approach Pence and Olette. I grab his arm.

“Hey.” He snaps.

“Piss off, something’s wrong, I’m trying to keep you safe. You don’t know if they’ve been cursed or something.” I snap right back at him, when suddenly, footsteps cut through our tension. With my hand still wrapped around his arm, a slight figure with wispy blonde hair, wearing a white frock, appears.

“Oh.” Her eyes go wide as she catches sight of me. Clearly, I am not part of her grand plan. She chews her lower lip and looks to Roxas, her brow knitting together. “Hello, Roxas.”

“Uh…hi…and you are?” He asks. Naminé’s eyes dart to mine. Oh fuck, I can’t let on that I know her, this would colossally blow my cover. From where I stand, behind Roxas, I shake my head, praying that she gets the hint. I don’t know if my empathy link would work on her, though I assume not, so I don’t even try pushing my thoughts into her mind. Naminé seems to grow mildly less anxious, upon finding out I’m being inconspicuous. I realize right then and there, she is working with DiZ. It makes so much sense. Why she is restoring Sora’s memories, why she interfered and connected me to the Keybearer, why she is here right now with Roxas and I. And now that she knows I am not here to drag Roxas back, kicking and screaming, no matter what the cost, I see her posture soften.

“I wanted to meet you, at least once.” She smiles sweetly at him, in a way that makes my heart skip a beat. Though whether it is mine or Roxas’ non heart, I do not know. This might be some weird empathy link type thing. But she looks so sweet and so sincere, and so mysterious. Even though I know her, I hang on her every word. I like Naminé, it wouldn’t be a lie to say I have missed her. Truly, catching up with her wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. And the Organization will be expecting me to test Roxas with the Twilight Thorn…

“Me?” Roxas asks. Remember how I said he was understanding things like sarcasm better? Apparently I was wrong and he’s still a complete derp. 

“Yes, you.” The witch giggles. She offers me an unreadable look before she turns around and strides off, time unfreezing as she leaves our line of sight.

“Olette dragged me along to go shopping.” Pence whines, as though this is some sort of great torture and shit, I nearly forgot he and Olette were there in the first place. I choke a little as I drop Roxas’ arm. He flushes. Olette and Pence exchange conspiratorial looks. She bites back a giggle. Oh come on. 

“Hey, you wanna come with us?” Olette asks and I hear the very obvious implications in her tone. This is not a double date, and I was holding his arm, not his hand. Though I am certainly flattered that she thinks I look young enough for this to be legal.

“Um…uh…wait…” Is Roxas’ very intelligent response.

“Oh man, we’re actually heading over to my aunt’s!” I sigh. “I’m staying with her this summer, she lives not too far past the Sandlot. I just wanted to run back and grab my swimsuit before all five of us head to the beach.” I swear, I’m not a fantastic liar, but I’m a much quicker thinker than Roxas. Axel has severely rubbed off on me. I think of how we disagreed last night on the state of things with Roxas. It didn’t feel like a fight the way we used to have, and although I am perfectly content not throwing things at him…

I think I miss him even more right now. 

“Oh, um…okay!” Pence is smirking from ear to ear, and dammit all, if I have to hear that a rumor got spread about me and Roxas sneaking off to my aunt’s house to make out, I might stick my head in a blender. Or just take whatever punishment Saix wants to dish in order for me to never have to come back here. 

“See you guys later.” Olette giggles as they make their way past us. Once they are sufficiently out of earshot, Roxas breathes a sigh of relief.

“Thanks.” He says. I smirk a little.

“Really kid, you’ve got to get a lot more creative than ‘um, uh, wait’.” I insist, bumping my hip against his. He pouts a little, but seems a lot more like the Roxas I know and adore than he did before.

“I don’t like lying to my friends.” He insists. My heart shatters.

“I feel that.” I nod.

“We should go after that girl, where did she go?” He asks me, and of course he’s focused on Naminé. That is the kind of tunnel vision only Sora’s Nobody is capable of. Just like he was so focused on saving… On saving…

I don’t remember.

“The Old Mansion, if I had to guess.” I say, because that’s the only place I’ve ever run into her before. I wish I could call Survivor to me. Something about seeing her has me anxious, wondering if I will have to face a difficult attack. It’s not as though I couldn’t summon the Dusks to my side to finish anyone off for me. It’s not as though…

Damn, this isn’t good, the pull of the dark magic is quite strong and I have to roll my shoulders back to suppress the urge. Roxas nods at me as I think of how lovely a release it will be to sick the Twilight Thorn on him. How incredibly fucked.

Not that he won’t defeat it, I have no doubt about that. He’s strong and has saved my ass on more than one occasion, this Nobody will be nothing to him.

We get as far as the Tram Common before we even catch sight of Naminé. She’s on her way through the hole that leads to the woods, and it is right then and there, that I realize how bad it could be if Roxas confronts Naminé. What’s he gonna do, sit there and demand an answer to why weird things have been happening to him these past few days? And more importantly, what is he going to ask of me if we do make it to her, surely the witch will not be the only one he has questions for. Now, using my mind and not just relying on instinct, I realize that I am quite fucked…Unless… I snap my fingers, several Dusks appear in front of us and the sensation almost brings me to my knees. Oh, fuck yes. That’s the spot. Roxas takes this sudden stumbling as me being scared though, which is fine, the last thing I want is him suspecting me. 

“Let us go!” He snaps at the Nobodies. He grabs my hand and takes off, back toward the Sandlot. I’m faster than him, and I am the one controlling the Dusks, but I let him have this moment, mostly because I’m enjoying every second of the protective urge he is having. It feels, briefly, like I have my best friend back. We get to the Sandlot though and I instantly regret allowing Roxas this. Captain Crop Top and his three lackeys are hanging out, talking shit or whatever it is entitled teenagers do. Seifer’s eyes flick up, to where my hand meets Roxas’. I roll my eyes and pull my hand away, using that hand to flip him off. Seifer’s eyes narrow.

“Chicken Wuss, Loudmouth.” He greets us, which I suppose is better than Saix calling me a whore. At least Loudmouth is accurate. The Dusks chase after us, and I roll my eyes. 

‘…we are here to serve, mistress…”

‘…yes, must serve…’

‘…what does mistress need of us…’

Their voice ring in my head, but don’t appear to be audible to Roxas or anyone else, so that’s at least something. Musclehead’s eyes widen at the sight. The girl’s visible eye narrows.

“Who’s that?” She regards the Dusks. Not ‘what’s that’, which I find weird.

“I dunno, but they’ve already crossed the line! Find a weapon!” Seifer orders, and even Roxas follows his words. The idiot brigade takes defensive stances that once again, I pick apart in my head and Roxas grabs a bat. His eyes fly to me, and in that gaze is a request, imploring me to defend myself. A Dusk comes sailing at him and he quickly blocks it. I kick one and it doesn’t do any sort of substantial damage, but it gets Roxas’ eyes off of me for a second. He slashes to no avail and then looks to me, pleadingly. I offer a shrug, like I’m struggling just as hard. He turns to Seifer and his group, as do I, and I am shocked to see that they are frozen. Is this Naminé’s doing again?

“This isn’t good…” Roxas whispers.

“I’m inclined to agree.” I say, and part of me thinks it’s time to call the Dusks off. But then, suddenly, a voice rings through the air, high and clear, like a windchime.

“Roxas, use the Keyblade!” Naminé stands on a building, overlooking the Sandlot. Her eyes dart from Roxas to me. A Dusk comes flying at Roxas again and I don’t know what I’m thinking. I snap my fingers, he goes to block the attack with his hands and suddenly, he’s gone. My heart lurches, as though I am being yanked by a rope. I’m not sure if this is because Roxas is now somewhere else, or if it’s because I’m afraid or he is, but I know, without a doubt, this is the pull of the empathy link—like he is desperately clinging to my hand. I clutch my chest, trying to visualize him in my mind’s eye. Where the hell is he?

And yet, I realize quickly, he’s still here. Not physically, but he’s within Sora’s heart, exploring the territory, ridding it of darkness. This is where he will fight the Twilight Thorn. I see him, in my minds eye, standing on a platform, with a door in front of him.

“Be careful.” I warn. He seems to know I’m speaking but doesn’t recognize my voice for whatever reason. “Beyond that door lies a completely different world. But don’t be afraid. And don’t stop walking.” He nods. Don’t stop moving, my friend, don’t stop fighting. Time to send in the Twilight Thorn. 

I come to reality as the Nobody materializes in front of Roxas and I suck in a breath, desperately. I’m not sure how I was able to push the empathy link that aggressively where I could transport Roxas inside of Sora, but the power is baffling. My eyes dart around—Seifer and his gang are still frozen, but Naminé isn’t. She’s down from the building though and on her way to me.

“Naminé.” I greet her and her blue eyes light up. She no longer flinches when I say her name. Instead, there’s a soft confidence in her. The orange lighting hits her and she glows.

“Hello, Rueki.” Her brow knits together as though she isn’t quite sure what to make of me. “Did you just summon a Twilight Thorn?” 

“Yeah, Axel’s been teaching me how.” I say. 

“I didn’t realize…Oh.” Her eyes go wide. She holds a finger up as though she is searching for something far off. She chews at her lower lip. “I’m sorry. You still don’t know, do you? I thought for a minute, but…it doesn’t appear so.” She is scanning my memories, I realize. Browsing through them the way one might look for a part to reread in an old book.

“You know what would really fuck with Organization XIII? Telling me this secret thing I’m not supposed to know.” I inform her. She cracks a sad little half smile.

“Yes, I suppose so.” She agrees. “Still, Axel did allow me to escape, to make sure Sora didn’t get hurt any further. I feel like it might be unkind to go against his wishes and tell you.” 

“Wait, so this all goes back to ‘the secret to end all secrets’?” As I have not so affectionately dubbed it in my head. “I thought Axel said he didn’t know this secret until after we left Oblivion.” I groan. Naminé shrugs.

“He might not have believed it until after you left, but I did put the idea in his head. I was the first person to tell him.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

“We’re together, you know. It’s good. I know I told you in Oblivion that love kind of sucked. But it doesn’t. He and I are actually…” How do I say that he is the only beautiful thing in my life? The only thing I am certain I can count on. The most unpredictable person I know is the only one I trust with my life. Naminé seems to understand, probably from her brief probing of my memories. She nods.

“Yes, I see.” She says. “I am sorry, by the way. About the empathy link causing you nightmares. I didn’t mean for it to. I just…I knew that you would know what to do when you understood the truth.” She says, and she’s right, I can’t even fault her for this. Maybe this has been my role the entire time. Twilight knows I have never been the nurturer or the hero but perhaps I am the guardian. The watcher over Del and Amaya’s livelihood, over Axel’s plans and dreams, over Roxas’ safety and smile. Over Sora’s very being. I don’t want to do anything I have been tasked with, but at the end of it all, I have the conscience to know what is right. And no matter how deeply it wounds me, I will do it. Naminé had the right idea, I suppose, setting this onto my shoulders. I look at her and I only see a quiet innocence, the victim, the girl that the Organization held captive and forced to toy with Sora’s memories, but maybe Axel is right. Maybe, despite the cute little face, she’s scheming twice as hard as he is. And if so, whatever, that’s fine. I guess at this point, I’m just used to being used. So at least if it is for a good cause, that’s something.

“No, you were right.” I frown. “Whatever it takes, Sora is going to wake up in a few days.” Naminé tilts her head gently to the side.

“Yes. If our efforts go as planned, that is correct.” She says. “You’ve been remembering things, since the last time I saw you. About your past.” I don’t understand why this is especially relevant, but it appears that once again, we are on the same side, so I suppose, if she can give me some insight or expose more memories, I wouldn’t be opposed. After calling Axel, Lea, the memories have stopped flooding into my mind while I dream. Instead, the empathy link has asserted itself, the exchange of memories between Roxas and Sora taking precedence over any of my memories.

“A little.” I confess. “I remembered something about the man who raised me, just a little memory where the two of us talked about how my parents died.”

“And Axel too, you remember him from your past.” Naminé says and jeez, I hate that she can do it.

“Honestly, why do you even ask me questions when you can see straight into my mind anyway?” I sigh. She offers a little smile.

“I can’t read your mind, Rueki, just your memories. Whatever you’re thinking right now, I won’t know until it is filed away in your memory.” Right now, I am thinking that this is annoying as hell and that Roxas better hurry up and beat the damn Twilight Thorn, because I would very much like to get back to Axel as soon as humanly possible.

“Mmm, good to know.” I roll my eyes. “You’re the one who said it was dangerous for me to start remembering. That there was too much darkness in the sealed room of my memories.” 

“There is.” She replies, and then, with a downcast look, sighs, looking infinitely more like the Naminé I recall from Castle Oblivion. “But I’m afraid it’s past that point, Rueki. You’ve only dove further and further into the darkness. Now, there is no matter of if the sealed room will burst open, but when.” She explains.

“But why is it sealed in the first place?” I ask. She smiles sadly.

“The more I travel through your memories, the clearer it becomes. At first, I didn’t understand why either. But it seems as though this was your body’s natural defense to everything that happened when your home world fell.” She explains.

“Hollow Bastion.” Though I’m certain she already knows I know. Damn not so psychic powers.

“Yes. Your young mind was unable to process the sheer trauma of what you had been through. So your mind sealed off all of the darkness, all of the pain. You were given what so few are, a fresh start, an utterly clean slate.” And something else that she isn’t telling me, that no one will tell me. 

“Is that why I didn’t feel anything before I came here?” I ask. “Why Del thought I was so cold? Were my emotions hiding and when I met Axel, he broke the seal and tapped into everything my mind had been trying to forget?” It would only make sense, if I was convinced that I lost all of my friends and family, that my world disappeared in a flush of darkness, why would my innocent heart not be able to tell the difference between pain and pleasure? Why would my mind not choose to cut off supply to all emotions, in order to not risk a breakdown? Certainly, it would explain why I’ve been such a hot mess this entire year. Naminé offers me a bleak look.

“I’m afraid I don’t think that is the case.” She offers and I frown. Well fuck, apparently I’m a mess all on my own. Cool. 

“You seemed so worried when we met in the old mansion that the darkness in the sealed room was going to be the end of me.” I remind her. My stomach drops as her expression falls. For someone without a heart, she is miserable at hiding the things she is not supposed to feel. “I’m going to die.” I predict. She shakes her head.

“No.” She says. “At least, not from this. I can’t predict what will happen otherwise. I can’t see into the future.” She reminds me. Little fucking sarcastic bitch.

“But something terrible is going to happen to me.” I sigh. 

“I think…if you think about it like that, of course. Something terrible can always happen. All of our stories are meant to end, Rueki. No one is exempt from that.” She says, which doesn’t exactly make me feel better. “With Roxas, you understand that the truth isn’t setting him free, correct?” 

“Yeah, the truth is shit.” The truth, that he ran away from the Organization because…

Because…

I can’t remember. Huh. Weird. Something about wanting answers? A delightful numbness presses those memories away and I relax into it.

“The same holds true for you, Rueki.” She says.

“You know everyone’s been telling me that for a long ass time now. Doesn’t get any less annoying, no matter who says it.” I remind her.

“Except Axel.” She smirks a little. Is she teasing me? Really? I laugh a little.

“No, I hate it most when he does it.” I giggle. Suddenly, her eyes go wide.

“Roxas should not see you talk to me.” She chokes out. “He defeated the Twilight Thorn, he’ll be back soon.” I raise an eyebrow, thinking for a second, but realize that she is right. His strange new friend from Twilight Town should have no connection to this witch, begging him to use the Keyblade. 

“Right.” I agree. 

“Open a portal, go home, Rueki.” She pleads. I scrunch up my face.

“Dude, I can’t open a portal.” In the scatterbrained state she’s in, Naminé must’ve forgotten. Her eyes go dangerously wide as she looks at me.

“Yes. Of course, sorry.” She sputters. She must be hella anxious about meeting Roxas. Then, I realize, of course she is. They’ve never met before, she’s Kairi’s Nobody, he is Sora’s, there’s got to be a connection there of some sorts. She waves her hand and opens up a portal. I head through it only to be greeted by the rainy streets of The World That Never Was. Really? She couldn’t have put me inside the castle?

I’m utterly waterlogged by time I stomp into the castle, my too short shorts superglued to my ass. I’m trying to pull them out when Saix stops me.

“Status report.” He says.

“Go fuck yourself.” I say. We stand there in icy silence as I wring my hair dry. I roll my eyes because he doesn’t seem to take the hint. “Roxas doesn’t remember me. Still. He kicked the Twilight Thorn’s ass, so good job there. He’s strong, he’s not going to just go down thanks to some lesser Nobody, I’m not going to be able to just drag his unconscious ass from a fight and bring him back here.” I say. Saix narrows his eyes further at me.

“Are you certain that your efforts are not just so miniscule that you aren’t making a dent? Perhaps a bit of trying would make a world of a difference.” He snarks.

“Trying my ass.” I roll my eyes. “What do you expect me to do? I can’t suddenly perform miracles.” 

“I suppose I simply expected for you to behave as standard. You seem to think the appropriate response to solving your troubles is lying on your back, I only assumed you’d feel the same when it comes to saving your supposed best friend.” Saix taunts. I swear to fuck…

“You know, the whore jokes aren’t funny anymore. I know you don’t have a sense of humor for shit, I hear you can buy them from Moogles pretty cheap, though.” I sass him right back. “And by the way, the only person I’ve fucked in this castle is Axel, and sorry that you’re jealous. I didn’t think it would cause tension, what with you having Xemnas’ dick constantly jammed in your ass.”

He stares at me, eyes utterly void of emotion, with only the faintest hint of disgust on his features, as though my very presence makes him mildly sick. 

“Perhaps one day you might discover some manners.” He rolls his eyes.

“Not likely.” I say. He sighs and turns around, stomping off. 

“Your efforts to retrieve Roxas are utterly useless. A member will be joining you tomorrow. Any requests?” He asks, which I’m sure is a question from Xemnas, not him. 

“Demyx.” Not Axel, not Axel, not Axel. It’s already hellacious enough, me enduring having to look Roxas in the eye while he stares blankly at me. It shatters my heart further with every single word I say to him, and I’m the one who has already come to terms with the fact that no matter what, he must merge with Sora. Axel doesn’t deserve this pain.

“Ha.” Saix scoffs before he disappears from earshot.

I heave a sigh, making my way into mine and Axel’s room. He’s lying in bed, arms folded beneath his head, which he tilts at my arrival. I can tell he doesn’t expect me. His eyes go wide and he sits up. 

“You’re back.” He breathes. “How?” 

“Naminé opened up a portal for me. Right into the middle of the fucking city. In case you were wondering, it’s still raining out there.” I offer him a little half smile. He climbs out of bed and strides over, wrapping his arms so tightly around me that I swear, steam radiates off of me. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday night.” He sighs.

“Don’t.” I shake my head, my hands finding their way to his back. I pull him in even tighter, inhaling into his scent. 

“I don’t have a plan, Rueki. For the first time, I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do. And I don’t like what Xemnas wants to do, but I don’t like what you want to do either and…it just fucking sucks. I just want the good times back, the three of us, laughing at stupid stuff, watching the sunset like nothing else matters.” He sighs, weaving a hand through my wet, matted hair. 

“I don’t like any of this either.” I confess. “It’s absolute shit. Roxas has no idea who I am. He looks at me and it’s all blank. He smiles and laughs with other people and treats me like I’m just some random stranger. It doesn’t feel like I’m getting my friend back, it feels like I’m lost in my own life.” He’s silent for a minute as he kisses the top of my hair.

“Wanna shower?” He asks, and I nod against him. He scoops me up into his arms and I wrap my legs around his waist, savoring the feeling of being close to him. Him, the one thing in my life that isn’t falling apart. He sets me down on the ground as we arrive in the bathroom. I shut the door behind us and pull towels out of the cupboard while he starts up the shower. I hear the sound of his coat falling to the floor, just before I feel him behind me, his arms tight around my waist, his lips at my shoulder. “Are you gonna be okay, baby?” I dissolve into the heat that he radiates. His fingers move nimbly, dancing across my skin, to the zipper in the back of my shirt. I let him slide it down and don’t make an effort to catch my top as it hits the floor. 

“I’m okay right now.” I murmur as his hands leave my body. The sudden loss of warmth makes me shiver, and it doesn’t help that I start working my way out of my shorts and shoes. I hear the rustling of him undoing his deliciously tight pants, hear the telltale signs of him slipping off his gloves. By time I’m completely undressed, I turn around and see that he is as well. And damn, I drink in the sight of him like it’s the first time, every time. I reach out, my hands grazing the tight muscles of his chest. He shivers beneath my touch and I think that to him, I must feel icy cold. His eyes meet mine as he takes my face into his hands.

“Only okay?” He raises an eyebrow, a smirk playing at the edge of his features. My heart flutters, he’s always beautiful, but there’s something so attractive about watching his expression morph into something that isn’t exhaustion or misery. I roll my shoulders back as his mouth moves to my neck, latching onto the area right below my jaw line. The wet heat sends a jolt through my limbs, I sigh. This is infinitely better than dark magic.

“At the moment.” I grin, while he sucks the sensitive skin of my neck, teeth nipping and leaving marks in their wake. I know that’s going to be a pain to cover up tomorrow, but in this moment, I don’t care.

“You’re really going to make me work for this, aren’t you, sweetheart?” He asks, his teeth brushing my collar bone. The sound of me gasping fills the room and echoes. I feel him smirk.

“The water is running.” I struggle to form a coherent response as Axel’s hand comes up to tease one of my nipples. He snickers, his head popping up so that he can rest his forehead against mine. I am utterly overwhelmed by how intent his gaze is, as it meets mine. He pinches my nipple and I fail to hide my reaction. My toes curl, my lips part, my eyes are hazy with lust. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so proud.

“Is that really what you’re worried about?” He asks. His hand wanders to my other breast, I bite my lip.

“We’re gonna run out of hot water.” I whimper. He drags his fingernails down my abdomen, I watch him with baited breath. His hand dips, right between my legs, and for a moment, he palms my cunt, pressing the heel of his hand to my clit. But only for a moment and then he tears his hand away. My eyes flash, he grins. 

“Can’t run out of hot water.” He shrugs, offering me a wink as he disappears into the shower. Fucking asshole. I chase after him, nearly slipping as my damp skin meets the tile floor. I throw open the door to the shower and throw myself at Axel. He catches me, easily in his arms, lips meeting mine, hungrily. With one hand, he reaches past me and shuts the shower door, trapping us in the heat that is almost overwhelming. I take a breath and feel hazy, almost intoxicated. He leans forward, into me and pivots, pressing my back against the wall. I pull away from him, face mashed into the wall, but this certainly doesn’t deter him. Instead, he reaches down, his hand crawling up the inside of my thighs. I sigh, feeling his fingertips brush the lips of my pussy. The heat relaxes me, uncurls all of my muscles, soothes me as I melt into his hand. He teases me, swiping his index finger across my slit. Collecting my wetness on his fingertip, he slides, up, toward my clit. He works in circles, teasing everywhere except that deliciously sensitive nub. I tense, trying to find something to clutch in the shower, but am met only by smooth, porcelain walls.

“Axel.” I beg. He snickers, kissing my neck. I feel teeth and cry out, my hands finding purchase on his back. My nails dig in, and I swear, he sighs. 

“Fuck baby, claw me up, let me know I’m doing my job right.” He encourages. Damn him, how the hell is he this incredibly sexy? 

Water pounds behind us, but I have nearly forgotten it, as Axel’s fingertips brush my clit, ever so slightly, ever so tantalizingly. It’s a barely there sensation that shoots jolts up my body. I squirm, beneath him, arching my back, bucking my hips. His thumb swipes, pressing gently, strategically against my clit while he dips a finger inside of me. He wiggles it, in a ‘come hither’ gesture, as though he is pulling a trigger. Just as he requested, my nails bite into his back. The muscles in my belly twitch as I try to press myself impossibly closer to him. I need more. More everything. His free hand starts working down my back, fingers dancing nimbly down my spine. Suddenly, the most delightful sensation tickles my back, hot, vibrant, intense. Something laps at my skin that makes me choke on my breath.

“Good?” He asks, eyes finding mine. I nod, stiffly.

“Very.” I sputter. He grins like a wolf as his hand continues down my back, that same brilliant tingle only second to the feeling of another finger pushing into my cunt. I whine, lavishing the fullness as he pumps into me, furiously, desperately. My muscles tense, my release building inside of me. His fingers and that beautiful tingling sensation brush the skin at the curve of my waist, teasing up my abdomen, to my breasts. He draws away only so that he can get a better angle on playing with me. My eyes go wide as I see flames lap at my skin beneath me. And to my surprise, it doesn’t hurt at all. No, this is that exhilarating tickle. “Fuck.” I choke.

“Don’t be scared, sweetheart.” He urges.

“I’m not.” And I so am not. In fact, I’m fascinated, turned on beyond compare. I could watch him do this to my body all day and orgasm from the sensation alone. But I don’t have to. Instead, I jerk as his fingers fuck me at a speed that I can only describe as brutal. I think I’m going to fall apart. Everything is too much and just enough all at the same time, the most beautiful sensory overload I can imagine. I tremble as the feelings shake my core, and I come, screaming his name as I clench around his fingers. I’m coming down, drawing shaky breaths of too hot air. Somehow, this amps me up even further. My heart starts to hammer, these shallow breaths get me straight up high. I don’t know whether it’s the arousal, the experimentation with fireplay or the man standing in front of me, but I only feel infinitely more energized. “More.” I beg him, desperate, breathy. I swear, in his gaze, there are fireworks, lighting up, exploding, shocking me with an energy that only he is capable of. He could bring me to my knees. He grins, pulling his fingers from me and licking them clean. My stomach does a backflip. Fuck…

“Well aren’t you just greedy tonight?” He grins, but grabs my ass, pulling me closer. I wrap one leg around his waist, keeping my hands on his shoulders for balance. He seems to take the hint and clutches the tops of my legs. I wrap my other leg around him and he slams me back into the wall of the shower, his erection pressing against the entrance of my cunt. 

“Maybe you should stop being so hot then if you don’t want me to want to fuck you.” I murmur, my forehead pressed to his. I brush my lips across his, and he meets me in return by igniting a fire against his lips. I choke on my breath, just as quickly as the fire appeared it is gone, and again, there is no pain. Just a hot tickling sensation that makes me bite my lip. I grin.

“Now that, I can’t just stop doing.” He chuckles, grinding his hips to me, lining himself up…

“Then I guess you’ll just have to deal with—fuck! Axel!” He sinks inside of me and I choke on a breath. The fullness of his fingers has nothing on how pleasantly his cock stretches me. A low growl rumbles from the base of his throat as he sheathes himself fully inside of me. He lets out a puff of air that prickles my skin, as he pumps into me, relentless, needy. Everything in his movements is completely wild, he thrusts into me, shallow and hard, burning for that same sweet release he just brought me. I’m utterly amazed by his strength, as he grips me. My fingernails scrape his back, he kisses my neck, he slams into me, breathing my name like a mantra. He slams into me with such ferocity that my back slips against the wall. I brace myself to hit the floor, but instead, an aggressive yanking sensation pulls my stomach, and suddenly my back hits our bed. We’re drenched, dripping onto the sheets, but he hardly seems to care. Despite the teleportation, Axel doesn’t miss a beat. He hammers into me, I buck my hips forward, my legs still around his waist, taking him as deep as I can. I watch his eyes roll back, hear the sound of him drawing a shaky breath. He’s sputtering, on the verge of coming undone.

“Fuck, Rueki…dammit…” He chokes. Suddenly, he grabs my wrists, tearing my arms away from his back. He grips them tightly, slams them onto the bed, then lights a fire in his hands and rakes them down my arms. I scream, another orgasm ripping through me, so violently, that as I clench around him, I squirt.

He comes immediately after me, a delightfully wet burst. He’s spasming as his limbs give out and he nearly collapses on top of me. I laugh, breathlessly.

“Damn, dude.” I sigh. “Why have we not done that before?” 

“You know, sweetheart, in case you’ve missed it, I’m kind of a hot mess. Me easing you into the kinky stuff is my way of trying not to scare you off.” He snickers, lips finding the hollow of my neck. I giggle, running my fingers through his damp hair.

“Yeah, fat chance of you scaring me off. You could shove a hot poker up my ass and I still think it would be more pleasant than hanging out with Saix.” I say. He doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he snorts.

“Fortunately for you, this is about the extent of the fetishes I haven’t previously exposed you to.” He assures me. 

“Lucky me.” I say. “How did that not hurt?” I ask. He shrugs, still limp on top of me.

“It’s easy when you have total control over the fire. But basically I’ve got two or three seconds I can expose you to the flames before they start to burn you.” He offers. It seems a lot more complicated than that, but I suppose I’ve never been in complete control of an element.

“And you’re sure that’s not how I got that scar on my hip?” I raise an eyebrow. It would be an easy answer, if he just lost control over his element. 

“Positive. What do you think I am, some kind of amateur?” He leans up finally, on his elbows, hovering over me. “You see any burns on you now?” He asks, cocky as all hell. But he shifts off of me, to lay beside me and I realize he’s right. I’m clear. He takes my hand in his.

“We’ve sufficiently made a mess out of this comforter.” Not only is it wet with my recent orgasm, but with him dripping out of me, and both of us dripping after the shower, I highly doubt we’ll be able to sleep comfortably tonight. 

“It was so worth it though.” Axel chuckles. I grin, turning slightly so I can look at his face. His eyes flick up and he smiles at me, such a genuine, pure smile that it almost takes me back. “You okay, Rueks?” There’s something in his expression that says that everything we just did was a desperate attempt to take my hurt away. He loves me so much.

“Yeah. As long as you’re with me, I think I will be.” I nod. “Looks like you’ve just got to be mine forever.” I make a face, like the very thought is cringeworthy. He laughs and I savor the sound.

“Oh please, you were already stuck with me forever whether you wanted to be or not, princess.” He says.

“Mmm, lucky me then. Stuck with someone I love.”

“I love you too.” He says.

A moment passes, silently, besides a background noise very similar to rain on a rooftop but somehow closer? My eyes go wide.

“Dammit, we didn’t even fucking shower.” I say. Axel throws his head back, laughing hysterically. 

“Oh baby, I promise, we’ll get to it.” We don’t until after he bends me over the bed, but I suppose it’s the thought that counts.


	38. Chapter 38

XXXVIII.

I stand beside Pence and Olette, both of whom are looking at a platform in the middle of town, with wide eager eyes. There’s an excited whisper in the air as patrons express who they hope will win the Struggle Tournament, and bets are placed on the champion. Me? I’m leaning against the side of the building, wondering why people take such intense interest in watching kids beat the shit out of each other with foam bats. I swear, the more I see, the more I think nothing else will shock me—and I always get proved wrong.

Roxas and Hayner, along with Seifer and the witch thing—who I have learned is named Vivi—are the final four left. They stand, crowded around a man who explains to them what the semi final matches will entitle. I don’t know how it’ll be different than the last couple matches we’ve watched, but this entire tournament baffles me. Then again, I think about Saix’s big dumb face and how much I would love to smack him with a foam bat, and it all starts to make a little more sense.

“They’re gonna clean up this year.” Pence beams

“As opposed to last year?” I raise an eyebrow. Olette meets me with a sheepish smile.

“Well, Hayner hasn’t even made it past the preliminary matches.” She confesses. “And this is Roxas’ first year entering.” Of course it is, because Roxas isn’t from this fucking world, I think. But I keep my mouth shut because I’m not an asshole. 

“And you don’t take that as an opportunity to harass Hayner every chance you get? Man, you guys are sleeping on some really killer snarks.” Then again, maybe I am an asshole. Olette wrings her hands, as though she is uncomfortable with the very idea of harassing her friends. I am remind instantly of the girl from Sora’s island—Sophie?—the one who I taunted, saying that she probably had to put money into a swear jar every time she said ‘crap’. Though, at least Olette is not an insufferable brat. Just an intense mom friend. Probably what Amaya would’ve been to Del and I if she were a little braver.

“You know, I never thought of that.” Pence confesses, and honestly, I like Pence. I like the fact that’s he’s smart and quiet and that nothing seems to ruffle his feathers. I guess Roxas could do a lot worse than this for friends but…

My stomach twists. It feels as though there is an invisible fist wrapping around it. I chew my lip, my brow comes together as Roxas comes striding around the platform. Hayner takes his place on the other side. Roxas shoots the three of us a nervous look and nods, before taking a fighting stance.

“Roxas looks like someone shit in his cereal this morning.” I remark, knowing full well that my friend could kick Hayner’s ass, given the chance.

“I wonder if he’s upset about yesterday.” Olette ponders

“Why would he be upset about yesterday?” I ask, because I mean, it’s not like he knows I sent the Twilight Thorn after him.

“Um, well after the two of you…took off to your aunt’s…” Olette looks so incredibly uncomfortable, as though she’s trying to hold back a giggle. “Not that I’m judging or anything, really, I’m happy that Roxas has found somebody!” I blink at her like an idiot.

“The fuck are you talking about?” I remember instantly that I grabbed Roxas’ arm yesterday and Seifer caught us sprinting away from Nobodies, hand in hand. Oh hell, I swear, this small town is worse than The World That Never Was. What gossipy fuckers. “Nothing happened between Roxas and I.” I roll my eyes so hard, I think I might swallow them.

“Um…your neck…” Pence mutters. “And shoulders…” I raise an eyebrow as I look down at my shoulders and my eyes blaze. Fucking Axel. Sucked my skin too hard last night, not that I complained and not that I’m complaining now, but the timing is shit. No wonder Seifer was snickering when he caught sight of me with the others this morning. Whatever, might as well give these kids something to talk about.

“My boyfriend stopped over to my aunt’s last night.” I lie, trying to remember if that was the correct lie. I did tell them I was staying with my aunt the other day, didn’t I? I can’t keep this shit straight.

“See, I told you, I didn’t think her and Roxas were together.” Pence insists. Olette pouts.

“Hey, don’t fault me for wanting my friend to be happy.” Olette puts her hands on her hips. She’s damn cute when she wants to be. I cackle. 

“Sorry to disappoint.” 

“No, you didn’t.” Olette shakes her head. “I guess I just kind of thought he lost track of time when he was with you. We planned to go to the beach yesterday, but Roxas never showed up. We went looking for him, and you were gone, but he was with Seifer. I just assumed he was on the way back from your aunt’s and got caught dealing with Seifer’s nonsense.” 

Close, but no cigar. I want to tell her. Instead I say.

“Huh, that’s weird.” She goes on to chat my ear off, even while Roxas and Hayner beat each other with foam bats. Roxas kicks his friend’s ass, no surprise there, but I learn that oh no, there might be some underlying tension because what if Roxas thinks Hayner is mad at him? What if Hayner holds a grudge against Roxas? I don’t worry too much, because the too come back over to us, cackling and grinning from ear to ear. My stomach drops. Panic starts to settle in.

That should be me and Roxas, forgiving stupid things, behaving like idiots, smiling like life is grand. Instead, the last words he said to me in our world, were that no one would miss him. I have to physically resist the urge to reach out and touch him.

“So what kinda trouble did you two get into yesterday?” Hayner asks Roxas, though his eyes flick to me. His arm is around my friend’s shoulders as they approach the trio Olette, Pence and I have formed. 

“Omigod, not this again.” I mutter.

“What are you talking about?” Roxas asks. His eyes don’t seem quite as harsh on me as everyone else’s were. Instead, there is just…

Nothing.

“We just chased down a girl Rueki knows.” Roxas said. I pale.

“I don’t know her.” I say flatly. Roxas narrows his eyes.

“You knew exactly where she went, I saw how she looked at you, how can you say that?” He accuses. I shift, my anxiety tingling my hands in a way that is the opposite of pleasant. My stomach twists.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t remember a girl. I just remember going back to my aunt’s to grab my swimsuit and by time I got it, you were gone.” I hate my own lie, but this is for the best. If he asks too many questions, things will get too dangerous for him. He’s a resilient, defiant little fucker at heart, the only one who has run away from Organization XIII, I know that if I give him an inch of answers, he’ll demand a mile. And I can’t offer him that. Sora must endure, I remind myself.

“We chased her down to the Old Mansion, how can you say you don’t remember?” He balks and I flinch. Not because I am afraid of him, but because I’m just flat fucking afraid. Naminé needs to hurry the hell up in putting Sora’s memories together, because I can’t take this much longer. That look on Roxas’ face, the disbelief in his eyes. It’s going to kill me. If I have to keep looking at my best friend, who no longer recognizes me, I don’t think I will make it.

“I just don’t. Sorry.” I say, keeping my face very carefully neutral.

“I hate it when you keep things from me.” Roxas grumbles and my blood runs cold. I want to scream. I know he hates it because I’m his best friend and we’ve been through this once before already. I want to remind him of the promise I made, that every time I lied to him I would tell him a secret to make up for it. I want to remind him just how much he means to me and how much he will continue to mean, but there’s only annoyance in his gaze, I know my words will make no difference. My hands shake, but I offer Hayner, Pence and Olette a smile so obnoxious, so brilliant that I think it can cut glass. 

“I’m gonna go get some sea salt ice cream for us.” I offer. Pence raises an eyebrow, Olette’s eyes go wide.

“Oh, Rueki, you don’t need to do that.” Olette insists, shaking her head.

“No, I insist, my treat.” I say.

“Really?” Pence asks. “Thank you.” But Olette is too polite.

“We couldn’t ask you to do that, we don’t have any money to pay you back.” She says.

“Come on, Olette!” Hayner whines.

“You don’t need to, like I said, my treat.” And I don’t wait for any more protests. I just need to get away from Roxas’ gaze and the memories that come flooding back to me but won’t for him.

They never will for him. Tears prickle at the corner of my vision and I take off into a jog. I do mean to get ice cream, really I do, if for nothing else than for nostalgia’s sake. But the second I am safely out of eyesight, I start sobbing. My entire body convulses, shivering and spasming. I sink down, against the side of a building, but before I can hit the ground, a pair of warm hands wrap around the top of my arms.

No, not warm. Scalding hot. 

My eyes fly open and I suck in a shaky breath as Axel helps me back to my feet.

“Rueki, hey, come on, sweetheart.” He draws me to his chest, and for a second I wonder if this is a trick, an illusion created by DiZ as punishment for entering the data world. Then, I inhale and I realize there is no way this is fake. Nothing in the world can mimic his scent.

“What are you doing here?” I choke out, though I’m not ungrateful. In fact, the way he clutches me, too tight and just right all at once is the only thing keeping the tears down. I lean on my toes and wrap my arms around him, burying my face in the crook between his neck and shoulder.

“Xemnas sent me. Apparently you’re ‘not being met with success and the process must be sped up’.” Axel says, in a very poor impersonation of his boss. I snort.

“How many times do you think I have to say ‘Roxas doesn’t remember me’, before he believes me?” I sigh, into his shoulder.

“Oh, I’d say he’s got your words memorized. He just doesn’t care.” Axel rubs my back and kisses my temple. I am so thankful for him. He’s here and the panic subsides, he’s here and my entire world is centered. I’m unsure of how he does this, but I remember, once upon a time, he worried. Because Roxas was able to get me to take deep breaths and ease me out of my panic and Axel was afraid that he couldn’t. That he just didn’t have the heart to get on that level, emotionally. But here he is now, soothing me by his mere presence. I know, at this point he can do this in his sleep, but it doesn’t make it any less impressive. And it doesn’t make me any less grateful.

“I told Saix to send Demyx.” I say. “I didn’t want you to have to look at Roxas and have him not remember. It’s fucking shit, Axel. He just looked me right in the eye and told me he hates when I hide things from him. Do you remember when I had to promise him that every time I lied to him I would tell him a secret? And he didn’t even remember…he doesn’t..” I pinch my eyes shut, shoving the tears down, as aggressively as I can.

“Yeah I remember, but why did you…?” I know what he’s asking but I don’t know the answer. Instead, I feel a soothing numbness, almost like an anesthetic wash over my mind. I take a breath, but as soon as the relaxing effect starts, it wears off, leaving me feeling raw and exposed to the emotions coursing through me.

“I don’t fucking know, but he just…I can’t keep pretending to be his new half friend, half acquaintance.” I insist. “It’s fucking awful.”

“Yeah.” And I can tell he’s dreading this encounter with our friend. I want to be there for him, I want to shield him for the hurt. But right now, I am the weakest shield he could ever hold up. “I’m pretty sure that’s why we both got sent here. Xemnas seems to think that the more we say we care about Roxas, the more likely we will be able to bring him back.” He sighs.

“Has he really been without a heart so long that he doesn’t remember how giving a shit about people works?” I scoff. To my surprise, Axel shifts, uncomfortably around me.

“I don’t think you’re too far off on that one, Rueks.” He sighs, drawing away from me. His hands linger on the tops of my arms, and that warmth is enough to keep me stable, for now. I raise an eyebrow and look around, cautiously.

“Is he listening?” I ask. Axel shakes his head.

“No, he can’t get in here, we’re safe.” He promises.

“So, what am I not too far off on, then?” I ask. Axel heaves a sigh.

“I think he’s losing it, sweetheart. He’s not an idiot, he knows DiZ better than anyone, he knows that we’re not going to be able to stop Sora from waking up. I get it, wanting to get Roxas back, don’t get me wrong.” Axel shakes his head. “But it really is impossible. Much as I want it to be, I know we’re not getting Roxas back, I’m not an idiot.”

“I know you’re not…Do you think Xemnas is just being cocky? Like he think’s he’s already got a leg up on this DiZ guy, because he knows him so well?” I ask. Not that I disagree with him, Xemnas is nuts, but I want to be sure he’s as steadfast in this belief as I am. Axel shakes his head. Perhaps I’ve found the ally I wanted in the first place in my own internal coup. Perhaps Axel is almost fed up enough to take action.

“Nah, I wish it was that easy. Xemnas doesn’t seem to think he’s better than DiZ, it’s just. I dunno, he’s acting abrasive, rash. He usually just sits on things, lets them play out until he decides they’re worth his time, and until then, Saix can handle them. But everything with Roxas…it’s like he’s lost himself. Like he’s obsessed with the kid.” He says, and that’s when I realize, he’s right. The orders to chase Roxas down might very well be the first direct orders I’ve heard from him. 

“You know, it wouldn’t be the first time I thought he was losing it.” I nod. “I really do think he’s completely forgotten what it’s like to be human.” And I know that Axel hasn’t been without a heart for that much less than him, but I look into his emerald green eyes and only see humanity. Axel clung to the possibility of having a heart, even now, he clings to his identity. Xemnas, I do believe, has become the mad king, in his castle with only the company of his wild guard animal. Axel frowns at me.

“Fuck, Rueks, we’ve got to figure something out.” He sighs.

“I had a solution.” I remind him. “Run away.”

“Yeah, how well is that working for our friend?” He raises an eyebrow, though there’s no venom in his voice. My hands start to shake again. “Sorry.” He murmurs. I shake my head.

“Stop being sorry, you’re the only thing in my life that isn’t literal shit.” I remind him. The smile that he meets me with is so warming, I think I might catch fire. He leans in and presses his lips to mine.

“I love you, Rueki.” He says.

“I love you too.” I breathe. 

“Go home.” He encourages. “I’ve got it from here.” 

“Hayner, Pence and Olette are expecting ice cream.” I remind him. He raises an eyebrow.

“Who?” He asks. I roll my eyes.

“Roxas’ new besties. It’s tragic. We’re much cooler.” I inform him.

“Obviously.” He grins wickedly, and my worries are almost completely forgotten. For now. “But seriously, I’ve got it.” 

“This is supposed to be my job…” I protest, though he is the only one I would protest too, and only because I don’t want to have him hurt the way I do.

“And now it’s mine You’ve earned it princess. Go home, meet me in bed. We’ll do kinky shit.” He insists. I roll my eyes.

“Oh man, all that sweet talking is gonna give me a toothache.” I deadpan. He grins. 

“Honestly, babe, I know this isn’t gonna end well today. Let Xemnas put the blame on me today, okay?” He asks. I could protest, I could tell him that I’m trying to protect him, but where would that end us? Nowhere. We’re both too stubborn when it comes to one another. Maybe I should just do what he asks. Maybe he’s right.

Twilight knows it would be easier and right now, I need easy.

“Open up a portal.” I order. He smiles and breathes a sigh of relief, his shoulders rolling back when he realizes I am not going to make this any more difficult for him. He kisses my temple and I depart, thankful when I come into contact with our bed.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, I apologize in advance for the sheer length of this chapter. It was an accident, I swear.

XXXIX.

I am fast asleep before Axel even comes to bed that night, the exhaustion of this entire ordeal completely overcoming me. I feel weak, I feel pathetic, I feel like I should be able to handle this. No, I am not the strongest person in the world, things shake me, both physically and mentally, but something I have always prided myself on is my ability to bounce back. It doesn’t matter what happens, it doesn’t matter how deep a hole I dig myself. It doesn’t matter how many times I fall down, I always manage to get up. But the very thought of Roxas’ face, a face that doesn’t gaze at me with any familiarity, has me shook to my core. But I am completely spent. I don’t get a chance to think about how much I suck. I throw myself down onto the mattress and next thing I know, I wake up with Axel in a position I don’t like seeing him in.

Granted, my preferred method of waking up is with his rock hard cock, pressing against my ass and his lips at my neck, but anything would be preferable to this. He sits at the foot of the bed, head hung, elbow against one of his knees, while his other hand absentmindedly caresses my calf, which is hanging out beneath the blankets. 

“Is it early or late?” I ask him, shifting my weight slightly. His head darts up at my words and that’s not a good sign. I don’t think I’ve ever taken him by surprise before. He relaxes after a moment, his lips pursed. 

“Couldn’t tell you.” He shrugs. “Shower?” It’s a very lame attempt at a distraction.

“How about we just hang out instead? You know, I got mildly accused of fucking Roxas when his little friends saw us running around together one day and me covered in hickeys the next. So thanks for that.” I offer him a cheeky smile but his expression doesn’t budge. With that, I climb up and crawl across the bed. He doesn’t move, instead, he allows me to curl up behind him, my arms around his middle, cheek pressed against his back, legs on either side of him. “What’s eating you?” I ask. He’s quiet for a long moment, long enough for me to wonder if he heard me speak. He knew what he was getting into with Roxas not recognizing him. It’s not like I didn’t and not like I haven’t been a complete basket case, but still, it just doesn’t seem like the right reaction for him, over something like that. No, he’s stronger than that. There has to be more. I chew on my lip, rubbing the warm, taut muscles of his abdomen.

“I have to kill Roxas.” His words hit me like a stack of bricks. They crush my chest and I gasp for air, clinging to him even tighter, without necessarily meaning to. I need something to hold onto, someone to center me. But nothing seems to remedy this. This has happened before, being forced to kill a friend, I know it, somewhere, in the fog that has become my memories I know…I know! I can’t take this—

And just as quickly as the panic started, it stops, the anesthetic sensation that comes along with the fog immediately sets in. I wonder if it is the only thing keeping me stable at this point. I want to find Naminé and confront her. I want to ask her if this fog is her doing or something else altogether because at this point, I would staple myself to her side if it meant all of the pain in my life was numbed to this extent. My hands shake as they touch Axel, though, despite the numbness. He seems like a corpse beneath my touch and though I feel weak, I hope my touch will bring him comfort.

“No.” I say, flatly. “No, you’re not, they can’t fucking make you.”

“Oh, they can. It’s either I do my damndest to kill him or I get turned into a dusk. What a damn treat.” Axel spits venom, his entire body teetering between two extremes—tense and agitated or slumped in defeat. 

“No.” I shake my head, still pressed tight against his back. “We’ll figure something out, we’ll come up with a plan, we’re not going to—”

“There is no plan, Rueki.” He snaps, tearing away from me. My entire body hardens into something defensive, wound tight, ready to pounce if he fights me. Here I was, trying to help. “There is no running away, there’s no out thinking this. And there’s no we. This is my mission, I have to kill Roxas, that’s it, that’s all there is. I’m the one who has to take this, so stay home the next few days and stay out of this.” His words echo around us as he begins pacing the room, like a spike of nervous energy is coursing through him. 

“How the fuck do you think you can talk to me like that?” I ask, hand balling up against the sheet.

“Easy, sweetheart. I open my mouth, words come out. You want me to always tell you the truth, well here it is, ugly as ever.” He shakes his head.

“Not that you fucking prick. I’m your damn partner!” I snap, slamming a curled fist into the mattress. “You think you’re the only person this is going to hurt? Open your fucking eyes! You don’t think I give a shit about both of you, that I don’t love the two of you more than anyone else in this world? He’s my best friend and you….” Are my damn soulmate. “Are everything to me. So if you think I’m going to just sit by and watch you destroy yourself as you destroy our best friend, then the joke is on you. I’m not that useless and I’m sure as hell not that content to sit back and watch while our entire universe goes up in flames.”

“We don’t have a choice, Rueki. How much clearer do I spell it out for you?” He asks. He’s being a fucking prick, but I don’t let that deter me.

“You know, you’re a real fucking cunt when you’re in a tough situation, but the joke’s on you if you think that’ll push me away. I promise I can be infinitely nastier than you. So, stop fucking testing me, we both know I will pass and with flying colors. You can’t get the fuck rid of me, I love you. I’m not going to let you do something that’s going to take away everything you are. You don’t want me to find out this magical dark secret about my past, whatever, cool. If you really think that a few words will strip me of my entire identity and you love me too much to lose me, I can work with that, hell I have been working with it. But you can’t expect me to not return the favor. If you kill Roxas, you’re going to crumble, beyond what I’m able to hold up. I’m not losing you to some petty bullshit order from a man that is losing his mind. We will figure something out, Axel. We will get through this, okay? We schemed our way through fucking Castle Oblivion, we will scheme our way through this. You are the single craftiest person I know, and lucky for you, I’ve gotten hella good at improvising. So, go ahead, pretend you’re gonna kill Roxas. Fake it good, but we’re not killing him. Neither of us. Do you have that fucking memorized?” I ask, and I can literally feel my words reverberating off of him. He absorbs them, like osmosis and I hope the passion I conveyed invigorates him. I hope I light a fire beneath him that he so clearly and desperately needs. Instead, he stands there, taking it all in, hands limp at his sides. Finally, he shakes his head.

“You’re something else, Rueks, you know that?” He asks. I narrow my eyes.

“I’m the light of your fucking life. Choose your words carefully, Dancing Flames.” I warn, razor blades in my voice. But he has no fear, he closes the distance between the two of us and sinks down to his knees, setting his hands on top of my thighs. His eyes flick up to mine. 

“There’s no getting out of this, Rueki. There’s no faking it. I get turned into a Dusk if Roxas doesn’t die. Don’t you get it? The three of us don’t get another sunset. It’s you and me, or it’s just you. Roxas will get absorbed by Sora, and I’ll be a Dusk, slinking around in the darkness, waiting for you to use me as a pawn in battle.” He offers me the saddest, most broken smile I think anyone, anywhere could muster up. “I’m choosing us. No matter how hard it is.” I slap him. The feeling of my palm against his cheek stings, sending shockwaves from the impact up my arm. My eyes are slits as I look at him.

“You are not that fucking weak. The man I fell in love with is smarter than anyone else I know and infinitely more clever. The man I love doesn’t give up and give in when shit hits the fan, he doesn’t accept two shitty paths, he makes a third one, all his own. Don’t you dare take that man away from me.” I spit. He blinks at me and the finally sighs and looks down. Slowly, with great effort, he stands and draws his hands into his pockets.

“Well, guess this is all I have left in me. Sorry it’s not enough, princess.” He teleports away before I can even protest. Fucking dammit.

“Absolute asshole, I swear to nothing.” I shake my head, the anger I feel radiating off of me on a nuclear level. Guess that’s what I get for being shit at pep talks, but damn if can’t be an absolute child. I know him, I know he’ll come back with his tail between his legs, trying to figure things out with me, if he doesn’t do something rash, like the idiot he has a tendency to be. I run a hand back through my hair. Damn. Dammit all. Fuck. I stand up and kick the wall closest to the bed, hard enough for the tip of my boot to leave a dent. “These fucking boys are going to be the death of me.” I whisper. Whatever though. This is nothing I can’t come back from. No matter how hard the world knocks me down, I will climb the fuck back up and spit in its face 

It doesn’t matter that Roxas doesn’t have his memories and is fighting every step of the way. It doesn’t matter that Axel is resigned to kill him. I’m not resigned to any of that. I will put Roxas back inside Sora with my own bare hands if I have to. I will come up with a lie to convince Xemnas not to turn Axel into a Dusk. I will keep the two that I love most safe, no matter what the cost.

\--

“Where’d you go yesterday?” Hayner asks me, the second I pop into the Usual Spot. I raise an eyebrow and offer a cheeky grin that is a stark contrast to the absolute shit I feel like inside. Lie for longer, Rueki. No matter how it seems the world is falling apart, it will only be a short period of time until this all comes to a head. Until then, I’ve got to keep it together.

“Are you pissy cuz you didn’t get ice cream?” I raise an eyebrow.

“We got ice cream after the Struggle Tournament, we were just worried about you.” Olette confesses, tucking her dark hair behind her ear. The girl is certainly growing on me, that’s for sure. I guess mom friends like her and Amaya have a tendency to do that, because I’m thinking about how nice it would be to see my longtime friend.

“Yeah, you weren’t even there to see Roxas’ epic victory! He took down Setzer, no problem. He won the struggle trophy!” Pence beams. This doesn’t surprise me at all. I’ve seen Roxas take down hoards of Heartless, one grown ass man who takes weird joy in beating kids with foam bats doesn’t hold a candle to the monsters he’s encountered.

“Kick ass, kid.” I offer him a thumbs up. Roxas’ eyes flick up to me and then away, his expression unreadable but I think, beneath it all, I might see guilt. Over what, I wonder?

“Thanks.” He mumbles. 

“So where’d ya go?” Hayner asks. 

“I got a call from my aunt, she wanted me to come home, said it was urgent. She was having some issues with the electrical stuff in her place.” I lie quickly, mildly impressed by myself.

“And you know how to fix that?” Pence raises an eyebrow.

“Theoretically.” I laugh. Trade ‘electrical stuff’ for ‘repairing Gummi Ship’s’ and it’s not a complete lie. 

“Your poor aunt.” Olette giggles.

“Hey, I’ll go rewire the whole house if it means getting out of homework.” Hayner grins. Roxas rolls his eyes.

“No way could you rewire a house. You barely passed Algebra.” Roxas teases. 

“Hey!” Hayner whines in protest. Olette giggles.

“You know, speaking of school…” She begins.

“Not this again.” Hayner whines.

“Olette’s right, we really should’ve gotten started on homework at the start of vacation.” Pence concedes, but Hayner isn’t having any of it.

“Independent studies are the worst though? What am I supposed to write about? Like just give me a freaking topic here!” Hayner whines. I’m not sure what the fuck an independent study is, and I sure as hell have no desire to be here to help with homework, but now that I’m here, after yesterday, I can’t just disappear again. Besides, if I follow Roxas around long enough, maybe I’ll come up with some sort of idea that can return him to Sora and save Axel all in one.

“Last year, when we had an assigned topic, you got mad because you said they were, and, I quote ‘inhibiting creativity with this kind of bullshit’.” Pence reminds Hayner, an eyebrow raised. I snort.

“Kid, I’m gonna give you this piece of advice right now. Stop being you. Cuz you grow up to be me, and that is not something you wanna do.” I grin at Hayner, shaking my head.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He snaps, shoulders tensing defensively. Olette seems to take this as an appropriate time to step in, and she’s not wrong. I remember me at fifteen, I would have definitely tired to kick my nineteen year old self’s ass over a comment of that variety.

“We haven’t decided what we’re going to write about for Independent Study yet!” Olette chirps, clapping her hands together, effectively catching everyone’s attention.

“Maybe we could study the stuff that’s happening to me?” Roxas now pipes up, an eyebrow lifted, a very unsure light about his features. “You know, the dreams, the guys in white…” He begins. I literally choke. Roxas’ eyes go wide as he looks at me. I smack my chest with the side of my fist and when I finally catch my breath, I offer a muffled apology.

“You know, things have been weird with you and the town since the photos were stolen, right?” Hayner asks Roxas, who nods, nervously, and I can see that he is connecting the pieces. There’s one more that he needs to place for it all to make sense, though, I can see it as he looks into my eyes. I am the missing piece.

“Well tomorrow we’re all gonna search the town and find out what’s been going on.” Pence says. Crunch time. This is how I know Sora is incredibly close to waking up. If this DiZ character really is so intent on merging Roxas with Sora, there is no way he’s going to let something like this happen, in his very own data world. This town, Roxas might be the star of it, but he is not the creator, he will never have the kind of pull DiZ does. This town will reject him, just as it has rejected me. This is the endgame. 

“Lots of people are helping out.” Olette smiles. Yeah fucking right. I look to Roxas whose entire being has lit up. Maybe this lie is for the best. Maybe, Roxas won’t fight so hard, maybe, Roxas won’t push every single button in this data town, in desperate need of answers if he believes he will wake up to them tomorrow. Maybe this means Roxas will not wake up at all tomorrow. My stomach drops. This is too much.

“All that for me?” He asks, and shakes his head in disbelief.

“Sounds like that calls for a celebration.” I offer.

“I’ll go get some ice cream.” Roxas says, and then his eyes dart to me. There is a long, tense moment, where I think he remembers me. Where I think he might say something about racing me to the clock tower, that we should enjoy one last sunset together. But instead, he just says “Rueki, will you help me carry all of it?” I guess it’s the best invitation I’m going to get.

“Sure thing, kid.” And I follow him out of the Usual Spot, toward Market Street. We walk slowly, silently, me trying to figure out a way to fake Roxas’ death, while still waking Sora up, in order to fool Organization XIII, him battling with some sort of unseen demons. Finally, just before we approach the shops, Roxas speaks.

“Who’s Kairi?” I stop dead in my tracks. Dammit.

“Who?” I play dumb.

“You’re a really bad liar, Rueki. I know you know who she is, and I know you saw Naminé the other day.” He insists. 

“Kid, can we not?” I sigh. One day, Rueki, lie for one more day and you’re free.

“You knew that guy I ran into the other day too, didn’t you?” He asks.

“I literally have no idea what you’re talking about.” There are a lot of guys he could meet, but although Axel and I have exchanged few words, I’m certain he didn’t come to Twilight Town to just observe Roxas.

“And the guys in white.” He says.

“Can’t you just trust me?” I ask. Fuck I sound like Axel.

“All of this stuff started happening when you got here.” He reminds me. I bark out a laugh, I just can’t help it. Really? This world didn’t exist until the day before I got here. This mess of data that he thinks is his home. 

“Yeah, really? Tell me more, kiddo.” I cackle, going a little closer to the ice cream shop. Roxas catches my hand in his. I bite back a smirk. “Better not do that, everyone in town thinks we’re fucking.” Roxas’ eyes widen and he goes red from head to toe. Tearing his hand away, his eyes suddenly flick down to the pavement.

“I just wish you’d be straight with me.” Roxas sighs. “Rueki, I’ve had dreams about you. And a girl named Amaya and a boy named Del, you were repairing a ship and—” I grab Roxas’ arms in a desperate attempt to shock him into silence, my heart climbing into my throat.

“Stop.” I snap.

“It was real then?” He asks. “You fought alongside someone else that used a Keyblade?” 

“Roxas, please.” I breathe, tearing my gaze away.

“Why can’t you just answer one question?” He asks. 

“Because this is breaking my heart.” I retort. Silence settles over us. A gentle, summer breeze licks at our skin. I watch his golden hair move in the wind.

“I don’t feel like I know what’s going on at all anymore.” Roxas confesses. “I used to think that I understood myself and my home. But then you get here, and everything started falling apart. Now, I just don’t know anything anymore. I just want to figure it out, Rueki. I thought we were friends.” 

I break.

“We were best friends.” I curse under my breath and shake my head. I try to catch a glimpse of the empathy link, to see if this is hurting Sora’s progress, but I feel nothing, I see nothing. I am being led blindly. 

“What?” He raises an eyebrow. “We only met a few days ago, what do you mean we—” I walk right away from him and go buy four bars of ice cream.

“My treat.” I say, when Roxas inevitably follows me. I offer him a brief smile before leaving him in the dust, heading toward the Old Mansion, leaving the ice cream to him. I don’t know if Naminé is there, but if she is, I need answers, I need something. I walk through the gates. Roxas doesn’t follow me, an honest to goodness blessing. The witch seems to be waiting for me, because I see her sitting on the staircase the second I open the door to the mansion. “I think I fucked up.” I tell her. She offers me a weak smile.

“I knew you’d come here.” She says. 

“That doesn’t surprise me at all.” I tell her. I walk over and take a seat beside her on the staircase. She scoots over, ever so slightly to make room for me. Which is a sweet gesture. “I told Roxas that we were best friends. I fucked up, didn’t I?” 

“It isn’t ideal.” She agrees. “But Sora’s progress cannot be stopped now. The amount of progress I’ve made in the past few days has sealed the deal, so to speak. He’s safe. All he has to do is make it through the next two days alive. And then, he can merge with Sora, they can become whole.” There’s a bittersweet note in her voice.

“I’m going to miss him so much.” I whisper.

“Yes.” She nods. “I wish I would’ve met him sooner.” 

“He’s my best friend.” I say. “I don’t know what my life is supposed to be like without him.”

“You’re worried about Axel too.” She says, for a moment, I forgot that she’s borderline omniscient. I chomp my lower lip.

“He’s fucked either way. He kills Roxas, and the Axel I know is gone forever. It will destroy him, heart or not. He doesn’t, and he gets turned into a Dusk. There’s got to be something, because if not, I’m going to lose them both and I can’t…” The absolute agony that overwhelms me turns my insides to lead. It feels as though someone is pulling my organs out through my belly button. I double over, resting my elbows on my knees. I hide my face in my hands as my throat tightens, choking down a sob. “I’m sorry. Fuck. I’m sorry.” I shake my head.

“No, I’m sorry. If it weren’t for my actions in Castle Oblivion, you wouldn’t be here right now.” She says. This time, I don’t argue with her. She is worlds less important to me than these two guys that I love with all of my heart. And maybe Axel’s right, maybe if she hadn’t made the choice to manipulate Sora’s memories, they’d both be safe. In this moment, I hate her at least a little bit. I dig my fingernails into the flesh of my palms, trying to slap myself back into reality. This isn’t fair. This isn’t on her. These are my feelings. 

“I can’t lose them. I can’t lose him.” But I don’t mean Roxas, the one she wants to keep safe. I would kill Roxas myself if it meant I could freeze Axel as he is, sardonic, brilliant, perfect. I would suffer a thousand lifetimes, a thousand deaths if it meant he would come out unscathed. Maybe that’s idiotic or maybe that’s love. I still think I’m too young, too naïve to know. But how desperately, do I wish we lived lives where we didn’t have to keep trying to sacrifice ourselves for one another?

“The worlds need Sora.” Naminé reminds me.

“The world has needed him this past year.” I say, in a voice like ice. “And I need Axel. That matters more to me than anything else.”

“Rueki, you understand, don’t you? You can’t…Roxas has to make it.” She insists.

“I do understand. Point is, I don’t give a shit. I’m going to do whatever it takes to keep Axel alive.” I sit up, pushing myself off of the stairs. This is where our civility ends. It doesn’t bother me nearly as much as I want it to.

“It isn’t too late for you two to run, Rueki.” She reaches out, her delicate, so soft fingertips brushing mine. “You two have talked about it once before. Maybe this time, you two can find your happy ending.”

“You don’t believe that.” I say. She doesn’t disagree with me. 

I leave her and the mansion behind in my dust. I don’t know how long or far I wander, through underground tunnels, trying to find something that makes sense, trying to come up with any solution that doesn’t involve me killing Roxas in Axel’s stead. But nothing comes to mind. No beautiful pieces line up, out of nothing. 

No one is saved.

I wander out and mellow orange light breaks through my darkness. Warm, soft, inviting. 

I am not fool enough to believe Roxas is intentionally waiting for me at the end of this tunnel. I guess I still believe in coincidences. Otherwise, this is a really cruel slap in the face from fate.

“You’ve been crying.” He says, his brow knitting together, his hands in his pockets as he regards me. 

“Correction. I’ve been trying not to cry.” I reply, a snooty deadpan that ends in me tossing my hair over my shoulder. 

“Is that my fault?” He asks.

“Doesn’t matter.” I say.

“You said that we were best friends.” Roxas reminds me, as though I need it.

“I made a mistake. Sorry.” I mutter. 

“Would you please talk to me?” He asks. But before I can even open my mouth, Pence strides up, hands clutching his camera.

“Oh, hey, Rueki!” Pence nods. “Sorry if you’re here to help us look for the Seven Wonders, turns out all of the ones we’ve investigated have been total duds.” I raise an eyebrow, looking to Roxas. He shakes his head, clearly, this is utterly unimportant.

“Just homework stuff.” Roxas explains.

“Ahh.” Is my response, which of course contributes so much to the conversation.

“Hey, is your aunt’s electrical stuff fixed?” Pence raises an eyebrow. “Roxas said you had to ditch us to go help her.” At least Roxas has my back, that’s nice. Even if I might need to stab him in his.

“Yeah.” I wave my hand. “The homework done then?” 

“Mostly. We’re investigating the Seven Wonders of Twilight Town.” Pence says, with a little bit of mysterious flare in his voice. It seems cheap and hokey, all things considered. I’m hardly in the mood. “Seven mysterious occurrences. We’ve checked out five, but all of them have turned out to be flops.”

“That’s rough, guys.” I nod, in a weak effort to pretend I give a fuck. I look at Roxas in front of me. I look at how our lives are falling apart. I think of how he will need to be murdered tomorrow, either at my hand, or at my lover’s. He looks at me with a thousand questions burning in his eyes, all of which I would tell him the answer to if it could rewind time to happier moments. Roxas, my best friend. And not just him, but Sora too, will be lost. They are the price I will need to pay to keep Axel sane. I guess I get it, where he was coming from. I guess choosing each other over everything else is kind of our motif.

“Hey, we’re gonna go up to Sunset Hill to see if we can spot the ghost train. You should come with us, it could be cool.” Pence offers. I should say no. I should go back home, or I should do one worse, lure Roxas away with the promise of answers to all of his burning questions, and wrap my hands around his throat the second he lets his guard down. But I look at that boy, and I think of sunsets, and my answer leaves my mouth before I have any more time to second guess myself.

“Yeah, I’d love to go.” I nod. Pence leads the way and Roxas lags behind, his eyes hard as he looks at me. “After this, we can talk.” I offer. He raises an eyebrow.

“Really?” He asks. 

“Yeah.” I give up. “You’re not going to believe it, but we can talk.” What is it really going to hurt now? Maybe it’ll make things easier for me. Maybe it will be cathartic to mend him before I destroy him.

We get to the hill, where Hayner and Olette are already waiting, and were I in a better mood, I might think to tease them about running off together, for all the hell I’ve gotten with Roxas these past few days. I guess when you’re young like this though, it’s hard to know the difference between platonic and romantic love. 

“If the rumors are true, it’ll be here any minute.” Pence tells us. “For they say, the train is empty. No driver, no conductor, no passengers. No Return.” It’s so hokey, I could gag. Roxas wants to know about the weird and mysterious things happening to him, well fine, but this is a shit place to start. This isn’t some children’s ghost story.

It seems we wait an eternity before we all sprawl out across the ground, lying, sitting, trying to get comfortable as we wait for something that probably won’t show up in the first place.

“We’ve got to make it to the beach next year.” Olette says, her green eyes flickering out to the setting sun. 

“Yeah.” Hayner nods. “We better get jobs the second vacation starts.”

“What about you, Rueki. Will you be coming back next summer?” Pence asks. I shrug, forgetting for a second that I told them I was here visiting my aunt. Perhaps the only good thing about this all being done is I won’t have to keep track of any more lies.

“What are you thinking about?” Roxas asks me. But now is not the time nor the place to answer that question, so I shrug, refusing to meet his gaze.

“Just that sitting here reminds me of my home. I used to watch the sunset, one that looked just as beautiful as this one, with two people I loved very much.” I chew my lip, and in that moment, all I want is for him to remember me. For Roxas, the Roxas I knew, to take my hand and tell me that the friends we love shouldn’t ever make us weak. It won’t help my resolve, I know, but I need it, that beautiful closeness with my friend. The magic that used to exist when it felt like it was him, me and Axel, ready to take on everything.

“That sounds sweet.” Olette smiles.

“What happened?” Pence asks, then flushes. “I mean, not that you need to tell us if you don’t want to. I mean we only met you a few days ago, but it already feels like we’ve known you forever.”

“It does, it’s nice having you here with us, Rueki. I couldn’t imagine it any other way.” Olette nods. 

“Oh come on, aren’t you laughing it on a little thick?” Hayner laughs. I kick his leg. “Ouch! You know, you’re an asshole.”

“Takes one to know one.” But I grin at him. Roxas’ eyes pierce me. 

“So, what happened?” Roxas presses, his eyes hungry for the truth. Somehow, some way, I think he knows this story is about him.

“One of the guys is my boyfriend, he’s waiting for me back home.” I say.

“Your boyfriend?” Hayner raises an eyebrow. “I thought you and Roxas were—ouch!” Olette swats him, and damn, I’m definitely gonna miss her.

“It’s cool that he came to visit you the other day.” Olette says, pointedly, eyes narrowed as she looks at Hayner. “You must miss him, being away all summer.” And she’s right, especially now, I miss him desperately. I guess I don’t need to be beside Roxas, I don’t need to be making memories with these data files of people, I need to have my arms around Axel and promise him the world. I want so badly for things to be easy. I fantasize of the day we spent on Destiny Islands, laughing at dumb jokes, pretending to drown each other, baking in the sun.

“I really do. Not that I’d ever tell him that. He’s already got a huge ego on him.” I bite the inside of my cheek to hold back a grin.

“What’s he like?” Pence asks. 

“The sappy answer is that he’s the smartest, funniest, most amazing person I’ve ever met. If he were here though, I’d say he’s a real asshole.” I laugh. “Literally like the most annoying person I know.”

“That’s um…” Pence looks to Olette, who just shrugs.

“Oh come on, he couldn’t be half as annoying as you.” Hayner says, and I kick him again. “You’re the worst.”

“That, I won’t fight you on.” I laugh.

“What about the other person?” Roxas asks. My stomach drops. Fucking kid. Fine, he wants to hear this story? He can hear it.

“He ran away from home. He was my best friend in the entire world, mine and my boyfriend’s. We used to get ice cream and watch the sunset together every night.” And those were the happiest days of my life. I look to Roxas’ eyes for any sign of remembrance, but am unsurprised when I am not met with any familiarity. 

And like flipping a switch, the sentiment ends and the bullshit begins.

“Good afternoon, slackers.” Seifer strides up, and I swear, I feel my muscles coil, dangerously, like a leopard ready to spring. This kid is going to hit my nerves like a cheese grater.

“Fuck off, crop top.” I say flatly to him. Hayner cackles.

“What are you doing out here?” Seifer rolls his eyes at me.

“What do you care?” Hayner asks.

“I don’t. Tell me anyway.” Seifer insists, walking a little closer. 

“Your candor would be a lot more charming if you weren’t so annoying.” I tell him, batting my eyes. He raises an eyebrow. 

“We’re waiting for the ghost train.” Pence says.

“Waiting for the ghost train.” Seifer scoffs. Roxas stands up, shoulders squared in annoyance. I can’t help but think he got the attitude from me, but I am so proud of what this kid has become. Whether it is Seifer or Saix, he has no issue standing up for himself. At least I can say he became something amazing before I have to…

“Why does looking at you always tick me off?” Seifer asks him.

“I dunno, maybe it’s destiny.” Roxas offers.

“Destiny. In that case, let’s be friends. I don’t feel like cooperating with destiny.” Seifer scoffs.

“When have you ever cooperated with anything?” Hayner asks him. Hell, maybe I should give Seifer the benefit of the doubt. Because like hey, me too. But just when I think I should be nicer to the kid, he makes a wannabee tough guy gesture, bumping his fist to his chest before he goes to head out.

“Seifer…” Olette looks up.

“I know, tomorrow.” Seifer waves his hand and disappears. Instantly, Roxas jumps, toward the guard rail at the edge of the hill, something having caught his eye. I raise an eyebrow.

“Look!” He says. We do, each of us scrambling up to meet Roxas at the guard rail. I see a blue and gold train, and clearly so does he, and, true to the legend, there is nothing and no one in it. I’ll be damned. “It’s really true. And there’s no one aboard! What’s the catch, there’s gotta be a catch, right?” And I can see the catch in their eyes. Hayner, Pence and Olette look at each other, apprehension in their eyes. Roxas and I might see the train, but these three can’t. Which makes me wonder, have they seen any of the anomalies in town? “Then, it’s real? Let’s go to the station!” Roxas takes off in a full blown sprint, I can sense his friends’ worry. Not that he’s losing his mind, no. There is a deep love there between the four of them, they aren’t worried he is crazy, that doesn’t matter. They are worried that this will make it difficult for them to connect. They might just be too good for this world. 

We take off after Roxas, just in the nick of time. The blue train is parked at the station, the train that doesn’t exist. Roxas looks at it with wide eyes, the way he did at the poppies in Oz. 

“Let’s go in.” He says, taking a step forward. I’m glad Hayner is on his game, because since I can see the blue train, I don’t see the regular train coming. Hayner, however, does, and wraps his hand around Roxas’ arm. “What?” Roxas asks.

“Um…you’ll get hurt.” Hayner says.

“Huh?” Roxas asks. A voice at the station announces ‘the train will be arriving shortly’. I watch the blue train dissolve in the air. The brown train that goes any and everywhere in Twilight Town pulls into the station, right where Roxas would’ve stood a minute ago. He blinks as the train whips past, blowing his hair in the wind. A few passengers get off.

“C’mon.” Hayner sighs, boarding the train.

“A train came from the beach. There was no driver, right?” Roxas asks, his eyes wide and pleading. These data friends might not look down on him for losing his mind, but he certainly fears they will.

“Let’s go.” Pence sighs, following Hayner.

“Right?” Roxas asks. Olette shakes her head and follows him. Roxas’ eyes dart to me.

“Yeah.” I whisper. “I saw it too.” I offer him my outstretched hand. “C’mon, I’ll walk you home. We can talk about things.” He doesn’t take my hand and maybe that is for the best.

The train ride seems to take an eternity. We sit, in stony silence, Hayner agitated at nothing in particular, which I certainly understand. Olette wrings her hands, which I also understand. Pence just seems at a loss, and fuck, I get it. Roxas stares at me, his gaze trying so hard to penetrate. I stare back, trying to come to terms with what my future holds. We disembark from the train, and our footsteps echo, hollowly inside of the station.

“Let’s go home and work on the paper.” Hanyer grumbles, shoulders tense, fists clenched.

“The rumors were bogus. The end.” Pence rolls his eyes in defeat.

“We can still make it sound good if we write about all the work we did.” Olette tries.

“But what about the last one? The seventh wonder?” Roxas presses, and dammit if this kid’s curiosity isn’t dangerous. No wonder his idiot ass ended up in all of this trouble.

“Who cares?” Hayner throws his hands up.

“I do! Come on, Pence…Rueki…” Roxas looks between me and the dark haired boy. Pence is infinitely more anxious. I shrug. Olette and Hayner exchange glances before heading off down the street. 

“It’s at the haunted mansion.” Pence sighs. “We were gonna check it out tomorrow. It is the most suspicious place. Even Seifer’s gang was gonna help. Hayner asked him to.” 

“What are we looking for?” Roxas asks.

“There’s a girl, supposedly. She appears on the second floor window, even though no one has lived there for years.” Pence says, and I’m certain I know who this mystery girl is going to be. Pence looks from me, to Roxas, to me and then Roxas again. “You guys go ahead and go. I’m gonna go help Hayner and Olette write the paper.” He sighs, exhausted at Roxas’ determination, like this is the single most difficult thing that anyone, anywhere has ever handled. And here I was, coming to terms with my own naivete. He walks off, leaving Roxas and I alone at the train station.

“Are you going to come with me or are you gonna disappear again?” Roxas asks me. My eyes dart away from his, to gaze at the sun. Vibrantly orange and setting. No, not orange. Red. Red light travels the fastest. I want to reach out and grasp it, hold onto that moment, hold onto my friend, right here and now.

“Don’t give me an attitude, kid, it isn’t cute.” I tell him, but I start leading the way to the mansion.

“What do you know about what’s been happening, Rueki?” He pries.

“I know that you’re not losing your mind. The girl, Naminé, she’s a real pain in my ass. We were friends. Some people I know took her hostage, and I tried to convince her to grow a set and get away from them. You’re having dreams about the Keyblade, aren’t you?” I ask. Roxas’ eyes widen.

“How did you--?”

“That’s a whole different story, the point is, those aren’t your memories. I’m sure you’ve figured that out. They belong to someone named Sora, another friend of mine, a hero. Naminé messed with his memories while she was held captive and now, they’re all out of whack. She’s putting them back together again, they’re almost done, but those people I know, that had Naminé hostage? They don’t want Sora to wake up. And they’re pissed at you.” I explain.

“But why? What did I do?” He asks. I sigh.

“Weren’t you listening to my story earlier? You ran away.” I say flatly. Everything seems to sink in, a weight collapsing onto Roxas’ shoulder.

“That doesn’t make sense, I’ve never run away, I’ve lived here my whole life.” He says.

“No you haven’t.” I counter. “Other than the past five days, what memories do you have?” 

“Tons of them!” He insists, with an expression of anger that is so very Sora, I laugh, in spite of everything. “I remember Seifer acting like a jerk, I remember hanging out with my friends.”

“But what about specifics? Do you remember the words you said, do you remember faces they made?” I ask. He blinks at me, brow creasing.

“Well, no, but—”

“I told you, none of this is going to make sense and you’re not going to believe me anyway. So just…I don’t know what you expect from this.” I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, listening to the sound of our footfalls against the brick road.

“You said we were best friends.” He tells me. I nod

“This past year, I started having really nasty nightmares, really bad anxiety. I did some terrible shit, and it really messed me up. I thought I was doing the right thing but…Anyhow. You were there for me, even though it wasn’t easy. You didn’t know how to help me, but you tried. You stayed the night, talking to me so I didn’t have to sleep. You tried to fight someone nearly a decade older than you, to defend me. We ate ice cream together, made plans to go to the beach. I couldn’t imagine my life without you, and then, you ran away and now…” I choke on tears that want to spring up, shaking my head, trying to shake the feelings off in turn.

“I don’t remember any of that though. If it were real, if that was me, don’t you think I’d remember?” He asks me. I shrug.

“I don’t know how your memories got altered, but Roxas, why would I be saying any of this if it weren’t true?” I ask. He seems to mull over my words, distraught and disoriented, for a moment.

“A lot of strange things have happened this week.” He says.

“You once told me and Axel that you wouldn’t know what to do with a whole month off. That a week was all you could handle. Guess you couldn’t even do that.” I offer an awkward smile. His eyes widen.

“Axel.” He says the name as though it is a strange word in a foreign tongue, as though it doesn’t belong in his mouth. But I want to bask in the glow, wrap myself in the warmth that just saying that name brings me. “He’s your boyfriend.”

“He’s my everything.” I correct. “But you don’t remember that, you’re just guessing.”

“How do you know?” He asks. I shrug.

“Well, for one, you’re my best friend. I know that look. And for another thing, I can kind of read your mind.” I say. If his eyes could get even wider, they do.

“What?” He chokes.

“It’s called an empathy link. Naminé connected my mind to Sora’s, I can feel him, his memories, his emotions.” I explain.

“What does that have to do with me?” He asks.

“Haven’t you figured it out already, kid? I know you, you’re not that dumb.” I smile, pathetically at him and disappear through the hole that leads to the woods. 

“Just spell it out for me, Rueki.” He says.

“I don’t know that I can.” How does one look their best friend in the eye and tell him he wasn’t ever meant to exist? Certainly, that is beyond what I am capable of. His death is beyond what I am capable of, my hands shake. This would be the perfect place to do it. In the cover of the darkness, where none of the data people are likely to appear. I can summon Dusks, weaken him, get one of the Dusks to grab Survivor from the Castle That Never Was. I think about Zexion and how it almost killed me, but in the end, I tired him out. In the end, even he faded into the darkness. I am not the strongest person, certainly not stronger than Roxas, but he’d only be fighting for his life, the same thing Zexion fought for. Me? How do I always end up back here, fighting for something so much more precious to me? 

Axel.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Roxas asks. I bring my fingers together to snap them as we walk a little further into the woods. But suddenly, a breeze ruffles my hair and memories capture me.

“You’re my prince charming, you’re going to fly me away to other worlds, of course!” A young girl says to a boy that looks impossibly like Roxas, but isn’t. Somehow, I know he isn’t Roxas, because this girl is me. Me, a decade ago, with two boys, unmistakably, a younger Axel and Saix, standing beside her.

“And why would anyone want to be your prince charming?” Young Axel…no, Lea, asks. 

“Come on, Lea.” Young Saix heaves a sigh. The Roxas look alike smiles at the little girl. At me.

“I don’t think you need a prince charming. I think you’ll always find a way to save the day by yourself.” He smiles. 

Reality hits me, and I swear, the weight of it could crush me. It feels as though the world has been shaken. I look around, and see nothing out of the ordinary. There’s Roxas. There’s the trees. There’s the mansion in the distance, and I realize, in this moment, that I cannot do this. I am too weak.

I have failed.

I am so sorry, Axel.

My hands tremble as we get to the mansion, and of course, Naminé does stand in the window, peering out at us.

“You see her, don’t you?” I ask. Roxas nods.

“Yeah.” He says. 

“You should go talk to her. She’s probably better at explaining this kind of stuff than I am. She knows more than me.” I try.

“Really?” He asks. I shrug.

“Kid, I know you think I’m all knowing, but really, I’m just a dumb girl who keeps getting into dumb situations. I’m trapped in the garbage storm, waiting for it all to stop.” I sigh. He stares at me, eyes stony and unsure as he regards me.

“I really wish I could remember, Rueki. If it was all so great, us being friends, I wish I remembered.” He says.

“Yeah, but…it’s better that you don’t. At the end of the day, you deserved better. I’m just…I’m sorry kid, I wish I could’ve saved you.” My voice wavers with effort. He reaches out, tentatively wrapping his arms around me, and I crumble. I throw my arms around him, no hesitation as I hug him twice as tight.

We stand there, wrapped in an embrace that stings, like alcohol on an open wound, but I don’t care. I fight through the agony, I cry, silently, trying so hard not to let him know what kind of a mess I am. But he can sense it. I know, because he knows. There’s a slight lift to the fog that has shrouded my empathy link to him as he clutches me tight enough for his fingerprints to bruise. 

“I wish I could’ve saved you.” I whisper again. He draws away from me and makes a move to reach out, to wipe my tears, but instantly thinks the better of it.

“I know.” But he doesn’t. 

And that’s that.

He walks toward the mansion, a portal opens and I go through it, numb to everything, tears just pouring like rain. I wipe them away, smearing mascara across my cheeks, in my wake. Saix stands at the other side of the portal. Before he even has time to speak, before the portal closes behind me, inside the Castle That Never was, I take charge of the conversation.

“He doesn’t remember me. And you’re going to leave Axel out of this, okay?” I rasp, my voice sounding wet and tired.

“And who are you to think that you are allowed to give orders?” Saix asks me, a lifted eyebrow. “Lord Xemnas ordered him to kill XIII, that is his mission.”

“I’ll do it.” I whisper. I can’t, I know I can’t. They’ll kill me. But, I guess the good thing is they can’t turn me into a Dusk. And maybe, with Naminé or Sora’s help, just maybe, I can disappear before they get the chance to eliminate me. I will miss Axel, with every ounce of my being, but if we can’t run together…Then I will run to keep him safe and hide until he gets his heart back. It doesn’t matter if it takes until the very last day of my life, I know we will find one another again. And the romanticism of it all makes me mildly nauseous. This is not me, this has never been me. Weak, crying, hoping that some man comes to rescue me after I run away. But maybe I need rescuing right now. Maybe I’m not as resilient as I think.

“Oh, now?” Saix enquires.

“I’ll kill Roxas. It’ll hurt Axel, to have to do it. So I will. I’ll do it.” My words cut me deeper than I thought possible, and the icy cold smile that Saix offers makes me sick.

“As long as the Key of Destiny meets his demise by the end of tomorrow, it doesn’t matter whose hand it is at.” He replies, before he goes to stride off. He takes a few steps then pauses. “Perhaps I underestimated you, Rueki.” But I note how cold his tone still is. “Perhaps you do serve a purpose. After all, you’re just as heartless as the rest of us.”

I take off down the hall, toward mine and Axel’s room and I throw the door open. He’s not there, waiting for me, and the emptiness of the room is the final straw. I collapse in bed, a sobbing mess.

I cry long, I cry hard. I cry myself to sleep. I don’t even realize this though, until I hear the sound of a portal opening and my eyes go wide as I blink back grogginess. Axel emerges from the portal. I have never been happier to see anyone in my entire life.

“Hey.” He offers me an unsure glance.

“Hey.” I rub my eyes, sitting up in bed. I prop my elbows against my knees. 

“Things are pretty rough lately, huh?” He asks, walking over to sit down next to me.

“Yeah. Remember when I was just an angry girl, throwing a temper tantrum any chance I got?” I laugh, humorlessly.

“Remember when I just acted, not caring who I hurt?” He raises an eyebrow, wrapping an arm around me. I lean into him.

“Those were the days.” I snort.

“I dunno. I like you not slapping me. Most of the time.” He grins.

“Well, sometimes you need it.” I say.

“Yeah, I’m not gonna fight you on that one.” He chuckles. “I like this though. You, opening yourself up to me, me opening myself up to you. I like having someone that…damn, Rueks, I like taking off the mask every now and then.” I’m sure he does. I know all too well how exhausted and miserable he has been lately. I want nothing more than to see him snarky and laughing, but I guess this is what comes with time and vulnerability. 

“I liked seeing you smile better.” I sigh. 

“Yeah, I liked seeing you smile too.” He kisses the top of my head. “But…I’m here. Just so you know. You always act like you’ve just gotta suffer alone.” 

“You do too.” I remind him.

“Yeah.” He nods. 

“I like you this way though. You come to me about the important things. You know you can trust me, I hope. But you’re not a little bitch.” I grin. He laughs.

“I do trust you, princess. Even though you’re a pain in my ass.” He says. “Your pep talks suck, but the way.”

“Yeah, I know.” I nod. “Can’t blame a girl for trying.” 

“Eh, sure I can. But you’re cute, so I’ll forgive you.” He kisses the top of my head again, and I wonder if things will ever not feel like absolute magic between the two of us. The soft warmth that passes in between us during moments like this, lights me up the same way the passionate fire of us making love does. Making love. That phrase strikes me and brings the tiniest smile to the edges of my mouth. It’s so funny to think that I was so adamant once, that I didn’t want a relationship with him, that we were just fucking. Now, I think some of my favorite moments are when we’re being silly and laughing. He is my lover, but he has also become one of my best friends. I didn’t realize how beautiful love could be. “So, you come up with any bright ideas to save Roxas?” He asks and that warms me. He’d give in, I knew he would, but it’s nice to be on the same side of things again.

“Kind of not really.” I purse my lips. “Naminé and I spent some time chatting about this.”

“Naminé?” Axel raises an eyebrow. “You get her to undo the voodoo magic on you and Sora?” He asks.

“No, it’s convenient for now. Let’s me keep track of his progress. I’m too nosey to not know how that’s going.” I say. “No, her and I talked about Sora though, and Roxas, and how he deserves a life of his own. But she said at this point, there was nothing that could be done. She’s made so much progress, there’s no turning back. Only going forward, any future Roxas has will be dependent on the state of Sora’s heart. So, I don’t know what we’re going to do. The only thing I can think, is maybe we get the hell out of dodge now. Maybe not just run away, but maybe we find Sora and help him. maybe we’ll be safe if we’re fighting alongside him. Maybe the only way we can stay safe is by switching sides.” I offer. But his eyes are wide, his entire body is rigid. “What?” I ask.

“Fuck. How did I not think of that before?” He asks.

“What? Switching sides? I dunno, cuz you’re stupid?” I raise an eyebrow. He shakes his head and looks at me, ideas buzzing behind his eyes, his excitement is palpable in the air. My heart races.

“No. Rueks, we can get Roxas back.” He says. “Naminé, Kairi, Roxas, Sora, it all makes sense.” He insists, though I don’t see it.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I ask.

“Sweetheart, how was Roxas born?” He asks.

“Sora became a Heartless, I know what a Nobody is, dude.” I remind him, rolling my eyes.

“And what brought him back after he was turned?” Axel asks. I know the answer to this, because Sora knows the answer to this.

“Kairi.” I say, easily. “She found Sora’s Heartless, her light brought him back.” 

“All we have to do is get Kairi, Rueki. We get her, Roxas and Sora can merge, that’s no problem. We get Kairi, we can use her, we’ll turn Sora into a Heartless and then use her to bring him back, Rueks, this is it, this is the way that we get Roxas back, and Sora still gets to keep saving the day.” His eyes are bright, he grabs my hand and looks at me, trying to convey how brilliant this plan is. He’s waiting for a debate, for me to accuse him of being an asshole.

But I can’t. Because he’s right. This is it, this is our loophole. This is how Roxas merges with Sora and how Axel makes it out alive. 

“And how you can bullshit the Organization. You tell Xemnas we found Naminé and she said it wasn’t possible to stop the process, but we’ve got a foolproof plan anyway, there’s no way he can’t accept this!” A grin breaks out across my features. Axel searches my gaze for any signs of protest, any signs of sarcasm. When he finds nothing, he beams and wraps his arms around me.

“Fuck.” He whispers. “Fuck. Fuck.”

And that does seem to about sum it up.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want this to really sink in for you guys: I have one more updated before KH3 comes out. Holy shit.

XL.

“You’ve got the plan down then?” 

“Of course. Show up. Go full power couple on his ass, get dinged up, come back and be like ‘guys, I had an epiphany’.” 

“Sweetheart, it’s gonna take a little more finesse than that.”

“And that is why you will do the talking, and I’m going to do my best to just cry like a fragile flower.”

“Damn straight.” 

Axel shampoos his hair, I shave my legs, showering together for things other than sex isn’t exactly time pleasant for the two of us. It results in a lot of bumping hips, one of us being out of the water and freezing our ass off, or the stream of water cascading off of one of our bodies, attempting to drown the other. However, on a day like today, when efficiency is most important, we both somehow manage to snuff out our sexual urges in favor of getting our morning routine completed as efficiently as possible. It isn’t an easy task. In his anxious state, Axel is handsy as all hell, and between the occasional brush of fingertips across my thigh, and the press of an early morning erection against my ass, I am wound up into a half crazed state, similar to what I can only imagine Saix feels when he goes Berserk. Maybe the secret this whole time really was just to get him laid. 

There’s a pause. A beat in the conversation where he’s rinsing shampoo out of his hair and I am patiently waiting to rinse my razor blade. Well, as patiently as I can wait.

“What happens if all fails?” I finally ask. 

“Then we open a portal and run until we die.” He says. “And if this fails and we do get killed, it’s been a hell of a run, sweetheart.” His hands catch my face and he rubs a thumb across my cheekbone, keeping my eyes locked to his. In the mist radiating off of the shower stream, I have to squint my eyes to maintain this gaze. 

“I love you, Axel.” I say.

“I love you too, Rueks. In this life and if I’m lucky enough to get another one, in the next, too.” He presses his lips down onto mine, searing, desperate. “Would it cheapen the moment if I said this might be the last time we’re naked together?” He asks.

“Yes.” I say. “But I’m so sick of sappy shit.” I wrap my legs around his waist, set my razor aside and accept the thought of being a little late.

\--

My hair is sopping wet, hanging in damp tendrils down my shoulders, as we head to Twilight Town. Survivor is strapped to my arm, the weapons pouch I once shoved a book into is now solely filled with synthesis items and grenades. Axel holds my hand as we walk through the portal, his eyes on me.

“You gonna be okay?” I ask him, my eyes flicking up to him. A tiny smile flicks at the edge of his lips.

“You said something once about it being humble to die for a good cause. This is one if I ever did see it.” He shrugs. I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not. If all blows up in our faces, then we have to go together. It’s twisted, it’s certainly not healthy, but I am so beyond the point of caring. I need him. Plain and simple.

“Since when are you a hero?” I raise an eyebrow. He grins wickedly at me.

“I’m not.” He replies. “Let’s live.” Two very simple words that somehow mean everything. I feel new energy course through me.

We emerge right in front of the Usual Spot, with Roxas’ back to us. A quick feel for my empathy link shows me what I expected. Today is his last day here. Sora is ready to absorb him. Hayner, Pence and Olette passed straight through him. This entire world, that was so accommodating to him isn’t just rejecting him, but dissolving him into nothing. Forcing him to fade in every sense of the word. 

“Hey, kid.” I say. Roxas turns around to us, eyes wide. His eyes fly to where our hands meet, a united front, and then to us.

“I thought you wanted to save me.” Roxas says.

“I said I was sorry I couldn’t.” I correct him. 

“Look what it’s come to. I’ve been given these icky orders to destroy you, if you refuse to come back with us.” Axel says, playing the good cop, which he is infinitely better at playing than me. 

“The three of us, we’re best friends, right?” Roxas asks.

“Sure, but I’m not getting turned into a Dusk for…wait a sec, you remember now?” Axel asks. I shake my head.

“No, I kind of spilled the beans to him on that yesterday.” I confess, detaching my hand from Axel’s to tuck my hair behind my ear. I should’ve just put it up, damn.

“Come on, Roxas, give us anything.” Axel sighs. “This would be so much easier. Just…our boss’s name. Tell me that, we can fake it the rest of the way.” And truly it would be a lot easier to just bring Roxas back to Xemnas, go along with what Axel initially was willing to do, but it would defeat the entire purpose. Sora must wake up today. Roxas looks at him, chewing his lip.

“Sorry, hun. I told you.” I say. Axel looks to me, mouth pulled into a frown.

“He doesn’t remember anything?” I know he’s asking me to search the empathy link, but I don’t need to. All I have to do is look into Roxas’ eyes to know the answer to that.

“No.” I say.

“Can’t believe this…” Axel mutters. With the snap of my fingers, I summon a heard of Dusks to wear Roxas down before the real fight behinds. It is something Axel easily could’ve done, but I’m quicker to act, and damn, does summoning them feel good. I start to sift through my pocket, trying to come up with a game plan, my brain high on a power trip. Make this fight seem real, get hurt, but don’t kill or be killed. A grenade might not be a bad way to start—

I don’t realize time froze until I feel my being release from whatever hold was on it. My hand flies to my chest, I swear my heart is hammering loud enough for the entire town to hear it. Is that what it feels like? Being frozen. Roxas is gone, that much is clear right away. I look to Axel watching him do the same thing. Hell, I didn’t expect this to be so taxing.

“Fuck.” I choke out. “Naminé did that once. I didn’t realize it feels like shit.” 

“Time moved forward without our bodies. It doesn’t feel great.” He rubs his back, as though there is an ache developing in his muscles. 

“Do you have a lot of experience with that?” I raise an eyebrow. His torn expression doesn’t soften.

“Don’t ever get on Luxord’s bad side. Trust me.” Is all he offers. We stand there, this time the silence is a lot more uncomfortable. This is it. We’re doing this. Somehow, looking at Roxas, it all feels more real. It feels a lot harder. “Where’d he head to?”

“He’s on his way to the Old Mansion.” I say, surprised by how easily I am able to locate my empathy link now. It’s take a little bit of finesse, but now, there is no questioning, there is no guessing. My ever present Roxas tracking system seems to work better than ever. “Babe, are you gonna be able to do this?” I ask. I see the effort it is taking for his expression to stay neutral. “Look, you can take the mask off.” I remind him.

“It just sucks.” He shakes his head. “It fucking sucks. The Roxas we know is long gone.” Something I battled only a few days ago. I know how bad it hurts, I guess I forgot that he hadn’t experienced this pain yet. I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him in close, setting my head against his chest

“If you want, we can just bang it out.” I offer. “We’ll get busy while Roxas gets busy merging with Sora. We can just beat the shit out of each other afterward and say that he did it to us when we fought him.” I offer, squeezing him a little tighter. It isn’t a genuine offer and we both know that, however he smiles just the tiniest bit and my world doesn’t feel so much like hell.

“I’ll take you up on banging it out, if we make it out of this alive.” He kisses my forehead.

“Axel if they…if they turn you into a Dusk…” I begin, thinking of how I will use any and every bit of dark magic that it takes to bring him back. “If they turn you, I’ll just keep summoning Dusks, you’ll have to do something, catch my attention, let me know it’s you, but—” He cuts me off by pressing his lips to mine. His warmth never fails to work magic on me.

“I am not going to make you face this life alone.” He promises. I trust him.

We teleport into the basement of the old mansion, just in time to watch Roxas round a corner, into a hallway. I snap my fingers, and the sensation of unleashing Dusks nearly makes my eyes roll back into my head. A surge of power floods through my veins. I could kill him. Right now, I could charge into battle, and with the darkness coursing through me, I have no doubt that I could lose sight of right and wrong. I could end everything. It would be so easy, so simple. No gamble to see if Axel and I make it out alive. Just the promise of us coming out on the other side.

I feel a burning hot hand on my shoulder and, like the yanking of a leash, I am brought back down to reality. My eye’s flick to Axel’s. How is it, that no matter what happens, he always manages to center me? I take a breath, trying to clear away the darkness creeping at the edges of my mind. This would be so easy, I think. To fall into darkness, to let it all consume me. I understand why the apprentices were so tantalized by this power. And yet, I dunno, I don’t feel like a darker person. In the surge that comes from the magic I do, but it just doesn’t seem like my heart is freshly darkened. In fact, the only thing that seems different is that now, when I reach into the depths of my being, in search of the empathy link, I can feel Roxas. The fog is lifting, microparticles in the air. I could reach out and yank if I wanted to.

The boy clears away the last of the Dusks and I watch a mask fall over Axel’s features that I have never seen before. Something wicked, something villainous. This must’ve been the face he wore to taunt Sora in Castle Oblivion, because truly, it shoots a jolt of equal parts fear and arousal through me. How can he be so deliciously deadly? He crosses his arms to his chest and strides out, into the opening of the room.

“Simply amazing, Roxas.” He drawls. Roxas’ eyes widen as he whips around to regard us.

“Axel. Rueki.” He whispers our names with new familiarity.

“He’s remembering us.” I tell Axel, but he’s already got his sights set.

“I’m so flattered.” He roars, summoning his Chakrams, wrapping the room in a wall of fire. Quickly, I grab a potion and a fire gem from my pocket and load them into Survivor. With a rush of energy, I cast NullAll on myself, thinking of how much easier it would be if I could just learn light magic and cast NullBlaze. But now, I’m immune to any and all elemental damage. “But, you’re too late.” Axel hisses, eyes narrowed at Roxas. I grab a grenade out of my pocket and watch as a look of utter fear crosses Roxas’ features. My stomach drops. I want the expunging of guilt that comes with dark magic to return. I think to summon another heard of Dusks, when suddenly, Roxas takes a breath and that determined, heroic look I remember on Sora’s features now crosses his. Two Keyblades materialize in his hand. I gasp, jumping back.

“Two?” I choke out, taking a step behind Axel. My lover’s eyes narrow and I watch as he draws forward more fire, turning the floor to magma. Roxas winces.

“Come on, I’ll make it all stop.” Axel taunts, and I realize, there is no breaking his focus. He has to play the role of the villain, if he breaks character now, it will destroy him. And that’s fine, I can work with that. 

Roxas charges, but I throw a grenade to the ground and it explodes, knocking the Keybearer back into the wall of flames. He cries out, Axel teleports, moving too quick to keep up with. In a mad dash, Axel slashes with his Chakrams, at a blinding speed. I sprint in, just in time for Roxas’ reflexes to catch up. He blocks Axel’s attack. Axel stumbles back.

“Launch.” I snap. Axel acts quickly, laying one Chakram flat. I flip off of it, down, behind where Roxas is guarding. With the NullAll cast upon me, I can move easily in and around the wall of fire, unaffected. I slash right at his back with Survivor, throwing my weight into the attack. Roxas stumbles over, but his Keyblades act to catch his fall. Where I leave off, Axel picks up, sending a burst of fire at Roxas before disappearing into the wall of flames. Roxas falls back into me, I kick him forward, but before I have time to attempt another attack, he spins, smashing his Keyblades down onto me. I hit the ground, knees falling into the magma. I throw my arms up over my head, trying to block his blades, but they crash into me, unrelenting. He’s not letting up. I’m not going to need to fake any injuries, because these blades are sharper than the clunky key Sora fights with. The arm clad in Survivor is mostly safe, but the uncovered one takes the brunt of his attacks. I grunt, pushing upward, against him, and it works to push him off, but when I look down at my naked arm, I discover deep gashes across it.

Okay, now I’m pissed.

Axel comes flying out of the wall of fire, riding the wave of flames, but Roxas spins around in a countering move. He shoves his blades against Axel’s spinning Chakrams. I chug a potion and watch my wound close up, thankful that Axel is stealing at least some of his attention. I huff, watching as Roxas, in a move that takes a hell of a lot of dexterity, uses one blade to block Axel and smashes the him into the ground with the other one. Roxas goes to unleash a brutal combo on the redhead, but I charge in Survivor at the ready. I smash my claw into his back and he cries out, but doesn’t let up on Axel. Instead, Roxas sends him flying straight at the wall. I swear, I can palpably feel Axel tire, and the disappearance of the magma on the floor is only further proof of that. My eyes widen. My mind instantly flashes to Castle Oblivion.

There is no room left for mercy in Sora’s heart.

Or Roxas’. 

My stomach drops as the Keyblades are sent, pummeling into me. Make it count, Rueki, my mind tells me, but the kid isn’t letting up at all. His blades crash into me with a force that I cannot counter. He smashes me into the ground, onto my back. I throw my arms up into an ‘x’ and tuck my legs to my chest, trying to protect my internal organs. 

Once, twice, again and again, the breath is ripped straight from my lungs as Roxas attacks. Axel spirals at Roxas, but the kid is strong, he doesn’t miss a beat. He whips around and with one arm, throws Axel into the wall. Just like that, the flames in the room are snuffed out. I try to stand on shaky legs when I feel the Keyblade make contact with my middle. I am thrown, half way across the room, and am sent crashing into Axel. My trembling hands clutch his coat as I try to catch my breath.

“Is this enough?” I whisper, my arms and legs sliced open and sore. I don’t even want to assess my midsection. I’m certain that bruises are flowering across my skin. Axel looks like hell, his lip split open, and it looks like it is taking all of his effort to stand.

“Fuck, it’s gonna have to be.” He murmurs. I nod, weakly. With the flick of his wrist, Axel opens a portal behind us. “Act like you’re dying.” He orders, and hell, it doesn’t need to be an act, I feel like shit. This better be worth something. 

Roxas looks around, realizing just how dire the situation has become. My hands slip away from Axel and I crumble to my knees, panting. My eyes flick up to him. Axel sets a hand on my back as he tries to stay afoot. 

“Rueki…Axel…” Roxas says our names like ‘goodbye’ and I offer him the most pathetic, broken smile there is.

“Let’s meet again, in the next life.” Axel offers.

“Yeah, I’ll be waiting.” Roxas nods.

“Oh kid…” I whisper, because this is the end for him, whether he knows it or not. Whether he wants it to be or not. Despite every effort he has made.

This is how things have always been meant to play out.

“Silly…Just because you have a next life…” Axel chuckles, humorlessly as I watch him fall backward, through the portal behind us, pretending to collapse. I follow suit and sail back, through the darkness.

I look and see Axel beside me and we’re falling, falling, crashing straight to—

Shit!

We’re in Twilight Town, at Sunset Hill, the real Twilight Town, I’m willing to bet. We’re going to smash straight into the ground. At the last second, Axel has the reflexes to right himself. I don’t. I land on my back with an ‘oof’, clutching my chest. I wheeze, desperately, feeling the impact throbbing at my ribs, radiating through my spine

“Fuck!” I choke.

“Are you alright?” A stupid question, and not Axel’s voice. I sit up, too fast, my head spins. A pair of deep blue eyes meet mine. 

“Naminé.” I say. She offers me a half smile.

“The two of you let Roxas go.” She says, looking from me to Axel. “Thank you.” 

“If we die, it’s your fault.” I tell her, trying to shake off the pain. Axel is suddenly at my side, crouched down. His lips find my temple but it does nothing to ease the ache shooting through my body.

“You want me to carry you back to the Castle, princess?” He asks. I snort, looking him over. He really does look like hell and in the glowing light of Twilight Town, I can see blossoming bruises. 

“You can barely stand.” I say.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He smirks. Naminé looks between the two of us, her tiny smile growing.

“You’re not running then?” She asks me. 

“You already know the answer to that.” I say. She giggles. 

“Yes, but I thought it was polite to ask you.” She says. Axel offers her a half smile.

“I tell you what, Naminé. When Rueki started having nightmares about Sora…there was a time I might just have killed you for what she was going through.” Axel says, though with no malice to his voice. It’s very matter of fact, almost like friendly teasing.

“And now?” She asks. 

“Ha.” He snorts. “Ask me in a few months, if we make it that long.” He tells her, trying to help me to my feet. As he does, I look down and see that thankfully, the gash on my abdomen is large, but very artificial. Nothing that needs immediate attention.

“What you’re doing is brave.” She says.

“And foolish.” I say.

“What will you do if Xemnas doesn’t accept your decision?” She asks.

“Run. Try like hell not to get caught. It’s a real strategic plan.” Axel deadpans. Naminé’s eyes drift from mine to Axel’s.

“You know, there is another way. Does Xemnas know the truth about Rueki?” Naminé asks.

“Yeah.” Axel sighs, pursing his lips. “It was the only way to keep her and me both out of trouble after we got back from Castle Oblivion.”

“It would be a good bargaining chip.” Naminé says. “If Rueki knew, the power she would have over—”

“No.” Axel says, flatly. I sigh.

“Dude, if it keeps us alive—”

“If it’s the only way to stay alive, then I’ll break the news to you, but dammit, Rueki, don’t push this, this week has been hell enough already. I don’t wanna think about what could happen if you knew…” Axel sighs, turning to look away from me, his hands still wrapped around my arms as I lean into him. Fucking stubborn prick. “The only thing that’s stopping him from completely using you is the fact that you don’t know this secret. The second you’re out of the dark, he’ll know it and you’ll be his pawn, unless you can get a leg up on him and that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.” 

“It would be incredibly dangerous.” Naminé agrees. “But…there’s no way to keep the truth from her forever. Now that she’s started remembering her past.” 

“I fucking hate that you guys are talking about me like I’m not even here.” I grumble, though I certainly don’t have the energy to argue. Naminé begins to twist her hands, Axel tenses a little.

“It’ll break her.” Axel finally murmurs. “You can see into her mind. I tell her, and you don’t need to be able to see the future to know what happens. She’ll be his slave, she’ll lose herself to…”

“Yes. I know.” Naminé nods. “You’re right, but the two of you helped keep Roxas alive. I thought perhaps, I could help you both find a way to stay alive long enough for Kingdom Hearts to be completed.”

“Oh, so you’re not opposed to that?” Axel raises an eyebrow. “Twilight knows Sora’s going to fight us tooth and nail on that one when he knows it’ll help out his future enemies.”

“Your boss is a moron, he’d be smart to try to get on Sora’s good side. Let the kid think it’s an alliance.” I mutter.

“I would like to see Kingdom Hearts completed. After all, I would very much like to be a whole person. But I don’t believe Sora would fall for that. His moral compass is too strong.” Naminé says. 

“True, that kid’s got an iron will.” Axel nods.

“Just like Roxas.”

A silence falls over the three of us and another portal opens. I nearly jump, especially when I see the hooded figure that comes out of the portal. But I realize, quickly, just from his stance, that he is not a member of Organization XIII, here to assassinate Axel and I. No, this is the Imposter. Riku, maybe? He regards the three of us for a moment before his posture relaxes. Axel chuckles.

“Well, I guess that’s that.” He says, and I wonder how he still has the energy to laugh. I really should drink a potion, but then I guess I’d lose the flair of showing up, bloody and broken at the Castle That Never Was.

“Let’s go.” The hooded figure says, though to who, I don’t know.

“Go where?” I scoff, miserably. To the hellhole that is the Castle That Never Was? I’d rather prolong that as much as possible. “It’s not like we have homes to return to.” 

“We don’t exist, remember?” Axel snickers and I find I still have the energy to elbow him.

“Shut the fuck up.” I mutter.

“It’s true.” Naminé says. I think maybe I should swat her, but she quickly explains herself. “We may not have homes. But there is someplace I want to go. And someone I want to see.” She sighs, and I don’t know whether she’s talking more about Roxas or Sora. My heart hurts. It breaks, it shatters, but the ultra hot hands that are wrapped around my squeeze tighter, and all of the hurt falls away. I think I will always miss Roxas. But…

He doesn’t have anything on this man beside me. I look up at Axel, who smiles.

“You know, I think I’ve got everything I need right here.” He says. My broken pieces are glued back together. There is safety, there is love inside his warmth. He’s right. No matter what else happens, everything I need is right inside him. “So, you think you might let us go?” Axel asks the imposter. “I’m sure you’re here to get rid of us, but…” I look to the man in black, and think, hey, how bad of a death could it possibly be? If we go down, then we go down together. This will be an infinitely easier pill to swallow than watching Axel get turned into a Dusk. It’ll take a lot less work than running. I bring the hand that isn’t covered with Survivor up to Axel’s arm and squeeze gently.

Naminé gasps, eyes wide.

“DiZ wants to get rid of me?” She asks, truly seeming offended.

“Go.” The cloaked figure says, as though it is the easiest choice of all. Truly, this must be someone like Riku, someone with as big of a heart as Sora. This kind of goodness is nonexistent in the company I’ve been keeping.

“You sure about this?” Axel raises an eyebrow, holding me a little tighter. I want to yell at him for looking a gift horse in the mouth, but no matter what happens now, we’re on thin ice. Possibly die here, possibly die there. I fear we’re playing with borrowed time and it scares the shit out of me.

“I owe you all.” The figure says.

“For what?” I ask.

“Castle Oblivion. You helped us.” He says. The overwhelming feeling of warmth spreads through me, and suddenly, every ounce of guilt I have felt, every worry that I have had, that I played a big hand in Sora’s destruction at Oblivion washes away. This isn’t like the numbness that comes when the strange memories suddenly disappear. This is true release.

“Heh, you don’t have to tell me twice.” Axel opens up a portal and wraps an arm underneath my arms, helping keep me upright. He squeezes me gently as we start into the portal. “This could be the end, sweetheart.” He reminds me as we move forward.

“I know.” I say. “You ready?” 

He pauses for a moment and then, turns to look at me, the mask coming off completely, a look so pure, so honest washing over his features.

“What’s one more battle, beside the girl I love?” He asks. 

“Nothing we can’t take down together.” I nod.

Let’s see if that’s true.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, guys. One more day.

XLI.

We arrive outside of the throne room of the Castle That Never was, and I scream, a sound that is so utterly blood curdling, even Axel flinches.

“Come on, baby.” He encourages, pretending to try to support me, though his knees start to buckle. All I can think is, these fuckers want a show? We’ll give it to them. 

Instantly, members start teleporting in.

Xigbar, Saix, Xaldin, Demyx, Luxord and finally Xemnas. Axel’s legs shake and I hit the ground, clutching my middle desperately.

“Dammit!” I choke out.

“Rueki!” Demyx comes rushing over. Luxord’s eyes are wide and worried, even Xaldin and Xigbar look inquisitive, and I think this is perfect. They won’t turn Axel into a Dusk, not in front of everyone, will they? At the very least, this will give us some time, allow us to think.

Demyx is at my side, helping me up.

“Ran outta potions—” I pant, gripping his arms desperately. “Axel.” I look, with wild eyes, at my lover, who is trying very hard to stand right now. 

“Fuck, Rueki, of all of the times to underpack—” He starts.

“Fuck you, bring your own damn potions, I needed them!” I rasp out, instantly feeling pride. This fake argument sounds damn good.

“Damn.” Xigbar drawls, looking between the two of us. “Never woulda expected kiddo to pack such a punch. What, was he all suped up on Elixir?” 

“He had two Keyblades.” Axel wipes blood off of the corner of his mouth, with a gloved thumb, limping a little closer to where Saix and Xemnas stand. A look passes between the two of them, and Xaldin, an interesting trio, all things considered. 

“He was pissed. When he found out his ‘new friend’ was working with the bad guys.” I mutter, leaning heavily on Demyx as he helps me stand.

“Well, hell. Maybe we should get the love birds a mega potion?” Xigbar inclines an eyebrow, tilting his head toward Xemnas. The Superior’s eyes are narrowed as he looks at me. Not at Axel, but at me. I remember Axel stating once that Xemnas wanted me alive more than anyone else. I have no idea why, but I’m sure it has to do with the super secret no one wants to let me in on. I try to look extra pathetic as I lean against Demyx. 

“But of course.” Xemnas replies, in a very careful tone. “After all, our dear comrades tried their hardest to accomplish their mission.” Tried. But failed. 

“Oh ho.” Xigbar seems to understand, a spark lighting in his eye, as though it was ignited by gunpowder. My stomach drops. Fuck. “Nocturne, Gambler, why don’t you let Axel and little Rueki give us the rundown on their mission, while you two gather potions. Something tells me, they’re gonna need as many as you can carry.” Xigbar’s expression pulls into something wolfish and while Luxord isn’t paying attention to him, I’m certain Demyx is. He looks to me with wide eyes.

“Um. But…Rueki can’t stand.” Is his very meek protest, and my heart actually throbs. Demyx is good, possibly the only truly good one in this room. Even Axel and I have more morally grey area in us than I care to admit, but there IX is, not standing down, even if it is a very shy effort.

“Don’t you worry, water boy. I’ll take good care of the girl.” Xigbar strides over and grabs me by the top of the arms. His grip is infinitely more vice like than Demyx’s. Dammit, this is gonna be hella hard to weasel my way out of. 

“Go on, Dem.” I encourage. “Get us some potions.” Because right now, I don’t think Demyx standing in anyone’s way will stop whatever happens. I should’ve cured myself. Fuck, I should’ve cured myself. I steal a glance at Axel who is perfectly unreadable.

Demyx chews his lip and looks at me one last time before he and Luxord disappear.

The second they are out of the room, things shift. Xigbar’s got his arrow at my temple and Xaldin hurls his lance at Axel. VIII dances easily out of the way, even in his weakened state. And I do the only thing any cognitive female could do in this situation. I bend my knee and kick Xigbar in the balls.

“Oh fuck!” He doubles over and I go flying toward Axel, my arms outstretched as I stand in front of him. It’s a risky move, a gamble I’m sure even Luxord wouldn’t take, but if Xemnas wants me alive, this might stall him. 

“Potion, my pocket. Now.” I order him as I look at the four in front of us with wild eyes. I know how Saix fights. And Xigbar? Well, if I can handle the gravity shifts, I know he can’t handle close range attacks. I can take them down, at least if I guzzle an Elixir first. As long as Axel has the other two… “Back off!” I warn, my voice not wavering, despite my heart hammering in my chest. I feel Axel rustle through my pocket. He grabs a potion for himself and slips one into my hand. I clutch it with an iron fisted grip.

“The two of you were ordered to end Roxas or bring him home. Or else, suffer the consequences. What leads you to believe that you are above following orders, either of you?” Saix hisses, taking a step closer to us. With slow, deliberate movements, I uncork my potion, eyes flickering from Saix to Xaldin to Xemnas to Xigbar. These mother fuckers. I chug my potion and in a very showy move, pull a grenade out of my pocket.

“Oh man, little Rueki isn’t pulling any punches today.” Xigbar grins, and for a moment, I wonder if he actually even gives a shit about the outcome of any of this. Does he even care if Axel and I emerge victorious or is he just so desperate for a lick of excitement that this will suffice? 

“Naminé told us she made too much progress, that Sora was due to absorb Roxas no matter what. You really feel good sending members on a suicide mission?” I ask. I feel Axel reach out and touch my arm, warningly.

“Sweetheart…” He begins.

“No. There was no winning this mission. Roxas either gets absorbed or gets killed. How the hell does that help the cause?” I ask.

“The boy is no longer of use to us.” Xaldin says, eyes narrowed as he looks down upon me. “He was meant to be dealt with so that he doesn’t become a problem.”

“Who’s to say he’ll become a problem?” Axel asks. “Sora’s good for getting rid of Heartless. Plays into our little plan just perfectly.” 

“And what happens when he discovers our true purpose, as he always does with his enemies? Do you truly expect him to simply go along with things?” Saix seethes.

“Oh man, too bad we’ve already figured out a solution to that.” I can practically feel Axel smirking behind me and it burns a smirk onto my features. “All Rueks and I will have to do is capture Kairi. We get her, we’ll get Sora and we can turn him into a Heartless again. That’s all Ansem’s Heartless had to do was bait Sora with Kairi, it’ll work like a piece of cake for us.” 

“So, your assumptions that history will repeat itself are your excuse? Pathetic.” Xaldin scowls.

“It’s not an assumption. Sora would do anything for Kairi, if we use her as bait, he will take it!” I insist.

“And what purpose would that serve?” Xemnas asks, voice a little more level than the utter irritation that both Saix and Xaldin exude.

“We’d have Roxas on our side again. He’d have his memories back. And at that rate, we’ll have two Keyblade Masters working toward our cause. Seems like a pretty genius idea if you ask me.” Axel replies.

“Ha, the balls on you two.” Xigbar cackles. “They’ve got a point, Xemnas, it’s the best of both worlds.” 

“But it still doesn’t solve the issue of Sora. Kairi was able to return his heart to him previously. It is likely she will again.” Saix counters. “Surely, he will not be so accepting of the truth. He will become defiant.”

“No he won’t I can control him!” I blurt. A silence falls over the room. I hear Axel shift, anxiously behind me. I turn to him, questioningly and he looks petrified. Maybe this wasn’t the best card to play, but fuck it, I’ll play every single card in my arsenal if it means keeping us safe. “Naminé placed an empathy link on me and Sora. I can feel his thoughts, his feelings, I can sense where he is. And if I try hard enough, and his mind is open, I can project thoughts onto him.” 

“An empathy link, how is that even possible?” Saix regards Xemnas with an arched eyebrow. I watch a smirk spread slowly across the Superior’s features and don’t know whether or not to be frightened.

“Sounds like the little witch is working some pretty serious magic.” Xigbar grins. “Why don’t you prove it, little Rueki. Put your money where your mouth is. Where is the kid?” I think, long and hard, trying to reach out and feel Sora. It’s a little more difficult than before, I’m so used to searching for Roxas, but with a little effort, I push through and find him.

“A place called the Mysterious Tower. There’s some sort of wizard talking to him and Donald and Goofy about you guys. Warning them.” I say and I snap back to reality, like a rubber band. 

“Well I’ll be damned. She’s got you linked up tightly.” Xigbar says, nodding in approval. 

“How long have you had this link?” Saix asks.

“The start of the week.” Axel answers for me. “She told Rueki that she needed to understand how far she’d come, that there was no turning back. Rueks had a gut feeling all week, no matter what we did to stop Roxas, we couldn’t bring his memories back. Even if we dragged him here, kicking and screaming, he still would’ve fused with Sora. A complete waste of time.” 

“And why would you not report that?” Saix hisses.

“Because I didn’t tell him until today. And he was still dead set on following your bullshit orders of killing Roxas, so I didn’t think it mattered, thank you very much. But the kid beat us senseless. There was no way we’d have made it out alive. So, I told Axel to get us the hell out of there, and then I told him about the empathy link. We decided then that we could turn Sora back into a Heartless if push came to shove.” I lie, keeping my jaw set and my face neutral. The fact that they’re letting us talk, already means this is going better than I could’ve ever expected. But we’re not out of the woods yet, and something tells me, Saix is burning to eliminate me and have Xaldin turn Axel into a dusk.

“You said your empathy link will allow you to imprint thoughts upon the Keybearer?” Xemnas inquires.

“It should. I haven’t tested it too much, but I think I can.” And I can’t remember where I tested it, but the numbing fog starts to creep into my mind and I have to swat it away. No, I need to stay sharp, need to keep my defenses up. Need to keep Axel safe.

“Then you will send Sora to us. You will instruct him toward Hollow Bastion.” Xemnas says. I make a face, trying to map out mentally where these worlds might be. I know I’ve seen a map of the Gummi route at one point while working at the repair shop. 

“That’s almost a day’s travel with the Gummi Ship.” I remind him.

“It is no matter, it is a fitting stage for this show to begin.” Xemnas says. Saix’s eyes fly to the Superior’s.

“You mean to keep the girl alive through this?” Saix asks. A smirk creeps across Xemnas’ features.

“If she can prove herself useful, what reason have we to eliminate her?” Xemnas asks. “You’re smart, Rueki.”

“Superior, with all due respect—” Saix begins but I feel a rush of satisfaction course through me as Xemnas cuts him off. Haha, fuck you.

“If she can project thoughts onto Sora and track him, she is too valuable an asset to lose.” Xemnas says.

“She is defiant and moody on her best of days.” Saix says, and I mean, he’s not wrong. “Who is to say that she won’t double cross us.”

“Me.” Axel pipes up from behind me.

“He’s right.” I say. “Expunge Axel of guilt. Let him off the hook. I will be Sora’s fucking puppet master, and I will pull whatever strings you want me to, but let him live. Don’t turn him into a Dusk, don’t eliminate him, don’t even put him on probation.” 

“Unlikely.” Xaldin scoffs. “VIII still must be met with punishment.”

“After all, this is his motif. Defying orders, thinking a clever scheme will get him out of trouble. Or have you suddenly forgotten that is the sole reason you are alive today?” Saix asks. I have to bite the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood to keep my mouth shut. I want so badly to snap back, or to fly forward and punch him, but if I can control myself for just a little while longer, we might be safe. And Axel’s life is worth infinitely more to me than getting the last word.

“Give me heavy probation. Stick me with some more icky jobs. I’ll prove myself.” Axel says, a note of infrequently used justice in his tone. 

“Just let him live, don’t turn him into a Dusk.” I say, holding steady in my words, feeling the weight of the grenade in my hand. I look to Axel, he looks at me and we know, we both know. If they deny us this, it’s the end. We will have to run until either Sora eliminates Organization XIII, or they catch us.

Silence falls, Xemnas regards us with a stony expression before finally he speaks.

“Heartless patrol, with IX, until further notice.” Xemnas says. “And Rueki, despite your newly acquired talents, you are also on incredibly thin ice. You will follow orders to a tee. You will toe the line and if you slip up…your life will not be on the line, oh no. But his. From now on, the two of you will be tethered so tight to one another. One false move from either of you, and the other will pay the price.” His words ring heavy, but I turn to Axel, looking at him for reassurance. He looks just as dumbfounded as I do.

“Really?” He raises an eyebrow. “That’s all we have to do, play by the book?” It seems too good to be true and yet, fuck no, it doesn’t. Everything we have done in the name of Organization XIII, how hard we’ve worked, the morals that we both have had to toss to the wayside…

But no. This has not even balanced the scales.

“Perhaps you’ve forgotten. At the end of the day, we are all comrades. I cannot fault intelligence, or a good plan that serves the cause. Consider this a pat on the back for cleverness. I implore you though, do not test my forgiveness.” Xemnas says.

It is right then and there that Demyx and Luxord teleport in, stacks of Elixirs and Potion’s at hand. Demyx nearly stumbles back, gasping loudly as he takes in the scene. Luxord is infinitely more composed, however, I do catch his brow puckering with both curiosity and worry.

“Um…we’ve got the stuff…” Demyx looks at the group of us. Finally, slowly, I lower the grenade and put it back into my pocket.

“Well, I’ll be damned, Dem. We were so busy reporting in, we forgot to send someone to let you two know that Rueki found a few potions in her pocket. What a lucky coincidence, huh?” Axel asks, taking a step closer to me, wrapping his arm around my middle. Saix’s eyes are narrowed into slits as he regards us, so hateful for someone without a heart. Xaldin, however, is emotionless to a fault and gives up on Axel and I, thanks to Xemnas’ order. He looks utterly uninterest and assumes a slightly more relaxed pose, his hands clasping behind his back. Xigbar just grins at us, toothily and offers me a blink? A wink? I’m pretty sure it’s a wink, but the reason why is lost on me and makes me shift with a fair amount of discomfort. Is this it? Have we really won?

“A lucky coincidence indeed.” Luxord says, uneasily, his gaze moving to me. 

“Alas, I believe the report is complete. Friends, colleagues. We have a new goal to strive toward. An empathy link has been placed upon Rueki’s heart, linking her with the Keybearer himself.” Xemnas says.

“What?” Demyx nearly chokes.

“The Keybearer will be meeting us in Hollow Bastion tomorrow. Expect a wakeup call promptly. And do not forget, despite Sora absorbing Roxas, our Key may not be lost to us completely. We still have much we need to accomplish and many hearts that must be collected. In the meantime, rest your weary shells. For we have all earned a moment’s reprieve.” And with that Xemnas departs, Xaldin quickly following him.

Saix’s nostrils flare, his eyes still pooling with rage as he regards Axel and I. Finally, he skulks off, and I wonder if the effects of Berserk are twisting inside of him or if he really is just that angry he didn’t get to kill me.

“Well, well, well. Look at you two smarty pants. Good job kiddos, hope your luck doesn’t wear out soon. This has been pretty fun.” Xigbar grins, and in that moment, he reminds me terribly of how Axel used to be, before we officially got together. Before a sense of moral alignment was restored to him. Before I etched myself into his very being. I wonder, momentarily, how things would different, how he would be different if I hadn’t stumbled into this world, and then I realize, that doesn’t even matter. Chances are, no one would have sparked this level of care in me if I hadn’t encountered him. Together, we have become a wildfire, he burns and I pour gasoline across everything. We have become unstoppable. With a wave, Xigbar teleports off and Demyx promptly drops potions all over the floor.

“The hell!?!?!?” He cries out, throwing up his now empty arms as potions clatter to the floor. I relax a little into Axel’s touch and burst out laughing. He follows after me and we cling to each other, giggling like idiots.

\--

After filling Luxord and Demyx in on the situation—giving them the same story, of course that we gave the other four members, after all, our secrets can’t destroy us if they’re not secrets to anyone—Axel and I retreat to our room and collapse into our bed, exhaustion gripping us almost as tight as we grip each other.

“Fuck.” I mutter.

“Yeah, I’d say that about sums it up.” Axel chuckles. I laugh too and bury my face in his shoulder, breathing him in. “You know, its funny, I’m almost wondering if any of this is even real.”

“You and me both.” I nod against him. “Are we really alive or is this just like…the after life?” 

“I don’t necessarily know that I get an afterlife, princess.” He cackles.

“If you wanna get morbid about it, me either.” I roll my eyes. Like can he for once just be grateful about something and not make some stupid ‘I don’t have a heart’ joke? Scratch that—when did I become an optimist? I used to pride myself on being such a cynic. Stupid fiery man and this stupid happy babble he has infected me with. “This just…it feels like a dream. It doesn’t feel possible that we got away with any of this.” 

“We didn’t.” Axel says flatly. I snort.

“I’m really not worried about probation.” I counter, because if it really came down to it, I’m sure I could cooperate. Staying alive truly is more important than getting the last word in, even when it comes to Saix. Of course, it’ll be difficult, but I’m sure I can manage. In fact, I’m already thinking of a retort against Axel when he inevitably makes a joke about me not playing by the rules. But that joke never comes. Instead, he stiffens against me.

“We lost Roxas.” His words hang in the air. I clutch him a little tighter, my fingertips pressing into him.

“Yeah.” I thought I came to terms with this almost a week ago, when I decided that, no matter what happened, Sora needed to come back, that his life was far more important than Roxas’, whether I liked it or not. My heart matters less than the hearts of all the worlds, but…

The ache doesn’t soften. 

Instead, it winds like a knot inside my stomach. I fear the pain will hit me much worse when the euphoria of emerging on the other side of victory, with Axel, subsides. For now, it’s an uncomfortable, nauseous feeling, making my insides feel like they are about to fall out of me. I press myself closer to Axel, who grips me tightly.

“We’ll get him back.” I say, my voice a very strong, steady whisper. I don’t know if he believes me, but in his eyes I see a pain that cuts me even deeper than the loss of Roxas. Somehow, I don’t think anything I do will help absolve him of this agony.

We spend our victorious night grieving our dearest friend.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So where are you guys at in KH3? Have you started playing yet? I had friends over last night for Sea salt ice cream and star fruit and some gameplay and we got to the first scene with Lea and Kairi and Lea in 1080p has got me SO thirsty. Also that scene made me full on sob. I'm so inspired to get writing the sequel to this. 
> 
> Anyhow, I hemmed and hawed with this chapter and the last. Technically Axel isn't with the group that confronts Sora in Hollow Bastion, but I really felt like were missing out on some fun characterization of the Organization if I had him and Rueki leave in the last chapter. So alas, I decided to diverge from canon.

XLII.

Xigbar wakes Axel and I up at the crack of dawn, without even the courtesy of knocking on the door. I’m curled into Axel, completely naked under the blankets, and nearly jump a foot in the air at the sound of the Freeshooter’s arrival.

“Fuck, man!” I snap, yanking the blankets up over my breasts. Xigbar bursts out laughing, a wild grin on his face, and I wonder what the fuck he saw. My face grows hot, I color from head to toe. “Dude, learn how to fucking knock!”

“Hey, hey, don’t shoot the messenger, little Rueki.” He howls, clutching his middle, like my reaction is the funniest thing he has ever experienced. Fucking dick. Fucking asshole. I wish there was something harder than a pillow to throw at him, but I settle for that, chucking it across the room. 

Suddenly, Xigbar is on the ceiling, feet planted, hair hanging down in a straight line, getting him just out of the way of the pillow I threw. He grins, an upside down smile, as though the very act isn’t disorienting in the slightest. I don’t believe it, and the fact that he is unshakable pisses me off even more.

“Come on, Xigbar. I’m the only person in the Organization that could’ve got laid this morning. Now you come in and rile her up, and there goes my day.” Axel sighs, next to me, running a hand back through his hair. I crane my neck as far as I can to glare at him.

“Oh, come on, kiddo. Don’t play like that, everyone in this castle has heard the arguments you two used to have and the sex that followed. We all know what riling her up really does.” Xigbar winks or blinks but I’m pretty sure it’s a wink and I hate him.

“You’re a dick. It’s way too early for this shit.” I shake my head, scooting a little closer to Axel, who is certainly the lesser of the two evils right now. Xigbar just chuckles at my actions, and Axel raises an eyebrow.

“Rueki’s right, it is early. What brings you here? You don’t make a habit of teleporting in randomly.” Axel says, and suddenly, Xigbar is floating down, turning over midair, in the most graceful flip I have ever seen. Finally, he stands, feet planted on the ground again, which is at least nice of him to regard us like a normal person.

“Lord Xemnas wanted a status update on Sora. Says he wants to meet him in Hollow Bastion. Doesn’t wanna miss our chance. So, I’m here to consult our resident psychic.” Xigbar nods at me. I pout.

“I’m not a fucking psychic, I swear to…” I let my voice trail off as I search for Sora, traveling the length of the empathy link, which now feels like a tunnel I can traverse easily. “It looks like he just arrived in Hollow Bastion. He’s on his way to someone’s house. Someone named Merlin?” I’m not sure who Merlin is, and I can’t visualize his house in my mind, but Sora’s objective is clear.

“Perfect. Be ready in five. Meet in the throne room.” Xigbar says, and as quickly as he appeared, he is gone. 

“He made my shit list.” I say. Axel cracks a grin.

“I ever tell you that you’re a real bitch in the morning?” He asks. And he has, and I know it’s true, but in order to retaliate, I tear his pillow out from beneath him and hit him with it before clambering out of bed.

Neither of us waste a single second. We dress quickly, Axel styles is hair, I refrain from putting mine up and make note of how I mildly look like a corpse, in my exhausted state. The bags under my eyes are more pronounced. There are little white scratches across my body, scars that have formed, a side effect of dosing up on potions. Yeah, things heal insanely fast, but not pretty. Not that I am particularly bothered by this, but I’m sure Sora won’t be too pleased when he takes in the sight of me this morning. He doesn’t remember what kind of a bitch I was in Castle Oblivion to him, and maybe that’s for the best. The maybe Riku imposter seems to think I’ve redeemed myself…

I wonder if I’m supposed to bring my coat, and in order to avoid a thorough chewing out from Xemnas, I grab my coat and drape it over my arm before Axel and I teleport into the throne room, just in case.

As per usual, we gather in our chairs, and like usual, I sit, perched on the arm of Axel’s, thankful to see that I’m not the only one who looks dead to the world. Of course, I noticed this morning that Axel took a pretty good beating from Roxas and that his chest is flecked with tiny white scars, that I want to run my fingers across more than anything else in this world. But Xaldin looks to be struggling to stay awake, Demyx has actually dozed off in his chair and Luxord is rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Of course, Xigbar was way too energetic to function this morning, but there’s a blaze in his visible eye that I noticed early this morning but seems all the more pronounced from where he sits, way up high. This excites him, actually going out and doing something, rather than sitting around, having meetings, plotting to send people out to do stupid things. He may be II, but I have a feeling, that things would be very different for him if he wasn’t following someone’s orders. He is certainly more a man of action than Xemnas. Saix teleports onto his throne, looking composed and but somehow agitated at the same time. There’s a set to his jaw as he looks around the room and then pauses on Axel and I. Axel notices, I’m sure, because he tilts his chin upward, and looks to me. He squeezes my hand, and while I’m sure he is trying to be sweet, I think it is more to vex Saix, than to appeal to me. Mmm, yes baby, give me that pettiness. 

Finally, Xemnas teleports in, looking to be the most awake of anyone, even Xigbar, who is probably running on caffeine and manic energy. Xemnas looks at all of us like it is normal to be alive at this time, like it’s acceptable and like the rest of us are a bunch of slackers for being so drowsy. If I needed any further confirmation that this man has lost his mind, this is it. 

“Comrades,” Xemnas begins, and I think I should be smart and gift him a Thesaurus. ‘Comrades’ is the way he starts every meeting. If I were in Axel’s shoes and had been with this Organization for over a decade, certainly my brain would clock out the second I heard that word. “Through Rueki’s connection, we have discovered the Keybearer has arrived in Hollow Bastion. As he no longer remembers his time with our fallen members in Castle Oblivion, I believe it is our mission to welcome him to the world of waking, to remind him just how great a foe we can be. And of course, to encourage him to persevere in fighting the Heartless.”

“And we had to do that this early?” Demyx whines, finally waking back up. He very obviously wipes sleep from his eyes, and Saix delivers him the nastiest of looks, an expression he usually saves for me.

“Are you here to question the Superior’s orders?” Saix snaps, and Demyx literally yelps.

“Uh no, nope. Sorry.” He squeaks back. But hell, I definitely agree with Demyx and if I wasn’t tiptoeing around broken glass with this Organization, so to speak, I might very well mouth off in his defense. Xemnas continues.

“We will arrive in Hollow Bastion, near the Bailey. You know of where I speak. We will confront him, intimidate him. And then, we will meet back here to discuss the Keybearer further. The remainder of the day is yours to do as you please, rest your weary shells, for Roxas’ departure has put a strain on each of us.” Xemnas says. So that’s what it is then? It wasn’t just Axel and I working ourselves to the bone? Has he sent everyone here on an impossible mission that has worn them into this state of exhaustion? And, if so, why?

“So…” I start to question if we are seriously going to Hollow Bastion at the ass crack of dawn to laugh, evilly, at Sora, but I try to remember why I’m being a good girl in the first place. For Axel, for me. Come on, Rueki, behave. “Am I going to pretend to be a member or am I going to pretend to be your captive?”

“Your cooperation is both impressive and respected. Thank you, Rueki.” Xemnas nods, as though he is just pleased as punch that I am finally being a good little pawn. I squirm in discomfort. “I believe it is best to use you as bait for Sora. Let him believe his friend has been captured. The deep desire to save others seems to motivate Sora more than anything else that comes into his path.” 

So, I guess I didn’t need my coat. Axel seems to read my mind, he opens up a small portal, likely to our bedroom and I drop it in, pressing a kiss to his cheek as I do. A smile flicks onto his lips, but I know my actions are nothing but annoying to the other members. I guess loving him is the one act of defiance I have left. I’ll take it.

“And now, we depart. Keep your hoods up, I believe it is best to keep ourselves shrouded for now. We must waste no time. II, you will be in charge of presenting Rueki.” Xemnas says, and Xigbar grins. I’m sure he already knew this though, maybe this is why he has been so annoying this morning, because he knew he was going to be the star of the show. I’m sure Xemnas doesn’t trust Axel and I to pretend to be captor and captive, I guess the move makes sense. I steal a quick glance at Axel who just sighs before he puts his hood up.

“After this, we’ll have fun.” He assures me.

“Like a nap?” I ask. He snorts.

“You really need to learn to think outside the box, princess.” He kisses me and teleports off. Suddenly, Xigbar stands where Axel once sat.

“Alright, little Rueki, let’s get this show on the road.” He says. I stand, balancing delicately on the arm of the throne, when he grabs my arm, too hard, yanking me too quickly. Clearly, he doesn’t understand that gravity is a danger to us mere mortals and should be feared.

“Fuck, dude!” I say, trying to catch my balance, but just as I try, I feel the jolting sensation of us teleporting, tearing through time and space, to a ledge near what I assume is the Bailey of Hollow Bastion. The other members have assembled. I hear Sora’s voice before I see him, and I am surprised by the effect it has on me. Sora, Roxas. They’re okay, and I played a hand in that. For what happened in Castle Oblivion, this feels good. Maybe, despite everything, I’m not an awful human being. My entire body radiates warmth, and I have to try my hardest to put on the act of being in danger. Not that I’m good at pretending to be a damsel in distress in the first place.

“The ones we need to worry about are the Nobodies.” Sora says.

“And those Organization XIII guys in charge, too.” Goofy seems to agree with whatever they’re talking about.

“You called?” Xemnas asks as we all take slightly more ‘in character’ stances, attempting to look like less drowned rats. Xigbar is still gripping my arm, so I decide to go ham. I try to shrug him off, try to shake him away. If I’m going to play the captive, I’m going to do it in the most hostile, most Rueki way possible. Twilight knows, no one could actually take me hostage, without me kicking and screaming every step of the way. Sora’s not going to believe me acting weak and delicate.

Sora, Donald, Goofy and a brunette man wearing leather and a lot of belts look to us, and I realize, instantly, that this is the man that chased me out of the wizard’s house when I came here with Demyx, to scatter pages from some book. Granted, it was over a year ago, and only briefly, but I certainly remember the person who chased after me with a strange gun sword. And of course, how does one forget someone wearing that many belts?

“You’re doing well!” Xigbar taunts from beside me, way too loud to handle.

“Dude, that was right in my fucking ear.” I mutter, he just snickers.

“This calls for a celebration.” Someone—Saix? Xemnas?—says, before summoning an army of Dusks. It’s nothing that Sora can’t handle though, within a matter of minutes, he and his crew have completely eliminated the threat. Someone speaks, again, I’m not certain who it is, in fact, I’m surprised by the fact that with their hoods up, I’m having such a struggle figuring out who is who. 

“The Keyblade. What a truly marvelous weapon. Were it only in more capable hands.” He says, and a series of voices sound off, laughing, as though this is the most hysterical thing ever. Only slightly more evil. And honestly, I cannot help but think of how utterly stupid this is. Really? An evil laugh? That’s what I’m here, wasting my morning, wasting precious hours of sleep doing? 

“Show yourself!” Sora orders and suddenly, he spins around and looks up to the ledge we stand on. His eyes scan the group and go wide as he sees me. 

“Organization XIII!” Goofy cries out.

“Rueki!” Sora looks to me, eyes pleading. “Let her go, let’s finish this!”

“What a shame. And here I thought we could be friends.” I’m almost certain that’s Xemnas’ voice. I try to tear away from Xigbar’s grasp, and to my surprise, he tosses me at Axel, who catches me quickly and tries to hold me in a way that is mildly threatening. 

“Always falling into my arms, Rueks.” He whispers, so low that only I can hear it, and I have to try to fight back a smirk and keep pretending to play the captive. Xemnas wants me to follow orders to a tee, here goes nothing.

“Be careful, Sora!” I shout, from the ledge we stand on. “Forget about me, just keep fighting away the Heartless and the Nobodies!” 

“Rueki, what are you saying? I’m not going to let them hurt you!” Sora shouts back.

“Trust me.” Axel whispers, and before I can think, he winds my hair around his hand and shoves me. I stumble forward, my heels digging into the edge of the ledge as he dangles me.

“Fuck! I cry out, and as gently as he can yank me back, he does. And while under certain circumstances, I might actually encourage him to pull my hair, this is not one of them. “Dammit, back the hell off!” I snap at Axel, rubbing my scalp as he releases me. It made for amazing effect though, because, Sora charges forward, looking around desperately for a way onto the ledge 

“What happened, Rueki?” Sora cries. “How did they get you?”

“My ship crashed in their world. I—” I’m cut off over the sound of portals opening. Saix, who stood beside Xemnas disappears.

“You want her, Keybearer?” Xemnas asks. “Come and claim her.” And with that, the Superior is gone, followed quickly by Xaldin, Demyx and Luxord. I feel Axel’s hand on my back as he gently leads me backward into a portal of our own. The second it closes and we are safely within the darkness, I turn to him, eyes blazing. He pulls down his hood and meets me with a sheepish smile.

“Listen, Rueks, before you get pissed—” He begins.

“Oh, it was cool as hell for dramatic effect, but if you’re gonna pull my hair, can you at least make sure next time that you’re inside of me when you do it?” I ask. And to my pleasure, he grins.

“Have I told you lately that you’re the one?” He asks, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close.

“Probably, but you know I love to hear it.” 

“Yeah, but if I keep saying it out loud, that’s just gonna feed that ego of yours.” He taps my nose and I grin.

“Yeah, but it’ll go straight to my ass, so I mean, is that really a problem?” I raise an eyebrow and he chuckles, pressing a kiss to my forehead. 

“You make a good captive. I should hold you hostage more often.” He tells me.

“While I am certainly not opposed to that, I think we’re supposed to head back to the throne room now, if we don’t want to get our asses chewed out.” I remind him. He makes a face.

“You know, I liked it better when you didn’t have to worry about being cooperative. That smart mouth of yours is one of my favorite things about you.” He says.

“Do you keep a list?” I tease. He cracks a smile once again.

“I change my mind, your attitude is a pain.” He jokes, and with that, he leads me, the two of us walking hand in hand as we appear back in the throne room. 

“It took the two of you long enough.” Saix glares as soon as we are seated on Axel’s throne. And no, I can’t be defiant, no, I can’t question Xemnas, but no one said I couldn’t make snooty ass comments to Saix when he’s being an absolute cunt. Which seems to be always.

“I was busy sucking his dick, be grateful I know what I’m doing and we didn’t take any extra time.” I snap and, to be extra obnoxious, Axel and I high five.

Demyx, Luxord, Xaldin, Saix and Xemnas, along with Axel and I, are back in the room, but Xigbar still isn’t.

“What’s taking him so long?” Axel raises an eyebrow, his voice as nonchalant as it was when I first arrived in this world, his mask of aloofness perfectly intact. I have to admit, whether it is an act for the Organization’s benefit, or if he is just a little more at ease, I do love seeing him like this. No tension in his body or his voice. 

“I have requested that Xigbar attempt to taunt Roxas out of Sora.” Xemnas says. There’s a discomfort, an awkward silence that falls across the room, and I have a feeling that the unspoken thought in my head is echoed by everyone save for Xemnas. Is such a thing even possible?

Finally, Xigbar teleports back in.

“That kid’s gonna be a real pain in our asses. He’s sure a lot more naïve than Roxas.” Xigbar announces, which I could’ve told anyone.

“Do my eyes deceive me? Does he really have the power to wield the Keyblade? He is nothing but a boy.” Xaldin says, dismissively, as though Roxas was truly so much more.

“Give him a chance.” Xigbar chuckles. “It means he’s straight as an arrow. He’s pure of heart, unlike all of us here.” 

“He had better be, or else he’s worthless.” Saix grumbles.

“I truly hope he’s enjoying himself on his adventure.” Luxord replies, and suddenly, he summons a deck of cards, which he flourishes. “Maybe he’d like a hand to determine his fate.”

“Hey, as long as it works in our favor!” Demyx pipes up. “We can let him do what he wants for now. Then we’ll all jump in if needed.”

“Those are bold words coming from you. Are you saying you’ll volunteer to take care of it if things go wrong?” Xigbar asks. And I’m certain that Demyx won’t be assigned to that. It’ll be Axel and I stuck doing the dirty work.

“Huh? What? Me? No, you have the wrong guy. I’m not comfortable with that.” Demyx shakes his head, and all I can think is that Demyx is an angel that must be protected at all costs.

“You act as though you have a conscience. When was the last time any one of us felt anything?” Xaldin inquires.

“Truer words were never spoken.” Luxord concedes, his deck of cards vanishing. “Well, I suppose the fun will have to wait.” 

“Do you know what happens to those who lose their true purpose? Inevitably they destroy themselves.” Saix says, very pointedly looking to Axel and I. I shift, my eyes narrowing as I go to fire off a retort, and I swear, Xemnas can sense something.

“Comrades.” He stops and we all turn to look as he finally speaks. “The hero of the Keyblade has embarked on a new adventure. Make sure it is one he will remember. You are dismissed.” And before even asking me another question, Axel grips me tight and I brace myself for the lurching feeling that I know comes from teleportation. I jolt forward, coming to a standing position on…

The beach. It’s definitely the Twilight Town beach, the waves look pink with the ever present orange sky, always on the brink of setting. I know I haven’t ever been here before, but something about it feels incredibly familiar. As though I have been here with someone, comforting a friend. The second I start wondering who I could’ve comforted here, the familiar fog creeps in, relaxing me, uncurling my muscles, pushing away any thoughts of gaps in my memory. 

I look around, marveling at how very different it looks than the Destiny Islands. There are no palm trees, but instead, there is a mossy green line, right where the surf starts. There are no patrons on the beach, currently, but I remember, with great pain, that summer vacation is over for these kids. 

“Why the beach?” I ask Axel, who is staring out at the hazy sun hanging in the sky. 

“I dunno. We promised Roxas we’d come here. I figured if we all couldn’t be here, the least I could do is spend a day on the beach with the person I love.” He turns to me and I think I could possibly choke on how incredibly beautiful he is. I wrap my arms around his neck and gently press my lips to his. He responds by pulling my lower lip between his teeth. “Do you like it?” He asks as he pulls away, letting me go to look around the shoreline. I nod as I gaze, taking his hand in mine, squeezing gently.

“I like Twilight Town a lot, I’d really like if we could live here after you get your heart back.” I say, stepping down on the heel of my boot to pull it off. I realize, offhandedly that we’ve only briefly talked about our future, and only in fleeting plans. This is the first concrete anything we’ve talked about. I take off my other boot, much in the same fashion I did the first one, savoring the feeling of the cool, dry sand between my toes. Truly, this is much nicer than the hot, coarse sand of the Destiny Islands.

“Are you really asking my permission?” He raises an eyebrow, smirking at me.

“Don’t rub it in, I know I’m soft as fuck now.” I roll my eyes, but he swoops in and nearly tears me off my feet, hands grasping my back as he dips me down low. I let out a yelp, my hair cascades beneath me and I cling to the front of his shirt for dear life. He meets me with a wicked grin and I pout. “Dick.”

“You can have that later.” He teases, kissing my nose and I slap his chest.

“You’re the worst, I hate you.” I say.

“Only makes me love you more, Rueks.” And with that, he brings me back up to a standing position. I bite the inside of my cheek to stop from smiling too big. He releases me and sinks to the ground, sitting beside the shoreline and I join him, sinking my toes deeper into the sand. “So, we’re living in Twilight Town?” He asks and I nod. “What about kids?” I could choke on the thought. 

“I dunno. Isn’t Roxas our child?” I laugh. 

“I don’t think that’s how it works, sweetheart.” Axel laughs in return.

“I dunno though, I guess. I’m only nineteen, I can’t even imagine being someone’s mom.” I shake my head. “What about you though?” Because if I’m going to mother anyone’s obnoxious little monsters, they’re gonna be his.

“You know, there was a time when I would’ve definitely said no. But that was probably right around the time I told you that I was never gonna be your boyfriend.” He says.

“Yeah, look how far that got us.” I laugh. He looks to me, eyes burning like a thousand suns, and I think my life’s entire axis might just revolve around him. I reach out, sliding my fingers through his. This isn’t a sunset with ice cream on the clock tower, but it’s special and beautiful all in its own right. He warms me to my core, washing away worries I had only yesterday. 

“Now, I think I do want kids. And a home. And you, I want us to have something concrete, something just ours that no one can take away from us.” He says.

“Axel…” I breathe, because to me, this is so overwhelmingly beautiful. We’ve been so willing to die for one another, so willing to suffer for one another for so long, that I think the two of us have both sufficiently forgotten what it feels like to live for one another, to be ecstatic for one another. 

“Don’t let this get to your head, sweetheart. But I want to build my whole world around you.” His hand squeezes mine, but that doesn’t seem like enough. Nothing could possibly seem like enough. I lean forward and press my lips to his, savoring the taste of him, savoring the smell of his skin, savoring the heat of his mouth. I’m not an idiot. I am not genuinely naïve enough to believe in soulmates or the idea that two people could possibly be made for each other. But I look into his eyes, and damn, how does he keep doing this to me, because I want to believe. I want it to be possible, because I cannot imagine someone more suited for me. Someone whose lips feel better against mine, someone whose shoulder my head fits more perfectly against, someone who curls more perfectly around me when we sleep. I am certain there is no one out there like this. There is no one whose fingers fit the spaces between mine more perfectly. 

“Everything I am is yours.” I breathe. “I just wish we could have this all now.” I’m so sick of Organization XIII, the contrast between our lives, doing Xemnas’ bidding, and our lives when it’s just us like this, on a day off, wrapped up in each other, sharing our hopes and dreams, talking about the future, talking about our feelings, is so incredibly stark. It’s so obvious where the source of the crippling pain that seems to be destroying our lives comes from. Not that I didn’t know before, but it’s been so long since Axel and I have had a day off together, a moment like this, I almost forgot how beautiful things could be.

“I do too.” He murmurs. He pauses for a moment and then releases my hand, but spreads his arms. I raise an eyebrow, and he gestures with his head, indicating that I belong between them. I oblige, of course, settling in, my back against his chest as we look at the waves. “I wish none of this shit with Roxas ever happened. I miss him so fucking much.” Axel murmurs against my hair as he hugs me tightly around my middle. 

“I know baby, but we’ll get him back.” I remind him. We have to now, whether we want to or not. I’m ashamed of this price I paid to keep Axel alive. And I’d turn anyone into a Heartless if it meant keeping this man firmly attached to my side. 

“You’re actually going to go for that?” He asks. “Whatever happened to wanting to keep Sora alive?”

“We’ll bring him back. Well, Kairi will bring him back.” I correct myself.

“You really think Xemnas is gonna let that happen? I’ve got a feeling, he’s going to slaughter whatever Heartless comes out of Sora, Kairi be damned.” Axel counters.

“Then we’ll turn the tables on him.” I say. A silence falls between the two of us, his fingers dance up the curve of my waist. “Maybe we bring Sora back and sick him on Xemnas, let him finish the Superior off. And then it’ll all be done.” The very prospect of this nightmare ending is something I’m so desperate for. 

“But who knows when Xemnas will give the order on when we’re supposed to get Kairi. I don’t want to fucking wait, Rueki.” He shakes his head, his grip on me tightening, something anxious, something distraught.

“Then speed up the timetable!” I insist “I trust you, do what you have to but, dude, what are you so worked up about all of a sudden?” 

He’s quiet, and for a moment, I worry that he’s going to retreat in on himself again. I fear that all of the progress we have made with vulnerability will all be for naught, now that the going has sufficiently gotten tough. 

“Do you still have gaps in your memories?” He asks, finally, heaving a sigh. “About this past year? Like there’s something missing, but you just can’t put your finger on it?” 

“Yeah.” I say, pushing the fog down as it threatens to creep at the edges of my thoughts. “All the time. When I think about Roxas, when I think about the beach.” 

“For me, it’s when I think about Naminé, or when I think about Sora absorbing Roxas. There’s something about memories and tragedy. This thought just pops into my mind, and I think, hell, I used to remember everything, but now something is missing. Something important. And it always feels like it’s right there, within my reach, but the second my fingertips brush it, it slips away.” He sighs.

“It’s not like that for me.” I shake my head. “I’ll just think of something and feel like there’s something I’m forgetting. And then, it’s like this laughing gas spreads through my mind, it clouds over the memories, and I don’t have to fight it, it doesn’t bother me. I just forget about it.” And I think that’s the very best part. Finally, something I don’t have to lash out at. Finally, a problem that just disappears, instead of something I must rage against. Axel snorts, a derailed sound, his head comes down onto my shoulder, as though he is trying to bury everything inside of me. I only wish I could help him dig. My memories are fucked already. Naminé said it is only a matter of time before the sealed room overflows and I remember everything. I only wish there was a way I could squeeze Axel’s hurt inside of there, to store for him, so he doesn’t have to carry it on him. 

“Laughing gas? That’s gotta be nice.” I don’t even have to ask to know it isn’t nearly that pleasant for him. “I don’t get that, maybe that’s one of the side effects of letting Naminé play around in your memories, but for me, there is no forgetting. It’s like I’m on a leash, chasing something that will always be just slightly out of my reach, no matter what I do. And I can’t get away from it. There’s something missing and it’s on my mind all the damn time, because whatever it is, makes me feel a hell of a lot of guilt. Like something is my fault. I let someone down, I hurt someone I cared about. I keep telling myself there was no one, only you and Roxas. But then, if that’s the case, why do I feel like I’m the reason someone I cared so much about is gone? And why do I feel like it’s happening all over again with Roxas? And once again, I’m on a fucking leash, just out of reach of the answers that will fix this. Rueki, I think we lost someone not too long after Roxas left the Organization. And now he’s gone, and I know what that means. I’m a Nobody. I’m not meant to exist. I’m not meant to have you. I’m going to lose you if I don’t die first.” 

“How the hell can you even say that? We don’t know what happened, why would you speculate and just make yourself more miserable? I’m fine. We’re going to be fine, Roxas is going to be fine, so stop worrying and stop saying that shit about yourself. You’re the reason I’m alive. You pulled me out of my Gummi ship when it was on fire, you brought me to Sanae in Shibuya, you’re the reason I’m fucking sane right now, if it weren’t for you beside me at night, Axel, I’d be having panic attacks again, breakdowns again, nightmares all the time. You keep me tethered to reality. So, don’t you say you’re not meant to exist or to have me, because you already do have me, and you’re here in front of me right now, so what does it matter how it happened?” I snap.

“I sincerely doubt you’d be saying that if you were in this position right now, sweetheart.” He murmurs into my skin, and it’s so difficult to be agitated with him wrapped so perfectly around me, but somehow, I manage.

“Well, I think you’re wrong. I think I would.” I counter. Suddenly, it’s as though his whole body takes a breath, it’s as though he is debating, thinking long and hard about something, watching his words carefully before he uses them, rather than blurt something out the way I would. There’s an incredible apprehension about the very way he is holding himself right now. I wait, anticipating something climactic, but then he exhales, and I am certain his internal debate has washed away. “What?” I whisper. He kisses my shoulder, trying hard to pretend that moment didn’t happen.

“I don’t want to think right now, Rueki.” He murmurs, kissing up my neck.

“Come on, Axel, after all we’ve been through—”

“Fucking no, Rueki!” He snaps, and for the first time, I am shaken. Usually the roles are reversed and I’m the one shouting at him. But the force of his words echo around me. This doesn’t frighten me, but it does unnerve me. I become stiff underneath his touch, and to Axel’s credit he does realize he fucked up instantly. “Dammit. I’m sorry, Rueki, this just… I really don’t want to think about any of this right now. Please.” There’s a desperation I have never heard in his voice. I shift turning in his arms so that I am on my knees, facing him, his face held up in my hands.

“I pushed you. It’s kind of a thing I do. I’m sorry.” I mutter.

“I snapped at you, over something that isn’t your fault. You shouldn’t be sorry.” Axel shakes his head, even as it rests in my hands. My brow knits together as I lean forward, my forehead resting gently against his.

“We’re all we’ve got right now. Mistakes like this? They don’t matter. This, we can get over.” I insist.

“Now that sounds terribly, uncharacteristically optimistic of you, sweetheart.” He says.

“No.” I say. “Not optimistic, realistic. We’ve fought through much worse than this. I don’t like fighting with you anymore, but I know it’s water under the bridge. Because you’ve got me. And I’ve got you, and even if the rest of this fucking world is falling apart, I think of the sun, I think of wildfire, I think of your fingertips lighting flames against my skin, and suddenly everything feels right. And it’s so damn cheesy, but honestly, us fighting is the least of my concerns. Because I will always be there for you, to call you out on your shit, to watch over all of your favorite dreams, to keep you going when you need it most. It doesn’t matter what kind of fresh hell this world or any others cook up for us. We will get through it, as long as we’re together.” I assure him. Slowly, his hands come up and wrap gently around my wrists, thumbs stroking the back of my hands.

“You sound so sure of everything.” He murmurs. “The future’s not guaranteed.” He reminds me. Still, this doesn’t shake me.

“Yeah, I know. I guess it’s just that…” I mull over in my head, trying to find the right way to phrase this. “Regardless of warnings, the future doesn’t scare me at all.”

He pushes his lips down onto mine, sweetly, almost nervously as though he is utterly unsure. I meet him back with more resolve, deepening the kiss, closing my eyes and falling into him.

Suddenly, we’re back home again, in bed, my entire body on edge as I tear away from him and gasp for air.

“How the hell are you used to that? Come on dude, warn me!” I plead. He just chuckles and leans forward, pressing me back into the bed. He places both hands on either side of my head, and I sure cannot say I am upset about the view.

“Sorry, I just thought this was a more appropriate setting.” He breathes, his voice heavy, his eyes sparking. I know exactly what he’s trying at, and if this is how he wants to forget, I am all too happy to allow him this escape. I reach behind my back and unzip my top, and he wastes no time, pulling it off of me and discarding it beside the bed. 

He starts at me sweetly, teasingly, his fingertips gliding ever so gently down my abdomen. My stomach does a backflip that I’m certain he feels, because when I look at him, I seem him smirking, a dangerous glint in his eyes.

“All that and then some?” He teases, but I grab his hand roughly, pushing it lower. 

“I thought you didn’t want to think, why are you still talking?” I ask, breath hitching.

“Because I know what it does to you, sweetheart.” He nudges my jaw with his nose before pressing his lips to the hollow behind my ear.

“Shut up.” I mutter, but he’s right, and we both know it. He chuckles against my skin as his lips trail down my neck, so hot, so wet, I swear, steam could rise inside his kiss. I sigh, shifting beneath his touch, my leg locking around his waist, drawing him in closer. For a moment his hands withdraw and my eyes widen. “Hey!” I protest, but he silences me quickly, smashing his lips down onto mine. I open my mouth to suck in a breath I couldn’t even take in the first place, when his tongue invades my mouth, warm and demanding. His hands return to my body, now ungloved, flames flicking across the tips of his fingers. My toes curl and I moan into his mouth as he swirls his tongue around mine. He starts to pull away, only to wrap his lips around my tongue, pulling it slightly from my mouth. He does something I don’t expect, he sucks on my tongue and my body tightens with anticipation, his actions shooting thrills to the heat that begins to pool between my legs.

Finally, he pulls away, his eyes burning into mine, and I’m sure he’s delighted to find that I’m already gagging for it. 

“Let’s get you out of these.” His fingers start to walk down my abdomen, toward my shorts, flames kissing my skin.

“You’re such a fucker.” I sputter, though there is no malice in my tone, only the heaviness that comes with pure lust. Instead, I am utterly dizzy by the time he works me out of my shorts and panties and casts them aside as well. 

“You love me.” 

“I do.” I sigh as he slips his fingers down, brushing the lips of my cunt. think I hear him sigh too, in utter delight at my confirmation. The pad of his finger brushes teasingly across my clit. I suck in a breath, gripping his bicep tightly, which I feel him flex beneath my touch. Cocky fucker. I’m so turned on by him, it isn’t even funny. His fingers dip, a little lower, sinking past my folds and into my cunt. I’m wet for him, already, we both know this. He begins working at me, parting my folds, urging my legs further apart, and I am all too happy to oblige. While he pumps a finger in and out of me at a speed that takes my breath away, there is little he could ask that I would not give. I throw my head back, choking on the beauty of the wet, slamming sounds his finger makes as he pounds it into me, and then, slips in another. 

My hips shift, bucking upward, desperate to take more of him, anything he can give me, and before I know it, the sounds of my cries are filling the room. So needy, so hungry for him. His thumb pulses at my clit. purposeful, but gentle, tapping so lightly that I’m gripping at his back, nails biting past his coat, in no time. He growls, a low sound forming at the base of his throat, that I swear, I can feel reverberate inside of me. 

“That’s it, sweetheart. Just like that.” His praise is gospel to me, filling in the silence between my breathy moans. With the vigor of his movements, my wetness has spread, deliciously, down the tops of my thighs, toward my ass, and finally, with a quick swipe of his fingers, he brushes across my clit, and I jerk, a spasming orgasm shaking me so beautifully. This time, he presses his thumb against my clit, almost as though he is hoping to relieve some pressure, and I’m almost certain it sends shockwaves to my limbs. I’m catching my breath, as I come down, watching the man above me with a sinfully powerful love in my eyes.

“Take off your clothes.” I order, my legs twitching just a little. He grins.

“Was that for me?” He raises an eyebrow. Teasing bastard. He doesn’t want to think about anything? Fine, I’ll make sure that by the end of the night, his brain doesn’t work at all.

We are so distracted, so lost in one another that I forget that I left my boots on the beach until after the tide comes in and takes them away.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished Kingdom Hearts 3 today and holy shit, I haven't cried so hard over something in such a long time. Honestly, this game was so worth the wait. I'm not Tetsuya Nomura, obvi, but I'm willing to bet we'll get a KH4 and I PRAY that it doesn't take another fucking decade. Anyhow, guess who started working on the sequel for this fic today?

XLIII.

Almost three weeks after the incident in Hollow Bastion, Xemnas calls another meeting, again, at early as fuck o’clock in the morning. Like fuck, why can’t we just have meetings at noon, when everyone is actually alive? This meeting, however, is in a courtyard that I didn’t realize the Castle That Never Was, had. There’s a glass dome over the top of it, revealing the dark sky, beaming moon and pouring rain. There is no quaint charm to this courtyard, it doesn’t give me any sort of greenhouse vibes. Instead, I look around at the turf, uneven, made for different levels of combat. I look at the stadium seating, and I realize what this courtyard was made for. 

It’s a battlefield. 

But none of the other members look even the least bit disturbed by it as we all arrive, bleary eyed and tired as all hell. Demyx lays down, propping himself up with his hands behind his head. Xaldin leans against the stadium seats and Luxord sits atop a large rock, his head in his hands as he attempts to blink back sleep. Axel and I have our full weight against one another, coming together like a steeple, threatening to collapse if either of us make a wrong move. Xigbar is on the ceiling, sitting against it, knees bent, head in his hands. Saix and Xemnas appear, both looking at least a little exhausted, both of their eyes flicking up to the ceiling.

“Don’t worry about me. I’m just fine up here.” Xigbar says. Saix blinks, face wrinkled as though he just smelled something particularly unpleasant. Xemnas, however is much less shaken. In fact, he begins, looking at each of us as though we are waiting on his words with baited breath, and not half awake.

“Comrades,” He begins, like he begins every single meeting. “I have gathered you here today for a very specific cause. It is no surprise to any of us that we have lost our Key, our precious XIII. And of course, it seems that we are all aware now, of the initial plan, to use Kairi, the Princess of Heart, to turn Sora into a Heartless and retrieve Roxas. But with our heart collection ratio at an all time high, it has been decided. There is no reason to extract Roxas from Sora. Why, indeed, should we retrieve a heart from our comrade who has regained his? Would that not take away precious hearts from us, when we are finally able to fully form and release Kingdom Hearts.” It’s a logical statement, which in and of itself doesn’t feel right for Xemnas. I look at him, eyes narrowed, then to Saix, trying to asses who it was that came up with this plan. 

Axel shifts beside me, and with tired eyes, I look up at him. He’s got a hard set to his jaw, his eyes are staring at a blank point on the ground. What’s that about?

“Now that’s a plan I can get behind.” Demyx nods sleepily from the ground. “Sounds relaxing.”

“I sincerely doubt the Superior intends to sit around and allow you to do nothing.” Xaldin grumbles.

“Can’t get that lucky, Nocturne.” Xigbar cackles, and for a second, I forgot he was up there.

“Oh man.” Demyx mutters, and despite my exhaustion, I crack a smile at just how utterly Demyx he is.

“Of course, there is work that will need to be done on our parts. By each of us. Roxas, I believe is an unnecessary cause. Sora is determined to fight Heartless, to return their hearts to Kingdom Hearts. And even if he were to suddenly become resistant to our plans, Rueki has a hold on him, thanks to her empathy link.” I am quite uncomfortable with my name being mentioned at this meeting, and I know Axel is too, because now, he is standing completely upright, which forces me to as well. He crosses his arms to his chest and I see his fingers drumming against his arm—a bad case of pent up anxiety. There’s something about Xemnas’ words that make things feel quite final. I’m not a member of Organization XIII, I never have and I never want to be. And yet, I have a feeling he will have no qualms thrusting the duties of a member upon me completely. With the knowledge of my empathy link being public and my history of solo missions in the data Twilight Town, I believe his demands will know no limit. “That being said, although Roxas is inside of Sora’s vessel, I believe it is possible for him to regain control.”

“You’re referring to Roxas taking possession of Sora?” Luxord raises an eyebrow.

“That’s not even possible.” Axel shakes his head.

“It is a gamble indeed, that I agree with VIII on.” Luxord nods.

“And yet, it is a risk that we must take. Imagine the success we will be met with, if Roxas were sentient inside of Sora. If the boy bearing the Key could regain his lost memories of being a member of our Organization. He would be an unstoppable force, not only devoted to our cause but passionate. And still, we would not need to waste precious hearts on him, upon the completion of Kingdom Hearts. He would be a champion to our cause. Imagine, for a moment, if you will, the Keybearer himself, at our beck and call.” Xemnas says, and I can tell, in his voice that he truly believes he is painting a beautiful and inspiring picture for all of us. But I watch Demyx shift, Luxord clears his throat, Xaldin looks away, Xigbar pretends to be occupied by the ceiling and I know that I am not the only person who thinks the Superior sounds like an absolute maniac. I chew my lip, eyes flicking to Axel who, fuck, is still looking at the ground, a thousand ideas racing behind his eyes. I know him well enough at this point to be certain—something is disturbing him beyond compare. And now, he is plotting. “For the time being, we will begin intercepting the hero on his journey. Rueki, where are the Keybearer’s current whereabouts?” I think for a second, trying to visualize Sora’s surroundings.

“Some place called the ‘Land of Dragons’. Lots of snow, looks like it sucks.” Which probably means Axel and I are going to get stuck there. At least with my human space heater at my side, I’ll be in good hands.

“For the time being, we will allow him to pass through there peacefully, however, upon his departure, Xigbar, I will have you leave for this Land of Dragons and begin laying the bait that will surely prompt the Keyblade Master back. Xaldin, you are to resume your post within the Beast’s Castle. And Demyx, our Nocturne, you have a new mission now, in the Underworld.” Xemnas says. Demyx groggily blinks at him.

“What? Me?” He asks.

“Indeed. You are needed to retrieve the fabled Hero Stone.” Xemnas says, and I’m surprised Demyx seems to understand what it is, because I sure don’t.

“Why would we need that though?” He asks. “Isn’t that just for heroes?” 

“Do you not consider yourself a hero to our cause?” Xemnas asks. I swear, I literally see Demyx twitch. Finally, he sits up, eyebrow raised.

“I don’t get it though.” Demyx says. 

“Here I was, thinking we were the bad guys.” Axel speaks up and I look to him anxiously, fearing the retaliation. We are still on probation. But his gaze is blazing, he’s not happy about something and he’s not going to let anyone, least of all Xemnas, step on his tail. 

“Regardless of what moral alignment you consider yourself to have, it is undeniable that we would benefit from taking this stone from Sora. If he cannot utilize the powers this stone grants a hero, we will be able to easier go up against him. Even you can appreciate a fight where you have the upper hand, despite never having experienced that luxury yourself.” Saix snaps and Demyx recoils.

“Oh, come on, that’s not fair.” He mutters.

“If Demyx doesn’t wanna go, I’ll do it. After all, I’m the only one here who would be immune to whatever firepower Hades unleashes.” Axel shrugs, feigning nonchalance. I think to the others, he truly seems to just be making offhanded commentary, but to me, I know he isn’t. I know him well enough to see the mischief behind his eyes. Why does he want to get out of here so bad?

“How many times does the Superior need to hand out missions before any of you realize that they are not optional tasks to be passed off to others?” Saix snaps. “Truly, the idiocy—”

“Hey, you don’t see me complaining.” Xigbar says, and this time I jump a little as I look up and see him.

“Dude, why are you on the ceiling?” I ask. Xigbar just laughs like that is an appropriate answer. 

“The fact of the matter is that yes, Axel, you are immune to fire, but could do no damage to the god of the dead, if you had to. Demyx has the elemental advantage over him.” Xemnas says. Demyx looks at me, like he’s hoping I’ll pipe up in his defense, but I guess Xemnas’ logic does make sense in a twisted way. I don’t understand why he expects Demyx to fight for something will only be useful in one specific world. Really, a stealth mission seems it would be smarter for such a task, but I really don’t think Xemnas cares about logic right now. I was so terribly worried about Axel and I being eliminated for our insubordinate actions, never did I once consider that Demyx might be the next one on Xemnas’ chopping block. The thought nearly makes me sick. 

“You’ve got this, dude.” I nod, hoping my shit attempt at a pep talk at least makes him stop complaining long enough to understand the gravity of this situation. Clearly, everyone seems to understand that Xemnas is beginning to act quite strange, but I wonder if anyone else is as sure as Axel and I are, that the Superior is losing it. 

“Now, if there are no further concerns, I would like to call to attention the arena we are in.” Xemnas says.

“It’s been a hell of a long time since we gathered here.” Xigbar is suddenly on the ground, seated not far from where Xaldin is sitting. 

“Yes. Our combat arena has not gotten nearly as much use as I would enjoy, however, in light of our current success with heart collection, I came to the decision that nothing would benefit our group more than some friendly competition. To amp one another up.” Xemnas says. There’s an excited murmuring from the group and even I feel enticed by this possibility. Letting off some steam might be nice. Especially since this isn’t nearly as ‘life or death’ of a situation as the current missions seem to be. “Saix, I can think of no one better to begin this little friendly competition than yourself. Choose your opponent.” Xemnas encourages, and I don’t even hesitate. My eyes meet Saix’s and there’s a knowledge that passes between the two of us, an unspoken pull that would be magical if he wasn’t a complete asshole. Everyone else seems to understand the pull between the two of us, and they begin filing to the stadium seats. Even Axel allows me this, squeezing my hand before he departs.

“I did not explicitly pick you.” Saix states, and that’s true, he never said anything, but I am so burning to take out my pent up resistance on him.

“Are you saying you don’t want to take turns beating the shit out of each other?” I ask. He doesn’t argue with me, so I know I’m not wrong. Axel casts me an uneasy glance from where he sits, and it takes me a moment to realize that he wasn’t around the past couple times Saix and I fought. “What are the rules?” I ask.

“Do not maim or murder.” Xemnas says.

“A shame, truly.” Saix says. My eyes narrow. 

“Yeah, good luck catching me, dickhead.” I hiss. And that’s when I realize I have overshot my mouth, considering I am the only one here who cannot summon my weapon. My eyes go wide, but I think quick. With the snap of my fingers, I visualize a Dusk, inside mine and Axel’s room. ‘Retrieve my weapon and my belt’, I think, and in the blink of an eye, a Dusk shows up, carrying those two items, slinking from a dark corridor into the courtyard.

‘…is mistress pleased…’ the Dusk more says than asks, and with another snap of my fingers, I send it away, buckling my belt and strapping into Survivor.

“You’ve caught on quick to dark summoning.” Saix says. I shrug. “Have you considered why that is? What sort of darkness is lurking within you?”

“Because you never try to play head games with anyone.” I roll my eyes. “Stop talking, let’s go.” With that, Saix summons his weapon and looks up, to where the moon is beaming above us. Fuck.

Before he can get the chance to go Berserk, I charge, moving as fast as my legs will take me. I draw Survivor back and whip around, spinning in a circle as I slash at him. He easily blocks my attack, but with his attention up around eye level, I’m able to distract him long enough to land a kick in his midsection. He huffs and suddenly his eyes blaze. 

“Consider it a lucky strike.” He says.

“I’d rather be lucky that good.” I reply, and with that, I duck out of the way just in time for him to whirl his Claymore around. I hit the ground, rolling out of the way, fumbling for a grenade. It is then, using my preoccupation against me, that he strikes, slamming the blade of his sword down into my shoulder. I jolt, my body writhing as I scream. “Fucking cunt!” He pulls his blade out of me and I leap up, slamming a grenade to the floor as hard as I can. The force of the explosion knocks us both back, but I’m prepared. I sail through the air but land on my feet. The impact takes my breath away, but as quickly as I land, I try to fumble for a potion. I have no time though. Suddenly, Saix is charging at me, and he’s glowing. Fucking Berserk. 

With a battle cry worthy of a barbarian, his sword comes sailing in my direction. I have no choice but to take off sprinting, trying to assess the battlefield. My legs don’t take me fast enough though, before he slams his Claymore into me, and I go flying, as though I’m spring loaded. 

Time seems to move too slow and too fast all at once, but before I know it, I go sailing into the large rock that Luxord sat upon, and in a quick display of my reflexes, I flip and land on it, only sliding a little with the momentum. I go to slam the potion I now have at hand, when Saix leaps into the air.

“Dammit!” I shout, leaping down, taking off in a full blown sprint. This isn’t good. I’m not going to be able to penetrate his defenses while he’s going berserk. I’m not going to have a moment to even guzzle this potion. I need a distraction, desperately, or he is going to plow me down, which would not only be painful, but terribly embarrassing. No way in hell am I going to suffer a tragic defeat at the hands of this asshole, especially not in front of everyone. He’s a prick, he is an absolute dick. He treats my lover like a traitor and my best friend like a nuisance. I think of everything I have recorded about him in my pettiness journal, every time he pushed me too far and came out on top and I cannot let that replay. An idea forms as my lungs burn from all of the running. Wind whips at my face and he is closing in on me. This idea is stupid, unnecessary, probably not going to help.

But that’s kind of my thing at this point, isn’t it?

With the snap of my fingers, I summon a series of Dusks and come skidding to a halt, behind the wall they have created between me and Saix. They are clearly confused, unsure of what to do, which is no surprise, considering how utterly stupid they are.

‘…must protect mistress but cannot harm the Luna Diviner…’

‘…everything the moonlight touches belongs to him…’

‘…but how to appease him and mistress…’

“You’re an idiot.” Saix roars, though he cannot see me. I hear the sound of him tearing through the wall of Dusks with his Claymore as I search through my pocket. Come one, come the fuck on…Eye Drops. This will fucking do. Saix slashes, I hear fewer and fewer voices of Dusks behind me, as I load a Potion and the Eye Drops into Survivor. I pinch my eyes shut, trying to quickly center my energy. “The Dusks will not attack a member of the Organization, unless the Superior himself wills it! You foolish girl, you have done nothing but waste time!” He clears the wall of Dusks and I whip around, Survivor aimed at him.

“I know, that’s the point.” I say, and before he can move, Survivor fires off a Panacea, immediately softening his features. His teeth are less pointy, his scar less pronounced, his eyes as lifeless as normal, no longer bursting with rage. His glow disappears. His Berserk has been cured. My eyes light, a delicious glint as I roar, slamming the full weight of my attack into him. I feel like hell, I’m not up to snuff with what I could’ve been if I had the chance to heal, but Berserk has exhausted him, diminishing his defenses and his energy, and like hell if I’m not going to capitalize on that. In a barrage of kicks, punches, slashes, I manage to land a large series of blows that end with him grunting, choking, roaring. I slash Survivor straight across his throat, ever so lightly, not enough to cause massive trauma, just enough to leave a superficial wound. Just enough so that he knows what I am capable of. His pupils become tiny, and although he is not afflicted by Berserk any longer, I can tell, this has pissed him off. I feel so incredibly victorious though. When he leaps away, just far enough so that I am within the reach of his blade, and he knocks me back into the rock, the grin doesn’t wipe away from my features. Instead, we are at a standstill, looking at one another, me pulling a Hi-Potion out of my pocket to slam, him, touching the blood that trickles ever so slightly out of the wound I left on his neck. “Just a little something to make you think of me.” I say, and I hear a hysterical howl from the stadium seats. Xigbar? Axel? I’m utterly unsure, but I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought it was a clever thing to say. I’ve finished my Hi-Potion, when Saix comes charging. I leap up onto the rock as I load a Hi-Potion and a Luck Sphere into Survivor. He might no longer have super powers, but this doesn’t mean I can’t. 

In fact, I think that would be the perfect just desserts, and I fully intend to serve him.

My energy rockets out of Survivor and I feel like I am high. This is the rush of Dark Magic, but on steroids. This is a thousand cups of coffee on a perfect day. This is the surge of power that comes from taking down a difficult opponent. This is a Hero Drink, exactly what I need.

I jump down and with all of my might, I slam Survivor straight down onto him. Like a house of cards, the once mighty Saix folds, crumbling to the ground. I know I have seconds left of the Hero Drink’s effect, before it wears off and leaves me critically depleted, so I don’t waste a second. I kick him in the stomach, I punch him in the face. He stumbles backward, trying to regain his footing, a desperate look in his eyes. I sprint at him flying through the air, my legs wrapping around his neck in a flying triangle choke. I get him to the ground, land another punch, and the overpowered effect of the hero drink wears off. I literally fall straight off of him, hitting the ground with a thud, my legs curling away from him and into my chest.

I get the overwhelming feeling that I’m going to die. I can’t move. There’s no way, I try to find the energy to reach for another Hi-Potion or an Elixir. If I can just heal myself, I can finish him. And then, I realize, there is no need to finish him, which is marvelous, because I cannot muster up the will to slide my hand into my pocket. I pant, utterly broken on the ground, but he’s gasping for life too, eyes wide, body spent from the effects of Berserk. 

“If you think this is victory—” He begins.

“I think fuck you.” Is my incredibly well crafted response. 

“You are as stupid as you are—” But again, I cut him off. It’s hella easy to do when he has to huff between every word.

“I’m tired. What’s your excuse for using the same insults over and over again?” I mutter. We lay there, an utter heap, a fucking mess, when suddenly, a dark figure stands over me. I don’t even need to look into the person’s eyes to know who it is. “Stop acting like I can’t protect myself. I’m a badass. You don’t need to always be watching out for me.”

“You look half dead, sweetheart.” Axel scoops me up into his arms, as though I am a ragdoll, and I lean completely into him. 

“You should see the other guy.” I smirk, eyes flicking up to his. “Can you grab me an Elixir? I can’t really move my hands.” 

“I do see the other guy. It doesn’t count as winning if you kill yourself in the process, got it memorized?” Axel reminds me, but starts searching through my pocket, he quickly retrieves an Elixir, uncaps it and brings it to my lips. I’m able to swallow, but that’s about all I’ve got, until the Elixir is sufficiently finished. Almost immediately, I feel vibrant, alive, fully replenished, like I just got a nice nap. My wounds have closed up, though little white marks are left in their wake. Xigbar is beside Saix, hoisting him up.

“Little Rueki got you good, big shot.” Xigbar cackles, and again, I don’t think he gives a shit that we found our way to a stalemate. In fact, I think that is the least epic conclusion any battle can come to. However, I’m certain that he was, at the very least, entertained. II hoists VII up and hands him an Elixir. Saix grunts, eyes narrowed as he drinks his own Elixir.

“She’s a fool if she thinks that a stalemate, whilst high on alchemic mixes, counts as a victory.” Saix grumbles, as though I’m not even in the room.

“Yeah, because Berserk is real fucking fair.” I snap.

“Somehow, you always prove that you are infinitely more foolish than you look, a feat indeed.” Saix seethes. From where I am curled in Axel’s arms, I’m at a perfect angle to yank my boot off. I try to throw it at Saix, when Axel jerks me and I lose my momentum.

“You literally just had to buy another of boots!” He reminds me.

“I don’t care, this is a worthy cause!” I protest, weakly. He heaves a sigh and sets me down on my feet, just after I pull my boot back on. There’s a desperation in the way he touches me, as he sets a hand on my waist and kisses my forehead. It’s such a simple and chaste gesture, but I can feel an intensity behind it that screams volumes. 

“I’m proud of you, sweetheart. But count your blessings. Let’s go watch someone else get thrashed around.” And we do. I’m shocked by how much fun I’m having. Watching Luxord square up against Axel is a battle of wits that I am utterly unprepared for. Luxord certainly has time on his side, and uses it fully to his advantage, but Axel is nothing if not resourceful. Each time Luxord stops the field and hurtles a razor sharp playing card, Axel manages to dodge out of the way of the attack, just as time unfreezes. Dice, cards, they all go up in flames as VII claims an easy victory. Demyx and Xigbar make for an odd combination when it comes to battles, but I am pleased to find that Demyx holds his own for a damn decent amount of time. Xigbar attacks from afar, with perfect aim, and watching him battle is completely disorienting. No matter how many Water Clones Demyx sends in to wear Xigbar down, the man cannot seem to stay down. Upside down, arrow gun perfectly pointed, Xigbar claims his victory with a grin on his face. Finally, Xemnas requests that Xaldin close the ‘festivities’ with him, and it’s a display of raw power unlike anything I have ever seen before. I have not been on a mission with either I or III, but Xaldin is all brute force, just like he looks. Still, he is evasive in the extreme, riding the wind in the way that only an air elemental can, ducking out of the way of attacks that seem unstoppable. Xemnas, though, is exactly what I expect. He is ruthless, he barely flinches when an attack is landed—and truly, I don’t think Xaldin is holding back. With dual Ethereal Blades, he tears through the field, destroying so much in is wake. No matter how high the wind takes Xaldin, he always must come down, and when he does, Xemnas is more than ready to claim victory. 

For today, I get it, why no one, save for Roxas has left the Organization. If this is what the early days were like, I would be loyal too. Everyone seems to enjoy themselves, there is a sense of purpose, a sense of comradery. This is a beautiful break from the dark reality that encompasses this group, but all good things must come to an end.

We rise from the stadium seats to retreat to our rooms, each of us healed, but incredibly sore, when Xemnas gives us reason to pause.

“Today has been a delight that this Organization has not seen in too long.” Xemnas says. “Each of you have shown an impressive display of power. It has been too long since our ranks have contained such strong, core pieces. I think perhaps, the time may be coming soon, to officially induct a new member. Too many of our comrades have fallen. Numbers IV, V, VI, XI, XII, and XIII are no longer with us. I wonder, Rueki. Which number do you think you’d do justice, to assume?” 

My blood runs cold at the implications behind his words. Axel doesn’t want me to know this all powerful secret about my past, because of the control Xemnas will have on me. I’m not sure what it is, but I know the second he assigns me a number, he will place me under his thumb and press until I either crumble or am whipped into shape. This offhanded comment is not a pleasant one. It’s not a safe one. 

Before I have a chance to respond, Axel grabs the top of my arm and yanks.

“Come on, Rueki.” He hisses, and though there is ice in my blood, I am certain his boils. For all of his efforts are being met with a great slap in the face. He’s done everything that Xemnas has asked him to do and when he hasn’t, he’s brought back even better solutions. Despite the fact that Roxas will not be rejoining any longer, what we presented to Xemnas was a damn good plan. And now, if Xemnas tries to induct me, all of his efforts will be for naught. 

He storms, hand still wrapped around my arm, back to our room. I don’t know why he doesn’t just teleport, but I have a feeling it has something to do with a desperate need to expel energy. I have to jog to keep pace with him and am nearly out of breath by time we’re safely in the confines of our room and he slams the door shut behind us.

“We have to get out of here.” I rasp. His grip on my arm tightens. I wince, wondering if bruises will be left in the shape of his fingerprints. He releases me from his hold and storms away, running his hands through his hair.

“No, we just need to move up the timetable for kidnapping Kairi and turning Sora into a Heartless.” He mutters, a deadly focus in his gaze as he paces around the room. I can see in his eyes how badly he wants to take out the frustrations on the furniture, and I totally get it. 

“Xemnas said we didn’t need to do that anymore. Now Roxas can keep being whole, Axel, we’re good, we got out of that. Now you and I just need to get out of here!” I insist.

“We do that, and we’ll end up a hell of a lot worse off than Roxas! Rueki, we can’t just leave, not while the Organization is around. Xemnas needs to be taken down. He’s already turned someone I cared about, and forced away someone else. I’m not fucking losing you.” He snaps.

“What’s the point in getting Roxas back?” I ask.

“More people on our side. That’s why I couldn’t go along with your plan the first time, but you, me, Roxas and Sora up against Xigbar, Xaldin, Saix and Xemnas? That’s a safe bet. That’s something we can make happen.” Axel nods.

“What about Demyx and Luxord?” I ask.

“Turn them. Do whatever it takes to get them on our side, Rueki, or at least ask them to disappear for a little while. Dem will for sure. Luxord might too if he thinks it’s the smart choice, appeal to his logic, just get them out of here and we’ll be fine.” Axel assures me, whipping around to look at me.

“Why is this all on me?” I ask.

“Because I need to go get Kairi. And you’ve got to stay here.” He says.

“Oh the hell I do! You’re not going without me, I’m your partner, we’re in this together or not at all!” I say.

“And we are in this together, but Rueks, we’ve got to play this smart. We need both of us working this from both angles. I saw how you fought today, I know what you’re capable of. You can more than hold your own here for a little while when they figure out I’ve deserted. You can do this Rueki, I need you to.”

“Dude, come on!” I protest, but he silences me by smashing his lips to mine. The sheer force clacks our teeth together and I have to grip his arms tightly to remain stationary. His mouth on mine is so incredibly distracting, but I have the good sense to push him off, though now, he grabs the tops of my arms, holding me steady.

“I won’t be gone long.” He promises.

“It doesn’t matter, you can’t just spring this one me!” I plead. “I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do!”

“But you can do this, Rueki!” You can’t trust anyone, you’ve got to keep your head down, keep your mouth shut about where I am. I will be back as soon as I can, and then, we’re out of here. We’ll get Roxas back, we’ll use Kairi to get Sora back, and then it will be you, me and two Keyblade Masters. We’ll take Xemnas down, got it memorized?” He says, with utter urgency in his voice, his eyes wide and blazing, like a madman. “But you’ve got to stay here, where you’ll be safe. If you’re here, they’ll think I’m coming back. You’ll be able to cover for us, bide us time. If you come with me, they won’t hesitate in chasing us down. They’ll get to us and finish us off before we can even put our plan into motion. Rueki, I saw you fight Saix today, and damn if I wasn’t impressed by what I saw. You’re smart as hell, don’t forget that. And don’t let anyone screw with your head. Stay alive, whatever it takes. Don’t let onto our plan, and if I don’t get back to you before they start at you, don’t hesitate to kill any of them. Can you do that for me, baby?” 

I’m shaken by him. There, with his hands grasping me, I feel so impossibly small, weak, unable to do anything. He’s asking me nearly the same thing he did in Castle Oblivion, when it came to Larxene and Marluxia, however, this time, I would be up against more than double the foes. But now, I know the answer, because I know he’s right. This needs to be done. Whatever plans Xemnas has in store for me, I am sure they will be deadly. We cannot let them come to fruition.

“Yes.” My simple answer is enough to make him slam his lips into mine once more, but I am ready for the crash. I meet him with a force, and intensity that I feel could shake the world. Instead, when he pulls back, I’m the only one shaking, my heart hammering so loud, I wonder if he can hear it. “How much time do we have?” 

“Not much.” He says. Like flipping a switch, I tear my arms away from his hands, to throw them around his neck. I leap, my legs locking around his waist, and he catches me quickly, a growl emanating from his throat. He tears the zipper from my shirt down and tosses the garment aside, his teeth at my neck, grazing, nipping, ravishing. I cry out, a grunt of a moan and arch myself into him. I struggle with his zipper and yank it as far down his chest as I can in this position. Axel wheels around and quite literally tosses me onto the bed. I recoil against the springs of the mattress and make a small huffing sound before he descends on me, his coat and boots now cast to the wayside. I kick my own shoes off as he straddles me, his lips slamming down onto mine. We’re all tongue and teeth as we kiss, wet, hot, needing. Everything feels like it is crashing to an end and if I can cling a little tighter to him, this moment will become our permanent reality, I am sure of it.

With heated movements, I start undoing his pants and he starts helping me out of my shorts. We cast aside bottoms and undergarments and when we are fully unclothed, he brings his weight down onto me and lays us down, bodies flush with one another. I wrap my legs around his waist and we break apart, gasping for air, hot breath mingling between the two of us. I am dizzy from the kiss.

Without patience, he drags himself across my entrance, savoring in the fact that I am already wet for him. High on adrenaline, drunk off of his touch, my whole world feels hazy, other than the sensation of the head of his cock brushing my clit. I grunt, shifting my hips forward, bucking them against him. He groans, clutching me tight, but only grinds against me, won’t offer me any relief. 

Languidly, he slides up and down my pussy, my wetness spreading with his movements, bumping my clit, nudging just slightly against my slit, rocking his hips until my legs fall away from his waist and are spread desperately apart. I’m begging for him now, so keen to have every inch he’ll give me, and it’s right there with me on the edge, that he flips like a switch and frantically crams his cock into me.

There’s no hesitation, suddenly he’s buried to the hilt and I gasp, lurching upwards. He wraps his hands through my hair as he snaps his hips into mine. His pace is brutal, and each time I think I can take a breath, he hammers into me, harder, faster, fucking me deeper and deeper. Snaking a hand beneath the small of my back, he pulls me impossibly closer, the flush of our bodies as they move, sweat slickened against each other adds an entirely new sensation, something sweeter, gentler, a beautiful contrast to how he pounds me. 

I feel the exquisite tickle of flames on his fingertips, as his hand dances across my lower back. Barely a whimper escapes my lips before his meet mine, silencing me. I make small, pathetic noises as he kisses me with a ferocity that feels like the first time. Like he’s so desperate just to touch me, just to have me. Flames dance as he slides his hand down my ass, grasping it roughly. I throw my head back, my body jolting.

“Axel!” I cry out his name. 

“Fuck, Rueki, look at you.” He chokes, pressing his forehead, to mine. My hands find purchase in the muscles of his back as I try to commit him to my memory. I have him memorized, I have for so long, but if he’s going to be gone, even for a short amount of time, I want to remember every detail of this. The way he tastes, how hot his skin is, the way he looks at me, dizzy with desire for me and only me. 

It’s like this, his eyes locked onto mine, intense and utterly mesmerized, that an orgasm shakes me. I shiver and shudder against him, warm and wilting. “Dammit, baby, I’m right behind you. Fuck.” He chokes, and he does follow me, his face contorting as he cries out. 

After riding his orgasm out, he falls limp against me, his arms locking underneath my waist.

“I love you Rueki. I love you so fucking much. I’m gonna make this right for us baby, I swear I am.” He murmurs, burying his face in the curve of my neck.

“I love you too. And I know you are.” I whisper.

“No, you don’t fucking get it. Everything I’ve put you through, it’s all going to be okay, I’m going to turn it around. I’m going to fix this Rueki, got it memorized?” 

I do, and I spend the rest of the night memorizing him.

I wake in the morning, screaming from nightmares of Zexion’s hands around my throat.

I know he is gone before I even turn to look at the empty space in bed beside me.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanna do a Q&A thing at the end of this story. Drop some questions for me in the comments, it can legit be about anything. About this story, about what future stories hold, about writing in general, about Kingdom Hearts. I love getting the chance to interact with you guys, and I've got a pretty strong feeling that with how this story ends, you'll have questions.

XLIV.

Saix is the first one to confront me. Unsurprising.

I’m lying on my back, in the lounge type area—which is apparently called the Grey Area, not that that’s important—on a couch and reading when he skulks into the room, like a wild animal, eyes narrowed into slits as they find me.

“Where is he?” I know exactly who he’s talking about, but I don’t give a quarter of a shit. For once, I do exactly as I’m told. I play dumb.

“The Keyblade Master? A place called…Timeless River?” I ask, looking into my empathy link. “Looks like the Heartless suck there. Grossly overpowered. You should go there sometime. Try not to get killed.” I smile, sickly sweet at him, but that does not deter Saix in the slightest.

“Not the Keybearer, you pompous waste of energy. Axel.” He corrects. I shrug, settling back into my book.

“I dunno. He said he had some things he had to do. I’m pretty sure he’s off getting me flowers or something, he really pissed me off the other night, wanna hear about it?” I ask, an utter deadpan. It’s a relatively good lie, I think. I mean Axel and I do love to push each other’s buttons. And this would shut anyone else in the Organization down.

“He has other tasks to attend to than pretending to be infatuated with you.” Saix rolls his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I thought he was one of the few that wasn’t assigned to go harass Sora?” I raise an eyebrow. “Pretty sure you don’t need to be up his ass today.”

“Perhaps you don’t understand the importance of this, but the Superior has requested his audience.” Saix says.

“Oh, yeah, real tempting, considering you wanted to turn him into a Dusk not too long ago. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to talk to you if I were him. Scratch that, I just don’t want to talk to you. Bye.” I twiddle my fingers, but this apparently is not the right move. He grabs me by my jaw and lifts me up off of the couch, my legs dangling in the air. 

“Where is he, girl?” He seethes.

“I don’t know, put me down you fucking dick.” I flail, accidentally punching him square in the face. Accident or not, it is satisfying as all hell, and effective. He drops me to the ground and I rub my jaw, making a face at him.

“You truly expect anyone here to believe that?” He asks.

“It’s not a lie.” And it isn’t, technically. He only left a few hours ago, he might very well have captured Kairi and be on his way to finding Sora. Doubtful, but he might’ve already made good progress. “We fought, he left. I’m sure he’ll be back tonight, but you know me, I’m a useless whore, I’m really good at getting on my knees. He’ll probably be pretty distracted by me sucking his dick. You might have to take a rain check on your meeting.” I offer him a petty look. He rolls his eyes, face pulled into a sneer.

“Be warned, if Axel has deserted, he will pay the price.” Saix mutters, turning away from me.

“Oh calm your tits, it’s one fucking day.” I snap as he storms down the hall. 

Come on, Axel. Make this count.

\--

Xaldin comes at me next, which seems an aggressive tactic, but I suppose that’s the point. The following day, he grabs me by the arm, the second I am inside, still soaking wet from my Heartless wrangling adventures with Demyx.

“The fuck, dude?” Is my protest and I look, desperately to Demyx, who nearly recoils in on himself.

“Sorry, Rueki!” He calls out. “I’m not the guy for rescue missions.”

“You’re a dick!” I call back to him as Xaldin drags me down the hall, even with my heels dug into the floor, I am no match for his brute strength. I’m almost certain his fingers are going to bruise me. “What is your problem?” I ask him.

“Problem?” He raises one of his insane eyebrows. “I have nothing of the sort, girl. The Superior has requested your audience and demands answers.”

“To what? Can’t he just walk up to me and go ‘Rueki, where is Sora?’ Like, I’m not a monster, you can ask me a question like a normal person, and so can he. You don’t need to beat me into submission every time you want something from me.” He stills in the hall and I come skidding to a stop. I have to rock back to steady myself, and when I do, I find that he is meeting me with a penetrating gaze. He doesn’t chill me the way Saix does, not by a long shot. And anymore, Saix mostly just pisses me off. Xaldin, however, radiates power. He doesn’t need to tell me that I don’t stand a chance against him, I already know this. 

“Whatever information the Superior has called you for is not my business, however I am certain that the whereabouts of the Keybearer are not his concern, but rather, the whereabouts of VIII.” Xaldin says, in a voice so deep, I swear it rumbles. I chew on the inside of my cheek, trying to look as expressionless as possible. Fuck. They’re already determined to find Axel, more so than either of us expected, I think. I knew they’d be on my case to find him, but I thought I’d have a little more time. I remember his words, Axel imploring me to do whatever it took to stay alive, even if it meant ending the lives of every single member here. And I meant what I said to him, that I would try my hardest not to let him down. I’ll fight, I’ll run, I won’t think twice about ending anyone here, not even my friends if they turned on me. But I look at Xaldin, and I pray that this isn’t the moment that I have to test my strength. Against him, my abilities are meek at best, I know. Axel’s got to work quickly, he’s got to get Kairi before anyone gets wise. He needs to come and fucking save me. I know time flows differently between worlds, a fact Luxord told me of, in passing, but damn, I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out if they’re already sending in the big guns. 

“I don’t know where he is. We had a fight.” I say, my voice small but steady.

“There is not a single one of us here that believe that. You and VIII were already dramatic in the presentation of your sham of a relationship.” Fuck you, it’s not a sham…

Why does that word bother me so much? The numbing fog creeps across my brain and relaxes me more than I have a right to be in this situation

“Not a single being here believes he would simply disappear, rather than behave like an animal in heat, as an attempt to settle your squabbles.” He says.

“Regardless of what any of you wants to assume about me or him, the fact remains, I have no idea where he is. So, if that’s the only reason Xemnas wants to see me, is to interrogate me, he’s out of luck. Trust me, I want Axel to come home more than any of you.” I remind him, and that’s not a lie. 

Xaldin looks at me once more with an unreadable expression before saying,

“Such emotions are useless and only cloud judgement. You’d do best to cast aside your loyalties.” With that, he drags me down the hall so that Xemnas can tell me to imprint thoughts of Twilight Town into Sora’s mind.

\--

“You know, Rueki, you should run away from here.” Demyx tells me one day, as we sit in his room. I’m in a chair at the edge of the room, legs tossed over one of the arms as I read the same line in a book over and over again, trying to get my mind to focus on something other than Axel. Axel, Axel, Axel, where the fuck is Axel? If my thoughts aren’t on him, they’re on my nightmares, which have started back up and then some since his departure three days ago. It is as if they were being repressed, bubbling under the surface, quelled by his presence alone, and it’s always the same dream. 

A little girl with blonde hair, green eyes and a terrible cowlick runs through the streets of a darkened world. She screams, tears rushing down her face. She pauses and then, with peril that makes me nauseous, cries out ‘don’t leave me, Lea!’. She holds the body of a boy in her arms, a hollow where his heart should be. She watches the light fade out of his eyes and looks up just in time to see a Neo Shadow descend upon her.

I wake up shrieking every night. It takes nearly an hour to calm me back down every single night. No more Axel, no more Roxas. I adore Demyx, but he’s not going to stay up and hold my hand through the night the way Roxas did. And no one is going to come close to filling Axel’s shoes. I wish he would just hurry, before I lose my mind. It seems like a race, at this point, with the way my mental state is now deteriorating. I catch myself thinking back to the days when I thought I needed to be less codependent on Del and Amaya. They have nothing on how intertwined my emotions have become to Roxas and Axel. The ones that I truly need to survive. 

“I wish.” I snort to Demyx, thinking this is a half assed attempt at conversation, as he strings his sitar. 

“No, like, seriously.” He mutters, and I look up, eyes flickering to his. There’s a nervous energy, simmering beneath the surface of who he is. He wants to say something, but cannot find the words. He wants to act, but without a heart, cannot find the motivation. I close my book completely and set it on the floor, eyes intense as I look at him.

“Dude, what happened?” I ask. He shakes his head.

“It’s nothing. It’s just…do you really think Xemnas is gonna be too happy with Axel when he gets back? He’s been gone for three days without notice. We were sent on a manhunt for Roxas and he’d only been gone half a day.” Demyx reminds me.

“I’m not fucking abandoning Axel so—”

“Oh, come on, I’m not trying to fight.” He sighs, shaking his head. I sigh, biting my lip, too exhausted to argue further. “Xemnas wanted me to ask you where Axel is. I already pretended I did and said you didn’t know, I knew you weren’t gonna give him up.”

“Then what are you—”

“Rueki, am I still your friend?” He asks. Without a doubt, I know the answer.

“Of course you are.” I say.

“Then I need to tell you something that’s been eating at me. I think a lot of what Xemnas has been saying doesn’t make a lot of sense. I really think he’s losing it. And I know everyone thinks I’m a weakling and an idiot, but I dunno, maybe I am. I’ve just been thinking a lot lately though.” He heaves a gigantic sigh and looks away from me for just a second. “I’m gonna sound crazy.” He says.

“I always do, too.” I remind him. He cracks a smile at this, but it doesn’t touch his eyes.

“Rueki. What if we have hearts? What if we all do? What if Xemnas has just been lying to us this whole time to get us to do his bidding?” The words hit me so hard that I get out of the chair and cross the room to where Demyx sits in bed. I take a seat at the foot of his bed, staring at him with wide eyes. “I sound nuts, don’t I?” He asks.

But this might be the sanest thing anyone has ever said to me.

\--

I’m being baited. I know I am. What better way to wave something under someone’s nose?

The door to the throne room is cracked open, I am passing by and I hear my name. Fuckers. They know I can’t resist that sort of call.

I have no idea how Xemnas knows I am nearby, The Castle That Never Was is massive, there’s no way he can sense my presence, I’m not a Nobody. But somehow, he has this sort of omniscience. I bite my lip and hold my breath as I hear my name uttered and pause just outside of the doors. 

“She’s a liability at best and a danger at worst. She is in no way, shape or form fit. Empathy link or not.” Saix’s voice, which makes my blood boil. Whatever he’s saying, fuck him.

“Oh, come on. The girl’s feisty. And that face will give us a leg up over Sora. His friends have always been his weakness. No way will he be able to face off against her.” Xigbar insists, and I prickle. Who the hell is in this meeting? Xemnas and Saix, I would’ve expected, but is this a whole Organization thing? 

“She sparred with him inside of Castle Oblivion, if Axel’s reports are to be trusted.” Saix spits.

“Yeah, but I don’t trust the pyromaniac as far as I can throw him. He’s had his own agenda for who even knows how long now. I don’t even know if little Rueki has any idea what he’s planning.” Xigbar says.

“True, he is clearly comfortable withholding secrets from her, but I still believe she could be an asset. The final vessel. Even with our best laid plans, we have still fallen short. Imagine what she could be capable of, the direct link to the Keyblade Master, with darkness free flowing through it.” Xemnas sounds off and it chills me most of all.

“Why not just teach her now? Get started early? She’s gotten pretty cozy with the darkness. I think she’s got it in her to really flex her powers.” Xigbar says.

“You’d have someone so utterly rash in charge of such an important task?” Saix balks.

“Oh man, I get it, you hate her and all, but doesn’t it get a little boring, being so one note all the time?” Xigbar laughs. “If she can play to our advantage, why wouldn’t we pull her strings?”

“Superior, please. She is nothing more than a petulant child. And, as you have stated plenty of times before, she is utterly weak when it comes to matters of the heart. She is not equipped for a task of this magnitude.” Saix insists.

“She must be tested, that is certain. Her loyalties are weak, without a doubt. However, we know she is plenty strong of will, or she wouldn’t be here now. As for her strength of body, that is still left to be tested.” Xemnas says.

“Allow me to, Superior. Please.” Saix nearly begs.

“Ha, now that’s not a bad idea. If she can handle you going Berserk, she’s worth it.” Xigbar agrees. 

“I agree, Rueki must be tested. For there is no sense even developing her talents further if she will not use them in our favor. The secrets of her past will come to fruition soon, I have no doubt.” Xemnas says. “If she proves herself worthy, we will finally realize the plans that have been made so very long ago, by the wisest version of myself. Finally, our purpose is within reach.” 

I take off sprinting down the hall, trying to put as much distance between myself and the throne room as possible.

Demyx might have been right. Maybe I do need to run.

Axel, where the hell are you?

\--

I have just gotten out of the shower when Xigbar teleports into my room. A brave move, but thank Twilight I’m wrapped in a towel still. My hair hangs, limp and dripping down the very subtle rise of my breasts. I clutch the towel a little tighter. 

“Does no one in this castle give a quarter of a shit about privacy?” I snap, eyes narrowing. Xigbar laughs.

“Whoa, whoa. Temper, temper little Rueki.” He waves his hands as though that will ease my annoyance. I raise an eyebrow at him as his visible eyes drifts over the boxy shape of my body through the towel. Yeah, I’m sure I look terribly sexy for a drowned rat.

“Have you ever thought of knocking? It might piss people off a little less.” I inform him, curtly. 

“Come on kiddo, everything’s covered up this time, what are you so embarrassed about?” He teases, making me somehow feel much more exposed.

“What do you want then, that was so important that you decide to come popping in here out of nowhere?” I ask, mouth pulled into a pout.

“As if. You trying to tell me you don’t already know what I’m here for?” And jeez, for someone with one eye, it sure is covering a lot of ground, zeroed in on me, like he’s sighting the scope of a rifle. A shiver rakes through my body and a grin pulls at his lips, revealing canine like teeth. Have they always been that fucking sharp? “Xemnas wants to know where your little boyfriend disappeared to. Been six days already and he’s still MIA.” 

“In case you missed it, Xemnas didn’t hand out any missions to Axel. Maybe he just wanted to take a couple days to himself. I’m sure he’ll be back soon.” I wave him off the way I waved off Demyx, Xaldin and Saix already. Xigbar’s smirk falls away a little, but he still looks too smug for his own good. Hhe sets one hand on his hip. 

“You really think anyone believes that?” Xigbar laughs. I shrug.

“Doesn’t matter. I flat out don’t know where he is, you think I’d just let him ditch me and not try to run off after him if I actually knew where he was?” I ask. Xigbar seems to ponder this for a moment, setting his other hand underneath his chin.

“Now that, I don’t disagree with.” He nods. “Twilight knows the two of you are about as codependent as they come.” 

“So, tell Xemnas to piss off.” I say. “And like…learn to knock, dude.” 

“Oh, come on, how could I have known you were just getting out of the shower?” He asks. I squirm, uncomfortable, because something in his tone tells me he knew exactly what he was doing. Whether or not his technique was just to make me feel awkward as hell or if he’s just being a horny asshole, I’m not sure, but I don’t love it either way. “No need to get a tude with me, just cuz the pyromaniac isn’t here to warm your bed.” 

“Yeah, well.” I shift my weight, still keeping my towel close. “Tell your fucking boss that if I’m being patient, so can he. Twilight knows I miss Axel a hell of a lot more than anyone else here.”

“You know, I think I’ve got a way to help you with that.” He says. I raise an eyebrow. “Your bed is cold, mine’s not. Why don’t you come join me in it sometime?” Even with only one eye visible, I can tell he is winking at me. I go red from head to toe, feeling more exposed than ever.

“Get the fuck out of here.” I snap at him, my heart hammering.

“Okay, okay!” He laughs, putting his hands up defensively. “Can’t blame a guy for trying.”

“You’re old enough to be my father.” I remind him.

“Hey, if you wanna call me ‘daddy’, I won’t tell you no.” He grins. I grab my pettiness journal off the top of my dresser and chuck it at him. He quickly opens up a portal and disappears through it before my journal smacks him.

It would’ve been a shit hit, but at least I proved my point.

\--  
Luxord corners me when Axel has been gone for exactly a week. I am weary. Sleep is not something that comes easy to me. I nearly leap out of my own skin when his hand comes into contact with my shoulder. A scream pools at the base of my throat and I know he realizes he has done wrong when his eyes meet mine. 

“I mean no harm, love.” He insists, tearing his hand away from me. He holds both up, palms facing me in a defensive gesture. My pulse settles a little. I bite my lip and nod.

“Sorry.” I shake my head.

“Nightmares, again?” He asks. I shrug, because honestly, what does he care? This might be the first bit of one on one time we’ve had since he baited me into killing a man in Transmute City. He can’t do that and then just start playing my friend again. I don’t buy it. I curl my lips into a pout and cross my arms to my chest as I look at him. For a moment, it almost seems as though this saddens him. Just a moment though, because I know him, I know he’s convinced that he doesn’t have a heart. And unlike the man I am desperately waiting for, I sincerely doubt the gambler believes it isn’t the end all be all when it comes to emotions.

“You’re not really asking me. I know I’ve woken everyone up with the screaming. But Roxas is busy being inside of Sora and Axel isn’t here, I don’t know what you expect from me.” I sigh, running a hand through my hair. I realize, with a jolt, that the feeling of my fingertips brushing my scalp is the only positive physical contact I’ve had all week and I shudder. I need Axel to come back. I miss him. I am going to crumble without him. Luxord makes a move to reach out, but seems to think the better of it and stops himself. 

“Am I not allowed to express concern, Rueki?” He raises an eyebrow. I scoff.

“I think we both know the answer to that.” A heavy silence hangs between the two of us. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

“Alas, whether you trust me or not, I come to you with only your safety in mind.” He says.

“I don’t believe that.” I say, flatly.

“This, you might.” He says. “The Superior is quite displeased with your beau’s disappearance. If he is not back within the next twenty four hours, he will be branded a traitor and will be wanted dead. If you are able to relay a message to him, now would be the time to do so.”

“I don’t know where he fucking is, I wish people would stop asking me, do you think I’d be here still if I did? I can’t sleep, I’m a fucking train wreck, Saix picked me up by my throat a week ago, I’m not exactly living the dream.” I snap at him, throwing my hands up. It’s unfair that he’s getting the brunt of this frustration, but I suppose it isn’t the cruelest thing one of us has ever done to the other. Maybe I was meant to even the playing field. 

“I am quite aware of that, which was why I didn’t ask.” He says, slipping his hands into the pockets of his coat. He frowns as he regards me. “It is an unsafe time to be a part of Organization XIII. I truly mean it when I say, I wish you luck.”

\--

“Don’t leave me, Lea!” I wake up, screaming, still in my clothes, still wearing my boots. I didn’t mean to fall asleep, I must’ve sat down in bed and passed out from exhaustion. The bed is cold, I don’t know if it is terribly late or incredibly early, but this time, as I clutch my chest, trying to calm the anxiety, someone stands in my room. My eyes fly around to where Xigbar stands, at the corner of the room, reading my pettiness journal. I’m barely awake, but conscious enough to be irritated. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I snap.

“Coming to collect you, kiddo.” Xigbar grins at me, setting my journal back atop the dresser. “This is funny shit.” He gestures to where the journal now rests, beside Survivor and my item belt. At least I was conscious enough to take those off before bed. That would’ve sucked to sleep in. 

“Didn’t I tell you to have some courtesy and knock?” I ask, my body trembling. “Or at least have the fucking decency to wake me up when I’m very clearly having a nightmare!” My voice has a note of hysteria to it, and I know he can sense it.

“Oh, come on. I hear you screaming for someone named Lea not to leave you, I’m intrigued. Who is Lea, Rueki? Do you actually know?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Fuck you.” Is my response.

“And here I was, trying to make small talk. Okay, no more mister nice guy.” He says, and with that, he comes over to my bed, grips my arm, and suddenly, we’re teleporting. My stomach lurches. I clutch Xigbar for dear life as the miserably jolting feeling tears through my body. Unfortunately, he is the only solid thing at the ready. I’m panting as we stand at the doors of the throne room, my eyes wide, searching.

“What are we doing here?” I ask.

“Superior wants to talk to you, little Rueki.” He says. “Have fun.” When I do not immediately detach myself from him—honestly, Xigbar frightens me infinitely less and in my frantic state, I do not want to leave his side to crawl to Xemnas—he sets his hand on my back and leads me into a pitch black room.


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a graphic torture scene...  
> If that bothers you, definitely skim for dialogue

XLV.

“Where is he?” The words ring out before the room is even lit, and though I cannot see anything, I now suddenly do not feel Xigbar standing beside me. My breath catches in my throat.

“Can we not do this?” My words sound meek, even to me, a weak attempt at deflecting. Xemnas will sniff out my fear and use it against me, I know. “I don’t know where Axel is, do you think I’d be here now if I did?”

“I think VIII has finally turned his back on you and left you here to die. He simply does not have to heart to carry the burden that is attached to you.” Xemnas’ voice again.

“A shame. If he intended to leave you here to rot, he should’ve just washed his hands of you in Castle Oblivion, as we ordered.” The voice makes my blood run cold. Saix.

The lights in the room illuminate, and from the soothing darkness, the sterile, white light blinds me. I blink, squinting my eyes as I adjust.

“So just kill me and get it over with.” And I only say this because I know he won’t. I’ve gotten far too good at playing with fire, at making a gamble that no one else would. I hold my breath as I look up at the two men with steely eyes. 

“You foolish girl. You’re no value to us dead, anymore.” Xemnas informs me. I look up, seeing he and Saix in their respective thrones, I freeze when I meet Saix’s eyes. Usually blank and cold are now cruel, lit by…

The light of the moon through the now open window.

I swear I can feel my stomach drop. My mouth goes dry and I look to Xemnas.

“I don’t know where he is, but send me out on a mission with anyone, I want to find him too, just as much as you guys do. We’ll bring him back, use me if you have to, I’ll remind him that my life is in his hands. He’ll come with me.” I urge, trying so hard to sound persuasive.

“You misunderstand. We have no intention to allow Axel back into our ranks. He is a traitor. Choosing you over listening to our orders, choosing Roxas over orders time and time again. Deserting. Did you really think he could get by without consequence?” Saix asks. “Or that you could do the same, for that matter?”

For once, I am without an answer.

“Th-then what do you want from me?” I stutter in time with the skipping beat of my heart.

“The two of you were informed that you would pay the price for his disloyalty. It’s time to pay.” Saix is suddenly standing in front of me, and before I can blink, his hand wraps around my throat and he throws me against the base of the closest throne, my head smashing again the porcelain. My vision goes white. I blink back spots, drawing a shaky breath as I feel his hand tighten around my throat.

“I don’t know where he is!” I choke. “Dammit! Why would I want to be here with any of you if I knew where to find him?”

“I know Axel better than anyone, certainly better than you. He wouldn’t have gone anywhere without telling someone. Especially someone he could brag about a plan to. It’s not in his nature to be anything but obnoxious.” Saix sneers, not loosening his grip on my throat. I knew their friendship had faded, but now I am certain that whatever love was once there between the two of them, is now lost completely. Thrown to the wayside, and I am there to clean up the mess. Well fuck Saix if he thinks he’s getting anything out of me. I try to pry at his hands but he slams my head back against the throne again and I whine, attempting to shake off the pain.

“Fuck you.” I spit. Like a ragdoll, he tosses me to the ground, boot stomping down onto my chest as my back smashes into the floor. I chomp down on my lip so hard that the metallic taste of blood fills my mouth. I grab at his ankle, as quickly as I can possibly manage, and given his unbalanced state, I’m able to throw him off of me, knocking him to the ground. I wish I had Survivor, I wish I had the belt with my weapons pouch, I wish I had something to fight back with, but I don’t. So, I jump up and sprint, moving as fast as my legs will take me, so fast that my speed whips against my eyes. I don’t get far before I feel a hand grab the back of my hair and spin me with such force that I smash against the base of yet another throne. Saix bunches up my hair and uses it as leverage to smash my face, once, twice, again and again into the throne. I hear a loud crack and the pain in my nose is enough to take my breath away. My lips are almost instantly wet. I see blood, standing out in deep crimson against the white floor, as it drips down my face.

I draw in a breath, shaky and sputtering as his hold on my hair goes slack. Groaning, I push myself away from the base of the throne, but my knees are weak and I’m light headed. 

“You’d do well to learn to hold your tongue, Rueki.” Xemnas says, in an eerie calm. I think of the conversation I walked past and how Saix wanted to test me. If this is the test…

Then fuck him if he thinks I’ll cooperate long enough to pass it.

“Why, cuz you think I’m afraid of your guard dog?” I ask, when suddenly, I am thrown across the room. Something heavy knocks into my abdomen and throws me aside. I hit the wall and slide down, shoulders shaking as I reach the ground.

“Do you think he will come running, like a hero, if you scream loud enough?” Saix taunts.

“I. Don’t. Know. Where. He. Is!” I scream, voice ragged as it pierces the room. “He left me here! He told me I was safer here, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you!” I pinch my eyes shut, trying to find something, anything to focus on, beyond the pain shooting across every square inch of my body. I am throbbing, bruised from head to toe.

My nose is broken.

Suddenly, my head is being lifted. I open my eyes to see Saix tilting my chin upward with the end of his Claymore, which is probably what he just flung me across the room with. I thought I knew what Berserk entailed. Twilight knows I’ve fought him before. But without Roxas there to defend me, or a weapon to hold my own, I am utterly at his mercy.

For someone who isn’t supposed to feel emotions, I certainly do see hate in his eyes as he looks into my eyes. He draws the Claymore away from me.

“For the life of me, I don’t understand why he consistently chooses you.” He kicks me in the stomach, and I double over, arms instantly flying to cover my midsection. But he kicks again and again and all I can do is will my arms not to break. 

“Because I haven’t turned my back on him for Xemnas. Because I would never do anything to hurt him.” I huff. To my surprise he doesn’t kick or hit me again. Instead, he crouches down, coming to eye level with me.

“Do you know the truth about our past?” He asks. “Or is that something you’ve just conveniently blocked out?” He asks and I scoff.

“Don’t you think I want to remember everything? I even asked Naminé to fish for my missing memories in Castle Oblivion! Why would I lie about not remembering my past?” I snap. He grabs my jaw roughly in his hand and looks at me, golden eyes piercing me just as sharply as a blade.

“Allow me to tell you the story of an insignificant orphan girl. Her parents died when she was young, in a simple accident, but she was convinced that it made her special to not have family. She was raised by a pilot and though she was barely able to dress herself, she thought this made her superior to everyone. Especially to two boys, a few years older than she. They owed her nothing, yet she felt a deep need to inform them every chance she got that they were beneath her. Without reason, of course. This girl was an arrogant, entitled fool with no regard for anyone but herself. And yet, one of the boys was so obsessed with harassing her. He had a sense of justice then, wanted to put the girl back in her place, and his friend stood by, quiet but proud. Because this little girl needed to learn the cold, harsh reality of the world. Of course, the boy could never quite bring himself to be as cruel as he should, you see he liked the attention that the girl gave him, even though it was negative. But his friend knew better, knew the girl was an insufferable leach. But she was not a burden, not yet.

Until one day, the world fell to darkness. Heartless attacked without mercy, threatening to swallow the place whole. And that boy who loved attention, he was on his way to find his friend, the quiet one. And that was when he came across the girl. Of course, she was younger, she was struggling to fight off the Heartless. And so, what does the boy do? Completely disregard his friend’s safety. It no longer matters to him whether he and his friend make it out of this disaster alive, because he is so intent on playing hero. You see, he needs the attention, needs to feel like his miserable existence is worth something. Until one day he ceased to exist. 

But do you know who lost their heart first? The quiet boy, the unassuming one. The one who never said a cruel word to this girl. Instead, he stumbled through the streets, having fought off the Heartless himself. But not before they marked him, scarring his face. He was beaten, barely standing but the last thing he saw before one of the Heartless ripped his beating heart from his chest, was his friend, defending this stupid girl. Lea did not offer me so much as a single glance as I screamed for my life

I feel my heart hammering in my chest. Saix never once takes his eyes off of mine, he doesn’t even blink and I can’t bring myself to draw in a breath. Was this the secret Axel hid from me? The harsh truth about how thoroughly my life has ruined others? If I thought Saix scared me before, I was wrong. My hands tremble, my pulse races.

“I—I’m sorry…” I try and that’s when he slaps me. It’s nothing in comparison to being thrown around the room, but it stings, and in light of my current injuries, it’s not one I’m thrilled to add to the collection.

“Would you like to know the very worst part?” He asks, and I know that I don’t get a choice in the matter. “A decade passes and the two friends have reunited, though not in the best of situations. See they both had their hearts ripped out, thanks to this girl. However, they are doing everything they can to get them back, and despite it all, there are memories of loyalty, kinship. They are the closest thing to friends one another have. They have so many grand plans for what will happen when their hearts are returned. And then that leach of a girl reappears. And this time, she’s old enough to swing her hips and bat her eyes and fool that very same man into giving her attention, attention that she does not deserve. She destroys what is left of their bond and doesn’t even have the decency to accept that she is the villain in this story. 

I understand what you have to offer him now. Physical needs are something that plague even those of us without hearts, but tell me, why does he keep coming back to you? You offer nothing! You are insolent, ungrateful, defiant, unable to manipulate a single element. You cannot hold a card to anyone in this castle. You are ordinary in the most pathetic of ways, and yet he consistently chooses you, time and time again. Even when he knows what is at stake, so tell me, why?” He roars.

“I…I love him.” I breathe. “I remind him of what it felt like when he had a heart.” 

“As did I. He was like a brother to me. And I was certainly a more significant player in his past than you.” He sneers.

“You don’t get it. I’d move mountains for him, I’m willing to wait for him to get his heart back, I have nearly died for him, and I’ve chosen to live for him. There’s nothing that can rival that.” Maybe once upon a time he could’ve slipped between the cracks. But Saix has sufficiently dug his own grave. Between his treatment of me, of Roxas and even of Axel, there is no turning back. 

“So he is choosing you because you allow him to pretend that he isn’t empty?” He asks. “He feels nothing!” 

“There’s something.” I insist. “Even you, you’re jealous right now, that’s what the burning in your chest is. Even without a heart, that can’t be the end all be all, there’s something.” 

“VII, silence her.” Xemnas says, and for a moment, I forgot he was in the room, but once again, Saix has me by the hair. He throws me down as hard as he can onto the ground. My head cracks and I feel a wetness in the back of my head. My limbs tingle, like pinpricks and I have to move my fingers to prove to myself that I am not paralyzed.

“You’re willing to maim an innocent girl for him?” I ask. Saix meets me with a smile that chills me to the bone.

“No, this is for me.” He raises the Claymore above his head and I make an ‘X’ with my arms, trying to shield as much of my face as possible as he brings his weapon down onto me. The blade is sharp, like the teeth of a wild animal and it bites into my skin, ripping flesh open, tearing me apart. Over and over, he slashes at me and when finally he takes a step back he’s breathing heavily, shoulders heaving, eyes glazed over as though he is in some sort of trance. I take a wavering breath and don’t even try to look at my arms. I can already see blood, dripping like rain, spilling onto me, onto the floor.

“We will ask nicely only one more time, Rueki. Where has VIII run off to?” Xemnas asks. From where I lay on the ground, I look to him with wide, horrified eyes. 

“You’re a fucking monster, even if I knew I wouldn’t tell you.” That’s not the right answer, and I know it isn’t. But over a year ago, I thought to myself how I wanted to die saying something better than ‘those doors are tall’. This is better. This will suffice.

The Claymore stabs into my leg and I jolt up, eyes flying open just to watch the weapon pierce all the way through my thigh. He tears it out and I hear the sound of wet flesh, ripping as easy as paper. My body trembles, spasming violently as I fight to stay conscious through the agony. Air hits my new wound and stings like alcohol. I scream so loud, it feels as though my throat is being torn by sandpaper.

“You are a waste of oxygen, a waste of sound.” Saix smashes his foot down onto my hand, the bones crumble like a pencil. I hear them crack, one by one and this time when I scream, the sound fades in and out. “A waste of a conscious mind, a waste of a vessel.” The claymore slashes again, this time toward my face, and I immediately pull the arm of the uninjured hand up to block the blow. And it does. But it dawns on me that I can’t feel anything in that arm, anymore. Just wetness running across my skin, but even that is only pressure. I steal a glance and feel my stomach lurching, it’s all I can do to stop the bile rising in my throat. There is more blood than there is skin, I see connective tissue, muscle, fat. Parts of my anatomy that shouldn’t be exposed, now are.

“I don’t know where he is!” I choke out, voice weak and fading. Saix doesn’t care and clearly neither does Xemnas, who I can see grinning wickedly at the scene. Maybe I’ve failed the test, or maybe this is exactly what Xemnas wanted. I don’t know, but I cannot even feign the energy to care. Saix raises his boot and kicks me in the stomach again, and this time, I hear more cracking. My ribs. The pain makes me lose vision. 

I need to get up, need to move, need to do something. I try to push myself up with my numb arm, but catch myself slipping in the pool that my own blood as left on the floor. No, not like this, any way but this. I don’t want Saix to be the one who kills me.

My vision starts to come back, and I force my screaming legs to stand tall, but the once sliced open is losing blood, and fast. I try to take a step, but I falter and have to catch my balance on my good leg. The blunt of the claymore comes flying at me, into my chest and I feel another rib crack. There’s no voice left to scream.

“A shame, number VIII won’t even know of his punishment until it has already happened. I wanted nothing more than for him to watch you die.” Xemnas tells me from his throne, though I can’t see him anymore. My eyes are pinched shut as I prepare for death.

I’m sorry Axel. Turns out, I couldn’t wait for you any longer.

I hear the sound of the claymore dragging across the floor and hear heavy footfalls approach me and then, suddenly—

“You’re going to kill her!”

Not Saix’s voice.

Oh no. Oh Twilight no.

My eyes fly open.

I know he’s a Nobody and has control over an element, I know he doesn’t even have a heart to care for me, but he’s putting his life on the line for me. I lean up trying to yell at him to let me die, but I’m too hoarse to even encourage him to save himself.

“Have you come to take her place?” Saix growls, but Xemnas seems to understand how very bad this looks. He, unlike Saix is not possessed by the effects of berserk. Demyx comes sprinting over to me, he grabs my unbroken hand and tries to pull me off the floor, but to no avail. My entire body is limp, too exhausted to offer him any assistance. I feel myself fading in and out. I grasp, pathetically at the edges of consciousness. 

“Enough damage has been done, VII.” Xemnas orders.

“I’ll say!” Demyx is being a lot braver than I ever could've expected him to. But for all of his boldness, there is still fear, wet and rattling as it cracks his voice.

“Allow the girl reprieve. Clearly she is too stubborn to relay her secrets to us. Allow her time to reconsider her loyalties and rest.” Xemnas says. I can see utter discontent in Saix’s eyes, a look that begs Xemnas ‘don’t make me stop, let me kill her now’, but instead, Demyx wraps an arm around my middle. I scream, feeling every single one of my broken ribs. The sound is enough to cause him shock, because he drops me back to the ground.

“Fuck! Shit! Rueki!” He stutters, grabbing the wrist of the hand that is broken. It doesn’t hurt terribly but I still cannot stand up, even as he tries to wrap an arm beneath my armpits to support me. “I don’t know if I can carry you, can you stand?” He asks.

I have exactly as much energy as it takes to say “no”, before I finally black out.  
 


	46. Chapter 46

XLVI.

I wake up, cold, shaking, sore and beyond tired. I fight the twitching spams that course through my body, but cannot stop the jolting in my belly. I feel as though I have been electrocuted, recalling the time Larxene inflicted her element upon me in Castle Oblivion. I’m starving, so hungry yet so nauseous all at once.

Seriously, how the fuck is it so cold in here?

I open my eyes and am instantly met to the sight of red stained sheets. So fucking red. My stomach lurches and I jerk upward. A garbage can appears in front of me as I vomit into it. Gripping the edges with white knuckles, I draw in a shaky breath. My eyes flick up to the person holding out the garbage can.

“Luxord.” I breathe his name, resisting the urge to hug him. He’s not doing this out of the sheer kindness in his heart. He never doesn’t have a motive. But to be honest, right now, that is fine. I feel barely alive, scarcely human. I notice beneath me that the sheets are stiff, hardened by blood that is still flowing freely from me.

“Easy, love.” He urges. I laugh, weakly.

“Am I dead?” I ask, pulling away from the trash can, which he promptly sets down.

“Nearly.” He nods. “But alas, the Nocturne has been doing his damndest to keep you alive.” I don’t see any Elixirs, like I had in Shibuya, but there are plenty of empty vials of potions, scattered across the room. My room, I realize, or rather, the one I had shared with Axel for so very long. Without his presence warming me, it feels like an icebox. 

“And you?” I ask. He makes a face, a very slight pout.

“I suppose perhaps a combination of things has led me here.” He confesses. “I fear Xemnas is no longer sane. I’m certain you’ve already noticed, a large amount of these missions we have been sent on have ceased to make sense. No longer are we driven to complete Kingdom Hearts. Everything seems a ploy to irritate Sora further or a desperate attempt to torment Roxas. Even I can see past the game and understand that there is no logic involved in these decisions. Only impulse. You were the final straw. I suppose.” 

“You suppose?” I ask. “You made me kill someone just so you could tell Xemnas and Saix that I was capable of and had already committed murder.”

“Yes.” He nods, looking just shy of miserable as he looks me over in the bed. I’m so afraid to asses the damage on myself, and yet, I know I need to. I spent my youth stitching up Amaya and Del, learning to mend broken bones and disinfect wounds. Demyx is trying, I’m sure, but I’m the one who is going to get myself nursed sufficiently back to health. “I suppose an apology is more than in order.” Luxord says. I look into his eyes and could cry. Demyx walks through the door and the levy breaks. I cry, not loudly, not violently, but tears stream down my cheeks as I am overwhelmed by how thankful I am for these two. My friends, my allies, the ones who consistently find their way back to my side, through everything.

“I’m sorry.” I mutter, wiping my eyes. “How fucking embarrassing.” And I can tell I’m not the only one mildly uncomfortable by such a display of emotions. Demyx turns to Luxord casting him a very strange glance. Conflicted in the extreme, worried, stressed almost, I would say. There is something that is revving his anxiety into high gear. 

“It’s okay.” Demyx says, with a wave of his hand, though he looks one step away from hyperventilating. “It’s good to see that you’re up.”

“How long have I been out?” I ask.

“Almost a week.” Luxord confesses. Strange, I have an odd moment of déjà vu, recalling someone else who slept for weeks on end, but the memory seems too far out of reach. The fog creeps in and I am too tired to search through it.

“Fuck.” I sigh.

“Indeed.” Luxord agrees.

“And this shit is still bleeding?” I ask. Part of one of my arms still doesn’t have feeling in it. The other arm and one of my legs still appear to be leaking blood. My head hurts, my middle is still unbelievably sore.

“Hey, be happy you’re awake.” Demyx insists. “Your bones mended pretty easily with the potions. Only one of your ribs gave us issues, and your nose is gonna be a little swollen for another day or two, probably. The blood loss isn’t great, but it’s slowed down a lot.” He sounds so optimistic, but through his gritted teeth, I don’t believe a word of his smile. I make a face.

“You have any needle and thread?” I ask. Both sets of eyes—his and Luxord’s—widen.

“What is it you intend to do, love?” He asks. I roll my eyes.

“Stitch myself up.” I say.

“I would highly discourage that.” Luxord says. 

“Rueki, you don’t get it. It’s a good thing you’ve been out cold for a week. Xemnas comes and checks on you every day, and every day that you’re passed out, you get away from…another interrogation.” Demyx trails off. I think I might be sick again, but knowing there is nothing left in my stomach, I force myself to keep the contents down. Dry heaving once was more than enough.

“Dammit.” I choke, trying to keep the scene from replaying in my head. Saix, bashing my face into the throne, yanking my hair back, slapping me, kicking me, stomping on me, stabbing me, beating me and beating me and beating me, past what I could take. I grip the sheets and my body rattles, spasming with panic. 

“Hey! Come on, Rueki, stay with us.” Demyx tries, and I do, but the tears start again.

“Fuck.” I say. “Fuck, shit, damn.” I sputter. 

“Our thoughts exactly. In fact, I would highly encourage you to pretend to be incapacitated again today.” Luxord says. I shake my head.

“I can’t…” I struggle to form words, trying to push back the replay that wants to start up in my head. More nightmares. More fucking nightmares is what this is going to cause, dammit. “I can’t go through that again. He will kill me this time, the only reason he didn’t was because you walked in.” My eyes stray to Demyx, who takes a seat at the foot of the bed, wringing his hands, anxiously.

“Yeah, and I’ve already received my punishment for that. The last thing you need is to be in my shoes, huh?” Demyx looks to Luxord, eyebrow raised.

“I have suggested, you should leave, Nocturne. There is nothing left for you here.” Luxord says. I look between the two of them thoroughly annoyed. Why can nobody here talk straight? 

“And go where? Axel’s gonna be hunted forever. We all know I’m a lot less sneaky than he is. I’ll be found and killed in a week. At least this way I can tell myself that this was my choice.” Demyx sighs.

“Even you are not naïve enough to believe that.” Luxord insists. Demyx shrugs.

“Makes it a lot easier to keep my mask on if I’m the idiot everyone wants me to be.” Demyx offers, and this is my snapping point.

“What the fuck are you guys talking about, how did you get punished for saving me?” I ask, leaning forward a little, though my body aches miserably. Demyx and Luxord exchange uneasy looks. Demyx pouts a bit.

“I uh… What were the words again?” Demyx mutters. “Interrupted a very serious interrogation and got in the way of justice being served to a traitor. So, in order to redeem myself, well, basically I’m supposed to intercept Sora in Hollow Bastion. I was told if I can’t pull Roxas from him or kill him, then I’d be labeled a traitor and would be turned into a Dusk.” My heart drops. I reach out for Demyx’s hand but remember myself. He isn’t Roxas, the gesture wouldn’t be the same and I doubt it would bring him any comfort, friend or not.

“Are you fucking kidding?” I ask. “I thought we just decided that Sora is good for the cause and that we just want Roxas to take control of him, not get him back altogether.”

“As I said, these missions no longer make sense.” Luxord reminds me.

“It’s not just that, these missions are suicide.” I say. “Roxas isn’t coming out of Sora. If he was going to, he would’ve when he saw me in Hollow Bastion.” And perhaps it’s selfish to believe so, but I know I’m right. The bond Roxas and I had was only second to his bond with Axel, seeing me ‘in danger’ would’ve drawn the Key Of Destiny out if anything could. 

“Not to mention that I can’t beat Sora in a fight to the death. I’m not dumb enough to think I can.” Demyx insists.

“You’re not dumb at all.” I say, flatly. I know he isn’t looking for flattery or trying to feel sorry for himself. But I mean what I say. My friend, the person who saved me, he may be utterly unambitious and for the most part, a pacifist, but he is not dumb.

“Well, Xemnas seems to have decided I’m useless. I’d rather fade than become a Dusk.” Demyx says. I look to Luxord, who is looking down at the sheets, expression distraught but otherwise, unreadable. I wonder if this is the first time in his nonexistence, that he has questioned things, that guilt has crept at the edges of his being. I wonder what he regrets more, getting close to Demyx and I, or standing by and allowing all of this to happen, under the guise of ‘strictly business’? Does he feel like a bad Nobody or a bad friend? I think I know which, but I am also certain there is no room left in my heart for hope. No, I have to do something. About Demyx, about myself, about Axel. 

“There’s gotta be something we can do.” I say, looking between IX and X, though neither of them can meet my eye.

“He isn’t wrong, Rueki. One does not simply abandon the Organization without consequence. They will find him. Leaving is only a temporary solution that will prolong the inevitable.” Luxord says, I shake my head, blinking back more stupid tears.

“Dammit.” I say. “What the fuck has this place become?” 

“As I have said, I do not believe the Superior is…in his right mind anymore. Quite the contrary, I believe he has gone quite mad.” Luxord reminds me.

“Look…” This is a risky move, a hell of a gamble in the words of Luxord, but maybe, for the first time, I am in a position where this could be received well. “There’s something that I’ve been thinking about for a while, Roxas and I were trying to—”

“Love, I would highly discourage finishing that statement. What you’re insinuating ends in death.” He says. My eyes widen in shock at how quickly he caught on.

“Why? If it’s the three of us—”

“Do you truly believe that the three of us are equipped to take down not only Xemnas, but Saix as well?” He asks. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, I can’t get the sight of my own blood, against the white floor of the throne room out of my head. I don’t want to die there, I don’t want to die before I see Axel one more time… But what could he come back to? He’s a traitor, the Organization wants him out of their ranks. Who knows if he could even get back here to take me with him, to wherever he may be. Not that it matters where he is now, I’d go anywhere, with or without him to try to escape this nightmare.

“I’m going to die the next time they find me awake, Lux. I cannot beat Saix, not while he’s got the moon on his side.” I remind him. Luxord nods, gravely.

“Yes.” He says softly, already aware. I chew on my lip.

“I don’t want to die.” There’s a soft desperation in my whisper. Demyx’s eyes flick to mine, then to Luxord’s, then back to mine again.

“I’ll take you with me.” He says, finally. My eyes go wide.

“What?” Is he really suggesting what I think he is? My friend, who is sweet but an unambitious coward? Is he really intending to be my savior?

“I’ll take you to Hollow Bastion with me.” Demyx offers. “You’re right, you’re gonna die here, and maybe you’ll die there, but you’re from Hollow Bastion, right? Maybe someone there will remember you and take you in.” Highwind, I think. Cid Highwind. If he’s alive, he’ll remember me and even if he doesn’t, I can make him remember. I have a few memories of him, I can remind him of our past. And then there was the girl I was friends with, Yufa, Yuki, whatever. Not that I know what she looks like, but maybe if I ask around, she’ll remember me. Maybe I can find shelter, hide. I doubt Saix expects me to go back to my past, to find shelter in my friends and family that I’m not supposed to remember.

“Now there’s an idea.” Luxord breathes, as though the very thought has stopped him in his tracks. “Love, this might be your safest bet.”

“What about you though? Won’t you get in trouble for letting us both get away?” I ask. He shrugs.

“A gamble I’m willing to take. I’m perhaps the only one, besides your beau, better suited to keep a secret from the higher ups. They trust my word, I’ll give them no reason not to, I’ll feign ignorance. After all, why would I, one without a heart, trouble myself with a girl marked for execution?” I have to admit, it makes sense, but there is something he is struggling with as he speaks, a burden behind it that he is unwilling to bear.

“You’re not telling me something.” I say. He looks to Demyx.

“Come on, just tell her.” Demyx insists.

“Do I even need to explain to you how very deadly that could be for her? How easily they will be able to track her, if she knows? The sheer amount of dark energy…”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I ask. The two men exchange glances and I shake my head. “Probably the same big secret Axel’s been keeping from me since I almost died in Shibuya.” Luxord blinks at me in utter shock as he pieces my words together. 

“Fascinating, as I’m sure the story of your near death in Shibuya is…I do believe you’re right. When I brought it to the attention of the Superior, he seemed to already know.” Luxord says. 

“Dammit, does everyone fucking know but me?” I ask.

“She deserves to know.” Demyx presses.

“And are you willing to be the death of her when she finds out? I am quite certain that will be the outcome, are you not?” Luxord asks. Demyx sighs.

“You’re probably right.” Demyx concedes, and much as I want him to just spit it out, one thought really bites into me, with all of its might. I do not want to die. No matter the cost. Even if it means I have to be in the dark on this for a little longer.

“So, we’re doing this?” I ask. “You’re really taking me with you?” I ask. Demyx nods.

“Hey, I’m just a dead man, what do I have to lose?” I know he means it as a joke, but my heart shatters. I reach out to hug him, he laughs, nervously and draws away quickly. “Oh, come on, Rueki, you’re gonna get blood all over me.”

\--

Hollow Bastion is somehow more vibrant and simultaneously, more bleak than I recall. Beautiful, dark, charming and stony. I cannot decide whether the sweetness of the small shops and shacks of homes are enough to outweigh the blinking security system and overwhelming sense of uneasiness that creeps in with every single step.

So, this is my home.

“Demyx…” I whisper my friend’s name. I touch the crook of his elbow only minutes after we touch down in the world. He offers me a weak smile. It’s been three days since I woke, feigning sleep each time Xemnas came to check in on me. My injuries are completely closed up, though I am still a little sore. “Thank you.”

He’s speechless. He opens up his mouth once, twice and then sighs, finally bowing his head.

“Run, Rueki.” He urges. I feel tears start to spring up. I think to try to hug him, but I know, if I do, that I will fall apart right here and now. I nod, wiping away a stray tear. 

Wind whips past me as I take off into a full sprint. As it cards back through my hair, I notice there’s a chill in the air. My limbs haven’t been this exposed in so very long, under the cover of the black trench coat, I have been safe, but held down. Now, for the first time in over a year, I am free, only held down by the weight of my weapons belt, my skimpy clothes, and Survivor on my arm. I laugh, uncomfortably, and then hysterically as I run, tears streaming fully down my cheeks. Heartless appear and I cut them down with the slash of Survivor because I want to. Nobodies appear and not because I called upon them. I throw grenades, watching them go up in smoke, and I laugh. I’m free. I’m free. I’m fucking free.

I’m falling over myself. I have no idea where I’m going. Against the harshness of the wind, my scars look angry and red, and I don’t care. I’m catching my breath, on the edge of everything, my head thrown back, my eyes closed when I hear my name.

“Rueki.” I’m hallucinating I’m almost certain. No. No. No way. No way in fuck is my luck going to pan out like this. In the wake of the constant shitstorm, the incessant misery, such luck doesn’t seem possible. I freeze where I stand, righting my stance, my hands balled into fists. 

“This isn’t real.” I choke out, my voice wet and heavy, my throat tightening at the emotions that I know will follow. I touch the bare skin of my leg, feeling the icy touch of my own hand. This feels real. My shoulders tremble.

“This is real, sweetheart.” His voice promises and I turn, slowly, so afraid that this illusion will crumble the second I turn. But there he is. Spikey red hair, vibrant emerald eyes. High cheekbones, tall and lanky as all hell. My heart feels as though it wants to climb up my throat. My eyes burn. “What are you doing here?” But there is no accusation in his tone, only gratefulness. Excitement. He takes a step closer to me but I am paralyzed, still unwilling to believe this. He closes the distance between us and brushes searing hot, gloved fingertips against the newly formed scars on my skin. This is real. He is here.

Axel. My Axel.

I throw my arms around his neck and leap into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist. Tears pour, I’m a bawling hysterical mess, but he makes up for the disastrous state I’m in by clutching me desperately and pressing his lips to mine. I can’t breathe. Neither can he. We paw at each other, trying to touch, taste, memorize every ounce of each other. I swipe my fingers up his back, he rubs my legs. I run my hands up his scalp, feeling the hardened gel in his hair, his hands slip up my back, up underneath the hem of my shirt. I try with every ounce of who I am to take in as much of him as I possibly can.

“I’ve missed you so much.” I gasp, sucking in a breath. He mashes his lips back down onto mine, effectively silencing me. His mouth is wet and greedy, and mine meets him back with equal anxiety. I grab handfuls of his hair and sigh against him. His hands run over the thick, knotted scar on my forearm, in the spot where I can no longer feel. He hesitates. He draws away from me and takes a breath, eyes wide and mortified. 

“Rueki…” I revel in how he says my name. It sounds nothing shy of heaven, though I know he is certainly in hell, looking me over. His thumb traces the scar as his eyes dart to it. “Rueki…fuck…what happened to…”

“Saix.” I say. And that is all I need to. His arms go limp, I climb down from where I hang off of him. Once my feet both on the ground, he shoves me back, still gripping the tops of my arms so that he has a better angle to look me over. I feel exposed, vulnerable in the extreme, but he is relentless, grabbing my arms, crouching down to look over my legs, spinning me around to examine my back. His hands pat my sides and I wince, the soreness of my now mended ribs still smarts something awful. 

I can sense the horrification in his touch.

His hands fall away from me. I turn now, looking at him with anxious eyes. He touches the side of my face with his hand. The warmth is so deliciously overwhelming.

“Fuck.” He whispers.

“It’s done.” I say flatly, but I can see him igniting. 

“How the fuck did he do this to you?” He roars. I flinch, taking a step back from him. 

“He would’ve killed me if it weren’t for Demyx.” I murmur.

“Demyx?” He asks.

“He walked in on Xemnas and Saix’s ‘interrogation’. They wanted to know where you were and I had nothing for them.” I say. “Axel, I can’t think about that right now or I am going to lose my fucking mind.” I am blatantly honest with him, completely opening up the door to my heart, right here and now for him. I know what I can handle right now, and it is only to revel in this reunion. The past needs to be the past. The weight of it will crush me if I let it. Not that I have forgiven Saix, Xemnas, any of them. Certainly not, my hatred would burn me up from the inside out if I let it. My fear would paralyze me, turning me into a mess of panic. I could crumble right here and now, so very easily. I know the only way I can survive is to bury this. It won’t last long, but a temporary fix is better than nothing. I need him to love me so hard, in every single way, that I forget even my own fucking name. Reality cannot exist right now. Just me. Just him.

“I’m going to kill him, Rueki.” He whispers. “He was my fucking friend and he did this to you?” 

“He’s not your friend anymore.” I say, flatly. “You fucking knew that, Axel.” I can’t get over how delicious his name tastes on my lips. 

“He can’t get away with this, Rueks.” He insists.

“He already fucking has. The time for changing things is done. Demyx is going to die here, if he’s not already dead. Luxord knows he’s not far from the chopping block. The missions Xemnas is giving out are suicide missions, but Demyx sprung me free. We’ve got to take this chance and get the fuck out of here.” I press.

“Sora’s going to be coming soon.” Axel says.

“I don’t give a quarter of a shit.” I say.

“Sweetheart, I fucked up, I’ve got to warn the kid.” Axel confesses. “I kidnapped Kairi and…Saix got ahold of her.” My stomach drops. I think I’m going to be sick.

“That girl is going to die.” I choke.

“She won’t.” Axel tries. And I know he’s right, Saix’s vendetta against me is personal, but all I can think is that this girl has just stumbled into the gates of hell because of my boyfriend.

“Why would you not come back for me? Why couldn’t you just—”

“Baby, I didn’t know…I thought we’d have more time. I didn’t think that they…that he…” He is so at a loss for words, and I can see any sort of stability that he has, crumbling beneath his eyes. Don’t. Don’t, fucking don’t cry or I will. “I just…” 

But before he can tell me what he ‘just’, Sora comes sprinting over, eyes wide as he runs straight past us. Seriously, what the fuck? With adrenaline pumping through my veins, I’m about ready to turn on him and start screaming, but I am stopped as Donald, Goofy go barreling after him. 

They head straight to the edge of the cliff and as I turn to look, my stomach drops. There, across the Great Maw, is a castle. And at the edge of it, stands Xemnas. I grasp Axel’s coat with a white knuckled grip.

“No.” I whisper. “No, no, no.” I shake my head, because this cannot be happening. I cannot take this. I can’t—

I need to push this all down. I just want so badly to forget.

“Your majesty!” Donald cries out, and it is then, that I notice a giant mouse standing opposite Xemnas, hands clenched into fists in pure determination.

“Xehanort.” The mouse accuses. Wait, what? Why am I not surprised that Xemnas is a fake name? Why the hell not? Nothing about this monster is genuine. He is exactly as I have suspected, a madman. A demon.

“How long has it been since I abandoned that name.” Xemnas booms and somehow, his eyes find their way to me, where I clutch Axel desperately. A smirk curls at the edges of his lips, and fuck, I think I am going to be sick.

“Out with it, Nobody! Where’s Kairi! Where’s Riku?” Sora snaps, Keyblade materializing in his hands. There’s a hatred in his voice, a type of desperation I haven’t heard since Castle Oblivion when, Axel threatened Naminé. And now…Xemnas is threatening Kairi. My heart could break for the boy. Even without the empathy link, pouring Sora’s raw emotions into my mind, I get it. I fucking get it. And if I hadn’t let Axel go and kidnap her…

No. This one isn’t on me. 

I will not take responsibility for this. I’m not a fucking masochist and I am not a member of Organization XIII. Axel doesn’t have Kairi, Saix does. This isn’t our fault. I look to the Superior as he confronts the mouse, with hatred in my eyes. I am in no state to fight, but I sure hope Sora makes him suffer. 

“I know nothing of any Kairi. As for Riku, perhaps you should ask your King.” Xemnas taunts. I want to tell Sora not to listen, that Xemnas is a lying sack of shit, but Axel seems to have other ideas. He draws me closer, arms wrapping around my waist, shifting so that my back is to his chest.

Sora looks desperately between Xemnas and the mouse, who finally shouts “Stop!”

Xemnas opens up a portal and retreats into it, like the fucking pathetic bastard he is, only able to make a move when he has Saix there to do the heavy lifting for him. The fucking coward. The mouse, however, is the opposite of cowardly. Without hesitation, he charges in after Xemnas, just as the portal closes up.

“He’s gone…” Sora mutters, and with shaky knees, he hits the ground. This is it, this is the boy’s limit, his Achilles heel. His weakness. A pretty girl with red hair. I look to my own absolutely beautiful redhead, and I don’t fault Sora for a moment. I would crumble without Axel. I already have. For all of my might, my determination, the fire inside of me, he makes me feel strong. He makes me feel alive. He makes me feel like me. 

Goofy crouches down to Sora’s level and sets a hand on his shoulder. Donald sighs and goes to reach to Sora as well, but suddenly, something strikes him. I don’t know quite what, but it gives him pause and he turns to where Axel and I stand, eyes suddenly going wide.

“Rueki!”

“What?” Sora suddenly is on his feet. His eyes are the size of saucers as he turns around and regards me, covered in white scars that crisscross all over my limbs. As I clutch Axel, I realize how bad this look, but my lover simply sets a hand on my waist, protective, compassionate, determined to keep me at his side.

“Way to fall right into their trap.” Axel sighs, looking truly disappointed as his green eyes fall on Sora. The Keybearer blinks stupidly at him, looking between me and Axel, unsure of whether or not he should come to my rescue. A quick brush of the empathy link tells me that he wonders who is responsible for the scars that decorate my skin. “C’mon, it’s a setup by Orgaization XIII. All those Heartless you just fought? That was exactly what Xemnas wanted you to do. That’s his big master plan.” Though I don’t get why that’s so bad, but something in Axel’s tone is utterly defiant. Fuck Xemnas, fuck the Organization and fuck their plan. Hearts can’t be the end all, be all, and I am certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’d rather have him without a heart for the rest of forever, than have to go back and beg Xemnas and Saix for forgiveness. 

“Xemnas?” Donald asks.

“That fucking cunt that the mouse called Xehanort.” I hiss. 

“Is he the one who took you hostage?” Sora asks me, in a voice like I am made of glass and will shatter if he speaks too loudly. This pisses me off beyond compare and I tear away from Axel, stomping closer to him.

“That was a fucking act, kid. That was the only way Axel and I got here alive.” I throw my hands up and Sora blinks at my suddenly aggressive gesture. I look at him, look into his incredibly blue eyes and for a moment, I swear I see Roxas staring back at me. “Thanks, by the way. I waited for you outside his throne room. He’d be dead right now if you didn’t get your dumb ass kidnapped.” I take a step toward him and poke him straight in the forehead. 

“I don’t know what you’re—”

“Not you. Roxas, if you’re in there, what the fuck, man?” I snap, hands balling into fists. “I tried, you have no idea how hard I tried.” 

“Rueki…are you okay?” Sora asks, and I could scream. Instead I pinch my eyes shut and suck in a breath. My body is in overdrive, teetering dangerously on the edge of crumbling, thanks to everything that has happened in the past two weeks. No one will let me pretend this isn’t happening. Axel wants to fight back, Sora wants to check on me and I just want to crawl into a hole and pretend that I’m someone else. My emotions start boiling to a head and I turn around, back to Axel.

“Just, say your peace and let’s get the fuck out of here.” I grumble.

“Rueks…” Axel murmurs.

“Don’t act like you’re her friend.” Donald squawks. 

“Dude, Axel and I have been together for like ever.” I wave a hand at him.

“But…what about Del?” Sora asks.

“I’m not doing this again.” I mumble. Goofy seems to be the only one capable of staying on topic and accepting that I’m not budging on this. You know your life has hit rock bottom when Goofy is the voice of reason.

“Organization XIII wants to get rid of the Heartless?” He asks.

“Man, you’re slow.” Axel sighs as I turn back to face the trio, substantially closer to Axel than I was before. “Every Heartless slain with the Keyblade releases a captive heart. That is what the Organization is after.”

“So, what are you guys gonna do with the hearts?” Donald asks, looking between the two of us.

“I’m not telling.” Axel snorts.

“Tell us!” Is Donald’s very logical counter.

“Oh my fuck, we’re being decent enough to warn you, just go with this and maybe you can get your friend back from—”

“Axel…” Sora breathes, looking at the man standing beside me. “Saix said you took Kairi.” 

“Bingo.” Axel says, rolling his eyes, his tone dripping in sarcasm, but I don’t think he understands the gravity of how Sora cares for her. 

“Where is Kairi? Please, just tell me!” Sora begs and my eyes go wide. Axel sucks in a shaky breath the second he realizes just how much this is killing Sora. This isn’t a good friend of the boy’s. It isn’t a silly crush. This girl is his everything,

“Look...” Axel starts.

“Axel wasn’t supposed to lose her. She wasn’t supposed to get hurt.” I mutter. 

“I’m sorry.” Axel says, though I don’t know if to me or Sora.

“You…lost her?” Tears start to prick at the corners of Sora’s eyes, but before I can even start to apologize, before I can even say that we’ve got to team up to save her, a portal opens and Saix walks through. His eyes find me instantly.

“So, you’re still alive.” He seethes.

“Shit.” Axel chokes at the same time I say “fuck.” We look to each other, he grabs my hand and in the split second it takes for Saix to reach out, Axel and I teleport away. I have never been so thankful to feel that jolting sensation rip at my stomach.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had to be rewritten approximately 4 billion times. I hope it was worth it

XLVII.

When finally, we touch ground, I know exactly where we are, despite never having been inside this room. It’s very obviously inside the old mansion in Twilight Town. A bedroom—properly dusted, the bed freshly made, drawings covering the walls. This must have been where Naminé slept, though beyond the drawings, there are very few personal items. A vase of dead, white roses sits atop one of the night stands, a crocheted quilt, colored with reds, oranges and golds lays at the foot of the bed. But otherwise, this room is utterly generic looking, not much different than the rooms in Castle Oblivion.

There’s a sort of peace that rushes through me as I look at the room, a room that is not my own, a place that is safe, not under the constant threat of Xemnas, of Saix, of something that will surely crush everything I am. The peace lasts for all of ten seconds before Axel throws me onto the bed. I hit it with wide eyes, breath leaving my lungs. Survivor clatters loudly as I try to tear it off beneath him. I barely have a moment to breathe before his mouth finds mine, hot and desperate.

I don’t need to ask what he’s doing, because I want to as well. He’s trying to bury this, all of this.

Maybe the only safe place for our hurt is inside of each other. 

Survivor hits the ground at the foot of the bed. I grab Axel’s hair in fistfuls, his mouth travels my neck, tongue and teeth brushing at the pulse points as I hear him groan. 

“Clothes off.” I choke. This isn’t sweet. This isn’t tender. This isn’t romantic.

It’s visceral. Completely animalistic. 

Axel pulls away from me, only to tear the zipper of his coat down. I snake my hands beneath my back and make quick work of my top. I cast it and my items belt aside as he takes his coat and boots off, and then I throw myself at him, arms around his neck, legs around his waist. My sudden weight on him puts him on his ass, at the edge of the bed, but this is fine, this I can work with.

My mouth finds his, tongue dragging across his lower lip. His skin is so hot, he tastes like fire, he smells like smoke. It is everything I’ve ever wanted and then some. This is my home. I rake a hand through his hair as my mouth dives lower, teasing and aggressive all in one. My teeth tug at his earlobe, I suck the hollow behind his ear. I drag my tongue across his throat and dip it into the hollow of his collar bones. My nails slide down his neck, to his back. He doesn’t even try to hold back a groan. Instead, he just cries out, throwing his head back. The sound radiates straight down to the heat between my legs. 

With the shifting of my hips, I grind into his hardening erection, savoring the buzzing sensation that spreads across my skin as he moans. He discards his gloves, I try to work off my boots while still keeping pace. The zipper of his pants is just enough friction, dragging across the velvet of my shorts, to work me up. With the clothing acting as a barrier between the two of us, the perfect amount of pressure is pressed against my clit. I roll my shoulders back, throw my head back. My eyes flutter shut as a sigh escapes my lips. Axel’s breath is hot and heavy as his mouth finds my neck. The sudden burst of wet heat as he sucks the sensitive skin of my neck into his mouth makes my body jolt. I fumble at my pace, but roll my hips faster against his, trying to make up for it.

“Axel.” I choke, working furiously against his erection. I focus on this moment, his heat, his outline, the sound of him sighing against my skin. I try to hold onto all of it for as long as I can. But with how long we have gone without touching each other, and the insane pace I have set, it is a matter of minutes before my body seizes up and an orgasm like an electric shock shakes me. I clench as it radiates from my head to my toes. Breath tingles as it floods my lungs, and the sudden rush of endorphins makes me feel euphoric. I giggle, stupidly, carelessly, just before Axel tackles me back into the bed. 

He makes quick work of his pants, shoving them down his legs, along with his boxers. But I’m almost hysterical. I feel incredibly light, deliriously happy. This moment, this brief bit of reprieve, after the torture, after the pain, feels so incredibly blissful, I cannot help but to delve deep into it. I want to catalogue each second in here, in this bedroom, with him hovering over me. I look at the muscles on his chest, I touch old, familiar scars with featherlight fingers. He shudders, sucking in a breath as he looks down at me. His eyes look dark, hazy, as though his intoxication with me is threatening to consume him.

“You’re wearing far too much clothing, sweetheart.” He reminds me, voice barely above a growl. Oh, fuck yes.

“Maybe I need you to help me out of it.” I bat my lashes at him, feigning innocence. He snickers, shaking his head.

“Come on, princess.” He lowers his mouth to my ear, his breath tickling my excited skin, until I am arching into him. “I know you’re a lot dirtier than that.” His hand dives into the waist band of my shorts, past my panties. His fingers no time in finding my clit. I gasp as he touches me, pinching my eyes shut, bucking my hips desperately. “You can’t try to play the virgin when I know you already came.” He drags his teeth down my neck, and suddenly, his hand dips lower, two fingers plunging into me. 

“Oh fuck!” I cry out, the brilliance of him filling me is so overwhelming. My breath starts coming, short and shallow as he pounds his fingers into me, stretching the fabric of my shorts to its limit. My muscles uncurl as he brushes his thumb across my clit, hand wet with my recent orgasm. He draws his fingers out of me and rubs my wetness across the lips of my pussy, across my clit. I’m so beautifully wet, I think I could come again, just from that feeling alone. I buck into his hand, feeling him grin against my skin as he withdraws from my shorts.

My breath hitches as I feel him brush his soaked fingers across my mound, up my stomach. Once his hand is finally free from the confines of my clothing, he brings his fingers to his mouth and licks them clean. I repress a shudder, completely transfixed on him. He’s so fucking beautiful. I quickly yank off my shorts and panties and toss them to the floor.

That’s all the permission he requires to grab me by the small of my back, pull me in tight and plunge into me.

If I thought the feeling of his fingers in me was everything I needed, I know now I am dead wrong. I cry out, legs falling open, needing every inch he gives me. His name spills from my mouth, as a praise, a curse, an encouragement. He is my mantra.

Pounding into me desperately, he starts to breathe my name, forehead pressed to mine, eyes burning into me. He’s living for this, I can tell. Loving the fact that I cannot hide how dizzy with pleasure I am for him. Our bodies are slick with sweat as he works against me.

“Fire.” I beg, unable to form a coherent thought. Thankfully, he understands exactly what I need, exactly what is going to draw me over the edge. A lazy grin spreads across his features. For a second, I think he is going to tease me. But instead, he traces a finger across the curve of my waist. I feel the beautiful tickle of flames heating my skin and I throw my head back against the pillow, a wordless cry spilling from my lips.

“Anything for my girl.” He breathes, brushing that hand across the top of my thigh. 

One hand clutches my hip, slamming me down into his cock again and again at a pace that takes my breath away. His other hand works dexterously, ticking every square inch of my body with flames. His breath starts to shake, he begins to choke on his moans. At such close proximity, I have the perfect view to watch his face contort as he approaches his orgasm.

“Rueki, if you’re going to again, I need you to…I’m gonna…” I grab his hand off my hip and bring it to my clit. He works at me quickly, sloppily. His heat, the friction, the wetness, it’s almost enough, and then he does something bold and dangerous. He runs his index and middle finger across the lips of my pussy, flames coming to life on his fingers. It doesn’t hurt, instead, it’s the perfect teasing sensation that makes me scream as another orgasm electrifies me. I am a spring, coiled too tightly, and when I release my entire world spins sideways on its axis. True to his word, Axel follows immediately behind me, crying out my name before falling limp onto me.

We’re drenched in sweat, but with the heat he constantly emanates, as we cool down, our skin doesn’t. I breathe, finally unwinding. I lie, a puddle beneath him. It’s all I can do to breathe properly. His fingertips trail across my skin, ever so delicately, skin barely brushing skin. The sensation almost tickles and it makes me shiver. I inhale sharply, and then chomp down on my lower lip. Everything that has happened since we stepped foot in this mansion is the first taste of pleasure I’ve had in two weeks. The loneliness, the nightmares—

The pain. 

The high I felt post orgasm fades quickly. My blood stops buzzing. I hit the ground so hard, I don’t think Axel could catch me if he tried. Everything that has happened since the day Axel left The Castle That Never Was, comes rushing to my mind, the weight of it all nearly crushes me. This moment, this beautiful moment we’re having is so real. But so are all of the scars on my body, all of the pain, all of the hatred. I’m not going to cry. I don’t want to fucking cry. His thumb brushes against the particularly knotted scar on my arm, in the spot where Saix slashed hard enough for me to lose feeling. I choke as I look down at where he touches me. He shifts his weight off of me, coming to sit up beside me. I lay, my back on the bed for another moment, unable to will myself to move. 

“What?” He asks, voice barely a breath.

“It’s just…” I roll my lower lip between my teeth. “I can’t…The place that scar is still doesn’t have feeling. I just thought it would, with how dosed up I was on potions.” I watch a light extinguish in his eyes with each world that leaves my mouth. His hand falls limp. They slide to his side. I didn’t mean to, I swear, but I have ruined this moment not just for me, but for him too. Tears start to spill from his eyes and what’s left of my heart crumbles. I completely lose it. 

I throw my arms around him and climb onto his lap, hiding my face in his shoulder. He wraps his arms so tight around my waist that I think he is going to crush me into him, but if that’s the case, I really don’t mind. He shifts me upward, with the shift of his hips, suddenly he’s got his cheek pressed against my chest, while my chin rests on top of his head. My hands shake as they find his back. 

“What exactly did he do to you?” He murmurs, lips brushing my sternum.

“Axel…” I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can talk about this. I think the very effort will cause me to combust, but he is determined.

“Just fucking tell me, Rueki, I need to know.” He persists. I can hear the crackling in his voice, quite unlike a log on the fire. No, the noise that comes from him is wet and breaking. I try to breathe. It takes everything.

“Broken hand. Broken ribs. Broken nose. He bashed my face into the thrones. He stabbed me, a lot. Pierced my thigh all the way through. Must’ve gotten down past my nerve endings in my arm.” I recall, crystal clear. For how hard I’ve been trying to push this all aside, repress every single second of that awful day, now that I am letting it out, it spills, erupting completely. I blink back too hot tears. “I don’t know. I just lost a lot of blood.”

“I thought he was my friend. I knew he wasn’t happy with me. I guess I just really thought that underneath it all…he was still that same kid I grew up with.” Axel whispers.

“Maybe he is. That’s why he did all of this to me. He holds it against me, how close you and I are.” I murmur, my voice strained. 

“So, what? He tortures you because he’s jealous?” He shakes his head in disbelief. 

“He’s more than just that. He fucking hates me.” I correct, snorting derisively. 

“I thought when I finally found someone that made me feel something, he’d be happy for me. He was supposed to be my fucking friend. This wasn’t supposed to fucking happen.” One of the hands that was once pressing me dangerously close, now slams onto the bed, balled in a fist. I freeze, fingernails biting into his back at this sudden moment of rage. I get it. I want to lash out, I want to scream, I want to completely lose my shit. But for just a second, I don’t see Axel trying to displace his rage. I see Saix, leering at me.

‘This is for me.’ Those words leave me shuddering, infinitely closer to the man in front of me.

“A lot of shit that wasn’t supposed to happen, did. By the way, he told me your big secret.” I grumble, voice weak. Now, Axel is the one that freezes. He draws slowly away from me, pushing me back down his thighs so that he can look into my eyes, with his wide, horrified ones. I notice, instantly, the wetness on his cheeks and my hands fly to cup his face. “I just don’t get how you didn’t hate me, too, if I’m the reason Saix lost his heart.” 

It is simultaneously, I think, that Axel and I realize that we were not talking about the same secret. Relief washes over his entire being. I, however, am now holding my breath. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Wait, what about Saix’s heart?” He asks.

If that wasn’t the worst secret possible, what is? 

Hyperventilation threatens to consume me, but I fight with every ounce of who I am to stay tethered to reality. No. Stop. I can do this. I can take normal breaths, I can do normal things. I can have a fucking conversation with the man I love without going into hysterics. Fuck, I miss worrying that I was too cold to process emotion. 

“That wasn’t the secret.” I murmur. I climb off of his lap and pace around the room, winding my hands through my hair. I want to tear it out, I want to smash something, I want to displace some of this anxiety in any way I can. My eyes fly to the vase I noted earlier. Wilted white roses droop along the side of it, petals discolored and falling onto the night stand. I pick up the vase and, without a second’s hesitation, chuck it across the room. It shatters, the jagged pieces of porcelain littering the floor. My heart hammers, my pulse throbbing in my wrists, my temples, my neck.

Suddenly, Axel is at my side, lacing his fingers through mine, looking at me as though I am a dangerous animal. I’m panting as I meet his eyes, and instantly, I force myself to look away, yet again. I didn’t expect it to be this hard, I didn’t expect to have this many conflicting emotions, clashing inside of me. 

“Come on, baby, talk to me. Let me make this right.” He’s so guilty, he’s so pleading, and somehow, this makes me so incredibly angry.

“You left me.” I murmur. “You left me to rot, and you didn’t even know how bad it was there. How the fuck could you?” My voice doesn’t rise above a whisper, as I stare away from him. I catch Axel shifting in my peripheral vision. I know this isn’t fair, I know my words are like ice, I know he surely would not have left me if he really knew the danger I was in. But right now, logic is failing me. I hate him. I hate the angry white lines that mar my body. I hate that I’m not going to be able to close my eyes at night without seeing Saix, hovering over me, taunting me. I hate that just when I think there is no way things can possibly get worse, I find out that I don’t even know the darkest truth. 

“I know.” He whispers, his hands falling away from me. “I fucking failed you. I always fucking let you down. I can never manage to save you, just when I think that I’m finally going to make things right, I screw you over even harder. No matter what I do, I just keep ruining everything. I just can’t stop your world from falling apart.” 

That is not what I expected. I hesitate, still unable to look at him as tears burn my eyes. I’m so mad at him, so mad that I was alone. But he’s wrong. I remember the day on the Destiny Islands. I remember the beach in Twilight Town. I remember how every single moment has felt with him when we aren’t so caught up in Xemnas’ bullshit agenda or Saix’s jealous rage. I remember what it feels like to be safe and free beside him, and it doesn’t feel like I’m on a fast track to hell. But he’s so heavily tied, tethered to Organization XIII in ways that I already knew, but didn’t feel real until I was bleeding out on the throne room floor. And for the not the first time, it hits me hard that I have no idea where to go from here. 

I lace my fingers through his, pulling his hand back toward me.

“You didn’t know about Saix losing his heart because of me, did you?” I ask, turning back to him. His eyes flick up, from the floor, to mine. 

“You got me on that one, sweetheart.” He confesses. “He never wanted to talk to me about the day our world fell.”

“He told me that you guys were trying to find each other when he lost his heart.” I say.

“Well yeah, he was my best friend, of course I was looking for him. But then I ran into you, and you needed help. I wasn’t going to let you just die.” He reminds me. My hands start to tingle, I start to choke. While those words might have once been sweet to me, I have now seen the hatred, the jealousy, the betrayal in Saix’s eyes. And I cannot shake that. 

“Yeah, and he saw you defending me.” I nod, swallowing my tears. “He was barely alive when he made it to where we were, all he wanted was to find you, and he saw you helping me. He said he wasn’t far from us when the Heartless took his heart, that he screamed, and you didn’t even look. Because you were so busy trying to play the hero and protect me.” 

The words hit him, I swear there is a visible weight to them as they crumble down onto him. 

“He never told you that, did he?” I ask. Axel swallows dryly and runs a hand through his hair as he shakes his head. 

“Uh…no…guess he didn’t.” He mutters. For a second, I fear he’s going to pull away from me. That is the final straw. He and Saix were friends long before he and I were even civil with one another. If I’m the reason everything turned to shit in the first place, then why should he side with me? He loves me, I know he does, but if the roots of his friendship run deeper, well…

It wouldn’t be the first time this man has thrown a wild card at me.

But instead of lashing out at me, instead of turning his back to me, he wraps his arms fully around me and sets his chin against the top of my head.

“How the hell was I supposed to know though? He never told me, he never tells me anything. If we could just not talk to each other in fucking circles…” Axel shakes his head. “Fuck. I mean, you were just a little kid. I couldn’t let you die.”

He doesn’t know it, and I resolve not to tell him—he doesn’t need to know I had a lapse of faith in him—but this warms me straight to my core. I should’ve known this is how he’d respond. Our love, the devotion we have to one another is a hell of a lot more resilient than I ever could’ve imagined it would be, in the beginning.

“Well, he resents us both for it.” I confess. Axel’s grip tightens on me.

“Yeah, well…” He grumbles, and I think he might be trying to come up with a smart ass comment, and while normally I live for this, I realize there’s something more important that I need to get out of my system. For once, the snark can wait.

“I’ve got to tell you, though…This isn’t just on him.” I say. Axel freezes, and for a second I realize what this sounds like. “Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am so not defending him, and you’ve got to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to kill him the first chance I get.”

He draws in a wavering breath.

“This is an argument we can have later.” He decides, which pisses me off, beyond all compare. I shove myself away from him.

“Fuck you, no it isn’t. He doesn’t get to get away with this. He’s not your friend anymore. And if Sora doesn’t get to him first, I’m going to make him hurt.” I snap, limbs trembling, this time with rage. But Axel’s smart. He’s been with me long enough. I can see the calculations he’s making, just based on his facial expression, his desire to persevere is a lot stronger than the burning need to be right. Guess that makes him more mature than me. He touches my cheek, leans down and puts his forehead against mine.

“Come on babe, you didn’t interrupt me just so you could tell me you wanted to kill him.” He reminds me, and he’s right. Of course, he’s right. I hate it. I hate that he’s pacifying me, but it doesn’t change anything. Whatever reason he has for wanting to keep his asshole of a former friend alive is on him. If he wants to be pissed at me, that’s his prerogative, but if Saix can hate me to the point of wanting to murder me, then I can surely return the sentiment. 

I draw in a breath. I need to focus. After all, I didn’t interrupt him for nothing.

“Much as your boyfriend is a complete fuck head, he’s not the only one that wanted me in the throne room for an ‘interrogation’. Actually, I don’t think he wanted me there in the first place. I overheard a conversation between him Xemnas and Xigbar. Something about wanting to test me, to see if they should try to teach me more dark magic. Xigbar wanted to, he wanted to use me to get to Sora. Saix called me a bunch of names and told Xemnas that I wasn’t worth it. It was only when Xemnas decided that I needed to have my loyalties tested, that he volunteered to be the one to do the testing.”

‘This is for me’.

I’m not stupid enough to believe he was trying to protect me from Xemnas’ darker intentions. And Axel doesn’t even try to push that, which is smart of him.

“Why didn’t you give me up, Rueki? I told you, do whatever it takes to stay alive. He could’ve killed you.” Axel says. 

“Because I really didn’t know where you were. You think I expected to find you in Hollow Bastion? I was just lucky Demyx was sent there.” Demyx. The loss of my friend brings tension to my muscles and a lump to my throat. 

“But you could’ve lied! You could’ve gotten out of there!” Axel insists, a new intensity in his tone. I just shake my head. “Fuck, Rueki, you think I wanted to come back and find you dead? That’s not worth it, none of this is worth it without you.”

“The second I walked into that room, I realized that there was a good chance I wasn’t making it out alive. When Saix told me I was the reason his heart is gone, I knew I definitely wasn’t going to live. If it weren’t for Demyx, I wouldn’t be here now. Xemnas has completely lost his shit. Saix would’ve killed me, even without his permission, but Xemnas told him to silence me. Fuck, maybe Xigbar was the only one in that little trio that wanted me alive, but it didn’t matter. If I was going to die, I realized, my death could count for something. It could bide you more time, it could get Roxas back. It could keep you safe. I didn’t think I had a choice in the matter, I didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, so I made due with what I could. Xemnas and Saix weren’t going to fucking break me. If we couldn’t get a happy ending together, I was going to at least get you one step closer to making it out alive. I didn’t want to die, but there are a lot worse ways to go then fighting for something that is actually worth dying for.” I say, urgent, breathy. He looks at me with eyes more vulnerable that I could’ve ever expected.

“You know, Saix used to ask me why the hell I was wasting my time with you. Even when we were kids, and I would go out of my way to harass you. It was different then, but now, I know he thinks I just like fucking you. I know he doesn’t get it. I dunno if anyone in the Organization gets it, but it doesn’t matter. Cuz I know you, Rueks. And the one thing the person I used to trust the most keeps overlooking is how damn strong you are. It doesn’t matter what hits you or how hard. You always get back up onto your feet. You always hit back. No matter how many times you’re pushed, you always manage to push back. And that is my favorite thing about you, Rueki. You’ve always been you, no one can break what you are. You might just be the strongest person I’ve ever met, sweetheart.” He brushes his thumb across my cheekbone. My heart flutters. For all the harassment we give each other, for all of the compliments where we make fun of ourselves and pretend we’re joking, I think this might be the most honest, sweet thing he has ever said to me. I could dissolve right here and now and be happy.

“You make me strong.” I say, but he shakes his head.

“Maybe I help motivate you, sure. But that’d mean nothing if you weren’t you, Rueki. You’re fucking amazing, babe. Nothing can take away from that.”

And I let him sing my praises again and again. Standing there, holding hands. Pressed against the wall, lips at my neck. On the bed, his mouth between my legs. Just when I think I couldn’t get higher on his words, he tells me he loves me, again and again. I reach nirvana.

During his refractory period, we talk. About how he lost Kairi, about how Xemnas is losing his mind. About how I was pulled into the throne room, no weapon at hand, and couldn’t even fight back. It becomes too much, so we fuck it all away. 

And then, we talk again. About the future, about how we’ve got to find Sora and help him take Organization XIII down, and while Axel doesn’t say a single word about Saix, he does agree that Xemnas must be eliminated, no matter what the cost. But the moment gets too heavy and I start to tremble, so he makes love to me, so vigorously that I forget my own name.

We lay in a heated mess when I beg him to tell me the secret he’s been hiding from me, yet again. He pauses.

“Not yet.” He whispers, shaking his head.

“Why?” I ask. “Xemnas clearly doesn’t give a fuck about keeping me out of the dirty work anymore. Wouldn’t it be safer if I knew, at this point?” Axel shifts his weight.

“You’re probably right, sweetheart. But like I said, you’re you. That’s my favorite thing about you. And I can’t lose that.” He insists.

“But you said it yourself. I’m me, no one is gonna change that.” I promise.

“Not a risk I can take right now.” Is his response. I think he can sense the fight that is stirring in me, because he quickly counters. “I promise you, Rueks. It’s almost time. Let’s find Sora, help him end this, have him unlock Kingdom Hearts. At this point, we’ll figure something out for Roxas later. I’ve just gotta get you safely to the end of this. That’s all that matters now, got it memorized?”

There’s something in his tone that I don’t like. ‘The end of this’, not ‘our happy ending’. It’s different than how he usually says it, I’m sure I’m reading into it too much though. After all, I’m the one talking about finding a cause worth dying for. Not him. 

\--

We wake up the following morning, a complete tangle of limbs. Axel’s skin is so warm, he’s breathing heavily against the top of my head, stirring my hair. I don’t think I’ve slept so soundly ever, in my entire life. My neck hurts, my body feels stiff, I stretch my calf, where it rests between his knees. No nightmares last night, much to my surprise. The pure relief that brings is enough to make me forget the soreness that has almost completely disappeared from my body. 

He’s clearly out like a light, drooling, mumbling complete nonsense. I shift my arm, trying to untangle my limbs from his, to reach out and touch his cheek. He sighs, still completely unconscious, but certainly able to feel pleasure at the sensation of my thumb brushing his cheekbone. I bite back a smile. This is pure, this is the very definition of light. 

There’s got to be something, there’s got to be some way that I can capture these moments and skyrocket us toward the happy ending that we so desperately need.

I’m about to settle into a comfortable position, when suddenly, I realize why I woke up in the first place.

A noise, a rumbling, the sound of heavy footfalls sounds off from somewhere else in the mansion. Somewhere close.

My blood runs cold.

I tear myself out from beneath Axel and punch his arm as hard as I can. He wakes up, and before he can cry out, I slam my hand down against his mouth, muffling him. I place my finger on my lips and as he blinks back sleep, he seems to understand, after a moment. His eyes widen, at perhaps one of the most brutal wake ups of his life. The second I see recognition light his gaze, I tear my hand away and, as quickly and quietly as possible, I flutter through the room. As I find articles of clothing, I either yank them on or toss them at Axel, who is now infinitely more alert as the sound of footfalls approaches us.

“I’m certain they are in this world, somewhere. That’s always his strategy, hiding right under our noses.” Saix voice makes me clap a hand over my own mouth, tears, pricking at my vision. My fingers start to shake. Let him find me, I think. Let him find me, now that Survivor is sitting right at the foot of the bed. He won’t expect it. I’ll hide behind the door, he’ll walk into the room and I will slash his throat.

“Awe, come on. You really think Axel’s that boring? As if. My munny’s on him and little Rueki being half way across the realm of light by now.” Xigbar’s voice chuckles. My eyes flick to Axel, who is dressing at a ferocious speed. I suddenly remember that I am supposed to be doing the same, my primal urge to take revenge falls away as I focus on the logic of the situation. I still have at least a few more hours and a lot more potions, before I am fully recovered from the hell Saix wreaked upon me. My shirt is still half way across the room, I’m still drowsy after being roused from my slumber. There’s no way we’re taking the two of them down right here and now, not without coming up with a better plan.

No, right now, all we have planned is to get to Sora and help him take down the Organization, no matter who stands in our path. 

I find my shirt, zip it on and strap Survivor onto my arm.

“Did you hear that?” Saix asks.

“Yeah, sounds like a bunch of rodents crawling in the walls of this thing.” Xigbar replies.

“Are you completely uninterested in orders? Lord Xemnas ordered us to find the traitors.” Saix bites. 

“Suit yourself, man. I am searching and I think we’re wasting our time here.” The nonchalance is clear in Xigbar’s voice. 

“Where do we go?” Axel asks, voice a low whisper. “They’re gonna keep fucking finding us.” And he’s right. Sure, Twilight Town was a safe place to search on their part, a place Axel and I both have been drawn to, a place that holds beautiful memories for both of us. But it is also the world we know the best, the world we can hide best in…

Fuck.

There’s one better world.

“I’ve got an idea.” I breathe. 

“Lord Xemnas expects us to go above and beyond to find those two. Do I need to remind you the importance of annihilating the traitors? Axel is better than anyone at deconstructing the Organization’s plans, and Rueki is an immature antagonist. They need to be stopped, at all costs.” Saix roars, loud enough to push Axel to open a portal.

“Hey, you sure this isn’t a personal thing?” Xigbar cackles. I swear I hear Saix growl. “Ha, and I thought I knew what it was like, having to serve a master that asked a lot.”

I don’t quite know what that means, but now that we are fully dressed, I waste no time pondering it. I grab Axel’s hand and we disappear through the portal.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So quick question: Do you guys want the last two chapters and the Epilogue on Friday, or do you want to build a little suspense and get 49 on Friday and 50 and the Epilogue on Monday?

XLVIII.

We walk through the portal Axel has opened and are instantly met with cold. Bitter, penetrating cold that pierces me to my core. The new scars on my body ache, my knees clatter together in my skimpy outfit—something I never would’ve walked around in, here. My entire body vibrates with shivers, and yet, even with his coat on, Axel shakes harder than me. 

“Dammit, you couldn’t have chosen a warmer place to hide out in?” He asks, teeth chattering. Meanwhile, I might be going numb, but that’s fine.

“Stop bitching, we’ll be safe here.” We will, I know we will. As much as I didn’t want to drag them into this, as much as I wanted them to be safe from the nightmare that has become my reality, this is the final card I have left to play, the final safehouse I can enter. I made a scene of announcing I’d never return to this world after Organization XIII attempted to recruit Del. No one is going to look for us here. And even if they did, I know the lay of this land better than anyone, I can bare the cold better than anyone. This is my turf. Inside the safety of Transmute City, there is nothing that I cannot take on. Except perhaps this reunion.

My old home, the place I shared with Del and Amaya is right in front of us, and yet, the idea of knocking at the door feels horrifying. Who will answer it? And will they be excited to see me? Or will they slam the door in my face and tell me this isn’t my home anymore? Somehow, I am doubtful of the latter, but it doesn’t quell my worry any. With hands that shake from nerves and the cold, I knock at the door and am greeted by a pale face, framed with shoulder length, black hair. Bright green eyes stare back at me.

“Rueki….” Amaya stands in front of the doorway, her lips parted in utter surprise, her arms hanging limp at her sides. She draws a hand up, reaching out to touch me.

“Sweetheart, not to be a nudge, but—” Axel starts.

“Amaya, it’s cold out can we please come in?” I mutter, a little anxiously.

“Oh!” She gasps. “Um, yes, of course.” She stutters, stepping aside, allowing room for us to enter, and we do. Axel and I barrel in and suddenly, I am overwhelmed by heat. He takes a deep breath as Amaya pushes the door closed behind us.

“Fuck, Rueks, you’re freezing.” And there, right in my friends’ living room, Axel summons tiny flames to his fingertips and pulls me in tight. It is as though he just remembered how much less I am wearing and how frigid I must be. The drastic temperature change is physically shocking, but I ease into it quickly, my entire body melting under his touch. For a second, I don’t even realize that normal people don’t summon elements to defrost their significant others. Only for a second. Because I’m shuddering in my man’s arms, and my oldest friend is looking at me, trying to keep her jaw off the ground. She wrings her hands, unsure of what to do as Axel pulls away from me, holding me by the top of the arms.

“That’s a thing he does, I wouldn’t worry about it.” I offer her.

“Maya, do we have any chili left over from—” Del’s voice sounds off from the hallway that leads to the bedrooms, and suddenly it stops. I know the sound in this house, I know where things echo, depending on which room you are in. I know exactly where Del is standing when he stops speaking and I turn to him, a half smile cracked across my face. Axel turns with me, in perfect sync. 

“I’ll be damned, definitely not what I pictured when you talked about Del.” Axel says. 

“No?” I ask.

“He looks like Roxas.” Axel replies, and I guess, in a way, he could be an older Roxas. I laugh, throwing my head back. 

“Rueki.” Del says my name, as though he cannot believe I am here. As though there is a magical light shining on me. His eyes light up in a way that only Del’s can. Suddenly, I am not his neglectful ex girlfriend, I am not his cold hearted friend, I am not the girl he put on the backburner for the Keybearer. I am the exciting girl that woke up in the broom closet a decade ago. I am one of his oldest friends. He rushes forward, throwing his arms around me, tackling me out of Axel’s grip. I hear my lover make a noise in protest as Del squishes me tight to him. “I thought you were dead!” He cries out. This seems to be all it takes for Amaya to gather up some courage. She shuffles over to me and wraps her arms around the both of us. I feel her prosthetic hand, resting against my elbow. I laugh, beaming as I hug the two of them back.

“Sorry to disappoint.” I grin.

“You had us so scared, Rueki! After you stormed out, we went looking for you, we had no idea what happened to you! And then when we saw Sora’s Gummi Ship was gone… Rueki, I told you that it was unsalvageable! How are you alive now? That ship shouldn’t have been able to make it more than—”

“It didn’t make it for shit.” I laugh, pushing Amaya and Del both away. “You grew a set while I was gone.” I grin at Amaya, who waves away my words with a brush of her hand.

“She sure did.” Del laughs.

“What do you mean it didn’t make it?” She gasps. “Is that how you got all of those scars, I know you didn’t have them when you left!”

“What I mean is the ship exploded, I crash landed. Axel pulled me out of the fire.” I say, quickly deflecting as I turn back to him. I offer him a smile and see his eyes warm as I meet them. I think my entire being must thaw, just looking at him. Here and now, I am safe once more. At his side, I will always be safe. I don’t think of all of the blood I have lost, I don’t think of the rude awakening we had this morning, I don’t think of being kept alive on Potions and Elixirs for days. There’s only him. There’s only this.

“Oh, my goodness!” Amaya claps her hands over her mouth as she looks to him. “I am so sorry, I didn’t introduce myself! Where are our manners, Del?” Amaya scolds him before she flutters over to Axel offering him a hand, which he shakes with complete confidence, but unlike what I was used to growing up—I do not watch his eyes linger on every curve of her body. I do not watch him drink in the sight of her. My stomach doesn’t drop as I think of how unappealing I must look in comparison to her. I feel no jealousy, no envy. Axel sees no one but me, there’s such a deep and beautiful security in that. “I’m Amaya!” 

“The Name’s Axel, got it memorized?” He grins and I bite back a grin. “And you’re Del, right?” Del nods at him.

“Yep, nice to meet you.” Del says, so genuinely, he strides over to Axel and takes his hand, clapping him on the shoulder, a true bro hug. Axel shoots me a look. I shrug.

“Likewise, Rueks has told me a lot about both of you.” He says as the they draw away from each other. Del’s eyebrows raise as he looks between me and Axel.

“You let him call you that?” He asks.

“I let him do a lot of things to me that no one else can.” I say and instantly regret it. Kind of a bitchy thing to say, to the guy I used to sleep with, but to my surprise, Del cackles like a hyena. A true belly laugh, he doubles over. Axel starts to laugh, so does Amaya, and now I am smiling as the music of their amusement floods my ears. 

“Good for you man, good for you!” Del chuckles, clapping a hand to Axel’s back. This is already going worlds better than I could ever have imagined.

“It’s so nice to see you, Rueki, you have no idea.” Amaya beams, reaching out to squeeze my hand. I squeeze hers back, resolving to keep my mouth shut about the time I saw her and Del when I was here with Luxord.

“You guys too.” I nod. “We were hoping for a place to crash for the night, is that something we can—”

“Of course! What do you think, that we would turn you down? You have got to be kidding!” Amaya huffs and for the first time with her, I am the one holding my hands up defensively.

“Jeez, Maya!” I laugh. “Come on. I haven’t seen you guys in like a year and a half.”

“It really has been a long time.” She nods. “Would you like to help me make dinner? I can get something started for the four of us.” She offers and for just a second, I think to tell her that it is probably not a good idea for Del and Axel to be left alone. After all, I don’t know what to expect, putting my ex and current boyfriend in the same room, but there Del is, chatting animatedly with Axel.

“You summoned fire to your fingertips, right? That’s cool you’ve gotta show me how that works!” Del insists, eyes wide with excitement. Same old Del. Axel offers me a little half grin. I flash him a thumbs up before I take Amaya up on her offer and retreat into the kitchen with her. Together, the two of us start on spaghetti. She cooks ground turkey in pan, separating it, mashing it around with some sort of seasoning that I don’t even ask about, because nine years of living with her, even though a large amount of it was in the orphanage, taught me not to question Amaya in the kitchen. The girl can cook, without a doubt. Me? I start boiling water and chopping up tomatoes as she tells me all about how the shop is doing, because that is all I am equipped to handle. I am surprised by how she talks, animatedly, excitedly, with a big smile lighting her features. She is so eager to relay the stories of success to me, to tell me that after Sora left, word got out that the Keybearer himself got his ship repaired by her, and the customers came pouring in. She tells me how they were able to pay off the house completely and are working on doing the same with the shop. She tells me how happy she is to have her prosthetic. She talks and talks, never interrupting herself in embarrassment that she has been rude by not interrogating me. Amaya has come to life in the time that I have been gone and instead of being sad, I find myself happy. So, so happy for her.

“That’s good, you know I was pissed when I left, I was talking out of my ass. I never wanted the shop to go under. I’d never want you and Del to have to go through anything bad.” I’d never want them to go through anything I’ve had to go through.

“Oh, I know, Rueki!” She insists, bobbing her head in time as she stirs the pan. “I know, I mean, emotions ran so high for all of us then, I think. And the fact that we didn’t know life outside of each other made it worse. I don’t want to sound cold, but truly, the best thing for any of us was you leaving.” 

“We were so codependent on each other, weren’t we?” I recall, thinking of the night before I left, how I swore I’d be more self sufficient, and certainly I have become that. I’ve found I can stand on my own, without them.

“Unhealthily so.” Amaya nods. “I mean, even Del and I. We stayed together for a little while after you left, but it wasn’t long before we began to wonder what life was like outside of each other and we broke up. At first it felt like we were drifting apart, but the more we grew intrigued by new things, the more we had to tell each other about when we came back together. Our worlds were so small, Rueki. Enclosed in one another. Now, Del is running for city council, I’m running the shop exactly how I want to. We’ve all grown up so much. You were right about me getting braver. And I mean, Del will always be Del, but instead of acting like a goofy kid all the time, he’s channeling his energy and acting like…like…” She licks her lips as she struggles to come up with a proper comparison.

“Like a talk show host?” I offer. She tosses her head back, laughing, a high musical sound. 

“Yes, exactly. And you…you seem so much happier.” She says, and I genuinely wonder about that. Am I? Have I been? I think of the scars covering my body, I think about the secrets surrounding my world. I think about how my best friend was absorbed by the boy who saved my world, I think of the stories of the past that flood my mind when I sleep and of the panic attacks and the nightmares. I think of all the hell I have been through and then I turn back to look into the living room. Axel is lighting a fire inside of our fireplace while Del watches with baited breath, and my answer comes so easy to me.

“Yeah, I am. I really am.” I smile and it lights a spark that touches my eyes. I could cry. 

“He’s your boyfriend?” Amaya asks for clarification. I bite my lip at the use of the word, because it doesn’t sound like enough. But I will never be the girl who calls my significant other my soulmate or my destiny, like ew. Her eyes go wide, and I suppose my expression must register a discomfort at the use of her word. “Rueki, you didn’t go off and get married in this past year did you?” She gasps and I snicker.

“No, no, nothing like that. Boyfriend works.” I laugh.

“Is he the one?” She asks. This one, I don’t even have to think about.

“Yeah, he is. He’s everything to me, Maya.” I confess. “I didn’t know I could love anyone this much. It’s overwhelming, it’s selfish and selfless all at once. It is humbling but makes me feel so proud. It is beautiful and tragic, I didn’t think there was anyone in this world that would ever make me feel as much as he has.”

“He was made for you.” She says softly, and I think, yeah, he really was. “I could see that, just in the way he warmed you up when you came inside. You’d never let Del take care of you like that.”

“Because Del is a child.” I remind her. She nods.

“That he is.” She agrees. I don’t want to tell her that I let Axel warm me up, because it is nothing, when I think about how I puked off the edge of the clock tower and he held my hair back. Nothing compared to turning on the lights when I screamed, in the throws of a panic attack, nothing compared to holding me tight, looking at me with guilty eyes as he accessed the scars his former friend left on my body, nothing compared to sitting at my bedside in Shibuya as Sanae Hanekoma brought me back from death. And it’s nothing on what I have done for him in return. “You have no idea how happy I am for you, Rueki. That you found your person.”

“You talking about me?” I feel an arm wrap around my middle and Axel’s lips at my cheek. 

“Stop eavesdropping, nosey.” I shrug him off. “You’re supposed to be babysitting Del.” 

“Well excuse me for being intrigued, seeing you around real food, princess. I didn’t know you could cook.” He says.

“She can’t.” Amaya giggles, and I shoot her a very half assed glare.

“Well, if some of us weren’t so convinced it was possible to live off of sea salt ice cream, you’d know already that I’m shit at cooking.” I remind him.

“Sorry, my girlfriend bitches at me for being too skinny, thought the ice cream might help. You should meet her, you’d give her a run for her money.” Axel teases.

“Is she prettier than me?” I ask. He shrugs. 

“Eh, about the same.” He replies. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Amaya smiling, truly glowing.

\--

I twirl my fork through some spaghetti, absent mindedly while Axel devours his like a wild animal.

“Sweetheart, why haven’t we been here to see your friends before? Amaya can cook.” Axel says, in between bites. I roll my eyes, but Amaya is beaming, truly delighted.

“I’m glad you like it!” She chirps, and still, I feel no jealousy. Axel was not flirting with her, Amaya never meant to ‘steal my boyfriend’, I know that based on who she is as a person. There is nothing in their interactions that does anything other than warm my heart. I’m just beyond pleased at how well my lover is getting along with my oldest friends.

“He eats like you.” I tell Del.

“He talks like you!” Del barks out a laugh. I smirk a little, eyes flicking over to Axel, who is smirking. 

“I hate to be a wet blanket on things…” Amaya begins.

“Then don’t.” I press, eyes suddenly growing hard as I look at her. To my surprise though, she is unwavering, steadfast yet gentle in her approach, and a nasty look from me will not deter her.

“Why are you visiting for the first time in almost two years, Rueki? It’s not like you to do something like this out of nowhere.” Amaya reminds me. I pout a little.

“Who’s to say I haven’t changed too?” I ask.

“Oh, give the girl her moment, Rueks, she’s right about you.” Axel says with the wave of his hand.

“You are never visiting here again.” I wag a finger at him. And here I was, thinking Axel used his brain. Nope, apparently, he’s utterly ruled by his stomach. “Maya, it’s dangerous. There’s a lot of stuff I’ve gotten myself into that you don’t need to know about.”

“Are you indebted to someone?” She asks. I snort.

“No, no. Nothing that simple.” I shake my head. “I’ve gotten in too deep with a lot of shitty people, so has Axel. We got away, I didn’t want to involve you guys, but I don’t think they’ll follow us here. We won’t stay long, we won’t leave any trace behind that we were here. We’ll be out of your guys’ hair in no time, and the less you know, the better.” Though ignorance hasn’t stopped Saix from torturing people before. My stomach twists, I grip the edge of the table desperately, trying to center myself. Deep breaths, Rueki, deep breaths.

“Is that what your scars are from? You never answered Amaya earlier.” Del reminds me. I look to Axel, who looks sick to his stomach, the guilt eating him.

“Stop making that fucking face.” I snap at Axel. “I didn’t mean it when I got shitty with you last night, you should know that.” 

“But you were right. I left you alone. Plain and simple. I fucked up, Rueki.” He reminds me, but the fact of the matter is, unlike in Oblivion, this was not intentional. Any pain I have endured as of late has all been a very miserable accident. And one that I will be sure Saix pays for, whether Axel likes it or not. But I’m not focused on that. Right now, I’m focused on surviving until Sora gets close enough to kill Xemnas. I’ll worry about the details later, and in the meantime, I cannot take his worrying. 

“Right, because it’s not like I never mouthed off to him, like I didn’t put myself right on his shit list.” I roll my eyes. 

“If I would’ve stayed with you—”

“We’re not doing this.” I shake my head, he’s not worth arguing with. If he wants to torture himself, I know I won’t be able to change his mind. I can scream until I am blue in the face, but the fact of the matter is, he’s the only person I know who is as stubborn as me. “Can we just leave it at, I got involved with some bad people?” I ask Amaya. She glares at me, though it still looks cute and meek on her pretty face.

“You know, this is what got us all fighting in the first place. You going out of our way to not connect with us, thinking that this was what it took to protect us.” Amaya reminds me.

“You can trust us, Rueki. You and Axel both.” Del nods.

“It’s not a matter of fucking trust you guys, can’t you just accept that things in my life has just gotten a hell of a lot darker than you guys can handle?” I snap.

“Yeah, according to you. You don’t know what we can handle, Rueki, we haven’t seen you in forever!” Amaya reminds me. And while she’s not wrong, I know, I’m not as foolish as they are, I am not so simple minded that I think the power of my old friends will get me through this. 

“Stop pushing this, Maya, you’re not gonna like where this goes.” 

“I already don’t like where this is going, Rueki. You show up out of nowhere, covered in wounds and then you tell us that you’re not staying long because you got involved with some bad people? You don’t think that worries us? We’re your oldest friends, Rueki, no, we’re family! We grew up together, it doesn’t matter what happened between us, we’re supposed to have each other’s backs! And that means that if you’re in a bind, we’ll help you, of course we will, we always will. But you have to meet us in the middle! How are we supposed to feel good about any of this, if it you don’t give us anything to work with? That’s using us, not leaning on us!” Amaya insists, her real hand balled up into a fist, her pretty eyes burning into me with an intensity that I have never seen in her. For a second, I am proud of her. The next second, I am annoyed as all hell at her. How the hell dare she? She doesn’t know what this is like, she doesn’t know how it feels to be in the situation I’m in, and no, maybe I haven’t given her anything, but we’re friends, she said it herself. Shouldn’t she just accept that I’m keeping these secrets to keep her safe? Shouldn’t she just trust me?

Trust your partner.

‘You can’t expect her to trust you if you don’t give her anything to work with’. I think of Sanae Hanekoma’s words to Axel, and I think of how similar he and I have always been, but how noticeable it has become especially now. Me, keeping secrets to protect the ones I love, acting like I’ve never been on the other side of things. I heave a sigh, looking to my partner, my boyfriend, my Axel.

“I crash landed in a world filled with a lot of shady people. I fell in love with Axel, we worked the system, trying to find a way out of things, hoping it’d only be a matter of time before we could cut ties with these people.” There’s safety as I look at him, Amaya’s gaze pierces me and Del’s makes me nervous, but inside the eyes of the person who knows all of my secrets, I feel safe. And he doesn’t stop me. Whether he trusts me to keep my mouth shut about the important details, or just doesn’t care if they get out, I am unsure. But he doesn’t stop me. And that pushes me forward. “But then a friend of ours…something happened to him and we lost him. Axel was trying to find him, he left me behind, I was supposed to be safe, he struck a deal with the guy in charge. But apparently, I mouthed off too many times and Axel was gone long enough to get deemed a traitor. So, they interrogated me, and I told them to piss off and this was the price I paid. Another friend kept me alive on Potions and as soon as I could stand we got the hell out of there and I found Axel. Now, we’re both probably considered traitors, and both have a hell of a bounty on our heads. So, no, I didn’t want you guys to know about that, because if anyone in a black trench coat comes knocking, I want you to be able to say ‘we don’t know anything about Rueki’ and have that be true.”

“You’re being dumb.” Del tells me, and here I was thinking I’d previously hit rock bottom, but now, with Del questioning my intelligence, I know I really have. “You think we wouldn’t fight for you?”

“No, I know you would.” Which is exactly what makes him dumb. “I’ve made my bed, okay? I’ve gotta lay in it. I’ve done a lot of really shitty things since the last time I saw you guys. You’re right, I was cold, I was a bitch, I pushed a lot of people away and now, I’ve done a lot of things for all of the right reasons, but every single one of them ends up being wrong. I haven’t been a good person. So please, if someone comes knocking, asking about me, don’t sacrifice yourself for me, nothing about me is worth it.” There’s a discomfort that settles over the room, three people that cannot decide whether or not to argue with me.

“Let’s go for a walk. You and me.” Del says and I blink at him with wide eyes. He’s certainly never been the type to take things into his own hands and smooth over a situation, but maybe running for city councilman has changed that. 

“Take my coat.” Axel offers me, and I see him unzipping his jacket. I want to scold him and tell him to cover himself up, because I know what kind of body my man has under that coat and I don’t need anyone else salivating over him the way I do, but once his coat is off, he flicks his wrist and a black T-shirt materializes in his hands. He pulls it over his head, and it is all I can do not to jump his bones right then and there. He should wear normal clothes more often, especially ones as tight as this T-shirt. “Don’t get too cold.” He squeezes my hand gently, and I cannot believe this. My boyfriend, giving me his blessing to take a walk with my ex. But for how deeply I trust him, for how I know Axel only sees me, I realize, he must know the same holds true for him. There is no one I could ever love nearly as much as I love him. I zip into his coat and lean in, taking his face into one of my hands. I press my lips firmly against his, savoring the sensation, the warmth, the taste. He leans into me, and I think this is the best place in the world to be.

“I love you.” I tell him.

“Love you too, sweetheart. Don’t keep me waiting long.” He touches my hand and offers it a gentle squeeze before I follow Del, who is now wearing a heavy jacket, out the door. Almost the second we are outside, he pulls out a pack of…

Cigarettes?

“Since when did you start smoking?” I ask him, thankful for the warmth provided by Axel’s coat. I delight in how it smells like him and am reminded of back before I had my own coat, when I wore his on missions with Demyx and savored the scent. 

“Pretty much when Amaya and I broke up. I was into gambling for a little while, wanted to feel like I was contributing. And I won pretty good for a while, and I smoked and drank for a while. And then, one day, I won big and got mugged by the guy who lost to me. Amaya had to patch me up, and of course she cried, and I cried, because not too long ago, I watched you sew up where her arm had been amputated, and that was when I called it. No more gambling, no more staying on the dark side of things. I was so intrigued, by what I could do for her. I thought, hey, if I just made us more money, we could be happy, maybe we’d get back together. When I realized what I’d become, just to try to win back her affections, I realized just how messed up that was. I lost sight of myself, and it didn’t make her want me any more. To be honest, I don’t think she’s forgiven herself for how you stormed off when you caught her and I hooking up that first time.” Del confessed, taking a drag of his cigarette. 

“I didn’t mean to guilt her.” I mutter. “Honestly, when I saw the two of you, the only thing I felt was…disturbed. And not because of you guys. I was disturbed by how little of a shit I gave. I thought, hey, this guy is my boyfriend, I should probably care that he’s fucking someone else, but I didn’t. If you and I couldn’t be happy together, I wish the two of you could’ve been.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Del sighs. “But that’s why the dark started to appeal to me."

“You used to scream when the lights were out at the orphanage, remember, that’s why I learned Alchemy in the first place? So I could relight the lamps with an eternal flame that the caretakers couldn’t put out, so you’d never have another nightmare.” I remind him. He shrugs.

“I’m not that boy anymore though, Rueki. I really wish I could be. But you left, and things changed and all I wanted to do was be what you were for us. The glue, the one that kept our heads on straight. Amaya got a lot more independent, a lot smarter with money, the way you always were for us. But I wanted to be the one who got things done, the one who was determined and went above and beyond to make sure that things were taken care of for her and I. I was trying so hard to fill your shoes with that, I forgot what it was like to just be carefree and excited all the time.” He sighs.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fuck things up by leaving, but in case you’ve missed it, I’m kind of a selfish asshole.” I say.

“You’re not though. You wanna say you’re a cold bitch and you’re selfish and you’re not a good person, and yeah, sure, maybe I said those things to you before you left, but I’m sorry about that. I didn’t get it at the time, what you were trying to do for us, who you had to be. You’re not some kind of wicked witch like you think you are.” Del says and I crack a smile, thinking of one of my very first missions with Organization XIII, and the witch in Oz that led to Axel and I getting injured. 

“I know.” I say.

“And the point I’m trying to get at is, Amaya and I aren’t as innocent as we used to be. I’m not going to stomp my foot and throw a tantrum when I don’t get my way, she’s not going to cry. Whatever you’re afraid we can’t do, you’d be surprised. We might not live with one foot in the darkness, but we know what it’s like to see a side of it and have to fight against it. We’re not that immature anymore, Rueki.” He insists, and it’s funny, to me. So funny, I throw my head back laughing. Del blinks at me, taking a drag. “I was really trying to be serious.” He confesses. I shake my head.

“I know, but how fucked up, since I left here, I have been the one throwing a tantrum when I don’t get my way and crying, way more than I’ve ever wanted to. I am such an emotional train wreck.” I inform him, still chuckling. “I’ve felt more in this past year than I ever have in my entire life.” 

“Maybe that was what you needed. Maybe you had to let your guard down. Maybe you were so tightly wound, trying to keep Amaya and I from messing everything up, that the second you got away from us, all of the emotional build up had to come out.” He says, and it makes sense. I think of how I threw myself at Axel the first time I was alone with him, how I so easily fell into the Organization’s plans because I needed something to fight for, and why not fight for my lover’s heart. For how much hell I’ve given Del, both out loud and in my own mind about him being dumb, I’m discovering now that in his own way, he can be wise, in his own way, he has matured.

“Maybe.” I shrug. “But nothing’s changed, Del. It doesn’t matter if you and Amaya are pissed at me. We’ll be out of here before you wake up tomorrow and that’ll be the last time you see me unless I can get these guys off of my back.”

“What are you planning to do, Rueki? Kill them?” He scoffs, as though the very idea is so impossibly wrong, and that’s when I realize the biggest thing he doesn’t know is how truly heartless I am. He doesn’t know all of the dark things I have done. I burst into tears and Del looks at me, a look of pure shock painted across his features. He ashes his cigarette and hugs me tight. “Fuck. Goddamn. I’m sorry, Rueki, I’m really sorry.” He pats my back as I weep and when finally, I have composed myself, he makes me a promise. “I’ll make sure she’s asleep, you guys can get out of here without Amaya trying to stop you, I won’t say a word to her.” Because he gets it now, he gets how truly fucked up beyond all repair I am, and I was right, my oldest friends cannot handle the darkness. “Just as long as you and Axel promise to come back when you’re both safe.”

Or perhaps they finally can handle it.

It doesn’t matter though, because Del holds true on his promise, he keeps Amaya up late with Axel and I and the four of us talk into the early hours of the morning. Amaya has endless questions about mine and Axel’s relationship, which we heavily censor so that she doesn’t have an inkling of an idea that he doesn’t have a heart. Axel asks them about me as a child and laughs like a lunatic when Del tells the story of how I raided the pantry at the orphanage and snuck junk food into the other kids’ pillows on Christmas Day. Del tells us about where he’s at in his campaign and what he wants to do for Transmute City. We talk until Del literally has to carry Amaya to bed, and that is the only way I know that we will be safe. Amaya is a chronically early riser, but this early into the morning, she might actually sleep in. Axel and I might be able to skate out of here, without hassle.

“I like your friends.” He tells me as we sit on the floor in the living room, looking into the fire. He’s behind me, with his arms around my middle, his fingers dancing over the plethora of scars on my skin. 

“They’re different then when I lived with them. They both did a lot of growing up while I was gone, and I did a lot of softening.” I confess.

“You, soft?” Axel scoffs. 

“Compared to a year ago, I definitely am. Something about a guy fucking me senseless in a library has changed my entire life.” I roll my eyes. Axel chuckles.

“Yeah, Amaya kinda said as much about you when you and Del went for a walk. That she had never seen you so at peace before in your life and I said, hell no, that’s not because of me, I just make Rueki want to pull her own hair out.” He replies.

“You’re not wrong, but neither is she. We’ve been through a lot, but when we’re like this, when it’s just us and we don’t need to fight against the world, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. It just feels so right like this, relaxing with you, laughing with you, falling asleep beside you.” I say.

“Fucking me. Yep, I know.” I swear, I can sense him grinning behind me. “Amaya asked me when the wedding was.” My stomach does a summersault. 

“And when did you tell her?” I ask.

“Ha, you think I’m going to just tell you all of my dark secrets?” He kisses my temple.

I want to tell him that I’d say yes if he asked me right now. Instead, I say “you’re such a dick.”

“But you love me anyway.” His finger dance down my sides.

“I really do.” That’s all the time we get though, to savor the sweetness. A gut wrenching sensation shakes me to my core, yanking at my insides like a fish hook. I gasp, sucking in a breath as in my mind’s eye, I see Sora, Donald and Goofy scared and unsure inside a portal to darkness, a portal to the World That Never Was. I grasp Axel’s leg and jolt upright, eyes darting wildly around the room.

“Rueki, are you okay?” He asks, sitting up straight with me, his hands now on my shoulders. I shake my head.

“No. Sora’s on his way to the World That Never was, he and Donald and Goofy are getting overwhelmed by Nobodies, Axel it’s not good!” I insist, climbing up off of the ground. He frowns and stands up as well, his hand grasping mine. 

“And here I was, thinking I’d actually get to enjoy some time with my girl.” He opens up a portal and as I go to take a step forward, he yanks me back, by my hand, into his arms. His lips slam down onto mine, fiery, unrelenting, desperate. He tears the breath straight from my lungs and revives me all at once. The passion, the pain, the need, the love, they’re almost too much for me to handle. And as quick as we burn together, it’s over. He pulls away, eyes intense, and I swear, I can hear a heartbeat hammering from against him.

“Whatever happens, Rueki. I want you to remember, you’re it for me. My everything, the love of my damn life, got it memorized?”

That is the last night we spend together.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The playlist for this half of the story will be in the notes for this chapter, now without further ado

XLIX.  
Betwixt and Between is a mess of nothing and everything all at once. The portal that leads from the data Twilight Town to the World That Never was is a mass of swirling colors and slithering Nobodies. This is truly the edge of Nothing, and at the very center, Sora, Donald and Goofy stand.  
“It’s no use.” Sora sighs, pathetically, and I can see the exhaustion weakening his being. Every muscle on his body seems to go slack. His knees buckle as he tries his hardest to stay up. I remember the day I met him, that smile that seemed to struggle to stay intact has now all but fallen off his face. He looks so much more like Roxas, my Roxas, my very best friend. Intent, serious, passionate…and at the end of his rope.

“Don’t stop moving, or the darkness will overtake you!” Axel warns. I shiver. This feels so incredibly endgame. But this was my choice. If this is how I die…then so be it. Sora, Roxas, Axel, all of them safe? Now that is a price I’m more than willing to pay. I won’t if I can help it, but I consider the angry white scars all over my body. I’m dented, scarred beyond repair. Two of my three boys don’t even have the heart to miss me…We have a goal we’re working toward but still.

I know who needs to make it out of here no matter what the cost.

Sora must endure.

“Get going!” Axel urges as we teleport onto the scene. I throw myself into a cluster of Dusk’s, Survivor slashing straight through them in a way that makes me sigh in utter bliss. I forgot what it felt like to eliminate these monsters just for fun. Back in the days when I savored the feeling of slashing through Heartless and Nobodies alike, life felt infinitely simpler.

“Why?” Sora asks, his eyes flicking to where Axel sends his Chakrmas flying into a group of Assassins. Funny, his own Nobodies have turned against him.

“Do you listen with your ears? Get the hell out of here kid.” I urge. Sora’s eyes flash as he turns to me.

“I thought you weren’t on my side anymore.” He accuses, and jeez, I swear, I can never figure out, who is dumber: him or Roxas. 

“Can you like shut up for maybe fifteen minutes, kid?” I ask.

“And why should I, old lady?” He counters, as if that isn’t a serious blast from the past.

“Listen, you cheeky little—” I get thrown back by a Samurai—fucking hell, Roxas, control your Nobodies.

“Rueki!” Axel cries out and he comes sprinting toward me with wide eyes. A Berserker smashes into him and my eyes fire up, a rage burning behind them. Oh, how I hope it hurts when Sora finally kills Saix. Beside me, Axel crashes to the ground. He offers me a very smarmy half smile that sends a jolt through my entire body. Everything about our relationship has felt like a firework—explosive and beautiful all at once. This moment on the ground is no exception. He reaches out and squeezes my hand. I dissolve. “Fancy meeting you here, beautiful.” He says.

“Are you okay?” Sora asks as he comes sprinting toward us. I push myself up and literally drag Axel’s ass upright. He grunts as he sits up and I lean into him.

“Just a flesh wound.” I offer.

“I kidnapped Kairi, but she got away from me. After that, Saix got her.” Axel grunts, resting one elbow on his knee and his head in his hand.

“Yeah, when you meet him, don’t show any mercy, alright? He’s a real fucking asshole.” I encourage Sora, whose blue eyes roam the that linger on my body. He chews his lower lip and I know he understands instantly. Or maybe Roxas does. He nods.

A Dusk comes flying at us and Sora blocks it with his Keyblade.

“Fuck!” He curses. “Leave us alone.”

“Language, child.” I cackle, standing upright. Axel follows behind me and I realize how utterly exhausted he seems as he stands. Much like Sora, how the boy hung limply, trying to keep the hero façade intact, Axel tries with all of his might just to stay upright. I realize that we haven’t slept, that it is well past the time we would normally be in bed and that Axel was probably already weary being on the hunt for Kairi, before we found each other in Hollow Bastion. I help Axel up and press my lips to his. I swear, he looks infinitely more rejuvenated. He offers me a cocky grin and sends his Chakrams flying. They move in a flurry. I launch myself across the area. The swirling colors bleed together in my eyes. There is no wind in here to whip at my skin. I spiral, kicking with my left leg, slashing with my right arm while Axel attacks and Sora follows with the slash of his Keyblade. The three of us take out the creatures in front of us and they disintegrate into darkness in front of us. “Launch me!” I tell Axel as a cluster of Assassins appears. He holds his Chakrams out to me and I leap, jumping off of the flat of his weapon, flipping over into the heard of Nobodies. This time, panic doesn’t course through me, instead, power does. A grin spreads across my lips and this feeling reminds me so much of when I used dark magic. 

I tear through Nobodies, feeling them rip and crumble at the force of Survivor. I launch a grenade, Sora smashes with his Keyblade. Axel sends a series of fire based attacks, but they just keep coming. I turn to my lover, my eyes narrowed in concentration. For a second, it’s almost as though our brains are in perfect synch. I go sprinting over to him and leap into the air. His Chakrams go sailing toward a group of Dusks and without his weapons at hand, he grabs my ankles and spins me in a perfect circle, my claw smashing through everything surrounding us. He releases me, I backflip over him and crash down into another Dusk creeping up behind him. He shoots a wall of flames that disintegrates a heard of Galmblers. Sora’s Keyblade connects with a Dancer.

For as fast as we tear through them, there’s no signs of them slowing down. They multiply by the dozen. I claw at a Samurai and a Sniper hits me in the back. Axel slashes a Sorcerer and a Dragoon attacks him. Sora finishes off a Dusk and a Berserker knocks him down. The three of us stagger to the middle of the portal, backs to one another.

“I think I liked it better when they were on my side.” Axel pants, I swear I can palpably feel his exhaustion. He staggers into me and I catch him, though barely. 

“You’re telling me.” I choke, right myself as Axel does the same. I need a Potion, or maybe ten to make it through this, my shoulders heave, my body aches. This was a bad move, so soon after healing, but this is what needs to be done. No matter what the cost, I remind myself. Even if it takes everything in me. 

“Feeling a little…regret?” Sora raises an eyebrow. Axel shakes his head, chuckling. He squares his shoulder, rolling them back. For a second, I think he is rejuvenated, reenergized, ready. And then, he speaks.

“Nah, I can handle these punks. Watch this.”

It’s almost as though time freezes. It moves so slow, I think I’m able to see three steps ahead of everything. I can predict the future, I watch everything unfold and am utterly powerless. 

But simultaneously, time moves too fast. It races by me, whipping through the spaces between my fingers so furiously that it tears the breath straight from my lungs, leaving me beaten and winded. 

I cannot stop any of this. And I know it is going to happen the second the words leave his mouth.

Axel jumps, leaping high into the air, channeling every bit of his energy in an attack that I have not seen before. The move is brilliant, his Chakrams spin around him, spouting fire. Magma pools at edges of his being, and finally, it is all too much. He lets out a mighty roar, his arms and legs jerking as fire erupts, wiping out everything in its path. I grab Sora and throw him to the ground. Goofy yanks Donald down, covering the two of them with his shield. The fire burns too bright, too hot, dread grabs ahold of my stomach and rips it straight out of me. 

“No!” A scream sears my throat, I leap off of Sora. My eyes are wide, darting around the portal, waiting for the blinding light to clear.

When it does, my nightmares become a reality.

At first, I am paralyzed. Panic stuns me, I cannot move, I cannot think, I just shriek, tears pouring down my face. This isn’t real, this can’t be happening. I have dreamt about this so many times. I’m going to wake up and everything is going to be alright. I am going to wake up and his arms are going to be so hot and so safe, wrapped tight around me. I am going to wake up.

But I don’t, and I am all too aware of how cold this place has suddenly become.

Abruptly, without my mind willing them, my legs take off to where Axel lies, in the middle of everything, darkness and flames licking at the edges of his being, just like Zexion’s.

“No! No! No!” I choke, flying over to him, skidding through the swirling portal on my knees. “No!” Tears crack my voice as I pound my fists into his chest. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Sorry, sweetheart.” He breathes. “But I had to make it count. After all, I couldn’t leave my girl here to suffer through a bunch of Nobodies. It’s a shame though, I’ve played it out in my head a thousand times, this was the only way it ended with you coming out alive. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I don’t think we were ever meant to get a happy ending in this life. Maybe the next one.” And he truly looks like he believes this. Miserable, broken and at peace all at the same time. I want to slap him, I want to punch him, I want to beat him until time moves in reverse and I can save him. My hands shake, palms twitching as I reach for a Potion.

“You can’t leave me, you can’t leave me, Axel I’m going to die without you.” My voice rattles. I cannot think straight. The edges of my peripheral vision start to cloud from lack of oxygen. Or maybe I’m going to hyperventilate, but I can’t even be bothered to care about my own wellbeing. He’s fading, I’ve got to do something about it. I can’t let that happen, there’s no way, I just can’t. He catches my wrist in his hand.

“Save it baby, you’re gonna need that. You’ve gotta help Sora, help Roxas. Save the day.” He encourages, like he truly believes he is nothing more than a blip on my radar. Like he truly believes he can disappear from my life without destroying me.

“Fuck you!” I scream.

“You’re…you’re fading away.” Sora chokes, his voice breaking as he, Donald and Goofy approach. My body starts spasming, shaking violently as though I have been left out in the cold for so long. No. This isn’t happening. I’m going to be sick. Sora reaches out for my arm, but I duck away. This can’t be real, this can’t be happening.

“Well, that’s what happens when you put your whole being into an attack. You know what I mean? Not that Nobodies have beings.” He chuckles, like he genuinely finds this funny. I am disgusted. “Anyway, I digress. Go find Kairi. She’s in the castle dungeon. And I almost forgot. Sorry for what I did to her.”

“When we find her, you can tell her yourself.” Sora pleads.

“Think I’ll pass. My heart just wouldn’t be in it, you know? Haven’t got one.” His last ditch attempt at humor sends me spiraling wildly over the edge. I let out a blood curdling cry, my fists balled.

“You mother fucker, you don’t have a heart to break but I do! I can’t live without you, I love you! What the hell is going to happen to my heart without you?” I wail and suddenly, his face goes deadly serious. His eyes grow hard.

The air stills.

“Rueki, you don’t have a heart.”

The weight of his words crushes me. 

At first, I think he’s joking. There’s got to be something, some loophole in this. I know what I’ve felt beating in my chest. I know all of the emotions that have coursed through me. What he’s saying isn’t possible. I know it isn’t. I think to the nightmares of the little girl running. Don’t leave me, Lea, and then, the Neo Shadow descending. 

What if she didn’t get away?

“What?” 

“You haven’t had a heart in nearly a decade, Rueks. I thought I saved you, I thought I gave my life to keep you alive when our world fell. But then, in Shibuya, you didn’t almost die. You almost faded. I watch the darkness start to consume you, and I realized, I didn’t have any of our past memorized. I must’ve blocked it out or something. Everything came rushing back. I didn’t save you. The last thing I saw before I died was a Neo Shadow ripping the heart out of your chest.” He murmurs, finally able to meet my gaze as he tells me about Shibuya. Axel has a tell, he always has. When he lies, he simply cannot make eye contact. But here he is now, those beautiful, green eyes blazing into me.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, I’ve felt my heart beating in my chest.” I insist, but I know he’s right. Somehow, I know. There are pieces, connected, feelings that come rushing back. The overwhelming sensation that this is what has been hiding in the sealed room of my mind. The dark truth about my absence of a heart. This is what my mind was trying so hard to block out. I feel a rush of darkness wash over me as the levee breaks. It overwhelms me, I choke on a sob but then…there’s nothing. Because this isn’t new. This is what I’ve always been. No. No, no, no.

“Phantom sensations. We all get them. Nothing to be ashamed of. Then again, you couldn’t feel shame if you wanted to, I guess. At the end of the day, we’re just a bunch of Nobodies, you and me, sweetheart. You wanted to know the big secret I’ve been keeping from you all this time? It’s that you’ve been one of us all along. Xemnas knew, but I put my nonexistence on the line to keep you out of it. I couldn’t lose who you are, Rueki. You’ve always made me feel so alive. You and Roxas both, just made me feel like I had a heart. I knew the second I told you, you’d have done anything to get your heart back. You get such damn tunnel vision. I’d have lost you. Guess it was pretty selfish of me, but I couldn’t stand the thought of that. I just wanted to keep you, just the way you are. I thought I could get Roxas back, get him to release Kingdom Hearts. Get our hearts back before you even knew yours was missing, and then just deal with the consequences later. I just…I couldn’t stand to watch the person I love fade away. Not again. Not when I realized I failed you the first time.”

And suddenly, everything makes sense. Axel holding me close, saying that he realized that he wasn’t able to protect me. Axel’s guilt. How angry he got when Xemnas wanted me to summon lesser Nobodies. How easily I caught onto it and how I didn’t feel like my heart was growing darker. I wasn’t using dark magic, I was flexing my powers as a Nobody. I didn’t feel darkness growing in my heart because I don’t have one in the first place. The sealed room cracking open won’t break me, it will simply expose the awful truth about what I am.

Have I ever truly felt anything? Or has this all been entirely in my head?

My body vibrates, my wrist shaking in his fading hand.

“Why…that can’t…” I choke out, but there is nothing I can say. Nothing that will change the truth. Nothing that will save him.

Darkness eats away, his legs disappear, his hand fades from my wrist, and suddenly, I don’t feel the pressure on it.

“I know, it’s hard. But that doesn’t mean Sora can’t get you your heart back.” Axel’s eyes flick to him. “After all, she never really was a part of this. Just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“Don’t you dare speak for me and try to take away from what my actions were. I made my choices, this wasn’t all fate. Nothing controlled me. Fuck Xemnas, fuck Nobodies, fuck you! I’m still me!” My voice is ragged and heavy as my tears start to hammer against his fading chest like rain. “You fucking asshole, how could you keep this from me? Why the fuck would you tell me now? I hate you, I fucking hate you!” 

“I love you too, Rueki.” His remaining hand brushes my cheekbone. And suddenly, it’s like he remembers Sora is standing right behind me. I remember for the first time too. 

This has to be a dream. I’m going to wake up, it’s all going to be fine. 

With the wave of his hand, Axel opens up a portal that somehow, I can sense leads straight into The World That Never Was. 

“Now go.” He tells Sora.

“Axel…Rueki…” Sora looks so unlike Roxas as I look at him that I cannot bear the sight. No. If my best friend were here, this wouldn’t be happening. We’d be safe, we’d have taken down Xemnas, the three of us. We could take down Xemnas, Xigbar and Saix. Luxord would stand down, for the first time it might be fair. For the first time—

But it doesn’t matter. 

Because the reality of the situation crashes onto me and I crumble, my cheek pressed to Axel’s chest. He’s getting colder and colder by the second.

“Don’t leave me, Lea.” I beg.

“Oh, sweetheart I’m not him. And you were right. About finding something worthy to die for. At the end of the day, you’re the only thing that’s ever been worth it to me. I failed you once, when we were kids, cuz I didn’t know how to save you I’m not failing you again. Go, get your heart, back. If anyone deserves it, it’s you. You’ve made me feel so much like I had one. Just do me a favor, try not to remember me like this. Remember the library. Remember the Destiny Islands. Remember the clock tower…” He trails off. “Got it memorized?”

He fades to nothing, leaving not even a single ash in his wake. 

My cheek hits the icy, swirling floor of Betwixt and Between.

I don’t wake up, I’m never going to. 

“Rueki…” Sora whispers my name. He reaches out to touch my arm, and I rip away, responding like a frightened animal. After all, am I really that much different than one? I look to him, look to the portal, and then, at an inhuman speed, I take off.

I think to myself, I have no heart to tire, my shell can go for hours, Twilight knows what I have seen other Nobodies do. I have power beyond compare.

The icy rain of The World That Never Was hits me, hammering like a Tsunami as I stare up at the moon, in the shape of a perfect heart.

Perhaps the reason I had so many limitations before was because I told my brain I did. Perhaps the reason I thought I felt anything before was because I told myself I could.

I set a hand to my chest, where my heart should be.

Maybe it is a phantom sensation, but I swear I feel something beating.

And in the cold, constant rain of the city I have spent so much time, my choice becomes clear.

This has to mean something. Perhaps I don’t exist.

But there is something I can do to make a change.

I take off into the Castle That Never Was and head for the throne room. 

Funny how now that I know the dark is there, I have no trouble sensing them. What they are, what I am.

Nobody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Like Real People Do- Hozier (R)  
> 2\. Follow You- Bring Me The Horizon (R)   
> 3\. Savior- Rise Against (A)  
> 4\. September- Daughtry  
> 5\. Hold Back The River- James Bay (A)  
> 6\. Goodbye My Lover- James Blunt (A)  
> 7\. Immortals- Fallout Boy (R)  
> 8\. Sweater Weather- The Neighborhood (A)  
> 9\. Collar Full- Panic! At The Disco (R)  
> 10\. Sanctuary- Utada Hikaru


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the last chapter? I KNOW! Do you know how hard that was to keep from you guys this whole time? To not hint at more? There were a few hints in early chapters that I was like 'fuck, someone is going to predict this'. And if you did, good for you! But yep, Rueki is a Nobody. Honestly, this entire story has been so humbling to write. I've grown to be a lot braver of a person because of writing Rueki, I have had so much fun with her, Axel and so many of the other characters. I'm so excited to share with you guys what is in store, and I promise, there will be so much more. I'm playing with ideas for theories for KH4 now, so like, don't worry, ya'll are going to be getting SO much fic. Of course, I will not be able to update this aggressively forever. We're probably looking at about 1 or 2 chapters a week for the sequel and 1 a week for the prequel (which contains important stuff, don't skip on the prequel, you guys). But wow. I am so thankful to those of you who have been on this journey with me, whether from the beginning or only just recently. Thank you all so much. This story would be nothing, if I had no one to share it with.

L.

I arrive in the meeting room inside the Castle That Never Was just in time to hear Saix talk shit about Axel. My muscles haven’t uncurled since leaving Betwixt and Between. I am drenched from head to toe. I have spent the past several minutes crying tears that I am not supposed to be able to cry. I am a Nobody, I do not have a heart, I haven’t had one in over a decade. 

And yet, I still feel the purest, most untainted hatred in the world at Saix’s words.

“Oh, Axel. A grifter to the end.” Luxord muses.

“That’s absurd. He won nothing, and he is nothing. He couldn’t stand the emptiness of being without a heart and that led to his demise. He was foolish and weak.” 

“Keep his name out of your filthy fucking mouth.” My lips are curled back over my teeth like a feral animal, a snarl sits firmly on my face as I stride into the room. Xemnas, Xigbar, Saix, Luxord. 

Me.

We are what remains of the Nobodies. Larxene and Marluxia met their demise in Castle Oblivion, through Sora. Vexen lost his life to Axel, Zexion to me. Lexaeus was Riku’s only victim of the bunch. Roxas and Naminé were absorbed by Sora and Kairi. Demyx fell to Sora recently, Xaldin must’ve too…

And Axel…

My throat swells up. I didn’t know how much I would miss all of them and yet…

I don’t. I can’t. Because I don’t have a heart in the first place.

“You’re still alive.” Saix scowls at me.

“Don’t pretend you couldn’t sense it, Saix. Those of us without hearts can always detect each other’s nonexistence.” I hiss. A stillness settles over the room, and yet, I see no looks of surprise. And that pisses me off most of all. I wipe away the tears that still stain my cheeks. “How long have you all fucking known?” I roar, the sound of my voice echoing, sending shockwaves through the room. 

“Since your return from Castle Oblivion.” Saix says, simply, speaking like a good guard dog, for himself and his master, I am certain. 

“Oh, what would it be now?” Xigbar asks. “Six months, give or take? Roughly around the time Roxas took off on us.” Xigbar shrugs.

“The Nocturne and I only discovered when Saix erm…brought you to the brink of fading. We had to pull you back from that. Apologies, Rueki, love.” And Luxord looks so sincere, but I don’t believe him. Del was right, so long ago, despite the words he took back. Or maybe he was wrong. I’m not cold hearted. I am altogether heartless, I don’t have the emotions to believe diluted, over sympathetic bullshit. And yet…Why is this hurt not disappearing?

“And what, Axel swore you to secrecy?” I ask.

“He swore no one to anything. In his desperation, he begged to keep the secret from you, so he could continue living the charade, the two of you pretending to be hopelessly in love with one another.” Saix replies to me, coldly.

“It appears, that despite the closeness you thought you felt with him, his betrayal to you overrode them all. You were the one he lied to the most thoroughly.” Xemnas says. My eyes flash, burning with anger. A fire with gasoline poured over it.

“How about instead of talking way up there in your throne or sicking your guard dog on me, you come fight me yourself, you self serving prick?” I scream. “Fight me and let me end this like Roxas and I planned to the day DiZ kidnapped him. Why the hell do you think I waited outside of this room for hours? We were going to kill you!” Once again, my words reverberate through the room. Luxord shifts uncomfortably, Xigbar sits up, a spark of curiosity lighting his visible eye. Saix tenses, defensively, but Xemnas doesn’t even flinch.

“You’ve forgotten yourself, Rueki. You do not have the heart to feel this rage you are so convinced you have.” Xemnas insists. I snort.

“Forgive me, if I’m not especially keen to your gaslighting bullshit. I have seen so much in my time here. Happiness, despair, jealousy, rage, love…” I trail off. “So, don’t try to tell me what I feel. I know what I feel. And I am not one of your lackeys!” 

“You are a Nobody and therefore a servant of Organization XIII. Just as you have always been.” Saix hisses. “Axel insisted you be left out of the grittier missions, he insisted that he must be the one to tell you that you don’t have a heart and that he would decide in his own time, when that should be, and we have honored that.”

“You sent me on missions, you told me to bring Roxas back, you’ve put me through so much!” I snap. 

“And yet, here you are, with clean hands.” Saix rolls his eyes, very clearly mocking my contempt. “But Axel is no longer here to protect you, and you will serve us, as you have been born to do. You do not exist, Rueki. Your only purpose should be to get your heart back. Who would you serve, but us?” 

I shake with rage, with utter hatred. Perhaps I am a creature of the darkness, because I certainly feel it coursing through me. He should be right for all intents and purposes. If I found all of this out sooner, Axel was right, it would’ve changed me. So deeply, to my very core, I would’ve been devoted to getting my heart back, blindly following orders, the way he knew I would. Axel saved me my identity, because I would have tossed it aside to get my heart back to share it with him. I would’ve become just like Saix. Axel truly, truly saved me. And I am not going to throw that gift aside. I won’t dishonor his memory, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a plan of my own. Fuck my heart, I don’t need it, not if he’s not around to share it with.

Axel…

There is something I can do with my nonexistence, with this life. I can do what he had been pleading with me to do for over a year. Keep my mouth shut and play the game. My life can mean something if I can walk softly through this minefield. Sora must endure. Sora must carry on, against all odds, no matter what the cost. And if I can help him push through, just a little bit more…

Then isn’t that worthy cause I’ve been carrying on about? 

“Fine.” I whisper, feigning defeat, slumping my shoulders slightly, letting the tears I have been holding back hit the ground. I can literally feel Xemnas smirking. His expression has an energy to it that pierces the room.

“Luxord, take the girl back to her room. She can now officially put on the coat.” Xemnas orders, as though I haven’t been wearing the coat, carrying out missions, beating myself to a pulp, trying to fulfill their cause.

“Superior…” Luxord begins to protest.

“It was not a suggestion, X.” Xemnas says and Luxord swallows dryly, nodding. He teleports down to me and rests a gentle hand on my shoulders. 

“You don’t need to pretend you give a shit, Luxord. Apparently, I don’t give on either.” I scoff, my tone dry and utterly deadpanned. He meets me with a concerned expression, but nods slowly.

“Do you need instructions on opening a portal?” He asks. I nod. “Focus your mind on where you want to go, visualize it in your head, feel the dark pathway to it coursing through you.” He says and as I do, I wave my hand. A portal opens, and I snort. Explains why trying to open one in Oblivion didn’t work. Darkness has always had a hold on me, I just didn’t know how to utilize it.

“Learn swiftly, Rueki. Saix will be with you shortly to show you where you will challenge Sora.” Xemnas orders and my muscles curl, tensing so tight that I stop dead in my tracks. Play the game, Rueki, I urge myself. Play the game, get Saix alone and kill him so one less monster stands in Sora’s path. Even if it is the last thing I do.

Stiffly, I walk into the portal and Luxord is directly behind me. And as we enter the room, mine and Axel’s room, I close the portal up behind us, imagining myself shutting the doorway to darkness. I am surprised by how utterly easy this comes, though I suppose I shouldn’t. This has been laying in me, dormant for over a decade, begging to be released. A poison in my veins indeed.

“Rueki.” Luxord starts. “I should have told you.”

“It doesn’t matter. Axel didn’t want you to.” And even as I say his name, I feel myself begin to crumble, a miserable ache throbbing through my entire being. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s fucking gone and it isn’t fair. I smash my fist down onto the nightstand of the room Axel and I shared for so long, watching the stand crumble under my force. Save it, I remind myself. I will need every ounce of energy for Saix. It has not been lost on me, how completely full the moon is and what that will mean for his powers. I take off my weapons belt and steal a coat out of our dresser. My heart skips a beat, when I realize whose coat it is, but I suppose, no it doesn’t. A phantom sensation, Axel told me. But a heart is not the end all be all, I know it cannot be, because I know what I am. If I would’ve been told a year ago, when I left Transmute City, that I was without a heart, I wouldn’t have questioned it. Because I had been cold, living on an entirely different level from Del and Amaya and everyone I held dear. But now? I know, heart or no, I have felt so very much. I have been so overcome with emotion that it has brought me to tears, to my knees, made me sick. I know what I have felt. Fuck a heart. I don’t need it to feel… I don’t need it anymore. I wipe away a tear.

“I understand you truly felt you cared for him, Rueki.” He says, gently.

“I loved him.” I counter. I still do. No one and nothing can take that away from me. Luxord at least has the good sense not to argue with me. I take off Survivor and set it atop the dresser.

“But doing anything foolish now, would not honor his memory. Nor would it help to save your skin.” He reminds me. I nod. I zip into Axel’s old coat and I am so amazed by how I can still smell him on it. Fuck. Fuck.

“I know, I’m playing the game.” I say, voice purposefully void of emotion.

“Forgive me if I do not quite believe that.” Luxord says. I crack a humorless smile.

“You know me well.” I nod. “But it doesn’t matter, I don’t even exist, nothing matters.” 

“Your shell can still feel pain, don’t cause it any more than you already have.” He urges.

“You know, I don’t buy it.” I mutter.

“Pray tell, what love? Was it not you who used to get so distraught over us talking in riddles?” He asks. I snort.

“I guess so. I don’t buy the whole you mothering me thing. It doesn’t work. Not your motif.” I reply, grabbing Survivor and strapping it back on, over the coat. I do the same with my weapons belt, rolling my shoulders back. “How do I teleport?” I ask him.

“Rueki…” He sighs.

“Just fucking answer me, Luxord. Because you know me, I’m going to do whatever the hell I want, and you’re not going to be able to stop me. So, you can either go down with me, or you can save your own skin and wash your hands of what I’m about to do, dealer’s choice.” I say. And he doesn’t flinch, he doesn’t step back, but he does take on the expression of a wounded puppy. “Now, teach me how to teleport.

Luxord reaches out, an unsure hand that stops just before it touches my waist. With hard eyes, he nods and drops his hand. I’m not sure exactly what his goal was, but whatever it was, is lost, pushed to the wayside as he teaches me how to fight with the darkness. Teleporting is easy, summoning a weapon from nothing comes as simple as breathing. I even find that through sheer force of will, I can summon synthesis items from my pocket into Survivor. I catch on faster than I could ever have expected, and in my wake, sparring with Luxord, I destroy the bedroom I once shared with the man I love. The comforter hangs from the ceiling fan, the dresser is in shreds, the bedframe lays, splintered against the floor, yet the amount of destruction is still unsatisfying. I tear the cap off of a potion with my teeth and knock it back.

“Again.” I urge, though Luxord looks at me as though I have gone mad. He’s probably not wrong.

“Rueki, if you keep this up, you’re going to fade.” He says.

“Yeah? Well slap a DNR on me this time, let’s go.” I say, but he shakes his head

“Have you truly lost it?” He asks me. “I’m not going to aid in your suicide, and if this is what you plan to do, then—”

“I’m not going to kill myself, I’m going to kill Saix and Xemnas.” The silence that falls on us, feels a lot like broken glass. Sharp, unpleasant. I think for the first time in his nonexistence, Luxord is shocked. After a moment, his expression hardens and he shakes his head.

“Then you’re a fool, there is no way you can emerge victorious, Rueki.” He says.

“Wherever I leave off, Sora can pick up.” I say.

“So, you mean to betray the Organization? Has Axel’s folly taught you nothing?” He asks.

“Axel died defending his identity and mine. He died as himself and not another pawn of the Organization, and if I die, I’m going to do it the very same way. I promised Roxas I’d be there for him, that he wouldn’t have to take on Xemnas alone and he won’t. Not if I can help it.” I say. Roxas, Sora, it doesn’t matter anymore. This is what my nonexistence is amounting to. The guardian, through and through.

“And what about Saix?” He asks. I snort, a smirk curling at the edges of my expression, like a piece of paper lit on fire.

“That one is for me.” 

As if on cue, VII teleports into the room. I don’t know whose expression bares more loathing, his or mine, but I think by now, Luxord is happy to wash his hands of me.

“Luxord, you’re on deck. Sora is currently fighting with Xigbar. Is the girl properly trained?” Saix asks.

“Talk to my face, VII.” I hiss.

“Are you pulling rank now?” He asks me, ice in his tone. “Perhaps I should call you VIII, I hear that number is now available.” My palms twitch and the only thing that keeps me stationary is the fantasy of Survivor slashing his throat. Luxord waits for the other shoe to drop. 

“She is trained, yes. Due to fight Sora after me?” Luxord asks, an eyebrow raised.

“If you and Xigbar both are unable to either retrieve Roxas or end Sora altogether, then yes. Xemnas has informed each of us that if we fail at both of those tasks, that we are no longer welcome back. So, if you fail, Rueki will fight him.” Fat chance on that. I know a suicide mission when I see one. First Demyx, then probably Xaldin, now Xigbar and Luxord too. Is nothing fucking sacred to that monster?

“Of course.” Luxord nods. “Fortunately, Lady Luck is always on my side.”

“For your sake, hopefully she won’t suck off some other poor sap, tonight.” I mutter. In a final move, I grab a hair tie off of the dresser and pull my hair up into a bun. Challenge failed, sorry, Axel.

“Rueki, for your sake, I hope she is on your side tonight as well.” Luxord says, his eyes soft.

“Yeah. Me too. Thanks Luxord, for being my friend. Maybe in another life we could’ve been a hell of a team.” If he hadn’t chosen the Organization over me until it was too late. If he hadn’t lied to me at my own expense. Perhaps we could’ve take on the world. 

“Maybe indeed.” Is his reply, and all I can hope is that he has the good sense to keep his mouth shut for the little bit longer that he is alive.

For we both know he will not make it through the fight with Sora.

Luxord opens up a portal and departs, leaving Saix and I alone.

“I see you have no intentions of sleeping in this room any further.” He observes the damage with a lifted eyebrow.

“Does your presence here serve a purpose or are you just trying to push my buttons?” I ask. His expression doesn’t shift whatsoever.

“It really is a pity. If I had a heart, I might’ve hoped that my senses had failed me and that you really did die. Bled out from your injuries after you and Axel took off from Hollow Bastion.” Saix replies.

“I thought about just dying, but I had other things to do. I wouldn’t expect you to understand what loyalty means, but I had a promise to keep to Axel. I told him I’d stay alive, no matter what it took.” I tell him. He looks at me with complete repulsion, his skin crawling at my very presence. I cannot say I am upset by this.

“Allow me to lead you to where you’ll be fighting Sora.” He throws open the door of my room and strides out. He walks swiftly, with purpose, I have to take two steps for each of his one, just to catch up, but I do. He has longer legs, but I know I am faster than him. My one advantage.

“You wanted me to know I was a Nobody, even though Axel didn’t.” I predict.

“Of course, however you were still able to serve us, even without your knowledge. You’ve done the deeds we’ve asked you to, that much is plain to see. Still, that does not change the fact of what you are.” He says.

“A Nobody.” I answer.

“A blemish on this world, a marring on everyone you come into contact with. You are a leach of the worst variety.” He tells me. I snort, despite the circumstances.

“You know, I think I liked it better when you called me a slut.” I tell him.

“This is not supposed to be enjoyable for you, girl.” He hisses at me, turning around in a wide open hallway. There is a window, outlooking the moon, which might be the deadliest place to have stopped him. 

“You’re right, but despite your best efforts, the time I’ve spent here been enjoyable, would you like me to tell you about it?” I taunt. He scoffs at me and a grin flicks at the edge of my lips. “I got to see all new worlds, I made friends, real friends who cared about me, who were at my side through thick and thin. I fell in love.”

“You felt nothing, and neither did he.” Saix insists, with more fight in his voice than I’ve ever heard before.

“That’s not what he told me.” I shake my head. “For over a year now, he has been telling me how much he loved me. That I am his entire life, that his heart belongs to me and me alone. I guess there hasn’t been room for you in quite a long time.” 

“If you truly believe the smooth words of a known liar than you are more foolish than you look.” He rolls his eyes.

“The fact of the matter is, he died for me once and for Roxas once, but he never will for you. That must sting to always be second fiddle. I wonder, is it even worth it to get your heart back if you have no one waiting for you on the other side?” I ask. He freezes, rolling the broad muscles of his shoulders back.

“And you take pride in the fact his existence ended for you and then his nonexistence ended for Roxas? A truly poisonous outlook on things.” Saix replies with the wave of his hand, striding forward. 

“No, I just needed to rub in what we both already knew. That I meant more to him than you ever did. When he saw the scars on my body and I spoke your name, he looked with disgust. He knew what you were when he died. He knew what you’d become. You were dead to him…” He walks on, brushing my words off, but not for long. I visualize myself, light as a feather, snapping through space and time. Darkness takes me, grabbing my stomach and yanking. I teleport directly in front of him, draw my claw back and smash it toward him. “And now, you’ll just be dead.” But he catches my wrist in his hands and flips me over, onto the floor, on my back. I teleport again, half way across the room. Before he has time to turn, I summon a grenade out of my pocket and it detonates, on the floor in front of him. I grin, wickedly, thinking that this is the first chance he and I will have at a fair fight.

“You fight like Larxene.” Is the response I get when the smoke clears and he’s on the opposite side of this huge room, untouched. A shame.

“So I’ve been told.” I go charging at him, sprinting at full force, my claw cranked back. I watch his golden eyes flick toward the moon, and I swear, I see him glow. My breath catches in my throat, but I never slow, even when he summons his Claymore and whips it around, knocking me straight into the window. I fly back, my head splintering the glass as I go sliding down the wall. Fuck, I’m dizzy. Black spots taint my vision, my hands tingle. My body still aches from the torture he put me through. This won’t be easy. But it will be so worth it. 

“And just like her, you may move quickly, but it means nothing when your defenses are constantly down.” Saix hisses, before he comes stomping toward me. He slashes his Claymore through the air. I jump, missing a hit. He slashes again, and I jump off the top of it, flipping forward, grabbing his hair and throwing him back into the wall. Pale blue strands hang in my hand and I do find a very large amount of satisfaction in knowing I have made a dent, no matter how small. He huffs, skidding across the room, eyes locked in on me, the only target in his range. 

“How funny, even with shit defense I can still kick your ass.” I grin, charging in once more. He counters at a distance, slicing at my coat, which is an infinitely better defense than my normal outfit. At a distance, he is powerful, impossible, unbeatable. He sees red in a way that puts my temper to utter shame. With Berserk controlling his movements, his is impenetrable, wildly strong, and it takes all I have in me to dodge his attacks. And yet I do, bobbing, weaving, teleporting, jumping, doing whatever it takes to stay out of the way. 

“Your mouth is repulsive, it will be the death of you.” He informs me as he brings his blade down onto me. I cry out holding Survivor over my head to guard against his attack, but it is no use. I cannot hold him off. My arms buckle, the Claymore goes straight through my shoulder and I scream. Pulling his blade back from me, I teleport behind him and quickly kick him, straight in the back. I summon a series of grenades, they ignite, a beautifully smoky blaze across the room. A cover for me as I take off, chugging an elixir. No, not yet. I can’t die. Not until he’s gone, not until I’ve made a dent in this group for Sora. For Roxas.

“Guess I’ve got something worth dying for.” I say as the smoke clears and he looks at me from across the room, a feral animal, lips curled over his teeth.

“Then I will finish what I started in the throne room.” He charges at me, but this time, I don’t leave anything to chance. I teleport directly in front of him uncomfortably close, too close for his blade to have any advantage over me. I grab his head and slam it down onto my knee. He cries out, jolting back up, I spin, smashing an elbow into his face. I thrust, with the blades of Survivor, slashing across him, tearing the sleeve of his coat to smithereens. He leaps back, incredibly far, just out of my reach, while still keeping me in the reach of his blade. He swipes it around and I leap off of it. I jump and draw my legs up before kicking him square in the chest. He falls back to the ground, the Claymore clattering out of his hands. With him lying on his back, on the ground, I stride over, wasting no time stomping on his hand. Beneath my foot, I feel bones shatter and he roars, a wounded lion. Maybe I don’t have a heart, because I take a wicked sense of pleasure in this.

“Really, you’re gonna finish this? Promise?” I ask. I draw Survivor back, ready to end it all, slash his throat and watch him bleed out, forever staining the pristine, white floors. I prepare my weapon, I savor the moment, I take in the victory.

And in that split second, he summons his Claymore and puts the blade straight through my stomach.

I scream as it pierces straight through, the tip of the sword jutting out from my back. A wetness I have become all too familiar with floods my abdomen. He yanks the blade back and I bleed freely, gushing onto the floor, even as the hand not donning Survivor reaches out, covering my midsection, trying to hold myself together. Fuck, please, please, not now. I look down, lifting my hand and am nearly sick at the sight. Muscles, bones, organs. I look down at my soaking, red hand. I wipe blood away from my lips as it spills out of my mouth. Saix teleports to stand, my eyes go wide. With shaky hands, I fumble for my pouch, but he quickly cuts the belt off of my waist and snatches it. He opens a portal to nowhere and drops it in.

“No!” I shriek.

“Yes, Rueki, I promise, I will finish this.” I try desperately to hold myself together, clutching my middle, though my hand feels too hot, my touch stings. I want to scream but I chomp my lip so hard I taste blood, because I cannot grant him the satisfaction of hearing me cry out. I pant, trying to catch my breath, but my vision goes white, I feel my temples throbbing. My knees start to buckle. I blink back spots but know that the clarity is only temporary. My blood spills down the front of my coat. I’m losing far too much of it. And without my potions, I have no way to heal myself. 

“You fucking bastard.” I choke out, feeling the blood dribble out of the corners of my mouth. What a slow, painful, miserable way to go. 

“No quick comment?” Saix scoffs. “A pity, all you are, underneath it all, is a pathetic, desperate little girl with a vulgar mouth.” 

“It doesn’t matter what you think about me. Roxas is going to kill you, and it’s going to hurt.” I say. I really hope it hurts.

“Roxas? Do you not mean Sora?” Saix raises an eyebrow. I shake my head.

“If Roxas is alive inside of Sora, at all, even if dormant, he will come out when he finds out what you’ve done to me. Sora might show you mercy, but if Roxas has even a sliver of control, he will take it, and he will not hesitate when he kills you.” I sputter.

I hear the clambering of footsteps behind me and know exactly who they belong to. I know what this means, Luxord is dead. Sora is enduring, persevering exactly as I need him to. Still clutching my middle, I turn to him.

“Rueki…” He looks me over, in my coat, his eyes fall to where my blood spills onto the floor. His eyes break.

“I tried to keep my promise.” I try to hobble over to him, but my legs give out, losing feeling beneath me. They are cold to the touch, I cry out, holding myself up on my hands and knees. Blood flows freely from my abdomen, the cold air is like daggers on it. I whimper pathetically. “Dammit. I was trying so hard. To do what we promised.” Sora comes sprinting over to me, leaving his friends in his wake. My eyes flick up to where a redheaded girl, a silver haired boy, Donald and Goofy stand. I know Saix stands behind me. But this isn’t their moment, none of them. I look at the very worried blue eyes, so close to me. Finally, I have a moment with my very best friend. If Roxas is in there, he needs to know how sorry I am. For what I’ve done.

For what I’m about to ask.

With the flick of my wrist, I visualize Sora and I being encased in darkness, and suddenly a dark wall comes up around us, shielding us from the other.

“What is this?” He asks, looking around. “I’m not going to fight you!”

“I know. I just wanted a moment with you, Roxas.”

“Rueki, I’m not Roxas, it’s me, Sora.” Sora offers. I shake my head, forcing myself up onto my knees. I try to raise myself a little, but get as far as only being down on one knee before the strain is too much. 

“And I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to him.” I say. “Roxas, I know you’re in there somewhere. And I want you to know, I waited for you, outside the throne room, that day we talked about killing Xemnas. And I was trying to today, but I had to take Saix out first, you get it, don’t you? I tried to help you, I tried to keep my promise. But go figure, my damn mouth got the best of me.” I offer him a pathetic half smile.

“Rueki, please.” Sora begs.

“I’m going I’m not gonna make it though. I…I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know that I tried. I just wanted my nonexistence to mean something. And maybe it didn’t amount to shit, but I just wanted you to know that I didn’t try to hurt you this summer. You two had to become one, you deserved better than this Organization. You always have.” I say. I watch a tear slide down Sora’s cheek. His eyes go wide as he touches the new wetness, this was not his tear. It was Roxas’. I bite my lip. He’s alive in there somewhere. I wince in pain, knowing this is it, this is the end. Darkness licks the edges of my being. I sigh, contentedly as it spreads up my legs, my arms, climbing to my torso. I falter again, tumbling forward. I nearly hit the ground, but Sora catches me in his arms. “And I’m sorry, because this is too much. But Roxas, I need you to do something for me. Just one more thing.”

“Anything.” I don’t know if Sora or Roxas or both of them agree to this, but as I feel the darkness start to close in, I stop caring. It’s now or never.

“Just finish me. Please. I don’t want Saix to be the one who kills me. He can’t. I can’t let him win. I just…” I’m post verbal. Words are failing me. My vision is almost gone, but in the pinpricks I have left, I see hesitation in Sora’s gaze.

“Rueki, I can’t do that. You know I can’t. I’m your friend, let me heal you!” He pleads. Dammit!

“There’s no going back. Just please, I know it’s a lot but just…do this one thing for me, I’m begging you.” My voice crackles.

“Rueki…” He tries. My hands ball into fist and I pound at his chest, pushing myself to my legs as I smack him with all of my might.

“Dammit, Roxas! Please!” 

Sora’s eyes go wide in horror as his hand shoots out and his Keyblade slams straight into my skull.

My knees buckle, I hit the floor.

“Thank you.” I breathe.

The darkness around us fades away.

So do I.


	51. Chapter 51

Epilogue:  
I am at the edge of the clock tower in Twilight Town. There’s a gentle breeze, the sun is the most beautiful shade of orange, hanging low in the sky. I still wear my coat, it’s covered in blood, but I guess the nice thing about black is that it isn’t really noticeable. I certainly don’t mind the wetness of the fabric. Honestly, I have faced much worse than this.

But has any of it mattered? Does any of it count?

It’s not like I ever had a heart in the first place.

“You’re here.” The voice breaks me out of my reverie. From the ledge I stand at, I turn to see Axel sitting behind me. If I had a heart, it would skip a beat. What a beautiful fantasy this is. Maybe this is what happens when you die. Maybe your body doesn’t know how to process the trauma, so it puts you in a state of bliss to relax you, as you drift away. I know I’m not complaining. 

With careful steps down from the ledge I take a seat beside him and smile softly.

“Ice cream, really?” I ask.

“Would’ve saved you one, but I wasn’t sure how long you were going to be.” He confesses. I lean into him so delighted that he still feels this warm. This must be heaven.

“It’s okay, this is pretty perfect in and of itself. Shame Roxas couldn’t be here to join us.” I say.

“You missed him, he was here just a few minutes ago. Said he had something important to attend to.” Axel wraps his arm tightly around me, drawing me in, impossibly closer. He still smells the same. He still feels as warm. As far as hallucinations go, this is pretty grand.

“That would be my fault.” I confess. “Sora wasn’t going to do the dirty job all by himself. I had to ask Roxas to help him out.” And he did. He so did. But this makes me realize something very serious. “This is real.”

“Yeah, it sure feels that way.” Axel nods. So, this isn’t just some beautiful illusion. I pull away from, him, looking into his eyes, just as beautifully green as I remember. Everything about him is just as perfect as I could’ve hoped. “I wanted to wait until you got here, I figured I owed you an explanation. The one I gave you was kinda half assed.” 

“Yeah. I’m still pretty pissed about it.” I agree.

“But here you are, not trying to shove me off the clock tower. That’s pretty grown up of you sweetheart.” He grins.

“I don’t have the heart to be mad.” I say, in an utterly mocking tone, though I guess it’s true. Axel snorts.

“Guess I deserve that one.” He laughs.

“I’ll beat you up about it some other time. Right now, it doesn’t matter. Fuck, Axel, I’m just so glad to be next to you.” I admit. “It’s like I’ve told you from the beginning. Heart or no, that can’t be the end all. There’s still something there. I only wish you would’ve woken up in Transmute City with me. Think about how different our lives would’ve been if you hadn’t been told by a madman that you couldn’t feel.”

“Do you think that’s what makes you, you? You were never told you didn’t have a heart, so you just kept on acting like you did?” He asks.

“I don’t know. I don’t feel like I have the answers to anything, anymore.” I sigh. “I didn’t think I’d ever feel this stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, Rueki.” He insists, touching my face lightly with a gloved hand. I smile, softly, leaning into his touch.

“I don’t know. I love you, despite everything. That’s pretty stupid. I still trust you, you’re still my partner.” I remind him.

“Nah, that’s not stupid. That’s crazy. And I think I’ve heard somewhere before that people do crazy things when they’re in love.” He smiles. “Twilight knows that’s why I kept this all from you. I just love you so much, I didn’t want to change who you were. I didn’t want to let the Organization shake your world, or take anymore from you. I took enough, with what I put you through.”

“You put back what you took though. You’ve always been there to put me back together. Even this shit with my heart… You’re right, my world has been shaken up, and not just by you. But the second I set foot in The World That Never Was. The only thing I had was my identity. If I found out any sooner, who knows what would’ve happened, or how I would’ve handled it. At least after all we’d been through, I knew myself and I knew you well enough to know that not having a heart didn’t change anything. I’m me. I will always be me. And at least I died protecting that. I guess that’s probably better than becoming what they wanted me to be.” I decide.

“I abandoned you, in a place where you got tortured. I forced your hand, made you take a life, lied to you about the most important thing in your world, Rueki. You can be mad. You can hate me.” He insists. “We both know I deserve it.”

“Well what about me?” I ask. “It’s not like I hadn’t constantly poked at Saix, despite every warning. I killed Zexion, yes, but that was my choice, not yours. I’m mad at you, of course I am. But it’s not that important anymore. If it comes down to someone else’s life or yours, I will always choose you, Axel. I’m stronger today, because of you.”

“And a hell of a lot more broken.” He sighs.

“Could you cut the shit?” I ask. “I forgive you, Axel. I love you. I just wish we had more time left.”

“I love you too, Rueki.” He whispers. “Me too.” He discards the stick of his ice cream, to wrap his arms around me. I climb into his lap, setting my head on his shoulder.

“What happens to us now?” I ask.

“I wish I knew.” He shakes his head. “Maybe this is purgatory, and we’re just on our way to the next life.”

“If there is another.” I snort.

“Still a little bit of a cynic left alive inside of you, Rueks.” He chuckles.

“Always. And you’re still not allowed to call me that.” I say. He just kisses the top of my head. “If there is another life, you can’t lie to me in that one.”

“That was the one lie I had left, babe. The one secret. And now you know.” He shrugs. “But yeah, I promise. Got it memorized?”

“Yeah. I do.” I nod. “So you don’t think we can stay here forever?” 

“Nobodies like us aren’t that lucky. If there is a next life, I’m willing to bet that we have until our bodies reform.” He says.

“And if not?” I ask.

“Then I just wanna enjoy this, right now, for as long as I can.” He says. “I’m sorry we didn’t have more moments like this.”

“It’s okay. We will, in the next life.” I offer him a sideways little smile as I look up. 

“Damn. How did I get lucky enough to end up with you?” He touches my face.

“It’s probably cuz you’re cute. And you know, the smartest person I know, and the exact same level of asshole that I am, and funny as hell, protective, sarcastic, perfect.” I roll my eyes. “But don’t tell anyone I said that, they might think I kinda like you or something.” 

“My lips are sealed, babe.” He laughs, but beneath me, I feel him start to dissolve. My eyes go wide, in horror. His match mine, a perfect mirror. “It’s okay.” His hands slide down my neck, my shoulders, though his touch is barely ghosting as his being starts to fade from this in between world. “I’m going to find you, in the next life, Rueki. I promise.” 

“Not if I find you first.” I insist. Before he fades completely, a glimmer is lit in his eyes.

“Don’t keep me waiting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rueki, Axel and many other characters will return in 'Ignite', which releases on Friday, February 22nd


End file.
